Ending the Loop

[Pochatok]

Bold= specific changes to my life I want to see by next week ❤️

Day 281. An interesting week, some significant ups (but not without the downs)!

Recap of the week:

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

it's time to look for new opportunities, again.

Uhh, haven't been doing that yet, and am not sure whether I actually need to- it seems that my summer is packed up pretty well, and any additional opportunities are yet to be spotted... 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

Intramurals yesterday went pretty poorly

Even worse on Monday- I've learned another important concept, yet, and can't wait to see if it will make a difference at the game tonight!
--
I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer, and still am thinking of adding a few more! I would love to do some stuff locally, but so far I've not gotten around to doing that at all lol. Issues with porn have resurfaced for the second time in a single month- something that hasn't occured to me in quite some time. I'm taking some solid steps towards resolving that issue, and hope that by next journal entry I will be able to see some differences in my behaviours. I've completely stabilized my learning and exercising routines, and am living through my passions more than ever, which is exciting! As it turns out, I need very little to get the grades I want; they don't matter much anyways. 

Gaming

nothing new whatsoever. I hope to feel the same way about all my other bad habits soon.

Concentration

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

improving my efficiency is still a part of the overall process, but it's not causing me anxiety or stress

I think I'm mostly there- efficiency is still something to work on, but I'm structuring my day much more intuitevely. Overall, this leads to longer periods of passionate productivity, whereas  before I would force myself to be productive and get exhausted very quickly. However, there is a lot I want to talk about here, as a few things have been bugging me hard:
--
I've completely thrown away most structure to my day, only leaving important personal routines in the daily system (taking a break for email replies or practicing my instrument at the most convenient times). So far, this has been mostly advantegeous, but I need to impose much better structure on my days overall, and utilize the system I've built despite it being more flexible. Often, I am unsure of what to do at a certain time during the day- priorities are not set clearly as I am not mindful of the deadlines and interests. A couple more days like this and I will begin to lag academically (with bigger projects), forget about larger personal tasks (like transferring my funds to a different bank) or lose drive for certain activities (already happening, sadly). Let's do a larger evaluation:

• I'm spending too much time in my room, which is not the most productive space- it is very isolative, encouraging some bad habits to resurface, etc. . From today, I will only be in my room when it requires certain resources like my PC. Lunch breaks will be taken outside of the room whenever possible; same for leisure activities. 
• I'm no longer daily updating my to-do lists (or using them, either). From now, I'll fill out my schedule at 9PM daily, and will check in with it every morning right after journaling.
• To stick better to my own schedule (I tend to skip some activities here and there) I will need to work on discipline, but in a non-toxic way. Meaning, there is no enforcement; I develop better discipline through deepining my passion and controlling unwanted behaviours through altering my mindsets and environments. 
  • This will, hopefully, come from me knowing the schedule, re-affirming and re-visiting my goals every day (until 3rd week of May- let's make it a habit), and practicing mindfullness more often (also has to do with where I am- I practice it a lot more outside of my room than within...) 

With all this, I'm looking forward to next week. Just have to make sure that certain habits are followed daily; the two big dips in my organization and usage of pornography come largely from inconsistencies in my routines. Not like everything is about routines, of course, but that is what develops habits, and I'm all about that heh. 

Relationships

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I've not been hanging out with that many folks

True to this week too, but it's not bothering me much. I know that I am loved, and people around me are not avoiding me or mean to me or etc. . Getting daily reaffirmations of my social life from others and simply interacting with folks here and there is nice. I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Passion

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I gotta write them out at least a couple times a week

Not super consistent here, but have been writing them a bit more often indeed. I'm pretty sure I can  make this a daily habit, but first I need to step up my morning concentration by doing some mindfullness/exercise every day after breakfast. 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I want to build an even more consistent schedule going forward

Done! Am extremely consistent with animation, but barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting, which do be important... I will resume my daily 20 minute sketching sessions starting, hm... I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions- that means, 4 days a week! Sounds pretty manageable 🙂 

 

Alright, a longer entry, but there is a lot I wanted to touch on. Here's to more self-reflection!

Have a good weekend, and keep moving forward ❤️
Po

[Pochatok]

Day 298. I was 100% sure I posted here last week... must have either been a dream or network failure...

Like @BooksandTrees, I don't journal here as much anymore because I've found better places to share my thoughts and improve my wellness at. I will continue to post life updates here for all the folk who are going through their gaming addiction. I know that journals like this were extremely helpful when I was starting out, and I want to help others grow!

Recap of the week:

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer

Still rings true, but it's hard to say how they will turn out- 2/3 will be completed virtually for sure, and one of them isn't setting up as stable as I'd like it to... I'm feeling more nervous about my summer- I fear being overwhelmed with household stuff while at home. Since my older siblings will not be staying home a lot of responsibilities will fall on me. I do know, however, that I'm in a much better place than years before, and that already means a lot. No matter how much or little I will be involved, I know my goals better than ever and will work hard for them 🙂

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I need to impose much better structure on my days overall

Well... I've managed to built my schedule up but it is not as easy to follow it with how eventful spring has been for me. So many things going on! I do think that the change is very much needed, as I'm continuing to miss some small but important deadlines here and there, and that is quite frustrating as I like to be on top of my tasks. Already building back a lot of older habits that I've managed to let go off during Winter, such as adding to my to-do list the moment something comes up instead of leaving it for later, and using my calendar and daily schedule more actively. 

--

Overall, I've been doing okay. My motivation has plummeted last week completely, and it was fairly frustrating to be dragging behind both with academic and personal tasks. I'm back and doing far better, but that week has made me notice how many skills and methods I've managed to loose in the last month. I've also come to acknowledge the many difficulties this year has brought to me, and have come to appreciate more where I currently am. There are so many changes I've done over the last few months, and despite the difficulties in adjusting my entire lifestyle getting in the way of my efficiency and productivity, I'm doing what I'm passionate about, finally. 
I'm still not very happy, but a lot of it has to do with how I look at my own life rather than actual external stressors. I tend to overwork myself, and look back at "yesterday" negatively. I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life. Amen to this not being true when I journal here next.

