Dear Diary...

[Amphibian220]

This is another stage in becoming stronger as a man, wishing your family well.

Edited February 21 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

Thank you for the kind words of support you guys. It's been very difficult to deal with this but I'm taking it day to day. 

Sometimes the nurses here are very confusing and rude to deal with and other times they're friendly, nice, and caring. I think it just depends on the nurse we get. 

Our son is progressing very well so far but we're always on the lookout for any set back that may occur. It's not always a straight shot to recovery from the hospital so we try to stay even keeled. 

I haven't really been able to write at all, but my wife and I developed a schedule to follow each day and we're making sure to do either important tasks or mental and physical health boosts. I've been doing lots of yoga each day and really feeling the benefits. I feel like I'm doing something for my body to appreciate it. I used to just go through the motions but now that I'm more stressed and providing for a child, I've found yoga to be more intentional than I did before when I lived alone. I think it's because I know it's helping preserve my health as I care for others. I did not value myself before and therfore did not care. 

I hope you're all doing well and sorry for not checking your journals lately. Internet in the hospital is not great and we're taking care of our kid most of the time there. 

[Dark]

Wow, just found your journal, there is huge proggression can be seen. Good luck and stay well!

[BooksandTrees]

On 3/2/2024 at 5:17 AM, Dark said:

Wow, just found your journal, there is huge proggression can be seen. Good luck and stay well!

Thank you! I'll check yours soon once I have more time. I hope you're well. 

[BooksandTrees]

I didn't realize it's been a month. My baby is home after 2 months in the hospital. He's ok and healthy. I'm very grateful and I love him more than anything in the world. My wife is ok I think. 

I'm struggling. That's all I have time to write at the moment. I just haven't healed fully from what happened, the trauma of being in the hospital for 2 months, and then everyone wanting to see him at home and not realizing he was very sick. His feeding is emotionally difficult now because he's cluster feeding and screams when hungry. 

Unfortunately, his screams forever remind me of some of the screams he made in the hospital when he was sick. I can't help but remember those difficult times. I've never felt so helpless.

It's not all bad though. He's cute, warm, loving, funny, smart, loves napping on me, loves when we sing, makes funny noises, and just fills my heart with a love I didn't know I had. I'd give him the world if I could. 

Lots of emotional Ups and downs I'm learning. I'm always worried my wife is ok. She's finally seeing a therapist this week. I'm so glad. It's hard not to forget that she almost died as well. And when she cries at home, I remember her cries during the 2 months at the hospital. And there's just some days I can't help. Another wave of helplessness. But she's strong and persevering. I love her very much. 

[Ikar]

On 4/1/2024 at 6:41 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I didn't realize it's been a month. My baby is home after 2 months in the hospital. He's ok and healthy. I'm very grateful and I love him more than anything in the world. My wife is ok I think. 

I'm struggling. That's all I have time to write at the moment. I just haven't healed fully from what happened, the trauma of being in the hospital for 2 months, and then everyone wanting to see him at home and not realizing he was very sick. His feeding is emotionally difficult now because he's cluster feeding and screams when hungry. 

Unfortunately, his screams forever remind me of some of the screams he made in the hospital when he was sick. I can't help but remember those difficult times. I've never felt so helpless.

It's not all bad though. He's cute, warm, loving, funny, smart, loves napping on me, loves when we sing, makes funny noises, and just fills my heart with a love I didn't know I had. I'd give him the world if I could. 

Lots of emotional Ups and downs I'm learning. I'm always worried my wife is ok. She's finally seeing a therapist this week. I'm so glad. It's hard not to forget that she almost died as well. And when she cries at home, I remember her cries during the 2 months at the hospital. And there's just some days I can't help. Another wave of helplessness. But she's strong and persevering. I love her very much. 

It's beautiful that you care about your wife and child so much. I can't imagine how exhausting and extremely stressful it must be. I hope you can recover some energy, so you can give it to your family further. Respect to you for navigating so well this far!

[BooksandTrees]

Being a parent is so tough. Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

I love him so much and I feel so wonderful being a dad. But at night, his digestion is developing and he struggles with it. He cries for a long time. It's not colic but it's infant dyschezia. Very similar though but crying stops after he has a bowel movement. 

