d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

I gave away my cat yesterday. 

 

It was my idea to adopt him 2 years ago, but I came to realize that my allergies and the other negatives of owning a cat outweighed the positives, even though he is a very good cat and I loved him immensely. I was not his first owner. At times, he was my best friend... and although he wasn't always #1, he was always at least #2. My boyfriend took this news very hard as well but we eventually settled on giving Nico to someone else. We have both come to terms with this decision and are in the process of moving on, although I still cried this morning. I didn't want to live another possible 12 years with not being able to breathe through my nose and being mildly itchy. I gave Nico a lot of love and what I hope were a good 2 years for him, and I hope that the people that took him are more mature than me and will love him even more than I did and for the remainder of his life. He seemed to like the new owners more than us, so I also felt less guilty and sad about the decision. I love you and wish you the best, Nico.

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

The new owners for Nico wanted to think about the decision and come back the next day. I spoke up and told them my feelings that I would prefer if they made the decision the same day, because I did not want to think about Nico leaving me for another day. They agreed that made sense, and then decided to take him.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I feel like I am having bad posture lately. I have been meaning to do back exercises or yoga but I haven't found the time. I have done a lot of cardio and rollerblading recently at night, because I was trying to work through my emotions about my cat and my relationship so at least I wasn't sedentary.

 

My #1 goal right now is to study. Study study study. I feel really dumb and I need to study! Study till I die and then study more.

I have a list of things I want to do, and it keeps getting longer because I need to study and other things take a lower priority. I don't feel very tempted to play Maplestory 2 when it comes out. The thought of playing a video game now seems a little weird and foreign to me, I hope I can maintain that feeling. I had decided not to play it a few weeks ago, and since then the desire to play it has been decreasing and decreasing. I got a new TV last week and I was watching Youtube videos about tea while eating breakfast. I was forced to watch some ads for video games and they looked nice and made me interested and I hated that. But I am of course not going to play.

I feel a little more secure in my life so I am decreasing my emergency fund and investing it instead.

This weekend I went to a spa and had a massage, ate Greek food, and cleaned my apartment a lot. I am able to breathe through my nose quite well right now so I feel happy and healthier.

 

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAyomcOQ9Oo

[WorkInProgress]

Hey I am sorry to ehar about your cat. It would be really hard to give away oen of ym two cats. But I am sure you made the right decision ven if ti was a hard one .

[d.manuk]

Today is day 134 without playing video games.

Start date: 9/6/2016

 

I only studied for 1 hour today, but I had a good time taking a bath and talking with my boyfriend. I am breathing very well today and I don't have any regrets about making the tough decision to part with Nico. I am trying to be more honest with myself and others and this was an example.

 

Things I want to buy:

- A few more work clothes

- 2 pairs of shoes, 1 casual and 1 for work

- New home clothes

- A new coat for spring

- Carry on suitcase

- New robot vacuum

 

I think I will return my wireless earbuds because I think they give me slight headaches... still deciding.

 

Things I want to work on:

Studying

Tasting all of the tea samples I recently bought - I am slowly working through them.

Eating more salads - I bought some more glass containers for salads to help achieve this goal.

Figuring out a better system for my clothes/coats/shoes/work bag - Still working on organizing my closet but it is better than before.

Managing my emotions at work when people say things that I think are crazy but they are actually 100% serious instead of exploding (I have ordered a library book regarding this) - I have been very calm and nice at work

Read more: Poison Study and Dale Carnegie's How to Make Friends book

Spend less time with technology

Make $300 more dollars selling stuff I own

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

Edited January 19, 2017 by Shine Magical

[Reloaded]

Excellent journal, congratulations on making it so far!

If you want to go 3/10 on initiate conversations with 10 people you haven't spoken to I'd love to chat to a 134'er!

[d.manuk]

I think there is something wrong with my ears. I feel like I hear 15% less... or like my ears are more sensitive. I'm going to return my earbuds and not listen to music for a while. Hopefully I just have a mild ear infection.

