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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Day 208

No VG - 208 days, no sports news - 23 days, NF - 5 days left, SOB - 5 days left

Keeping this real quick.

Work busy.

Physical therapy good.

Improv skipped. Had a bunch of errands to run at home and low on sleep. 

Going to bed now, at a normal hour finally!

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Day 209

No VG - 209 days, no sports news - 24 days, NF - 4 days left, SOB - 4 days left

Work busy.

Made it to gym. 

Procrastinated on internet a bit afterwards. 

Going to bed now so I'm not completely wiped for tomorrow.

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Day 210

No VG - 210 days, no sports news - 25 days, NF - 7 days left, SOB - 3 days left

Starting off today, had a moment of weakness so to speak. Even though I did not stay in my bed, I pretty much went on the phone right away before taking care of any hygiene. It was almost equivalent to staying in bed. I'll be more mindful of this for the future, though definitely getting out of bed after the first alarm really helps a great deal.

Work was busy. I don't feel like an engineer, I feel like a project manager. I don't mind project management per se, but I don't want this to be my career necessarily. Nevertheless, the big project I'm co-running is reaching crunchtime, so I spent most of my day expediting and directing resources. I thought it went reasonably well. Monday is another key milestone, and I think we are well positioned.

I left work late, and my home is a complete mess, so I chose not to go out tonight. I really haven't been home much this week. Instead, I went to the gym so I did something I could be proud of, and I'm going to bed right after this post. I'll get up early, clean, and take care of a ton of errands for Thanksgiving and I'll go out Saturday night for a bit...hopefully. I just need to make sure I keep taking good care of myself with everything that's going on. 

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Day 213

No VG - 213 days, journaling - 7 days left, no sports news - 28 days/4 weeks!, NF -  14/16 days left, SOB - 0 days left /14 days in!, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 14 days left

Howdy. Was comatose on Saturday and busy on Sunday. I had another moment of weakness on Saturday, though I still went to the gym, cleaned my house up pretty well, and prepped for a Friendsgiving for Sunday. I procrastinated on Saturday, so ultimately my cooking took place when I should've been going out. I procrastinated because of the porn and general internet usage. I've gotten a little bit lax with some Internet habits recently.

The Friendsgiving/improv practice went really well. It was nice since we were doing something besides improv for a change. I didn't have to be someone else--I could just be myself. I had a moment where I really felt close with everyone, which was nice since I haven't felt like that in a while. 

Work was kind of crappy today. I realize this job will not be tenable long-term and I don't think this is what will bring me validation, joy, or a steadfast sense of purpose. Everyone is just kind of miserable right now with the current situation. 

Had therapy as well. Touched on a range of subjects, including work. I also think part of the reason I hate my job right now is that I don't feel as competent as I should be and that the workload is nuts.  Regardless of the other reasons why I'm dissatisfied with my work, I am going to start reviewing my performance and issues surrounding it a bit more wholeheartedly. 

As my promise to him, I said I'd not jerk off for the next two weeks and hold myself to it this time (I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!) and that I'd not view any news before 5 PM, which would be a good boundary to have. Thinking about this now though, I'm going to at a 9 PM end time as well so I can actually GO TO BED ON TIME. I didn't have my potential habits list that I wrote up last week. I'll make sure to have that next time.

 

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11 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 213

No VG - 213 days, journaling - 7 days left, no sports news - 28 days/4 weeks!, NF -  14/16 days left, SOB - 0 days left /14 days in!, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 14 days left

Howdy. Was comatose on Saturday and busy on Sunday. I had another moment of weakness on Saturday, though I still went to the gym, cleaned my house up pretty well, and prepped for a Friendsgiving for Sunday. I procrastinated on Saturday, so ultimately my cooking took place when I should've been going out. I procrastinated because of the porn and general internet usage. I've gotten a little bit lax with some Internet habits recently.

