Pochatok Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 Am 100% struggling to get these in as dailies- perhaps that's unrealistic, given that I already have a personal blog, journaling, two trackers, and other forms of writing. It can be helpful to highlight my thinkfeelings and learning from a post-addiction perspective here. So, I'll keep coming here whenever it feels appropriate. -- Last couple of days, struggled w/ loneliness. After seeing a new-made friend for a bit, I realized how much I crave in-person connection. Just genuine, loving connection is such a big need. When I am away from people, it gets numbed. When I am around, it skyrockets. With that, my replacement coping mechanisms have also been growing- I am overall isolating more (talking less to friends virtually), am engaging in more sexualized dehumanization (i.e. porn), and find my self-esteem dropping (lack of social validation from others...). This is most definitely unsustainable and even dangerous to my wellbeing. I need friends that are nearby, even if that's hard to admit. Yes, I'm fine- but I can be so much happier. So, an ask of my immediate self: start meeting people who I can access w/ ease. For now, commit to 1 social event w/in 15 minutes of travel from my house/week. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace92 Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 5 hours ago, Pochatok said: Last couple of days, struggled w/ loneliness. After seeing a new-made friend for a bit, I realized how much I crave in-person connection. Just genuine, loving connection is such a big need. When I am away from people, it gets numbed. When I am around, it skyrockets. This is what I've been struggling with. My therapist suggested that I commit to two clubs on campus to see and continuously connect with the people who regularly attend said clubs. It was good advice, but I'm dealing with a lot of confidence and self-esteem issues. I'm stuck in this period where I feel I'm becoming egocentric a little bit as I've labeled almost everyone around me as dumb or stupid. This is the result of being placed into a team of ignorant, lazy people for a group project (that's 30% of our grade, but they ignore all the instructions then complain when the professor informs them about the poor job they did, for doing their parts at the last minute), and dealing with a hypocritical roommate. Doesn't mean everyone is dumb though. I also just enjoy my privacy a lot to consider if I even want more human interaction, but I know I need it because I become upset and just rot in my bed knowing that my one friend is meeting potential partners and hanging with others like it's nothing. Not sure how I can get out of this cycle. The one social event a week seems like a good strategy, keep me updated on how it goes. Wishing you the best on your social journey. Ace 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 (edited) Struggling again, this time w/ simple motivation. My morning routine struggles- if I do not start it correctly, everything crumbles. Even one piece of the equation missing results in loss of presence. Today, I took out exercise- did some minor stretches, but did not work out in the morning. Then, I avoided journaling, resulting in 3min worth of mindless internet browsing, then another 20mins of escapism following a 2hr worksession. I can do much better, if I set myself up for success. No distractions until evening, period. No movies, no social media- only actual efforts. This must be a solid rule, that I will follow consistenly. First approach: keep myself logged out of all socials during the day. Log out at the end of every night. -- @Ace92- thank you so much for sharing your experiences w/ me, I want to give them more space and respond later ❤️ Edited February 21 by Pochatok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 Hmm, for me I have no friends now, apart from internet ones, and I don't know, I don't feel lonely as far as I can describe my successes and discuss something. I never experienced loneliness, but maybe it because of internet friends. In my country, my city most of people keep touch with me because I am useful for them, and I know it. One my mistake etc, and it won't happen again. But here,in internet no one knows, do I have job right now or not, am I useful or not, but u and some other guys help and share advice. Maybe that's why I don't feel it right now. Also if I feel anything related to being lonely, I read a book Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 On 2/20/2024 at 10:37 PM, Ace92 said: This is what I've been struggling with. My therapist suggested that I commit to two clubs on campus to see and continuously connect with the people who regularly attend said clubs. It was good advice, but I'm dealing with a lot of confidence and self-esteem issues. I'm stuck in this period where I feel I'm becoming egocentric a little bit as I've labeled almost everyone around me as dumb or stupid. This is the result of being placed into a team of ignorant, lazy people for a group project (that's 30% of our grade, but they ignore all the instructions then complain when the professor informs them about the poor job they did, for doing their parts at the last minute), and dealing with a hypocritical roommate. Doesn't mean everyone is dumb though. I also just enjoy my privacy a lot to consider if I even want more human interaction, but I know I need it because I become upset and just rot in my bed knowing that my one friend is meeting potential partners and hanging with others like it's nothing. Not sure how I can get out of this cycle. The one social event a week seems like a good strategy, keep me updated on how it goes. Wishing you the best on your social journey. Ace Hey! I hear you, self-esteem and confidence are hard to maintain. I do want to also interconnect them with your "egocentric" behavior. Imo, raising self-esteem actually raises your insecurities, as self-esteem is based on social status/approval from others. Confidence is the opposite of insecurity: babies are 100% confident because they have no insecurities. As we gain insecurities (from becoming attached to the social importance of status, i.e. self esteem), we lose confidence. And as we gain even more insecurities, to the point of significant social anxiety, we develop narcissistic behavior. For me, and it seems for