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Ending the Loop


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Day 93.

Short reflection on what's happening right now, personally:

Ohh, not feeling so good right now. Gaming urges not there whatsoever today- there is some gaming-related stuff that is personally exciting that is happening today, but it does not create any urges to play. However, I've had massive issues with social media and TV Shows today. Probably around an hour total, and some of that time was filled with guilt. I really want to get better- I want to quit the show altogether right now, and focus on doing other things. It is impossible for me at the moment to feel no guilt while watching this show- it has been helpful to me in the past, but currently it is just a timesink. I have books to read, school work to do, and projects to develop. 

Good things from today:

  • I've got a bunch of mail- some important things like a phone case and Apple Pencil Cap Replacement. 
  • Classes are fun, I got into all the classes I wanted despite some waitlists/confusion!
  • I am overall productive. Today has been a small letdown, but it is only two in the afternoon- I've got 8 more hours to do what I want to do.
  • The weather is nice 🙂

Things I am nervous about:

  • Forgetting to ask my partner to screentime limit Amazon Video- that's how I'm watching the TV show. I really do not want it in my life right now
  • Finding another time sink tomorrow instead of working hard- an update for one of the games I still pay attention to is coming out tomorrow. I need to jeep myself in check and not spend all day thinking about that,
  • Not supporting my partner enough- she has not been eating very much lately, and often skips meals because she is "lazy". I want her to take care of herself, but am not sure how to address it properly 😞
  • Not being able to focus well. I've been getting distracted easily today, not suppressing any urges.

Random thought:

I do not know why I am struggling to keep myself focused/in check. When I was watching the TV show just a few minutes ago, I struggled to turn it off on time, and kept watching although it was no longer enjoyable whatsoever. Why do I behave this way, still, after so many years of hating such behavior, and after over 3 months of not playing video games? I don't think that I dislike myself or want myself to fail any longer, and it seems like I do have things I am genuinely passionate about. Is this just a lack of willpower?

 

Po

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Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6

No Games: 37. Having urges, but I know I am too busy and can't let it slip. I do want to just sit down and relax for 20-30 minutes, but can not allow that to happen right now. After all, spending some

ALRIGHT LET"S DO IT TODAYYYYY Yesterday I was quite lazy- I got things done but the quality was meh. Finally caught up with my to-do list though, so today I can start fresh yeeeahhh!!  Showe

1 hour ago, Pochatok said:

I've got a bunch of mail- some important things like a phone case and Apple Pencil Cap Replacement. 

Oh dude, Apple Pencil cap gives me chills. When I was in Paris 2 years ago, I used to take my iPad everywhere with me to activate Uber scooters (couldn’t use my phone, ‘cause activation process required camera, but I fucked up mine while repairing my phone from liquid damage). So, I have a Pro model where pencil sticks on magnets to the side, and while putting my iPad to my backpack, I accidentally disconnected the pencil and it fell down on the ground, but I didn’t notice. A few minutes later, I was walking on the same spot, saw an Apple pencil on the ground and thought “damn, someone lost his Apple pencil, so unfortunate”. And then “hol up, wait a second, lemme check mine” and “holy fuck, how could this happen?!”. So yeah, my pencil cap was damaged to shit, guess it fell right on it. Hopefully I managed to buy 5 caps for $3 on AliExpress and everything is fine since then. So yeah, watch out for your cap and stay safe. 
 

P.S. Are you fine with me using bad language in your journal? Since I’ve learnt English mostly from extremely toxic online games, where people insults each other without holding back, I’m used to someone words that people might find offensive. Perhaps I should reconsider how I write and speak English and learn some manners. 

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3 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Oh dude, Apple Pencil cap gives me chills. When I was in Paris 2 years ago, I used to take my iPad everywhere with me to activate Uber scooters (couldn’t use my phone, ‘cause activation process required camera, but I fucked up mine while repairing my phone from liquid damage). So, I have a Pro model where pencil sticks on magnets to the side, and while putting my iPad to my backpack, I accidentally disconnected the pencil and it fell down on the ground, but I didn’t notice. A few minutes later, I was walking on the same spot, saw an Apple pencil on the ground and thought “damn, someone lost his Apple pencil, so unfortunate”. And then “hol up, wait a second, lemme check mine” and “holy fuck, how could this happen?!”. So yeah, my pencil cap was damaged to shit, guess it fell right on it. Hopefully I managed to buy 5 caps for $3 on AliExpress and everything is fine since then. So yeah, watch out for your cap and stay safe. 
 

