Ending the Loop

[FDRx7]

11 hours ago, Pochatok said:

It's amazing how moments like these always go from happening to me to happening for me. I only wish that this cognitive path was a bit shorter, for the pain of the journey from one to the other is immense- it has taken me ~2hrs to get to this point. And I'm still plenty of hurt.

This really stuck out to me. What an immense show of maturity. Even in the face of hurt and taking time to acknowledge it, you’ve made the active choice to not let it control you. Instead, you have made it work for you as a moment of growth to become a better you. Such a healthy mindset! 
 

It’s good to care about these things but I’m also glad you were able to keep it from completely consuming you. Sometimes these things have a way of ruining the entire day, if we let them.

[Pochatok]

@wheatbiscuit Thank you for your empathy 💖 It's a matter of time and practice, as you say!

@Vee Haha I've lost my consistency too, perhaps because it was not a set goal per se, but just a coping mechanism. At the moment, I am 100% invested into academic writing, but once that's done, I want to come back to stories!!!

@Ikar Funny enough, I do not see any similarities, but am very glad that my writing made you think of someone else, that's always a delight!

On 9/21/2023 at 5:37 AM, Ikar said:

These things are hard 😄

Yes!!! And that's also exactly why I want to figure them out 🙂 It takes so much courage to act in difficult situations like these, and that's what drives me!

[Pochatok]

On 9/21/2023 at 6:41 AM, FDRx7 said:

This really stuck out to me. What an immense show of maturity. Even in the face of hurt and taking time to acknowledge it, you’ve made the active choice to not let it control you. Instead, you have made it work for you as a moment of growth to become a better you. Such a healthy mindset! 
 

It’s good to care about these things but I’m also glad you were able to keep it from completely consuming you. Sometimes these things have a way of ruining the entire day, if we let them.

Thank you so much! It's something I've adopted from the brightest people I've met this year. For them, it's not a mindset, but the way of being. I hope that someday I will be able to look at everything happening within my life from that POV. 

And yes, they certainly have led me to an unfulfilling day in the past! Lucky to be in a different place now. 

[FDRx7]

By the way, I happened to see the posted pictures in the sidebar, so I went exploring. Very cool! I see what you meant about having had a similar data tracker. The google sheets are particularly interesting (and aesthetically pleasing - I'm just doing mine in Open Office, so it looks a little meh haha).

[Pochatok]

let's restructure this a bit, given that I am back to less-frequent updates. I want this to feel light and accessible rather than a heavy obligation.

🎇my biggest ambitions for the upcoming 100 days:

• enter a new line of systematic habits tomorrow
• make some dear friends this weekend (I will be hanging out with at least 3 people! So exciting!!)
• restructure my animation workline next week
• begin learning dance in 2 weeks (salsa?..)
• grow 100 followers on instagram in next 20 days
• join 1 climbing meetup within the next 3 weeks (a space for queer folks, so yay!)
• publish 3 music/vlog videos on a personal youtube channel in the next month
• finish my academic writing within 60 days
• gain a total following of 1k within 90 days
• give myself a bear hug once a day for 100 days
• send my research off in 100 days
• begin drafting my 1st video essay in 100 days

🍃 in all of this, three main areas appear:

1. social connection: dance, relationships, other ways of social meetup are currently feeling a bit lacking, and I crave the weekend. so, so glad it's here.
2. writing, or rather turning my thoughts into something accessible, readable, and sharing it with the world. I want to share my privilege of education.
3. at the core of conceptualizing a happier vision of the future is animation.

🍃 a new concept appears- ✨ happier vision of the future ✨. what's all this about?

lately, I've been narrowing down all of my hobbies into a singular purpose: to learn to vision a protopian future that is uniquely fitting for myself, and myself only. since choosing animation to be my top activity, along with writing, I've been thinking a lot about what truly is their impact: influencing imagination. Studio Ghibli films have embraced within me a different visioning for my future self, while Octavia Butler has helped me define what kind of environments I want my future self to be free of.

this 🎇desire for influencing discourse on future visioning 🎇 has been becoming more integral to all areas of my being: social interactions help me envision the societies I want the future to have, while academic writing helps me analyze critically what is already known, and therefore notice limitations in my visioning of the future.

and so this week, I've been pompously integrating this concept into my life. have to be careful; don't centralize it, but keep it a brighter star within the constellation that is my values. 

