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Dasvira's addiction journal and confessions (starting again...)


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On 11/15/2020 at 9:39 AM, dasvira said:

Yesterday at night I was feeling like trash and took some emergency sleeping pills I have in case my sleeping patterns get too messed up, just after I wrote my original post (I have to work nightshifts most weeks).

 

Brutal. I was assigned night shift 2 weeks in a row a few years back. It was quiet for one, but really took a toll on me. Slept in the car from 8am to 4pm because I was too tired from work. Then drove home. Never again.

2 hours ago, dasvira said:

I'm on a 24h shift today

How is that even legal? What is your set rotation or schedule? Is it straight nights or do you alternate?

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10 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Brutal. I was assigned night shift 2 weeks in a row a few years back. It was quiet for one, but really took a toll on me. Slept in the car from 8am to 4pm because I was too tired from work. Then drove home. Never again.

How is that even legal? What is your set rotation or schedule? Is it straight nights or do you alternate?

 

I don't think that my night shifts are that bad, when I consider that I sleep 3-5 hours during them.

24h shifts are quite stressful indeed, but they are a common practice in some professions in Brazil (and I think that in the USA too). That being said, not working previous week and instead having to do 24h shift yesterday was 100% my own choice, so I can't really complain about it.

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Day - 8 of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

Nothing really new, trying my best to concentrate in my studies and ace the USMLE exams.

During the morning I read the Gamequittersforum for about one hour. I don't think it was caused by procrastination or compulsion to surf, but rather a bad management of time. This forum is great and all, but from now on I am ONLY accessing it in the night with a 25min timer (counting right now).

Other than that I surffed for useless information about Apu (of the simpsoms LOL) for about 5 min, and watched a 10 min video from nofap. I also oppened this forum for about 2min after that. No majors compulsions for surfing. It is not quite what I want (which is no surfing at all), but I must say I am happy with my improvement.

My mood is also better I feel a better capacity to concentrate. I also feel that daydreaming reduced by a lot.

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 8:00

Got out of my bed - 8:00

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 11:10

Mind wandering/ wishful thinking/ daydreaming episodes: 10:30

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (but not a lot of it)

I did meditate.

I didn't exercise (gym close on sunday)

I did journaling.

I studied only for about 5-6 hours (1:23 minutes of classes + 28 pages of textbook + 33 questions).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 7

 

Days without:

- gaming: 08

- TV / streaming: 08

- Porn: 08

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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It seems like you're making big progress on your goals, keep it up!

 

36 minutes ago, dasvira said:

. It is not quite what I want (which is no surfing at all), but I must say I am happy with my improvement.

I'm glad you can be happy about improvement and not fully getting there right away. I have seen with some of my friends and even myself, get frustrated we don't get the outcome we want despite all our efforts. I now think it's really important to look for the smallest bit of improvement in whatever you're doing no matter what it is. Glad you're doing that

good luck on your journey

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21 hours ago, royal panda said:

It seems like you're making big progress on your goals, keep it up!

 

I'm glad you can be happy about improvement and not fully getting there right away. I have seen with some of my friends and even myself, get frustrated we don't get the outcome we want despite all our efforts. I now think it's really important to look for the smallest bit of improvement in whatever you're doing no matter what it is. Glad you're doing that

good luck on your journey

 

Thank you for your support! As much as I would like to stop surfing immediately and I am sometimes impatient for some more immediate personal growth, I takes time to change bad habits that I cultivated for so long. Any improvement is better than keep in the circle or procrastination and entertainment, playing fucking video games all day long and not doing anything with your life.

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Day 9 - of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

Spent the entire day almost with no surfing, aside from a 20 min surfing lapse in wikepedia (about geographical content). Other than that I accessed gamequitters forum twice but only for 2 and 1 min. I also goolgled a quote I like "Comparison is the thief of joy" and surfed a little bit for about 5 min. Other than that no major cravings for surfing.

