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Ironfly

Daily Journal - Rick

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non-existant. A trail lesson at the nearest mma school is coming up and i'm going to swim together with a friend once a week, we havent started that yet because the outdoors pool is not open until the end of may. 

EDIT: i occasionally play soccer and we have sports activities with the group every week, wednesday

EDIT: Lol i'm youtubing, the next vid https://youtu.be/oyGB-qcm-fg shows up in my recommended feed and around the first mark i hear exactly what is happened to me right now.

Edited by Ironfly

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I'm reading through the journals and i see i'm not the only one who is jojo-ing. I can observe 2 reasons for myself; i'm trying to do perfect, and i can maintain that streak for a period of time but if i don't maintain it's right into hell again (so to speak). and 2, im maybe not giving a 100%. And when i say that i can say that my intention is to go the whole way but i am not changing everything. I'm not applying everything. 

This last week has been very interesting because i do have made progress. I'm not in this whole "everything has to be perfect" mindset but i can say that i hit rockbottom again. How to not restart, but continue? 

I don't know exactly but i have a sheet of paper where i will write stuff down to make me consciously. I will hang this paper above my laptop. I'll write things on it like "REWIRE YOUR BRAIN" etc. I have thought about this. And i just finished a project that i have been procrastinating on for freaking 3 years now. And i wann add: it took me a total of like 3 or 4 hours to do it. So i'm just laughing here in myself, wth have i been doing for 3 years?! ^^. 

So ye. Maybe it isn't all that bad, and maybe i am not starting again from zero. Maybe i'm halfway and i actually have something to lose now. And i can't grasp that yet.

Time will teach me..

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A friendly aquaintance came over today. I was just so surprised, he asked me how i was and i couldnt form any answer that would satisfy him. And he looked right through me and came to the conclusion i'm not so well. It made me a bit depressed so i watched porn. And then i was angry at myself, but to go down like this is beneath me. So i won't fall into the pit, i'll just stand at the edge for now. Tomorrow i make my way back to the beach.

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It's monday today, starting day of the week. It's hot here, so very hot. It' cooler in my room then outside hehe. 

I've been good this week, not hard for me to fall back into old routines (i mean it has not been hard to avoid those things) but then again i started to rewire my brain from the 12th and with that to abstain from my laptop for 3 months (except monday's). And after the 90day mark i will get 1 day more each 2 months, so over 13 months i will be good to go, being able to handle the desire and responsibility. I'm reading a lot these days, mostly Mark Manson articles and GQ videos. It is helping me in a way i couldnt imagine before. Normally i drown myself into every article that is about self develepment and any other that leans towards that. I'm picky now, thinking how i could apply it or i just forget it immediately. 

I think i can claim i'm past the point of only making plans. It's 50/50 now. I'm really glad about that. 

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It's monday today, starting day of the week. It's hot here, so very hot. It' cooler in my room then outside hehe. 

I've been good this week, not hard for me to fall back into old routines (i mean it has not been hard to avoid those things) but then again i started to rewire my brain from the 12th and with that to abstain from my laptop for 3 months (except monday's). And after the 90day mark i will get 1 day more each 2 months, so over 13 months i will be good to go, being able to handle the desire and responsibility. I'm reading a lot these days, mostly Mark Manson articles and GQ videos. It is helping me in a way i couldnt imagine before. Normally i drown myself into every article that is about self develepment and any other that leans towards that. I'm picky now, thinking how i could apply it or i just forget it immediately. 

I think i can claim i'm past the point of only making plans. It's 50/50 now. I'm really glad about that. 

Sounds like you are doing well right now. Good work, good luck and carry on. 

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Thanks Ben!

This monday is a bit soggy, like the rest of past week. It's so hot and warm here and i'm plowing through every afternoon. Getting things on track feels good. I have had a lot of thoughts and insights this week. Writing it all down is a good way to get rid of all the unnessecary stuff. I i have progressed with my REWIRE collage. I will make a photo off it when i'm done, and i have to hurry because this week ill start more new stuff, implent a few things like an evening routine (to get my ass in bed at 10PM) and the habbit to walk, write and express myself always (because i tend to lock every thought in my mindvault). The why questions in my head are never gone tho. Sometimes i get in a dreary mood and i can't counter it very well yet. The question is always "why would i do this?" and/or "for who or what would i do it?". 

