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d.manuk
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I've had a very low libido the past few months. I'm not really interested in any men.

I have some blood work scheduled, but I think it's more of a mental thing.

I have 2 paintings in progress.

I was supposed to go to the gym today but I felt like I woke up at 3pm because my whole day was somehow wasted.

I'm a little off today!

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I want to think of a new username, I don't feel like Shine Magical anymore.

I've been creating a new workout routine for myself and I'm excited to start it soon.

I weighed in a 181lbs at my doctor today, I was 165 at the beginning of this year.

I need to buy new clothes for myself.

I bought chairs but they'll get delivered in 6 months.

I did most of the stuff on my to do list and have added a few new things that make me excited.

I have 3 paintings in progress.

I still really like my apartment and neighborhood.

The weather is getting nicer and nicer.

I am getting anxious that I'll eventually be asked to come into the office, I want to continue working from home and need to figure out how to negotiate that.

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  • d.manuk changed the title to d.manuk's journal
Posted (edited)

Overall I feel very positive.

After learning I weighted 180+lb, I've started to feel more confident in myself. The changes I'd been implementing have been showing progress.

I changed my username.

I don't think I've ever written this in my journal, but I'm actually a guy.

4 or 5 years ago when I created this journal I didn't want to write my gender because it would be obvious I'm gay and I also wanted support in my gamequitters journey.

However, lately I just find it really hard to give a fuck about anyone else's opinion. I just want to be me that I want to be (which is different from the me that I am). I'm starting to feel like a man at age 30!

I don't want to put up a nice boy fascade that I put up over the past 5 years in real life. I'm actually kind of a naughty guy with an imp-like sense of humor, and I find that endearing. It can be a lot to handle and obviously rubs most people the wrong way. I like heavy metal but I look really cute. It's that unexpected dichotomy in myself that I really like.

There was a Jordan Peterson quote in a recent podcast that said something along the lines of "If you aren't being in alignment with yourself, your subconscious will harshly torture you for it." That struck me so hard for some reason.

Perhaps it's temporary, but I hope not. For now, I'm enjoying this new metamorphosis, I love exploring and evolving myself.

 

Edited by d.manuk
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I think it's good that you decided to come out here. For whatever reason, I thought I made a more indiscriminate post here more than a year ago, but it actually seems fairly reasonable. I can say I do not feel stupid for assuming you were female while I was trying to be helpful. In the final analysis, it turned back against you, because you got some posts that were trying to relate to something/someone you are not!

I agree with Peterson on this one, though it takes some time for the "obvious logic" to catch up with reality and take effect; in my case I'm going over the fact that I'm attracted to and want to have sex with a girl whom I "logically" see a lot of incompatibilities for something long term.

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On 4/27/2021 at 1:49 AM, Ikar said:

I think it's good that you decided to come out here. For whatever reason, I thought I made a more indiscriminate post here more than a year ago, but it actually seems fairly reasonable. I can say I do not feel stupid for assuming you were female while I was trying to be helpful. In the final analysis, it turned back against you, because you got some posts that were trying to relate to something/someone you are not!

I agree with Peterson on this one, though it takes some time for the "obvious logic" to catch up with reality and take effect; in my case I'm going over the fact that I'm attracted to and want to have sex with a girl whom I "logically" see a lot of incompatibilities for something long term.

Ja mluvim Cesky 😄

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I finished one of the three paintings I was working on.

Overall, I think it looks pretty good on my wall. However, I am still disappointed in the result.

I spent a lot of time on it but for some reason I don't think it came together that well. I changed color schemes in the middle of the painting but I don't think that's my main issue with it. I also think the photo looks worse than in real life when you're standing 6 feet away.

I think I should have stopped working on it 10 hours earlier, but I am happy that my child is finally born.

Unfortunately it also hasn't produced much of a response on Instagram, which is always a little disappointing.

I spent about 10 hours cleaning and improving my apartment, which was long overdue.

I've read a few oil painting books and learned a small amount of knowledge.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts instead of music.

