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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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Bold= specific changes to my life I want to see by next week ❤️

Day 281. An interesting week, some significant ups (but not without the downs)!

Recap of the week:

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

it's time to look for new opportunities, again.

Uhh, haven't been doing that yet, and am not sure whether I actually need to- it seems that my summer is packed up pretty well, and any additional opportunities are yet to be spotted... 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

Intramurals yesterday went pretty poorly

Even worse on Monday- I've learned another important concept, yet, and can't wait to see if it will make a difference at the game tonight!
--
I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer, and still am thinking of adding a few more! I would love to do some stuff locally, but so far I've not gotten around to doing that at all lol. Issues with porn have resurfaced for the second time in a single month- something that hasn't occured to me in quite some time. I'm taking some solid steps towards resolving that issue, and hope that by next journal entry I will be able to see some differences in my behaviours. I've completely stabilized my learning and exercising routines, and am living through my passions more than ever, which is exciting! As it turns out, I need very little to get the grades I want; they don't matter much anyways. 

Gaming

nothing new whatsoever. I hope to feel the same way about all my other bad habits soon.

Concentration

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

improving my efficiency is still a part of the overall process, but it's not causing me anxiety or stress

I think I'm mostly there- efficiency is still something to work on, but I'm structuring my day much more intuitevely. Overall, this leads to longer periods of passionate productivity, whereas  before I would force myself to be productive and get exhausted very quickly. However, there is a lot I want to talk about here, as a few things have been bugging me hard:
--
I've completely thrown away most structure to my day, only leaving important personal routines in the daily system (taking a break for email replies or practicing my instrument at the most convenient times). So far, this has been mostly advantegeous, but I need to impose much better structure on my days overall, and utilize the system I've built despite it being more flexible. Often, I am unsure of what to do at a certain time during the day- priorities are not set clearly as I am not mindful of the deadlines and interests. A couple more days like this and I will begin to lag academically (with bigger projects), forget about larger personal tasks (like transferring my funds to a different bank) or lose drive for certain activities (already happening, sadly). Let's do a larger evaluation:

  • I'm spending too much time in my room, which is not the most productive space- it is very isolative, encouraging some bad habits to resurface, etc. . From today, I will only be in my room when it requires certain resources like my PC. Lunch breaks will be taken outside of the room whenever possible; same for leisure activities. 
  • I'm no longer daily updating my to-do lists (or using them, either). From now, I'll fill out my schedule at 9PM daily, and will check in with it every morning right after journaling.
  • To stick better to my own schedule (I tend to skip some activities here and there) I will need to work on discipline, but in a non-toxic way. Meaning, there is no enforcement; I develop better discipline through deepining my passion and controlling unwanted behaviours through altering my mindsets and environments. 
    • This will, hopefully, come from me knowing the schedule, re-affirming and re-visiting my goals every day (until 3rd week of May- let's make it a habit), and practicing mindfullness more often (also has to do with where I am- I practice it a lot more outside of my room than within...) 

With all this, I'm looking forward to next week. Just have to make sure that certain habits are followed daily; the two big dips in my organization and usage of pornography come largely from inconsistencies in my routines. Not like everything is about routines, of course, but that is what develops habits, and I'm all about that heh. 

Relationships

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I've not been hanging out with that many folks

True to this week too, but it's not bothering me much. I know that I am loved, and people around me are not avoiding me or mean to me or etc. . Getting daily reaffirmations of my social life from others and simply interacting with folks here and there is nice. I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Passion

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I gotta write them out at least a couple times a week

Not super consistent here, but have been writing them a bit more often indeed. I'm pretty sure I can  make this a daily habit, but first I need to step up my morning concentration by doing some mindfullness/exercise every day after breakfast. 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I want to build an even more consistent schedule going forward

Done! Am extremely consistent with animation, but barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting, which do be important... I will resume my daily 20 minute sketching sessions starting, hm... I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions- that means, 4 days a week! Sounds pretty manageable 🙂 

 

Alright, a longer entry, but there is a lot I wanted to touch on. Here's to more self-reflection!

