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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Day 208

No VG - 208 days, no sports news - 23 days, NF - 5 days left, SOB - 5 days left

Keeping this real quick.

Work busy.

Physical therapy good.

Improv skipped. Had a bunch of errands to run at home and low on sleep. 

Going to bed now, at a normal hour finally!

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Day 209

No VG - 209 days, no sports news - 24 days, NF - 4 days left, SOB - 4 days left

Work busy.

Made it to gym. 

Procrastinated on internet a bit afterwards. 

Going to bed now so I'm not completely wiped for tomorrow.

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Day 210

No VG - 210 days, no sports news - 25 days, NF - 7 days left, SOB - 3 days left

Starting off today, had a moment of weakness so to speak. Even though I did not stay in my bed, I pretty much went on the phone right away before taking care of any hygiene. It was almost equivalent to staying in bed. I'll be more mindful of this for the future, though definitely getting out of bed after the first alarm really helps a great deal.

Work was busy. I don't feel like an engineer, I feel like a project manager. I don't mind project management per se, but I don't want this to be my career necessarily. Nevertheless, the big project I'm co-running is reaching crunchtime, so I spent most of my day expediting and directing resources. I thought it went reasonably well. Monday is another key milestone, and I think we are well positioned.

I left work late, and my home is a complete mess, so I chose not to go out tonight. I really haven't been home much this week. Instead, I went to the gym so I did something I could be proud of, and I'm going to bed right after this post. I'll get up early, clean, and take care of a ton of errands for Thanksgiving and I'll go out Saturday night for a bit...hopefully. I just need to make sure I keep taking good care of myself with everything that's going on. 

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Day 213

No VG - 213 days, journaling - 7 days left, no sports news - 28 days/4 weeks!, NF -  14/16 days left, SOB - 0 days left /14 days in!, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 14 days left

Howdy. Was comatose on Saturday and busy on Sunday. I had another moment of weakness on Saturday, though I still went to the gym, cleaned my house up pretty well, and prepped for a Friendsgiving for Sunday. I procrastinated on Saturday, so ultimately my cooking took place when I should've been going out. I procrastinated because of the porn and general internet usage. I've gotten a little bit lax with some Internet habits recently.

The Friendsgiving/improv practice went really well. It was nice since we were doing something besides improv for a change. I didn't have to be someone else--I could just be myself. I had a moment where I really felt close with everyone, which was nice since I haven't felt like that in a while. 

Work was kind of crappy today. I realize this job will not be tenable long-term and I don't think this is what will bring me validation, joy, or a steadfast sense of purpose. Everyone is just kind of miserable right now with the current situation. 

Had therapy as well. Touched on a range of subjects, including work. I also think part of the reason I hate my job right now is that I don't feel as competent as I should be and that the workload is nuts.  Regardless of the other reasons why I'm dissatisfied with my work, I am going to start reviewing my performance and issues surrounding it a bit more wholeheartedly. 

As my promise to him, I said I'd not jerk off for the next two weeks and hold myself to it this time (I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!) and that I'd not view any news before 5 PM, which would be a good boundary to have. Thinking about this now though, I'm going to at a 9 PM end time as well so I can actually GO TO BED ON TIME. I didn't have my potential habits list that I wrote up last week. I'll make sure to have that next time.

 

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11 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 213

No VG - 213 days, journaling - 7 days left, no sports news - 28 days/4 weeks!, NF -  14/16 days left, SOB - 0 days left /14 days in!, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 14 days left

Howdy. Was comatose on Saturday and busy on Sunday. I had another moment of weakness on Saturday, though I still went to the gym, cleaned my house up pretty well, and prepped for a Friendsgiving for Sunday. I procrastinated on Saturday, so ultimately my cooking took place when I should've been going out. I procrastinated because of the porn and general internet usage. I've gotten a little bit lax with some Internet habits recently.

The Friendsgiving/improv practice went really well. It was nice since we were doing something besides improv for a change. I didn't have to be someone else--I could just be myself. I had a moment where I really felt close with everyone, which was nice since I haven't felt like that in a while. 

Work was kind of crappy today. I realize this job will not be tenable long-term and I don't think this is what will bring me validation, joy, or a steadfast sense of purpose. Everyone is just kind of miserable right now with the current situation. 

Had therapy as well. Touched on a range of subjects, including work. I also think part of the reason I hate my job right now is that I don't feel as competent as I should be and that the workload is nuts.  Regardless of the other reasons why I'm dissatisfied with my work, I am going to start reviewing my performance and issues surrounding it a bit more wholeheartedly. 