The Friendsgiving/improv practice went really well. It was nice since we were doing something besides improv for a change. I didn't have to be someone else--I could just be myself. I had a moment where I really felt close with everyone, which was nice since I haven't felt like that in a while. 

Work was kind of crappy today. I realize this job will not be tenable long-term and I don't think this is what will bring me validation, joy, or a steadfast sense of purpose. Everyone is just kind of miserable right now with the current situation. 

Had therapy as well. Touched on a range of subjects, including work. I also think part of the reason I hate my job right now is that I don't feel as competent as I should be and that the workload is nuts.  Regardless of the other reasons why I'm dissatisfied with my work, I am going to start reviewing my performance and issues surrounding it a bit more wholeheartedly. 

As my promise to him, I said I'd not jerk off for the next two weeks and hold myself to it this time (I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!) and that I'd not view any news before 5 PM, which would be a good boundary to have. Thinking about this now though, I'm going to at a 9 PM end time as well so I can actually GO TO BED ON TIME. I didn't have my potential habits list that I wrote up last week. I'll make sure to have that next time.

 

Stay strong, go for the next two weeks of no porn/jerking off it is just a matter of time till it works (something where I have a real problem as well) and congrats for the 4 weeks of no sport news thats one of my guilty pleasures  even though I also regulated it heavily but I am not sure I could go without it^^

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Thanks @Undsoweiter! Yeah, every time I fail I learn something, and if I'm smart about things I can put something in place which will prevent me from making the same mistake.  I've done up to four months in the past and that was definitely worthwhile. I didn't keep with it though since I lacked the discipline and that I was also far worse with my internet usage back then.  The lack of sports really is diffcult, I agree! For much of my life though, I was using it as a crutch for boredom and fitting in. Eventually, it became a bit of a time sink, and now I'm at a point in my life where I would like to invest that time in me instead. As long as I remember that, it's easy.

Day 214 

No VG - 214 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 29 days, NF -  13/16 days left, SOB - 15 days, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 13 days left

So far I've been good on all my habits today. I felt some desire throughout the day to check the news while at work, but I did not give in. I was a little bit more focused as a result. 

I'm kind of tired today since I got to work early, and it makes me want to stay on the internet a lot more. I think when I'm done with this post, it's going to be no more screens, music, or podcasts for the rest of the night. I need a break from it. 

I'm a little stressed with work but I shouldn't be. I'm letting too much outside of my control get to me. I'll course correct. 

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Day 215

No VG - 215 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 30 days (boom), NF - 12/16 days left, SOB - 16 days, NNO59 - 12 days left

Today was quite busy. Got up early to clean. At work a long time. Decided to clean up more when I got home instead of going to gym to get sleep and prepare for my parents showing up tomorrow. 

No news outside of my window was hard to manage today. I felt the urge many times, but I didn't cave. Going to bed now so I can get up early, hit the gym (if possible), and finish cleaning.

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Day 216

No VG - 216 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 31 days, NF - 11/16 days left, SOB - 17 days, NNO59 - 11 days left

Today's been weird. Got called in to work at 2:30 AM...didn't get out until noon. Big work problems, but I think myself and two other engineers handled it very well. My parents were waiting at my apartment/McDonalds for nearly three hours (though they really shouldn't have left so early). They understood though so that's good. However, it was a little awkward because I never got to finish cleaning my apartment...my bad. They've left to go to check in at their hotel, so I have a little time to post. 

Also, now that they're gone I have a strong urge to check news and do dumb stuff on the internet. I'm a little disinhibted right now so definitely feeling it a bit more. I'm gonna listen to a podcast for a bit to keep me awake. There's a turkey in the oven and I'd rather not fall asleep and burn my house down. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Day 217

No VG - 217 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 32 days, NF - 10/16 days left, SOB - 18 days, NNO59 - 10 days left.

Another day with a work wakeup call, this time just before my 8:30 AM alarm. 5 more hours at work. I think the calls are over for the time being now.