Gaming

Been having some urges to play as it's a bit odd to be pursuing audio work in gaming so dilligently while not actually playing any... or is it? I still feel like the two don't have to correlate at all. I'm extremely passionate about sound design, and it has nothing to do with how many hours a day I play games. It's kind of like being a professional athlete and not watching sports- the two correlate but are not mutually dependent?..

Concentration

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

inconsistencies in my routines.

Have been mostly resolved. I have done lots of changes again this week, and I'm feeling super happy about them. I have started to spend much less time working in my room, and have redone my self-evaluation process in a way that is much more conductive to growth. I've integrated my goals into my schedule, and resumed using my planners and calendars. There is a lot of work to do still on being efficient with some tasks, but even there I'm feeling much better than usual. 
Many of my previous routines worked extremely well, but despite their comfortability what I was doing accomplished little for myself personally. It looked great from a sideview- grades, projects, employment, and all that jazz. But, I was not living my passion. Now, even though my routines are not in equally stable position, I'm closer to living the life I want to, and that means much more. I'll learn to concentrate and be productive soon 🙂

Relationships

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Maybe not so much now, but I'm still feeling fine. A lot of my anxieties have been resolved, and I feel like I can be much more open around others. Saw my family last week, which was totally awesome, but not have spent much time with others. Recently had a major argument with my partner, but it turned into a very fullfilling and meaningful conversation. Do hope to hang out with more folks soon, but also feel like I don't have precise social goals and don't need many interactions to feel fullfilled, so far.

Passion

Living it. Every day I've been making something, with no breaks. I can be more productive and learn faster for sure, but simply getting into the habit of living my passion daily is a huge leap forwards. Not only am I doing, but also truly enjoying what I do- also a big first. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting

haha! I have been doing those daily for the last few days. Hope to continue to balance my time well between animation and stills. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions

Nope, this has not been happening... I don't prioritize my instrument much anymore, or at least allow myself to move when I practice around the day. I think that this is not a great choice, but on certain days like weekends my schedule is too varied and inconsistent. As long as I manage to do both on certain days, I will feel good.

 

This is it for now; in two weeks I will do another review of my self-assesment tracking- excited for that!

Hope that reading this has been helpful to you, and thank you so much for taking your time here 🙂

Po

Edited May 14, 2022 by Pochatok

[Pochatok]

Day 303. I'm not thinking of these as milestones anymore, but it's exciting to be beating my previous score so easily. If I continue to develop my passions at this pace, I will never look back at video games the same way. The amount of internal progress I've made over the last couple of weeks is unbelievable- I'm not super happy because it's a very different, new kind of pleasure and satisfaction, but I'm feeling extremely accomplished and grateful. 

--

Actually, Day 0... and I won't keep a counter anymore. I've just played an incredible visual novel that taught me so much new in just ten minutes. I don't feel like playing more for today, but it felt very much like reading a good book. From now on, I will very carefully re-introduce gaming to my life. There will be a number of rules:1

1. No more than 20 minutes a day, and no more than 10 minutes without a break. No more than 2hrs/week. 
2. Games must be either a) non-addictive [no AAA titles for certain] or b) no more than 30 hours to complete. This way, I will move through games at a rate of 1 game per 2-3 months. 
3. Reflect on every gaming experience in a journal right after playing. This will allow me to use games to grow artistically and professionally rather than be simply for entertainment purposes. 
4. Only play between 9-9:30PM. Failing to follow this rule= 2-week detox. 

I will think of more rules as I go on, but for now this sounds good. 
 

Recap of the week:

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling more nervous about my summer

And, somehow I've turned everything upside down again! Realizing that I don't need to have my summer be completely packed up with events to make good lemonade out of lemons was helpful. It's my summer, after all, and I can work towards my goals on my own just like I am now. 
But also, I got all my gigs confirmed and a couple more so that's great 🙂 

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life

Feeling better. I've been focusing on enjoying what I'm doing as much as keeping the final product in mind. There is more balancing to do, but I'm much more positive about my workflow. I've been noticing more lately how hard I'm actually working. It's never enough for me, of course, but I waste barely any time at all. Every activity is purposeful and thought-out, and I love it.
--
Lots of stressful things happened this week, but none of them override my ability to breathe deeply and be greateful for my life. I hope that next week will be less hurtful, but I'm still happy with where I am. Anxiety has been getting more under control as I am able to practice stress-reducing routines better. 

Gaming

Well, let's talk about today's experience more. The game I played was "Butterfly Soup", and I wanted to approach it specifically in order to learn more about experiences of Queer Asian Americans. Even in the 1st ten minutes, there were so many new things for me to experience. My mindsets and beliefs are already being challenged, and I love that. There was certainly some nostalgic tingling across my body, but I did not experience any sort of flashbacks that made me feel insecure or that the past was impending on me... Overall, it was a short and relaxing experience- the kind of I want to have moving forward. Perhaps, more active self-reflection and patience; despite this being a visual novel, I lost myself in it here and there.

Effectiveness [formerly Concentration]

Enjoying a comeback of my previous sustainable routines. I still want to balance things out a bit more- I wish I'd spend more time reading and writing... There are also some habits still unstable- I am not using my calendar and daily schedules... daily. It would be helpful to make goals for effectiveness and organization too- they're quite important. Keeping all my tasklists in my head is not a great strategy, and neither is looking at them only once a day.

Relationships

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

A lot of my anxieties have been resolved

After some therapy earlier this week, I'm feeling even better. Confirmed a couple hangouts in the coming weeks, and have been seeing people here and there. Interactions with my partner have been extremely meaningful too. 

Passion

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

Every day I've been making something

100% true. Last week, however, I was not enjoying the process- composing was especially out of hand, as I struggled to not experience great deal of anxiety everytime I'd open the software up. Been enjoying the process more by shifting my focus from getting to the final product ASAP to focusing on enjoying the process first and then picking up the tempo. Good experiences must come from a positive foundation, imo.
I've been much more consistent with everything, even practicing my instrument. I can't believe I wrote that entry only a few days ago... maybe I'm imagining all this progress lol.

 

That's all! Thank you for reading, and good luck on your own journey!

Love,

Po

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by Pochatok

[Pochatok]

Hi all those who read my journal! I'm doing okay!!! It's the end of the year and things are crazy busy for me, but I hope to post a larger update soon and hope that you're doing ok! Wherever you are, I wish you a stressless weekend 🙂

Po

[Pochatok]

This post will be valuable to you if...