Since my last journal entry, I have made $360 from selling stuff and so I'm resetting my goal.

Lately, I feel like the world is unfolding in front of me like a flower. But because it is the world unfolding, and not a flower, it is overwhelming. I realized that I have been trying to hide from the world for a long time. Hiding myself from behind headphones whenever I went outside, behind my computer screen, behind my intentional antisocial behavior. Now that the world is becoming clearer, I am realizing how my past behavior is setting me back in some ways, particularly at my job where everyone is mature and also older than me. People used to say that much is dependent on networks and connections, and I didn't realize the importance of what they were saying because I didn't understand how this was true. But now after seeing "the underside" of several businesses I am starting to understand and it's a little scary because I don't have the full set of social skills to navigate as well as I want to in this area. 

Also, I am still hiding even on gamequitters. I am a boy although people might think I am a girl. I don't think I will post a picture of myself on here yet but I did send Cam a friend request of Facebook. But I did not tell him my username on here. So I still need to work on being myself it seems.

I am still working on improving my life a lot but I am in a much better place than I was 136 days ago, even though I didn't realize it back then. 

[Cam Adair]

Did I accept your request? I get a lot of random ones so just wanted to make sure. If not, let me know and I'll make sure to add you!

[d.manuk]

Today I had my first visitor to my apartment. My new tea friend came over and we drank tea. We drank some aged pu'ehr from 1997 and I got tea drunk. I've never been tea drunk before. After he left, I drank more and more tea to try to hold onto that feeling. It reminded me that I don't have a lot of self control and it reminded me a lot of when I used to smoke marijuana. I used to smoke excessively, all day long for weeks and game. The feeling of being tea drunk is similar and for about 30 minutes I wanted to game because I was in that type of  drunken state where it's hard to read or draw or do anything, but watching tv and being on the computer is possible. But I watched a concert on my TV instead.

I went to a restorative yoga class afterwards and went to eat Korean food with my boyfriend and then went grocery shopping. I called my great aunt and now I am going to study.

[d.manuk]

I have been feeling very bad (emotionally) the past few days. The non-stop rain certainly hasn't helped. At this point, I am not very concerned about relapsing, though I shoud be very careful when Maplestory 2 gets released. I am more concerned about the mediocre state of my life and how I am not progressing very much and still don't seem to have a lot of time to do the things I want. Below I will write down all the things that are bothering me.

1 month ago I wanted to do yoga more often, and set a goal to do it every morning for 30 days. I gave up after 5 days because I was too sore and tired.

I haven't been writing because I feel tired after working and studying every day. 

Although each week over the past 3 weeks I have studied more than the previous week, I am still not meeting my weekly studying goals. I feel stupid because I read the textbooks but don't absorb any of the material. Doing questions seems to be the best way to study for me because I can see concrete examples of how the questions work, but I worry about doing the questions without first re-reading the material.

I feel upset because I don't think I will get a good raise this year, and I got taken advantage of last year as well. I feel under compensated and disrespected at my job.

I feel poor. I haven't saved much money for the past 5 months. I've been spending more money since I stopped gaming. 

I feel lonely and I miss being able to hug my ex-cat Nico when I feel this way.

My hearing seems to be getting worse so I am not using earbuds to listen to music anymore which I used to do a lot. It always made me happier. Now I feel a bit overwhelmed by my surroundings because everything is loud and there are a million people everywhere and touching me and having the safety of my headphones taken away is very depressing. I also stopped using earplugs when I sleep in case that was contributing to my ear sensitivity. I still use my sleeping mask because otherwise I wake up at 7am from the sunlight.

I have been daydreaming more and I am a more spacey over the past few weeks. I don't think I have done much over the past week or 2.

I am not as nice as the person I strive to be because I find it hard to be genuinely nice to a lot of people a lot of the time.

[Cam Adair]

Awareness is the first step. Now it's setting intention and specific action to move one step closer to each of those goals. You've got this.

