Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Recommended Posts

24 minutes ago, codepants said:

 

Haha, I love that, "It's just a fact of my being." Unforunately, some of the facts of my being, it turns out, are quite inconvenient... I am thinking about taken up running since that feels less weather-dependent than biking. For the life of me I cannot do online classes, like karate, but I'm beginning to wonder if I have a choice. How could one possibly do karate without a punching bag, though, and do I want to drop $200 for a quality punching bag?

 

I'm not sure there are different yoga styles for acroyoga, or if it's all one style. Acroyoga is partner yoga, one on their back on the ground holding the other up while the other does poses mid-air. If there are different styles I'd love to learn about them!

Ahh acroyoga. I am a practitioner of Bikram yoga myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 77
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Hello world, 10 days in and apparently it's time to start journaling. Why I'm Quitting I'm sure it's common to question whether one is actually "addicted" to games. That's where I am right n

@Lampshade Yea, I've been doing pretty good on exercise and, surprisingly, eating leafy greens. It's uke, mindfulness, and reading that I'm having the most trouble with. The thing about uke and mindfu

Right!? I always feel so zen after acu. Like coming out of a really, really deep meditation. And my back and neck pain are 95% gone. It's actually to treat something else, I think I wrote about it ear

Habits Done Today

  • Nothing

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Maybe brush and floss? It's been a shit day, I have no energy.

Streaks

  • Don't care right now.

Currently Reading

Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance

Something I'm Grateful For

My manager. At the end of my work day I went into her office and asked if I could dump and she was like, yea. It was really nice.

Something I'm Avoiding

See below.

General Update

In addition to 50% no-shows today my partner and I had a really hard conversation. I've just been feeling like we disagree all the time and she isn't sure she wants to put work into the relationship unless I'm sure I want kids, which I'm not, and I don't know when, if ever, I will be. So she wants me to empathize with having a biological clock and I'm like... I don't have a biological clock. I could guess how a client might feel but I just can't put myself in her shoes. Maybe there's some sort of resistance there. I know I don't want kids in a relationship like our current one.

It was a 2-3 hour conversation and I'm just exhausted. Part of me is like... well, I bet I can get a really nice 1-bedroom around here. And part of me is like... but I really like this person, and I've invested so much, and why can't we just live in the moment and not worry about whether there will be kids in our lives five years from now. I'm also used to tumultuous relationships, because of my history of being abused, and she's not, so she's hit pretty hard by this, and I'm just sort of waiting to see how it resolves.

Almost bought a punching bag today. Found one on CL for $100 and messaged them, then realized the same bag is on Amazon for $90 (the CL ad included gloves). I asked for $80 (since it's all used) and they declined. I think a punching bag is a good idea though. It's indoor exercise you can do no matter the weather. I'm thinking about ordering one; at the least, I'll keep an eye on CL. There is a pipe in the storage unit downstairs I could mount it to; I'm hesitant to mount it to the ceiling of the apartment but I think that's possible...?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Habits Done Today

  • Uke
  • Mindfulness
  • Read
  • Dishes
  • Bike ride

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 17/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 26/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 2/Record 5
  • Floss: Current 0/Record 3
  • Read: Current 1/Record 2
  • Play Ukulele: Current 1/Record 2
  • Mindfulness: Current 1/Record 2
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 1/Record 4
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 1/Record 3
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1

Currently Reading

Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance

Something I'm Grateful For

I'm trying really hard to think of something but I'm just not grateful for anything right now. I dunno. A roof over my head. Having money to spend when I think that spending money will make my problems go away.

Something I'm Avoiding

See below.

General Update

Today sucked. I got up at 7 and laid on the couch until 2 staring at the ceiling. Somehow motivated myself to go for a bike ride and go to the grocery store. Watched some TV. Now about to get ready for bed.

I'm just so depressed. I can't talk to my girlfriend at all. She doesn't want to validate how I feel; when I ask her to, she says it's me that needs to change. Fuck that. We have couples therapy on Thursday, maybe that will help. Or maybe I should just fucking kill myself.

(I'm not going to, and my therapist is apprised of my suicidal thoughts. But to not share them would be to be dishonest with myself. And I am the one person I can always be honest with. I think).

"You have to be honest with yourself about how bad it feels so you can move on."

It hurts a lot. So much that I want to lie on the couch all day again. But I have to document...