It was nice having my parents over yesterday and today, the whole work issues kind of messed up our plans so we haven't done all too much, but it's nice just to spend time with them and be a family. I was actually very grateful because they cleaned up my house twice essentially. I had planned on getting up early each morning to finish some odds and ends  but got called in each time.  It's also nice coming home to have someone there. It's made the past few days much more enjoyable. 

In other news almost caved on NoFap today. Almost caved on news today. Got past it. I'm going to bed early again today (geez, I really am trying to jinx myself) and I'll get up and clean up a bit before my parents get here. 

Stay strong.

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Day 218

No VG - 218 days, journaling - 2 days left, no sports news - 33 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 19 days, NNO59 - 9 days left.

I DIDN'T GO TO WORK TODAY! FINALLY!

Family stopped by for breakfast before leaving. It was sad to see them go. It was a nice time--we didn't fight at all. 

After they left, I caved on NoFap again. I am not happy about that. My mistake was not getting out of the house sooner once my parents left. Tomorrow, I'll practice spending more time outside of the house. 

Despite the relapse, I didn't let it ruin my day. I got a killer leg workout in at the gym, and took a bit of a post-workout nap after. I usually need a bit of a nap after leg day if I go early. It was great to feel the pump in my legs when I was lying down. I also started throwing out some old childhood items my parents brought me to either keep or throw out. There were quite a few PC games in there. I wondered how fun it would be to install one of those old games...HEY WAIT A SEC I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE. CRAP! Kinda bittersweet, really.

I should go out tonight, but I'm procrastinating. I'm judging myself. I just need to get out.

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Day 219

No VG - 219 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 34 days, NF -- reset..., SOB - reset, NNO59 - 8 days left

I did not go out last night. I was going to go salsa dancing, but I was making up all of these excuses about how being late would ruin my night, as there are two classes that start before the club opens up. In reality, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, an implicit one in that if I go out, I won't have fun and I'll feel worse after compounding on my self image. If I flip this and recognize that assuming I'll go out and have fun, there will be nights where I can do that and get over my fears. I'll try and find some salsa dancing during the middle of the week if possible. I think this will be my third and last hobby (improv, bodybuilding, salsa). 

However, I did go to bed at a reasonable hour. I woke up before my alarm, and decided to read a little bit on my book on self-esteem and try to make sense of what happened last night. This was a bit of a problem though as I stayed in bed while reading as it led to another NoFap reset. Next time I wake up that early before my alarm again, I'm just going to go upstairs and have breakfast before going to the gym. I can read when I get home. 

I didn't let that stop me though. I did get out of my house earlier today. I'm going to do some dishes real quick after this, go clothes shopping, and then I have improv practice and a show later today. It's going to be late by the time I get home so I'm posting early. 

Oh! And even after a month of serious bodybuilding and physical therapy I'm starting to notice a few positive changes. That made me feel good this morning. My strength is going up as well, and I think that with some of the rest from therapy/gym this week my muscles were able to recover and my lower back felt the best it has been in a year. Yesterday's leg workout ruined that though since everything is stiff again, but I'm happy that now I know strengthening my legs and lower back should be my number one priority. 

Ups and downs this weekend. At least it won't be all for naught. 

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Day 220

No VG - 220 days, journaling - 0 days left (reupping for another seven), no sports news - 35 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 1 day, NNO59 - 7 days left.

Yesterday was busy. Got to the gym, ran errands, had improv practice and a show, and my team went out for a bit after. I'm feeling it a bit today.

Improv practice was very bad. I reverted to some bad habits. However, that was good to get out of my system as I was able to correct my mistakes when we performed. Our team did very well in our performance. We legitimately killed--even the event organizer said so, which was very gratifying and validating. 