Sometimes i can grasp the life and sometimes i feel it pour through my fingers. oh, i remember the 1 insight that has me thinking very, very well. It's this:

i'm constantly evaluating myself. 

That came clear as water to me last week. And it feels really vulrenable and painful to think about it. I stumbled upon this quora question: https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-and-how-can-I-stop-myself-from-continuously-evaluating-myself-compare-myself-with-others-and-envy-others-success

That's what i will be busy with this week. Enjoy your week to.

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The utter emotions of feeling so shit that I wanna flush myself down the toilet is hard. I hit rockbottom, again. And again. And probably again in the future. It hurts to know that I’ll won’t be able to maintain my streak. I can’t even trust myself. I just don’t know how I will be next week.

Why is it always going up and down?  

I’m drowning in my thoughts and emotions. Something is not right but I cannot fix it. I can’t keep steady. How do I get over this?

It started with an unsure gut feeling that I can’t describe that good. And then I just installed 1 game. After that another, and the train started to ride the trail, unstoppable by any force. I think I made 16 hours, and after that 18. I’m not good at moderation. At least on anything media related, I know that. But this was just a bull breaking down my momentum and defenses, raging and destroying anything that I build up.

 Why is it so strong? I don’t understand it. From a distanced perspective I understand everything that happened, I can describe it. I do when I’m with my mental coach. But I cannot make all those good decisions I’m so enthusiastically about against him when I’m in that moment that I need to make them.

 The circle is complete. Now I’m calm, and clear in my head. But it won’t stay that way. Storm is coming. It never ends.. It never stops..

 Rick  

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Rick, Signing in.

I'm not where i wanna be, and gaming is the cause of that, or me gaming. Yesterday i started respawn again, going through it over and over and really trying to find myself again. I also found a accountability partner in like 5 seconds via discord, and i'm pretty stoked about that. I want to write here more again, and i want to trust the process. I want to leave this burden of failures and feeling shit.

I want to engage in everything, with energy and creativity, determination and willpower. I need to be in control myself, not my craving for gaming. 

Together with no-gaming i'm doing no-fap also, i can only acknowledge it ties into gaming so much, its entwined at a disturbing level. I expect to feel bored, lost and down over the next weeks, but i'm fine with that. My biggest trap will be that i don't double down but i will find excuses to reward myself with gaming because i'm going good, and i dont know how i can keep that in check, i'll guess i keep talking to my buddy, and keep naming that.

Regards

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Its' been a week. I have had time to think and read, and got many conclusions, but the one that sticks out now is that 

- i can't just change 1 thing. It will not be enough, i have to create alternatives for my extra time, and be Conscious about my mindset and the messed up paths in my head. 

I've got an accountibility partner now to, and it is a gamechanger i feel. I can talk whenever i want, just to have said it and expressed myself. Otherwise these plans and thoughts would fester and rot or dissappear in a cave of tons of information.

Today, and yesterday i went through such a strange train of emotions, from feeling depressed, to lonely to very very calm. And then the next morning i didn't know what to do and felt powerless, unable to change what i need to. But i'm calming myself by talking, and reading respawn again. Those first 3 lessons did wonders, i remembered the words but it came to me in a new and profound way. I guess i did make process in the last months, although it didn't feel like it. Otherwise i wouldnt have this anticipation on respawn, knowing what doesnt work for me anymore and finding a new way to apply the terms.

I will change.

I will change.

I will change.

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Pointers:

energy level. time management. activities to better myself, activities outside of self-improvement. 

emotions, cause and effect. And how to reverse the effect.

----------

I don't know what to write. It's all pointless. fuck i want to game so badly. i can't think of anything else. I made myself fake buy a gaming laptop, see how far i would go.

didn't really resolve anything. want to give in. why should i care about a life without gaming. it's what i'm good at so f*ck off. I feel angry, why should i not game? doesnt make sense anymore. 

 

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Misery is fine and all but not for anything longer then neccesary. i just need a challenge i think. I find life so boring. Its comfortable, but boring. Safe but boring, even socializing which i'm always a bit anxious about is boring. There is no thrill. 