[Mad Pharmacist]

 

Although each week over the past 3 weeks I have studied more than the previous week, I am still not meeting my weekly studying goals. I feel stupid because I read the textbooks but don't absorb any of the material. Doing questions seems to be the best way to study for me because I can see concrete examples of how the questions work, but I worry about doing the questions without first re-reading the material.

The best way to realise how well you're knowledgeable about something is to answer a question:

"How many times have I recalled it from my memory?"

Instead of "How many times have I read it?"

This way you'll be focused on active studying instead of passive.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[d.manuk]

Today is day 143 of no gaming

Start date: 9/6/2016

http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html

 

My mental imagery has improved a lot recently. If I think of something, I can picture it pretty clearly and almost instantly. Maybe it's because I haven't had time to do a lot of creativity-releasing activities because of my studying, and also because without headphones I am forced to entertain myself in a different way. When I walked down the street yesterday, I imagined people having moose horns or having flowers taking over their body, and for a little while it was almost convincing I was seeing these things.

 

I started studying during work yesterday, which is better for my health. I have a slower workload at this time of year so I will do my best to interject 25 min study sessions throughout my workday because spending all of my free time studying after work is extremely depressing and makes it harder to reach my goal.

 

I went to a 1.5 hour yoga class yesterday.

 

I've made some slight improvements to the apartment, and I made $85 out of my $300 goal by selling something since my last journal entry. My net worth has been essentially flat since I quit gaming because I spend more money, but even in September I knew that I would start saving more by February and I am on track now to start saving again.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Shine Magical

[Random]

Glad to see a net worth graph here!

From 0 to almost 50k in 2 years and 3 months, impressive!

[d.manuk]

I haven't posted a Facebook status update in 2.5 years because I am scared that no one will comment. A few years ago, I cut down my friends list from 600 to 6 because I wanted to 'get rid of my fake friends,' but after I did that I realized that I wasn't that close to my real friends either.

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

[Mad Pharmacist]

I haven't posted a Facebook status update in 2.5 years because I am scared that no one will comment. A few years ago, I cut down my friends list from 600 to 6 because I wanted to 'get rid of my fake friends,' but after I did that I realized that I wasn't that close to my real friends either.

Whoa, that's what I call natural selection

I don't have FB and that's pretty awesome thing to have. Unless it's necessary for you

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[d.manuk]

Things I have accomplished since my last entry:

 

-Set up google music so I can listen to music on my new TV (since I am not allowing myself to use earbuds anymore)

-Getting used to the cold for less dry skin, by taking less hot showers and wearing short sleeve instead of long sleeves for sleep

-Finished reading the Dale Carnegie How to Influence People book (I did not like it very much, but perhaps it served as a good reminder of some things)

-Did laundry and took things to the dry cleaner

-Filed my taxes and received my return money

-Networked with people in the socially responsible industry when they visited our office and I demonstrated deep knowledge of the field

-Ate 2 salads in one day for the first time

-Minimized my workspace to the bare essentials

-Minimized my apartment things even further, though I could still do a better job

-Have overall been more social and tried to show more of my personality in conversations

-Got a haircut

 

Overall, I have been having a tough time working full time + heavy study load, so I need to focus more on small wins.

 

Things I could have did be better:

-Slept more hours

-Watched less anime after studying and done something different

-I am having worse posture lately

-Not exercising at all because I feel so busy and tired

 

 

I am adding 1 point to my initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to because I started off a lot of conversations this week with mutual fund managers and other people of importance in my field and had to try to find different ways of keeping the conversation going.

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 3/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

 

I have also attached a picture of my study habits for the past 2 months. I am supposedly 40% done with the number of hours I need to study to pass the exam (300 hours).