• you are using (or want to) a personal tracker system of some sort!

Finished my finals!

Now that my daily life will be quite a bit different, I think that I'll use this journal as a way of "weekly summary" of my daily tracker- this way I will be able to reflect fully on my goals and set clear next steps.

1st, let's re-organize my daily evaluation to make sure it clearly fits my personal and professional goals:

• Active Motion
  • Current Tracker: Points for quantity + Quality 
    • Issues: Qality is undefined, and Quantity is too broad
  • New Tracker:
    • .1 per each non-dedicated exercise (as in, running to class, doing some stretches in my room, etc)
    • .2 per >15 min workout
    • .5 per >25 min workout
    • + .2 if the exercise aligns with my Body Reconnection goals
• Separation of Work and Rest   
  • Current Tracker: subtract points for any distraction while working
    • Issues: there is so much more to this, and the goal isn't so much separation rather than efficient focus!
  • New Tracker: Focus Efficiency 
    • .1 for using a Time Tracker once (for work + break separator)
    • .5 for using a Time Tracker for 3+ hours in a day
    • -.5 for eating outside of set hours
    • -.1 per distraction during a work period (checking socials, browsing YouTube, etc.)
• Prioritizing Relationships    
  • Current Tracker: subtract points for any unresponded messages and avoidance of "social opportunities"
    • Issues: too vague and broad; my social goals are much more than this!
    • Proposition: I want to be more consistent in my social interactions- do something every day, remember my friends and family, and be in the present moment
  • New Tracker: Social Engagement Quality 
    • 1 for every 3 random message of kindness (RMK) 
    • -.5 for sending < 3 or > 6 RMK/week
    • .5 for scheduling 1-2 hangouts
    • 1 for attending a hangout
    • .5 for sending a letter (either virtual/physical, as long as it is lengthy and hearty)
    • -.1 for non-filtering speech during a hangout
    • -.1 for not expressing what I am feeling (especially if anxious!)
    • -.5 for not responding to friends' messages within 24hrs
    • -.5 for attending over 5 hours of social activities outside of eating hours 
• Balance of Work/Rest
  • Current Tracker: Subtract points for imbalance
    • Issues: Non-definitive;
    • Proposition: The goal is to not overwork myself, but also to only rest as much as needed instead of being stagnant
  • New Tracker:  Unneeded, I will cover this issue by performing well on the other trackers!
• Proactivity    
  • Current Tracker: subtract points for being inactive
    • Issues: too vague
    • Proposition: I want to track how much my addictive habits affect my life (as they are literally the only time in the day when I act un-proactively)
  • New Tracker: Unwanted Habits
    • -x for instances of unwanted habit if total instances >2 (x defined by habit type)
    • 1 for a day with ❤️ bad habit occurences!
• Full Resting    
  • Current Tracker: subtract points for not doing full resting (mindful activities) daily
    • Issues: Too vague, and a bit too harsh
    • Proposition: measure a variety of full resting activities, and subtract points for improper resting rather than lack of full resting
  • New Tracker:
    • -.5 for not doing any mindfullness activities daily
    • -.5 for going on social media outside of scheduled breaks
    • .5 for exercising doing breaks
    • .5 for completing at least one mindfullness session
• Sleep    
  • Current Tracker: subtract/add points based on sleep quantity 
    • Issues: There is more to sleep than quantity!
  • New Tracker:
    • .5 for not using screen .5 hours before bedtime
    • 1 for not using screen 1 hour before bedtime
    • .5 for sleeping 8-9hrs
    • -.5 for taking >.5hrs to fall asleep
    • -.5 for waking up >1.5 hrs away from usual time
    • -.5 for sleeping <8 or >9 hrs
• Stress Management    
  • Current Tracker: subtract time for "unmanaged stress" 
    • Issues: Stress Management includes not only addressing stress in a timely manner, but completing daily exercises to prevent build-up of stress
  • New Tracker:
    • .5 per journaling on Fortify 
    • .5 for journaling on paper
    • 1 for journaling on GQ 
    • -.5 for not journaling at all
    • -.5 for not journaling on GQ per 10 days
• Continuous Learning
  • Current Tracker: points subtracted for not learning new things every day 
    • Issues: vague- what do I want to learn, and how do I measure whether it is enough learning?
  • New Tracker: 
    • .5 for spending .25-.5hrs on my reading list 
      • .5 for completing a reflection!
    • .5 for using a tutorial of sort to advance my personal learning goals AND applying it
      • 1 for doing above for >1 hr
    • -.5 for not learning anything new 
• Task Prioritization
  • Current Tracker: points subtracted for lack of prioritization or lack of following priorities
    • Issues: Prioritization is complex and I want to break it down into more specific steps so that it's not all-or-nothing
  • New Tracker:
    • .1 for using Notion once during the day
      • -.5 for not using Notion at all
    • .5 for relying on Notion for majority of daily tasks
    • .5 for updating Notion at end of the day
      • -.5 for not doing that

Whew, this is it! Again, this is mostly for myself, but I hope that you'll be able to find some value if you're using some sort of tracker too!

Po

[Pochatok]

Ended up completely redoing my daily tracker even more! This turned out to be far too time-consuming, so I changed it to simple Check-Box system. 

[Pochatok]

Some Updates 🙂

As always, this is simply a place for me to share some updates that you might find useful/inspiring/motivational.

Gaming

While I am not experiencing any unwanted urges, the issue comes in the form of not playing enough... Given that I want to be making sound/composition for video games, I most certainly should study more source material, so to say. I hope to find a healthy balance as I'm going into the weekend. 

Recap of the week:

Been a fine week so far. If counting from last Thursday, I had a restful time at my family's house, and then began my summer jobs... Those have been keeping me crazy busy (and I managed to get sick for a day), but I'm starting to find a rhythm in all the chaos. Yesterday I was able to finally catch up with art, and the weekend will fit in 6 hours worth of Sound Design and Composition training, wohoo! Excited to begin learning C++, too. 