--

on another note, pornography addiction has been seeing improvement, but some behaviors remain unchallenged. my brain has a strong system for normalizing and validating certain instances of desire, and it's very hard, cognitively and emotionally, to counter them. next week, I hope to challenge those ingrained patterns by coming up (today) with alternative paths of action.

💖 Thank you for reading, I am so glad you've given your time and effort to walk along my journey 💖

 

 

Edited September 30 by Pochatok

[wheatbiscuit]

On 9/30/2023 at 11:25 PM, Pochatok said:

on another note, pornography addiction has been seeing improvement, but some behaviors remain unchallenged. my brain has a strong system for normalizing and validating certain instances of desire, and it's very hard, cognitively and emotionally, to counter them. next week, I hope to challenge those ingrained patterns by coming up (today) with alternative paths of action.

💖 Thank you for reading, I am so glad you've given your time and effort to walk along my journey 💖

I've been strictly reading erotic things and haven't been on a video website for 2-3 weeks. There is now a good balance between appreciating people I meet out on the street and reading what will probably never be said, and I'm happy with that state of affairs (sometimes it's a little rude). I only intend for it to help get impulsive urges out of my system. Would possibly recommend. 😅

Edited October 3 by wheatbiscuit

[Pochatok]

On 10/2/2023 at 9:04 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

I've been strictly reading erotic things and haven't been on a video website for 2-3 weeks. There is now a good balance between appreciating people I meet out on the street and reading what will probably never be said, and I'm happy with that state of affairs (sometimes it's a little rude). I only intend for it to help get impulsive urges out of my system. Would possibly recommend. 😅

Surprisingly, the urges have completely dissipated despite life being plenty of stress still. My hope this has to do with deepening of my connection to sexuality, as well as living more closely attuned to the public-facing values like speaking up, doing activist work, etc. . But suggestion taken- I've actually been using that as an alternative sometime ago, may try again!

[Pochatok]

So, I've made a pretty weighed decision (internally) to not come back until this journal has a certain sense of purpose. 

What I seem to be looking for is spiritual wellbeing: feeling connected to the world through my values, and sensing the world reflect my values back to me.

So, how can I explore this? 

• Freestyle writing (no more than 100 words/entry) on the following topics:
  • What have been some meaningful people, non-human life, my living environment, food, transport, etc. ?
  • What are some beings/things I have been feeling disconnected from, or simply was at a distance from?
  • How are my values reflected in the ways I connect with the world?
  • How can my connection further my commitment to my own values?

Let's try this... This week, some of the most meaningful connections have been following a trope of internalization/isolation: I have been undertaking inconsistent efforts to be present in the space meditation, daily journals, etc.), but, for some reason, it has not been leaving me feeling fulfilled as much as before. The inconsistency itself is a symptom of me feeling more disconnected than usual from my surroundings. I still follow my core habits: workouts, morning walks, reading at the end of the day, but the system doesn't give me the same state of thinkfeeling as before. I cannot tell what's shifting...

From this, let's extract and explore 2-3 core findings (highlighted in bold).

• "different state of thinkfeeling": surprisingly, the entire last weekend I was feeling more energetic than ever in living at 100%. And while I've been journaling, listening to podcasts, and doing other things to remind myself how much value there is in full presence, it simply isn't sticking. And what I am afraid of is complacency with this order of things: forgetting that I can reach higher. Why do I not want to climb higher?
• internalization/isolation: it's not that I'm building walls against the rest of the world. Rather, I am simply feeling a gap between myself and my passions; I still put in the work, but my mind wants... nothing in particular? And, none of the usual things that give me pleasure are desired right now, including those I try to abstain from. I am simply at peace with everything that already is. Unfortunately, this is horrifying, though I acknowledge how wonderful of a privilege it is to feel this way.

And now, the biggest question to end with: What do I do now?

Perhaps, I can start with more gratitude. Isn't it so wonderful I feel like I am enough. A big reason that my passion-driving techniques do not work is that I am refusing to use shame and fear. I am choosing to listen to the abundance of the present, not scarcity. And perhaps, I also need to acknowledge that I need a different motivation system, rooted in celebration and joy rather than punishment and stress. Perhaps, I need to simply listen more deeply, as the answer is always within. 

💮

Most definitely, I am afraid: what if this is not a feeling of sufficiency, but a curtailing of overwhelming stress, anxiety, and shame? What if it's all about to crash down on me, after a week of numbness that I mistake for peace?

I will never know, but tomorrow me may have insights. I look forward to his entries.