As my promise to him, I said I'd not jerk off for the next two weeks and hold myself to it this time (I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!) and that I'd not view any news before 5 PM, which would be a good boundary to have. Thinking about this now though, I'm going to at a 9 PM end time as well so I can actually GO TO BED ON TIME. I didn't have my potential habits list that I wrote up last week. I'll make sure to have that next time.

 

Stay strong, go for the next two weeks of no porn/jerking off it is just a matter of time till it works (something where I have a real problem as well) and congrats for the 4 weeks of no sport news thats one of my guilty pleasures  even though I also regulated it heavily but I am not sure I could go without it^^

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Thanks @Undsoweiter! Yeah, every time I fail I learn something, and if I'm smart about things I can put something in place which will prevent me from making the same mistake.  I've done up to four months in the past and that was definitely worthwhile. I didn't keep with it though since I lacked the discipline and that I was also far worse with my internet usage back then.  The lack of sports really is diffcult, I agree! For much of my life though, I was using it as a crutch for boredom and fitting in. Eventually, it became a bit of a time sink, and now I'm at a point in my life where I would like to invest that time in me instead. As long as I remember that, it's easy.

Day 214 

No VG - 214 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 29 days, NF -  13/16 days left, SOB - 15 days, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 13 days left

So far I've been good on all my habits today. I felt some desire throughout the day to check the news while at work, but I did not give in. I was a little bit more focused as a result. 

I'm kind of tired today since I got to work early, and it makes me want to stay on the internet a lot more. I think when I'm done with this post, it's going to be no more screens, music, or podcasts for the rest of the night. I need a break from it. 

I'm a little stressed with work but I shouldn't be. I'm letting too much outside of my control get to me. I'll course correct. 

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Day 215

No VG - 215 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 30 days (boom), NF - 12/16 days left, SOB - 16 days, NNO59 - 12 days left

Today was quite busy. Got up early to clean. At work a long time. Decided to clean up more when I got home instead of going to gym to get sleep and prepare for my parents showing up tomorrow. 

No news outside of my window was hard to manage today. I felt the urge many times, but I didn't cave. Going to bed now so I can get up early, hit the gym (if possible), and finish cleaning.

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Day 216

No VG - 216 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 31 days, NF - 11/16 days left, SOB - 17 days, NNO59 - 11 days left

Today's been weird. Got called in to work at 2:30 AM...didn't get out until noon. Big work problems, but I think myself and two other engineers handled it very well. My parents were waiting at my apartment/McDonalds for nearly three hours (though they really shouldn't have left so early). They understood though so that's good. However, it was a little awkward because I never got to finish cleaning my apartment...my bad. They've left to go to check in at their hotel, so I have a little time to post. 

Also, now that they're gone I have a strong urge to check news and do dumb stuff on the internet. I'm a little disinhibted right now so definitely feeling it a bit more. I'm gonna listen to a podcast for a bit to keep me awake. There's a turkey in the oven and I'd rather not fall asleep and burn my house down. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Day 217

No VG - 217 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 32 days, NF - 10/16 days left, SOB - 18 days, NNO59 - 10 days left.

Another day with a work wakeup call, this time just before my 8:30 AM alarm. 5 more hours at work. I think the calls are over for the time being now.

It was nice having my parents over yesterday and today, the whole work issues kind of messed up our plans so we haven't done all too much, but it's nice just to spend time with them and be a family. I was actually very grateful because they cleaned up my house twice essentially. I had planned on getting up early each morning to finish some odds and ends  but got called in each time.  It's also nice coming home to have someone there. It's made the past few days much more enjoyable. 

In other news almost caved on NoFap today. Almost caved on news today. Got past it. I'm going to bed early again today (geez, I really am trying to jinx myself) and I'll get up and clean up a bit before my parents get here. 

Stay strong.

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Day 218

No VG - 218 days, journaling - 2 days left, no sports news - 33 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 19 days, NNO59 - 9 days left.

I DIDN'T GO TO WORK TODAY! FINALLY!

Family stopped by for breakfast before leaving. It was sad to see them go. It was a nice time--we didn't fight at all. 

After they left, I caved on NoFap again. I am not happy about that. My mistake was not getting out of the house sooner once my parents left. Tomorrow, I'll practice spending more time outside of the house. 

