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Rick Boon

Daily Journal - Rick

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Hi everyone,

Today is my second day of quitting, and according to the plan i need to start a journal. Couldn't get it out yesterday because i somehow went stuck on what title i should give my journal. I did however already a fair amount of reading in other journals and topics. Try to soak it in, step by step. So i will just dive in.

Day 2

Yesterday and today i still cannot believe what i did. What i exactly did was deleting my characters in-game. Previous attempts of quitting i always just de-installed my games. This time it feels like ripping my own flesh from my body, but still with a very neutral, detached feeling. Like it didn't happen for real. Since i took the step in my mind, and applied it i feel ... um.. a bit blank, gray. I do my thing throughout the day, i'm not thinking yet about my games, only once in a while a thought will occur in my mind, like how it felt or looked like. I feel the urgency however to start building 'momentum' like it was mentioned a few times. 

My process until now: i have seen the first 2 videos of module one. I discovered the worksheets, which i'm going to practice from this day on. I also just purchased the "challenge", and i'm reading right now the Challenge first pages. Everything that i feel is important to me i write down on my notebook, that lays before my laptop.

um.. tomorrow i will explain a bit more how i'm going to use and write this journal. I have seen a lot of examples on other people's posts, but i need to think more about my approach, atleast i think so :) Right now i'm having a hard time, as i do not yet understand to who i'm talking to. Myself? the crowd? 

I need to go. I will update this journal évery day. I like short but powerful updates, so no text walls from me. 

 

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Rick! You're the man. I really appreciate you grabbing both Respawn and the Challenge. Means a lot.

The more you can dive in the better. A big part of what we try to cultivate here is about getting off the sidelines and in the game - no pun intended. It's about embracing your role as the player in your life, instead of lurking. The best way I've found at least to do this is by taking action as quickly as possible. 

Find your cadence and allow things to evolve over time. This is your space to share and write. Excited to follow along. :)

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The character deletion is an important step. I am proud of you for choosing yourself and taking this dive. I wasn't as dedicated as you when I first quit and on my second week I had to log back in to delete what was still connecting me to my games. One of the best things I think I did for myself. 

Look forward to reading your journals, welcome to the community Rick

Also you can change your topic name any time you like if you think of something way rad ;) just edit the main post.

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Alright, time to take action.

Day 3

I'm setting up before my laptop. The last 2 days i always start writing in the evening. In my journal and sometimes the forum. I think i like it to have a specific time to do this stuff.

  • Starting doing Worksheet number 1 fundamentals (didnt understand how to do them yet. but just saw the button: 'fill in and sign' or whatever, its in dutch hehe). 
  • Reading this: "you have a structured way to find your sense of purpose, a goal and mission to work towards" holy cow. that's all written over myself, branded into my brain. real insight.
  • Added 1 personal reason why i played games: "I can be the hero, my fantasy becomes for a part real (got a lot of fantasy, used to ventilate it into writing blogs, stories and chapters for a book).
  • Finished worksheet 1. starting worksheet 2 fundamentals. Finished worksheet 2

I also thought more about my way of using this journal. I'm not gonna sum up what i do the whole day. I use lists all the time, in my agenda or a blank sheet. So thats not me. Anyone has some tips however what i should consider adding to my journal everyday? or once a week? A little bit lost here about what comes in handy or not.

EDIT: just listening and reading to Poweroff module and worksheet. It really suggest "Delete your steam account", man, my stomach is turning. What if i don't do that? will it hold me back? i'm also reading a post of a guy that suggest 'handing' it over to a friend or family member. I'm gonna go with that option. 

I'm going to bed.

