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Phoenixking

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Day 71. "Weight."

My friend Matt came over to talk about everything. The genius bastard brought his running shoes figured I'd need a good run and a talk. This dude had known me since kindergarten. His level of knowing me well has gone to near telepathy. It felt great. He also reassured me that he struggles with the same things, as do all other people. Money and big decisions, talking about just about anything with your partner, worrying about the future and daring to take risks, ... All of it. It put me at ease a little bit.

Today I quit my job. I heard about what I had to do from the union rep and what process it would require. How long I'd have to temp to even make it doable. I feel like if that's the price I'd have to pay to never set foot in that place again, I'd pay it. I posted my resignation letter today. I'll make an appointment with the doctor next week or something. I'll ask about extending the sick leave one last time and to take a look at my shoulder. The running felt kind of nice. Maybe I should do it again sometime? I've been craving some physical hobby.

I want to put down 1 building block a day. But I'm starting to feel like that's a tad too ambitious. I'm so overwhelmed by all of my chores, household stuff, administration, hobbies, ... Even if I cut whatever I can, I still feel like it's a huge load on a person. But it seems like everybody struggles with this. I just hope that cleaning my life up a bit more, making some changes and trying to slowly solidify my foundation will help out. For now I have the Japanese going for me and it's going to be a daily thing. I'll take a look at the Atomic Habits book again and see what the next 'upgrade' could be.

The videogame cravings are hella strong nowadays. The last relapse seems to have been a big one...

Recent highlight: Had a healthy evening with the girlfriend, no Netflix or anything, just talking and playing board- and cardgames together.

Budget status: Oddly enough, my girl is worse off. She's got a full-time paycheck and somehow I'm the one who's not bleeding money. I guess focussing on money and management helps.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my hands on the Atomic Habits book again and start tracking and looking at my habits, trying to improve the good ones, make new good ones and try to eliminate the bad ones.

 

Maintained habits: Daily Japanese lesson - Check

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Good job. I knew running would be helpful. This could be a new thing for you. At the very least it will boost overall health and sleep. Good luck on the new job search. Who knows what you'll find. 

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Day 72. "Slowly but Shirley."

I haven't done the habits-thing yet. I have to go and print it out. I'm trying to stay afloat in the midst of all of the stress, postponing certain things and giving priority over others. I hope that if I just keep doing stuff and trying to focus on getting better, bit by bit, the stress'll go away.

I have an improv class to teach tonight, the advanced classes, so that'll be fun. But I'll also have to get groceries and cook and that'll eat up a portion of my day. I wanted to wake up bright and early, but I'm not a morning person. My inner troll takes over and just smashes the snooze button, there's not a conscious thought in the process. I'd like to try and find some more reliable way of going to sleep and waking up. I feel like I should stop doing whatever I'm doing at around 10 pm, read a little bit and then try to drift off using nature sounds or something. I really need to get off the Netflix and podcasts and stuff, it's a pretty bad habit. And the only way of making sure that I'll fall asleep properly like that, is by working my ass off during the day. I think I might be spending my time just a bit too passively. Which is ironic because there's really so much to do and arrange.

I'll just do what seems needing doing. Groceries, cooking, prepping the class tonight, change the sheets, shower, clip my nails, do the dishes, ... It doesn't feel like a magical day full of crazy responsabilities. But even this gives me a level of anxiety. Almost as if I'm scared to forget something.

Recent highlight: My girl and I had been having an off week, without sex and with a few discussions/fights. This morning we had sex for the first time in what seemed like an age for us.

Budget status: Since my computer is still KO and at the repair shop, I don't have the full view. But I think I'll be fine for now. I have to get some temp jobs, but I'm fine with that over going to the office again.

My one goal for the next 24h: Make a list of my habits and observe which ones help me grow into the person I want to be and which ones slow me down. Also try to go to sleep in a healthy way and wake up early. But it'd be okay if that fails.

 

Maintained habits: Daily Japanese lesson - Check

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Day 73. "Quality time."

I woke up early today. Well, by that I mean my girl dragged me out of bed and I didn't fight her too much. I'm NOT a morning person and am not productive at all. It's about 11 am now and after I've had some food, I'll be good to go, finally. I hate waking up early, but I also take a lot of time to get my engine running. But it's like an old fashioned locomotive. It takes a long time at first to warm up, the speed is slow and bit by bit it accelerates. After a while, it's gotten to the point where it's hard to stop it. So I'm going to have some food now, look at my habits and my book once again, clean the kitchen counter, do the dishes and empty out the dishwasher and then I'll probably do some paperwork and emails and see if I can prepare for tomorrow. I have 2 days of acting lined up.

I'm having a bit of a fight with my girl. I took a stand. We've been having a rough patch and because of scheduling issues (me teaching a class, her going to dnd, me being addicted to a stupid phone game and not showing up at home) we agreed to select tonight as quality time. Nothing gets in the way, just her and me. Swimming, walking, boardgames, wine, whatever. Just the two of us. To remind ourselves of how much in love we are, despite the rough patch. 

But today she texts me that she'll have to work for two more hours after she's come home. She's spending a lot of time in meetings today so she has to catch up. Again. And it pisses me off. Her work is not supposed to come in between stuff like this, it's like our quality time as a couple is only possible because her work schedule permits it. I admit that I'm not the most easy person to schedule stuff with, but this should be a priority, right? She said I could have a few hours of quality time or nothing and that we should take what we can get. But I don't agree. Your relationship should be a priority over your work. I'm not the best person to say that because I had to have a talk with her modifying her expectations, I'm a creative freelancer after all, my schedule is chaos. Oh well... I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting a bit because I can see her slowly burning up. Her work stresses her out and on some days she's not sure she can handle it. I'm just worried, I guess...

My shoulder is more messed up than before. I can't fathom what I did wrong but it's clear that it's not going to go away on it's own. I'll have to see a doctor. Again. And I'll have to ask them for lenghtening my sick leave with 4 weeks. That's a pretty long time. I hope my oratory skill will be up to the task, I hope I can convice the doctor to give me what I want.

 

Recent highlight: The teaching last night went really well, I think. I'm curious if I'll get any feedback.

Budget status: So I'm broke, it seems. I hope the paperwork I send in today wil get my my sick pay. I hate paperwork. But I shouldn't have let it lying around like this. Now I have to scrape by. Like, I have to drive 200 kilometers in the next two days. I hope I can pay for that.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get the paperwork done today and get my work done so that I can act and coast on my prepped work. I don't like having to do last minute stuff.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

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Day 74. "Travel? Seriously?"

I slept in hella late today. I really need to work on my daily schedule one of these days... It's all so random. I can start my day anywhere in betwee 6:30 am or 11:30 am. Sleepy me just ignores the alarm clock. And I need about an hour to wake up properly. Coffee first, then Japanese exercises, then food and then we kick ass. So I'm starting to get into a useable morning routine. I might try adding some physical exercise in there. Phys rep stuff or 30 min runs.

I'm about to leave for my acting job for two days, I might not post. It'll depend on the chaos and time.