I think when I can't get him to stop crying I sit here and just wonder if I'm failing him. Am I a moron for thinking I was ready to be a dad? Was I ignorant?

I don't think so. 

I just think I'm sleep deprived on top of suffering from what happened when he was born. That paired with my major depression is rough to deal with. I feel hopeless a lot of the time, but then he smiles at me or cuddles with me and I feel like the king of the world and my heart melts for him. 

It's a crazy swing of emotions. I think I've got this. I hope I do at least. My father bailed on my mom and me when I was this young. I seek to be there for my son every step of the way. 

[wheatbiscuit]

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Being a parent is so tough. Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

I love him so much and I feel so wonderful being a dad. But at night, his digestion is developing and he struggles with it. He cries for a long time. It's not colic but it's infant dyschezia. Very similar though but crying stops after he has a bowel movement. 

I think when I can't get him to stop crying I sit here and just wonder if I'm failing him. Am I a moron for thinking I was ready to be a dad? Was I ignorant?

I don't think so. 

I just think I'm sleep deprived on top of suffering from what happened when he was born. That paired with my major depression is rough to deal with. I feel hopeless a lot of the time, but then he smiles at me or cuddles with me and I feel like the king of the world and my heart melts for him. 

It's a crazy swing of emotions. I think I've got this. I hope I do at least. My father bailed on my mom and me when I was this young. I seek to be there for my son every step of the way. 

Make sure that you're not alone and have contact with other parents too! I was 19 when I first read 'it takes a village', and knew it was true then, even being me. You're doing a great job.

Edited April 13 by wheatbiscuit

[BooksandTrees]

15 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Make sure that you're not alone and have contact with other parents too! I was 19 when I first read 'it takes a village', and knew it was true then, even being me. You're doing a great job.

Thank you!

[BooksandTrees]

Things are going good now. My wife and I implemented a new schedule to get us longer stretches of sleep. I feel like a new person lol. I'm very grateful for our communication strength and creativity. 

Thanks for your support and reading these. I've also lost 10 lbs. It feels nice. 

[Pochatok]

On 4/11/2024 at 11:48 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

Hey! Just here (as the oldest sibling of 5, my youngest being 2 and 5) to say that others' pain is not always something you can fix. Imo, the most important thing you offer is your presence- even if he's crying, he knows you're there for him. Sometimes that's the best you can do- and that's ok. 

As he develops and learns to hold himself, he will remember you holding him, telling him that it will all be okay ❤️ 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm absolutely struggling. My baby can't sleep in the crib yet, so one of us has to hold him at all times during the night. He'll spit up and scream when he's in there. We're working with the doctor on it. I'm just going to discuss its effects on me though. 

I get 4 hours of sleep a day now tops. My wife and I each lose half the day covering each other while we either sleep or do house stuff. I see so many parents online talking about how they can put their kids in a bouncer or something or they sleep in a crib. 

My wife and I are getting very irritable and there is animosity brewing. We're arguing more than ever before because of it. But we're not fighting if that makes sense. It's more just trying to communicate properly. 

I've never felt the urge to relapse more than I have now. I'm so desperate to play mobile games while I hold my baby for the 4 hour shift. I'm watching tv Instead. Idk if that's any different. Probably not. 

He fucking screams bloody murder if you put him down and he's not on you. It's unreal. I love bonding with him but I can't do any of my hobbies, health upkeep, house upkeep, rest, communicate with people, go shopping, etc. 

I'm glad he's not in the hospital anymore. Things have gotten a lot better. It's just difficult because he doesn't sleep on his own or even lay down for 10 minutes yet. 

I miss writing my book. I haven't written in 4 months. 

The newborn period for a baby is unbelievably difficult. 

Please keep in mind I love my wife and son more than anything in the world and love this time with them too. I'm not complaining about that. It's just the fact that the journey has been so difficult every step of the way. I'm just beat down. 

[Vee]

That sounds incredibly difficult! It's ok to vent - it's a stressful situation, even though it's nobody's doing.

Do you feel you have a good level of support from family and/or friends?