How am I feeling right now:

   Not too great- I spent 20 minutes browsing through gameplay videos, which quickly made me feel sad. I thought that it would be a nice way to get back into playing video games responsibly, but they're unneded- I get an overview of the game super quickly just through browsing a couple reviews. Gameplay vids are addictive for me, and I'll stay away from them from now on.
    I am also not feeling a bit melancholic due to having so much work to complete before I am able to get into things I am passionate about. Hmm, it's almost that watching gameplay videos was a poor coping behaviour to deal with that feeling. Well, the sooner I get the work off the table, the more I will immerse myself into passions, yay!

Effectiveness 

Been staying very focused overall, but can do better with noticing when I'm stressed and taking breaks to resolve that stress. There is quite a bit of frustration at the moment from pushing through stress instead of feeling it through. Best solution so far has been staying hydrated, exteriorizing my feelings/emotions (i.e. laughing, growling, talking to myself) and keeping a timer going. Will try to make those as consistent of a habit as possible in the coming days. 

Relationships

Been doing alright with my partner, since we are long distance- there is some trust issues coming from them, unfortunately. I have very few friends, but all of them are super close, and that closeness crosses boundaries that my partner is comfortable with at times. We have settled on simply me respecting the boundaries, but also a re-visiting of the boundaries in the future. I like being close to my friends, but understand and validate my partner's negative past experiences with trust.\

Moving Forward

I hope to be more positive about my day- I am feeling a bit of melancholy throughout the day nearly non-stop, or so it seems. The breaks I take are long, my effectiveness isn't at the peak because of that. But that's okay, and I'm being patient. I'm very grateful for all the things I currently have in my life, and the struggles I am facing are being actively addressed. 

 

Cheers,

Po

[Martinof]

Hold on, you can't be close to your friends because your long distance partner doesn't trust you ?

That doesn't sound fair.

[Pochatok]

On 6/23/2022 at 2:30 PM, Martinof said:

Hold on, you can't be close to your friends because your long distance partner doesn't trust you ?

That doesn't sound fair.

Without going into too much detail, it's not that I'm close, but how I experience that closeness with my friends- I very much enjoy physical contact (hugging, leaning against each other, and I love holding hands with others). While I only see my friends as friends, my partner has some reasonable worries I think. With us being (temporarily) long distance, I think it's hard for my partner to feel secure, and for me to validate them. 

We did settle on talking more about this once we're together again, but until then I just settled for respecting the boundaries, which is limited physical contact with friends who are single.

Idk, how do you see this?

[Martinof]

Ok, I didn't know you were touchy-feely, I understand your partner can be disturbed by this. 

As long as you can see your friends as often as before.

[Pochatok]

On 6/25/2022 at 6:24 AM, Martinof said:

Ok, I didn't know you were touchy-feely, I understand your partner can be disturbed by this. 

As long as you can see your friends as often as before.

Glad we're on the same page, and I totally agree with you 🙂 Thanks for coming by and giving your opinion, I appreciate it a lot!

[Pochatok]

Some news!

As always, this is simply a place for me to share some updates that you might find useful/inspiring/motivational.

Gaming

I am indeed continuing to have not enough time to play any games, but that is primarily due to the fact that there are so many other things I'm feeling passionate about- learning coding, reading, watching amazing animation, etc. . It is hard to prioritize video games any more than I do now, and I sort of understand why, but am continuing to look for more opportunities to change this situation.

Recap of the week:

A great week! I've been ridiculously productive, but still want to make strides forward with improving my efficiency. I have a tendency of immersing myself to the point of inversion, focusing so intensely that it becomes stressful and exhausting. I've applied for a huge scholarship, designed a website, did well at work, had an interview (didn't do too hot, but fingers crossed), hang out with many friends, attended a few rallies, and made strides forward in both visual and aural creative fields. There is a lot to improve in terms of prioritization, but I'm feeling good and will do everything to prevent and mitigate str

How am I feeling right now

Okay- being at home is both recharging and taxing, but I'm glad to spend the holiday weekend with my family members. It's hard to not let my mind wonder around a lot when I'm home, but I feel better than during the previous visit. Each time I am home, I learn so much about myself.

Effectiveness 

Doing a bit better with pushing stress to the exterior instead of accumulating it within, but still not where I want to be. I hope to be able to take breaks as soon as I need them, not when they become necessary. Feeling exhausted is not enjoyable, but I understand that there is a long history of unsustainable practices that will take time to unpack. Keeping my expectations realistic will help with smoothly cutting through the difficulties. 

Relationships

Been doing very well with both friends and my partner- it's nice to be seeing people so often; something I could not imagine doing before... Last year, I only saw three people during the entirety of summer. I'm in a good place, and want to keep learning more!

Moving Forward

I am very grateful for everything in my life- both things I understand and am puzzled by, what I enjoy and avoid, and what gets me out of bed and puts me into slumber. I hope to remain in the present moment as much as possible for the remainer of the day.

Cheers,

Po

[Pochatok]

Hi! Hope you'll find something useful in this entry ❤️

Gaming
Installed a couple games, but struggle to find time to play. It's ridiculous: I am doing game audio work every single day, but am literally not playing games at all. If I actually end up joining the indie side of the industry after graduation, i will certainly stand out just for that one reason lol.

Recap of the week:

On 7/2/2022 at 11:17 AM, Pochatok said:

immersing myself to the point of inversion, focusing so intensely that it becomes stressful and exhausting

I've managed to work through this quite a bit! Limiting my work sessions to 30-60 minutes has been super helpful, as I'm much more focused on being efficient within a more definite, precise timeframe. Other than that, I've done a lot of things at my jobs, and will be starting my other job next week (which i'm super excited for!). My partner just arrived, excited to no longer be long-distance.

How am I feeling right now
Good but also a bit nervous- the 2nd half of the day (around now) is when I tend to lose motivation and slow down. I hope to stay productive and excited for the rest of the day. 

Effectiveness 

On 7/2/2022 at 11:17 AM, Pochatok said:

Keeping my expectations realistic

Something I want to keep in mind more! My stress management is much better, and now I'm moving onto being more efficient throughout the entire day, rather than just the first half and the couple hours before bed. I want to learn to accumulate more energy throughout the day instead of it dissipating by late afternoon.

Relationships
Today I had a long dream where I hang out with my ex. Yesterday I was curious about how they were doing and stumbled upon her Instagram. It seems that they're enjoying college! I'm happy for them, but wish that they did not disconnect from me. Dating wasn't the best, but I value them a lot as a friend 😞 Glad to still have a few more friends from high school around, though!