you, the narcissistic behavior is the combination of an inferiority complex (self-esteem issues) that is compensated by w/ a superiority complex (everyone is dumb). For me, then, it was important to first work through my own sense of inadequacy, through my insecurities. From there, I was able to replace self-esteem with self-compassion (something that is independent of how others treat you). Once that happened (still not 100% there!), I was able to let go of the superiority complex as well, and treat everyone as no different from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 On 2/21/2024 at 2:16 PM, Dark said: Hmm, for me I have no friends now, apart from internet ones, and I don't know, I don't feel lonely as far as I can describe my successes and discuss something. I never experienced loneliness, but maybe it because of internet friends. In my country, my city most of people keep touch with me because I am useful for them, and I know it. One my mistake etc, and it won't happen again. But here,in internet no one knows, do I have job right now or not, am I useful or not, but u and some other guys help and share advice. Maybe that's why I don't feel it right now. Also if I feel anything related to being lonely, I read a book Imo, I think social habits and needs vary greatly- I generally don't experience much loneliness either. However, often I also numb my feelings of loneliness by indulging in compensationary mechanisms; imo, "reading a book" when you're lonely can calm you down and help you ground yourself, but it does not address the social needs you may have. And I do believe that nothing replaces in-person connection. But, all of my close-close people are only available online, and I get out into other social circles about once a week. That isn't enough- I do struggle with more anxiety and stress than usual. However, it covers the "minimum", and I will move to a different area in 4 months, so this loneliness temporary sacrifice I am willing to make for the sake of getting more done in other areas of my life ❤️ Just my perspective! Not doubting your sense of loneliness, but want to share how it works for me! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 Feeling sooo done w/ pornography. I have moved through so many struggles, yet this one consistently comes back. I feel annoyed, disappointed, frustrated. So, let's take it seriously- I will start a counter. Will post every day through the 90 day period- brief, 1-3min morning reflections on how I'm setting myself up for success, and what I'm struggling with. -- Day 0: relapse. Reason: Felt tired, a need to become more energized. Essentially, this is a form of self-harm: numbing my feelings while simultaneously preparing myself to release them. Now they're being released- but I did not need to go through that experience to arrive to here. Takeaway: Remind myself that I am engaging in self-harm. Remind myself that what I really want is to listen, not numb myself. Let's try it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Don't doubting you or something but just wanna ask. Maybe it's only me, but whenever I stop watching pornography hormones take over too much and I start doing stupid things. Do you have such a problem and how u solve it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 @Dark Not quite sure what you mean by "stupid things"? To me, there is definitely some withdrawal effects, given that porn does play a role in my life. Taking porn out, temporarily decreases my ability to cope with stress. Recognizing the coping mechanisms that show up to fill that void as such helps tone those effects down, and over time I am able to replace those effects with purposeful activities like self-compassion journaling. -- Day 1/90 Thank you to all those who read my journals and keep me accountable. I appreciate your support ❤️ Anticipating struggle: most likely after work, towards the evening. I tend to get tired and sleepy at that time, and usually revert to [p] as a way to gain energy. Preventing failure: read a book, send voice message to a friend instead. Recognize that [p] is an act of self-harm, and that i don't want to numb my feelings. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 Wow, it's day 6 already. Time to reset the clock, though. Yesterday was a major relapse. Until then, I had some minor urges, but did not take them seriously enough. Right before bed, I lost about 40 minute of time to pornography. It felt all so regrettable. I told myself so many lies. Why this happened: I felt like I needed to "bring myself down". Sometimes, other people's presence can feeling of being "more than" someone else. I cannot bear a feeling of superiority- I know that I am equal; to "even" things out, I do something that causes me to feel lesser than someone else. Yesterday was like that. How to prevent this: journal more. Become more aligned w/ my belief that I am no lesser and no more than anyone; if I agree to treat myself w/ self-compassion, always, this will not be an issue. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 @PochatokI also have a pornography problem, but there is major problem for me is when I stop this addiction I start being more aggressive, can't think of every move I make, and sometimes lose time just by dreaming of some girl or chasing (trying to start dating etc) and not achieve goals. I call it stupid things) I didn't find way to cope with that( except maybe having it as real sex, but I don't have one) , so right now I am focusing only on sugar and gamefree detox. But i stopped watching videos etc, now it's just pictures. But still bad, I guess.