I'm meeting a guy tomorrow to hook up, the first time I have done that in a few months. I told him I want to take it slow so we aren't going to do anything too crazy.

My elimination diet is progressing.

Here to Win.jpg

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I’ve had a very quiet month. The friend I’ve been talking to multiple times a week during quarantine had a bad experience irl and hasn’t wanted to really talk for a while so I’ve been leaving her alone so she can deal with her life. I painted the below picture for her.

I’ve been pretty low energy.
 

 

3A721995-9A8E-4BE9-9497-8BB532D680C5.jpeg

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

I'm attempting to grow magic mushrooms, we'll see in a month if I was successful. I want to have another psychedelic trip and haven't found access to mushrooms in this new city so I need to grow my own.

I'm buying a lot of new clothes, I want to have a hot boy summer with my new body and new fresh style. I'm continuing to spend a lot of money which makes me nervous.

I bought a Dyson fan that was $550. I feel a little stupid spending that much money on a fan, but I've always wanted one since I was little because it has no blades and I bought a white one that should look pretty aesthetic in my apartment.

My work wants me to start coming in, 2 days a week then slowly ramping up to 5 days a week by end of the summer. I want to negotiate to continue working from home part of the week. I'm not optimistic they'll be willing to compromise and I think I may start getting depressed as I start having to go back to the office full time. I'm also worried about meal prep for the office and continuing to make progress on my elimination diet. Usually fruits have been fine, but for some reason mangoes give me noticeable acne. Fish give me acne, but scallops seem okay.

Edited by d.manuk
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Posted (edited)

I’m going to try to be less promiscuous and to also work on being kinder and more social going forward. I think this is what the kind of men I want to attract want in a mate.

 

I've been watching a lot of videos that recommend you should think about what the people you want to attract want instead of bettering yourself how you see fit.

Edited by d.manuk
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A new goal list:

 

1. Have my art displayed in a public space

2. Obtain a financial planning client

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Posted (edited)

I went on a date where we just walked around and talked. It was nice and the conversation was easy.

I’m not yet sure how attractive I find him because he’s in his 40’s, but I am curious and maybe we could get along. He seems rich but I don’t care about that. I’m just happy that it went well and it was a positive experience.

Edited by d.manuk
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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm going to sign up for group training classes at my gym even though my membership cost will go from $60 -> $280. I can't really afford it and will dip into my savings monthly but I think it will be worth it over the long run.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I started group personal training today. I think I'll improve on my technique a lot which will help me increase the strength of my lifts.

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I woke up at 4:30 AM today because it got very warm during the night, and then I couldn't fall back asleep.

I went to my 2nd personal training session of this week. I was very tempted not to go, my anxiety was high about going since I hadn't slept well and I was going to train with a different coach than last time and the group was going to be larger than last time. I also have some bad acne this week (though nothing like it was 1 year ago), which is very rare nowadays since I've been refining with my diet a lot to see what foods I'm sensitive to. I ate too much fatty lamb shoulder this week and that's what caused the problem and my self conscious feelings also strongly contributed to me not wanting to go to the gym.

I'm happy that I pushed myself and ended up going. I feel kind of shitty because my technique for all of the exercises is quite bad, and I think bad form has been severely hampering my gym progress for the past 10 years. I guess I can only be happy that I took the right step now to correct it and attend these classes. I hope that I will make a lot of progress over the next year, because I think I have a strong yet very shaky foundation lol.

 

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The fact that I have some acne is weighing very heavily on me. It's like I'm almost back to my usual self mentally, though not as harsh on myself because the acne isn't as bad as it used to be. Can't wait for it to heal.

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On 7/9/2021 at 5:47 AM, d.manuk said:

The fact that I have some acne is weighing very heavily on me. It's like I'm almost back to my usual self mentally, though not as harsh on myself because the acne isn't as bad as it used to be. Can't wait for it to heal.