P.S. Are you fine with me using bad language in your journal? Since I’ve learnt English mostly from extremely toxic online games, where people insults each other without holding back, I’m used to someone words that people might find offensive. Perhaps I should reconsider how I write and speak English and learn some manners. 

Haha thank you for sharing! I totally know what you mean- I've lost not the pencil itself, but the caps sooo many times. The thing is, the pencil ain't mine even 😮 So glad I got new ones before I had a chance to drop the pencil and break it for good heh. 

And yes I am totally okay man, language is language. The words themselves aren't toxic whatsoever, it depends on how you use them- and this is totally okay in my opinion. I think that your english is amazing!

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Day 94.

Quick reflection on gaming:

Some strong urges today- two of the 3 games development of which I still follow released big updates. The third one will release on tomorrow. Have been getting urges from reading the patchnotes in the beginning of the day, pretty strong ones.
But, after watching just a bit of gameplay my urges weakened, as I got rather upset- just looking at people who treat gaming as a career/professional hobby makes me sad. I feel bad for those people, because they are spending hours and hours on something that does not make them significantly happier or betters their life.

Short Reflection on mental health from today:

Yesterday at night I entered this completely weird state where I was feeling simply uncomfortable physically, with no pain/itchiness or anything that I'd be able to pinpoint. It was just a sense of discomfort of, I guess, having/being in a body? It persisted for quite a bit, and made me freak out. I had difficulty falling asleep. 

Today I felt just fine for most part, even exercised for a bit. However, not getting much sleep, and having the paragraph above hovering over my head(that discomfort is still lingering within, brrrr) has made me quite unable to focus well today (in addition to being distracted by gaming as well). 

Overall, not too bad, since I stayed fairly productive for most of the day, but also not great- could have been more focused.

Good things from today:

  • I am enjoying watching Haikyu! Has its issues but a fun show overall. 
  • I have exercised a bit and it made me happy
  • My partner recently gave me a gift and it has made me happy
  • Although the games have been distracting, I am happy for the developers for making such an amazing product. Hope they are proud of/happy with their work. 
  • Had some tacos an hour or so ago. Yum
  • Have been doing HW mostly on time. Not falling behind anywhere, being on top of it.

Random thought:

Sometimes I am completely out of control. Like, there is not a single thing I can do to change whatever the issue at hand is; even time itself will not make a difference, or at least it feels like it. Like, neither I have control over the issue, neither anything else- it will just persist forever. Scary, but it does happen. Just acknowledging that some monsters under the bed are real helps me fear them less I suppose.

Po

 

 

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Hey Po

Congratulations on completing the detox! I am proud with how far you've come!

20 hours ago, Pochatok said:

But, after watching just a bit of gameplay my urges weakened, as I got rather upset- just looking at people who treat gaming as a career/professional hobby makes me sad. I feel bad for those people, because they are spending hours and hours on something that does not make them significantly happier or betters their life.

Yeah I have thought this too. It just seems disgusting to me I guess that streamers and video creators can make money by just playing games. Of course learning how to stream and edit a video and record and stuff takes some effort and time, but overall these people are getting rich with practically no hard work whatsoever. It also disappoints me that they are wasting their life playing games when they could participate in a marathon or 5k, or explore the world or something, yet they're all cooped up in their house. But we can't change everyone's minds.

Besides that, glad you had a good day today, it's good to hear you're not falling behind on work.

Best 

Jason

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1 hour ago, Jason70 said:

Hey Po

Congratulations on completing the detox! I am proud with how far you've come!

Yeah I have thought this too. It just seems disgusting to me I guess that streamers and video creators can make money by just playing games. Of course learning how to stream and edit a video and record and stuff takes some effort and time, but overall these people are getting rich with practically no hard work whatsoever. It also disappoints me that they are wasting their life playing games when they could participate in a marathon or 5k, or explore the world or something, yet they're all cooped up in their house. But we can't change everyone's minds.