Edited by Ironfly

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Hey Rick,

Nice to see your journal on here. I haven't started doing so myself as the process is a little daunting to me. I see you also purchased the challenge module. Already skimmed through it a bit, but have decided not to go at it as well at the moment (probably for the same reason). I'm still on the fence on whether or not I want an accountability partner, but I will also actively follow your updates. I don't have any tips for journal keeping as I'm also looking for tips myself, but I found this method a while ago and hope it interests you.

http://bulletjournal.com/

I like the creative freedom you as a writer/artist have with this method and even though it's not perfect (especially for future and recurring tasks) the structural part and rules seem like they'll do me very good (eg. rapid logging). I also feel like I wont obsess about a perfect app this way. <- While writing this I'm really starting to question my recent smartphone purchase. :P

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One of the concepts we talk a lot about here @Osei and @Ironfly is the notion of The Slight Edge - how the little things we do every day add up over time. This can be a + or - but either way, the small things we do add up. So it's more important to post each day and share something than to post something big, just like it's better to post something than to post nothing. Allow this process to evolve and improve over time. You don't have to go from zero to hero today, focus on having a good day in the way you can each day and over a week, a month, a year you'll look back and be blown away at how far you've come. (Read the other journals for insight into this.)

Just keep going, one day at a time. :)

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oooooh, dat makes it a lot more clear Cam!

Day 4 (morning)

It's sunday. I'm enjoying the morning with a cup of coffee, relaxing music and reading some news. I just sent an email to my family, about my quitting. It starts to slowly blend in into my mind..

So i asked yesterday my younger brother to take over my steam account. He responded this morning that he can do that. Just need to figure out now hów exactly, but that shouldnt give any obstacles.

And i just had a very bizarre moment. Was looking out of my french doors? (got almost no yard but 2 doors from my room to the ramp of the neighbours) and i saw my dwarf character outside pointing at me, talking to his other appearances (had like 7 different outfits). Ofcourse it was my fantasy, but it was fun and motivating at the same time, like they where scared.

Oh, and before i forget (meant to write this in yesterday's journal), i'm really curious how today will be going. Usually the weekends are my biggest pitfall. No structure from the week (coffee breaks, work in the morning). Just a big hole. Ofcourse yesterday did go very well, but today i will be working at my laptop most of the time, for researching my study, writing a bit, etc. You will hear in my evening journal how it went. 

Right now i'm going to do one more lesson of respawn, and explore the challenge. I planned to do that already, but time was my enemy.

 

Wish everyone else also a good day!

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Oh, and before i forget (meant to write this in yesterday's journal), i'm really curious how today will be going. Usually the weekends are my biggest pitfall. No structure from the week (coffee breaks, work in the morning). Just a big hole.

This is an important point to identify. Normally on weekends you lose your structure and that spirals into reactive living. You are bored and have a lot of empty time so naturally you end up trying to entertain yourself (escape boredom).

The other way to live is to be proactive. That means you are aware and see ahead of time that you will lose your structure on the weekend and instead of just trying to survive it, you plan ahead (module five of Respawn) and ensure you have structure on the weekend.

For example, today is Sunday, here is my schedule:

8am: Wake up, Shower, Etc.
8:30am:
Quick Breakfast 
10am: Work (doing this now)
11am: go get a few things printed + drive
12pm: meet with landlord
12:30pm-2:00pm: record new video, edit, upload
2:00pm: Drive + Whole Foods
2:30pm: Meet at friends place for Superbowl
3:30pm: Superbowl party

8:00pm: Head home, work a bit, rest, sleep

So as you can see, I was working a bit today on a Sunday but nothing too crazy, only a few hours. But if I just woke up and hoped to get all of this done it would have fallen off for sure and I'd be scrambling tomorrow.

A bit more intentionality in your day is the gamechanger. :)

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Day 5

Alright, i'm going to insert some of that Cam.

So yesterday i planned to share in the evening to. However i came to hear the tragic news of the dead of someone i knew. Not close, but she worked on the terrain, the same project as i do. I had to process that. I had a good day despite the news. I worked a little, did a lot of organizing and called my sister, who will almost give birth to my second nephew. Lot of mixed feelings as i recall.

Today i'm pretty relaxed, and calm. No game thoughts, no urge for gaming. I came to understand that the challenge is an additional course, áfter respawn? Of course i will do it, but now i'll just wait until i'm done with Respawn. I like the pace i'm going at right now. I had some other rehab periods, and the first week(s) was/were always fantastic. Now i'm going slower, and i think i'm doing better thereby.