I think tomorrow is my one year work anniversary. I have to say, this job is definitely better then where I was at before, but still, it really, really, really is frustrating. My anxiety is starting to spike hard. I have way too much on my plate and the only way I feel like I don't want to harm myself is by not caring, even though I do care a lot. I've started screaming in the car a little too, which is a warning sign I've had in the past that things are starting to go down south. I am on a clock of a year or less at my current workplace, after which I plan on leaving. I want to spend a year of performing my job seeing the comparison with how I was before and how I am now. It will also be nice to have that second year of critical experience on my resume. 

Maybe the only thing keeping me going is that the work is important and helps a lot of people. Even then, it's not my main purpose in life right now, even if I struggle to define what that purpose really is. It definitely doesn't feel like a main purpose. It feels like a means to an end. If this is all of what work is going to be like, then I might just be best off making as much money as I can, and getting out of the rat race as quickly as possible. 

The closest I ever felt to having a true main purpose is when I did research, but even then, I was so happy when it ended since I was so poor and lonely during that time. Now I am in control of myself financially, which feels very gratifying, but I could not see myself sacrificing more of my time to this since I feel ineffective and that what I'm doing is rapidly turning into a waste of time and paper pushing. 

At this point, I think the best course of action is to take a year of concrete problem solving to try and fix my job and my performance to the best of my ability. If it works out, then great and I don't have to worry about moving as much (and I would have likely made things better for many others as well). If I can't and I did put in a good effort, then I know this isn't the right choice for me. And as far as my performance is concerned, I've gotten good feedback even though I don't feel the same about myself. I just see all the misses and mistakes and opportunities dropped. I'm hoping this changes a bit during this next year. 

That was a lot about work. My chest is pounding right now, but I think I feel a little better.

In other (lack of) news, the news window thing is working well. I keep finding myself wanting to cheat during work but I can't. It keeps me more present which is nice. The anxiety from this is dropping as well, though it was not quite as high as I thought it would've been. 

Anyway, I'm super tired, so I'm going to bed. Peace.

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Day 221

No VG - 221 days, journaling - 6 days left , no sports news - 36 days, NF - 1 day (woo!), SOB - 2 day, NNO59 - 8 days left.

Work was kind of brutal today. Too much going on. It's stressful, and my emotions are swinging like crazy as a result. I had to take a moment in the middle of my day to just collect myself, and I was very grateful when a co-worker stopped over to just chat and joke. It put me in a much better frame of mind, and I was able to get back to work after with a clearer mind. The gym today was quite helpful too. 

I think I need to start going to weekly therapy through January. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, emotionally speaking. I cannot afford to lose my shit now. I need to stay focused on solving problems. That's literally what I'm paid to do. It's good I have so many so they can't fire me. I need to shoulder this burden as best I can at least for the next year.

Going to bed now. Peace.

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Day 222

No VG - 222 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 37 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 3 days, NNO59 - 7 days left

Very stressed out at work today, but I'm handling it better than I would've if I was where I was earlier this year. I just feel sick and crappy, not spiraling down into ideation territory like I was over the summer. I had to leave work midday to go to the doctor's, and when I got back, I just sat in my car for a bit and meditated. I was so freaking tense.  

I still don't know entirely what the root cause of all this work stress is though. I have an idea of what it is, but I feel like what I've written and thought about it isn't the full root of the stress. Maybe it's a combination of the absurd workload, the fact that I care, and that I'm a low-esteem perfectionist that puts me in such a state. If this is true, I can find a new job, stop caring, or build up my self esteem. The first seems eventual, the second seems impractical, and the last is the only definite which I should/am trying to do. 

I spent two hours after hours at work today trying to problem solve my job and work on my organizational skills. I created a  skeleton project file structure and a project charter template that will help me evaluate new projects and hurdles that will need to be overcome at the outset. I sometimes rush headlong into something or miss seeing certain hurdles, which hinders my effectiveness as a project manager/engineer. This is a step in the right direction. 