Besides that, glad you had a good day today, it's good to hear you're not falling behind on work.

Best 

Jason

It doesn't really disgust me per se, as I do see how and why they manage to make money; they do put effort in their work, and I think that all effort deserves $. However, what makes me sad is that they not only do not choose to do something better like you say, but also encourage others to do the same. And the thing is, while for them gaming has an actual positive impact on their life, to some extent, the people watching them, who probably game as well, do not get anything truly valuable out of it. 

However, this all goes down in a spiral for me- streamers and youtube gaming stuff only exists because the games themselves encourage such things. Competition, simple entertainment, addictive loops and all such things is what makes certain games popular on twitch; my favorite games barely, if at all, show up on there. Those games that encourage the player to value real world more, to apply real-life activities into the gaming process and vice versa- thus making whoever is watching the game want to do things other than watching the game, or at least simply enjoy it for their own benefit.

I do not think that all games are "evil", but the ones popular certainly are, because that popularity comes, too often, from the game being addictive. 

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Day 95. Once I hit 140 days, I think I'll transition to weeks. A new milestone appears!

Small reflection on gaming:

Honestly, struggled a lot to stay productive today. Like I said in previous journal entry, there is a ton happening in my local "gaming world" this week, and it has been super distracting, and caused a lot of bad habits to reappear. I think that this did some good too, though: I am feeling an ever greater disconnect from that "gaming world". Seeing the news, watching trailers, reading patchnotes- all those did not give me the levels of excitement I used to experience just a couple months ago. I think it is a matter of weeks until I stop checking in on those things completely (especially given that for 2/3 of the games I follow, the updates issued were "final"). Good good. Hope tomorrow will be better!

Short Reflection on mental health from today:

A thing happened when I was talking to a person I know- a very minor, brief, non-verbal, unconscious glance at a body part lol- that has heavily affected my day 😞 I had very high anxiety levels for quite a bit of time. Really hate how my brain still makes an elephant out of a fly when it comes to social interaction. Other than that, I very much need to learn to discipline myself better- it is usually easy for me because I have nothing to distract myself with. But when I do, oh oh ohhhhh... 

Good things from today:

  • Although that talk was awkward, it did relieve a lot of the anxieties I had with that person before- they actually like me, yay! The talk was pretty good 🙂
  • I did get a lot of things done- almost everything from my to-do list. Just a few things pushed to the weekend, which, for the most part, is empty atm.
  • Enjoyed drawing in my art class.
  • Exercised a bit and wish to exercise more- I missed being physically active. 
  • Am staying clean with porn 🙂
  • My partner has been pretty awesome today. I am very grateful for her support. 

Random thought:

Measuring how much I love/value myself is a constant struggle: is the fact that I do not care about my hair a sign that I do not like myself? Or is it me not being able to overcome some of my poor habits? I feel like every time I do not live to standards- not sure if my own, or culturally-social ones -I feel like I hate myself. Is this really the case, or do I, for some weird reason, want to think  that I hate myself. Why would I convince myself that I do not treat myself the way I want to?

Have a great Friday,

Po

 

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Day 96.

Small reflection on gaming:

Today has been tough! Had a lot of urges to relapse, particularly due to watching quite a bit of gameplay which is both dis- and encouraging. Hope to stay clean over the weekend. So far one way to deal with this was just to start doing something else. There are a lot of other activities that I, once am focused on, prefer to gaming. So right now I will go paint. After doing HW 😠 

 Short Reflection on mental health from today:

I think I am watching too much of my TV show- Mr Robot -again. Really enjoy it, all of its aspects truly speak to me. But, it gets very much in my head, and ends up distracting me every time I let my focus just a bit down. Just a few hours ago, when hanging out with my partner, was unable to get it out of my head. Felt very guilty and annoyed about that, because I want to just hang out with my partner! So, I will probably stop watching it, at least for tomorrow. A magnificent show, so smart that it really affects my thinking. I can feel its themes and ideas get into my brain lol