I might be getting a punching bag and stand for $150. The stand alone is $150 on Amazon and a comparable bag about the same, so it's maybe half-off the two together. Thank you Craigslist. Of course, it all depends on if the seller will deliver. I don't own a car and while I'm proud of the many things I've delivered by bicycle, a 100 lb punching bag is a bit much. It won't be the same as karate since I'll be by myself, but at least I'll get to hit something. And I can never make an excuse about the weather again...

Like seriously we finished an episode of TV and I asked if she wanted to watch one more, and she said, "There's nothing else we can do. It's not like we can talk."

And then she wanted to have sex.

Fuck that.

No pun intended.

I did almost game today. I came real close. For a while I was planning on it. Bike ride, shower, meditate, uke, read, then game. After doing everything on my to-do list, I was going to game. To get away from it all. Because I don't know how to better myself out of this. I just feel so stuck.

It's those freaking snowplows in Workers and Resources: Soviet Republic. It's so satisfying to watch them. Like, they just plow the roads, problem solved. Unstuck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude I'm proud of you for holding on. Not just the games, but sticking with what you think is best for you. I know that doesn't mean anything when shit like that is going on. I just feel like I'm in your corner, especially as another guy who doesn't want kids. That sucks what you're going through.

The bag might be a bit much to mount in a ceiling. Might be able to get away with a big screw with an eye hole on one end put straight through the center of the ceiling joist. It'd be better if you could somehow anchor it to a couple different joists. I guess things might be different in an apartment too, I've only ever done stuff like that in houses.

 

Edited by Lampshade
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Lampshade, thanks. It's nice to feel heard by people who get it. It's really, really nice.

I'll try the floor stand first. However, there is a ceiling mount listed on Amazon for bags up to 1000 lbs. I think I'm most nervous about finding the ceiling joist. I know how to do the knocking trick, but not being able to see it still make me nervous. What if I miss?

Habits Done Today

  • Uke
  • Mindfulness
  • Read
  • Dishes
  • Bike ride

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 18/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 27/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 2/Record 5
  • Floss: Current 2/Record 3
  • Read: Current 2/Record 2
  • Play Ukulele: Current 2/Record 2
  • Mindfulness: Current 2/Record 2
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 2/Record 4
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 1/Record 3
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1

Currently Reading

Just finished Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance

Probably started Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky next

Something I'm Grateful For

My partner. Though things have been hard, we had a moment today. I was really angry because I noticed that her cats have been scratching my dresser to get on top of the "murphy" bed (just a box spring and mattress we store vertically, tied with a string against the wall). They've been going up there since we swapped the office and bedroom maybe six weeks ago, and I just noticed the scratches now. I only paid $100 for the dresser on Craigslist, but it's a nice dresser; walnut, I think. The scratches aren't deep enough they can't be refinished out, but refinishing is such a pain... anyway, I got my girlfriend to show her and of course she goes straight to fixing. Can we put something on it, etc. I started getting frustrated until she said "I don't know what you want from me," and I just said, "I want you to be angry with me." So she suggested we get some pillows and hit stuff and... that's what we did.

It still feels a little weird to be validated like that. Like, I'm holding back on feeling good about it, because if my feelings matter, there must be danger nearby, right?

I hope it's the beginning of a new pattern. But even if it's not... it was nice to feel like she understood for once. Hopefully she won't tell me later she felt like she was "playing a role."

And we did put a mat on the dresser for now.

Something I'm Avoiding

Doing documentation. I had three intakes last week, which like, hooray for new clients, but f*** me it can be so much paperwork.

General Update

Feeling better since yesterday. Today was productive, my second day in a row of doing all my habits, except for eating leafy greens. I'm considering buying powdered vegetables and putting that sh*t in a smoothie. I'm just not used to eating salads yet. But it feels good to have done all my habits.

I am still thinking about playing a game later. I will probably not, just to see if I can make it at least 30 days. But I think if I played with everything on my to-do list done, and my daily habits done, if I played for less than 2 hours that seems like where I might want to end up. Especially if it's on a Sunday. Playing on a weeknight seems more dangerous for some reason.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you miss the joist it should be pretty obvious, assuming the ceiling is drywall or sheetrock or whatever they call it where you're at and assuming you're putting it in by hand instead of a drill. Even still if it's what I'm picturing, like hooks or an eye hole, slowly putting your own weight on it should start to bow down the drywall if you missed. It'll also unscrew without much resistance. Then you've just got a hole to patch up, usually can just use a tube of something made for nail holes. There's studfinders you can buy, and they are spaced either 16 or 24 inches apart where I'm at. All that said, I was never any good at finding them or patching the holes leftover.  Hope you're better lol.