I had a little bit of craving for porn today, but I resisted the urge.

My study habits are improving slowly, but steady. I am still not quite in my 10 hours of daily study goal, but I can see important improvements compared to to earlier in my previous week. I am also enjoying to study much more (because I am refraining from doing anything else LOL).

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 7:10

Got out of my bed - 7:10

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 8:30

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (but not a lot of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise (gym close on sunday)

I did journaling.

I studied only for about 6:30 hours (9:00-11:15; 15:17-16:18; 17:21-20:40) (1:19 minutes of classes + 69 pages of textbook + 32 questions).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 7

 

Days without:

- gaming: 09

- TV / streaming: 09

- Porn: 09

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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Day 10 - of my journey to overcoming my gaming, porn and internet addiction:

Again I spent the day almost with no surfing. I only searched reddit about divorce for 15min in the morning (I never even had girlfriend LOL, It just shows how distracted I can be at times). I also tried to surf twice time but quit it in about 1 min each (one searching about Massimo Piugliucci and in another I oupened the GameQuitters forum out of compulsion).

Other than that I researched about personal health and dog health for about 30 min, but I don't consider it surfing because (they were rather legitimate doubts) there was no compulsion and I don't regret it. I thought about how nice it is not to worry about politcs or the news and later found this article as I was searching for a quote I like about having only few opinions:

https://aryatra.com/stop-having-opinions/

Studies improving and today was my most productive day in months, even if it is still not what I am aiming for.

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 5:30

Got out of my bed - 6:45

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 8:00

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (but not a lot of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise (gym close on sunday)

I did journaling.

I studied only for about 7:30 hours (9:34-11:15; 14:45-15:40; 16:00-19:05; 19:20-20:15; 20:30-20:50) (3:34 minutes of classes + 31 pages of textbook).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 8

 

Days without:

- gaming: 10

- TV / streaming: 10

- Porn: 10

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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Day 11 - of my journey to overcoming my gaming, porn and internet addiction:

Not surfing is very hard when you keep the entire day studying in front of your computer. I kinda off fucked up by researching useless information int he wikipedia today for 45min. Other than that, I spent 50min reading (and worrying) about problems physicians face in the USA, when I am still doing the steps... I already have plenty in my life to have the luxury to worry with immaginary problems.

That being said, I am still satisfied on how today turned out. I felt pretty well along the day an I was productive in my studies.

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 5:30

Got out of my bed - 6:10

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 9:00

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (but not a lot of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise (gym close on sunday)

I did journaling.

I studied only for about 7:00 hours (9:30-11:05; 14:30-15:25; 16:10-18:50; 19:40-20:50) (3:08 minutes of classes + 26 pages of textbook).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 7

Days without:

- gaming: 11

- TV / streaming: 11

- Porn: 11

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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Day 12 - of my journey to overcoming my gaming, porn and internet addiction:

Did a 12h shift today. Unfortunately I came back to home tired, opened porn (disabled getcoldturkey) and fapped before taking a bath. I don't really feel bad about myself, because even if I want get rid of porn I think it is not as problematic as TV, internet and games. That being said, I am still committed not to see porn (forever, should I have the perseverance). I realized porn didn't make me feel better but worse and doesn't do anything good for me in the long term.

I see my journey as a lifelong commitment, so now there is nothing else that I can do other than restarting the counter....

Did only 10 min of surfing today.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 12

- TV / streaming: 12

- Porn: 00

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

 

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Dropping one thing cold turkey is hard enough. Three things at once is hella tough. Good on you for getting right back into the commitment.
Be wary of the "well I already messed up on the porn so I might as well watch TV, game, etc."
Stay strong!