I finished my simple sheet of replacing actions, but i do not have anything for this need. Maybe i ought to go camping a few times a week, or in the weekends. Might try that. Need to find a good spot.

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4 hours ago, Ironfly said:

I find life so boring. Its comfortable, but boring. Safe but boring, even socializing which i'm always a bit anxious about is boring. There is no thrill. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pgaJb2Wwhs

That line you wrote has resonated with me in the past, and the video I linked above was very helpful for me in this regard, especially because as I went through my previous detox and even now, I find it to be very true. To make a long story short, just give your brain time to settle from those insanely high dopamine levels you get from gaming and eventually you will find CREATIVE activities in the real world that can give you that sense of "thrill", if you keep looking.

Improvement Pill is a great YouTube channel.

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@JSmith thanks for that video. i watched entirely and it's difinitely what's happening to me now. Although i do think i'm already a bit into the proces. I'm clear of any gaming for roughly 5 weeks now, have decreased my youtube time with 90%. Porn is still a problem, i watched the noFap video on that channel to and it stated once again in clear arguments that it's  something you shouldnt do if you like your brain. 

I made a promise to my accountability partner that i would undertake a certain action if i watch porn again so i will keep my word this time. Actively planning my evenings and activities have had an impact already.

 

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I'm giving up. I'm sorry. I'm still quitting with porn but the rest, well i'm to tired. Can't muster anymore. Can lock this thread now.

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Fuck this. It doesn't work like that. I cant give up on myself. I did it. There is nothing there. i have to scream this everyday to myself. 

I'm just out of a relapse. I'm relapsing on and off. there is no control or discipline, i'm functioning on pure feeling and impulse.

Today i walked to the market. It was something i planned to do. i did it. Its a win in my book.

I'm realizing today, again that i can't make it work. I can't game and live a normal life. There is an "i" in gaming. I'm becoming this selfish, bitter person. I'm feeling resentment, judgement and angst. Its something i realize is happening but it doesn't seem i can control it. But i can. But the brain soup in my head is so tough. If i want to make progress, i'm sitting down to focus on something i can't. I'm blank. I feel almost nothing about 90% of my activities. It's also party my autism, i recognize that. But even then, i can't shield myself behind that. 

I do have something going on, and that is that I've been reading  a lot. On quora mostly but also some on Reddit in the /stopgaming sub, Mark Manson. Very specific stuff. If i get the vibe of an article i'll safe it.

Today is my turn day, again. You see, i say again but somehow i have been building up a lot of hate, like really 'hate' for repeated words and mind sets. I hate it so much that for a long time the past 6 months i'm just shoveling it to the side, week after week. But the commitment, the want, the desire to be gaming free is still there. It was waiting for the right moment. The build up has been done, there is a mountain of stuff i need to start being responsible for. I want to. I need to. 

This week it's been hectic, and strange.

First, i went to some sort of retreat. My mental coach asked me to be gone from my room for a week. I went to family. Very nice, very lovely people. I could talk to my aunt, she is very wise in my opinion and because it was my first time actually being in their house and with them i felt a lot of space to voice myself, to think deeply. That was 3 days.

After that i went for another 3 days to my parents. It was good but i knew in advance i couldn't think that much (i was making a lot of notes) and that is what happened. But it was still a blessing to be away from the distorted situation. 

Now here is the crazy thing. I felt pretty clean in my head when i came back. And i just relapsed in the blink of an eye. I didn't see people for 3 days, 2 whole. 

Ugh, this feels good to get off my chest. Okay, so why am i here? because yesterday i read an answer on quora that kinda opened my eyes to quit again.

https://www.quora.com/Is-it-possible-to-recover-from-Borderline-Personality-Disorder this one. Its brian barnetts answer (first one probably).

 

He is talking about core beliefs. First, i can relate to some points of his, but mostly to the parts where he is explaining the child hood trauma, how enabling something can have the same bad effects as a beating dad and how you, or i can put my life in perspective, where i am now, saying with honesty that my parents are responsible for the person i was when i left home, the good and bad. and how i myself am responsible for the outcome from that point. Thats roughly my translation. What does this mean to me?

I understand his meaning about the distorted core beliefs. i have those inside of me. I have autism, not borderline personality but i feel his words in my heart.