[wheatbiscuit]

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm absolutely struggling. My baby can't sleep in the crib yet, so one of us has to hold him at all times during the night. He'll spit up and scream when he's in there. We're working with the doctor on it. I'm just going to discuss its effects on me though. 

I get 4 hours of sleep a day now tops. My wife and I each lose half the day covering each other while we either sleep or do house stuff. I see so many parents online talking about how they can put their kids in a bouncer or something or they sleep in a crib. 

My wife and I are getting very irritable and there is animosity brewing. We're arguing more than ever before because of it. But we're not fighting if that makes sense. It's more just trying to communicate properly. 

I've never felt the urge to relapse more than I have now. I'm so desperate to play mobile games while I hold my baby for the 4 hour shift. I'm watching tv Instead. Idk if that's any different. Probably not. 

He fucking screams bloody murder if you put him down and he's not on you. It's unreal. I love bonding with him but I can't do any of my hobbies, health upkeep, house upkeep, rest, communicate with people, go shopping, etc. 

I'm glad he's not in the hospital anymore. Things have gotten a lot better. It's just difficult because he doesn't sleep on his own or even lay down for 10 minutes yet. 

I miss writing my book. I haven't written in 4 months. 

The newborn period for a baby is unbelievably difficult. 

Please keep in mind I love my wife and son more than anything in the world and love this time with them too. I'm not complaining about that. It's just the fact that the journey has been so difficult every step of the way. I'm just beat down. 

My mom told me once I was settled into school that I rarely slept regularly as an infant and always wanted attention/to play at odd hours. It must have looked cute enough to her/dad to ward off severe ills. Screaming would be the hardest part for me too. 

My cousins' new kids all look like their parents. Can you guys see yourselves in him? Regularly thinking that would help me if I were a dad. Sending energy and love - from a long-time misfit ❤️

Edited May 1 by wheatbiscuit

[Pochatok]

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

The newborn period for a baby is unbelievably difficult. 

Hey, I hear you! Whoever you kid grows up to be, they will be (and already are) so thankful for your love and compassion. I'm sorry that it is so hard on you; when my mom was working night shifts, my dad and I would get those similar 4hrs of sleep at night, taking shifts cradling my sibling. They refused to fall asleep w/ anyone but her mom. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 4/30/2024 at 7:08 PM, Vee said:

That sounds incredibly difficult! It's ok to vent - it's a stressful situation, even though it's nobody's doing.

Do you feel you have a good level of support from family and/or friends?

Thank you! Yes. I'll touch on this in my post but they stepped up big time. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 5/1/2024 at 3:55 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

My mom told me once I was settled into school that I rarely slept regularly as an infant and always wanted attention/to play at odd hours. It must have looked cute enough to her/dad to ward off severe ills. Screaming would be the hardest part for me too. 

My cousins' new kids all look like their parents. Can you guys see yourselves in him? Regularly thinking that would help me if I were a dad. Sending energy and love - from a long-time misfit ❤️

Thank you! I definitely see myself in him. I was very happy to be snuggled and wanted to be with people at all times and he totally does this lol. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 5/1/2024 at 12:27 PM, Pochatok said:

Hey, I hear you! Whoever you kid grows up to be, they will be (and already are) so thankful for your love and compassion. I'm sorry that it is so hard on you; when my mom was working night shifts, my dad and I would get those similar 4hrs of sleep at night, taking shifts cradling my sibling. They refused to fall asleep w/ anyone but her mom. 

Thank you. Yeah he absolutely loves falling asleep on us and although it's cute, it can just be stressful since you can't really get up to go to the bathroom or anything lol. It helps to know others did this as well. 

[BooksandTrees]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and stories. I appreciate it. 

Things are getting better. My therapist recommended 6 hour sleep shifts rather than the 4 or 3. It's made a huge difference. I wake up more restored and ready for the day. I don't feel as much brain fog and I'm less depressed. My wife feels the same. 

I return to work this week. I'm excited to resume my career but I'll miss that time with my family. I'm very grateful to have had that much time off. I'll be working from home so I'll still be with them. My wife quit her job and will raise him for the next couple years before school. We're not going to home school him. We just don't trust daycare providers after hearing so many horror stories. 