With the gaming, one thing to notice is that these cravings are coming at a time when you're probably feeling pretty vulnerable, assuming the relationship stuff is still on the back of your mind.

How was Hillbilly Elegy? I'm about 3/4 through Educated by Tara Westover and Hillbilly Elegy seems to be one of the recommended next reads.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, stand first. I'm pretty good at patching holes. The mount is just two bolts and a bracket, nothing too serious. Good tip about slowly putting weight on it.

You're right, I am feeling vulnerable and the craving gaming is likely avoidance, or at least regression to a less helpful coping mechanism. I still have a lot of processing to do about my relationships... it's nice things aren't so bad as they were Friday, but this high is likely temporary. There's still an air of uncertainty and a bit of tension, as there has been on and off for the past few months (even since the kid thing was first brought up in any serious light).

Hillbilly Elegy was pretty good. It's a mix of a memoir and theories about how best to help those who are marginalized in particular ways (namely, impoverished and living in unsupported communities), and the author hypothesizes that in a lot of ways, we can't. It's not groundbreaking but worth reading if you are looking for new perspectives. In terms of activist education it is useful information, and might be a nice break from all the race-centered rhetoric currently abounding (important rhetoric; it can get exhausting to focus on one issue too intensely, for too long), though it comes across as pretty victim-blamey at times.

Habits Done Today

  • Uke
  • Mindfulness
  • Bike ride

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Read
  • Dishes
  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 19/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 28/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 1/Record 2
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 3/Record 5
  • Floss: Current 3/Record
  • Read: Current 2/Record 2
  • Play Ukulele: Current 3/Record
  • Mindfulness: Current 3/Record
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 4/Record
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 2/Record 3
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1

Currently Reading

Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Something I'm Grateful For

Meds. I get these muscle spasms in my perineum which are the least fun thing ever. It's part of Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome, a non-bacterial, chronic, recurring set of symptoms usually including GI sx and sometimes including muscle spasms. Basically every now and then I get a Charlie horse downstairs and there's nothing I can do, because it's not a muscle you can stretch. So I pop a load of painkillers and a muscle relaxant and I wait 15 minutes for them to kick in. Back before I had this figured out I would just bear down in excruciating pain for 45 minutes.

Supposedly it's caused by storing tension around the pelvic area and can be relieved by physical therapy... that helped a little, but I actually have acupuncture in Wednesday, for which I am hopeful.

Something I'm Avoiding

Doing documentation. Again. Three appointments today. I'll do them tomorrow morning. It's just one intake, which was a doozy. Client has a number of neurodivergent identities, and it's going to be a lot of rapport building before we get to the therapy part of therapy. Seems like a cool person though, I am excited to get to know them.

General Update

Things are normalizing again (though normal is still not great). Girlfriend did not want to cuddle this morning, which caught me off guard. That's her right, of course, it was just really out of the ordinary, and AM cuddling (literally just cuddling, not an aphrodisiac) is one of my favorite rituals. But Mondays are date night, so after posting this we'll play cards or something, so hopefully that will be nice.

I have been thinking about my ex a lot. I think she just made me feel heard, which is not something I feel often in my current relationship. Ultimately I broke up with her because I felt like I was her therapist... partly it was me, as I wasn't as good at drawing boundaries back then. Partly I think she actually needed a therapist and wasn't willing to go see one. I tend to do this, though, when my relationships get bad... think about my exes. Grass is always greener sort of deal. I need to get better at focusing on the present, and what I can do for this relationship now. Even though it does seem like there's nothing I can do, at times. At least if I'm focused I won't regret it later. I do feel I jumped ship a little early in my last relationship... I definitely have a tendency of doing that. I blame my parents. Only half joking.

Edited by codepants
book correction
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Habits Done Today

  • Bike ride (to and from work)

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Uke
  • Mindfulness
  • Read
  • Dishes
  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 20/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 29/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 2/Record 2
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 4/Record 5
  • Floss: Current 4/Record
  • Read: Current 2/Record 2
  • Play Ukulele: Current 3/Record
  • Mindfulness: Current 3/Record
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 5/Record
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 3/Record 3
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1

Currently Reading

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Something I'm Grateful For

Tuesday is client appreciation day! I don't know what it is but I always have at least one good session on Tuesday. Did a role play today with a client that was therapy gold. I wish I could share more but, confidentiality. Feeling on top of the world though.

