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Ending the Loop


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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry you relapsed. I'm about 2 weeks free now and kind of want to relapse and watch but I think it would make me feel bad so I'm not going to do it.

Stay strong! I think I have been having a lot of issues with discipline and overall feeling very stressed but also mentally drained, and all those things together have triggered a relapse. I have failed to acknowledge a large problem coming my way and it hit me really hard the last few days. Discipline is something I lack in many areas of my life still, but hope to improve and become unstoppable like you @BooksandTrees :')

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Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6

ALRIGHT LET"S DO IT TODAYYYYY Yesterday I was quite lazy- I got things done but the quality was meh. Finally caught up with my to-do list though, so today I can start fresh yeeeahhh!!  Showe

No Games: 37. Having urges, but I know I am too busy and can't let it slip. I do want to just sit down and relax for 20-30 minutes, but can not allow that to happen right now. After all, spending some

8 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Stay strong! I think I have been having a lot of issues with discipline and overall feeling very stressed but also mentally drained, and all those things together have triggered a relapse. I have failed to acknowledge a large problem coming my way and it hit me really hard the last few days. Discipline is something I lack in many areas of my life still, but hope to improve and become unstoppable like you @BooksandTrees :')

I definitely stayed strong! We've got this. You've got a great attitude. 

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Posted (edited)

Hi everyone who still reads my journal, here is another entry for you ❤️

WEEK 23

It's finally summer- today is the first day after finals, and I am chilling. I've been both lazy and productive, just doing the things that are necessary and/or I am passionate about. Soon, I'll have more on my hands and will be pretty much on my usual work schedule. Here's to the rest of the week, I suppose?

I am grateful to/for:

  • a less stressful finals week this term, it was nice to finish the term without too much stress.
  • Hayao Miyazaki for writing the manga Nausicaa from the Valley Of The Wind. Just finished it, and it was so amazing all the way through that it inspired me to start another art project. Lifechanging!
  • the fan in my room. It's so hot outside!

Good things from last week:

  • I have not relapsed with porn for over a week; hope to be able to go for more than two weeks this time. 
  • I am going abroad this summer, for the first time in 3 years 😮 Fingers crossed things will go well.
  • It's been not too bad overall. I'm productive, passionate about various things, and only a bit lonely (my partner is going away for a couple weeks). 
  • I've been trying to spend more time resting- not looking at a screen while eating, going outside, or laying on the bed without doing anything, for example. It definitely has helped me self-reflect more and fuel my passions. I am not super comfortable with this yet, but I'll continue to push myself in this direction.

Challenges:

  • Porn is no longer difficult to keep at bay, but now I am having trouble... eeek... keeping good eye contact with people. I think it has to do with the fact that it is summer and more people are wearing open clothes, but at the same time I am overcomplicating the whole process of making eye contact. It has been getting better day by day but I need to keep improving more!
  • Loneliness is hitting up at times. As someone who does not have very close friends (or friends that I talk on a daily basis to), there are moments when I suddenly experience high stress for seemingly no reason. Given that I (for reasons) do not really notice or feel "lonely" most of the time, I think that these sudden moments of stress can be attributed to lack of socializing. Well, gonna be home soon, lots of people to see there 🙂
  • I have trouble getting up when I want in the morning. I still do, but damn it's a struggle! That is slightly odd given how many things there are for me to look forward to. Perhaps, when I am about to go to sleep, I should write those things down so I can remember them right away upon waking up?

Goals for next week:

  • Continue learning how to rest
  • Try to find more care/passion for the things I need to do.
  • Connect with people 🙂
  • Stay hydrated
  • Learn animation more!
  • Start composing, but better 😆
  • Make more goals- find things I enjoy and really focus on them
  • Read more!

 

Well, that is it for this week! I hope to be around here a bit more to support y'all, summer is a tough time for gamequitting.

Po

Edited by Pochatok
week indicator
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On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

I have not relapsed with porn for over a week; hope to be able to go for more than two weeks this time. 

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

It's been not too bad overall. I'm productive, passionate about various things, and only a bit lonely (my partner is going away for a couple weeks). 

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

Loneliness is hitting up at times. As someone who does not have very close friends (or friends that I talk on a daily basis to), there are moments when I suddenly experience high stress for seemingly no reason. Given that I (for reasons) do not really notice or feel "lonely" most of the time, I think that these sudden moments of stress can be attributed to lack of socializing. Well, gonna be home soon, lots of people to see there 🙂

 

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

Porn is no longer difficult to keep at bay, but now I am having trouble... eeek... keeping good eye contact with people. I think it has to do with the fact that it is summer and more people are wearing open clothes, but at the same time I am overcomplicating the whole process of making eye contact. It has been getting better day by day but I need to keep improving more!

I remember I took up looking in the eye as a challenge about a year ago. It was interesting funny to see how many people flickered with their eyes or avoided eye contact altogether. The chills came when they stared back at me! 😄 It's said solid eye contact is a good indicator of interest though.