Have a good weekend, and keep moving forward ❤️
Po

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Day 298. I was 100% sure I posted here last week... must have either been a dream or network failure...

Like @BooksandTrees, I don't journal here as much anymore because I've found better places to share my thoughts and improve my wellness at. I will continue to post life updates here for all the folk who are going through their gaming addiction. I know that journals like this were extremely helpful when I was starting out, and I want to help others grow!

Recap of the week:

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer

Still rings true, but it's hard to say how they will turn out- 2/3 will be completed virtually for sure, and one of them isn't setting up as stable as I'd like it to... I'm feeling more nervous about my summer- I fear being overwhelmed with household stuff while at home. Since my older siblings will not be staying home a lot of responsibilities will fall on me. I do know, however, that I'm in a much better place than years before, and that already means a lot. No matter how much or little I will be involved, I know my goals better than ever and will work hard for them 🙂

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I need to impose much better structure on my days overall

Well... I've managed to built my schedule up but it is not as easy to follow it with how eventful spring has been for me. So many things going on! I do think that the change is very much needed, as I'm continuing to miss some small but important deadlines here and there, and that is quite frustrating as I like to be on top of my tasks. Already building back a lot of older habits that I've managed to let go off during Winter, such as adding to my to-do list the moment something comes up instead of leaving it for later, and using my calendar and daily schedule more actively. 

--

Overall, I've been doing okay. My motivation has plummeted last week completely, and it was fairly frustrating to be dragging behind both with academic and personal tasks. I'm back and doing far better, but that week has made me notice how many skills and methods I've managed to loose in the last month. I've also come to acknowledge the many difficulties this year has brought to me, and have come to appreciate more where I currently am. There are so many changes I've done over the last few months, and despite the difficulties in adjusting my entire lifestyle getting in the way of my efficiency and productivity, I'm doing what I'm passionate about, finally. 
I'm still not very happy, but a lot of it has to do with how I look at my own life rather than actual external stressors. I tend to overwork myself, and look back at "yesterday" negatively. I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life. Amen to this not being true when I journal here next.

Gaming

Been having some urges to play as it's a bit odd to be pursuing audio work in gaming so dilligently while not actually playing any... or is it? I still feel like the two don't have to correlate at all. I'm extremely passionate about sound design, and it has nothing to do with how many hours a day I play games. It's kind of like being a professional athlete and not watching sports- the two correlate but are not mutually dependent?..

Concentration

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

inconsistencies in my routines.

Have been mostly resolved. I have done lots of changes again this week, and I'm feeling super happy about them. I have started to spend much less time working in my room, and have redone my self-evaluation process in a way that is much more conductive to growth. I've integrated my goals into my schedule, and resumed using my planners and calendars. There is a lot of work to do still on being efficient with some tasks, but even there I'm feeling much better than usual. 
Many of my previous routines worked extremely well, but despite their comfortability what I was doing accomplished little for myself personally. It looked great from a sideview- grades, projects, employment, and all that jazz. But, I was not living my passion. Now, even though my routines are not in equally stable position, I'm closer to living the life I want to, and that means much more. I'll learn to concentrate and be productive soon 🙂

Relationships

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Maybe not so much now, but I'm still feeling fine. A lot of my anxieties have been resolved, and I feel like I can be much more open around others. Saw my family last week, which was totally awesome, but not have spent much time with others. Recently had a major argument with my partner, but it turned into a very fullfilling and meaningful conversation. Do hope to hang out with more folks soon, but also feel like I don't have precise social goals and don't need many interactions to feel fullfilled, so far.

Passion

Living it. Every day I've been making something, with no breaks. I can be more productive and learn faster for sure, but simply getting into the habit of living my passion daily is a huge leap forwards. Not only am I doing, but also truly enjoying what I do- also a big first. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting

haha! I have been doing those daily for the last few days. Hope to continue to balance my time well between animation and stills. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions

Nope, this has not been happening... I don't prioritize my instrument much anymore, or at least allow myself to move when I practice around the day. I think that this is not a great choice, but on certain days like weekends my schedule is too varied and inconsistent. As long as I manage to do both on certain days, I will feel good.