In other news, I maintained all of my habits today, which is great. One of my next habits next week will be no Internet (except podcasts or music on my phone) after 10. That will help me keep a more steady sleep cycle which will improve my performance and keep me more emotionally stable.

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I'd say that you give too much of a damn about your job, without getting any real benefit out of it. I currently work about a dozen of hours per week and it still makes me feel important, validated (both socially and knowledge-based) and even successful. It's my opinion, but I think your job safely got into the #1 spot of your life, influencing everything else, and if you aren't enthusiastic about that, then your relationship towards it likely needs a change.

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@Ikar, interesting take. It's definitely #1 right now since there's not a close number #2 to hang my self-esteem on. Things are getting better with respect to that--socially, hobbies, health?--and really that's been taking place slowly over the past seven months. And to say there are no benefits wouldn't be true. My current job, though stressful, got me off of night shift; pays me a healthy salary and benefits which goes directly to my future and funding things like improv, going to the gym, improving my wardrobe, etc.; lets me use my skills to advance the state of the art in medicine; and provides me the chance to be more responsible and solve problems. I think it would be fair to say I have too much of my self-esteem and identity wrapped up in this right now. The peak of this was over the summer, and I think overall it's been trending downward, but this is the shitty time of year for all engineers where I work, so I'm in the thick of it right now. Hopefully, by February, things will be better. I also need to give it a fair shake of getting myself in order first, which I don't think I am.

That said, I am entertaining other opportunities 🙂

Day 223

No VG - 223 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 38 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 4 days, NNO59 -6 days left

Work busy. Blah blah blah. I think I'm doing a slightly better job managing my big project right now.

Kept all my habits today. Got to the gym. Had to be careful with a neck tweak, but I was able to do 80% of my workout, and the other bit I just modified and did other stuff. I did sit in the parking lot reading news before I went in since I knew I was not getting out until after 9. I was literally searching for ANYTHING. In reality, I scan two sites for headlines, and then there's some itch that I can't finish scratching. To be honest, I don't think I really give much of  a damn about the news, but I need it to feel even-keeled. 

Super tired and have to get to work early tomorrow. Going to bed a little late. Oops.

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When I wrote "no real benefits", I meant the additional job worries that seem to pervade into your free time. I didn't mean it in the way that you should quit it and live off of welfare or get a shittier job. Good thing you are improving and that you are aware!

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Gotcha @Ikar. My neuroticism is a blessing and a curse, haha. 

Day 224

No VG - 224 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 39 days, NF - 4 days, SOB - 5 days, NNO59 -5 days left

Kept all my habits today and made it to the gym despite being completely sleep deprived and gassed. 

I just need sleep tonight. I abused myself good this week.

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Day 225

No VG - 225 days, journaling - 2 days left, no sports news - 40 days, NF - 5 days, SOB - 6 days, NNO - 4 days left

Got to the gym today. Cleaned up around the house. Took a nap as my body feels like garbage, especially my lower back. Did a lot of research into postural correction since my shoulders, back, and hips are out of whack.

I have an improv show tonight as well. So that should be fun.

Side note, the gym is becoming my mental refuge.

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Day 226 

No VG - 226 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 41 days, NF - 6 days, SOB - 7 days, NNO59 - 1 days left (miscounted lol)

Show last night went pretty well. We are really gelling as a team and we are definitely progressing as performers.

Woke up and did some more research on my back. It feels freaking terrible right now. Yesterday's mobility workout made everything way worse in addition to the leg workout last week. In a way that's good though since my back felt pretty good around Thanksgiving, it means that likely its a muscular issue. I just need to start experimenting more to figure out what's going on. I'm thinking it might be my quads, causing excessive anterior pelvic tilt (confirmed), which caused my hamstrings to tighten (confirmed), which in addition to my weak glutes and hamstrings (at least relative to quads, confirmed), is causing my back to rotate and compress one of the discs that I have which is a little narrower. I think for now, I'm going to limit lifting that targets the quads and just focus on stretching for two weeks and see what happens. I'll continue to strengthen calves, glutes, and hamstrings in the meanwhile. 