Something I'm Avoiding

I think maybe nothing? I'm sure there's something. I did have a tricky client today in a mom-fighting-with-son situation. I really empathize with son, but I have been that son. I need to figure out how to empathize with mom a little more. And the desired change is always the same: son must be obedient, do his homework, get good grades... I just don't know what to do with those. I can't make your kid do their homework.

Maybe it's why I'm so uncertain about wanting kids myself.

General Update

Today was really good. In addition to client stuff, I cried this morning. My girlfriend and I sleep in separate rooms sometimes because we both sleep better, nothing to do with conflict. Well, I locked the cat out of my room and cat kept up girlfriend until 3 AM, so girlfriend was super pissed in the morning and did not have any affection to give. We didn't talk, hug, kiss, nothing. We took some space after breakfast and I started making my lunch and then she asked to cuddle. She got on top of me (me lying on the couch; we call this "playing beached whale"), and I just started crying. She asked what I needed and I said, "this."

It was nice to feel like I was allowed to have feelings.

Even though her being kept up by cat obviously sucked.

In other news, it is freaking COLD out. Okay, it's only 40, but I ride an e-bike to work, self-generating my own 20mph wind chill. I'm going to have to switch to heated gloves pretty soon, here. On a regular bike (less wind chill and more self-generated heat) I don't need them until around 20 degrees or so. I may also have to get a down liner and a motorcycle helmet.

I love my e-bike... I love my e-bike...

Oh, and my 7 PM client cancelled, so I'm home early with time to do my habits before bed. So, while most Tuesdays are streak ruiners, this Tuesday shall not be a streak ruiner...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Habits Done Today

  • Bike ride

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Uke
  • Mindfulness
  • Read
  • Dishes
  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 21/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 30/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 2/Record
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 5/Record
  • Floss: Current 5/Record
  • Read: Current 3/Record
  • Play Ukulele: Current 4/Record
  • Mindfulness: Current 4/Record
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 6/Record
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 4/Record
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1

Currently Reading

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Something I'm Grateful For

Myself? 30 days, bitches.

Also setting a bunch of records for my streaks. Which, it's good that I realize that, because that's about the only thing I have motivating me right now to do anything.

Also, Craigslist. Got a punching bag! It's good. I can't help but hit it every time I walk by. Guy threw in a $30 pair of gloves, too.

Something I'm Avoiding

Discomfort about spending money. I just ordered a down liner and a motorcycle helmet. Found the down liner for about $75 off which was awesome. They are so I can keep riding my e-bike to work when it's cold. Because man, windchill is real when you're going 20 mph without pedaling that much.

General Update

My girlfriend and I are open to seeing other people, so I matched someone on OkCupid the other day, and I went today to message them, but they had unmatched me. I do not miss dating apps. Not in the slightest.

Excited about this punching bag. I have to exercise every day now. I mean, I don't have to, but I have no excuses. Just need to rearrange the room a bit, right now it's rather unwieldily in the middle...

Super tired today, not sure why. Will probably go back to sleeping in the same bed as my girlfriend again. I think the lighting in this room is the problem. I woke up at 3 AM last night and the night before and was like... is it 3 PM? Did I oversleep? There must be a streetlight right outside... and then kept waking up every REM cycle.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Acupuncture today was worth an addendum. I cannot remember the last time I felt this relaxed. No headache, no neck pain. My back pain has moved; I think the parts that were in pain relaxed and transferred the tension elsewhere. It takes a few sessions to get to the root cause sometimes.

I really wish I had been more open to self-care in the form of acupuncture and massage earlier in my life. It is so worth it to pay someone to get rid of your pain. They cannot "fix" everything about your life, but if I could feel like this all the time, that is definitely worth some $$. Not to mention my acupuncturist is a delightful human being.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, codepants said:

Myself? 30 days, bitches.

F yeah.

14 hours ago, codepants said:

acupuncture and massage

Yeah man once I discovered and committed to acupuncture and massage I was going every week. Combined with physio it's shocking to realize that you can just feel better lol. I had given up on my knee as just a sign that I was getting older at like 27 and it turned out I just needed to take care of it for a couple months. Hopefully yours is covered by insurance too.

Oh and grats on the punching bag! Such a cool thing to have.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My current acu provider doesn't bill insurance but I am hopeful if I submit, they'll cover part of it. I can afford to do it at least a few times out-of-pocket.

Habits Done Today

  • Bike ride
  • Uke
  • Dishes
  • Brush teeth
  • Floss

Habits I Plan to do Later Today

  • Nothing, too tired.

