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Ending the Loop


Pochatok

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Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will.

For some reason this comes up for me when I read your journal entry. Perhaps it might be helpful for you, I don't know. Often, the restrictions we chaff against are opportunities to practice good virtue, whether that be patience, diligence, prudence, or simply cultivating the ability to accept situations as they are.

I suppose it could also be an opportunity, when we have set our own house into something approximating order, to speak candidly about the tyranny we might find ourselves exposed to.

Anyway, back to lurking. Hope you all have a good day, internet strangers! ❤️

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On 12/6/2023 at 10:26 AM, Ikar said:

I've been thinking about this paragraph for a while. One thing that came to my mind was to use the existing framework to get the closest to the point where you want to be. In other words, not everything is horrible and the parts that are good can help you and be to your advantage. The framework can be quite rigid, but it can still support you and help you.

Over time, you'll get enough freedom to make your own decisions more and more. That freedom comes with time and dedication, some would maybe say discipline. I'm self-employed myself, so I understand your vision to do things your way in animation and writing, though I am quite on the "safe" side as an English teacher. The objective is the same though: give people what they (and you too!) want and have a good life as a result.

I hope what I wrote makes sense 😄 

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I definitely hear you on that- my life isn't all that horrible, by any means. I am very much grateful and using my current situation to my best advantage AND ALSO understand deeply that I want to be elsewhere. I think that there can be room to hold both true. 

Where I am is a necessary step towards my next destination. And it still sucks. 

I can't wait to grasp that freedom you're describing- I'm glad you get to enjoy it in your own way! 

Thank you again for sharing, you made me smile 💛

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On 12/6/2023 at 11:01 AM, DanielG said:

Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will.

For some reason this comes up for me when I read your journal entry. Perhaps it might be helpful for you, I don't know. Often, the restrictions we chaff against are opportunities to practice good virtue, whether that be patience, diligence, prudence, or simply cultivating the ability to accept situations as they are.

I suppose it could also be an opportunity, when we have set our own house into something approximating order, to speak candidly about the tyranny we might find ourselves exposed to.

Anyway, back to lurking. Hope you all have a good day, internet strangers! ❤️

Thanks for bringing that in- I've not heard that verse, it made me think and feel new things!

Thank you for the reminder to keep patient, and continue to exercise my virtues- sometimes, I do throw away what the present offers because it's "not good enough". But that shouldn't be putting me off.

And truly, I do hope to expose myself to the tyranny more. Looking into my present with gratitude, but also noticing all of the oppressions it contains is what pushes me forward. Without that, I doubt I'd want to struggle and work so much. 

And not a day goes without exposing myself to others' oppressions- I am so privileged to be employed, to have 3 meals a day, to have clean water, to be safe from violence. That too, helps me remember why the pain I'm putting myself through is a choice.

Thank you so much for giving me your words as an opportunity to reflect and heal 💛

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Been going through some hoops the last few days- dropped my wellbeing journal, dropped my passions. Completed the former just now (screenshot below), and planning for the latter as soon as I write this up.

image.png.76ba742f521ec3a250e978d58d447c9f.png

even w/out the key, you can see the fluctuation...

I've been learning a lot the last two days. About the world around me, about things I don't know. It's both a joy to rediscover learning, and hindrance to maintaining a balanced lifestyle- learning overwhelmed me and my day. I want to keep making things, keep a steady tempo when creating, and not succumb to processing information constantly. As appealing as that is in the contemporary state of endless distraction, learning is MORE than processing information. Remember that.

Grateful for all the relationships I have. Grateful for all the relationships that are yet to blossom or are in the process of (will be socializing so much tonight- hella excited for that). 

Grateful for all the work I've already accomplished, and for all the privileges I have in my current living situation- the ability to rest safely, without worrying about sudden life/status-threatening interruption. 

I must continue to work. So many people around me will benefit from what I do, including myself. I don't want to live in the comfort of constant learning. I must stay resistant to the sweet sirens of my privileged lifestyle. I want to stress myself out, to be in pain and struggle and fear that is an inherent part of living fully and making change. 

Onwards, to a better now.

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Still dying- feels like a rock bottom, though I've literally been experiencing these EVERY single week as of lately. 

Costa Rica- 1st week of November

A week of recovery (two, really) afterwards)

Last week of November- a friend's visit

Then a week of recovery

And now I'm in 2nd week of December.

I want to get out of here. I cannot sustain my best self working here. This is not the community that empowers me, that helps me struggle. This is not the job where I feel like I am making a difference on things I care about. I am not around people who reaffirm and expand my values. 

I am so grateful for all the privileges this job and living has given me, yet none of them are exactly what I want. 

I want to be an educator. I am most capable of creating direct change when I educate others. 

I want to be an animator. I am most capable of creating global influence through this type of creative work. Within that, I also want to be an illustrator, performing musician, and composer. 

There is so much I've been learning about the world and what I want to change about it, yet I feel so stagnant in enacting that change.

No more- I want to get to work now.