What i will do this evening:

  1. Doing 1 or 2 lessons of Respawn.
  2. Searching for a fitting study. First i wanted to join the police. But stories on the forum made me realize that it is really hard to get in. So i will not set my hopes only on that. I need a good second choice.

Have a great week everyone! 

EDIT: I'm feeling freaking petulant right now, very irritable. I want to have people around me, just having someone next to me on the couch but not feeling any need to talk. Want to punch something. Some game thoughts come up, but not much, and not in a stream.

Edited by Ironfly

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I wish I could do Respawn. No, wait, I'm done with self-help - that's why I'm succeeding with my addictions. But I'll continue reading your journal from time to time, to see how it works for you.

I remember I got rid of my blizzard account, just like you got rid of your characters. What kept me from gaming then, was that I would have to buy the game again if I wanted to play. Have I only deleted the characters, I would make new ones in a few days.

Anyway, good luck.

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I wish I could do Respawn. No, wait, I'm done with self-help - that's why I'm succeeding with my addictions. But I'll continue reading your journal from time to time, to see how it works for you.

I remember I got rid of my blizzard account, just like you got rid of your characters. What kept me from gaming then, was that I would have to buy the game again if I wanted to play. Have I only deleted the characters, I would make new ones in a few days.

Anyway, good luck.

Deleted all my chars once. Came back, made a ticket, got everything back in 20 minutes. I'd say the best way is to either get yourself perma banned or sell your account (somewhat risky, but people do it all the time through middlemen on certain forums).

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EDIT: I'm feeling freaking petulant right now, very irritable. I want to have people around me, just having someone next to me on the couch but not feeling any need to talk. Want to punch something. Some game thoughts come up, but not much, and not in a stream.

Go to the gym and lift some weights. :)

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Day 6

I'm feeling tired the whole day. I slept like 4 hours last night. Also i'm having these strange calm moments. I was almost bored today, i recognized that because my i was almost going to surf on the web for some browsergames. Then i noticed my thinking. 

Since yesterday i'm less angry, but still have a little bit left. It's mainly because i feel unable to make a connection with a girl i like. I did yesterday evening however my best manner to process intens anger or deep sadness (had that last one this afternoon), and that was to write my feeling down on paper. I .. had some other things i wanted to write in this journal, but i just forgot them. Oh, i did this evening the next module, which was "Fill the void". I think it came right in time, because it was about answering the right moods wiht the right activities. I feel actually good about that, because i have already much something like that, its a lost of things i can do, i splitted them in "regular" (at weekly base) and "un-regular" (is that a word?). With this module, i can even better reply certain situations. I will write and print those 5 sentences of what activity to do in what situation and hang it on my wall.

Thx for your tip Cam, it's a little bit funny for me, because i never thought of that, but it is exactly what i could do in such a mood. I actually had a vague plan to join a gym, using a discount payment plan with a friend (we live in the same building).

That's all for now. I'm going to bed, sleep well, me and you.

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Day 7

Thinks start to crumble. I'm feeling numb and tired throughout the day. No energy. I went into 'do-it-later-' mode and skipped most of the stuff i had planned. I had a small relapse and searched for some browser games. Trying not to be harsh on myself.

Day 8

I maintained my day structure (getting out of bed on time etc). The whole day i'm mostly in my head. Lots of thoughts, like "am i giving up now, already?" or "i can still turn this around, get back on track". Massive battle going on in my mind. I'm not having a hard time to resist gaming today, but i'm feeling more often 'bored', 'tired and wanna relax' or just having some hiccups entertaining myself. I think (and in my heart i know so) i need to take more action. Like writing down the activities (that is the current worksheet i'm on now) to answer my moods, and to summarize all the stuff i have written down so far, then i want to print some useful tips and hang that on my bulletin board. One of the few good moments today is that i got my whiteboard this morning. I have big plans for it, not specifically for GameQuitters, but also to finish my week-plan. I will actually make a photo of it when its finished, will help to actually do it. Not going to say anything more, i'm tired and going to bed.

