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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I am constantly on this path of learning to be less hard on myself. 

Last night I ended work on a good note, rode my bike for 5 miles, did leg strengthening exercises, played the drums for an hour, read my book for an hour, watched my shows e.t.c. That basically means I did a ton of hobbies and had a good night. 

Instead of being happy i was frustrated because i didn't feel like drawing more of my cartoon character for my animation. I haven't done it in a week and got stressed about it last weekend. It's just constantly stressing me out. It feels like a job because there's so much to learn and the reward is either enjoying the process or seeing the final product. It's gonna take months to enjoy the final product and I don't enjoy the process yet because it's so difficult to deal with at first. 

The drums and stuff have been easier rewards. That is ok though. I'm allowed to take my time on this and I think I'll have a breakthrough with it after I create my first character. Then I can draw background and stuff. 

Here are some conclusions I've made:

1. I don't like being creative after 8 pm or 7 pm really. 

2. I don't like being creative after work and need a buffer. 

3. I don't like being creative first thing in the morning. 

4. I like being creative late morning or early afternoon. 

5. I like having people support me when I'm being creative and be around me.

6. If I open everything I'll start working. 

7. If I drink plenty of water beforehand and stay alert I'll be more eager to try. 

8. I don't want to be creative on my lunch break. 

This leaves me a few options:

1. Animate on weekends between 10 and 2. Not for the whole 4 hours. Just anywhere in that window. 

2. Animate on weekdays from 6 to 7.

3. It's ok to take my time because it's not my job. 

4. Once I learn the software I'll be less hesitant to start. 

5. I'm doing great anyways. 

6. If I don't feel like working on it one day or night then that's ok. It's not like I'm missing a submittal at work or failing. I just didn't feel like doing something I'm slightly interested in.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

It feels like a job because there's so much to learn and the reward is either enjoying the process or seeing the final product. It's gonna take months to enjoy the final product and I don't enjoy the process yet because it's so difficult to deal with at first. 

OH my I feel you so much! That's totally my experience with Art. This is super insightful into bettering my own process and approaches, thank you so much BooksandTrees!

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I did it. I recognized that I wanted to draw tonight so I did. I didn't complete the drawing either. I just got into a good environment to draw, turned on some relaxing music, and drew my character. I had fun and didn't stress. I did it for 2 hours. 

My thoughts on this are that I won't give myself a deadline to finish. It's a hobby. I do it when I want. Last night I wanted to drum. Tonight I wanted to draw. 

I think we try to replace gaming with so many hobbies that we want to do all of them immediately. One of the most difficult parts of recovery is recognizing what you want to do and when. After all, we don't really know what to do with this freedom. Video games mentally pulled us to the computer or console. We have choices now and it's overwhelming at times. 

I finally have hobbies I enjoy which include animation, painting, weight training, reading, drums, and puzzles. I can do them whenever I want because I gave myself the ability to have free time through my career choice. 

It took me 3 years to figure this out since I'm like 38 months free of gaming. 

I hope if you are reading this that it takes a while sometimes and you gotta be patient with yourself. 

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I did it. I recognized that I wanted to draw tonight so I did. I didn't complete the drawing either. I just got into a good environment to draw, turned on some relaxing music, and drew my character. I had fun and didn't stress. I did it for 2 hours. 

My thoughts on this are that I won't give myself a deadline to finish. It's a hobby. I do it when I want. Last night I wanted to drum. Tonight I wanted to draw. 

I think we try to replace gaming with so many hobbies that we want to do all of them immediately. One of the most difficult parts of recovery is recognizing what you want to do and when. After all, we don't really know what to do with this freedom. Video games mentally pulled us to the computer or console. We have choices now and it's overwhelming at times. 

I finally have hobbies I enjoy which include animation, painting, weight training, reading, drums, and puzzles. I can do them whenever I want because I gave myself the ability to have free time through my career choice. 

It took me 3 years to figure this out since I'm like 38 months free of gaming. 

I hope if you are reading this that it takes a while sometimes and you gotta be patient with yourself. 

Haha I totally feel you! I think that I feel a lot of frustration, quite often, when I am not learing or "succeeding" at things as quickly as I'd like to; it's so much easier to measure progress in video games. Life is much less linear 😠

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23 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Haha I totally feel you! I think that I feel a lot of frustration, quite often, when I am not learing or "succeeding" at things as quickly as I'd like to; it's so much easier to measure progress in video games. Life is much less linear 😠

Omg so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess it builds Patience in us to give up the easy progress. No less painful.  :34_rolling_eyes:

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On 12/17/2021 at 2:19 PM, The_Creative_Quitter said:

Omg so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess it builds Patience in us to give up the easy progress. No less painful.  :34_rolling_eyes:

Yes, very much. I think that a way to track progress and actually see it is to look at things month-by-month or even year-by-year, this way I can actually tell that I've improved at least to some extent. Keeping goals helps too because whenever I complete one, it feels like I made a large step forward. 