Despite the relapse, I didn't let it ruin my day. I got a killer leg workout in at the gym, and took a bit of a post-workout nap after. I usually need a bit of a nap after leg day if I go early. It was great to feel the pump in my legs when I was lying down. I also started throwing out some old childhood items my parents brought me to either keep or throw out. There were quite a few PC games in there. I wondered how fun it would be to install one of those old games...HEY WAIT A SEC I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE. CRAP! Kinda bittersweet, really.

I should go out tonight, but I'm procrastinating. I'm judging myself. I just need to get out.

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Day 219

No VG - 219 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 34 days, NF -- reset..., SOB - reset, NNO59 - 8 days left

I did not go out last night. I was going to go salsa dancing, but I was making up all of these excuses about how being late would ruin my night, as there are two classes that start before the club opens up. In reality, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, an implicit one in that if I go out, I won't have fun and I'll feel worse after compounding on my self image. If I flip this and recognize that assuming I'll go out and have fun, there will be nights where I can do that and get over my fears. I'll try and find some salsa dancing during the middle of the week if possible. I think this will be my third and last hobby (improv, bodybuilding, salsa). 

However, I did go to bed at a reasonable hour. I woke up before my alarm, and decided to read a little bit on my book on self-esteem and try to make sense of what happened last night. This was a bit of a problem though as I stayed in bed while reading as it led to another NoFap reset. Next time I wake up that early before my alarm again, I'm just going to go upstairs and have breakfast before going to the gym. I can read when I get home. 

I didn't let that stop me though. I did get out of my house earlier today. I'm going to do some dishes real quick after this, go clothes shopping, and then I have improv practice and a show later today. It's going to be late by the time I get home so I'm posting early. 

Oh! And even after a month of serious bodybuilding and physical therapy I'm starting to notice a few positive changes. That made me feel good this morning. My strength is going up as well, and I think that with some of the rest from therapy/gym this week my muscles were able to recover and my lower back felt the best it has been in a year. Yesterday's leg workout ruined that though since everything is stiff again, but I'm happy that now I know strengthening my legs and lower back should be my number one priority. 

Ups and downs this weekend. At least it won't be all for naught. 

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Day 220

No VG - 220 days, journaling - 0 days left (reupping for another seven), no sports news - 35 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 1 day, NNO59 - 7 days left.

Yesterday was busy. Got to the gym, ran errands, had improv practice and a show, and my team went out for a bit after. I'm feeling it a bit today.

Improv practice was very bad. I reverted to some bad habits. However, that was good to get out of my system as I was able to correct my mistakes when we performed. Our team did very well in our performance. We legitimately killed--even the event organizer said so, which was very gratifying and validating. 

I think tomorrow is my one year work anniversary. I have to say, this job is definitely better then where I was at before, but still, it really, really, really is frustrating. My anxiety is starting to spike hard. I have way too much on my plate and the only way I feel like I don't want to harm myself is by not caring, even though I do care a lot. I've started screaming in the car a little too, which is a warning sign I've had in the past that things are starting to go down south. I am on a clock of a year or less at my current workplace, after which I plan on leaving. I want to spend a year of performing my job seeing the comparison with how I was before and how I am now. It will also be nice to have that second year of critical experience on my resume. 

Maybe the only thing keeping me going is that the work is important and helps a lot of people. Even then, it's not my main purpose in life right now, even if I struggle to define what that purpose really is. It definitely doesn't feel like a main purpose. It feels like a means to an end. If this is all of what work is going to be like, then I might just be best off making as much money as I can, and getting out of the rat race as quickly as possible. 

The closest I ever felt to having a true main purpose is when I did research, but even then, I was so happy when it ended since I was so poor and lonely during that time. Now I am in control of myself financially, which feels very gratifying, but I could not see myself sacrificing more of my time to this since I feel ineffective and that what I'm doing is rapidly turning into a waste of time and paper pushing. 

At this point, I think the best course of action is to take a year of concrete problem solving to try and fix my job and my performance to the best of my ability. If it works out, then great and I don't have to worry about moving as much (and I would have likely made things better for many others as well). If I can't and I did put in a good effort, then I know this isn't the right choice for me. And as far as my performance is concerned, I've gotten good feedback even though I don't feel the same about myself. I just see all the misses and mistakes and opportunities dropped. I'm hoping this changes a bit during this next year. 

That was a lot about work. My chest is pounding right now, but I think I feel a little better.

In other (lack of) news, the news window thing is working well. I keep finding myself wanting to cheat during work but I can't. It keeps me more present which is nice. The anxiety from this is dropping as well, though it was not quite as high as I thought it would've been. 