Tomorrow i'm going to do:

  • the next lesson of respawn + worksheet
  • stay committed to my agenda
  • place my whiteboard

At last, i had a good idea to add to my journal. Others have a gratitude list or 'being thankfull for' list. I came up with a "Things that made me smile today" list. Here you go.

 

Things that made me smile today:

  1.  I watched the movie “finding neverland”. I smiled when i saw the writer playing with children, i saw him enjoy it. I felt happy. I felt like “that’s me”. I like to play with children also and be someone who can still 'play', not in a childish way but in a children's way.

 

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All of the thoughts you're having are questions you're asking yourself. The good thing about that is that YOU GET TO GIVE YOURSELF THE ANSWER. This is about building mental toughness and resilience.

Are you quitting?

NO. My determination is stronger than ever. It grows stronger every time I ask myself if I'm quitting. That sort of thing. ;)

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All of the thoughts you're having are questions you're asking yourself. The good thing about that is that YOU GET TO GIVE YOURSELF THE ANSWER. This is about building mental toughness and resilience.

Are you quitting?

NO. My determination is stronger than ever. It grows stronger every time I ask myself if I'm quitting. That sort of thing. ;)

I'm so new to stuff like this. thanks for your help

EDIT: your video "how to get out of the funk" helped me actually this morning to take action again. 

Edited by Ironfly

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Day 9

It's friday. I'm having a good time. Being busy with chores, groceries and the coming of a visitor. I had to apologize to her because i left our contact die. It was very relaxed, and we had some good talks. 

Nothing more to say about it. I feel good

Day 10

Today i just stopped. 

  • Installed 1 game, played for a few hours
  • Lot of thoughts, can't get anything done.
  • Went to bed very late.

I'm aware that i'm going into that negative spiral. I just hope tomorrow will be better.

Day 11

Woke up with a beautiful view. SNOW! We almost didn't have any, but i felt so happy this morning because of it. 

  • Went from Game-mode, out of my head to "how much and what activities wil i do today in the snow?"
  • Going outside. Having a great time, building a snowman, and sitting on a sleigh that my neighbours rigged up behind one of their 2 ponies! After that i started to build the snowbed from the video, in which i later on jumped at. Love to do stunts like that when i'm happy.

When i went into my room after that, i had stil installed my game. I played it for 3 hours straight. Constantly being reminded by my conscience about the deathtrap i'm about to jump in. Then out of nothing i get that vibe, that i need to quit, and get my shit together. So i dissociate myself in my head from the game, and ask my younger brother to finish the transfer of my steam account to him. I'm now waiting for him on skype. Gonna do 1 worksheet and i'm going to organize my whiteboard! I'm motivated to do that, because i want to show a picture of it and feel good about the whole thing for a bit.

That's all for now. Wish you, reader, a good week.

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Thanks for sharing Rick. Any idea how you were feeling before you started installing the game again?

I think i felt mainly nostalgia. the kind of thinking back to your child days for example, no worries or anything you need to get done, just play the whole day. Because i'm more in the present now (atleast i don't numb my feelings with gaming anymore) i'm more tired in the evenings, after dinner and my willpower is surely a muscle i need to train more. Today i had a great day, but i wanna get into bed. I update tomorrow.

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So freaking tired from myself, and angry. Played 1 game for 3 days now. So fucking angry about why i keep coming back to this waste of time. I'm going to take action this evening again.

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Hey Rick. If you haven't seen this video on how to deal with gaming nostalgia that's a good place to start. 

Ultimately, there is rarely going to be an urgent need to get things done right away. So it's always going to be easy to justify just playing a game or two or three because there isn't anything else that really needs to get done anyways. But it's not about that. It's about making a conscious choice to do the things that you want to do.

Keep following the steps I outline in Respawn, they work if you work them. :)

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