Codepant's Journal

[codepants]

Well, I broke up with lady friend.

I'd like to say it was a long time coming but... I did want it to work out. I wanted to build something with her. I wanted to point to a relationship and say, "I stuck it out. We worked it out. Things got better." I won't say I wanted a happily ever after, because I don't believe those are real, but... I wanted a secure attachment. I wanted this relationship to be different.

And now I'm living with my ex during a pandemic. Fml.

I mean, I think we can be civil. I know I can be. I think she can be. She has lived with an ex before. I like living here.

I'm grateful for my friends that have supported me through this and have continued to be supportive. I texted a few people right away and my bestie called literally within seconds. And made me smile.

There's a part of me that feels like I should be crying but... I'm not that sad. Maybe I'm not sad because I don't think I'm losing something, because you can't lose something you didn't have. Mostly I feel lighter. There's some residual heaviness, like breaking through a wall and needing to clean up the broken bits, but... mostly it feels like I've broken through.

I'm tempted to put a platitude here but I hate platitudes. I don't know what happens next. And that's terrifying but also kind of exciting. I get to be me again. I'm free.

[Bird By Bird]

1 hour ago, codepants said:

I mean, I think we can be civil. I know I can be. I think she can be. She has lived with an ex before. I like living here.

 

I've noticed you're very optimistic about living with an ex after a breakup. I'm not sure who is the primary owner/renter of the house/apartment or if you're both renters or what but I'm sure that no matter what happens, you'll be able to get through it. Now if you don't want to kick her out or move yourself, that's fine - I mean, we're in a pandemic after all - but you might want to be out of the house when she brings other guys over. Maybe that will never happen and the two of you will remain platonic friends until the pandemic is over next year and everything will be civil like Seinfeld and Elaine. Maybe she doesn't want to take revenge on you for breaking up with her. Well I don't know your situation but everything is probably going to be fine but it is 2020 and '2020' itself sounds like a soap opera name already.

[codepants]

Nice.

Honestly, she's pretty passive/submissive/generous to the point of being self-deprecating and gloomy which was obnoxious when we were dating, but might be a good quality in a roommate? She's not really the revenge type, I'm pretty sure she's friends with all her exes. I expect we'll make a rule about not inviting dates over.

We lose our deposit if we vacate between November 1st and March 31st. I have no idea why it's like that but we just have to make it to April 1, basically. *knock, knock...*

[codepants]

The break-up has caused me to think more about how I treat and view women... it's something I think about a lot, but I wonder if part of the reason I was with this person was partly because I objectified her. I think for both of us the relationship was at least partly about being in a relationship and not really about being with each other, if that makes sense. We were both single and looking and it was like... why not? Sometimes those relationships happen to work out but I think more often than not, at some point you realize being in a relationship is less important than being with the right person.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the ways in which I objectify women and how to reduce them and I'm considering stopping watching porn. I notice that the more I watch porn the more likely I am to objectify the women in my life. To be clear I am not shaming anyone who does watch porn and as long as objectification is mutually consensual (which 99.9% of the time it probably is not, but a woman could answer that better) it can be fun, but this break-up made it clear that objectification does impact my life in negative ways. I'm also thinking about some people I work with who when I'm in the room with them, I feel like I have to avoid/shut down objectifying thoughts. Those thoughts are natural to an extent but I'm thinking one a day, not one an hour, not even one every time I meet with someone. And maybe it's possible to have a mental boundary between women in porn and women in "real life," but even if it is, apparently I'm not doing it right.

So I guess today is day 1 of no porn?

Also, today is day 6 of attempt #3 at quitting video games. There's still a part of me that's not taking it seriously. I have been at least a little inspired by seeing a few of you reach 90 days, so thank you for that inspiration. I don't know what I'm going to do differently this time. Maybe not being in an unhealthy relationship will be enough. Maybe I can exercise more; I have the bicycle trainer set up (well, almost. I have the trainer wheel in the bike and the trainer out from storage. I'm not sure I can have it set up permanently, we don't have that much space).

