Jump to content
Shine Magical

Shine Magical's journal

Recommended Posts

Honesty time:

 

With my present mindset, I will relapse once Maplestory 2 is released in North America. The game will likely release in early 2019. It might be a short relapse, or it might be a long one. It depends on how fun the game is.

It's true that I don't really care about any other games at this point. I don't feel the need to play them to fill my free time. But Maplestory 2 is different, perhaps I won't be playing it "just to fill time."

It's a sequel to a game I loved and that I grew up with. It was also the highlight of my teenage years that helped me escape from an otherwise psychologically traumatic home situation, and a way to hang out with friends after school on days we didn't hang out in person.

Why would I relapse? Well, because I want to play. ¬¬

I haven't disassociated myself from wanting to play this game. It also might only happen once I actually play it and I see the reality of how playing the game actually is.

 

I need more self discipline and set my priorities.

Edited by Shine Magical

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm doing a good job spending money this month, lol. But I'm improving my life in some places that have been lagging behind so I am happy.

318491CD-C812-4F95-BB6A-27C9766729DA.thu

These are the sneakers I decided to buy. It took me about 5 hours of research and work to settle on these (perfectionist...). I'm still researching how I'm going to lace them (probably bar lacing?).

 

I've also been working on applying a lot of the techniques and skills I've been researching for both writing and painting. I'm cutting down on my color palette and I think I'll buy different colors in the future to get a basic color scheme that reflects more of my personality instead of just buying off a list of what paints someone recommended for beginners. I've also taken the plunge today and finally started handwriting my first draft of my writing. I've been procrastinating it for about 9 months... -_- I'm just going to try to enjoy the process and not have a specific goal in mind like "I'm going to write a novel so that I can sell it and have extra income." I think that kind of goal made me not succeed in getting a finished product and made me write in a slightly different way. It's interesting because each time I pick up writing, I add another layer onto the same plot I've been trying to push out of my system but have never been able to fully complete. Let's see if my fantasy story finally comes to life this time!

IMG_1516.thumb.jpg.b95bde68d01095fc9ce62

You can see how much I love my avatar. It is on my pen, on my home screen, I have a piggy bank of it, it is so cute.

 

I told my boyfriend I was feeling lonely because we haven't had many meaningful experiences together for a few months because he has been traveling a lot for work. It made me feel better to say it aloud, because a small voice in my head was saying it for the past month and it was making me sadder and sadder. Thus I get to award myself a point.

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 4/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 4/10

Edited by Shine Magical

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Shine,
Hard days are inevitable. Especially when we are pushing the boundaries to improve our lives!
But this is something to be proud of, keep your chin up and I hope you have an awesome day! :)

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What are ways that I can be like a priest class video game character but in real life? They have nothing to do with religion.

 

ideas:

wear white and be surrounded by natural light

eat clean and healthy plant based foods

Minimalist

don't flake out on your friends and try to meet with them regularly

Read books

Keep a sketchbook - hand drawings and carefully written things - putting time into this craft (inscription)

gardening (herbalism)

gong fu tea ceremonies (alchemy/potions)

yoga (mediation/prayer)

listen to classical music

Edited by Shine Magical
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was always attracted to the idea of becoming a real life version of this weird NPC who wanders around leaving cryptic pieces of life advice. You could begin to work towards that :ph34r:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The other day my partner in crime showed me an animated TV show about three bears who did stuff like... updating their social media? It was cute tho, given your love for bears maybe you know about it? :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Hitaru said:

The other day my partner in crime showed me an animated TV show about three bears who did stuff like... updating their social media? It was cute tho, given your love for bears maybe you know about it? :D

No, I've never even heard about it actually. I'll check it out if you find out the name :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It started with a podcast Cam stickied about drugs. I listened to part of it, and pretty quickly closed it after I judged it as something that didn’t have much relevance to me since I already went through a pretty heavy stage of drug usage in my late teens and got most of what I think I could get out of those substances. Drug usage is not something I look favorably on, but this is mostly because I think I’m past that stage and don’t think drugs should be a regular part of someone’s mature life but are ok as a growing tool and can be especially helpful when transitioning to adulthood. But something about the podcast triggered me when there was a comment about marijuana usage.