I just had a big talk with my girl. She wants to travel. Like, wtf? She's basically bleeding money, we're about to go and live together and pool our finances and all of a sudden she comes off as a whining, spoiled, fancy white girl. She says it's really important for her to have one big holiday each year, travelling is important for her and it's a priority that her partner can come along with her. Not only can she not afford it right now, I can't afford it either. I understand that it's her way of de-stressing and winding down and sure, discovering and learning about new cultures first hand is super cool and enriching for your mind and soul. And she doesn't need anything fancy, we can go backpacking, use hostels and cheap flights, ... I'm all for it, you can do cool stuff with a few hundred bucks. But then she talks about Canada, Peru, Japan, ... Exotic stuff... 

I'm used to saving money, being poor, budgetting, ... I get my kicks from performing, doing what I love, improving myself and my life. I love travelling and adventures, but I've had less then 5 trips in the last 10-15 years. Canada, New York, Spain and Japan. She's used to travelling waaay more. She's starting to have doubts about us, it feels. She's stressing out a lot. It might be work or simple fear of commitment. But I feel like maybe we should postpone the living together a bit until we've become a bit more stable... Just because it saves money, shouldn't mean we have to start living together and pool our resources. That's a bad move and a risk I'm not willing to take. And I understand that travelling is a priority for her but waiting a bit shouldn't be a dealbreaker, especially when she's been complaining about how she bleeds money and yet doesn't seem to do anything about it. She can be a bit all over the place sometimes and I want a stable relationship myself too. I don't like thinking in terms or right or wrong, but I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. She's a bit afraid that I'll never be able to give her the slightly more luxurious lifestyle she's eager to have. I feel like she also wants more structure. I work when she's free and the other way around. She's chaotic. So where I'd say, let's check the planner and schedule some dates, she'd just want more spontaneous stuff. My friend keeps telling me that this is the core of a relationship. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it...

I'm happy that I'm no longer this person who'd sacrifice everything to be with someone. But I hope I'm not being too stubborn.

 

Recent highlight: Last night we stayed in, cuddled and watched a movie. She fell asleep in my arms. And she loved the hot chocolate I made her. It was all so simple, but felt great.

Budget status: Still broke. But if my understanding of my paperwork is correct, there's still 600 bucks coming. I might have to tough out October and November. But in November this shit should end, I'll get a temp job and get paid more and more regularly. There is indeed a winter coming.

My one goal for the next 24h: Keep my head screwed on right, try not to worry about the relationship stuff too much and act my ass of and enjoy the next 2 days of acting. Yay!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

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This has been an issue with my dating adventures as well. I don't like to travel and I feel like social media had influenced people to travel so much. Travel blogs make a ton of money because they entice you to do it. It's an addiction. An expensive addiction. 

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On 10/5/2019 at 6:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

This has been an issue with my dating adventures as well. I don't like to travel and I feel like social media had influenced people to travel so much. Travel blogs make a ton of money because they entice you to do it. It's an addiction. An expensive addiction. 

Tell me about it. However, my travels to Japan, NYC, California and Canada changed my life and how I am. So I totally get why she wants to do it. But I also things she's just fleeing. She's trying to find something she can use to run from her problems instead of facing them. Just like what we do with games. I understand why, but I can't allow it. I've fought a lot in my life and it's made me stronger, I want that for her too. And then there's the money issues. It's insane. My friend told me he had the same issue with his girl too, until he just let go and agreed and she took a look at the books herself. That's when she came to the conclusion herself that it's just not possible. I guess I might do that too. I don't know. Relationships are complicated, man. Well, not always, but nowadays mine sometimes really is. We're just both dealing with a lot right now.

Edited by Phoenixking
Wasn't done, lol.

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Day 77. "Get out of jail free card."

Slept in late today. Again. But I made progress. This time I was more conscious than last time. I am not an animal in the morning, I noticed I can be reached with some impuls. If I could only figure out which. If I snooze once, I lose the entire day, go to sleep late  again and it all happens anew. I just need 1 night to start a winning streak. In a way, my girl's stuff is in the way. We sometimes get to bed really late because she's working or doing something else or scrolling her phone and I don't always have the guts to be strict. I'm focussing on creating good habits for now, this week I might start with my daily water intake, using a cool app (I got inspired by @Deku ). But there's going to be a point where I'll focus on my sleep pattern and sleep hygiene and that's going to be a big change, I feel. She's a tad chaotic and needs a lot of structure, I am too, I crave structure, but I'm learning to give it to myself because I'm tired of failing in my ambitions. Her chaos sometimes spills over onto my structure and it slows my progress. The things we do for love, I guess...

My acting gig this weekend was great. I love doing my job. Speaking of which, this week marks my first week of quitting my job. 6 weeks is the total amount. So I quit it last week, and when you do, you need to keep on working for six more weeks and then you get no pay, no unemployment, nada. This is week 1 of 6. After that, my life is finally in my own hands again! This week and next week are still sick leave. So I'm safe for now. I was afraid to go to the doctor today to ask for an extension, since not wanting to go back there is not that big a reason and I wasn't sure the paperwork had gone according to plan. If she's make an exception and give me another 4 weeks, but in reality, I'd need 5? I'm not sure I'd dare to ask a second extension.

I had a huge conversation with my girl last night. I have figured out that her landlord never filed the contract of her apartment with the state. I went to some info place about renting and they told me that if we got lucky and it's not registered yet, we can get out without having to pay fines and we can leave whenever we want because it's not legit paperwork. Right now, from the looks of it, we're in the clear. We're filing for a doublecheck at the tax office and if it comes out clear, we're gone. Not fines, saving us 1300 bucks of fines we won't have to pay and we'll start immediately saving 400 bucks on rent, both of us, each month. All costs cut in half. I'd be great, financially. But we'd need to make changes to the apartment. Living together can be a challenge for any couple. We're no different. We'd put a lot of stuff on paper and sign it to both feel safe. In case something happens, both of us would get what we own and invested back.

My girl was a bit surprised and scared of me. Like as if her trust in me got scratched. I was so stonecold and rational about it all. I had figured out a legal way to weasel out of the contract because her landlord didn't file her paper with the tax office right. No fines for us and we get to leave whenever we want and on our own terms. But she felt like it was wrong. These were people who needed the money from renting out the apartment to pay for their mortgage. I feel like it's kind of her, but if she wants to volunteer to pay the fine for leaving the apartment contract early, she can do it all on her own. She said if we do this, she's scared she'll make them mad. She's scared they are going to try and fuck us over by not giving us the safety deposit back or anything. I said they're already trying to fuck you over each month by not providing her with an adequate fridge, stovetop or a bathroom with proper ventilation. I can't believe how fucking soft she is. It's like she would just hand her money over to them and do nothing about it, not wanting to anger anybody. How can you exist like that? It's like you keep apologizing to everyone around you for breathing their air.

 

Recent highlight: The acting went amazing. Such a mindfuck. It's a long story, but there was this one woman who got so sucked into the story, and told me all about what she felt and was going through. THAT is why I do what I do.

Budget status: If we hear back from the tax office and we're lucky, we might not have to pay any fines for leaving my girl's apartment. We've also been talking about her parents buying her a place nearby and renting it out to us. It'll take a big conversation with them because I want to feel safe. I am not willing to 'move into her apartment'. This is an 'us'-thing. The aparment has to feel like ours, both of us. So I want both of us to pay rent, equal amounts and for them act like neutral landlords. If we'd break up, I'd probably have to move so I'm putting myself in a more vulnerable position than her. Balance is important, but financially, I feel like we're making some right moves here.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get the laundry problem sorted. Make different baskets for white, colored, 30 degrees and 60 degrees laundry with labels on them. We need to clear out the place a bit and upgrade our laundry process.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress

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Day 79. "Fearful and eager, tedium and drive."