Did upper body at the gym today, so no real discomfort or concerns. I'm getting bigger, which is nice.

Improv practice was okay. Afterwards, we had a business meeting of sorts with a promoter who wants to start a comedy show with improv in it. I have mixed feelings about everything, but it's a good opportunity. I think I'm beginning to consider comedy more seriously as a hobby as a result of this.

At the present moment, I'm stressed since I have to be at work at 5:30 tomorrow morning, and I have to manage a contractor and another major project at the same time. I really hate all the stress. It makes me feel ill. I'm going to just have an honest talk with my boss on Tuesday. I'm really not in good shape right now, but there's not much I can do to change the present situation overnight. I just need to keep making little changes and trust the process that I can do this. I'll figure it out eventually. 

Also, new habit tomorrow! I'm excited!

 

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@Alexanderle. Yeah, when I restarted about a month ago, I did two every two weeks, and recently I've just been adding one every two weeks since I've been struggling with NoFap. Every two weeks because that's how often I see my therapist, and I use the habit as a promise to him, that I will keep it over the next two weeks. Overall, this has worked out well. It's slow going at the start, but over time the benefits start to compound. I find it easier this way too as too many changes all at once can be a lot to adapt to, and it is easier for me to focus on the problems that arise in my life by taking on that new habit. Otherwise it's hard to pinpoint which problem applies to which habit which requires a given solution. And thanks about the back, I'm working through it. I'll figure it out.

Day 227 

No VG - 227 days, journaling - let's go for another 7 days, no sports news - 42 days, NF - 7 days!!!, SOB - 8 days, NNO59 - 14 days!!!, No Internet after 1030 - 14 days

Geez I'm beat. Was at work for nearly twelve hours today and I had therapy afterwards. And I had to cook dinner. And I need to do dishes. Bleh.

Main topic at therapy today was how I look towards others for my self-worth and self-esteem rather than...well...myself. Thinking about it some more, I don't think that finding validation in external things is necessarily bad. It's feedback of sorts and it's important. I think it's a problem when too much identity and self-esteem is rooted in other interactions with people. There's a spectrum between being reliant on others to feel good, to being a grounded and integrated person, to not caring so much about others that one becomes anti-social. In my case, I think I'm going to attack this from both ends (doing things that provides validation, and becoming more comfortable with myself) and hope at least one of the two works. 

New habit is going to be no internet after 1030 (originally said 10 to my therapist, and then I panicked after I walked out, haha.) The exceptions to this will be work, and music/podcasts from my phone. That's it. This will help continue to get me to bed earlier, which will get me more sleep, which will make me more stable, which will make me more able to handle life's problems, which will raise my self-esteem. I've done much better this year with respect to this anyway. When I got back to Game Quitters, I was probably staying up to 2 on a work night at least once every week to two weeks. During this past streak, I've very seldom done so, maybe once every few months. Right now my bed time is more around 1130-12, rather than 1030 like it should be. I'm shorting myself a few hours every day which leaves me functional during the week, but really tired come Friday. 

Finally, my back is in a lot of pain now. I'm going to do some more research, stretch, and then go to bed. Forget dishes.

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Day 228

No VG - 228 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 43 days, NF - 8 days, SOB - 9 days, NNO59 - 15 days, No Internet after 1030 - 13 days left

Today I learned being the best engineer isn't worth shit.

I have a lot of emotions right now. Today was supremely tumultuous. 11 AM I get an email that we had a stock out for a part that was my responsibility. On my plate for a few months, but had to backburner somewhat. I could've managed it better. Ironically, I had reached out to a new vendor to supply this part last week, but due to company policies, this is a slow process to bring in a new vendor. I scramble, cursing myself the whole way. I get supremely lucky. The part is in stock. I get even luckier. The original info I got was that we were one or two parts short. We scavenged from another piece of equipment--we had exactly what we needed. The part itself is small and almost insignificant. My actions for that small and usually insignificant part nearly caused a catastrophic failure which would've impacted thousands of lives. At this point, I'm really hopped up, so I go to my car, meditate for a little bit, and for the first time since starting this job, search for a new position in earnest.