Anyway, I'm super tired, so I'm going to bed. Peace.

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Day 221

No VG - 221 days, journaling - 6 days left , no sports news - 36 days, NF - 1 day (woo!), SOB - 2 day, NNO59 - 8 days left.

Work was kind of brutal today. Too much going on. It's stressful, and my emotions are swinging like crazy as a result. I had to take a moment in the middle of my day to just collect myself, and I was very grateful when a co-worker stopped over to just chat and joke. It put me in a much better frame of mind, and I was able to get back to work after with a clearer mind. The gym today was quite helpful too. 

I think I need to start going to weekly therapy through January. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, emotionally speaking. I cannot afford to lose my shit now. I need to stay focused on solving problems. That's literally what I'm paid to do. It's good I have so many so they can't fire me. I need to shoulder this burden as best I can at least for the next year.

Going to bed now. Peace.

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Day 222

No VG - 222 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 37 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 3 days, NNO59 - 7 days left

Very stressed out at work today, but I'm handling it better than I would've if I was where I was earlier this year. I just feel sick and crappy, not spiraling down into ideation territory like I was over the summer. I had to leave work midday to go to the doctor's, and when I got back, I just sat in my car for a bit and meditated. I was so freaking tense.  

I still don't know entirely what the root cause of all this work stress is though. I have an idea of what it is, but I feel like what I've written and thought about it isn't the full root of the stress. Maybe it's a combination of the absurd workload, the fact that I care, and that I'm a low-esteem perfectionist that puts me in such a state. If this is true, I can find a new job, stop caring, or build up my self esteem. The first seems eventual, the second seems impractical, and the last is the only definite which I should/am trying to do. 

I spent two hours after hours at work today trying to problem solve my job and work on my organizational skills. I created a  skeleton project file structure and a project charter template that will help me evaluate new projects and hurdles that will need to be overcome at the outset. I sometimes rush headlong into something or miss seeing certain hurdles, which hinders my effectiveness as a project manager/engineer. This is a step in the right direction. 

In other news, I maintained all of my habits today, which is great. One of my next habits next week will be no Internet (except podcasts or music on my phone) after 10. That will help me keep a more steady sleep cycle which will improve my performance and keep me more emotionally stable.

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I'd say that you give too much of a damn about your job, without getting any real benefit out of it. I currently work about a dozen of hours per week and it still makes me feel important, validated (both socially and knowledge-based) and even successful. It's my opinion, but I think your job safely got into the #1 spot of your life, influencing everything else, and if you aren't enthusiastic about that, then your relationship towards it likely needs a change.

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@Ikar, interesting take. It's definitely #1 right now since there's not a close number #2 to hang my self-esteem on. Things are getting better with respect to that--socially, hobbies, health?--and really that's been taking place slowly over the past seven months. And to say there are no benefits wouldn't be true. My current job, though stressful, got me off of night shift; pays me a healthy salary and benefits which goes directly to my future and funding things like improv, going to the gym, improving my wardrobe, etc.; lets me use my skills to advance the state of the art in medicine; and provides me the chance to be more responsible and solve problems. I think it would be fair to say I have too much of my self-esteem and identity wrapped up in this right now. The peak of this was over the summer, and I think overall it's been trending downward, but this is the shitty time of year for all engineers where I work, so I'm in the thick of it right now. Hopefully, by February, things will be better. I also need to give it a fair shake of getting myself in order first, which I don't think I am.

That said, I am entertaining other opportunities 🙂

Day 223

No VG - 223 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 38 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 4 days, NNO59 -6 days left

Work busy. Blah blah blah. I think I'm doing a slightly better job managing my big project right now.

Kept all my habits today. Got to the gym. Had to be careful with a neck tweak, but I was able to do 80% of my workout, and the other bit I just modified and did other stuff. I did sit in the parking lot reading news before I went in since I knew I was not getting out until after 9. I was literally searching for ANYTHING. In reality, I scan two sites for headlines, and then there's some itch that I can't finish scratching. To be honest, I don't think I really give much of  a damn about the news, but I need it to feel even-keeled. 

Super tired and have to get to work early tomorrow. Going to bed a little late. Oops.

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When I wrote "no real benefits", I meant the additional job worries that seem to pervade into your free time. I didn't mean it in the way that you should quit it and live off of welfare or get a shittier job. Good thing you are improving and that you are aware!

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