Moving Forward
I hope to continue become a more zealous learner and learn to contain that extreme excitement I go to bed with (and wake up with) for all of the day. I feel like I'm on the brink of making another incredible breakthrough, but I'll continue to be patient and grateful for what I already have (and remember how deeply my past affects the present). 

 

Thank you for reading!
Po

[Paul A.]

Wow, look at how far you've come! I read your first post, and seeing you stay consistent even after all this time is super motivating! Keep it up!

[Pochatok]

On 7/12/2022 at 8:24 PM, Paul A. said:

Wow, look at how far you've come! I read your first post, and seeing you stay consistent even after all this time is super motivating! Keep it up!

Thank you! Self-reflection is perhaps the most significant tool out of all that led me to where I am today. Sharing on GQ is a way for me to give back to this community- it elevated me so much. I'll try to keep it up 🙂

[Pochatok]

Update time! As always, I hope that you can find something inspiring/useful somewhere in here 🙂

Gaming

Quite a few changes have happened since I've started my job at a gaming-related place. Given that we literally play games every day as a part of the job, I've been picking up some games here and there to play... Haven't had the time to play most, except for the most addictive one- a quick, semi-competitive FPS. It's been a nice way to train some of the skills I've been lacking on due to little sports activity, but it is certainly eating up more of my time than I'd like it to. Fortunately, I'm much better equipped to deal with these issues now, having more concrete goals, ambitions, and habits. I hope to play only as little as I want instead of having to block the game like all other.

Recap of the week:

On 7/10/2022 at 3:35 PM, Pochatok said:

will be starting my other job next week (which i'm super excited for!). My partner just arrived, excited to no longer be long-distance.

Well, the new job turned out to be interesting... Took a long time to adjust and define my position (as it was more or less open-ended in terms of responsibilities), but now I am doing my absolute best, and colleagues notice that 🙂 Things with my partner haven't been very smooth, but that is much more due to my own issues, though we both have things to work on. Overall, I've lost balance during most of last week, but have since regained it and am feeling great again.

How am I feeling right now

Quite complicated. Morning felt a bit too "slow" for me, and I've been having the internal fight between simply being in the moment and not letting stress accumulate within vs. pre-occupation with my performance. I know which will prevail, but I want to take more intentional steps towards getting out of discomfort zones quickly. 

Effectiveness 

On 7/10/2022 at 3:35 PM, Pochatok said:

I want to learn to accumulate more energy throughout the day instead of it dissipating by late afternoon

I think I'm better on this end- I don't let stress accumulate to a point of exhaustion and try to deal with it in ways prevetative. But, there is still so much to improve on when it comes to stress management! I want to feel better during work sessions, and take shorter, more efficient breaks whenever needed, instead of using them as a "last resort"... This has been certainly my thought for the last few weeks at this point. I'm improving for sure, but there is so much to unpack. 

Relationships

Since my partner has gotten back, I've not been seeing anyone else really. Yesterday I hang out with one friend, and Sunday I will be seeing another. I think that since my partner is back, there might be some slight shifts in how I perceive those relationships. That's not a bad thing, and I hope that I will not have much trouble re-adjusting my boundaries. 
I have been arguing with my partner though, which also on its own isn't bad. The issue is in the aftermath- the arguments are always very emotionally draining for my partner, but quite consequence-free for me. We've decided to put some of those difficult conversations on pause until we can manage them better. Not too happy about that, but I don't want to hurt them.

Moving Forward

I hope for the weather to get colder. 

On 7/10/2022 at 3:35 PM, Pochatok said:

contain that extreme excitement I go to bed with (and wake up with) for all of the day.

Mmm, didn't really happen, but I am now better at maintaining a strong drive for my passions overall. I have lost that excitement of waking up, as not sleeping alone just makes me want to stay in bed all day lol. I do hope to live even more through my passions, and not have any hobbies/distractions could my head.

 

That's all, thank you for reading!

Po

[Pochatok]

Update: ended up blocking the site. My mind just tends to work in a deceptive way that makes regulation difficult. Even with moderation, I still feel guilty from having urges control my behavior. Sports are very similar in what they teach me, but the delivery method is far less addictive, more immersive, and with more relevant rewards. I do think that playing FPS can train some specific skills, but it's too addictive for me. 

[Pochatok]

Another week, another round of Updates! As always, please skim through this to find something that's useful for you :) 

Gaming

On 7/23/2022 at 10:28 AM, Pochatok said:

I hope to play only as little as I want instead of having to block the game like all other.

Works so far! Occasionally play the FPS (<10min/day) on non-personal computers as a way to recharge during work, but it's still a bit obsessive. Been playing other games that are much more intristic (Minecraft, FixFox) and less addictive as a way to relax (but not the only way to relax). That also adds up to ~10mins/day on average, and I'm very happy with that balance. Managing my time well with games is very empowering, but managing it poorly is devastating- I will make sure to be aware of this duality. 

Recap of the week:

On 7/23/2022 at 10:28 AM, Pochatok said:

Things with my partner haven't been very smooth

Better there! Very glad that my job has ended lol, I'm back to the boring Office stuff at my Uni that I love so much 🙂 Designing a website, scheduling a Summer Camp in its entirety, and organizing so many small things... super exciting! My personal goals haven't been as great though- slowed down greatly on Instagram posts, doing much less visual-focused studies overall... I need a prolific art community to join! And, my online course ended today, which means it's time to look for another one! Exciting but also a bit nervous times of looking for new opportunities...

How am I feeling right now

Alright. First time having issues with pornography in quite a long time; I'm moving past those issues quicker, but they still sting. And, I'm lagging behind on some of my habits- my goals whiteboard has not been touched in a few days... I'm always in a rush to get the most basic daily practice done, but work and other responsibilities keep turning it from a peaceful period to an (exciting but tiring) rush. 

Effectiveness
"Perfection is the slowest way to perfection"

Definitely better at pacing myself throughout the day as I'm focusing more on enjoying the task (as that = doing my best). Nearly all of my stress comes from deeply internalized, nearly subcounscious, very quiet negative self-talk or short-circuiting mindsets. The more I continue to learn about my own psychology, the better I get at noticing these issues, the more capable I am of tackling them.
I guess what's bothering me most right now is that I do not have clear goals set. I hope to get to that soon. 