 

what a journey this was - and so for every reflection on GQ

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Back towards a deeper living style. Part of the troubles of the last couple of weeks: I lack ambition. Somehow, it has completely slipped from me within the last month. I am only dreaming locally. I have no grander aspiration- just the present moment. As much as this feels like a very engaging way of living, it leaves me w/ low-hanging fruits of "mediocre but successful life". Plenty of friendships, a secure job, comfortable living, hobbies. But where's changing the world, where's going to bed excited to wake up the next day, where's jumping out of sleep with determination, and where's fearing dying too soon?

Therefore, let's dream here once a week. Tuesday sounds like a good day for dreams. 

First, a mantra:

 I've spent 1235 weeks on this Earth. I have ~2700 weeks left till I die, if all goes well. 
Today is the youngest I will ever be, and I will die today, and tomorrow a new person will wake up in my body.
  Be useful to the present moment, to the present people, to the present earth, to the present self
  My environment is who I  am - shape the land, shape myself

Admiration Aspirations (2mins):

:117_eyes: To be Time's "Person of the Year" by 2027

:117_eyes: To have 10,000 followers on YouTube by 2025

:117_eyes: To be invited to speak at my High School Graduation Ceremony by 2025

:117_eyes: To be invited to speak at my University's Grad. Ceremony by 2026

:117_eyes: To receive a national-level award for my creative work

Output Aspirations (2mins):

🧱 Direct an Animated Movie by 2027

🧱 Direct an Animated TV Show by 2028

🧱 Direct an Animated Short by 2026

🧱 Produce a Video Game by 2029

🧱 Educate 100,000 individuals by 2030

🧱 Publish 5 books by 2026

🧱 Speak at 100 events by 2026

 

How do I get there, now?

⚒️ Create an animated short within the next 5 days

⚒️ Create a short movie within the next 30 days

⚒️ Create a short series within the next 100 days

⚒️ Earn from animation within the next 150 days

⚒️ Earn full-time $$$ from animation within the next 200 days (mid-June)

 

⚒️ Finish writing 1st Research Essay by end of this week

⚒️ Write 1 thousand-word essay per month, and publish monthly

⚒️ Write 2 300-word blogs per month, publish monthly

 

Strategize:

📊 First, create enough animated work to launch a website

📊  Use Website to publish essays and blogs

📊 Earn enough attention online w/ Animation to begin earning

📊 Start smaller: create drawings, comics. Do things that I can get feedback immediately on and create quickly

📊 Optimize my day: read self-help books recommended by Vinh Giang for 1hr/day

 

:325_sparkles: Immediate Action (right after writing this):

⏲️ 90 minutes for drawing/illustration/character animation

 ⏲️ 60 minutes for reading

 ⏲️ 12 minute meditation

 ⏲️ Asleep by 22:00

Edited by Pochatok
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12 hours ago, Pochatok said:

 I've spent 1235 weeks on this Earth. I have ~2700 weeks left till I die, if all goes well. 
Today is the youngest I will ever be, and I will die today, and tomorrow a new person will wake up in my body.
  Be useful to the present moment, to the present people, to the present earth, to the present self
  My environment is who I  am - shape the land, shape myself

This is beautiful. I may add this to my own morning affirmations.

If I might make a suggestion for your goals, try to think of what actions you must take each day or week (depending on the goal) to reach your target. It'll help you know whether you are moving in the right direction, even if you choose to say, "I'm on the right path and feel comfortable not doing that thing today." As David Allen says, you should feel just as comfortable about what you are not doing as what you are doing. Everything at the right time in the right place, I suppose. Just a thought, though you will know best how these goals can be achieved (I have only rudimentary understanding of the animation process, for example).

But I really like the goals and format!

Edited by FDRx7
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@FDRx7Thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much to know that my writing made an impact on you 💖

Want to keep myself accountable: made a "timed" gaming session for a high-focus strategy game, and got carried away. I think that video games are simply not it- they're designed to be addictive. And when they are not, I have no desire to play- a very familiar loop.

So today, I had no desire to play UNTIL I engaged in the addictive loop. Uninstall, block app. 

Reflected on my values for 10 minutes. I want to live by my values.

So much time spent simply "cleaning up" after a gaming session- not worth it. A reminder that no activity w/ addictive components is short-term or long-term sustainable. It always causes damage. NO damage is worth the benefits, ever. 

 

Edited by Pochatok
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Week 1206 of being w/ this Earth.  

General overview: A week that I felt good about. Every day was an attempt to build upon the last, to strive deeper and higher. Every day can be better. Today, as it been already, can be better. But I only have the present moment to work with. 

 

Mantras:

 Every choice is a sacrifice

  Presence is the only measure of excellence

  God is skill, God is change

  I am my surroundings - shape my space

  Immersion is the only measure of expertise

Quote

Diving deeper on last week's- lovely! Like all of these, they are a step towards more intentional being.

 

Admiration Aspirations (2mins):

👀 To be featured in 100 podcasts by 2025

 👀 To be admired by all the people whom I admire by 2025

 👀 To lead an animation studio by 2027

 👀 To publish a best-selling book by 2027

 👀 To have 10K followers on YouTube/Instagram by  2025

Quote

Less public speaking than last week, and more general "publicity"-centered goals

 

Output Aspirations (2mins):

🧱 To produce an animated series by 2027

🧱 To create a short movie by Feb. 2024

🧱 To write a book by 2025

🧱 To earn full-time wage from my core passions by 2025

🧱 To be able to translate my artistic visual/aural visions into the world w/ perfect clarity by 2025

🧱  To publish 10 research articles by 2027

Quote

Far more narrow than last week's aspirations, huh! I forget that I have more than my core passions...