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On 11/26/2020 at 4:34 PM, dasvira said:

Day 12 - of my journey to overcoming my gaming, porn and internet addiction:

Did a 12h shift today. Unfortunately I came back to home tired, opened porn (disabled getcoldturkey) and fapped before taking a bath. I don't really feel bad about myself, because even if I want get rid of porn I think it is not as problematic as TV, internet and games. That being said, I am still committed not to see porn (forever, should I have the perseverance). I realized porn didn't make me feel better but worse and doesn't do anything good for me in the long term.

I see my journey as a lifelong commitment, so now there is nothing else that I can do other than restarting the counter....

Did only 10 min of surfing today.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 12

- TV / streaming: 12

- Porn: 00

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

 

Good job Dasvira, 

 

twelve days without gaming are quite a lot of improvement. Keep it up.

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Thanks @Mohammad and @championeal for your support!

 

I haven't posted much in the last two day due to work/study. And honestly I will probably post only more resumed journals from now on. I realize a lot of the numbers I post (E.g.: morning routine; study time and porductivity; daydreaming episodes etc.) have been really useful for me in order to keep track of myself, abandon bad habits and develop good ones. However, they must not be very interesting for the readers of this journal.

 

On 11/27/2020 at 4:59 AM, championeal said:

...
Be wary of the "well I already messed up on the porn so I might as well watch TV, game, etc."
...

 

Just as you said, on Thursday after seeing porn I got frustrated, disabled getcoldturkey and started seeing the forums of ParadoxInteractive (of Europa Universalis and Crusader Kings), saw new updates. I even felt a urge to request my steam account not to be deleted. I even started to torrent the games I used to be addicted to, so I could play "just one last time" before steam account was deleted (but I stopped the download before it was completed). Thankfully I was able to control myself.

 

Friday as pretty surf-free and my last workday of work until January. And Saturday was my first day with absolutely no surfing, and was my most productive study day BY FAR (8:50 hours of study; 5:43 hours of class and 54 textbook pages).

Other than that I keep exercising, reading a single chapter of a philosophy book in the morning, taking care of my yorkshire and meditating everyday. I am also getting used to wake up early in the morning (about 5:30) jump out of bed ASAP and starting my day, I have been pretty consistent on that which is already a big improvement.

 

I realize gaming, porn, surfing, TV/streaming are simply not compatible with what I really want in my life. Even if I can never quit completely, there is no point in stop trying to overcome those bad habbits, even if only to 'damage control' and diminish the chaos those addictions bring to my life.

 

 

Days without:

- gaming: 14

- TV / streaming: 14

- Porn: 02

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 01

Edited by dasvira
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Today was election day in Brazil again, so I lost most of my morning in the voting session (so I could choose between a local corrupt and opportunistic career politician, whose biggest accomplishment is being grandson of a former governor of São Paulo; or a guy from the communist party famous for invading and occupying 'rich' people's home for the sake of 'social justice' for the poor).

After that I had a great family time and a great barbecue. I ate a ton of food (way more than I should have eaten) and slept until 16:30. When I woke up I checked the news about the Brazilian election for about 30 min (everyone was only talking about Bolsonaro's fiasco of not being able to elect a single ally as mayor), which I think is fine because I didn't check any news about the world for exactly 2 weeks (I think that checking the news once every 2-4 weeks on Sunday is a reasonable compromise, between not being overwhelmed by the all bad stuff that happens everyday, and maintaining a notion about what is happening in the world). However, after checking the news, I wasted 20min of my life reading all the crap Trump posted in twitter on the last 2 weeks. As much as it is always funny to see Trump groaning about his defeat (even if I am not sure the other side is that much better...), I realize that seeing that kind of stuff only feed my own hate and discontentment, not adding anything positive to my life.

Didn't study much today, because of family and the elections. I only studied for 2:08 hours (19pp + 1:51h of classes)

 

Days without:

- gaming: 15

- TV / streaming: 15

- Porn: 03

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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On 11/29/2020 at 9:45 AM, dasvira said:

I realize gaming, porn, surfing, TV/streaming are simply not compatible with what I really want in my life.