Relationships

On 7/23/2022 at 10:28 AM, Pochatok said:

have been arguing with my partner

We're doing better 🙂 Scheduled a couple therapy session for three weeks from now (much privilege, very fortunate to have that at my school), and have been much more caring and careful towards each other. Other than that, got the most warming, kindest letter from a friend; it made my day, I'm so fortunate to have someone like them in my life. 
One thing though, is I'm still quite socially anxious in so many situations. It seems that my level of comfort and confidence decreases super quickly without practice; every fall I pick up things from 0. I understand why things are this way, but hope to learn to not be caught so off-guard and experience so much stress with this.

Moving Forward

Weather got better lol.

On 7/23/2022 at 10:28 AM, Pochatok said:

I have lost that excitement of waking up

Still there haha, I much prefer to sleep in because I wake up tired. But it's one of the costs of living with my partner that I'm fine with, I guess? I'm not too tired, just not as energetic throughout the day.

Other than that, I hope to not be taken off-guard by things that are not in my daily routine, be more engaged and kind towards people I see on a daily basis, and read more.

Thank you so much for being here ❤️ 

Po

[nils]

On 8/4/2022 at 3:08 AM, Pochatok said:

Other than that, got the most warming, kindest letter from a friend; it made my day, I'm so fortunate to have someone like them in my life. 

Did you tell him or her that? 😊 I am sure it would make his or her day as well! 😉

[Pochatok]

On 8/16/2022 at 2:17 PM, nils said:

Did you tell him or her that? 😊 I am sure it would make his or her day as well! 😉

Haha yes, we had the longest exchange of affirmations and compliments. That friend goes by "she". 

[Pochatok]

I'm back! The last few weeks have picked up greatly in the busy-ness of things, but it's settling down to stable (if intense) rhythms. 

Gaming

On 8/3/2022 at 8:08 PM, Pochatok said:

Managing my time well with games is very empowering, but managing it poorly is devastating- I will make sure to be aware of this duality. 

With how busy I've gotten, it's been easier to manage this! However, at times it gets to the other side of the coin- I feel like there is not enough time to play. Been approaching this issue by trying to enjoy every moment of playing a game instead of pursuing a "goal". The more I'm getting into sound design, the more it seems that I will need to start playing games more; I'm not afraid though 🙂

Recap of the week

On 8/3/2022 at 8:08 PM, Pochatok said:

doing much less visual-focused studies overall

I've decided to cut on my visual creative productions for now, sadly. I've been splitting myself quite thin for most of August, and there are a few concrete goals I want to meet. There is no success without a couple sacrifices, even if they are temporary. Speaking of sacrifices.... Nah, that's a bad segway. Anyways, I've been doing okay otherwise. I'm taking on a huge (but not well-paid) job right now, and doing it very well. My partner and I are very busy and don't spend much time together, but I don't feel like it is affecting our relationship all that much, fortunately. Been thinking of calling my family for a few evenings now, and every time something else comes up... 

How am I feeling right now

Alright. I've slept for at least 8.5 hours today but am still feeling very tired. It's frustrating. I miss feeling energetic and excited when I wake up, but I think that it is partially tied down to bad weather and avoidance of a healthy morning routine. I am excited for today, however- I will get to work on lots of exciting things I've been putting off until now.

Effectiveness

On 8/3/2022 at 8:08 PM, Pochatok said:

he more I continue to learn about my own psychology, the better I get at noticing these issues, the more capable I am of tackling them.

Rings true even more- yesterday I played sports for the first time in a while, and noticed how much negative talk was spilling out... Excited to tackle this, but the amount of stress I am dropping on myself with this complicated habit is frustrating. I just want to enjoy things -_-

Relationships

On 8/3/2022 at 8:08 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm still quite socially anxious in so many situations

Been getting much practice in this regard. My ability to project warmth and confidence have definitely increased, and so has my comfort with meeting new people and public speaking. I do think that I have not been able to see many friends or call family due to how I'm prioritizing my day lately, which isn't great, but otherwise I am feeling very good socially. When I am confident and comfortable, other people act that way towards me to. The more I'll remember this, the easier will creating successful interactions with others become. 

Moving Forward

Weather has been fucking great. I miss the sunny days, but it's finally peaceful and breezy.

On 8/3/2022 at 8:08 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope to not be taken off-guard by things that are not in my daily routine

Lmao, I was so taken off-guard when my new job stared! Killed my passion for life for a couple hours for sure. I've given up now on having a very stable routine, because my wellbeing has to come first. I try to fit in as much as I can into a day, but am not focusing on being the most effective self as that can be draining. There is certainly room for improvement in stress management, and I will try to set concrete goals for the coming week in that area at 11AM today.

Thank you for reading! 

Po

[Pochatok]

First, I'd like to take a deep breath and reassess how my environment is influencing me right now... 

Took a sip of water, changed some of the lights on my desk...

Both feet on the floor, one deep breath...

Let's get started!

 

Gaming

On 8/21/2022 at 10:01 AM, Pochatok said:

trying to enjoy every moment of playing a game

With games that have little extrinsic motivation, this has been a joy to practice. Even 3 minutes of Minecraft can be spent in a way that strongly improves my emotional state. But attempting to play an FPS causes me to feel frustrated about the time wasted... Funny enough, I literally had a long dream tonight about playing an MMO, but as soon as I think of all the timesinks any and all of those games include, my excitement is lost 😆  I hope to continue to carry this thought with me: the long-term consequences outweigh the immediate benefits when it comes to addictive games. With how my personality currently is, self-control against addictive mechanics is draining.

Recap of the week

On 8/21/2022 at 10:01 AM, Pochatok said:

I'm taking on a huge (but not well-paid) job right now, and doing it very well.

     Realised that I've forgotten a core value of mine in the last couple of weeks: make no pride in doing my work, let others bring in the praise (if they have any). Making whatever I'm doing seem big and important shifts it into something scary, challenging, overwhelming. One of my family members is ridiculously successful and I aspire to them every day, but they always say "eh, it's all easy and boring and no big deal". 
      Anyways, this week has been a bit easier on me. I'm not feeling as busy, and have actually enjoyed some free time. It no longer feels like a 24/7 rush hour, and that helps me look ahead instead of being stuck in the 5 seconds that just passed. My partner and I just passed our 3rd anniversarry, which is something I almost forgot -_- Haven't had much time to work on sound design, but it's slowly coming back into my routines.