 

How do I get there, now?

⚒️ Keep making animated shorts- make no work LESS than 30s in length. Be ambitious. Take time, but deliver big!

⚒️ Start branching out on social media as soon as I have enough presentable content for 2 weeks worth of posting- it nurtures commitment and growth

⚒️ Begin writing a book as soon as January- keep track of the whole constellation of my thoughts and ideas. 

⚒️ Practice daily; expertise is immersion, but skill is speed. 

⚒️ Publish my goddamn essay- finish it up before 2024. I've been dragging it on for too long. I must create work. Be vigilant.

Quote

Much less time-fixated than last week; ultimately, it is all about what I choose to do now. No quantitative goals truly work for me- quantity isn't a good unit of measure for my work anyways.

 

Strategize:

📊 Keep making content- I need enough not for a website, but for a portfolio. Until I reach that point, no one will take me seriously, sadly. And ultimately, I don't want popularity- I want a committed following. 

📊 Keep reading- don't stop learning about ways of doing things better. At this point in my life, self-help is a waste of time, but it gets me reflecting.

📊 Start small- do create more immediately-completable work w/ which I can get attention, feedback, and a foundational following. But, keep focus on the mountains. 

Quote

Change of flow from last week: I no longer want a portfolio. I started substack for writing, and will keep social media running for visual/aural work. This is more than enough- not much is needed to gain an online following these days. And, the work of creating a dedicated following isn't about quantity of posts, but their quality- so focus on the work!

 

Immediate action:

⏲️ Keep writing- I got 2 more hours today to finish up my essay. And every time I'm tempted to do ANYTHING but that, be doubtful of my desires! 

⏲️ Put in solid 90 minutes for animation. This is NOT the goal, but a commitment- goal is to accomplish as much as I can within those 90 minutes, to be of expertise and excellence.

⏲️ Read plenty of self-help today. Don't negate evening rest, give myself at least an hour of time before bed. Yesterday, it took me an hour to fall asleep because I simply don't let myself wind down. 

 

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A moment of struggle: feeling inaquedate/not being enough at work. my position involves a lot of non-consensual policing, which is not easy for me to reckon with. yet, it is also necessary, and i understand that. when possible, i make decisions in favor of consensual policing, though i often feel that my supervisors will disagree- "you are too trusting, too kind, etc.". 

what i have done today, is reported all of the recent decisions made in favor of "lighter" policing, and will see how my supervisors reply. i will trust them to build my judgement, but first i trust myself and my decision-making process. yes, it can be "too soft", but i believe that i'm learning to balance softness and firmness necessary for this position a bit better.

still not convinced! yes, indeed, there is a behavior i am ashamed of: i walk away, i disengage in moments where firmness is called for. it's not that i am soft or trusting, but in flight-fight-freeze, i most often flee. and it's not been getting better- i only confront when i expect confrontation; every time something catches me off guard, i run away.

main difficulty with this behavior now is that i notice it afterwards. there is a quiet voice telling me something's off in that moment of trouble, but i silence it. 

the only way out is to be more prepared, to make a habit of expecting things to go off- because it does happen in a pattern. nothing is truly out of the blue. it's a simple solution, really, and the solution i strive for in all areas of my life- be present, yet anticipate. think onwards, yet don't evade.

amen

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, here's the "new" year, in Gregorian sense at least. Personally, it does feel like a new time- celebration and rest brought a sense of rejuvenation.

Let's Reflect:

An amazing time at home. I have no regrets for taking rest, for sleeping more than usual, for messing with my sleep schedule. I wanted to be present in that environment, fit its energy. I am glad to have been amongst my loved ones, on their plane of being- chaotic, unsettled, laid-back, privilege-enjoying. 

During that time, I have felt young again. There is so much growth I want to commit myself to:

  • Stand my ground even when I cannot back myself up by "Reason" - trust my gut, and challenge supremacy of logic
  • Be more careful w/ my words, as per my parents' advice - in most difficult moments, maintain highest calm
  • Always keep an active posture. Always be present. Never let go of being here - passivity means losing myself
  • Journal every day no matter what. Don't let go of my values- remember who I want to be is who I am now
  • Breathe more- so many moments of tension could have been eased quicker
  • Do not indulge in activities that are inherently addictive- I fell to so many distractions
  • Always ask, "is this where I want to be right now" - don't fall compliant 
  • Listen to my body- overeating, soreness, fatigue... all can be avoided with care

 

Let's set goals!

My personal attention span for long-term focus seems to be ~1 week, with commitment ability at ~50 days. So, let's make 50 day goals w/ weekly "segments", aligned to 3,5,10-year dreams:

:325_sparkles: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):

  • 10Y: Lead a world-renowned animation studio- Studio Ghibli
  • 10Y: Critical background support for a radical educational group- Rosa Parks of Civil Rights
  • 10Y: Receive world-level awards for my worldbuilding works- Emmy, Nobel, NYT Bestseller
  • 10Y: Critically support an Oscar-winning animation film
  • 10Y: Personally educate 1 million people- talks, workshops, etc.
     