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On 12/19/2021 at 11:00 AM, Pochatok said:

Yes, very much. I think that a way to track progress and actually see it is to look at things month-by-month or even year-by-year, this way I can actually tell that I've improved at least to some extent. Keeping goals helps too because whenever I complete one, it feels like I made a large step forward. 

Omg, great idea, thanks!  I use a task software but usually just mark things off/delete when I finish.  I should keep a way to show myself my own progress...

 

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

It does take a while. Took me 2 years to figure out how to support myself after gaming. 
 

Thank you for sharing your heart. Have a beautiful day!

Glad to hear from you and hope you're doing well. 

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2 hours ago, The_Creative_Quitter said:

Omg, great idea, thanks!  I use a task software but usually just mark things off/delete when I finish.  I should keep a way to show myself my own progress...

 

I did the same thing with tracking porn usage and weight loss and it helped. I should probably track weight again lol.

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I didn't have a very productive night yesterday. I kind of lounged a lot. I missed my girlfriend and was bored after kind of an easy day at work. 

That happens though. We'll be moving in together soon and work is picking up. We're allowed to have off days. I did manage to read 30 pages of my book so I enjoyed that. I also cleaned. 

Today i will read more and see if i end up drawing or drumming or both. I'm kind of leaning towards drawing but I have 6 hours or so. I'd like to exercise a bit too.

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I've been very drained this week. Work has been boring and I've been less involved. Most people are on vacation and I finished my work. I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend and just resetting. 

I've been doing a lot of bad habits and being lazy. I just need some time to relax and get away from this environment. I've been binging junk food, sleeping poorly, etc. It's because I'm so bored during the day and have no drive that after the day ends I don't feel like being productive after 9 hours of non productive time. 

I think I need a new strategy for breaking up the day when that happens. Instead of trying to push through the boredom maybe I just break it into sections. 

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17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been very drained this week. Work has been boring and I've been less involved. Most people are on vacation and I finished my work. I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend and just resetting. 

I've been doing a lot of bad habits and being lazy. I just need some time to relax and get away from this environment. I've been binging junk food, sleeping poorly, etc. It's because I'm so bored during the day and have no drive that after the day ends I don't feel like being productive after 9 hours of non productive time. 

I think I need a new strategy for breaking up the day when that happens. Instead of trying to push through the boredom maybe I just break it into sections. 

I'm sorry you've been feeling bored! Hope that the 3-day weekend will help you recover from the bad habits you've been experiencing!

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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been very drained this week. Work has been boring and I've been less involved. Most people are on vacation and I finished my work. I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend and just resetting. 

 

I felt this way yesterday and this morning!  Trying to remind myself it's part of 'riding the waves' and letting myself just recharge - even when I'm wishing I was energetic (i.e. not beating myself up about it :34_rolling_eyes: ) ...     

By the way I was reading your post above (the one with the list of conditions for you to be creative/work) and thinking "Wow, we have a lot in common there" lol...   I have a feeling a good many of us have some similar preferences and struggles.  It's good to be in good company.  Enjoy your weekend (Merry Christmas, if you don't mind me saying!) and also, be kind to yourself - totally relax/recharge!

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16 hours ago, The_Creative_Quitter said:

I felt this way yesterday and this morning!  Trying to remind myself it's part of 'riding the waves' and letting myself just recharge - even when I'm wishing I was energetic (i.e. not beating myself up about it :34_rolling_eyes: ) ...     

By the way I was reading your post above (the one with the list of conditions for you to be creative/work) and thinking "Wow, we have a lot in common there" lol...   I have a feeling a good many of us have some similar preferences and struggles.  It's good to be in good company.  Enjoy your weekend (Merry Christmas, if you don't mind me saying!) and also, be kind to yourself - totally relax/recharge!

Thanks! Yeah, I find that many of us share the same core qualities as humans so I've always tried to be extremely transparent in my findings and thoughts regarding recovery and stuff. Figure it might help me relate to others and vice versa. Merry Christmas and glad you're here!

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On 12/24/2021 at 1:31 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks! Yeah, I find that many of us share the same core qualities as humans so I've always tried to be extremely transparent in my findings and thoughts regarding recovery and stuff. Figure it might help me relate to others and vice versa. Merry Christmas and glad you're here!

Brilliantly written. It also reminds me of the quote that we are unique individuals having common experiences, not common individuals having unique experiences.

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18 hours ago, Ikar said:

Brilliantly written. It also reminds me of the quote that we are unique individuals having common experiences, not common individuals having unique experiences.

That's a great quote. I just think humans are more relatable than we think and it's so important to have a sense of community for so many reasons. 

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Today sucked. I went to work and just had no interest at all. Extremely hard to focus. I left early and just did nothing for most of today. I did clean my house and throw out some stuff but I didn't read, barely played the drums and didn't draw or do puzzles. I just kind of lounged. 

I made a very nice dinner and cleared out some space in preparation for moving in with my girlfriend. I'm very, very excited for this. I'm very grateful. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I would like to just stay on task and find positive things to do if I can't focus. 

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