How am I feeling right now

On 8/21/2022 at 10:01 AM, Pochatok said:

When I am confident and comfortable, other people act that way towards me to.

Still don't keep this in my head often enough, though other lessons from "The Myth of Charisma" have been getting into my day-to-day happenings more steadily! I'm feeling pretty calm right now; recently, I saw the quote "your value is not determined by your productivity", and it has stuck with me good! Every time I say that, I suddenly feel that there are another 20 hours in my day and I can take some time to read a book or be with my partner... Quotes can do wonders!

Effectiveness

Going back to the fundamental approach of "enjoying the process -> entering the flow -> preventing/reacting early to frustrations -> staying in the flow -> best results" has been very helpful, though it's hard to not feel guilty for not being 100% effective right away. This approach takes time to kick in, but I know that the longer term results can be phenomenal. And, I am actually not feeling super stressed and tired at the end of the day, what?!?!

Relationships

On 8/21/2022 at 10:01 AM, Pochatok said:

I miss feeling energetic and excited when I wake up

Still rings true, and now there is a bit of guilt for taking the time to cuddle in the morning with my partner... Simply put, fuck capitalism and the workaholic culture. I'll try to focus more on having a reasonable excuse to stay in bed for 10-20 more minutes while feeling excited to get out of bed. Not feeling well when getting out of bed is the worst, and it affects how I treat my partner for the rest of the day 😞
Also, my family came for a visit, which was super nice! Everyone was very kind and chill, and it was just a great weekend overall. I hope that they all are doing just as fine at home, however; this was a very good weekend, but I doubt that it's the same when they come back home from a 12-hour workday...

 Moving Forward

On 8/21/2022 at 10:01 AM, Pochatok said:

I've given up now on having a very stable routine, because my wellbeing has to come first

Somewhat true! I am trying to balance my wellbeing with positive discipline and not let my routines slip away too far. Building Habits is a big goal of mine, and taking more than 1-3 days off from any routine is harmful to that. 
I hope to spend even more time reading, get better at prioritizing and organizing my day, and stop avoiding larger, looming projects (like publishing my research). 

Thank you so much for reading ❤️

Po

[Pochatok]

First, let's get into the right environment!

Get some water, clean up my desk...
Stretch wide, get into the most energetic posture...

Let's get started!

 

Gaming

On 8/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Pochatok said:

3 minutes of Minecraft can be spent in a way that strongly improves my emotional state

Been getting into more addictive loops with this game. It is not addictive by design, but I'm so effective at setting up my own goals that it becomes quite difficult to stop playing at the clock. I'll apply the general rule of habit building from Atomic Habits, "it's okay to slip up once, but once you repeat the same mistake, it becomes a pattern." And those are hard to break. 
Other than that, still have a very strong urge to reinstall games- almost downloaded one yesterday, stopped myself halfway through. Other historically harmful habits are also resurfacing; I've been simply taking it as a sign that I need more concrete (time and scope-wise) goals and routines. At the moment, it feels like I have "nothing" to do, and so timesinking into games feels just right. 

 

Recap of the week

On 8/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm not feeling as busy

Now I know that I felt that way largely because I quit most of my routines and lost track of goals. Today and tomorrow, I'll be spending a large portion of my day rebuilding them. 

My job has finally concluded, and I'm incredibly happy with it! I've learned a ton, and made more impact than ever. From now on, I'll seek out more executive-level positions. The amount of creativity and individuality I get to employ at such a global level of impact is an incredible experience... 

 

How am I feeling right now

On 8/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Pochatok said:

I suddenly feel that there are another 20 hours in my day

While it feels great to not be burdened by shame for not being too productive, I've totally forgotten that this same feeling is what got me addicted. I'd give myself the excuse to play games, browse internet, and engage in other potentially harmful, stressful behaviours through saying, "there is still so much time in the day left". Truth is, time is not important, and I don't ever want to use it as an excuse, be it "too little time" or "too much time". What matters is my internal motivators to do _ rather than _ . I've been overlooking motivation, and while I am not feeling bad over spending lots of time simply feeling good, indulging in those patterns any longer will begin to cause me stress. 

Otherwise, I'm feeling good haha. It's a fine morning. I am improving my sleep schedule and morning routines, and that always feels great. Love waking up feeling good!

 

Effectiveness

On 8/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Pochatok said:

This approach takes time to kick in

Still in the process of kicking in, I guess? I'm feeling less stressed about work, but I feel like it's because there is less work. There is still so much to work on when it comes to dealing with frustrations and stress factors as soon as they're on the horizon instead of when they're hovering right over me...

 

Relationships

So much to work on when it comes to having arguments with my partner... While we're doing great when, uh, things are great, I struggle greatly to comfort my partner when they are stressed. That often leads to some serious conflicts. We're gonna use our college student privilege and get a group counselling session; hope that will help. 
If looking beyond my partner and I's relationship, things are great. I feel very comfortable hanging with all kinds of people, and while I still prefer to be on my own, my social anxieties are having a historic low. Kudos to all the organizations I've been a part of this summer, they forced me out of my comfort zone and helped me adapt to, but also appreciate being more extroverted.

 

Moving Forward

On 8/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Pochatok said:

stop avoiding larger, looming projects

Oops haha. Gotta get to that ASAP, or else I'll have to pay out of pocket for a study abroad class...
I'm excited to be getting into a whole new year of learning, meeting people, creating awesome projects that I absolutely despise the process of, and simply being  student. But, I fear that I'll lose sight of my bigger goals again, and will end up dropping them for other projects. My desire to be an animator/sound designer is strong, but easily undermined... Time wil tell!

 

Thank you for reading, and I hope you can find some joy in the memories you've made today ❤️

Po

[Pochatok]

Feeling a bit anxious as it's late and I still haven't gotten to my HW...

But, this reflection is also extremely important to me and I do not wish to put it off any longer. 

I smiled, stretched, stood up and sat back down. Now I'm feeling excited for this!