Have you thought about why you watch porn sometimes? Are you lonely? Do you want novelty? Do you want to make your partner jealous? All of them are valid reasons.

I don't watch porn, but I think that my personal "problem" is that I tend to fixate my sexuality on one person fairly quickly. That's somehow troublesome long-term, because I miss and pass on the other options that are available to me - I don't mean necessarily anything physical, but flirting. There's power in knowing that I have options, even if I don't need to explicitly demonstrate that.

The solution to feeling lonely could be somewhat similar - to have more friends, but I think it's only an issue if you feel lonely consistently.

On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:

I have trouble getting up when I want in the morning. I still do, but damn it's a struggle! That is slightly odd given how many things there are for me to look forward to. Perhaps, when I am about to go to sleep, I should write those things down so I can remember them right away upon waking up?

I think that's normal when we have a relaxing period, that we just laze around and roll in bed more. There's obviously always something "to do", but taking the time "to be" is also important, so that we aren't just a bunch of robots with statistics.

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21 hours ago, Ikar said:

Have you thought about why you watch porn sometimes? Are you lonely? Do you want novelty? Do you want to make your partner jealous? All of them are valid reasons.

Haha yes, I have thought of it! There are lots of reasons; the primary ones are lack of sex (health reasons between me and my partner), and in general porn functioning as a stress relief for me. I've found ways to satisfy/deal with both of these reasons without porn, and recently I have crossed the two week mark heh. 

However, I think that porn will continue to be something I struggle with for some more time, but I also have been seeing more and more improvement with it every week. 

Next habit to break: picking my acne/face in general and scratching my head.

Thank you for checking in @Ikar

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22 hours ago, Ikar said:

think that's normal when we have a relaxing period, that we just laze around and roll in bed more. There's obviously always something "to do", but taking the time "to be" is also important, so that we aren't just a bunch of robots with statistics.

Heh, that is true! But, I am consistently trying to improve my discipline, and getting out of bed on time is the one thing I can not force myself to do (hence my concerns about it- I feel like it messes with my routine). Recently, I've decided to change the goal to "getting out of bed earlier than the day before", and it works much better- I wake up around the same time every day, but get out of bed 10-15 minutes earlier every day. My goal is to start waking up at 6AM by next week- everyone in my family wakes up very early and I need to keep up with them in order to have a productive day heh.

I appreciate your input greatly, once again!

Edited by Pochatok
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and it's WEEK 24! 6 month streak yaaaaaaaaaaaaasss

I am grateful to/for:

A loving family. Every time I have been returning home since last summer, things have been improving little by little. There is surely a million issues everywhere within our family, but some of them are finally getting worked on/are improving. I can finally say that I am enjoying being at home along my family (though I believe that my attitude has changed as well, and I am more caring and passionate towards my family members). 

Good things from last week:

  • I am enjoying living in the basement because it is just the right temperature. Upstairs is a hotdog. 
  • I finished the year with all As, and was able to land 100% on one exam. I feel super happy that my professors have been quite supportive and accommodating during this term and helped me make this happen (and big thanks to my partner, who is most supportive human ever lol)!
  • I am, overall, doing pretty well and not wasting much time. I have stopped watching my TV show, have been reading more (for fun, woah), and am getting nearly all of the things I want done on time.
  • I overworked during last weekend as the year was ending and I had sooo muchhh work to do as an RLA. Yet, it was a joyful time during which I connected to a lot of people and did a lot of good things. It was nice.  

Challenges:

  • I still need to work on my discipline. Getting out of bed late is one thing (and honestly beneficial in some ways), but I have to work on doing the right things at the right time (for example, I did not practice my instrument in the morning and now might be unable to practice it for the rest of the day cuz there are other things in the way). 
  • Not relapsing with some bad habits is not easy at the moment. Campus environment is more socially isolative, yet also more encouraging. At home, it is more easy to succumb to my habits since my partner and friends aren't around, and things are a bit slower, uncomfortable, and messier, which does get me stressed out in a more "triggering" way. I think I will adjust to this over time.
  • Proper rest needs to be worked on again! Being at home, I feel like I can not really rest (which is partially true, there are sooo many things to do honestly). However, I need to keep my eating, sleeping, and short-resting habits clean, free of distractions and as stress-free as possible.

Goals for next week (italicized= from last week):

  • Continue learning how to rest
    • I've made some setbacks here; need to continue to learn to treat myself better
  • Connect with people 🙂
    • I've made some improvements, but I still do not reach out to some friends as much as I ideally want to. I can be a better friend 😮
  • Start composing, but better 😆
    • do not have time for this at all, sadly. Perhaps later in the summer?
  • Work on my discipline
  • Stay more self-aware during passive activities. 
  • Don't avoid cooking when needed. Lazy ass. 

This is it for this week, thank you @Ikar and @BooksandTrees for stopping by!

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