 

I went to see my mom. We talked about how much of a struggle life sometimes can be. She wired me some money, the sweetheart. She also gave me a birthday present she got from Venice, Italy. A motherfucking writing quill. Like, decorated, gorgeous metal, some ink. The feather is bright green with yellow spots. If I ever have some cool document to sign, I could do it with that one, the Feather of the Phoenix King. Crazy cool gift. It was also nice to be able to unload all of my stress. She listened to my quarrels and worries. I'm super happy we have this kind of relationship now. She's a smart and experienced woman, albeit flawed. It's funny how at some point in your life it dawns on you that your parents are not perfect, we're all only human, but for a long time they always seemed as if they had all the answers. I guess nobody really knows what they're doing. That must be why life is so confusing and hard sometimes, nobody's figured it out yet because there are no straight answers. It's all shades of gray.

Yesterday was pretty productive. My app tracking my water intake was a good move. I cleaned out the pig sty that is our laundry room and set up different baskets for different types of laundry. One worry less. We haven't heard from the tax office yet so knock on wood. My mom told me that I should get new glasses this week since they have some kind of promotion that allows you to get 3 glasses for the price of 1! She's buying them for me, she says, but I have to got to the store and pick them out. You don't have to ask me twice!

I've been sleeping kind of badly. Nightmares, tossing and turning. It's the office stuff. And the pressure I put on myself and money issues. I'm a productive dude if I can maintain my current tempo. I hope it's all going to be allright and some gigs might start coming in. I planned a writing day in the next two weeks and another moment to not perfect my resumé but just to get it to the point where I can work with it. The next step'll be to get my social media engine up and running and get some kind of plan for that. It's going to be hard, to be honest. It's going to be tedious to HAVE to post daily. But from that point on, it'll be work-related. I have to achieve some level of fame or reknown for my kind of business. The world is filled with talented entertainers. But not a lot of them get noticed and can build a career out of it. There is no Entertainment Committee that is going to come and knock on your door to pick you up out of your couch and send you off to the big leagues. You have to prove to the world, on a daily scale, that you are the best at what you do. The only way you'll get plucked is if you can prep yourself, rise above the other crops and make sure you're ripe enough to get picked.

 

Recent highlight: Got the writing quill from mom. A véry renaissance gift, so cool.

Budget status: Got my pay for september, finally. I can breathe a little easier. With a bit of luck, I can make it past October. If my math is right and the doctor willing, I can start work again mid-November.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have some errands to run, so my one goal is to get to cleaning up a little bit here after those are done.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress

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Day 81. "She hopped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over."

I know, it's a joke in poor taste. It still made me giggle the first time I heard it. Living together with somebody can be annoying sometimes, that's part of it, I know. But realizing that rationally, doesn't make me any less annoyed emotionally. We had a huge conversation recently about my girl trying to grow up more. She's a little bit behind because her parents always mothered her too much, making her 'weaker' in the long run. I am the complete opposite and have been on my own since I was 19. Ten years later, I have all my ducks in a row, so to say. She's still playing catchup. Which is something that tries my patience... It's small things, like losing stuff. Her phone, het VPN-dongle, ... She was measuring her temperature with my Japanese thermometer and after she was done, just put it on the coach. I wanted to put it back in the medicine cabinet before it got lost, I take care of my belongings. She took offense. And then I said it. I was afraid that she'd lose it because she keeps losing stuff. She took offense, of course, but I also feel like it's a feeling grounded in reality. I've driven her to over half the country to get her phone back from some odd, random, far away train station. The atmosphere is just a little bit tense right now. She's also véry sensitive to her hormonal cycle each month. How angry she can get and how quickly, how sad she can get for nothing, ... I guess it's poor timing to bitch about stuff to her on my end. But I adhere to the idea that I should be honest with her all the time. I guess a part of a relationship is figuring things like these out. There's no real right answers, just rolling with the punches and hoping you can take the hits together and not drop the ball too often.

I am a bit stressed and scared. Next week is my last week of sick leave. I have a regular doctor's appointment on Monday. If I play my cards right, she'll lengthen the sick leave for another 4 weeks and I'm good. If not... I might go a bit dark. I've already thought of a few doctors nearby that could do it in her stead. And a friend or two of mine are doctors too. I might press that relationship for a favor like that. It's not very ethical, I know. But desparate men do desparate things. If the amount of stress and bullshit is so high at that office that I'm willing to go THAT far, shouldn't an extension be warranted since it helps me dodge so many mental issues? And after all it's been extended two or three times now just for administrative purposes. I also discovered I have another appointment the day after too. The people who pay me for my sick leave want to see me... Who knows where I'll be in a week?

I slept in this morning. I was supposed to wake up early and get shit done again. But I like waking up with my girl and snoozing. It was about 10 am before my day got started. A part of me thinks it was okay. Since I'll be working all weekend and quality time is important. But on the other hand, I've been feeling a bit trapped or slowed down sometimes too. When I get the water-thing down and the habit has truly been ingrained, I'll either look into exercising or the waking up thing. My sleep routine needs a makeover and some solid structure.

 

Recent highlight: Discovering a new season of The Walking Dead, Westworld and Brooklyn 99. 

Budget status: I fucked up a bit. I didn't let the sick pay people know I was working last weekend. This might spoil the broth a bit. I'm going to try and clear it up later today by phone. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Do a good job tonight at my acting gig and try to get there early to get some other stuff done in the mean time.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress

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I've read the last few entries of yours. Good luck with your artistic endeavors and your (sometimes neurotic!) girlfriend!

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Day 84. "48 hours. 6 months."

I acted the hell out of the past weekend. I gave some people the thrill of a lifetime. I feel very proud. The live podcast could have gone better, but a lot of people still liked how witty and funny I was and the story writer told me about a secret dream they have: they want to write a movie with me. I told him I'd be up for it. If I'd be able to co-write and sell a movie scenario with him, I'd be set for a while. 

Everything seems to be a-okay with my girl and the moving in together is nearing a deadline. We'll receive word soon about how we'll go about cancelling her place. If we're lucky, we won't have to pay any fines for breaking her contract. But if we go about that route, she fears we might anger the landlord and it might bite us on the way out. She still has a security deposit invested in the place. I feel like there are no right answers here. I'd take the risk. She doesn't want to. We both feel like it's supposed to be a mutual decision. If she insists to pay the fine to keep the peace, I feel like it should be her money. She feels if we take the risk and it blows up in our face, I'd have to pay for any surprise bullshit the angered landlord might send our way. I think time will tell. 

I am in the middle of an important 48 hours. Today I had a visit with my doctor, tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor from the health insurance company that pays for my sick leave. Both those determine what will happen in the next 4 weeks. After that, the next 6 months will be on me, building the foundations of starting my own company. I'm both terrified and excited. My own doctor extended my sick leave, thus eliminating the possibility of ever having to return to that infernal office ever again. I quit my job myself and I am on sick leave until the end of my legally obliged period that I'd have to remain there. The doctor tomorrow will determine if I'll get sick pay for those remaining 4 weeks. It might be a big issue short term if that doesn't pan out. But long term, I'll be okay. I think I have, at the moment, everything I'd need to set up what I was planning to. The only thing I am left with is walking down the path I'm planning to.