Why do you think acne is such a worrisome issue for you? I suffered from the same anxiety; it went away, though I still get acne all the time (though I've been able to improve the situation through eating foods that work well for me). What helped was realizing and accepting that no one but me really cares much about the acne much; that took me a long time, but this mindset shift really helped!

Po

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On 7/10/2021 at 11:40 AM, Pochatok said:

Why do you think acne is such a worrisome issue for you? I suffered from the same anxiety; it went away, though I still get acne all the time (though I've been able to improve the situation through eating foods that work well for me). What helped was realizing and accepting that no one but me really cares much about the acne much; that took me a long time, but this mindset shift really helped!

Po

Because I’m normally very attractive and when I have bad acne my attractiveness decreases substantially

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Posted (edited)

I met up with a guy yesterday and we had pretty great sex. My acne had healed a lot and he told me I was beautiful and how I have such a nice butt, etc. I’m looking forward to getting a nicer body over the next year in my training classes.

At the end, he then told me he was very rich and how he wanted to continue hanging out at his house, so I agreed and he drove me there. He had a giant mansion and 2 tortoises and some dogs. I got bored kind of quickly and just wanted to be alone so I ended up going back to my house though. Someone being rich only impresses me for about 10 minutes lol. The experience was a nice ego boost for me though. I’m going to continue meeting this man, but at my apartment.

I also realized that I hate dogs. They’re so needy and annoying and usually poorly behaved. If the guy yesterday didn’t have dogs I might have stayed. I’ve decided that I can’t date anyone with dogs.

Edited by d.manuk
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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

So a bit earlier in the journal I said I'd try not to sleep around, and I did, but then I forgot I was doing that and slept with a bunch of people just because I was bored.

This was stupid and I regret it, and sadly I got an STD from that.

I have to take a good amount of time off from the gym which is really disappointing to me.

I think I acted this way in part because I know that I'm still not in a good place to date anyone seriously.

It all boils down to my elimination diet, until I have it fully figured out, I'm not going to want to go out to eat on dates etc...

I'm going to go to more social meetups instead of hooking up with guys through apps.

Last week my company had a party and it was the first time since I moved to Boston where I had a deep and interesting conversation with someone.... in over a year. It was really needed and made me feel good. I've only been socializing through hookup apps and having to pay for the interaction with my body essentially.

A bump in the road, but hopefully I'm going to be back on the right track, 2 steps forward 1 step back.

Really bummed about not being able to work out for a while though.

Edited by d.manuk
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Posted (edited)

According to the lab results, I don't have an STD after all.

Seems like maybe I had some kind of small pimple or blister that popped and caused temporary discomfort.

 

Very weird, but I am always really nervous about STDs so not surprising I freaked out.

Hopefully no new symptoms or anything pop up in the next few days.

 

I feel very silly but relieved at the moment hehe

 

Edited by d.manuk
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Hey @d.manuk,

I am glad that it seems like everything is okay.

I read your journal from time to time, and currently you seem very focussed on your appearance (acne and fitness being on your mind a lot). You seem to use with these dates with benefits for self validation. It seems a little unhealthy for you to focus so much on how other people see you and to make this a blocker to something like having a meaningful relationship.

Why is this so important to you? What other things do you have that make you special and love-worthy?

I think everyone deserves good and deep relationships with good conversations and an emotional bond. To get this and also give this to someone else is something you shouldn't miss out.

Just some thoughts from someone who read your entries from time to time. I wish you all the best!

 

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Posted (edited)

I don't think my focus on appearance is anything new, I'm sure I've mentioned acne in at least half of my journal posts over the past 4 years or so lol.
However, I'm now focused on appearance even more than before.
Initially, I was focused on acne because I had a lot of it even though I was eating really healthy and I was exasperated and it negatively affected the way I acted in my previous relationship.
Now that I'm getting to the bottom of a lot of the causes of it, I can focus on improving my appearance in other ways as well.

I am naturally good looking. I think I have a lot of potential to be really handsome.
I wouldn't have landed a 7 year relationship with a guy that spent so much money on me living an Instagram life if I weren't physically attractive.