  • 5Y: Publish 3 books 
  • 5Y: Direct an animated TV Series
  • 5Y: Win an international award for my Worldbuilding efforts
     
  • 3Y: Reach 100,000 people with my work
  • 3Y: Become internationally visible
     
  • 6MO: Have a full support system (finance, social, etc.) to live by my values, full-time

:325_sparkles: goals (50days- by March):

  • Create a worldbuilding portfolio- writing, illustration, sculpted time (visual and audio)
    • Make all of that by February, have a portfolio launched by end of Feb.
  • Earn first $500 from my passionwork
    • Earn $100 from my passionwork by February
  • Make 10 posts total for my visual AND aural passionworks
    • Insta: Animation, Illustration (3-6 posts)
    • TikTok: Music Performance (2-4 posts)
    • Twitter/Whatever:  Sound Creation (2-3 posts)
    • Substack: Writing (1-2 posts)
  • Submit my research essay 
    • Finish by Jan 10th - MAIN GOAL

:325_sparkles: habits (immediate):

  • Journal 3x10mins/day
  • Sketch 10mins/day
  • Worldbuild visually 30mins/day
  • Worldbuild aurally 30mins/day
  • Practice music performance 10mins/day
  • Worldbuild via writing 60mins/day
  • Meditate 20mins/day
  • Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
  • Keep a daily tracker, and actually fill it out!
  • Limit my spending to fit the budget- more $$$ means sooner quitting!

 

Thank you for reading! Hope this inspires you to live your best life ❤️ 

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19 hours ago, Pochatok said:

6MO: Have a full support system (finance, social, etc.) to live by my values, full-time

Earn $100 from my passionwork by February

Earn first $500 from my passionwork by March

Limit my spending to fit the budget- more $$$ means sooner quitting!

I'm fairly interested in how these money steps are going to work out for you. It seems to me that you are just starting out to "manage" your money with a greater goal in mind. It's definitely a good idea to have something to fall back on if things aren't going as planned. Good luck!

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9 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm fairly interested in how these money steps are going to work out for you. It seems to me that you are just starting out to "manage" your money with a greater goal in mind. It's definitely a good idea to have something to fall back on if things aren't going as planned. Good luck!

Thank you for reflecting on my writing, it always means so much! I am lucky to be financially secure; these $$$ would be "extra" income. Only if I manage to earn $2-3k/mo by end of Summer, I will quit my full-time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A few days late- what an incredible week, after week, after week! So much change is happening, I am filled with reflections and a growing desire for engaging w/ "my world".

Let's Reflect:

Quote

I am glad to have been amongst my loved ones, on their plane of being- chaotic, unsettled, laid-back, privilege-enjoying. 

Still true- though I now acknowledge how that is only possible when I am within the space called "home". Last weekend, a friend visited, whose mode of living is so disruptive to mine... It was an amazing time, but I over-compromised my own routines, and that brought a lot of pain.

Quote
  • Always keep an active posture. Always be present. Never let go of being here - passivity means losing myself
  • Journal every day no matter what. Don't let go of my values- remember who I want to be is who I am now

Not following through on these two resolutions- posture keeps falling through, and I've not been journaling every day. Lots of reflection, but not as much structured thought. Especially at the most crucial time of the day- mornings.

This week has been complex- rebuilding from the devastating time w/ my friend, reconsidering my passions (another loop in the spiral), and yet beginning to live differently- with more love, local engagement, and deeper awareness of and alignment to my core values.

Let's set goals!

:325_sparkles: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):

Quote
  • 10Y: Critical background support for a radical educational group- Rosa Parks of Civil Rights
  • 10Y: Receive world-level awards for my worldbuilding works- Emmy, Nobel, NYT Bestseller
  • 10Y: Personally educate 1 million people- talks, workshops, etc.
     
  • 5Y: Publish 3 books 
  • 5Y: Win an international award for my Worldbuilding efforts
     
  • 3Y: Reach 100,000 people with my work
  • 3Y: Become internationally visible
     
  • 6MO: Have a full support system (finance, social, etc.) to live by my values, full-time

These still ring true. Let's complicate!

  • 🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc.. This includes:
    • having international level of influence with my being - my plain existence, thoughts, looks making an impact
    • international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (imagining radically different futures) worldburning (imagining the destruction of current infrastructures of power)
    • international influence with my direct education efforts- empowering individuals and communities
       
  • 🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements
    • my work empowers people to action
    • my work influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures
    • my work challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc.
       