I think it's okay not to have a specific plan right now, but I know that day 30 is my weak point; that's where I've failed the past two times. So maybe by day 20 I should have a more specific plan.

Also, I have been able to down the liver pills I made. Just for giggles I also tried the commercial ones and yea, if I have just one the side effects are minimal. Maybe it was a detox reaction from taking the full dose off the bat. So, one pill, twice a day for now, and we'll see if any magic happens... (side note: the commercial pills are $36 for 30 days. The DIY ones were $4 and I'm guessing they will also last 30 days. So if I stick with this, I'll have to decide... $4 and the smell and labor of preparing liver for an hour a month, or $36 and no smell or labor?).

[codepants]

Ya'll... I'm really going to miss the cat.

(it's hers)

Did all my habits yesterday. That's 3 of the past 5 days.

[Lampshade]

Big life changes. The feeling of freedom though, that's got to be a hopeful one.

[codepants]

1 minute ago, Lampshade said:

Big life changes. The feeling of freedom though, that's got to be a hopeful one.

Indeed. Thanks for being here for it.

- - -

Not much to update today. We're still civil, even kind to each other, which is great. I had the inkling this morning that she might want to get back together, nothing she said explicitly, just a feeling. I don't. I'm set. I should probably write down all the reasons I was unhappy though, because I have a tendency to see my past relationships through rosy-eyed lenses at time.

Intake today which went well. Two late cancels yesterday, one I am considering terminating as 3 of their last 5 have been late cancels or last-minute reschedules. Also another intake later today, and I had one yesterday... so my Christmas present to myself will be getting caught up.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow for what appears to be a UTI... I have no idea how that happened, they don't usually happen to men... but here we are.

I'm grateful for feeling alive, and only a little depressed.

[BooksandTrees]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. That's got to be tough. Also tough to lose your feline friend. Pets never understand why you leave their lives and it can be heartbreaking. Could you get your own cat? What are some activities you've been doing to pass time? I am not fully updated on your diary. I was just wondering what hobbies you may have picked up while quitting or thinking of trying while quitting. 

 

[codepants]

When I move I am going to move somewhere that allows dogs. I'm not ready for a dog yet but I've wanted one for a long time. I may also get a cat as they are easier to care for. Time will tell.

I haven't actually picked up any new hobbies, unless you count making liver pills as a hobby. I have had a lot of hobbies throughout my life though so it's hard for things to be "new." Since my first post I did buy a punching bag, I have set up my bicycle trainer, and am playing ukulele more and trying to meditate (mindfulness) regularly. Only the punching bag is "new" and I have taken martial arts in the past; it's really a substitute for the classes I can't attend right now because of COVID. I guess studying for my exam is also new.

[codepants]

Yep, it was a UTI. Weird. I haven't even had sex in a while. Whatever, antibiotics aren't a big deal.

NP was wondering aloud if I had diabetes because of my insane bouts of water consumption I get every 6 months or so. Honestly I was relieved I might have an answer, diabetes would explain away so many things and insulin isn't the easiest fix, but it is a fix. For better or worse, anyway, they ran an A1C and it's not diabetes. Also, she was cute and I was having trouble figuring out if she was flirting with me, and I might have accidentally flirted with her, so... nice to be back in the game, even if it's in unethical, unlikely ways.

Acupuncture today was good.

Just an average day otherwise. Keepin' on keepin' on. Made it through my crazy week of intakes. And now... to document.

[codepants]

Relapsed again. Holidays!

I mean, I live with my ex and have nothing to do. (compared to the amount of free time I have)

I think I'll give myself a pass until 1/2. Not free reign to binge, just... a pass.

[codepants]

Well, that was a bad idea. Up till 11 on Thursday and 12 last night on a new game. Caught it today, haven't played yet today.

Perhaps unironically I accidentally typed the password I use for the game I've been most addicted to as my password to log in to gamequitters. Also caught that before hitting enter...

Le sigh. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Or if I'm doing something wrong. I'm just tired. Not physically. Yes physically, but... I'm tired of feeling trapped in a cycle. I know video games are a symptom of the cycle.