Thank you to all those who read and respond, your contributions are life-changing!
Po

[Pochatok]

Another hard point, following a blissful weekend. Perhaps it is my physical and emotional fatigues kicking in full gear. But on the surface, I simply am not following the advice of my wiser self: I did not journal enough in the morning, I did not journal at all in the afternoon, and I didn't time most of my efforts or generate goals preceding any time-consuming activities.

Feeling guilty, and there is a lot of shame within my physical posture and in the back of my head. I know I will get better; I already am, simply by writing this.

Current struggle is that of learning vs. creating grand things. Learning feel like a waste of time, especially so right now, where so much of my learning feels rather aimless. But at the same time, it seems that I have a hard time committing to big projects for the opposite reason: they require longer-term thinking, for which I tend to lose patience. And so I've been stuck dilating between learning/practice that does not make a significant impact on my bigger projects, and bigger projects that flop due to uninformed practice.

Dear tomorrow me, how do I go about this catch-22? 

[BooksandTrees]

On 10/16/2023 at 4:56 PM, Pochatok said:

Another hard point, following a blissful weekend. Perhaps it is my physical and emotional fatigues kicking in full gear. But on the surface, I simply am not following the advice of my wiser self: I did not journal enough in the morning, I did not journal at all in the afternoon, and I didn't time most of my efforts or generate goals preceding any time-consuming activities.

Feeling guilty, and there is a lot of shame within my physical posture and in the back of my head. I know I will get better; I already am, simply by writing this.

Current struggle is that of learning vs. creating grand things. Learning feel like a waste of time, especially so right now, where so much of my learning feels rather aimless. But at the same time, it seems that I have a hard time committing to big projects for the opposite reason: they require longer-term thinking, for which I tend to lose patience. And so I've been stuck dilating between learning/practice that does not make a significant impact on my bigger projects, and bigger projects that flop due to uninformed practice.

Dear tomorrow me, how do I go about this catch-22? 

I think it's what you mentioned in my diary. You're tired. This doesn't mean give up on willpower and start gaming. It just means you're allowed to write a small journal entry or none for a week. You're probably needing rest. 

[Pochatok]

Not feeling well about my ambition/care/love levels. Have been playing video games frequently again- about 100 mins over the last 2 days. Hope to expand on this tomorrow morning- a frustrating moment that I want to remember.

Edited November 12 by Pochatok

[Pochatok]

Alright, let's reflect. I feel drawn to do other things, which feels great. The last couple of days I felt drawn to nothing at all; now I find myself actively prioritizing and making choices. Ah, I'm so glad to be alive and feel pain and struggle. 

--

So, I had a life-changing vacation. Wasn't a vacation truly, as I exerted more effort than I ever have emotionally and interpersonally. And, my purpose wasn't to relax, but to build a meaningful relationship with a very close friend.

And there was much building- we moved from platonic to romantic to platonic again, to now something that feels like a "coming of age" couple moment. I don't have a stable term for our relationship, really, but they suggested "companionship". We walk together, sometimes holding hands. I like that.

That "vacation" has helped me notice so much of my aspirations for who I want to be with, why I want to live the way I do (and do not), how I want to prioritize my time... And it also reminded me how much healing I have to do, and how unsatisfied I am with my current situation.

My job isn't bad- it's light yet plenty of learning. My colleagues are wonderful and embrace me as I am, yet I feel so different from them that developing closer bonds feels both too effort-full and unwanted. And the pains from my past relationships keep rising the anxiety levels even as I feel more and more free to be here and now. 

With all of this, where do I go now? 

I know I "should" work 10-14mo here before moving on, but I feel so limited. I want to wake up in physical proximity to people I love. I want my job to feel hard to put down. I want my personality to be the most valued asset in the workplace. I want to contribute to making the world a better place, and like MUCH, much better- the kind of radical work that barely pays and is discouragingly difficult. 

And these are not dreams- these are things I will actively work towards, now. I am looking for new opportunities. I talk to strangers every day, though so far not one has turned to a friend. I am creating important personal projects that matter to the present, not just the future that may never come.

But it's hard to keep going. Especially after that vacation- to know how greatly different I want my life to be, and how little I can access of that vision in the present tense; it's so damn heavy to carry this with me. 

Yet, I am privileged to be so strong, so capable. I want to keep making the world a better place. But not at the expense of my own wellbeing, of happiness, of healing. This vacation didn't just change the sky which I hope to reach; it changed the air I breathe. And hurts more to ignore the freshness in my lungs than to accept the pain of unfamiliarity with this atmosphere. 