  •  3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far
    • generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius)
    • unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts
    • develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my impact - spread my influence globally, on local levels
       
  • 🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values
    • sustain myself financially through an area of passion- creative, education, discourse
    • bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living
    • guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities

 


:325_sparkles: goals (50days- by March):

Quote
  • Create a worldbuilding portfolio- writing, illustration, sculpted time (visual and audio)
    • Make all of that by February, have a portfolio launched by end of Feb.
  • Make 10 posts total for my visual AND aural passionworks
    • Insta: Animation, Illustration (3-6 posts)
    • TikTok: Music Performance (2-4 posts)
    • Twitter/Whatever:  Sound Creation (2-3 posts)
    • Substack: Writing (1-2 posts)
  • Submit my research essay 

All of these ring true, though need elaboration:

  • Essay is not my #1 goal, but a perpetual effort- I'll never stop writing, and will never stop learning. It's a continuous expansion of my awareness and understanding of the world. As such, the deadline is oriented for this upcoming Monday (~ 1 week behind past deadline). The essay will not be complete, but I will be able to submit a complete narrative arc for consideration.
  • Sharing my work is non-essential. Instead, aim at creating good work. Sharing it matters, but less so than excellence at the product. Aiming to be presentable contrasts deeply to targeting exceptionality.
  • Portfolio efforts are most immediate- social media should follow, not precede an exceptional portfolio. So far, most success has been in photography- I recently won an :325_sparkles: international award :325_sparkles:, and have been getting client work opportunities. 

Beyond that, I want to commit to consistent local service- to live by my values, to enrichen my awareness of the world, and to simply be the best person I can be. Goals above are draining. Local service is empowering.

 

:325_sparkles: habits (immediate):

Quote

 

  • Journal 3x10mins/day
  • Worldbuild visually 30mins/day
  • Meditate 20mins/day
  • Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
  • Keep a daily tracker, and actually fill it out!
  • 1hr of learning about current issues/day
  • 3-5hrs of local service per week

A lot of last week's habits didn't stick b/c of their low relevance: I don't care for music at the moment b/c there's no local engagement. My visual art is not engaged with locally, but I have a robust audience of loved ones and the internet. Meditation is not practiced, but it is important. 

Some other habits, already practiced:

  • Writing daily for 60-90mins
  • Improving educational/technical abilities of 2D creativities, for 20-40mins/day

A few more to let go of:

  • Performing music, in general: I've got no audience that could grow into a local opportunity. Online, I could get a following. But, w/ my current knowledge, there just aren't any opportunities to educate. If I can't share my knowledge, I don't want to nourish it.
  • Same principle also lets go of: at-home artmaking and interacting w/ entertainment (I'm not writing reviews, still- if I were, I would). Don't learn what I can't apply; every interaction w/ the world is learning.

Thank you for reading! Hope this inspires you to live your best life ❤️ 

Edited by Pochatok
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Brief reflection on a frustrating Sunday:

Lost an hour to "lunch", but so much of it was a mixture of rest and work. The two cannot be mixed together. I cannot attempt to take in pleasure while also undertaking goal-oriented efforts. 

For me, to act in a goal-oriented manner is to act beyond what I immediately desire. Eating amazingly-tasting food, on the other hand, is the opposite. Doing both at the same time is so exhausting- and so, for the last hour-ish, I've been in a draining limbo. 

I achieved little, because I didn't make space to prioritize my thoughts and intentions.

I feel like going on a walk for 10, 20, maybe 30 minutes.

Nothing frustrates and self-shames me more than moments like this, where a failure to be honest and transparent to myself results in painful mistakes. 

No more. I want no more of this- the actions of the person I was 30mins ago are hurting exponentially in the present; I feel so much jealousy towards my future self- he is healed, rested, at peace. 

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Circling back to Tuesday reflections, slowly. 

This week in a few words: cathartic failures everywhere.

Let's Reflect:

On 1/12/2024 at 10:55 AM, Pochatok said:

I've not been journaling every day. Lots of reflection, but not as much structured thought. Especially at the most crucial time of the day- mornings.

Still true. I feel like I'm continuing to be more kind and loving and graceful with myself. And with that, comes more rest. And with that, comes boredom. And with that- realization that I'm still not living a life that feels truly purposeful. Why bother writing? Why bother doing these monumental projects? 

Sure, I care for a better job/community/environment, and will continue to hold up my routines solely because those things matter. But the grander system of dreams is lacking. I can make up these incredible goals and aspirations for all sorts of accomplishments, but none of them matter beyond admiration. And not to neglect social status- it matters! But, an internal drive is lacking. 

And, I'm done picking up others' purpose- it just doesn't last. I keep reading book after book on these awesome people whose energy is infectious. But, I don't stay sick for long, and routines turn monochromatic again. 

This week, I've been isolating myself from inspiring and exciting works- because they simply trip me into running further. I want to fly. 

Let's set goals!

:325_sparkles: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):

On 1/12/2024 at 10:55 AM, Pochatok said:
  • 🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc.. This includes:
    • international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (imagining radically different futures) worldburning (imagining the destruction of current infrastructures of power)
    • international influence with my direct education efforts- empowering individuals and communities
       
  • 🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements
    • all of my work empowers people to take direct action
    • my work globally influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures
    • my work globally challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc.
       
  •  3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far
    • generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius) that will be recognized on an international level (to be featured in podcasts, host talks, etc.)
    • unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts
    • develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my impact - spread my influence globally, on local levels
       
  • 🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values
    • sustain myself financially through an area of passion- creative, education, discourse
    • bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living
    • guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities

The above are from last week, with edits in italics.