If I was at my mom's for Christmas this year I would have been up till 11 on Thursday and 12 last night reading.

Anyway, today has been productive. Cleaning, chores, worked out, halfway done with documentation, about to go run an errand...

is this all there is to life? You just go until you can't anymore?

[Bugg]

22 minutes ago, codepants said:

is this all there is to life? You just go until you can't anymore?

I think that a lot too, but then I tell myself ‘life is what you make it’. 
I guess I know that’s not always the case, some of us are just dealt bad cards in life, but a lot of the time there are ways we can make things better, we just choose not to, or sometimes don’t have the confidence to, or the belief in ourselves. Dunno what I’m trying to say, lol. Maybe there is more to life if you make it so?

Edited December 26, 2020 by Bugg

[codepants]

6 hours ago, Bugg said:

I think that a lot too, but then I tell myself ‘life is what you make it’. 
I guess I know that’s not always the case, some of us are just dealt bad cards in life, but a lot of the time there are ways we can make things better, we just choose not to, or sometimes don’t have the confidence to, or the belief in ourselves. Dunno what I’m trying to say, lol. Maybe there is more to life if you make it so?

Could be. It's interesting you say about bad cards, as often people who have a struggle feel as if they have more purpose. That is not to shit on my privilege, but I wonder if I wasn't a white, cis, middle-class male, if I would be more engaged/productive/purposeful. Maybe we do have to make it so. "The grass is greener if you water it," I read somewhere. I just don't know how.

Maybe it's not flooding myself with dopamine playing video games so the small things seem purposeful. Hedonic adaptation. And I've said this all before... ugh.

[codepants]

My habit tracker is horrendous. I won't get into details but... yeah, I didn't realize "letting myself game" would have this much of an effect. Lesson learned...

[Bird By Bird]

On 12/26/2020 at 4:57 PM, codepants said:

is this all there is to life? You just go until you can't anymore?

Life is meant to be enjoyed and to be spent working on what you want to do/make (personal human desires) and to fulfill your destiny that was given to you by God (which you can find out through prayer and meditation).

[codepants]

22 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Life is meant to be enjoyed and to be spent working on what you want to do/make (personal human desires) and to fulfill your destiny that was given to you by God (which you can find out through prayer and meditation).

Right, but aren't personal human desires just made up? If in the end the sun explodes..

- - -

Still just chugging along. Roommate (ex)'s negativity is really getting to me. Just three months...

[Bird By Bird]

4 hours ago, codepants said:

Right, but aren't personal human desires just made up?

Your desires exist and shitting on yourself won't make them go away. All humans and animals have desires but mature humans choose whether to act on those desires or chose to not act on them.

4 hours ago, codepants said:

If in the end the sun explodes..

Whatever. Focus on reality around you happening right now. Not sci-fi future trillions of years later. You are alive and it is your duty to live.

[codepants]

18 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Your desires exist and shitting on yourself won't make them go away. All humans and animals have desires but mature humans choose whether to act on those desires or chose to not act on them.

I don't think acknowledging that human desires are made up is the same as shitting on them. Have some nuance.

18 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Whatever. Focus on reality around you happening right now. Not sci-fi future trillions of years later. You are alive and it is your duty to live.

The sun exploding isn't sci-fi and it will only take about 9-10 billion years. By attacking me, you are minimizing my emotions, and missing the opportunity to understand and empathize with me.

I choose what my duty is.

Focusing on the now is a fair point, as the ability to be present correlates with happiness and a sense of purpose. However, ignoring the past and the future and that they weigh on the human conscious is going to cause a lot of people to ignore you, because the past and the future do have an impact on our well-beings, too.

- - -

Told roommate (ex) I didn't want her to apologize to me any more. She was worried I was doing a therapist thing; I told her I wasn't, because I'm not. I'm sick of her apologizing for things she hasn't done wrong. It just makes her emotions my responsibility. She said it made her uncomfortable; I hope she can manage, because it's really, really been getting to me. #puttingmyselffirst

Is it still only 3 months until I can move out? I guess we can break the lease for $1150 between the two of us. That's not bad, if we really do drive each other crazy.