I'm going to journal every day, in the evening around 1930 and i'm going to dug. I want to understand this, i want to do this. I'm going to observe myself, i'm going to see what happens throughout the day, how i react to different situations, how i communicate and how all that relates to my core beliefs.

I'm also setting myself up for archievement. repeating respawn. Starting this journal again. Sometimes blogging again. get distance again from all things gaming, building momentum.

And i will tinker with a template for my journal. Structure, order, regularity.    

Okay, this is nice. I think i communicated everything i wanted to for day one. I just came from a coffee break. 

 

I'm going to name my distorted core beliefs. 

Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.

Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).

 

To be honest, this feels weird to write down and to acknowledge. However, i can relate so much to these 2 beliefs. The constant stream of thoughts about myself, all mostly negative. Especially his explanation about the piece of shit, dressed up nicely and all but still a piece of shit reminds me of how much i have thought and felt this, either unconsciously or consciously. 

I want to work from this. I understand there is a gap between having bpd and autism, but why do i feel like he is talking to me in this answer? thats really my only argument and why i want to work from this basis from now on. It gives me something to hold on to. Something i can work with, and where i can start whenever i will stagnate, or relapse again. I will fall back on this, and i will understand myself, and i will start giving myself love and acknowledgement.

The  rest of the article i'm not going to explain here. I will relate all my journals from now on to the same basis again however. I will try to notice what happens throughout the day, i'll relate that to my core beliefs and i'm going to work at it.

https://qr.ae/TUtgzx

This is my second starting article. Simple. Its also a basis. I want to stop doing shit, stop making bad choices. Also, i want to love myself and acknowledge the mess i'm in.

I actually have observed i have a freakishly hard time with this. The perfection, the starting over mentality from a clean slate.

Some time ago i actually went into discord and asked around if i should start a new journal topic. Just because i wanted to feel like i was starting over. I recognize that so much in my gaming habits. Whenever it goes bad, i want to start over. If it doesnt feel perfect, i want to start over. Sometimes i do a small cheat (single player only, hold your horses) to give me starting over power by deleting every building or whatever is in need or repair, and i cheat the money or stats or something else to give me my perfection back. I don't see this as something bad, but it is limiting myself by not having some realistic perspective. All the other posts before this one in my journal? imperfect. I want to learn to embrace it, to life with it. To acknowledge my dumb mistakes, the thoughts and beliefs based on the perspective that i'm worth nothing. That i can't do this. All the better posts, showing progress? sure, you're also a part of me. I can be very conscious about my progress, my thinking.  

I have to go. This is going well. More tomorrow.

Hello world, hello life...

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Welcome back. It looks like you've had quite the struggle with gaming over the years, but the fact you've come back here means that you're tracking in the right direction.

I'd love to hear about your goals for the future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What's going to take the place of gaming besides reading on the internet?

I hope I'll find out these answers in your future posts. 🙂 See you tomorrow!

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11 hours ago, Deku said:

Welcome back. It looks like you've had quite the struggle with gaming over the years, but the fact you've come back here means that you're tracking in the right direction.

I'd love to hear about your goals for the future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What's going to take the place of gaming besides reading on the internet?

I hope I'll find out these answers in your future posts. 🙂 See you tomorrow!

yep, will park this quote above my post so i can get to those questions.

First i'm going to make my template. I'll start with my 2 core beliefs, and how i have related to them today.

 

Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.

Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).

Shit. i need to go. I will make this journal tomorrow morning, and still follow my schedule of doing one in the evening.

 

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It's night, I woke up. Might as well get some thoughts out. 

Yesterday I started to make an essay about the core beliefs article, and it hit me that even if I wanted to, I don't relate a 100% to the I'm worthless and void etc. I don't have bipolar personality disorder. 

And that made me doubt if this is even the right approach. But I also know those thoughts. They don't end in anything. They just are. And I'm going to leave that for now. Because I relapsed in porn. And that was something I didn't foresee, but I also choose to not ask help. Because I was over thinking, "why would they help me", "thats not their problem". Those thoughts lead me back to "I'm not worth it". And there you go. That's how I relate today to my core belief. 

That's how I'm going to do it. Observe, notice, think and choose new thoughts and approaches to my problems. The old stuff has been tried, it doesn't work. I will not let it hold sway over me. I will change, slowly. 