6MO ULTIMATES:

  • Live the most purpose-full life I've ever lived
  • Practice collaboration, organizing, and leadership on a daily basis- no more lone wolfing
  • Channel the world through me daily- meditate, ponder, get lost within the environment

 

:325_sparkles: goals (50days- by March):

On 1/12/2024 at 10:55 AM, Pochatok said:
  • Journal 3x10mins/day
  • Worldbuild visually 30mins/day
  • Meditate 20mins/day
  • Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
  • Keep a daily tracker
  • 1hr of learning through reading
  • 3-5hrs of local service per week

In bold are those I am yet to act on; those in italics are successfully integrated. The rest are a WIP. I want to push myself to excellence, but I keep landing in complacency. No more. Yes, I want purpose- but it is built on a disciplined lifestyle. Reflecting under warm blankets is giving me no better answers than artmaking; the latter has more interpersonal impact, though. 

Some things I want to let go of before next reflection.

  • Picking my face- quit it! become invested in facial care.
  • Sleeping in/waking late/going to bed late -> strive for purpose. When all else fails, discipline of habit MUST hold me up. 

 

Thank you for journeying alongside- I hope this entry brought you something to reflect on ❤️ 

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Back to Tuesday reflections, yay!
Last week in a few words: a slow death


Let's Reflect:

On 1/17/2024 at 8:47 PM, Pochatok said:

And with that- realization that I'm still not living a life that feels truly purposeful. Why bother writing? Why bother doing these monumental projects? 

Moved paced that, finally. But not into a place of passion- rather, anticipation. I know what I want to live a fully purposeful life, and a lot of it is internal- being present, acting with intent, taking courageous action every day... And also, it's about who I am helping with my work: right now, it's a bunch of rich people. I am not helping people in need much, if barely. I want to be of use where my hands are needed. 

On 1/17/2024 at 8:47 PM, Pochatok said:

the grander system of dreams is lacking. I can make up these incredible goals and aspirations for all sorts of accomplishments, but none of them matter beyond admiration

This still rings true, and in combination w/ the desire to be of use to people who I believe will benefit most from my whole being... I feel quite lost- it's hard to look broadly with aspirations that are aimed at the immediate. When the point is to simply get started, my reach is inherently limited. I know that I want to reach millions, but how do I accomplish that from where I am? My immediate aspirations are so far out from that. 

And w/ this dilemma unsolvable, I have been feeling stressed. This unmovable object has encouraged isolation and anxiety within me- I've been feeling more acute of time's limitations, but not in that I am, broadly speaking, gonna die. Rather, the anxiety of having a meeting scheduled tomorrow, of knowing that I won't have all the time in the day. 

To keep reminding myself that now is all I got is the only way. Stop expecting that more time in the future is the solution; tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Those meetings are only challenging me to be my best self. Hopefully, life is long and I get to make it all the way through to the top of my aspirations; but regardless, today is all I got. 

I still want to fly- but it's not something that will happen; I either leap into the sky now, or never in particular.

 

Let's set goals!

:325_sparkles: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):

On 1/17/2024 at 8:47 PM, Pochatok said:
  On 1/12/2024 at 10:55 AM, Pochatok said:
  • 🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc.. 
    • international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (supporting the visioning of radically different futures) worldburning (supporting the visioning of destruction of current infrastructures of power)
    • international influence with my education efforts- fostering communities and leaders that do the worldbuilding and worldburning (which I envision)
       
  • 🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements
    • all of my work empowers people to take direct action- nothing within my life is contributing to injustice
    • my work globally influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures
    • my work globally challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc.
       
  •  3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far
    • generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius) that will be recognized on an international level (to be featured in podcasts, host talks, etc.)
    • unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts
    • develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my direct action- spread my influence globally, on local levels
       
  • 🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values
    • bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living
    • guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities
    • enable myself to work for free- live off of donations/mutual aid systems
    • minimize isolated work to worldburning/building- all else is communal, not independent

The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits:

I no longer want a stable income, but to not need an income at all. I want to work for free, because so often what I do is reserved for very, very privileged few. The audiences I want to work with will likely not provide- so how do I serve them while sustaining myself?

- I want to interconnect my education/direct action and the worldbuilding/burning efforts. For my visions to be the subject of my students, and for the classroom discussions to influence what worlds I envision. This would be an incredible synergy to achieve.

 

:325_sparkles: goals (50days- by March):

  • Journal daily
  • Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day
  • Meditate 20mins/day
  • Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
  • Keep a daily tracker
  • 1hr of learning through reading
  • 3-5hrs of local service per week
  • stop picking my skin
  • be up by, not with sunrise

Most of these are achieved (those in bold are not) - service is slow to kick in, but I've signed up for numerous opportunities and am active. So, let's set some more:

  • Publish my academia- work through it. It was a January goal, and I am still nowhere near moving past it. It's not a big public thing, but to have it be reviewed and finalized is simply an important act in its own. It will help me narrow down my direction for worldburning efforts.
  • Share my worldbuilding online- it's past time of passive learning. With February kicking in, I need to start creating an audience. If I want to work for free, I need to have a community willing to take care of me.

Again, just two goals, but they're huge- the former has been in the words for last 5 months, and the latter has been a struggle for far longer. They're existentially-critical aims, achieving which is unimaginable!