If everything goes well, I'll be a small business owner in 6 months and a certified speech coach. In another year, I'll be a full-time self-employed creative writer, actor and comedian. A part of me fears I'm going into a battle that will destroy me. Another part of me sings war hymns of how I may never die.

 

Recent highlight: Getting a participant of the Prison Escape acting job I'm a part of to feel like she was the lead in her own jailbreak movie.

Budget status: Tomorrow will set if I'll get some pay for the next few weeks. I'm not going to lie, I'm running on fumes a bit. It's a month to month situation for now. But in 4 weeks, I'll go hard on the temping thing and try to set up a healthy bank account in a couple of months. Working hard to achieve a dream is what I was made for.

My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the doctor's appointment tomorrow and explain the situation. Also get a part of my paperwork done. So many letters, so many documents, ...

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress

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Day 85. "New chapter inbound."

Well, both doctor's appointments went great, to be honest. I got granted my last extension of paid sick leave. Starting this Monday, it'll be 4 weeks before my new start begins. I'll be temping for a while as I prep starting my own business. So there's some time for my side projects, prepping the resumé and so on. EXCITING!

It's also very terrifying. Very. And there will be roadblocks ahead. I just have to keep fighting and sowing seeds here and there.

 

Recent highlight: The last doctor was shocked when I told her about the previous doctor's behaviour. She agreed with me finding him unprofessional. Not that it matters, but it felt nice to get some acknowledgement. Now that he no longer has any influence on the matter, I was thinking of filing a complaint or maybe go and give him a piece of my mind. 

Budget status: Well, I might make the next month, just barely. I'm kind of scraping by and my savings are almost spent. It'll be a breather when my girl moves in, but we haven't heard from the tax office about the fine yet. I'll make a call soon to clear things up. Also, my computer doesn't seem to be coming back, so I'll have to start a new budget file...

My one goal for the next 24h: I have a improv gig tonight and I'm planning on kicking ass!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress and doing fine so far. After a few weeks I'll start considering this habit as maintained and move onto the next which will concern personal hygiene, food intake and quality or maybe sports. We'll see.

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Day 86. "Dinner."

Got up today and proceeded to fulfull all my designated habits. Drink enough water, making the bed, play some chess on my phone, mealprepping and starting to cook dinner.

Last night's gig was pretty great.

Tonight I'm having fancy dinner with my sister. Normally I obviously couldn't afford it. But there's this special month where everybody under 30 can go to a high class restaurant with star chefs for only 50 bucks. I order 4 of those last month. I kind of splurged... But luckily it is all-included and pre-paid. So I can just sit back and enjoy it without having to worry about money tonight.

I'm growing more and more scared at some points, I notice. Fear in my relationship: one moment I'm daydreaming about what our wedding day would be, the other I catch myself wondering if I'm sexually attracted enough to her to maintain a monogamous relationship longterm. Fear in my career: one moment I'm terrified that I'll be poor in no time, fail horribly and end up in a worse place than I started, the other moment I feel like I was born to do this and that it'll be hard but that I'm now enough of a solid person to pull it off. Fear in my friends: sometimes it's great and I feel like I'm being included, the other moment I wonder if they're true friends and if I'm getting what I'm needing, like is this symbiosis or am I settling?

 

Recent highlight: The gig last night went pretty great and I had to laugh badly a couple of times. Improv is great.

Budget status: Got word from the tax office. We have to pre-pay 5 bucks to get the records checked... Only now do we receive this message. Ugh. So lame and time consuming. It'll take another week probably to get thing started and another one or two for them to check the records and another week or maybe two to get back to us. UGH. Give us the catharsis already!

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a lovely evening with my sister over dinner while spending an afternoon filled with productivity.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress and doing fine so far. I'm slowly starting to get used to it I think. A couple more weeks and I'll be porn-free for 90 days! I wonder what bad thing I should lay off next... Alcohol maybe? Considering my addiction-sensitive personality, I'd be worth to lay off it for a while. But I'm not sure. Maybe sugar? Or just not quit anything but keep adding good habits instead of laying off other stuff? In any case, I want to continue this diary, it gives me so much needed structure.

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Day 88. "Lunch."

Slept in again because we went out late. Saw a comedian but the girlfriend begged me to go get one drink somewhere. We saw a band perform that she coincidentally knew and a friend of hers was there. She says she missed doing spontaneous things like this.

Today we went for lunch and spent 3 hours doing it. We talked about a lot of different things, one of which is how spoiled she used to be. But also how she copes badly with not having all that luxury anymore since she can't afford it. It's starting to show that she's a bit younger than I am. Still madly in love, though.

She's been working from home for 2 days now. It bugs me, I hate to admit it. She's very distracting. I'll build a desk soon so that I can work in a separate room. I'm spending my workdays in the bedroom now mostly. 

I've figured out what my next 90 days will be about: using my phone in bed and using it to fall asleep. No more netflix or podcasts, ... I might get a small reading light and read a book or something. This is going to really be a big thing. It'll upgrade my sleep hygiene, but I'll have to kick the habit and grit my teeth for a while. I just hope the reading and maybe some meditation will be enough.

 

Recent highlight: The lunch was so ridiculously delicious. And I just got a call for a job interview next monday. I play my cards right and I might be one of the new production heads at my acting gig. So I'll be organising more and working more comercially with clients directly instead of acting. I'll still act (I hope, I assume, we'll see) and I look at it as a step forwards. I've been playing with the idea of writing a story of my own, pitching it to them and having them make a production out of it. I'd love it if they'd expand to my hometown. I wonder if I could push it in the right direction.

Budget status: Oh god, I'm slipping again... Costs pile up and money goes down. I'm sure I'll make rent and solace should be here soon. But I've clearly been stressed lately...

My one goal for the next 24h: Go out and let loose, finally! De-stress a bit, drink and dance!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - In progress

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13 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

She says she missed doing spontaneous things like this

I don't know if you live in a big area but one date idea that is fun is something I call adventure dates. Next time your in a city if you see a store or anything that you or your girlfriend are interested in just go inside. Even if you don't buy anything it's cool to see what shops have to offer! Also same thing for food makes you try new things. It can lead to some fun days! 

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Day 0. "Aftermath"

Last night was the final night I fell asleep using Netflix. Now that I've been off of games & porn for 90 days, I'm going to focus on my sleep hygiene. Ever since I slipped into and out of and back into major mental health issues (among which the addiction stuff), I've been using technology to fall asleep. Often a series or movie would play in the background to make me feel less lonely. In more recent years this turned into using my smartphone for listening to podcasts or Netflix. A horrible habit that ruins my sleep and mornings. Tough to break.

I'm going to try and add sports, meditating, better personal hygiene to my habits I try to maintain. Hopefully those will improve my life even further. I'll try to add them slowly. Giving the habits time to take root. The biggest change will probably be these new 90 days with a different sleep ritual. I'll try to get one of those reading lights. It's like a small LED-light with a flexible neck and a small clamp? That way I can read without bugging the GF. I'll also try to keep an eye on what I'm doing in the evenings. I don't want too many screens nearby. My glasses have a blue light filter and my phone has one of those apps. And I feel like there's better ways to relax at night than watching Netflix. But it's going to be a major struggle. On top of that, I can't force my girl to participate. So if she wants some quality time at 10:30 pm by watching a movie, I'll have a tough time deciding what to do.