This has been a big realization for me as well. A lot of the goals we set for ourself will be hard enough without the time lost to the things you listed. Fitting everything together in a 24-hour day just doesn't work.

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Thanks @Lampshade and @championeal ! One of the worst par of videogame / internet addiction is not having anyone IRL who would understand your struggle.

 

No real surfing! saw an academic video about COVID-19 in youtube but that was necessary and I didn't feel any urge to click in the tonnes of gaming / trashy links youtube offered me. Quickly used reddit for academic purpose, but only for 5 min.

I feel that journaling here and in my private journal has been great for my mental health. I stopped doing it on penzu and I am now writing in a big notebook. I used it to keep track of my productivity by writing my daily milestones and keeping track of my studies. In another page I write some of my intimate thoughts about the world (I am inspired by the journaling way of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, a book I have read a few times).

My meditation morning sessions are becoming really great.

I struggle with Insomnia sometimes but it has gotten much better with my current tech detox. Yesterday was my first insomnia crisis in two weeks, mainly because I had a common cold with stuffed nose and nocturnal coughing. Because of that i woke up at 7:00 today and was not as productive in the morning.

Studies improving slowly but surely, this is my second day using the Pomodoro Techinique and I am enjoying it a lot. I studied 'only' 5:52h , but this is mailny because I am being more strict in what I call 'study time', my productivity is much better than last week (3:42 min of classes + 54 pp).

 

Days without:

- gaming: 16

- TV / streaming: 16

- Porn: 04

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 01

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Today I had to deal with my problematic intelectual hubris and excessive curiosity. There is an entry of my personal diary that I think is worth sharing and will take some extra time typing it today:

 

-----------------------------------

 

Today, I talked with a friend about physics during my workout session before lunch. While I can only resolve very basic math and physics problems (like the four basic operations and very basic kinetic exercises), since my abilities with numbers ironed since I got out from high school; I still find the more theoretical parts of physics fascinating and even liberating. Just thinking about how (in my limited understanding) life on earth will be impossible in about a billion years, that the sun will someday explode and (finally) even our entire universe as we know it will - in an astronomically distant future - be torn apart bits by bits (first galaxies, then systems, then planets and finally matter itself) makes me put my worries, ambitions and fears into a complete new perspective of impermanence. With that thought, I feel humbled before the greatness of Nature, and my worries loses their grip on me. Furthermore, by thinking about how everything at microscopic scale shares the same essence (be it the microcords or whatever) and at the end of the day we ironically are just particles trying to understand particles, makes me feel connected with Nature and my Ego loses it's grip on me.

Even if those aspirations of understanding the Universe and put life in perspective are wholesome, in excess they can be quite dangerous. After coming home I entered youtube and started seeing a class about the theory of the Big Bang, after that I started a class about the stars' lifecycle, then about what came before the Big Bang and the genesis of the universe(s), then about multiple dimensions and the dilatation phenomenon, then about the microcords, then I gone wild clicking the links youtube offered me and started to see less academic and more useless curiosities about the world (comparison about star sizes, feasibility of mars colonization, atomic bombs etc.). When I noticed it, I wasted over 5 hours surfing in the internet and feeding my endless curiosity.

My time is my most precious resource and it is the only good I must be greedy with. Understanding nature is great, but I for sure have more pressing matters to study and learn. It is more important to do my own bed than to know about the theory of the microcords. Figuring out the doing of the Universe is an impossible task for a human being. However, becoming self-disciplined, being diligent with my responsibilities and doing my best with the place fate reserved to me are much more realistic and achievable goals. Therefore, from now on, I will get my priorities in life straight and I shall be careful not to feed my curiosity and intellectual hubris.

 

------------------------------------

 

Considering this very major distraction, my studies were actually not THAT bad.

I studied for 8 'pomodoros' = 4:11h (revision of previous week + 62 textbook pages + 24 exercises).