I texted my friends group chat and asked if their experiences with their kids sleeping issues and stuff was similar. I told them I'm struggling and feel like a failure. They all sent very nice messages and called me for a week. That really got me feeling a lot better. I got some great suggestions and care out of it. It really helped to know that other people struggle as well. Not that I want them to struggle, but it's relieving because I constantly worry I'm doing a bad job or something. 

I'm working with my therapist on my agoraphobia issues. I've been afraid to leave the house and have had panic attacks. I feel better now but I have a lot of work to do. I didn't realize agoraphobia was actually the fear of not being able to escape a situation in public rather than fear of leaving the house. I'm not afraid to leave. I'm just afraid of what could happen. Ever since 2010 I've been afraid of going into public because of fears of mass shooters. College was tough because a lot were happening at schools and I was afraid it could happen. I'm also afraid of throwing up in public after a bad incident when I was 9. So I always try to remain close to home with lots of stomach aids to help me if needed. It will take time. 

Something for gamers to think about:

I've been on this journey for 6 years now and I'm still learning things about myself and why I act certain ways or crave things. So please, if you're frustrated with yourself after however much time you've committed to this, just be patient and thank yourself. It's gonna take time. 

[Pochatok]

Hey! It seems like we both took a pause from being here. Just wanted to say that I care and think of you- thank you for all your vulnerability and persistence. It means a lot to see you trying to live your best. You're an incredible person!

[BooksandTrees]

7 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Hey! It seems like we both took a pause from being here. Just wanted to say that I care and think of you- thank you for all your vulnerability and persistence. It means a lot to see you trying to live your best. You're an incredible person!

Thank you very much. I'm grateful for your support and I hope you're doing well too. I'll be back eventually more longterm. I started work again and just had tons of family drama. Very overwhelmed lol. But it's gonna be ok. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm so overwhelmed in life. I'm extremely tired and extremely depressed. 

I'm praying my son sleeps when we sleep and in his own crib soon. My wife and I are so tired and the sleep shifts are brutal. It's so exhausting only getting 5 hours of sleep each night for months. 

Work has been tough. I missed my career a lot but there's been so much drama in the company. I think some people are being so difficult and it's gonna lead to them being fired. A lot of people use me as their therapist at work and it mashed me lose so much productivity. It's frustrating. 

My mother has been so difficult to deal with. It constantly weighs on me that I need to talk to her about a lot of issues. I just don't have time to do it. But she's been so stressful and irritational and unpredictable. My wife and I can't handle more distractions. 

All of this makes me tired. I'm sprinting from one problem to the next. I have no time to relax or recharge. I can't even sleep. I wake up so exhausted and depressed. I have no time to call family and friends. I miss my wife so much. We spend so much time apart from each other because of the sleep shifts and then working again. 

I just miss hugging my wife. I miss the way she keeps me warm and loved and safe. I miss the feeling of everything being OK. 

After her near death experience and our sons, it's must so hard to relax and be happy. 

We love our son more than anything in the world. We're not complaining. Just the depression, exhaustion, drama, and ptsd from everything is crushing us. I feel like a failure. 

[wheatbiscuit]

19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm so overwhelmed in life. I'm extremely tired and extremely depressed. 

I'm praying my son sleeps when we sleep and in his own crib soon. My wife and I are so tired and the sleep shifts are brutal. It's so exhausting only getting 5 hours of sleep each night for months. 

Work has been tough. I missed my career a lot but there's been so much drama in the company. I think some people are being so difficult and it's gonna lead to them being fired. A lot of people use me as their therapist at work and it mashed me lose so much productivity. It's frustrating. 

My mother has been so difficult to deal with. It constantly weighs on me that I need to talk to her about a lot of issues. I just don't have time to do it. But she's been so stressful and irritational and unpredictable. My wife and I can't handle more distractions. 

All of this makes me tired. I'm sprinting from one problem to the next. I have no time to relax or recharge. I can't even sleep. I wake up so exhausted and depressed. I have no time to call family and friends. I miss my wife so much. We spend so much time apart from each other because of the sleep shifts and then working again. 