I can't believe I've gone 90 days without porn... I didn't think it was possible. I guess I just started focussing and finding happiness and joy and tasty brain chemicals elsewhere.

I had a huge fight this weekend. Hence the titel of this post. When she's on her period, my girl gets véry emotional. It's almost stereotypical. She's prone to bursts of anger, sadness, ... You name it. I'd prefer to steer clear, but I feel like that's almost a bit too cartoonesque. She's only human, not some period-demon. But she did say some wicked things. I still feel some distance between us that needs resolving because of it.

We were supposed to have a driver's class; I'm teaching her how to drive. And at a certain point she just snapped. I think I might have said something about chores. How she leaves towel or her stuff lying around everywhere. I'm a very chaotic person but this diary and my life improvements help me get things on track. Keeping a tight ship is one of those things. I'm very attached to the way I do things around the house. It's a bit neurotic or I'm overcompensating, I admit. But if you look at where I'm coming from, I'd choose neurotic over addicted and sloppy. But then she just broke. 

Cried and screamed about how I'm so demanding. But I stayed calm, didn't scream back, I just wanted her to feel understood and listened to and maybe we could work something out. Ironically, that infuratiated her even more. It made me seem superior to her because I was able to keep a cool head and she wasn't. It turns out when somebody's hulking out, the last thing they want is for somebody to smile at them and ask them what's wrong. I was being too nice, she said, and she wanted to get me be pissed off too. Obviously that didn't work and I just stepped back. She sat there for a while, being angry at herself and at how emotional she was. I tried engaging a problem-solving conversation a couple of times but she either ignored me or bossed me around and tried to make us both clean up. I promptly started cleaning up but she helped for about 5 minutes and then sat back down again and kept sobbing. She started messing with her phone, watching Netflix, ... I cleaned the place up. I felt good actually. It needed a good clean. I wasn't sad, angry or frustrated. Just happy and proud of myself for cleaning. It seems like nowadays I'm superstrong emotionally.

She ended up calming down, having the driving lessons with me and after going home we decided, after cooking, to go see Joker.

She had expressed her doubts and fear about living together. How she feels like I'm miles ahead of her sometimes. A thing that I have been worried about too. I'm always moving forwards. I improve myself, my environment, my job, ... I try to work on lots of aspects of my life. She's not of the same philosophy it seems. She's mostly just stressed out because of her work or because how hard she is on herself. She's a couple of years younger than I am. She's 26, I'm 29. I was her age when I only started with the addiction and self-improvement stuff. I can't judge her for having parents that raised to become a bit spoiled, nor can I hold her to the same standards as I have. Sometimes it feels like I'm some sort of teacher, guardian, mentor or dad to her. I strive to get my ducks in a row, it feels and she doesn't pour energy into that as much. 

She wants to move into a new apartment and feels like renting is such a waste. But I'm not comfortable with buying real estate when you haven't even been together for less than a year. She even mentioned a house. My fear of commitment kicked in (and also sane thoughts, because wtf that's all way too soon!) and I took a few steps back and told her to realign her expectations. Her parents might buy her a place and we could rent it from them, I'd be down with that, but she doesn't really take any initiative, it seems. I know she has some maturing to do, but it can be pretty tiresome to always be the bigger person. I think it all lacks a bit of balance. I have a strong back, though and crazy amounts of patience. But I'm no fool. I've learned from my mistakes. Maybe it's better to cut my losses?

She mentioned that we didn't have to move in together, that maybe postponing it would be better. I agreed.

Then I asked what would happen. To which she replied she'd move back in with her parents. More than an hour away from here.

And now I don't know what to do. If I go ahead and postpone moving in together, I might very well lose her. But I don't like feeling like my back's against the wall. I realize that sometimes you need to take the leap and that you can't survive in a long lasting relationship forever on just love alone, there's other factors involved.

 If I don't postpone it, I'd feel like I'd be risking too much. It'd be going in against my instincts. But those are led by fear of commitment in a way. She's loved by my family, friends, all signs point towards her being a good girl and a good match. So that makes me think this is all just on me and my fears.

 

Recent highlight: Had an amazing meeting about the radio show I'm writing. It's looking like D-Day is going to be 8 November. Voice actors are lined up. I'd need to rewrite the script to draft 4 but that's no biggie. The post-production and editing seem doable. I am so stoked this is happening. I'm going to tape a pilot and try to make it the best thing ever.

Budget status: Money coming in soon from 2 gigs I did last month. FINALLY. So I'll probably survive rent this month without touching my savings. My savings contain 1 month of rent right now. So there's no emergency fund for anything at the moment.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have an improv show to play tonight and I'm stoked!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - Check. This takes less and less effort every day so I'm going from 'In progress' to 'Check'. I have less cravings for other beverages. My next new habit will probably be my dental hygiene. I don't have insurance and I've needed 2 holes getting filled in the last year. I need to take better care of my teeth. 3x brushing a day and I'd need to find out when to floss and clean them with one of those tiny brushes that can go in between teeth.

Edited by Phoenixking
Wasn't done typing.
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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Day 0. "Aftermath"

Last night was the final night I fell asleep using Netflix. Now that I've been off of games & porn for 90 days, I'm going to focus on my sleep hygiene. Ever since I slipped into and out of and back into major mental health issues (among which the addiction stuff), I've been using technology to fall asleep. Often a series or movie would play in the background to make me feel less lonely. In more recent years this turned into using my smartphone for listening to podcasts or Netflix. A horrible habit that ruins my sleep and mornings. Tough to break.

I'm going to try and add sports, meditating, better personal hygiene to my habits I try to maintain. Hopefully those will improve my life even further. I'll try to add them slowly. Giving the habits time to take root. The biggest change will probably be these new 90 days with a different sleep ritual. I'll try to get one of those reading lights. It's like a small LED-light with a flexible neck and a small clamp? That way I can read without bugging the GF. I'll also try to keep an eye on what I'm doing in the evenings. I don't want too many screens nearby. My glasses have a blue light filter and my phone has one of those apps. And I feel like there's better ways to relax at night than watching Netflix. But it's going to be a major struggle. On top of that, I can't force my girl to participate. So if she wants some quality time at 10:30 pm by watching a movie, I'll have a tough time deciding what to do.

I can't believe I've gone 90 days without porn... I didn't think it was possible. I guess I just started focussing and finding happiness and joy and tasty brain chemicals elsewhere.

I had a huge fight this weekend. Hence the titel of this post. When she's on her period, my girl gets véry emotional. It's almost stereotypical. She's prone to bursts of anger, sadness, ... You name it. I'd prefer to steer clear, but I feel like that's almost a bit too cartoonesque. She's only human, not some period-demon. But she did say some wicked things. I still feel some distance between us that needs resolving because of it.

We were supposed to have a driver's class; I'm teaching her how to drive. And at a certain point she just snapped. I think I might have said something about chores. How she leaves towel or her stuff lying around everywhere. I'm a very chaotic person but this diary and my life improvements help me get things on track. Keeping a tight ship is one of those things. I'm very attached to the way I do things around the house. It's a bit neurotic or I'm overcompensating, I admit. But if you look at where I'm coming from, I'd choose neurotic over addicted and sloppy. But then she just broke. 