I want to keep moving forward, whole. Without leaving my happiness ahead, in the distant future. Without putting my pain behind, always encroaching on the present. Without gazing so hard into the present that I forget the color of the sky, and the freshness of the air. 

--

Yes, I'm so glad to be alive and be hurting and sad and lost 💛

Edited November 12 by Pochatok

[Pochatok]

Alright, let's create some "determinations" briefly.

First, I want to acknowledge that I'm feeling so incredibly down. And I will seek help, shortly- calling a friend tonight, another one tomorrow. Not sure why this is beyond feeling "stuck" (which I know to be irrational, but I don't think my feelings have caught up yet).

Determinations:

• I am changing jobs in early August 2024 (8mo from now)
• Completion of the project that I've considered my life's work for the last 1.5mo has become impossible
• I am undergoing incredible crisis of doing/making: I know that what I am doing now is not worth my time, but I am not sure what is. 
• I am continuing to move forward
• I have been avoiding my emotional state a lot and have dedicated little time to reflection
• I am rebuilding my habits, sleep schedule, and other things slowly
• This week has been tough, for reasons  out of my control
• I will persist, no matter what
• I am reflecting more frequently here than before
• I am refusing to give up
• I have stopped playing games
• I have been able to abstain from porn consumption for a record amount of time

With all of this, where do I go?

[Pochatok]

Wait, there's more... Confessions!

• I have strong impostor syndrome at work: I feel that my character isn't compatible with this position- the way I am asked to interact with people goes against both my preferences and the skills I've developed. I feel as though my uniqueness is an issue, and I am hesitant to change the way I am (because I love it). 
  • For context, I find the way I view the world to align strongly with Adlerian beliefs of respect, interdependence, and horizontal relationships. At my workplace, I am asked to relate vertically instead, as I act as a policy enforcer. I also find my offers of respect treated as a liability ("you're too trusting"), and interdependence unavailable, as the relationship between me and the people I work with (students) is more distant and cold than I'd like for a variety of reasons. While I know this will improve over time, right now the growth is slow, and I am not sure how much I want to embrace it, even. 
• I want to change jobs sooner than 8mo. That's twice the time I've spent at the workplace already, though 3 out of those 8 will pass by rather quickly (summer work, breaks, etc.). 
• I don't care "enough" for the job. Yes, I do the minimum of work, and even more than that, but I just don't feel much passion for doing this work. Perhaps, I have not made the effort to care; yet also, it's genuinely not a position where my identity, interests, and existing strengths/skills are of that much use. Yes, I'm learning a lot, but much of it I hope to not utilize outside of work.
• I am emotionally drained- hence the desire to play video games, watch TV shows. Every other form of media reminds me of how I want to (and can, and should) live a different life, so it's hard to engage.
• I am tired of feeling tired- I know that I can choose to be passionate and feel passionate, and yet right now it is not a place of desperation from which I tend to operate. In words of Octavia Butler, "humans tend to go to the edge".

What do I do now, huh?

• Having just played 30mins of games (extremely rewarding, which is exactly what I'm craving- a sense of competence, accomplishment, my work rewarded), I feel more ready to admit/notice what are the things I'm lacking in my current life.
• It seems that I must step up my job and put a bit more effort in. Otherwise, the feeling of incompetence will drive me down into gaming and other escapist ways of feeling accomplished and competent. 
• I also MUST find a hobby that is less addictive yet provides a similar sense of accomplishment when completed- let's get back into art, music, any kind of artistic activity where I can get quick results. 
• Once all of this is set, I hope to feel empowered again to undertake unrewarding tasks that I call "my life's work". Right now, conviction is not enough to pull me into it with passion, but only with discipline. 

Let's move to tomorrow with these thoughts.

[Pochatok]

Tomorrow is here, what do I envision now?

• Quit all media until next week- no games, no TV shows. Try my best to rebuild my coping mechanisms.
• Re-purpose my morning/evening routines. I need to stick to a schedule to avoid getting lost, yet now I know the value of space and being in the present moment- what's a good synergy of these?
• Journal 1hr/day until next week
• Determine the #1 project and work towards it first thing in the day, for 3-5hrs/day. All other things need to become secondary, again. 

Specify:

• I will journal for 20 minutes on why I want to quit all media
• I will dedicate 20 minutes to creating routines
• I will generate a series of topics to journal on 3x20mins/day
• I have determined my top priority project: distill my current research into separate blog entries.