 

This is it for now; in two weeks I will do another review of my self-assesment tracking- excited for that!

Hope that reading this has been helpful to you, and thank you so much for taking your time here 🙂

Po

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Day 303. I'm not thinking of these as milestones anymore, but it's exciting to be beating my previous score so easily. If I continue to develop my passions at this pace, I will never look back at video games the same way. The amount of internal progress I've made over the last couple of weeks is unbelievable- I'm not super happy because it's a very different, new kind of pleasure and satisfaction, but I'm feeling extremely accomplished and grateful. 

--

Actually, Day 0... and I won't keep a counter anymore. I've just played an incredible visual novel that taught me so much new in just ten minutes. I don't feel like playing more for today, but it felt very much like reading a good book. From now on, I will very carefully re-introduce gaming to my life. There will be a number of rules:1

1. No more than 20 minutes a day, and no more than 10 minutes without a break. No more than 2hrs/week. 
2. Games must be either a) non-addictive [no AAA titles for certain] or b) no more than 30 hours to complete. This way, I will move through games at a rate of 1 game per 2-3 months. 
3. Reflect on every gaming experience in a journal right after playing. This will allow me to use games to grow artistically and professionally rather than be simply for entertainment purposes. 
4. Only play between 9-9:30PM. Failing to follow this rule= 2-week detox. 


I will think of more rules as I go on, but for now this sounds good. 
 

Recap of the week:

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling more nervous about my summer

And, somehow I've turned everything upside down again! Realizing that I don't need to have my summer be completely packed up with events to make good lemonade out of lemons was helpful. It's my summer, after all, and I can work towards my goals on my own just like I am now. 
But also, I got all my gigs confirmed and a couple more so that's great 🙂 

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life

Feeling better. I've been focusing on enjoying what I'm doing as much as keeping the final product in mind. There is more balancing to do, but I'm much more positive about my workflow. I've been noticing more lately how hard I'm actually working. It's never enough for me, of course, but I waste barely any time at all. Every activity is purposeful and thought-out, and I love it.
--
Lots of stressful things happened this week, but none of them override my ability to breathe deeply and be greateful for my life. I hope that next week will be less hurtful, but I'm still happy with where I am. Anxiety has been getting more under control as I am able to practice stress-reducing routines better. 

Gaming

Well, let's talk about today's experience more. The game I played was "Butterfly Soup", and I wanted to approach it specifically in order to learn more about experiences of Queer Asian Americans. Even in the 1st ten minutes, there were so many new things for me to experience. My mindsets and beliefs are already being challenged, and I love that. There was certainly some nostalgic tingling across my body, but I did not experience any sort of flashbacks that made me feel insecure or that the past was impending on me... Overall, it was a short and relaxing experience- the kind of I want to have moving forward. Perhaps, more active self-reflection and patience; despite this being a visual novel, I lost myself in it here and there.

Effectiveness [formerly Concentration]

Enjoying a comeback of my previous sustainable routines. I still want to balance things out a bit more- I wish I'd spend more time reading and writing... There are also some habits still unstable- I am not using my calendar and daily schedules... daily. It would be helpful to make goals for effectiveness and organization too- they're quite important. Keeping all my tasklists in my head is not a great strategy, and neither is looking at them only once a day.

Relationships

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

A lot of my anxieties have been resolved

After some therapy earlier this week, I'm feeling even better. Confirmed a couple hangouts in the coming weeks, and have been seeing people here and there. Interactions with my partner have been extremely meaningful too. 

Passion

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

Every day I've been making something

100% true. Last week, however, I was not enjoying the process- composing was especially out of hand, as I struggled to not experience great deal of anxiety everytime I'd open the software up. Been enjoying the process more by shifting my focus from getting to the final product ASAP to focusing on enjoying the process first and then picking up the tempo. Good experiences must come from a positive foundation, imo.
I've been much more consistent with everything, even practicing my instrument. I can't believe I wrote that entry only a few days ago... maybe I'm imagining all this progress lol.

 

That's all! Thank you for reading, and good luck on your own journey!

Love,

Po

 

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