Good things from today:

  • Got a lot of stuff done! Still am fairly productive
  • Had a successful meeting with a new tutee that will be stuck with me for over a year (it's a long-term program) hehe
  • stayed hydrated and physically active
  • was a good participant in class
  • one of my textbooks arrived ahead of the schedule, yay! Like, by a full week

Things I am nervous about:

I do not want to relapse. Correction: I do want to relapse, but do not want to feel everything that comes right after- guilt of not being able to control myself, guilt of having to reset the tracker here, and so much other guilt... Brrr!!! Just thinking about those is discouraging, but is it enough? There are honestly some days where I do have time to game without necessarily missing out on anything significant... But my time is filled with potential right now, when I am granted so many opportunities through college, my body and mind capable of incredible things, not yet touched by aging! I have to stay disciplined, to stay passionate, to stay strong, if I want to succeed. I really want my children, if I ever have any, not to feel like I have not done enough for them. I want to be proud of the future I am creating.

So yes, I do not want to relapse over the weekend, because of the consequences. The games are really really fun, but there are so many other things to get done. My life is more than this. I am of bigger value to myself and to others. Every minute spent gaming is a minute less for making the world a better place. 

I think if I try to calculate, I've spent at least 3 full months of my life gaming. Easily double that. No more!

 

Sorry for getting so serious lol, just trying to find the willpower to keep moving forward.

Po

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Day 99. Could say that I am approaching a milestone, but at this point it is just routine lol. Will celebrate at 111 days, how about that?

Small reflection on gaming:

Definitely watching more game-related stuff than usual today and this past week overall. Understand what has caused it- lots of game-related news and feeling nostalgic, but not having the will to stop doing those activities. However, I do need to. Games begin to occupy my brain more once again, and I do not want to go through the urges. I really should be reading more, and learning art, music, and all that stuff. Have to get passionate!

Short Reflection on mental health from today:

Feeling just fine! Must say, I've actually been feeling more disciplined and confident, and have been doing better at doing activities that are important but socially uncomfortable, such as reminding other students on campus to follow COVID guidelines. Muhahaha, I feel the power! 

Good things from today:

  • Watched some video game stuff that made me happy, to some extent
  • Stayed on top of my stuff, taking barely any breaks and getting sooo much done. Feeling tired, but also very satisfied with what I've accomplished.
  • Received lots of $$$ from my University from my personal summer projects. Yay, school-related expenses are completely covered now. 
  • Got my textbooks for a class wayyy before they were supposed to arrive. 
  • My phone is so awesome, it barely loses any battery when idle. I have to recharge it only once every 4-5 days 😮 
  • Enjoying sunny weather, although I am feeling too hot already grrrr

Random thought:

I began noticing that the thought of following a game's development/watching videos of people playing it together is much more fun that the thought of playing it myself. I think what I get from following dev diaries and watching people play together is seeing people be passionate about something they love doing, and just fulfilling my need for observing social interaction 🙂 It's honestly not the game itself at this point. 

Hope that your week is starting out well,

Po

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Day 101.

Got the covid vaccine. Glad I won't get COVID but jeez the side effects are pretty tough on me. Headache, weakness and dizziness, and light fever. Not that bad, I know, but I was hoping to be enjoying the vaccine a bit more lol.

Staying good on no gaming, spent less time watching/researching game stuff today than usual, cuz it seems like nothing interesting is happening. Now, how do I make those things less interesting when they happen? *Will answer in the next entry*

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Day 103

Yesterday was a day of <recent> past choices catching up to me. And the vaccine side effects, too. 

Missed two both personally and professionally important events that I was looking forward to attending because I had trouble focusing and keeping my mind together; but also, I have been too focused on academics and jobs lately. Yes, I am acing those, but it takes a lot of my time and focus, and so I end up forgetting about other important things. And, turns out that I missed a friend's BD that I was totally unaware of. Sux big time man. 

So right now, I am feeling down, but also incredibly energized, as those mistakes give me a chance to reflect on what I am doing wrong, and to improve my situation. I think that starting right now, I will be making reminders/alarms for all important meetings for the upcoming week, and look up tips on being less forgetful. 