Streaks

  • Journal: Current 22/Record
  • Don't Game: Current 31/Record
  • Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2
  • Brush teeth twice: Current 6/Record
  • Floss: Current 6/Record
  • Read: Current 0/Record 3
  • Play Ukulele: Current 5/Record
  • Mindfulness: Current 0/Record 4
  • Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 7/Record
  • Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 5/Record
  • Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1

Currently Reading

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Something I'm Grateful For

My own therapy. Couples therapy, actually. We didn't actually resolve anything—that takes time—and we may not resolve anything, but the idea of talking to someone exclusively about my relationship excites me. It's a lot of weight I've been carrying around. Maybe I didn't realize how much. I guess I can talk to my individual therapist about it, too.

Something I'm Avoiding

How freaking unhappy I am in my current relationship. It feels like I do the emotional labor for both of us. I need to start setting boundaries and telling my S.O. she needs to vent to other people sometimes.

General Update

Mostly what's above.

Last day of mountain bike practice today, which is bittersweet. Time to put road tires on my bike, and maybe set up the trainer.

Also time to open up a new day for in-person therapy. My schedule is filling up, which is exciting. I'll be in the office three days a week. Almost like a real therapist...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So, I came home from a shit day of work on Friday and was like, f*** this, I'm gaming.

I had a 75% no-show rate, and just wasn't looking forward to spending the weekend with my S.O. Things have been slightly better between us—she's been in a better mood—but maybe I need to work more on me. I don't know. Also, this chick and I had been texting (S.O. and I have an open relationship), and she ghosted me. It has only been two days, and it was a holiday weekend, so maybe it's nothing. But it just feels like a bunch of stuff at once.

I'd like to be able to use this to motivate some change, but I don't know what to change. It's hard to not take it personally when people don't show up, even though it probably isn't anything to do with me. Or, it could be to do with me, but I'll never find out more specifically. Maybe I need to be more selfish, and care less about whether people show up, or whether people care. I don't know how to value myself without caring whether people value me, though.

Anyway, I did none of my habits Friday or yesterday except exercising. So, lots of counters to reset.

I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have a $50 copay which is B.S. I'm hoping I can get medication for a mood disorder. I've just been so up and down lately. I've tried a bunch of SSRIs in the past and they haven't really helped, so while I probably meet the criteria for depression, treating it, psychiatrically, as depression, doesn't seem to be working.

Whatever the case, I also have my second acupuncture appointment tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that.

Anyway, gotta motivate myself to get back on the bandwagon of good habits today, so I don't want to spend it all in one place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear about the crap weekend man. I'm looking forward to seeing how you use this for a positive change. We're all figuring this out together. Gimmie that wisdom.

I've flaked out on a bunch of appointments, more so during my bad times. I don't think it's ever been the person I'm supposed to meet with. Usually just things like cost, lack of motivation, laziness, forgetfulness, decided to do something else, shyness, anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

Do you have any info about the average no-show rate for new clients and if that differs between you, people with your level of experience at the job, and those with more?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks. I'll let you know when I have it. 🙃

Yea, it's just hard not to internalize the way people treat you when it seems like everybody is treating you that way. I have had this issue in my personal life, too, where I show up for people who don't show up for me. I've been working on trying to care less, internalize less... having the job I have will probably be good for me in the long run. I'm not religious, but god doesn't give us things we can't overcome sort of deal. I ended up in this profession for a reason...

During training the CEO said the industry average no-show rate is 30%. I've asked around and either nobody knows or nobody is willing to share their or the clinic's actual no-show rate. I suspect things are worse with COVID, but it's so hard without actual data. I wish there was some sort of database or something that all therapists posted to. Even searching online doesn't yield consistent results. I did just run my numbers for October though, and I only had a 36% no-show rate. So in the grand scheme of things that's not too bad. I think just on a day-to-day basis, like last Friday when that individual day was 75%, it's easy to get dismayed.

It doesn't help that insurance companies take a month to pay out, so I'm probably floating $500 right now...

Honestly though, I feel better after typing that. My B.S. is in Mathematics, and I transitioned to counseling psychology partly because I like to think of pathology like a puzzle to be solved... like, if you look at the facts in the right way, it often fits together. Maybe doing math problems should be my mindfulness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Still not in the mood do update habits/do a formal journal, so here's a small update.

Acupuncture today was good. I always feel super relaxed and zen afterward. Also saw the dr. today and we're trying a new medication. I'll start it Wednesday; I have a full client load tomorrow and don't want to be dealing with any side effects that may occur.