✨Let's do the work

[Pochatok]

How am I doing on my targets:

On 11/16/2023 at 1:41 PM, Pochatok said:

• Quit all media until next week- no games, no TV shows. Try my best to rebuild my coping mechanisms.
• Re-purpose my morning/evening routines. I need to stick to a schedule to avoid getting lost, yet now I know the value of space and being in the present moment- what's a good synergy of these?
• Journal 1hr/day until next week
• Determine the #1 project and work towards it first thing in the day, for 3-5hrs/day. All other things need to become secondary, again. 

• Nope, TV shows have persisted- Evangelion has been a purposeful watch, and I am also at that point in immersion within the show that it is influencing my outlook on life. I could probably pause it entirely, but I feel like that would consume more effort and time than letting the last episode unravel. Games I quit as intended, though!
• No clear schedule- bedtime is all over the place, wake time is inconsistent, my dreams are heavy and exciting. Too exciting- I struggle to get out of bed because sleeping feels better than anything else throughout the day. Ouch, scary to admit that. Well, the solution is to minimize dreams- wake up earlier. 
• Journaling about 1hr day, though not very centered. 
• Need to bump up the hours, though the core project has been chosen and is being worked on.

Above all, or perhaps underneath everything, is my overall lack of passion. I both feel sleepy and unmotivated. Perhaps I should go on a walk.

*goes on a walk*

Love walking. Helped a lot. I really want to animate, huh. But not now. After I am done with the essay, or it will never get done.

Feeling better. Let's carry on- I feel the heat of passion again!

[Pochatok]

Post reason: relapse with pornography

Why consider a relapse: clear dopamine-led engagement with content. Sometimes I do it out of pure curiosity/as a way to make sense of the world, but today wasn't that.

What made me want to pause was a text from a friend: I immediately thought, "this is not what I really want". 

To remind myself, pornography puts my sexuality in a box, above all things. It's frustrating to be both living in misalignment with my values, and be limiting myself as a person. Pornography is NEVER what I want. Every time I think otherwise, I am misguided. I need to remind myself to pause more often, but this is exactly what I always struggle with: I am too easily reconvinced. 

But, as can be seen by the long-term commitments to all kinds of things I've been making lately (finishing books, taking on  long-term projects, committing to a job, etc.), I am very capable of sticking to a belief. 

Just need to want to quit more badly- and at the moment, I do not. I want to become my values, fully. What do I need to do to make that happen? 

 

[Pochatok]

Back with another grievance, if nothing else!

I want to live more ambitiously. I am back at the state where the force of habit kicks my butt, yet my drive fizzles out towards evening- I simply become complacent, compliant with tiredness. Why not just relax, why be desperate and obsessed? 

Hope to find some techniques for cultivating positive obsession/desperation in the coming days. Mornings and afternoons have worked wonderfully, yet evenings tend to drag. I don't want that!

[MuMuMelon]

I can relate to this. During the day my motivation and drive is quite strong. However, when the sun sets I find that my motivation tends to fade away. The plans that I had during the day are often forgotten. I always wake up with the best of intentions but often I don't follow through with my plans. 

When the work day is done, even though I know that I should be working towards goals that will bring me happiness in the future, I find myself giving in to my desire to relax. I think I need to be harder on myself. Certainly I need to be more disciplined. 

Anyway, enough about me. The point I was trying to make it that I can relate. I wish you all the best in finding motivation and strength within yourself to overcome this issue. 

[Pochatok]

On 11/26/2023 at 8:11 AM, MuMuMelon said:

I think I need to be harder on myself.

In a social culture where we're always told that we need to be harder on ourselves and/or more disciplined, I've found that the answer lies in conviction. You need to be obsessed and desperate, not guilt/shame-tripping yourself. 

The most passionate people are those who just care a ton. As much as I've tried to work with discipline and being hard on myself throughout college, I believe that developing a deeper passion is the sustainable path forward.

Discipline and "hardness" work, but at a cost of eating away your mental and physical health. So many people in high-burnout industries tend to struggle with this. Last year, I've attended Game Developer Conference, and the workshop on burnout was filled with the incredibly effortful industry veterans in their 40-60s, all sharing how they didn't realize how out-of-balance their lives where until they got hospitalized/a family member died/etc.. 

Thank you so much for helping me reflect on this, I appreciate and relate a lot to what you say @MuMuMelon!