I am also excited about reinventing myself a little bit, getting to the root of acne which has been causing insecurity, and flourishing like a seed that's finally been watered. I'm redoing my wardrobe as well now, and want to dress up more even when doing casual errands so I'm always prepared to meet someone.
I'm also going to start the process of getting laser scar removal next week, and am considering getting Coolsculpting on the fat underneath my chin. I'm also growing out my hair a little bit more. I'm excited hehe

 

Yes, I like to sleep with people and get validation from other people and have them say that I am attractive. I've had some pretty hot guys tell me how hot I am and then we have sex and it's an ego boost for sure and helps give me an objective idea of where my place is the social order. I also do it because it's the easiest way to socialize in a fun way. When it comes down to it, pretty much any guy will initially want me for my looks first and personality second. That's just how guys are. It's important to be physically attractive, I think even more so in the gay community than for straight guys. Generally speaking women don't care as much about muscles and being fit, but gay men appreciate the male form more deeply and so it's highly important to look good.

 

If I want to attract someone with a decent personality and be hot, I will need to be a bombshell. There's a lot of competition in my city, because it's a college town and there's a lot of young boys here that I'm directly competing with. It's a somewhat unique situation and not tilted not in my favor.


I went to the gym today right after I got the negative results back. I was really tired but I really just wanted to start getting back into the routine because I feel like I lost a lot of momentum. It was a light and easy day, because I have obviously been sick with something and was still low energy but I feel happy that I went and I'm excited to work out next week 3x again. I hope I didn't catch the delta COVID variant lol. The change in my mood after getting the good news was DRASTIC lol
 

 

Edited by d.manuk
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6 hours ago, d.manuk said:

I am naturally good looking. I think I have a lot of potential to be really handsome.

I think @WorkInProgresshas a good point. What makes you think that you are not handsome already?

I think what makes me ask this question is that I never doubt myself on this front. I've always been thin or fit. I can sometimes appreciate looking at myself at the gym's mirror though!

6 hours ago, d.manuk said:

I wouldn't have landed a 7 year relationship with a guy that spent so much money on me living an Instagram life if I weren't physically attractive.

Do you have a great desire to be desired? To be taken care of? To be complimented?

I think the greatest compliment I give to people is being with them - my presence, spending time and doing things with them. I'm not used to using words too much. I remember I was staggered the first time I was called "beautiful" by a girl I spent a few months with.

6 hours ago, d.manuk said:

I'm also going to start the process of getting laser scar removal next week, and am considering getting Coolsculpting on the fat underneath my chin. I'm also growing out my hair a little bit more. I'm excited hehe

While I have a few specific natural features on my body, I think they actually make me more interesting. In the end, no matter what we do, the physical part of us can't win the race against the time.

6 hours ago, d.manuk said:

When it comes down to it, pretty much any guy will initially want me for my looks first and personality second. That's just how guys are. It's important to be physically attractive, I think even more so in the gay community than for straight guys. Generally speaking women don't care as much about muscles and being fit, but gay men appreciate the male form more deeply and so it's highly important to look good.

I think this is a pretty good observation/explanation that I've never had laid down before me yet from the gay side of things, though it obviously makes a lot of sense.

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Posted (edited)

I went to my workout class today, it was hard and I felt nauseous towards the end.

I hit all the definitions of a high sensitive person: 

https://tangramwellness.com/blog//the-highly-sensitive-body-handle-with-care

 

I came across this a few years ago but forgot about it

 The digestive stuff is very accurate as well as the skin conditions too, aside from all of the introvert stuff

Still not really sure what to do with this info though 

 

Edited by d.manuk
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The earliest fully formed memory from my childhood is me as a toddler sitting in a high chair. My mom has cooked lentils for me to eat, and puts it down in front of me. She turns around to do something, and during that time I push the plate off the table and the food falls on the floor. My mother turns around and slaps me and starts yelling. I start crying.

 

Now, through my elimination diet, I've realized that beans seem to trigger my acne quite a bit and are a food I'm intolerant of.

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