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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Thanks again for the kindness guys! 

My friends hosted an improvised birthday meeting and it was great, some unknown people showed up and a new group was formed. The presents were awesome, specially a world map where you can scratch the places you've been (perfect for both my wanderlust and little OCD tendencies) and a reservation for a romantic date next week. Can't wait!

People I've met through my life wrote me, but I've been hiding. I don't know what to say to them, I don't have anything to tell them since last year, and for some others, even more. I'm afraid to disappoint them in some way so they won't write again. Shit, I feel I've took a step back since I came back from Africa, or at least from Greece. Makes me want to cry but I won't be a victim. 

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Something that's been happening in the background is I'm about to reach 90 days without mindless browsing social media and YouTube. There's been a video here and there, but nothing like the old days, the time blocker made sure of that. If anything, there are so many things blocked that I'm having a hard time deciding where to invest the assigned daily hour!

About the military entrance exam, I don't feel there's much more to do, not much room to improve. The question now is if I'll go. I launched plan B before closing A and I might get my fingers stuck, but we'll see.

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I'm determined to do the exam. It will be a disaster, but I don't mind. Going is already a victory. I'll update about it soon.

My phone's screen broke for the first time ever and my cat got something in the eye that needs a ton of eyedrops to cure, but it will be fine. 

The unused energy stored turns into anxiety residue, just like unused nutrients turn into fat. I have to remember this the next time I feel distressed.

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Going and doing the exam is worth it simply for the experience of it. Do your best, but be unattached to any specific outcome. 

I'll try, so I won't do any further comment until I do. No brain rewards.

90 days of no Internet distractions today!

- Game detox: done

- Distraction detox: done

- Sugar drinks detox: done

- Porn detox: Halfway through 

- Couch/Bed/Idleness detox: not done 

So that will be next step. I've tried several times before but it's a radical change. It's going to be physically painful and despair-inducing. Meh. It can be done.

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Good luck on the exam (even though Cam is right; do it because of who you're going to become, not the tangible rewards.)

Also congrats on the progress you've made this far. It's only the beginning, eh? ;) 

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Good luck on the exam (even though Cam is right; do it because of who you're going to become, not the tangible rewards.)

Also congrats on the progress you've made this far. It's only the beginning, eh? ;) 

I'm tempted to say "Why do it if not for the reward?" but I'm wrong and always been.

I've been trying to play life "to win" but there's nothing to win in the end, at least not in the way I'm used to see it. Stuff now. Thoughts later!

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Something that's been happening in the background is I'm about to reach 90 days without mindless browsing social media and YouTube. There's been a video here and there, but nothing like the old days, the time blocker made sure of that. If anything, there are so many things blocked that I'm having a hard time deciding where to invest the assigned daily hour!

About the military entrance exam, I don't feel there's much more to do, not much room to improve. The question now is if I'll go. I launched plan B before closing A and I might get my fingers stuck, but we'll see.

Dude, that's awesome!! I was thinking of doing something like that, since after quitting games, mindless browsing is the only thing that  bugs me. But somehow, I never got the guts to do that, and I kinda regret that a lot. Since quite some time was wasted because of that.
P.S What kind of websites did you block? Like, only YT and FB or any other? I'm asking because I'm kinda short on ideas :D 

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@Remigjus I use Stayfocusd. Right now I can't tell you the whole list but I remember I blacklisted Facebook, Twitter, YT, Reddit, this forum and NoFap (I use them freely on the phone for both procrastination and PMO quitting reasons), humor and meme websites in general (when I find myself wasting time somewhere I just add it to the list) WhatsApp Web, all video formats I come across like Vimeo, Blogspot, TVTropes, Wikipedia, mail (Google and Outlook) and the Google domain (to avoid wasting time searching and looking results for useless stuff). If there's something useful inside a domain (like Google docs for example), you can whitelist it aside so no problem. You can also blacklist a keyword in a URL like *podcast or *content. I have assigned one hour for all the blocked stuff. This way, when I enter somewhere I REALLY need (like checking mail or watch a specific video) I go super focused and straight to the point, I may need the time later. You can always cheat, but you know, the point is that you don't. Take it as a challenge, that helps me.

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@Remigjus I use Stayfocusd. Right now I can't tell you the whole list but I remember I blacklisted Facebook, Twitter, YT, Reddit, this forum and NoFap (I use them freely on the phone for both procrastination and PMO quitting reasons), humor and meme websites in general (when I find myself wasting time somewhere I just add it to the list) WhatsApp Web, all video formats I come across like Vimeo, Blogspot, TVTropes, Wikipedia, mail (Google and Outlook) and the Google domain (to avoid wasting time searching and looking results for useless stuff). If there's something useful inside a domain (like Google docs for example), you can whitelist it aside so no problem. You can also blacklist a keyword in a URL like *podcast or *content. I have assigned one hour for all the blocked stuff. This way, when I enter somewhere I REALLY need (like checking mail or watch a specific video) I go super focused and straight to the point, I may need the time later. You can always cheat, but you know, the point is that you don't. Take it as a challenge, that helps me.