Cried and screamed about how I'm so demanding. But I stayed calm, didn't scream back, I just wanted her to feel understood and listened to and maybe we could work something out. Ironically, that infuratiated her even more. It made me seem superior to her because I was able to keep a cool head and she wasn't. It turns out when somebody's hulking out, the last thing they want is for somebody to smile at them and ask them what's wrong. I was being too nice, she said, and she wanted to get me be pissed off too. Obviously that didn't work and I just stepped back. She sat there for a while, being angry at herself and at how emotional she was. I tried engaging a problem-solving conversation a couple of times but she either ignored me or bossed me around and tried to make us both clean up. I promptly started cleaning up but she helped for about 5 minutes and then sat back down again and kept sobbing. She started messing with her phone, watching Netflix, ... I cleaned the place up. I felt good actually. It needed a good clean. I wasn't sad, angry or frustrated. Just happy and proud of myself for cleaning. It seems like nowadays I'm superstrong emotionally.

She ended up calming down, having the driving lessons with me and after going home we decided, after cooking, to go see Joker.

She had expressed her doubts and fear about living together. How she feels like I'm miles ahead of her sometimes. A thing that I have been worried about too. I'm always moving forwards. I improve myself, my environment, my job, ... I try to work on lots of aspects of my life. She's not of the same philosophy it seems. She's mostly just stressed out because of her work or because how hard she is on herself. She's a couple of years younger than I am. She's 26, I'm 29. I was her age when I only started with the addiction and self-improvement stuff. I can't judge her for having parents that raised to become a bit spoiled, nor can I hold her to the same standards as I have. Sometimes it feels like I'm some sort of teacher, guardian, mentor or dad to her. I strive to get my ducks in a row, it feels and she doesn't pour energy into that as much. 

She wants to move into a new apartment and feels like renting is such a waste. But I'm not comfortable with buying real estate when you haven't even been together for less than a year. She even mentioned a house. My fear of commitment kicked in (and also sane thoughts, because wtf that's all way too soon!) and I took a few steps back and told her to realign her expectations. Her parents might buy her a place and we could rent it from them, I'd be down with that, but she doesn't really take any initiative, it seems. I know she has some maturing to do, but it can be pretty tiresome to always be the bigger person. I think it all lacks a bit of balance. I have a strong back, though and crazy amounts of patience. But I'm no fool. I've learned from my mistakes. Maybe it's better to cut my losses?

She mentioned that we didn't have to move in together, that maybe postponing it would be better. I agreed.

Then I asked what would happen. To which she replied she'd move back in with her parents. More than an hour away from here.

And now I don't know what to do. If I go ahead and postpone moving in together, I might very well lose her. But I don't like feeling like my back's against the wall. I realize that sometimes you need to take the leap and that you can't survive in a long lasting relationship forever on just love alone, there's other factors involved.

 If I don't postpone it, I'd feel like I'd be risking too much. It'd be going in against my instincts. But those are led by fear of commitment in a way. She's loved by my family, friends, all signs point towards her being a good girl and a good match. So that makes me think this is all just on me and my fears.

 

Recent highlight: Had an amazing meeting about the radio show I'm writing. It's looking like D-Day is going to be 8 November. Voice actors are lined up. I'd need to rewrite the script to draft 4 but that's no biggie. The post-production and editing seem doable. I am so stoked this is happening. I'm going to tape a pilot and try to make it the best thing ever.

Budget status: Money coming in soon from 2 gigs I did last month. FINALLY. So I'll probably survive rent this month without touching my savings. My savings contain 1 month of rent right now. So there's no emergency fund for anything at the moment.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have an improv show to play tonight and I'm stoked!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - Check. This takes less and less effort every day so I'm going from 'In progress' to 'Check'. I have less cravings for other beverages. My next new habit will probably be my dental hygiene. I don't have insurance and I've needed 2 holes getting filled in the last year. I need to take better care of my teeth. 3x brushing a day and I'd need to find out when to floss and clean them with one of those tiny brushes that can go in between teeth.

I think you're in a tight spot. She has been a very influential person in your life. I remember when you were single you were so lonely and binging porn. She's been someone who has given you confidence and compassion as well as companionship. I think that's important for you. 

I think you'd have to weigh things out with her and really consider your life before her before ending things. I think just a long talk explaining your feelings about buying something would be important. She sounds insecure, spoiled, and stressed out and less worried about putting other people first, so maybe a little selfish, especially in arguments. It sounded like she wanted either your pity or for you to yell at her so she could try to make you feel like the bad person in the fight so she feels better about her own flaws. I would never change your strategy where you just listened to her. That's the correct thing to do. I've had girlfriends, friends, my mom, people online, who instigate fights and then try to make you look like the worst person so they feel better and it just shows how pathetic they are. 

I'm not saying she's pathetic. I think she's been great for you and I think you're better off with her right now. I just think if she has another argument like this again then don't change. She admires your strength to change and that's why she's angry about it. 

Good luck with the gigs and congrats on 90 days without porn. I'm 2 lol

Edited by BooksandTrees
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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

think you're in a tight spot. She has been a very influential person in your life. I remember when you were single you were so lonely and binging porn. She's been someone who has given you confidence and compassion as well as companionship. I think that's important for you. 

I think you'd have to weigh things out with her and really consider your life before her before ending things. I think just a long talk explaining your feelings about buying something would be important. She sounds insecure, spoiled, and stressed out and less worried about putting other people first, so maybe a little selfish, especially in arguments. It sounded like she wanted either your pity or for you to yell at her so she could try to make you feel like the bad person in the fight so she feels better about her own flaws. I would never change your strategy where you just listened to her. That's the correct thing to do. I've had girlfriends, friends, my mom, people online, who instigate fights and then try to make you look like the worst person so they feel better and it just shows how pathetic they are. 

I'm not saying she's pathetic. I think she's been great for you and I think you're better off with her right now. I just think if she has another argument like this again then don't change. She admires your strength to change and that's why she's angry about it. 

Good luck with the gigs and congrats on 90 days without porn. I'm 2 lol

Thanks for the validation, bud. I think you're right. One of the reasons she behaved like that, she admitted, was that she was jealous, in a way. As a trained psychologist, she's used to being the person in relationships with the most control over her emotions and by extension her life. It doesn't help that I'm the first boyfriend she's had who has his shit together. The last couple of them are .. Uhm. Well. Messy, let's say. There's loads of issues with them, holy shit. I have a messy background but in comparison to them, I'm squeeky clean. So ironically, I was doing everything right, but it frustrated her because she's used to being that person. It made it painfully clear to her how long a road she's to walk. She is indeed a bit spoiled and was protected by her parents and is now coming to terms with that slowly. She doesn't have as much money as she used to, she's not used to having to deal with all of life's daily issues because mommy and daddy did all the work for her. I've been doing that for 10 years now and it shows. She can feel me being way ahead of her and it's making her angry because this reveals that the image she had of herself wasn't real. I understand that something like that can be a shock. It's something that kind of shakes the foundations of how you perceive yourself. I know that I've had a couple of those earthquakes and it took me a few days to recover.

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Day 1. "Busy."