That's all for this week- it's been challenging, but my determination to life fully, with a sense of joy, satisfaction, and purpose is as present as ever. Just need to let it channel through.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Time management has been a struggle. But I'm committed to building better, slowly.
last week in one sentence: motivational rollercoaster

Let's Reflect:

On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:

the anxiety of having a meeting scheduled tomorrow, of knowing that I won't have all the time in the day.

This is gone. I am back towards being preoccupied by the broader movements of life, of others' wellbeing, and of my own. It feels good to feel urgency from sensing the world change, the present slip away, rather than from watching the clock.

On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:

I still want to fly- but it's not something that will happen; I either leap into the sky now, or never in particular.

Been exercising connecting w/ my past and future self more frequently. My current pathway towards exceptionality seems to be compassion and grief + future self imagining + presence + determination. When those four are intertwined, I am at my highest.

Other than that, it has been a strong yet disorienting week. I am a lot more determined, yet action has been stalling (as with this journal entry...). I am passionate, yet habits are not being built. I am courageous, yet insecurities leak through. I am determined to build better, higher, but I am missing a solid, determined plant and am wallowing in shallow waters as a result.

So, let's plan!

Let's set goals!

:325_sparkles: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):

On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:
  On 1/17/2024 at 8:47 PM, Pochatok said:
  On 1/12/2024 at 10:55 AM, Pochatok said:
  • 🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc.. 
    • international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (supporting the visioning of radically different futures) worldburning (supporting the visioning of destruction of current infrastructures of power)
    • international influence with my education efforts- fostering communities and leaders that do the worldbuilding and worldburning (which I envision)
       
  • 🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements
    • all of my work empowers people to take direct action- I set others' spirit on fire
    • my work globally influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures
    • my work globally challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc.
       
  •  3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far
    • generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius) that will be recognized on an international level (to be featured in podcasts, host talks, etc.)
    • unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts
    • develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my direct action- spread my influence globally, on local levels
       
  • 🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values
    • bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living
    • guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities
    • enable myself to work for free- live off of donations/mutual aid systems
    • minimize isolated work to worldburning/building- all else is communal, not independent
    • bloom a thorough habit network that empowers me to sustainably do the impossible, routinely

The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits:

- just one: rebuild a habit network that sets me on fire. This month, that has been brought to shambles, and I am yet to rebuild. I am happy with my spirit, but frustrated with the efforts and their tempo.

:325_sparkles: goals (50days- by March):

  • Journal daily
  • Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day
  • Meditate 20mins/day
  • Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
  • stop picking my skin
  • be up by, not with sunrise

 done already:

- local service -> 4 different organizations, yay
- reading daily -> at least an hour/day, yay
- keeping a tracker -> daily habit
- reflecting here every week -> w/ delays, but consistent

🔺 need effort:

- meditating -> weekly goal of 7 sessions
- worldbuilding -> weekly goal of 2 animations
- writing -> weekly goal of 2 essays
- daily journaling -> journaling 7 times

🏹 ambitions:

- write a paragraph every day for my book
- read 3 books/month
- take 30 photos/month

So, no more concrete goals- strong systems that will amount to surplus of achievements, I think. It seems that creating concrete deadlines for truly grand projects is just unrealistic. Let things fall into place on their own, with no expectation- but create systems that will GURANTEE creation of grand projects within 100 days. 

With this, onwards! 

Thank you to all who read my entries, and who share their own thinkfeelings on this forum- you inspire me every day. 

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Still lagging and distracted, but approaching a far more grounded lifestyle!
last week in one sentence: disorganized aspirations

CHANGE IN FORMAT

So, I am now moving to a personal blog site (here!) for weekly updates, and this will be a more casual daily tracker. I'm 80% done with setting up my "new lifestyle", the aspiration toward which can be found in the blog.

So, let's check the daily (I will be updating this every morning):

ROUTINE TRACKINGS:

awaking: late, quick

exercising: enough, but a lot of sitting down

journaling: minimum in the morning, didn't reflect much throughout the day

planning: plenty. proud of how much I was able to put together for my future vision

connecting: minimum, responded to a couple friends but so much more i wish i had the time to share 

focus session (FS) 1: none today, no time

FS2: nope

FS3: nope

FS4: nope

learning
- at lunch: watched "stalking for love" and "the lesbian gaze" video essays. i am grateful for being granted awareness of the unquestioned, quiet, but incredibly harmful discourse that media perpetrates, and for being provided better alternatives- for both my own behaviors, and media choices
- spanish: none today, but downloaded/purchased necessary learning material, yay!

reading-1
- spanish: n/a
- non-fiction: 30min session- learning about limitations of current environmental movements

reading-2
- fiction: n/a

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- newsbrowsing- got lost in memes and things that are interesting, but not important.blocked the news site
- eating poorly- very narrow nutrients; no veggies or protein. missing veggies, meats, dairy, softer foods
- picking my face a lot at the end of the day- mistake, mistake! quit it. get rid of my mirror
- overall passivity- i am observant, but not proactive. my communication skills are close to exceptional, but my presence is lacking. i am not the leader i want to be.

 

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Another day, another me! How'd I do yesterday?