Monday night is sometimes date night for lady friend and me. It was alright. We played a game, after deliberating for a bit, and after she read the rules A to Z while I waited... I dunno, maybe I'm just seeing the negative. I can't help but feel that if I was reading this journal I'd just see complaining. There is a lot in my life to be grateful for... I have a job, I have a partner, I have my health, a roof, food, etc. Maybe I just need to practice being more grateful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Had an individual appointment with the couple's therapist today, and also have my individual therapy today. It was nice to talk to someone. Maybe it hasn't sunk in how much being closed off to my S.O. is affecting me. But I just don't feel like I can trust her. I hope that changes, but if it doesn't... I deserve better.

I have been keeping track of my habits in Loop, an app that's... pretty good. I like everything about it EXCEPT the only way to see your streaks is to put them on a widget on your home screen, and you have to do one habit per widget. On the other hand, the app is based on the premise that streaks matter less than throughput... if you do a habit 25 days out of 30, that's pretty good, even if your longest streak was only 5 days.

I also ordered some posters for therapy stuff. Emotion wheels and a quote I really like. I hope to put them up in my office.

I had three no-shows yesterday. One of them was one of my most consistent clients... I called him and he was super apologetic, he had just lost track of time. Must... not... internalize...

And all my intakes this week are kids. I hate working with kids. Okay, I don't hate it, but it sure feels like I have no idea what I'm doing. How do you talk about emotions with someone who doesn't know how to talk about emotions? Anyway, it made my week much less exciting. I much prefer working with adults. The reality may be that I have to work with kids, though, if I want to make any money... they make up about 50% of the client base at my clinic, if I remember correctly.

Just two years to licensure... just two years to licensure...

It's been super windy lately, which has me worried. If it's windy all winter, that might make biking a pain, and I might never, or rarely be able to use a regular bike (as opposed to an e-bike). There is a part of me that's like, "if lady friend and I break up, I could move closer to work..." I could also date someone that makes space for me.

It feels like I'm holding on to less and less sometimes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Today was better, for some unknown reason. Therapy (as a client). Therapy (as a provider). Acupuncture (my provider thinks it can cure depression. I believe it can relieve the symptoms but I don't see how it could treat root cause if root cause is environmental and still present). I've also started taking turmeric and liver. I wouldn't say I "believe in" supplements but those struck me for some reason. Liver because up until 50 years ago we used to eat the whole animal. Turmeric because... I don't know, India? And both because research, of course. I like to live an evidence-based life.... Anyway, something is working. Or maybe I'm bipolar.

So, I have this energy coming from nowhere, and I was super productive. Did lots of client stuff, a bunch of chores, cleaned the apartment, went for a bike ride, went grocery shopping... I realize now I didn't do all my habits, but that's okay. I still accomplished a lot. Oh, oh, and I made this handout on empathy for my clients.

I think I'm going to stop tracking habit streaks and trust Loop (the habit tracking app I'm using) to tell me "how much of a habit" each one is. I explained this in my previous post. But I haven't been reading or doing mindfulness as much so... maybe I should track THOSE streaks? Ugh, motivation is so complicated.

I also talked to lady friend more today about why I need empathy and it went pretty well. It felt like pulling teeth at times and she sort of made it about her in the end but it's progress. If she ends up seeing a therapist I think that will be really good for both of us.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Motivation and the habits are super complicated. Especially when you get energy days! Just want to get at it! It's so obviously rewarding to have good habits nailed down though, just gets overwhelming sometimes when you look at the daily list and there's like 15 things on there lol.

I dunno about acupuncture curing depression. I agree with you about environmental causes. I think it's just one of those cases of a layperson not understanding the complexity of what they're saying. Relaxation has got to have some benefits though. Definitely benefits for muscle recovery too. I was getting physio for a few different things and was looking up effectiveness of acupuncture vs. the electric shock thingies and they were about the same (looked at maybe half a dozen papers). Acupuncture is just so much more comfy though.

9 hours ago, codepants said:

Turmeric because... I don't know, India?

lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's very much a tangent, but you're all terrifying with the acupuncture. There's something in me that just rebels against the idea of it. But, hey, if it helps, it helps!

I saw a sign at the vets around here recently. A cartoon of a needle-sprouting cat, some horrifying amalgamation of porcupine and feline.

Animal Acupuncturist! it proudly proclaimed, alongside a phone number.

That, I thought, is an incredibly brave soul. You couldn't pay me enough to put needles in the animal with razor blades on its hands.

Edited by Commissar
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.