 

Gaming

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

still have a very strong urge to reinstall games- almost downloaded one yesterday

     Woah! I did end up downloading and installing it, just a couple days ago (and, sike, because Minecraft is not "fun" enough). Now, I've been limiting myself pretty strictly to 15-20 minutes, but while the initial few days have been positive, I'm already starting to feel addicted. It's extremely frustrating that I'm not able to enjoy any more fun, exciting games without getting addicted.
       I'll install an additional set of limitations, and if that still leaves me feeling stressed, will uninstall the game. As someone who wants to work in the video game industry, I would like to be able to enjoy playing without becoming addicted.
     Perhaps, changing my reason for playing games into a more professional-oriented activity would help? Right now, I'm seeing it as entertainment, and that could be feeding into addictive behaviours.

I'm still commited to living an addiction-free life. If this doesn't get better by next entry, I will uninstall everything and erase all data🙂 
 

Recap of the week

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

I quit most of my routines and lost track of goals

Regained the routines, but need to work on goals to feel more motivated. I remember, early in the summer, I would wake up feeling genuinely excited to engage in the same activities that feel like a chore now. 
Anyways, school has started! Funny enough, it no longer feels that big- I'm enjoying work much more than classes (even though they're great), and hope to take on more awesome jobs soon. We'll see if my priorities change in the coming weeks.
Made a budget for the year, and it seems that I need to apply -and win- some scholarships! A good motivator to be doing more artistic stuff again lol 

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

dealing with frustrations and stress factors

Better here! All it takes, really, is having a more efficiency-oriented mindset, where the only important thing in the process is the goal itself. In other words, I don't worry as much about having a perfect route towards the destination, and only correct my route if I'm experiencing stress/frustration. In terms of practicing music and exercising, this has been giving me amazing results.

 

Relationships

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

I struggle greatly to comfort my partner when they are stressed.

Ey, had a couple counselling session to work exactly on this issue, and it has gotten better! I do feel a bit out of my skin when saying things differently from how I usually say them, but I hope it's just a matter of getting used to... being kinder, lol. Also, visited my family, and was super happy to see one of my parents act much more positive. While they're still struggling with many things (and I hope to help), being around my family now is an overwhelmingly positive experience. I'm so grateful for the collaborative work on improving our relationships within family- thank you parents, siblings, and friends! 

 

Moving Forward

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

or else I'll have to pay out of pocket for a study abroad class...

AAA Still haven't done it, but it seems like it will be okay now? I will for sure have time for this over the weekend, and the motivation is there again now that I'm interacting again with the people who I consult on these projects.

On 9/6/2022 at 10:09 AM, Pochatok said:

My desire to be an animator/sound designer is strong, but easily undermined...

Too true still, it takes a lot of thinkfeeling to get myself more precisely motivated for doing any creative work. I don't want to let it slip away from me. 
But my biggest worry is regaining my addictive behaviours and losing my general sense of motivation for real life. I might be too paranoid...

Thank you for reading! Hope that you've found something inspiring or helpful in this entry. 
Po ❤️

[Pochatok]

Thank you for stopping by ❤️ I hope that you will find something useful for yourself in the entry below 🙂 I try to organize my journals in a way that encourages skimming and reflections on the past.

 

Gaming

On 9/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm already starting to feel addicted.

That feeling continued to linger, even though changing gaming from a leisure activity to an exercise in focus and charisma (lol) helped quite a bit. I've decided to uninstall the game until the weekend. I plan to play for 20 min on Fri and Sat. If urges are too strong to regulate that, I will uninstall the game again, wipe all progress, and block the download site.

Overall, it seems that moderation will come much more easily when making games actually will be my job, as then I'll have a completely different mindset about it. It seems that the way I classify the act of playing affects a lot what chemicals get into my brain 🙂

 

Recap of the week

On 9/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm enjoying work much more than classes

      Still am, but classes are eating up a lot of my time even with a minimum amount of effort (which i hope to minimize further lol). Classes are great and I can feel myself be challenged every day in a multitude of ways. Extracurricular and jobs are currently at the periphery, and I only get to them in the evening. I will try to create a different schedule over the weekend so that my most passionate doings get priority.
     Other than that, the news in Russia are quite saddening, and my siblings have gotten COVID (fortunately, light). My partner and I are having the usual arguments, which is frustrating, but it will get better soon, as it always does. We have another couple counselling session today!

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 9/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, Pochatok said:

I don't worry as much about having a perfect route towards the destination, and only correct my route if I'm experiencing stress/frustration.

Such a tight balance! Practicing music has been more distracted than usual because of how relaxed I am. Perhaps, besides reading more on this, part of the solution is not getting myself too comfortable, and instead creating an environment where I can upkeep focus while limiting stress. Relaxed =/= empty minded.

Definitely want to start reading more again. Every time I sit down to read for 20-30 minutes, I get up with so much new knowledge!

Another frustration is having entertainment balance out my hobbies. Right now, entertainment > hobbies, so when I have spare 10-20 minutes, I'll default to the former. I keep meaning to start pouring more time into my hobbies, but those 10-15 minutes I could use are usually spent browsing through internet. Was it different before? 

On 7/10/2022 at 3:35 PM, Pochatok said:

the 2nd half of the day (around now) is when I tend to lose motivation and slow down

Hmm, I guess it was simply different! Distractions were more contained, but it all comes down to taking proper breaks when I am stressed out, and doing entertainment when I'm in a more stable, relaxed space. 

 

Relationships

On 9/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope it's just a matter of getting used to... being kinder

So much to improve upon here! Both me and my partner tend to put our frustrations and anger in front of kindness and understanding. I think that it's a very long process of unlearning, but hope that we will start seeing concrete progress soon.

Hope to call my family tonight and see more friends in the coming weeks. I've been pretty social, seeing people at lunch/dinner every day and hanging out 1-1 a couple times per week, but there are many friends who I still don't see much 😞

 

Moving Forward

On 9/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, Pochatok said:

I will for sure have time for this over the weekend

Sike.

This weekend is less loaded, but at this point I am still learning to balance and plan my academic life. I very much want to get to publishing my research, applying for grants, scholarships, and catch up with some long-forgotten projects. Perhaps, I can try to desire all these things a bit more, and, perhaps, my priorities will change with that.

I hope to balance my time between what I think is important and what I am passionate about better in the coming week, and to feel more secure and happy about my romantic relationship.

Thank you for reading! Hope that you've found something inspiring or helpful in this entry. 
Po ❤️