Did I mention that I designed and ordered a 3D printed bike part? It's just the prototype; next, I order the steel version, and actually put it on my bike... 😀😀😀😀

[codepants]

Today was good. Really great intake this morning. You never know if they'll come back but the one session was definitely worth it. I hope this one does come back, I really enjoyed meeting them.

Ordered a vertical monitor stand to try and combat my neck pain (which I believe is from turning side to side) and also a duplicate of my good monitor, because I want two of the same... (I already had a second monitor which has a pretty big bezel). Didn't realize I didn't have the cable for the second monitor before I got everything else set up so... running with one monitor for now. Cable gets here Sunday.

It's crossed my mind to have only one monitor, but honestly, having two monitors has nothing to do with gaming. When I game(d?), I only used one. It's more for e-mail, work, etc. Having a client on one screen and my notes on another is super useful. I just have to figure if I want the webcam between the monitors or on top of both... decisions, decisions.

Also, made the attached, because I'm a nerd. n, ns, cc, lc, rs = normal (showed up), no-show, cancelled, late cancel, rescheduled.

Next, to calculate how many intakes I need to achieve and maintain benefits, given my never show, no return, no-show rates, and average treatment length. I'm nerdgasming everywhere...

[codepants]

Ah nuts, forgot to post yesterday. It was a relaxing day -- two sessions and then chores and such. "Allowed" myself to play a little, but not to get carried away as I did last week with Christmas. I think all told I played less than two hours.

Haven't played yet today. Mostly been catching up on documentation. Did all but the intakes.

Nothing else really to report. I am thinking about going back to my paper journal, either in addition to or instead of this one. It's not that I can't share here, but this feels like much more of my external experience, augmented by insight into my internal experience, and I think of a paper journal as the other way around.

[codepants]

Watched Promising Young Woman yesterday. It was... a lot of things. It's a film about getting revenge on a rapist. It's heavy and uncomfortable. Necessarily uncomfortable. Explores the "nice guy" trope a bit.

Mostly it just made me anxious. I have never committed any crimes, but I have done a few things I regret, and it feels like there's not a lot of space in the world for men to say, "Yep, I did this wrong," and navigate moving past it. Doing so feels like the right thing to do, but not if it costs you your job, family, etc. And maybe it should cost you those things, if you did something truly terrible. But even having this conversation feels like taking space away from the victims of abuse. It often feels like, as a man, there isn't any space for my feelings.

[codepants]

Feeling pretty good today. Day 7 of attempt number whatever. Did all my habits yesterday. Rode to Trader Joe's today to pick up chicken nuggets for my roommate, they were out. Also got some other stuff we like from there.

About halfway through with documentation—one intake and all the regular appointments down, so just two intakes left. My goal is to finish by 7 so I can play board games (via Tabletop Simulator) with my high school friends guilt-free.

Also slept through the night last night, which was weird. I have been working out "more" lately, by which I mean 5 times in the past 8 days.

Also finally got my monitors set up vertically and neck pain is basically gone, so that's awesome. Just some lower back pain now, but not nearly as bad as the neck pain was. Still working on my posture though. I swear to get rid of this anterior pelvic tilt I'm going to have to do 50 leg lefts a day, every day for a year. Nothing seems to work. But I just keep trying...

[codepants]

The prototype for my bike part came today. It's good I ordered a prototype because I accidentally used the dimensions of the bicycle frame as the inner dimensions instead of the outer dimensions. So I basically recreated a chunk of frame instead of the part that goes inside that chunk of frame. Lol... whoops!

Still cool, though. I'm happy with it... I'm happy that I made something! So I fixed up the design and ordered another prototype, hopefully of the correct dimensions this time.

[codepants]

Nothing really new to report, all caught up.

I have been journaling in my paper journal so I might disappear from this one periodically. Thank you all for the support you have given me!