It seems the storm has come and gone. We talked it over and decided to continue the process of moving in together. We patched things up again. Thank heavens.

I got a call from my acting job. I put my name in the hat to become the new production leader. This'd mean more hours of work, better pay and less acting but more troubleshooting and dealing with tough situations. I got the job! I start this Friday. So that's 50 hours a month! They even told me they're looking for a director for their new production on the other side of the country. I'd love to do it, but I'd spend literally each weekend working and I'd be far away from home. Maybe one day, but not today... I have to many projects I'm working on. I want to make the radio show, continue teaching, learn to be a coach, ... Tough call to make, I'd love to be a director and I'm soooo flattered they thought of me and mentioned the opening before it's officially listed. But the distance is too much of a factor. And I don't want to risk my social life and my relationship. 

I got my teeth done. 2 tiny holes and one bigger one. Took about 40 minutes. Half my mouth is numb. So fucking weird. I should totally get myself a dental plan because having teeth is expensive. I can't eat until the sedation is gone. UGH. So hungry.

Got another gig tomorrow night. Money! ❤️ It's been a while since I've done a gig that big so it'll take some work and time. I feel like things are finally starting to turn around. I feel so busy! It's not going to be long before I'll actually need to look at my schedule to see if I can make an appointment, or start organising my home office XD I feel like such an adult!

Kicking porn, videogames and not using any screens after 10 pm is going to be hard. Last night I kind of did it but I had a hard time falling asleep. Waking up was also a bit harder than I thought. Going to bed and falling asleep normally is still a bit new. I'm jealous of my GF. She lays down for 5 minutes and she's gone.

 

Recent highlight: The improv gig last night was amazing. I had just heard the news about becoming production leader and I was on cloud nine. I was on fire all night long!

Budget status: The physical therapist found the right documents, I'll be handing them off personally this time to the office that handles my sick pay. I'll be getting about 300-350 bucks and that saves my ass for this month! Yay! Made it! Next month I'll start working so one more month of rent to try and make and then we're on our way out of poverty!

My one goal for the next 24h: I have a fancy dinner with my girl tonight. Dress up nicely and enjoying it is the mission!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - Check

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - In progress

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Day 2. "Scared. And also excited. Scarecited."

Had dinner with my girl last night. But we ended up 45 minutes away from the restaurant we'd made reservations in. She directed me towards the wrong one and I didn't think to doublecheck it. It was a bit stressy to still get there in time, but we made it after all. Oddly enough, I wasn't mad at her. I just laughed at the whole thing. It's so stupidly typical. We got lucky and made it in time and it was delicious and awesome. Sometimes I think I'm settling for her. But she just has a lot on her mind and still has a lot of growing to do. She started out terrified of driving and nowadays she suggests herself to drive me to places. She's got a lot of potential and I should focus less on my fear of commitment and looking at reasons why not to be together and focus more on joy and the happiness and love we share. After all, she is very much in love with all my weird and annoying sides. I'm a lucky dude for that. My job is also very irregular and the hours vary a lot. She's so patient and understanding with all of that.

Tomorrow I'll have my first actual day as a production leader. I have my first meeting around noon. I've never had a meeting before! It's so weird XD I'm both excited and terrified. My favourite combination. I will learn a lot, I feel, I will realize I don't know much of the job yet, but I'm sure I'll try to make the best of it.

I also have a gig tonight. I am the host of an award show that's about new young companies. They hand out prizes for the most promising ones, original concepts, yadda yadda. It's going to be so cool to be among all those interesting people. I get to break out the suit and chat with all those Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags-type people. Escape my squalor a bit. (I'm being dramatic, let me.)

 

Recent highlight: The dinner was out of this world. We've cut through the tension. We're moving in together. We've already made the first few steps.

Budget status: TGetting paid for a few gigs I did a while back. And with today's gig and this weekend's, I'll be a hellofalot safer within 2 weeks! Yay! Light at the end of the tunnel!

My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the gig tonight. Be my splendid, professional, public speaking self. And then enjoy the excitement of my new job tomorrow, my first ever meeting and seeing my friends! Because my improv friends are coming over to participate in the Prison Escape game I work at. COOL!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - Check

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't properly started yet. But dentist explained to me benefits of the preventing of problems instead of curing them, got a brochure for a dental healthcare plan and insurance and I guess I'm waiting for a week where I have a few quiet days in a row to get this started properly. Also, I might be procrastinating this a bit...

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Day 3. "Superhero."

How to begin this? ... Last night I cried so much that it made my girl's nightgown look like a wet t-shirt contest.

Something in me just broke the levees. It was a busy weekend and I guess I just got overwhelmed by a lot of things. The crying took what felt like ages. She kept asking me what what wrong and why I so suddenly burst out in tears so heavily and so randomly, she was wholly surprised. 

It was a combination of things. All my small structures, apps, reminders, alerts, ... It was kind of toppling over. I hadn't had the time to drink enough water, sleep enough, do my Japanese or floss and take care of my teeth. I had relasped again. I spent the night at a hotel because of work and my coworker snored like an ox on coke. I ended up using my earbuds to listen to Netflix. Had a horrible night. So Day 1 became Day 0 really quickly.

Saturday and Sunday were rather busy too and it all ended with a living room full of crumbs, laundry, dishes and general mess. My girl was asleep already and I could feel the panic building up. She mentioned something about not bringing my earbuds to bed and then I felt so caught, so ashamed, I just cracked. Howling like scared kid, I grabbed her and started soaking her clothes with snot and tears. 

We talked about how high a standard I set for myself. I aim to be a superhuman badass. Taking care of himself in all healthy ways, sleep, teeth, sports, food, ... While also putting so much ambition and energy towards a career and also trying to make a lot of money and do cool things. I do indeed put a lot of pressure on myself. And I am able to maintain this by relying on my small little empires of structure and good habit. Daily cleaning of teeth, 11 glasses of water a day, a color-coded schedule, ... It seems like if you take those away from me for 48h, something in me breaks and a strong fear of relapsing takes over. I am so sad that I wasted so many years of my potential playing games. I am so terrified of going through that again. I hold onto my built structures. I have 5 laundry baskets. 1 for stuff I need to iron, one for whites, one for coloreds, one for heavy duty and one for random shit like sports stuff. My girl doesn't really care about putting the right stuff in the right places. It makes me feel like I'm a crazy neurotic OCD-person, but it really bugs me to see her do that. We had a big talk about organizing our new household together. Since she's moving in, it's only natural.

We talked about the pressure I put on myself but also about how I feel a bit superior or arrogant about my standards of living. I want this place to be clean, want to boost my good habits and kill bad ones, want to follow my dreams, and so on... I do achieve crazy cool things! But I'm also stressed enough to have an eye twitch now... It's been here for two weeks now...

I slept like a log. I feel tired and lethargic today. The crying and emotions took a lot out of me. I feel like it was a big moment. And I should learn from it. But honestly? I'm just a little bit too tired at the moment to grapple big emotions right now.

 

Recent highlight: I am so done with watching porn, my brain has gone back to normal. I stumbled across some pics of naked ladies this weekend and after a couple of second my head started hurting. I experimented with it to be fully sure. But it seems my brain just can't handle the rush of chemicals anymore because it's clearly to natural to be exposed to stuff like that on that scale and with such ease. Meaning that it's now no longer used to that and I have fully detoxed from that jazz.