In terms of gaming, I am not very occupied with it because of high stress. Which is surprising! It used to be completely the other around a few months ago. However, I relapsed with porn yesterday, and that was a lot of regret and guilt on my mind. Bleaurgh, I hate it. I think that I was experiencing so much brain fog that a part of my regular consciousness was simply gone. Unfortunate, but from mistakes we learn. 

Alright, gotta go, a work meeting is starting. 

Stay strong y'all. 

@WhoCares, hope to hear from you soon 🙂 Don't give up! I'm always rooting for you.

Po

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Alright, it has been quite awhile! I apologize for not posting for so long. All is well, actually. 

Day 110. So close to 111 hehe. 

It's been a very busy time lately. Not that I do not have any time for leisure or whatever, but it has been mostly limited to watch-tv-show-while-eating kind of thing. I have been doing a lot of academic and professional work, as well as spending more quality time with my partner. Overall, life has been getting better, especially compared to where I was a week ago. 

A few drawbacks, though: I have relapsed with porn, twice last week. Doing well right now but that was not pleasant. Lots of regrets and all that. Also, I just feel like I do not have that much time for things I actually enjoy. Usually, I feel that way anyways, but end up having plenty of time for all kinds of things anyways. But right now, I have such a busy weekend ahead of me that I am not sure if I will be able to paint much. But, I must admit, it was completely my own decision to get so busy, and I can't deny that I do enjoy it, in a good way 🙂

Good things from lately:

  • Played some volleyball for the first time since freshman high school. Woah. I definitely sucked, but it was a ton of fun. Hope to get some personal practice in before next game!
  • My music skills have been developing faster. Although I am still not sure about value my music provides to me and the world in general, I am glad to be progressing.
  • I have been super into exercising. Not a full-body workout every day, but just a physically active lifestyle overall.
  • Feels like I am connecting with people more actively and in a better way. I enjoy talking more, at least, and it is happening more often.
  • Urges for watching gameplay/going to social media have been lower than general. I simply do not feel like taking the phone out of my pocket. Yes, I am bored, but it feels good somehow.

Alright, feel like doing some exercise.

Hope y'all are able to find time for self-care over the weekend!

Po

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Good stuff.  Yeah I would have hated Zoom U. 

Interviewing is a skill.  You get better every time you do it.  Here is some sage interviewing advice I have put together over a few decades.

  • Take every interview you are offered.  Get in front of somebody and fail at it to learn how to do it better.  You're gonna suck at first, but look at it like a game skill.  Level it up.
  • Look up the organization before you go.  Are they a public company?  Are they a Mom n Pop? How old is the company? What do they do?
  • Whenever possible, make them do most of the talking.  People love to hear their own voices.
  • Answer directly, do not lie.  
  • If you don't know something, try to relate it to something you DO know.
    • Do you know the AJAX .net Framework?
      • no but I learned JQuery and JavaScript a little on my own, I'm sure I can pick it up.
  • If you have no indirect experience, just say so.
    • No, sorry.  Looking forward to learning it though.
  • Don't ask questions about salary, vacation days, etc. that will all be in the offer letter.
  • Make them suggest a salary level.   When they say "Hey, how much salary are you looking for?"  There are 2 possible outcomes.
    • You lowball it and end up working well below scale.
    • You shoot the moon and they freak out - you lose the opportunity.
    • My first answer is always "Make me an offer".  They will press me again and I'll say "Look, I have no idea what your benefits package looks like, that stuff is worth something to me."  Get them to state a range for this position, and if it seems OK with you say, yeah, I can work with that.  DON'T agree tot he lowest number.  Let's say they tell you the range is... $40K to $75K.  Just say if you're comfortable with that, and tell them to get you an offer letter.  Most of the time they will not come back at the low boundary.
  • When you're done, THIS IS CRITICAL:  Ask the interviewer "Thanks for your time, how did I do?"  
    • if the answer is "You did great!" then the interviewer just heard his own voice say this guy did great.
    • if the answer is "Well, you're a bit weak here" then take the opportunity to shore up the notion that you can pick it up and you're eager to learn.

 

Edited by Some Yahoo
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