 

In mid-September, I was feeling kind of unhappy. I felt bored, I was tired of “being good,” I was lonely because my boyfriend was on a lot of business trips. This is stupid but the turning point for me was needing to do the chore of lacing the new shoes I bought. I really didn’t want to do it. It’s boring, it’s stupid, and it was going to take a lot of time to do properly the way I would want so I had been putting it off because I didn’t want to do it. I still haven’t done it properly. So on my way one night to the park to work out, with these thoughts in my head, I decided to turn back around and go home and order some weed. I turned on the computer, downloaded League and World of Warcraft and essentially conked out for 2 months. After noticing my gums had receded a bit and tired of looking like shit and having bad sleeping habits and feeling cold all the time because of the hormonal imbalances that were accumulating, I decided to stop. I went through a mild physical detox, and I kept playing videogames through to keep myself comfortable and occupied, but of course once I was sober they weren’t interesting. Games + weed are a great combo and when I previously relapsed earlier this year, it was a similar situation. I’ve since stopped playing both games and they faded out of my life quite easily because I didn’t really have a desire to play them.

 

To be perfectly honest, I have a history of marijuana usage problems. If I have it, I need to use it until it’s gone, and as quickly as possible. I just want it “out of my life.” But then a few days later, I often find myself deciding it wasn’t a big deal and then order it again… and the cycle repeats for a time. It has its benefits though, especially when I first come back to it. I become very introspective and think a lot. Thoughts that have been floating in my subconscious bubble up to the surface, and I often make improvements in my life as a result. This time, my relationship with my boyfriend improved as well, and I made some good decisions that I had been holding off on doing. But overall I view the experience as a net negative. Because of my lack of control, the positive aspects that could come out of it devolve into a negative. I simply like to use it too much, and because it’s not a healthy substance (unlike tea for example), it becomes a problem in multiple ways.

 

During the 2 months I was in this mindset, I didn’t exercise the entire time. I didn’t do a good job at work. I started to cancel some plans I had previously made with friends. I went back to square zero in some ways, but nothing permanent or damaging. Just a setback. I’ve been starting to heal and go back to normal. I’ve begun working out a bit more heavily than I did earlier in the month. My skin still really looks like shit and I had really bad breakouts the past few weeks, but it’s starting to get better. How I look really, REALLY affects how I feel about myself. I don’t feel good about myself right now. I think I will become whole and back to normal in another 2-3 weeks. It feels like the time the drug took away from me now still needs to be paid out in full in order to get my life back to the way it was.

 

It’s clearer than ever before that this journal isn’t really a game quitting journal, it’s more like “a journey to find things I like enough that can distract me from doing bad things that waste my time or harm my health.” Overall, I feel like I was reminded of something I had forgotten, my attitude towards marijuana and video games are the same because they are fairly interlinked: do your best to completely abstain, until you can no longer take it and give in, after which your goal should be to get on track as quickly as possible and remember to treat yourself gently throughout the process because if these are your greatest vices then you’re already in a great place.

Edited by Shine Magical
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Naxxanar was merely a setback.

Man, I really feel your last post. 

20 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Overall, I feel like I was reminded of something I had forgotten, my attitude towards marijuana and video games are the same because they are fairly interlinked: do your best to completely abstain, until you can no longer take it and give in, after which your goal should be to get on track as quickly as possible and remember to treat yourself gently throughout the process because if these are your greatest vices then you’re already in a great place.

Can relate. I have not found a solution to this conundrum yet but I really feel there is one and I'm getting closer. Memories play into it, nostalgia, beliefs around our core identity formed during gaming times, and then of course escapism. 

The secret, I have found, is to not take yourself so seriously. Meditation, in particular Zen for me, has proven an incredibly valuable ally. I will find myself suffering, and ruminating, and generally wallowing in my own misery, then boom. Ah, I remember. I'm spinning narratives. These are stories. These are past memories. I'm not my thoughts, I'm not my emotions, they are simply paintings on the canvas of my body. It's impermanence, it's flow. Why identify with them? Why grasp on to them? Observe and detach.

Welcome back. Whatever transpired, you are 2 months wiser.

On 11/10/2017 at 4:45 PM, Shine Magical said:

What are ways that I can be like a priest class video game character but in real life? They have nothing to do with religion.

Love this lol. Minimalism and classical music are the shit. Who is your favorite composer?

Some more ideas:

  • give homeless people some food or tea then buff them with Power Word: Shield
  • do some chanting or singing in/after the shower. For real, this really opens me up and gives me a more resonating voice
  • ask random people on the street if they want to join your religion

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had another healing day today. I drew for 5 hours after work yesterday, drank a tea in a great clay teapot, had a great vegan dinner at ABCv, and gave myself a facial.

Perhaps focusing on consistently healing myself is another way I can be like a holy priest in real life. Trying to debuff the consistently recurring poisons of daily life, until I become such a high level that it’s not an issue. I just have to regulate myself to make sure this mindset doesn’t lead me towards going full shadow priest instead.