I'm glad that's out there. 

Okay, I need to remember this. The third concept for my template is if I tried to be perfect again in the day. Its so sneaky how I'm making myself so this. Its okay but I want to notice if I do this because its limiting to the stuff I want to do. 

I think I did it with exercise these 2 days. I dont like the cold in the evening, so I'm thinking very frequently about "let's start tomorrow fresh in the morning". This way I get no exercise done, and although I truly plan to do it in the morning sleep has been a barricade. And I don't think that's how I build discipline. I should exercise and adjust accordingly to the day, but I should do it. Don't like the word should tho. So I'll just do it from now on. If im not exercising in the morning I will plan it another time that day before 9pm.

Nice. That sounds nice. 

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Hey Iron,

Sorry to hear about your relapse with porn and the struggles you've been experiencing.  I'm new to your thread so I don't know your full journey yet.  I just wanted to say that I think porn has been more difficult to quit than video games.  I am 8 weeks free of gaming and I can't go a few days without porn.  It's terrible.  I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect with these daily routines instead of gaming.  It's like walking on a balance rope in the air and the ground is playing video games and watching porn.  One false step and we just fall into it again and can't get out.  I'm starting to think of different mindsets that work.  Like turning around and just driving to another town.  That way you can't fall back into town again and do your old habits unless you purposely go there.  If we walk on this tightrope of perfection and worry about falling all the time then we're going to fall.  All of those acrobats succeed because they don't fear falling. 

I'm sorry if my analogy is stupid, but try to forgive yourself and not get angry.  I'm being a hypocrite because I just wrote a piece about how I exploded in anger today.  But don't let that be an example.  If we can forgive our past selves and love our future selves then the present day choices can be easier on us.

Good luck,

Matt

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I wanted to really journal today. Here i am.

Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.

Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).

I think i'm actually free today. I have not made an observation about me feeling not worth it.

I was throughout the day a bit tired, very early awake. I went to coffee. We played a board game. I cleaned. I ate. I had a very good day.

I want to talk about some stuff. First off, we are going into the work week. with my commitment comes responsibility and i'm anxious about my feelings, whenever i need to own up to my stuff. I did some stupid things like not calling back, lying etcetera and now i have some hard conversations coming up. I know i will want to avoid and flee. I'm not going to do that. 

 

Okay, good to have that off my chest.

I'm going to do respawn again, aswell. I can do some of the steps to bring back the influence of gaming. I mainly need to reread everything, and follow some left over steps. I have done youtube, i can still delete my steam account and i think i need to do it. umm.. i have still a game from gog installed. I feel resistance. this will do pain to give it up. I'm going to evaluate this later, putting it on the bottom.

Evaluate items for 22/23 december:

Sleep pattern, how well did i sleep? did i go to bed consistently,  am i happy about the state of it or do desire to change it?

My use of discord. Right now its in a sweet spot where i hang out in the evening. However, if i'm restless and i start to use it to fill hours i want to change my use of it.

nofap; specificely, how did i deal with cravings? do i need to remind myself of the small steps that are involved? do i need to reread the reddit answer?

Did i set myself up for failure at some point? did i let something go that i shoulnd thave? did i commit edging?

last, and best; Did i forgive myself, do i forgive myself now?

Do i need to delete my game from gog?

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On 12/15/2018 at 7:29 AM, Deku said:

Welcome back. It looks like you've had quite the struggle with gaming over the years, but the fact you've come back here means that you're tracking in the right direction.

I'd love to hear about your goals for the future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What's going to take the place of gaming besides reading on the internet?

I hope I'll find out these answers in your future posts. 🙂 See you tomorrow!

As promised, answers that are going to help envision my future.

What is it you want to achieve? 

Who do you want to become?

Whats going to take place instead of gaming?

These 3 questions im' going to put into my template, so i see them every journal. i like this idea. So many times you lose vision of the why, but with i keep myself grounded in anwers i believed in at the moment of writing. If need should raise, i can change it.

Right now, i need to go however. I will make these answers tomorrow, either whole or partly.

Today was a good day. I will write more about how i'm loathing already  a little bit the upcoming month(s).

Cheers.

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