 

Days without:

- gaming: 17

- TV / streaming: 17

- Porn: 05

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

Edited by dasvira
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6 hours ago, dasvira said:

Today I had to deal with my problematic intelectual hubris and excessive curiosity.

I've gone down that YouTube rabbit hole before too. I like that you took the time to journal and reflect on it.

6 hours ago, dasvira said:

Therefore, from now on, I will get my priorities in life straight and I shall be careful not to feed my curiosity and intellectual hubris.

Use the curiosity! Just give it a direction and a goal 👍

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Thanks @championeal I actually did not know this 'rabbit hole' idiom, it describes very well how I feel sometimes.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

Absolutely no surfing today (zero, nothing)!

 

I did masturbate/ saw porn after lunch and overall it didn't impact my mood or performance (besides the 30min I spent in the act). I can't claim it was because of a strong compulsion or anything, I rather fooled myself into believing that masturbating once a week is fine. To be quite honest, I do think that faping once a week or ever two weeks is kind of 'ok', it is certainly better than fapping everyday or every other day like I was doing before start posting here. However after thinking about the matter for some time, there are some considerations I would like to do about masturbation:

1) It is a waste of time (like 30 min).

2) It doesn't make me feel any better (after the immediate pleasure of orgasm).

3) It is embarrassing: As much as people try to 'normalize' it, deep down I still feel that a grown-ass man fapping to porn is kinda of depressing. Furthermore, people are not usually ashamed of their gaming or TV habbit, but I don't really meet anyone that speak about what kind of porn they like to watch.

4) It gets in the way of self-discipline. With I am really serious about changing my habits, I simply must NOT do what doesn't bring me any benefit and stop giving in to my cravings.

5) It makes me see woman in an unhealthy way (this is a polemic one, and I appreciate any input). Since I started to seriously moderate on masturbation I realize I see woman differently. I am now much less lustful, a beautiful girl (for example in the gym) simply does not mess with my head as much and I have less sexual fantasies. Furthermore, I believe we live in an hypersexualized society, that values eroticism over seeing the opposite sex with dignity and as sentient individuals, who are means on their own end. I also think that promiscuity and sexual 'misconduct' is a terrible way to live your life, it may help you to spread your genes, but rarely it is conductive to a good life. Finally, if I am to be practical, at least 99% (at least!) of my erotic fantasies and romantic passion in the have never lead me to anything, they have never become a reality nor did they add anything good to my life. They only served to add to my confusion, greedy and craving to my mind.

With all of that being said among with the fact that I can't think about a single (serious) benefit of masturbation, makes pretty clear to me that no masturbation at all is better than masturbation in 'moderation'. So I am recommitting to not masturbate again (or do it the minimum possible, should I fail).

 

 

On other hand studies were pretty solid today: 7:28h (I count only concentrated study time) ( 5:50h of classes + 27 exercises + maybe 70-100pp reviewing what I read in the previous week). If I could study everyday as I studied today I am confident I would achieve my goals. I reckon that 10 hours a day is a bit too naive and idealistic. 07 hours of concentrated study time seems doable, sufficient and realistic. I am a human being, I can easily burn-out if I don't feel happy with other aspects of my life. Unfortunately, I can't be 100% efficient in everything I do. I will do my best and hope for the best as fate reveals itself, but I will try to be equanimous if my preferred outcome doesn't happen.

Days without:

- gaming: 18

- TV / streaming: 18

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 01

- Porn: 00 (prev. max.: 11)

 

Edited by dasvira
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Hi dasvira, 

I'm glad you were able to make it the whole day without internet surfing. This is one of the habits I'm working on breaking too, so we're in it together.

As for porn and masturbation, I never had a problem with it. I always found porn and/or masturbating something that was a turn off for me so I never explored it. However, as you described and with my knowledge it is definitely a problem for some, and I am glad you came to your senses about how it affects your image of women and it as something that you'd rather not do. I wish you luck on overcoming this.

 

Best 

Jason

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