Edited by Shine Magical

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/1/2017 at 5:15 AM, Shine Magical said:

It’s clearer than ever before that this journal isn’t really a game quitting journal, it’s more like “a journey to find things I like enough that can distract me from doing bad things that waste my time or harm my health.” Overall, I feel like I was reminded of something I had forgotten, my attitude towards marijuana and video games are the same because they are fairly interlinked: do your best to completely abstain, until you can no longer take it and give in, after which your goal should be to get on track as quickly as possible and remember to treat yourself gently throughout the process because if these are your greatest vices then you’re already in a great place.

I am glad you're back and shared your story. Indeed be gentle with yourself, self-love is an important part of getting back on track and staying there.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This morning I had a maid come and clean my apartment. I gave her a list of specific things to do; the chores I hate doing the most. I was so happy when I came home after work!

I asked to receive a gift certificate to a maid service for my birthday, which is how I paid for it. :P

I pretty much finished a big project at work.

I cooked pasta for the first time in my life today! It was okay.

I also did this good yoga workout. It was the perfect difficulty level for me, I will be doing it again in the future since it did some stretches I need help on.

It was a pretty good day considering it was a weekday. ^_^

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My acne seems to be beginning to clear up, so my confidence and happiness levels are much better. 

@Brad_Hurst is motivating me to do yoga much more frequently. He is so fit, doing heavy cardio exercises so often. I don’t think I have the energy for that, at least not yet, but I should be able to do my favorite exercise more frequently if he is able to do that. I used to be in much better shape, and I want to exceed my past highs.

 

I’m having tea now, then I will do yoga and make dinner.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. It makes me happy to hear I'm having a positive effect on someone :)

Keep up the yoga, it's such great exercise with MANY benefits. I plan to start doing yoga too!

Edited by Brad_Hurst

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My face is almost back to normal, I'm starting to look really good again!! My careful attention to my diet and proper care is finally paying off.

 

I realized I hadn't done much on Saturday night or Sunday morning. I blame the fact that my building had the heat turned up a lot so my brain got way too cozy.

So I opened the windows to let in some cold, 35'F motivation to move my ass!

Afterwards I went to a yoga class at a yoga studio in my neighborhood I've been wanting to go to for a while. It ended up being very lovely, the class was the perfect pace for me and exceeded my expectations. I feel really good now.

Then I remembered that I promised I'd be more gentle with myself. So instead of cooking a full dinner, I made a reservation for 1 person at a sushi restaurant I've been wanting to go to with boyfriend but we never got around to it. It's a late reservation, but I'm going to go and enjoy!

 

I feel like I just ended the weekend on a very good note, and I'm happy. I feel very taken care of, I did a good job. ^_^

 

Edited by Shine Magical
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve been sick for the past week so I’ve been feeling very frustrated. I watched an entire series of Gotham and started watching an anime. 

 

I’ve been very grumpy because I ordered a lot of soup. Some of the soup had sugar added to it without my knowledge, so I had some unnecessary acne because of this. I still have a big pimple that I can do nothing about but wait. So I feel a bit unhappy. Why do Americans need to be so fat to add sugar into a vegetable soup?

 

When I was sick I did not paint or do any creative writing, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so tired, I just wanted to consume and be distracted. I had the heat turned up to 85F. I drank a lot of tea though which was nice.

 

I also found a new song I like:

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, once I saw americans on TV putting processed sugar into macaroni, I couldn't unsee it.

Check your entry of the 11th and this last one. It's ok to let yourself go a little if you are sick (it's not ok however to "coincidentally be sick all the time" if you know what I mean!). This bad mood you're having will pass, only your actions remain. Any time is a good moment to stop for a bit, break the inertia of that frustration and take up the day again with a renewed mindset. You've been doing great, don't get discouraged! ;)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel better, physically at least.

I did a short 25min yoga session today.

 

I haven't been my cheerful self lately these past few months. I realized this after watching a new anime. And then I realized I haven't watched any anime in that same amount of time. I think I just need to watch more anime to maintain my happiness levels. Anime is life.

 

cardcaptor-sakura-clear-card-anime.png?i

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right in my childhood, Cardcaptor Sakura~~! Back to the time when a proper magical girl had nothing to do with being a ghetto edgy t***-tr******* les****-

Ahem.

What have you been watching lately? It's been a while since I watched anime. Last time was all the filmography of Makoto Shinkai bc all the hype from the latest movie (except Hoshi no Koe, the only one I knew prior and was actually looking forward to watch) and boy honestly felt like watching the same thing over and over. The guy basically had the same story to tell, some girl in high-school must have gave him a very bad time and he refined those angsty feels for years until bam, best-selling Japanese animation movie ever. Perseverance is key. (Jokes aside, goddamn determination, the guy did most of his films by himself, we should interview him). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...