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Ben

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About Ben

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  1. Thanks for the encouragement guys. Means a lot. I think I went about this the wrong way. I don't know if anybody else has read it but the people behind that RescueTime application made a cool document about how to achieve goals better. It's silly how badly I went about it. Oh well, at least I didn't go back to gaming. I think if I stick to small but consistent steps and realistic short term goals I can do this properly. Who cares if it takes 1 year or 50 years, I know what I want and how to get there, just need to go at my own pace. Today was insanely stressful. I was so angry most of the time. I switched to my new youtube channel and am trying not to watch too many videos and if so, they have to be motivation or life gurus so that is a big problem so far. Going on there was my #1 stress relief. Luckily I calmed down a bit by the afternoon and started coding. I really like the way code academy works. Would be great to have an equivalent for other hobbies too. Half way through the first course which is pretty good so far. Now I need to get a social hobby. Many motivators including Cam have talked about emotional intelligence, well I can tell now that one of the causes of my depression is loneliness. I guess it is obvious when you are an introvert but it is a lot more clear now. Hard to describe what I mean but hopefully you understand lol. I'm thinking maybe I should join local MMA training since you also get the fitness side and it would help me feel safer around town. Hopefully my family lets me lol. Tomorrow I want to keep working on my 2nd video.
  2. I am not quitting or anything but the reason I haven't been updating is because I have started to feel stressed, tired and insecure. I'm having a real hard time. I will try to update weekly instead and see how that goes.
  3. Thank you Cam. Day 3 (Saturday and Sunday were more planning out this journey) - Successfully worked through my to-do list today. Got up nice and early, went for a walk, came home and shaved + brushed teeth, Worked on my first youtube video (really happy with it so far), did some pushups and had dinner. Decided my task today would be go to the movies on my own. Not really healthy but I more went for the 30 minute walk there and back plus the short talk with the ticket/snack guys and being around people in the room. Plus I've never really gone anywhere on my own. The nerves did stack up before I left the house but other than that had no issues. Was today a success? Yes. I proved to myself I can be happy on my own. Stood out of my comfort zone. Going to the cinema probably isn't a big deal to most people but, well I don't care lol. A few thoughts about games but no serious urges. Just need to make sure not to overextend myself too much. Don't want to crash and burn.
  4. Sounds like you are doing well right now. Good work, good luck and carry on.
  5. Thanks and hopefully I can end up the same way.
  6. On Friday I came back from my doctor's appointment annoyed that nothing had been fixed. Over the last few months I have had a few talks with my GP about concentration that stopped me from doing what I wanted to. Well in my last appointment they told me in a friendly manner that this didn't seem to be a medical issue and that I had just wired my brain to surf the internet and play games all day and needed to get out more. Now I wasn't upset they said this as I already knew it, but I thought I must have had ADHD or some other issue that took the blame off myself and onto my brain so pumping myself full of meds would solve it. Being denied that diagnosis messed me up pretty bad, for a little while at least. Now I realise this was the kick up the butt that I needed. Not only were they 100% right, but they had told me more about myself than I had realised in the last 3 years. Not only am I addicted to sitting here at my computer, surfing the net and gaming but I also have all the tools to change that. Not only am I slacking with my passion projects but I have every reason to try harder than ever. I didn't realise anxiety and discomfort were natural, I saw them as an excuse. I didn't realise the pain and depression I suffer when I'm alone was a symptom and not an cloud following me around. I am anti-social? That means I don't have to go outside, right? Hell no. I am not talented, so that means I don't have to try hard, right? Hell no. All the self-improvement talk is now clicking. Everything these gurus say is starting to make sense. I feel like my eyes are open for the first time in 3 years. Perhaps for the first time ever. As I describe the way I feel about games, I realised something. I liked the idea of gaming, but I didn't like gaming. I am no longer going to be that kid that waited all day at school to go home and play Call of Duty until night. I am no longer going to be that guy who keeps doing these stupid meaningless tasks just because they are presented in a shiny packaging. I am no longer the person I thought I was. Gaming isn't my identity. My usernames are not my identity. I realise that now and it doesn't scare. Games don't want what's best for me and I now see that clearly. I am slowly selling all my games, deleting accounts and uninstalling clients. I won't be a slave to Steam anymore. I had a list of games that I was looking forward to. I convinced myself these would be the ones that reignite that flame of my life again. I was deluded. I will work. I will socialise. I will have passion for what I do and I will have fun. I will become human again. Now I just need to be careful not to trade one addiction for another, or to crash and burn and return to routine.
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