I just miss hugging my wife. I miss the way she keeps me warm and loved and safe. I miss the feeling of everything being OK. 

After her near death experience and our sons, it's must so hard to relax and be happy. 

We love our son more than anything in the world. We're not complaining. Just the depression, exhaustion, drama, and ptsd from everything is crushing us. I feel like a failure. 

I was about to post something similar, so you've won our race to call out such problems, at least! 🥲

For real though, aside from the predictability of my ideal experience (gaming or otherwise), I miss depending on things similar to positive friend and family relations, and sleep quality. I want to question anyone who might say that becoming an adult is about accepting things never being OK again. 

Your HALTED acronym has come to mind more and more - except for 'dehydrated', usually. I could rudely/offensively (yet honestly) demand of my environment such that everything could be made OK for me temporarily, but then it would simply and immediately be someone else's turn to do the same. I could be down for that, but most people seem a lot more 'stuck' than I am. I have very basic fears, but am able to push them to the side. It doesn't mean that I don't see the opportunity to call out those who create problems for me/us, it's just that I don't often see the best way to do that without being accused of harassment or something.

I guess the main thinking suggestion I have at the moment concerns how each of us wants life to feel - because today, we can think however we like, but it's the right gut feeling that we have to choose, in the end, isn't it? Should life feel like a dream with no real negative consequences, a constant battle to stave off unproductive thoughts or actions, or perhaps nothing but raw and uncensored self-expression? There are probably many more 'modes' of living - I think that those 3 might cover those in my immediately family, but if one could pat one's self on the back at the end of each day in a brief moment of alone time surely enough, wouldn't that be OK come whatever may?

Re: David Bowie's 'Under Pressure'!

Edited June 5 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[Pochatok]

On 6/4/2024 at 12:01 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I just miss hugging my wife. I miss the way she keeps me warm and loved and safe. I miss the feeling of everything being OK. 

After her near death experience and our sons, it's must so hard to relax and be happy. 

We love our son more than anything in the world. We're not complaining. Just the depression, exhaustion, drama, and ptsd from everything is crushing us. I feel like a failure. 

ahhh i'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now! it is honestly mindblowing to be reading about THIS much stress, compared to your entries just a few months ago. And, it's equally amazing to be reading about your humbleness, dignity, and passion for providing love and care- you inspire me so much when it comes to being a compassionate, resilient person ❤️ 

hope that you will get hugs soon, and sleep! thinking of you 🙂

[BooksandTrees]

Just wanted to say hi and I hope you're doing well. I've been a lot better with family developments. My son is sleeping more and my wife and I are finally sleeping in the same room again. 

We're still struggling immensely with postpartum depression. It's been hard to think about anything and that's why I haven't really written here. I get so upset thinking about everything. But therapy is helping a lot. 

He's the absolute joy of my life. I love him so much. He's smiling now and making cute noises. It sounds stupid but I love him so much that I start to cry. It hurts so much that I almost lost him. He's so kind to everyone and full of love. I'm so grateful for him. 

The depression is hard. I'm finding myself gaining lots of weight, barely bathing, and just struggling to exercise. It's ironic because I give him multiple baths each week, keep everything of his clean and do his laundry etc. I help him exercise and stretch and feed him well. 

It's showing how hard it is to care for yourself when you're caring for others. I spend each waking moment taking care of him and my wife, or working. I don't have any time to myself. I don't even have time for porn. He requires so much attention and assistance that is just impossible to get more than 15 minutes to relax. So in this instance, I am technically miserable. But not upset. I just feel drained and exhausted. I've come so far. My wife and son have come so far from the disaster that occurred. We're healing and healthy. We're resilient. 

It's just a little tough balancing life at the moment. It's a lot of highs and lows. Seeing him cry is catastrophic after seeing him get through life in the hospital. I'd give anything for him to feel happy if he cries. I guess any parent does that, but just after months in the hospital I can't help but want to shield him. I think that's what's hurting a lot.

All I can do is my best, but what is the limit of my best and when is my best for him becoming a detriment to my family? That is going to be critical to monitor. I can only help people if I'm healthy.