Edited February 3, 2017 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Things I have accomplished since my last entry:

 

-        -  Further decluttered my apartment: I only own 1 pen and pencil, and I scanned and then threw out my diplomas and older pictures, etc

-         - Went to a tea meetup

-          -Blocked Facebook and Reddit on my laptop so I can focus more on studying, which has been helping

-          -Deleted Facebook and Instagram apps from my phone, which has been helping

-          -Started using earplugs to sleep again because NYC streets are loud, still not using earbuds

-          -Found a product to combine my wallet and keychain so I have less to think about

 

 I have been feeling frustrated and trapped in my apartment recently. I have been stressed with studying and I want to make a big change to the apartment. Usually when I am stressed I make big changes in my life (which so far have always been for the better). I want to get rid of pretty much every piece of furniture in the apartment and just sit on pillows, and I want to experience what that is like. I want it to be easy to keep super clean by being super spartan. I grew up in an apartment with very little furniture so it doesn't seem as crazy to me as it might to my boyfriend. I can't see myself staying that way long-term, I would want a low-lying Japanese table probably at the bare minimum. But I think an empty apartment right now would be a very calming space that would allow me to reflect on what is important in my life, or what is missing, and allow me to focus on what I want to achieve. I would want to be very thoughtful about what I own. Basically, I want to get rid of most of the things my boyfriend likes and uses, because I have already reduced my belongings to the bare essentials and the furniture was his to start off with and he uses the TV and couch. I want to do crazy things to the apartment. He does not want to live a minimalist lifestyle and does not like when change occurs in the apartment, and I like to make changes to the apartment a lot. It brings to my attention a few other ways in which we are not very compatible and I have been focusing on more of the negative aspects of the relationship. I think we are both feeling bummed about this lately. I am aware that it is not appropriate to do this to the apartment when he does not want to, so I am trying to not let it bother but it is and when I am upset it is very apparent. I have never been able to live fully on my own and so a part of me feels like I have not been able to find my voice with regards to habitat and apartment décor. Lately I had some urges to play Sim City, likely because of my desire to be fully in control of my surroundings. In this moment, I wish I could live alone so that I could be free to fully explore my desires.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Shine Magical

[Mad Pharmacist]

Whoa, that's table is something I can do in next semester!

Instead of playing SimCity, you started to play a game with me, by obtaining achievemt "Impress Mad Pharmacist level 1"

Now I can't wait for you to get next one "STUDY!!!!11!!!!11111!!!!" for studying 300 hours.

I'll print it for you if you achieve it without playing SimCity

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[d.manuk]

Today is day 168, or 5 months +15 days

Start Date: 9/6/2016

http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html

 

 

Things I have accomplished since my last entry:

 

- Have been pretty consistently eating 2 salads a day

- Have not gotten sick all winter, I believe it is because I am getting 8-9 hours of sleep consistently. Sometimes when I was gaming I would only get 4-7 hours of sleep because I was so stimulated and wanted to do "just one more thing" or get to the next rank.

- Have been doing a good job studying, and studying every day. I feel a little bit more confident about my test. I still have a lot more to do, and my test is in 1 month.

- Have not been spending much money and have not felt the urge to

- Reached a personal financial milestone of $50,000 net worth. This feels very good and makes me feel more secure, although it is not a very good cushion yet.

- Created a minimalist corner in the living room to compromise with boyfriend.

- Studying so much is starting to mess with my head. It can be very depressing and isolating. Today wasn't a very good day for me emotionally and I didn't study much as a result. I plan to leave work early tomorrow and study at home for half the day. I need to pass in March. My secret to studying for long periods is to just accept that it is going to happen and you have no choice but to have it happen.

- I struggled today for about 15 minutes with wanting to play video games and going back to some of my other bad habits, and I did this because I am not very happy with my life at the moment because I am putting my personal life on hold a lot for future financial gain and opportunity. This has been the 'story of my life' for the past 5 years... soon it will end though with this test. I think I will feel so relaxed and relieved once I take it and pass; I cannot wait to experience that feeling.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Shine Magical

[Random]

- Reached a personal financial milestone of $50,000 net worth. This feels very good and makes me feel more secure, although it is not a very good cushion yet.

50k not a very good cushion? If it's in liquid assets, that 50k cushion is actually pretty life changing when you think about it.

[d.manuk]

- Reached a personal financial milestone of $50,000 net worth. This feels very good and makes me feel more secure, although it is not a very good cushion yet.