That´s a great approach Hitaru.

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[Side note, I wasted today like an idiot and I just wanted to take it out from my chest. I'll probably do a lot of push-ups to exhaust myself, like... five or so. Ah, weekend was great, the post about it got erased in the middle of writing. But I'll come back to it later.]

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Exam final date this Friday. Oh boy! It was scary to be surrounded by soldiers while making the application, but I did it. I swear one of them could have appeared in old yugoslavian wars news reports. 

I'm fine.

Still fine, it wasn't a sarcasm. 

About last weekend. On Friday I went with my boyfriend to an Ara Malikian performance (concert is a way too tame word to describe it, seriously). It was my suggestion and the experience was absolutely awesome. Then on Saturday he delivered his birthday present, a visit to an arabian-style public bath complex. Caliphate approved for halal enjoyment, I tell you. Praise iberian multiculturalism. I feel extra "proud" for showing the rest of the people that two men together can be near pools and saunas without things turning stereotypically debauched. My, stop the presses, we can be "normal" too if we try! 

That, was a bit of a sarcasm. Sorry. I'm just getting tired of the stares and mysterious sudden coughing that follows us every time we get minimally lovey. But this particular time there was not a single incident, probably because it was like 90% couples and everyone was busy doting their own partners. I'm happy in any case.

And speaking about blissful happiness... No, nothing, I think @giblets mentioned something about it already. 9_9

There's been a lot of political turmoil in my country and of course I'm furious, both because my vocation and spanish natural tendency to take politics personally. It's affecting my daily life, been hard(er) to stay focused lately. In times like this I thank being the only active spaniard in the forums, if an argument broke up I'm certain we wouldn't be able to keep rule #1. I politely request to not be asked about the topic (even though most of you don't know what the hell I'm talking about or just learned about it recently). About my own feelings, I feel powerless. I feel there should be something I could do, and have the power to enforce it. But, it's not to be. Not yet, I guess. I'll have to remember how much I don't want to feel like this again when pursuing my goals. 

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News! I got a decent score in the exam, exactly no more and no less that what I was expecting, which actually makes it better than expected -taking out the nervousness factor. 77 out of 105, global score of 6.033 (decimals are important). I'm not sure if I'll get what I truly want, BUT there's definitely somewhere I can enter. If I'll take the chance or not, that's for me only to decide. Well, unless this promotion has an extraordinary number of geniuses, you wouldn't believe the number of college graduates applying to enlist. Youth unemployment is hell.

Now the only thing I literally have to do in life for the next month and half if I decide to carry on is get fit. Very fit, absurdly fit. Well, on with it.

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It took me 3 days to muster the courage to check on the travel/meeting in Portugal and less than 10 minutes to actually get it mostly done. Again, as Demir from Lifehack Bootcamp used to repeat, "The way you do one thing is the way you do everything".

I am terrified and not ashamed in the slightest to say it. Even more scared than my previous travels. Other times I had a more or less clear idea of what I'd be doing, but this time is a complete mystery. I'm neither complaining nor ecstatic. "Serious business oh jeez what am I going to do" mode has taken over my usual mood. It's not so bad as long as I'm able to regulate the (mostly self-imposed) pressure. 

Aside from that, I checked on super expensive upgrades to compensate for my embarrassing shortage of time to get ripped, namely personal trainers and the sort. And surprise surprise, my mother is supportive this time. I guess she sees the endgame in sight, has resigned to fate or a mix of several things. So do I. Things are happening. It's strange. 

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All set for the Camhappening. Things (logistics) suddenly untangled and got put together again so fluidly I barely noticed. No Hitarus were harmed during this whole process.

Still anxious as fuck for breaking again my comfort zone. If doing it is getting easier, my nervous system is not getting the idea. It's just getting easier as a concept. I fear I might drop dead one of these days, like a horse. I'm still resistant to the idea of medication, I "should" (perhaps) be able to handle it on my own. I should, perhaps, make my mind about it already. 

Anyway, this is not to say I'm in a bad mood, in the slightest. I'm happy, all the happy I think I can be which is positively ok. Last September I wasn't allowed to be stressed about the near future and two years ago I was about to kill myself. Huge, huge improvement. No, a life turn, 360 degrees, even if not all that impressive (mine is a long-term story, that's for sure). And now I'm about to meet the man who made at least 50% of all that possible. I'm well aware he's just a human, right, but boy am I hyped. 

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