Budget status: Eek. Insurance just sent me a message to pay for stuff. 400 bucks... Yowza. Together with the rent in 3 days, that's my entire savings and all the cash I have... GULP. I'm getting paid for other stuff soon, thank fuck. But this is still cutting it a bit close. I think if I can make it to the end of the year, we're done with it all. My girl moves in on the first of January so that cuts costs like crazy.

My one goal for the next 24h: Relax. And don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Need to reboot.

-Make the bed - Need to reboot

-Drink enough water - Need to reboot

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't properly started yet.

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Day 4. "Stepping into the light again."

So today I have a normal day. I'm getting a pedicure later today with a friend. My ingrown nail has been killing me. I had a colleague (a trained one) remove some of it this weekend. The got about over half an inch of nail out of my foot. WTF! Why did it not start hurting weeks ago? The pedicure lady doesn't have a lot of time and I would have loved to have a mani-pedi with my friends. I love how we're both dudes and don't care about any stigma. Spa-Bros!

I woke up and fell into my habits again. Made the bed, made coffee, did my japanese and started my day. I am not even halfway through my day and already feel rather productive. Lots of stuff is getting handled! Yay! In a few hours, I'll probably start doing my stuff I planned for tomorrow!

The eye twitch is bugging me... I feel like I should become a more relaxed person. I've been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender recently. I love the Chinese and Japanese influences. The bending, martial arts, philosphy... I feel like one of my ambitions should be to become a bit more like Uncle Iroh. Relaxed but capable. At a certain point, I feel like I should focus more on my inner peace. Continue Krav Maga again and start meditating and drinking less coffee and more tea. I might order 1 more batch of my favorite coffee and then end it. I am starting to feel the same way about alcohol. I might quit drinking beer and other similar stuff. But I'd like to keep a special place for fine wines that fit food well or special single malt whiskeys or plum wine or sake... In that respect, maybe I should just quit beer? I don't know... Let's start with Krav Maga, meditating and tea and see where we go from there. For now, I just want to maintain the habits I've already formed and we'll add stuff to it later. My breakdown earlier taught me that I need to be careful.

I had a good conversation with my girl about living together and stress. We've built a schedule and hung it on the front of the fridge. I hope it will guide us a bit more. But we've both already mentioned we should think of ways to improve it. For now, we try to use a moment on Sunday to plan our chores and meals a week ahead. I'm always open to good suggestions!

 

Recent highlight: Last night we were supposed to go have drinks with the neighbours. But because of my breakdown I felt vulnerable and brittle. My girl had to cancel because of her volunteering work and had forgotten to do so. So I tried to be polite and go anyway. But I stopped myself. I was reminded of how important it is to be true to yourself and so I mustered up the courage to cancel. We had already cancelled a bunch of times so there was so social pressure involved. The neighbours were sooo relieved! They felt the same way! They were coming to be polite but were weary and tired too! They were so relieved that I was being so fortcoming. I was proud of myself for daring to be so authentic.

Budget status: Well, I'm getting through the week, but it'll be a véry tight fit. I'm getting paid properly in about 2 weeks. So I make rent this month and pay my insurance. But I'll be 100% broke, it seems. Like, no savings and no money whatsoever. I think November is going to be the final part of the valley of poordom. From December on, we'll start improving, I think. But I'l still a bit anxious.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a lovely and relaxed afternoon doing chores and other random stuff. I feel like I have ages of time for now. And enjoy myself at improv later tonight.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Had time today and did it.

-Make the bed - Almost seem to do it automatically. Feels good!

-Drink enough water - Today seems to be going well. If I'm at home or have a normal day, water seems to be no issue at all.

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't properly started yet.

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Day 5. "Habits."

Last night, had a good improv training. Then when I came home, the girlfriend had cleaned and helped out with all of the moving stuff. We stayed up late making sure everything was organised in a way we both like. There are still some bugs in our system. Like she's very wasteful with food and that drives me crazy. Not just because of the moral issues and the difference in lifestyles (she's used to living more opulently), but also because of the waste of money. I can't fathom how she can just throw food away frivolously when she complains every other day that money is tight. I guess she still has a lot to learn. So do I.

It did feel like a good, productive day though. I spent a lot of time working on the script of the radio show. Taping the pilot is next week. I'll mail the script to the actors today and set everything up. So exciting. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of work! And for now it's all unpaid. But I really love writing and it's so cool to see it come alive. I'm so happy that taking initiative and just going up to the radio station and asking for a shot has gotten me this far. This is all my own creation, looking for the right people to help me, no budget, ... And yet everybody is enthousiastic and happy to help. I really hope the pilot will sound great after post-production. I'm hoping to sit with the editor to learn about how it all works. That way we can split the load if we get permission to make 8 more episodes. Combined with my promotion to production leader and what I'll be doing later today, I feel very happy and proud. Sowing my seeds and nurturing them is slowly yielding results.

Which brings us to later today. I have an interview with a coaching company. They use freelancers to guide people, companies and students through issues. I told them about my skills and they felt I'd be a great match. It'd save me a shitload of money since they offer an internal education to coaching and practical experience. On top of which, they'd like me to focus on students because that's their main market. It's not what I really want, but it's a good step forwards since I'm coming from nothing at all. And in the long run, it's a great idea to be able to diversify my skillset. If I can coach students AND be well-versed in how to pitch, present and speak in public, suddenly there's a whole new market of educators, post-docs, reseachers and academics that I could coach. I'm very enthousiastic. 

It's also very ironic. I always felt that people who help others like therapists, coaches, psychiatrists and such, ... have an enourmous responsability to be sane people themselves. Because how could you help somebody else heal if you are broken yourself? I still fight some demons on a daily basis. So it feels a bit pretentious in a way to put myself in a position where I teach others how to deal with issues, because I'm still dealing with that same shit myself. On the other hand it gives a lot of practical experience... In any case, I really want the gig and the 'free' degree that comes along with it so I'm totally aiming for the stars here.

 

Recent highlight: Last night I did a very funny and silly voice, portraying an old sage-like man. I don't know why but I really enjoyed it. Also getting my script up to 75% done in 1 day was pretty boss.

Budget status: I'm playing with fire here, I should check my shit daily but have been neglecting my budget. Called up the insurance agency and talked about transferring ownership of my car to my girl. I have accidents in my file, she'd have a clean sheet so the price would be diminished by a factor of, what the fuck, 6! But alas... She's a brand new driver with 0 experience. So it's faster to just wait for my accidents on file to dissapear. They no longer matter if they were 5 years ago, so after a while, you get a clean sheet again... Ugh. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Let go of all stress tonight. It's the last fancy dinner I've planned with my girl. Also have a productive afternoon and a great interview at the coaching firm.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - It seems that if I have time in the morning to wake up properly and according to my own rythm, I do it automatically.

-Make the bed - Almost seem to do it automatically. Feels good! Starting to link this habit to brushing my teeth.

-Drink enough water - If I'm at home or have a normal day, water seems to be no issue at all. I get thirsty and try to use the app to keep it all up. For now, no issues but it's not automatic yet.

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - The brushing in the morning and the evening are starting to become a thing. It still takes a bit of discipline though. I should try and be more mindful and do this because I want to, because of who I am and what values this act represents and less so because of discipline.

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