Skip forward to 3 PM. One-on-one with my boss. Basically a yearly performance review. His thoughts--within a year, I was already his best performing engineer. I felt several things, generally and in this order, over the span of about 30 seconds: shock, disbelief, severe disbelief, accomplishment, anger, tiredness, emptiness. The emptiness is probably the most important one. I was really touched by his words, but at the same time, I felt like shit. I told him so, "Wow, I feel like the worst engineer...I actually feel like shit right now." I was in shock because I work with some bright people who are way more organized than I am. I was in disbelief because I thought there were at least a few engineers ahead of me. I was in severe disbelief since I had a goal to be in the top 25% of my group within two years. I felt a brief feeling of accomplishment for obvious reasons. I felt anger because the accomplishment didn't feel that good, and all the pain I suffered didn't feel worth it (notwithstanding purpose and the benefits for other's to doing this work, and not withstanding whether my primary motivations are for me or for others, and which is the appropriate order for me). Tiredness because everything has been a complete battle, not just at work but really in life this year. Emptiness because I realize I can't continue like this, and for the effort I put in, the corresponding results seem multiples below what it could, or should?, be. The meeting ends on this note.

Immediately after, I had another meeting. I don't know if I can say anything about this meeting. All I can say is it stressed me the hell out and I'm scared now. The meeting wasn't disciplinary at all, if anyone's wondering. That's really all I can say God forbid my company reads this.

I spent the past year worried I'd get fired. Worried I'd fail again. Worried I couldn't be the thing I studied four years and spent tons of my parent's money on. Now I'm on top, and then what? If I'm lucky, I get a nice bonus or a half percent more on a raise next year? Fuck it. The societal good/benefit:stress/effort ratio is way off. If I'm gonna destroy myself, I better save a lot of people for it. 

There has got to be a better way. There has got to be a way where I can do a similar line of work, feeling energized to go to work, not feeling like I'm constantly going to fail or failing, where I can feel effective in my job, that creates significant benefit for many people. And even for the present moment, there has GOT to be a better way of making this job work, and there has GOT to be a better way to tailor my attitude to my employment. 

I needed to get that off my chest. For the time being, I'm going to keep continuing forward with my newly hatched plan. Fix my current job and figure out how I can get out of this mess and really start having that outsize impact without all of this fucking stress.

Ya know, I said at the beginning of this year, I wanted to take on more responsibility (thanks Jordan). I knew it was going to be a battle, and I knew there were going to be some growing pains trying to become more man than man-child. Geez, I didn't think it was going to be this hard. What's up, real world?

 

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On 12/14/2015 at 5:58 PM, Cam Adair said:

Hey! Awesome to see your journal up here. Have you read The Power of Habit by Charlie Duhigg? That would be a good one to start with. The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson is also good.

I love books to help keep my perspective and attitude focused.

Thanks for the book recs! Your site is awesome, looking forward to checking out respawn.

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Hey, 

Congrats on being the #1 engineer. Sorry it sounds so stressful. I find work is pretty damn stressful haha. That just seems to be the nature of it. But, find a way to destress and take good care of yourself as much as possible. Eat healthy, sleep early, meditate and pray daily. Etc ❤️. Maybe there's a way you can do your job that makes it less stressful while still performing well. Or maybe there's a different job that you're qualified for like you said. I like staying at places. I like to find a groove and just sit in it, haha. Kind of like Homer Simpson and his couch. But the couch is various areas of my life and I'm not a fat couch potato. Okay I do like the couch though. That's pretty epic you've been off gaming so long. I encourage you to be gentle and take care of yourself some my friend. 

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