ROUTINE TRACKINGS:

awaking: on time!

exercising: plenty- walked around the city, up hill, and had a thorough lower body exercise

journaling: plenty- throuhgout the day

planning: insufficient- evening was very slow and unfocused as I had not set any aspirations for it

connecting: plenty, met some people, presented myself strongly

focus session (FS) 1: none, no time again- though could have allocated time in the morning/evening!

FS2: nope

FS3: nope

FS4: nope

learning
- breakfast: learned about alexathymia- not to self-diagnose, but the connections between emotional openess and childhood isolation are helpful!

reading-1
- non-fiction: while on the train, read through good 20-30 pages of a critique essay. hard to follow, but well-structured thought

reading-2
- fiction: a bit before bed, though re-reading what I already know, rather than moving into new works

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- plenty of picking my skin
- distraction w/ small tasks rather than large aspirations
- "learning" that was really me flying all over the place, searching for entertainment

 

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A new day, a new me- yet again!

ROUTINE TRACKINGS:

awaking: slept in slightly 

exercising: enough- good morning session + brief evening gym visit

journaling: a bit in the morning, but not sufficient

planning: insufficient again, though I was able to fill my evening w/ purpose

connecting: didn't meet new people, didn't quite connect w/ those around me

focus session (FS) 1: pushed all the way to evening, but some good work made- was able to write a story + 1st animated shot

FS2: nope

FS3: nope

FS4: nope

learning
- early morning: podcast on discipline, purpose, meaning- no new ideas, but if felt nice to hear them rephrased by a different voice
- early morning: short video on importance of emotional intelligence; felt good to have my values reaffirmed, as I already practice much of what the video preached
- morning: learned more about demographics of different us states- the more i know, the more i am confused... 
- evening: watched an essay on importance of 2d animation, was quite meaningful to see that 

reading-1
- fiction: flipped through some pages of known work; need to start a new one asap- the current one is dragging me out!

reading-2
- none

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- after work, struggled to get back in focus and resolved to pornography; first relapse in 3-ish weeks, but i want to do better than that!
- plenty of distractions for news/video game development. i don't want to indulge in this- only engage in meaningful content

 

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Yet another day, grateful to be alive and breathing

ROUTINE TRACKINGS:

awaking: didn't sleep in, but turned the alarm off- I keep going to bed far later than I would like to, dragging out the evening.  I need to prioritize mornings more. They're far more critical than evenings. If I go to bed on time, I'm able to achieve so much more and feel brighter, happier. 

exercising: plenty- a prolonged leg workout, with some more walking/running during the day

journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in

planning: some- failed to plan out a few very important tasks, but otherwise a productive, focused day

connecting: minimum- stayed rather isolated, and did not talk w/ many folks overall

focus session (FS) 1: animated plenty- pretty happy w/ how determined I was

FS2: animated some more! got the 2nd idea started, yay

FS3: n/a

FS4: n/a

learning
- morning: on my homeland, geopolitics, and comlicated history of revolutions and coups in eastern european region
- afternoon: 2 online learning sessions on current global wars, plus cop city in atlanta webinar

reading-1
- morning: on climate justice

reading-2
- evening: on climate justice, some more

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- lots of picking
- social media- especially discord
- some rabbit hole dives- wanting to suddenly search something, and then spiraling for 10-20 minutes on tangents
- very weak desire for sexualization- did not listen, but still was distracted by. 

 

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Yet another day. Feeling more strings attached to my yesterday's self- struggling to aspire onwards. Let's work through that once I am done w/ this!

ROUTINE TRACKINGS:

awaking: on time! alarm hit off, I took a couple minutes but got up quickly

exercising: enough- morning movement, and then some walking troughout the day

journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in

planning: not enough- a lot of time lost throughout the day to a sense of uncertainty

connecting: enough- responded to some voice messages, met a few people

focus session (FS) 1: very brief, in the evening

FS2: n/a

FS3: n/a

FS4: n/a

learning
- morning: on russian feminist movements- quite fascinating
- spanish: missed!

reading-1
- evening:

reading-2
- n/a

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- lots of zoning out
- lots of "let's relax and do nothing"
- skin picking less than avg., but still there
- some media forgetfullness- but not much!

 

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Oopsies! A whole three days w/out any accountability. Do not want to step back into such apathy again.

2/14-15: missed

2/16:

awaking: no alarm- waking up towards 7, past sunrise, but get out quickly

exercising: excellent- missed the morning session, but had a profound afternoon	

journaling: enough- missed morning, but caught up on afternoon and evening sessions
 
planning: enough- but, my apathy made all planning meaningless

connecting: enough- chatted w/ friends near and far, and made an effort to reach deeper empathy

passion: not enough- apathy

learning: not enough- missed on spanish, didn't hit that many books; however, educated myself on plenty of important topics: more nuanced perspectives on russia-ukraine war

reading: not enough- minimum evening reading, no books

DISRUPTION TRACKINGS:
- a lot of mindless "learning" that really is just unguided exposure to news. not helpful
- tv shows- only meaningful when i approach them w/ intent, not w/ escapist itching

oh also, i did try a new cinnamon rolls recipe- more learning!

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