50k not a very good cushion? If it's in liquid assets, that 50k cushion is actually pretty life changing when you think about it.

I don't know what to say -- it is not really a big amount of money for me but a good first step.

It will not really change my life, it will instead just keep it the same since it is emergency fund + retirement money.

Since I work in helping people retire I might be more aware than others at how little this is, but that it is good that I was able to invest it "early" on in my life.

[Random]

It will not really change my life, it will instead just keep it the same since it is emergency fund + retirement money.

Yeah, not literally life changing, as in quitting job or something like that. I just meant there is a huge difference between having 50 k in savings and living paycheck to paycheck. I see 50 k as not having to worry about finances (do I have money for food and next rent at the end of the month) and knowing that even major unexpected expenses won't totally screw me over. And that is life changing to me, mentally.

In my country, you only start receiving pension when you actually retire, so we don't ever get to count retirement savings into networth. That might contribute to why I see 50 k as a very large cushion, because most people here will never see that kind of sums in their bank and brokerage accounts combined, not even close.

[d.manuk]

Today is day 173.

 

It seems like a lot of the veteran members have been relapsing recently. I am doing my best to concentrate on studying and not playing though! I have been having some urges recently, and they get triggered by watching my boyfriend play NBA2K because I see such striking similarities between that game and League of Legends. They also come about when I see recent YouTube video ads for a video game where you can fly. It reminds me of the game FlyFF and also looks like World of Warcraft. Both were very fun games for me at the time when I played them, but I don't think they would bring me much joy if I played now. I do wish I could fly and do magic! But the urges are small and I think I'm in a good place.

 

Recently I have kindled a fondness for cooking. This came about from me making 2 salads a day and trying to keep them interesting, such as adding in leftover vegetables like steamed root vegetables and mushrooms.

 

I have been eating much healthier in the past month, and I am very proud of myself. I don't think even 0.01% of NYC eats as healthy as me now. I just eat meat, greens, vegetables, mushrooms, fruit, and more greens. I just need to incorporate more fish into my diet (need to find a way to want to eat fish... it's my least favorite food group!). The amount of vegetables I buy every week now is insane! In a good way. My shopping cart is beautful.

 

Right now, I am just focusing on: studying, work, cooking, anime, and the occasional exercise, and in this order as well. This is all I have time for in my life right now.

 

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5uikBu7fys

[Simms]

I'm very impressed by people that eat healthy. For me it's been an accomplishment to bring bagged lunch to work every day of the week, but inevitably most of the items in the lunch are pre-packaged bars, noodles, not very fresh.

Nice job letting the cravings for games wash over you and focusing on something positive in cooking!

[d.manuk]

I have been studying and my test is in 12 days.

 

I do however, have a confession. No, I haven't been gaming. But I have been watching more and more tv shows and I am doing it with an obsessive frequency. I am still studying but I have been more willing to not meet my daily study goal by 45 mins - 1.5 hours because I don't want to study and I would rather binge watch tv shows or anime seasons.  Normally if I wouldn't be studying and I were in this frame of mind/cycle, then I would just watch all day for five days straight and then I would get so sick that I would stop. But now I have another responsibility, so it is more like a prolonged and steady injection instead of a huge rush. Which is just as sickening.

 

I only have 3 episodes of Gotham to watch and then I think I will put my computer in my closet. To be honest even though I just bought this laptop I want to get rid of it. The moment in time when I shelved my old gaming computer in my closet was a very nice time for me. 

 

 I would also like to get rid of my phone in addition to my laptop but my phone is unfortunately an important connector to the small amount of people in my life. Even though I would feel unburdened if I didn't own a cell phone,  it is my responsibility to carry one for their sake (mostly for my boyfriend who is hyper connected to everything).

 

Question to think about: Why am I watching  tv shows? Did I simply forget my goals? Did I mentally shelve my goals because I'm in such an intense mental state with studying and it helps me cope? What would life be like without a laptop and how would I be able to handle not watching anime?

Edited March 10, 2017 by Shine Magical