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandTrees Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 (edited) On 2/28/2024 at 7:50 AM, Pochatok said: Wow, it's day 6 already. Time to reset the clock, though. Yesterday was a major relapse. Until then, I had some minor urges, but did not take them seriously enough. Right before bed, I lost about 40 minute of time to pornography. It felt all so regrettable. I told myself so many lies. Why this happened: I felt like I needed to "bring myself down". Sometimes, other people's presence can feeling of being "more than" someone else. I cannot bear a feeling of superiority- I know that I am equal; to "even" things out, I do something that causes me to feel lesser than someone else. Yesterday was like that. How to prevent this: journal more. Become more aligned w/ my belief that I am no lesser and no more than anyone; if I agree to treat myself w/ self-compassion, always, this will not be an issue. Over the past few years I have found that I will treat gaming as a relapse, but not porn. I used to watch porn 5 times a day every day for years. Now I watch maybe a few times a month. I think this is acceptable for now. I have found porn way more difficult to quit than video games. I think if you aren't depending on it to get through stressful times then it's not as bad as gaming only because it's more of a natural function and is less time overall than 8 to 24 hour gaming sessions. Also, if watching porn leads to gaming again then definitely avoid. I just haven't had that correlation for me. Everyone is different though. Just remember you're aware of this and taking it seriously. Some people just watch 5 hours of porn every day and game maybe 1 hour. It's different for all. I think it's important to monitor how porn impacts your average day. Are you losing sleep? Are you skipping work and avoiding bills? Are you not socializing or cleaning your house or taking care of your hygiene etc? Edited February 29 by BooksandTrees 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikar Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said: Over the past few years I have found that I will treat gaming as a relapse, but not porn. I used to watch porn 5 times a day every day for years. Now I watch maybe a few times a month. I think this is acceptable for now. I have found porn way more difficult to quit than video games. I think if you aren't depending on it to get through stressful times then it's not as bad as gaming only because it's more of a natural function and is less time overall than 8 to 24 hour gaming sessions. Also, if watching porn leads to gaming again then definitely avoid. I just haven't had that correlation for me. Everyone is different though. Just remember you're aware of this and taking it seriously. Some people just watch 5 hours of porn every day and game maybe 1 hour. It's different for all. I think it's important to monitor how porn impacts your average day. Are you losing sleep? Are you skipping work and avoiding bills? Are you not socializing or cleaning your house or taking care of your hygiene etc? Great points by @BooksandTrees. I remember I used to watch porn daily as well, though it was always an evening thing for me. Since then, I've cut it by 80%, meaning I watch it maybe few/several times a month now too. It got cut down so much automatically, because well... I got a life. I only ever regret watching it in relation to my girlfriend, as her libido is higher than mine and we are wondering how much of that can be explained by my usage of porn. And again, if I was single, I would wonder whether it would be a problem at all and how much of that would be explainable by not having a girlfriend. Context is key. I also didn't notice any connection between porn and gaming. Plus Books is right that the average "porn" session is many times shorter than the average gaming session. It's literally physically impossible to masturbate the whole day. As long as you feel it's not sabotaging your life, I think occasional recreational use is tolerable. Even if you never watch porn again, then there's also the topic whether/how much you should use your imagination, how much should you be "present" and listen to your body during masturbation etc. It's not really a problem to be "solved" per se. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 Appreciate your input, @Dark, @BooksandTrees, and @Ikar, I feel empowered and responsible ❤️ ❤️❤️ Unlike @Dark, I do not experience any significant drawback from not watching porn, but it still feels like a significant interference w/ my life, because I've educated myself plenty on how harmful the porn industry is, in countless ways. And, to watch porn is to be out of alignment w/ my values- I hate, hate with a passion sexualizing others, especially women. Perhaps, it is an issue of not having my life "together". I don't have the daily opportunity to love and connect w/ people in ways that are meaningful to me, and porn is my "don't know any better" coping mechanism. Except that I do- so many things have worked, historically to replace porn, from books to connecting w/ real people in different ways. Porn does not interfere w/ external parts of my life- getting things done, on time. But, it greatly shatters my inner self- it impacts my sense of integrity, it makes me see bodies before seeing people, it causes me to look and act towards people (especially women) in ways that make them uncomfortable. And that's the last thing I want. So, it is hard right now b/c I am not experiencing a loss of integrity- I don't sexualize others to a point where it truly frustrates me since I am mostly by myself, and am not around people who can be desirable/attractive. But this is a subversion: the more I resort to porn, the less I connect w/ my friends (tested countless times over). Ultimately, I want to quit. Back to groundhog day: 0 I will dedicate time, right now, to tell one of my friends how much I love them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 Day 0, still- let's try to make it through. I've set some vague goals, exercised, but otherwise have been passive- and it's been over 2 hours since I've woken up. What's missing is a clear set of immediate goals that can direct me from the moment I get up. I am too caught up in the moment, I am not making decisions beyond "today". And while that has been making my life feel full and exciting, it is also a lot of time and effort, to plan every single aspect of my day. Today, I will set up more thorough routines that I will stick to for 4-6 days/week. Yesterday, relapses were centered around moments when I felt like I needed "more energy" or was escaping emotions. Today, I will keep learning self-compassion and kindness. Ultimately, I want to be happy, and be free- that starts with being fully present and grounded in myself. This feels vague, but I'll let it roll for now. I'll see if I can add more. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 4 Author Share Posted March 4 Day 1 - yesterday was too busy for any urge to even cross my mind. Today though, 2 hours since awakening, I am already overwhelmed by urges. However, I decided to journal here first, because I know that I want to live by my values. I want to be happy and free- that starts w/ integrity, presence, and self-compassion. Right now, my urges are high b/c I am not aligned/informed by my goals. Instead of setting my goals, I've prioritized exposure to people and information. It is meaningful, but in the wrong order. Tomorrow onwards, I will make sure to set down my plans, goals, aspirations, and a vision of future self BEFORE exposing myself to ANY external information. Let's get it rolling- will work on my goals now. Po Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 5 Author Share Posted March 5 Day 2 - had some cravings, didn't give in! And, had a wonderful improptu date that left me w/ 6 hours of sleep, but anyways! I feel like a lot of my social urges were met. I felt very loved and gave a lot of love, too ❤️ Today, I will also be quite busy and quite tired. I anticipate accumulating urges as the day goes on. My response will be, "I want to be sustainably happy- meaning I will simultaneously push myself towards creating a better world AND be gentle and caring. Pornography is neither of those; instead, it weakens my sense of integrity, raises my insecurities, and distances me from the world I want to create" Let's get rolling 🧻 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 7 Author Share Posted March 7 Day 3 - only three days, but going smoothly. That date revitalized my passion for spending time w/ people rather than images. Main risk on my mind is forgetting my values, so let's recap them: - Honesty - Service - Compassion - Wellbeing - Integrity - Happiness - Autonomy - Change - Adventure - Madness How does pornography's interfere w/ my values? When I engage w/ pornography, i.e. dehumanization through sexualisation, I am not compassionate. The very process of sexualization denies one's full humanity, which is incompatible w/ compassion. To comfort this dissonance, I lie to myself when I watch pornography, and undermine both my "honesty" and "integrity" values. As a consequence of lying and living in alignment w/ so many values at once, I also become unhappier. As a result, I feel less confident in myself, which in effect stagnates my ability to change (as in order to change, I need to feel like I know who I currently am). Alright, so let's not watch it! Majority of my values are interfered w/ when I engage in pornography. Excited to take it on tomorrow- I am already 5% done 🙂 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 7 Author Share Posted March 7 Day 4 - want to keep this consistent to mornings. No urges today. I know that people who love me and see me are near. I want them, not a drug. I no longer need this drug, and I am cultivating better drugs- reading, resting, meditating -as an alternative. They're still drugs, and are to be treated with caution, but their benefit on my wellbeing will be always net-positive. I want to be free, happy, honest, ambitious, passionate, obsessed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 8 Author Share Posted March 8 Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to. I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience. For now, I can say that I was not kind to myself, to my deeper dreams and aspirations, to my future self. I am sorry for letting you all down. My relationship with you is far more important than any other, and yesterday I pretended like that was not true. Doing what's "good in the moment" is a lie, because I hope to live another day. In fact, I hope to live for many, many days. I cannot, therefore, make decisions for the present w/out consideration for that. No more sacrifice zones! I will take good care of my future self. Perhaps I've not been connecting to them often enough. Po 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 8 hours ago, Pochatok said: Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to. I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience. It's good! This is the way I believe in you) I believe that having someone special in your life adds energy and motivation for you, if I understood you right 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 11 Author Share Posted March 11 So, on Day 7- relapse. Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home. Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better. No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that. Onwards: My values are - whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism - honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness - deviance // as opposed to conformity - integrity // as opposed to inconsistency - discipline // as opposed to discontinuity - visioning // as opposed to momentous - presence // as opposed to passivity - compassion // as opposed to apathy - obsession // as opposed to effort - clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness - determination // as opposed to inclination 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 12 Author Share Posted March 12 Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better. Onwards. My values are: - greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me // - whole-wellbeing // i am my environment - deviance // conformity is a slow death - integrity // unbreakable commitments - discipline // nourish routines - visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble - presence // no passivity - compassion // always breathe w/ kindness - obsession // do not settle for effort - clarity // act decisively - determination // do not surrender With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in. Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 5 hours ago, Pochatok said: No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. Bro lets go through tough times together i believe in you. Maybe it will help if you are so tired | focused that you couldn`t think of porn or something like this? I believe you CAN do it the day#2 and day#3 are the hardest ones on habits but you set your values and remind yourself about it every time. Also to stop relapse a practice of asking why are you doing this may help. Not only before porn but before every action it will help to keep you mindfull 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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