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12 hours ago, Lampshade said:

Relaxation has got to have some benefits though. Definitely benefits for muscle recovery too. I was getting physio for a few different things and was looking up effectiveness of acupuncture vs. the electric shock thingies and they were about the same (looked at maybe half a dozen papers). Acupuncture is just so much more comfy though.

Right!? I always feel so zen after acu. Like coming out of a really, really deep meditation. And my back and neck pain are 95% gone. It's actually to treat something else, I think I wrote about it earlier but I won't type it up again here. The back and neck pain are bonuses. Such good bonuses.

2 hours ago, Commissar said:

It's very much a tangent, but you're all terrifying with the acupuncture. There's something in me that just rebels against the idea of it. But, hey, if it helps, it helps!

I saw a sign at the vets around here recently. A cartoon of a needle-sprouting cat, some horrifying amalgamation of porcupine and feline.

Animal Acupuncturist! it proudly proclaimed, alongside a phone number.

That, I thought, is an incredibly brave soul. You couldn't pay me enough to put needles in the animal with razor blades on its hands.

😂 thank you for sharing this wonderful moment.

FWIW depending on what you want done you might be lying face down and not even see the needles.

- - -

It's weird, I feel like today should have been emotionally exhausting, but it wasn't. I had two intakes, a no-show, and a really difficult session. But I just feel like I want to keep going.

The difficult session was a mom and son, son has ODD. ODD is hard because parent and kid usually feel drastically different... kid, like everything is unfair and overwhelming; mom, like kid can't handle any responsibility and explodes at the drop of a hat. Both of them cried, and kid might be going to the hospital this weekend for suicidal ideation. Odd as it sounds I think it's progress. SI usually means some part of us is dying... some part that isn't working. I was re-reading kid's notes and I think he may have co-morbid ADHD. If we can get medication for the ADHD that will almost certainly help with the ODD. It's such an exciting discovery, I want to call mom right now and tell her... but I should probably wait. #fridaynightenergy

Oh, this morning my racing thoughts were accompanied by a voice that narrated what I was doing. Not a hallucination; it was thinking a voice, not hearing a voice. At times I talked to it (thought to it? I wasn't speaking aloud). At one point I had the realization I was literally having a conversation with myself inside my head. It was the weirdest shit. I slept like shit last night and kept waking up in the middle of my dreams, I think that probably had something to do with it. Anyway, I tried to be very mindful about it, welcoming it in, asking it to have a seat. I was annoyed with it, so I invited annoyance in too, and annoyance had a seat, and I guess they just went away after a while. wtf is my psyche.

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Hello world, 10 days in and apparently it's time to start journaling. Why I'm Quitting I'm sure it's common to question whether one is actually "addicted" to games. That's where I am right n

@Lampshade Yea, I've been doing pretty good on exercise and, surprisingly, eating leafy greens. It's uke, mindfulness, and reading that I'm having the most trouble with. The thing about uke and mindfu

Right!? I always feel so zen after acu. Like coming out of a really, really deep meditation. And my back and neck pain are 95% gone. It's actually to treat something else, I think I wrote about it ear

11 hours ago, codepants said:

Oh, this morning my racing thoughts were accompanied by a voice that narrated what I was doing

I'm sorry, but I'm cracking up picturing your life narrated Arrested Development style lol

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On 11/7/2020 at 9:05 AM, Lampshade said:

I'm sorry, but I'm cracking up picturing your life narrated Arrested Development style lol

It is pretty funny in retrospect.

Yesterday was super busy so I didn't have time to make a post. I thought about writing another 2-line poem but just didn't feel it was worth it. So, yesterday, I woke up at 4 and could not get back to sleep, so instead I made a handout for the parents of one of my clients to help them parent in a productive way for this client. That took like 4 hours between doing the research, making the handout, making it pretty, proofreading, etc. Then made breakfast, did some errands, and a friend from out of town stopped by about noon. We spent maybe four hours walking around town (didn't want to get in her car together or go to a crowded restuarant) and went to one of those axe-throwing places (they have all the doors and windows open and there were like 4 people there). Turns out I am pretty good at throwing axes. Not something I would normally do but it was hella fun.

She left, so I rode to Trader Joe's to get a special trail mix my S.O. likes that I had mistaken for my own on Friday and eaten all of, then I made dinner, we watched Biden's address, some political commentary, and I went to bed around 9:30. Didn't practice uke or do mindfulness. Those habits are definitely slipping.

Today, woke up at 7, got out of bed about 8, breakfast, errands, laundry... it's been productive so far, but I still have so much more to do. At least two clients' worth of intro paperwork, ideally three... honestly if I could finish all that I would be happy. And during the breaks maybe I'll do my habits.

Also, got a decent paycheck the other day. A bunch of my clients' payments were waiting on the insurance company but they finally paid. So I'm losing slightly less money than I lost last month...

Onward.

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I think we're on similar days away from gaming and I've also noticed a couple of my habits slipping. My health related ones are fine, it's more the ones I would consider equivalent to your uke playing (hobbies?). I haven't been trying particularly hard to maintain them and have instead been doing other things and I think I'm okay with that.

What are your feelings towards losing a couple of the habits you set out for yourself at the beginning of the quit-gaming journey?

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@Lampshade Yea, I've been doing pretty good on exercise and, surprisingly, eating leafy greens. It's uke, mindfulness, and reading that I'm having the most trouble with. The thing about uke and mindfulness is they are best when practiced daily. Reading I think you can skip a few days, it's not like you get worse at reading over time (okay, maybe a tiny bit, like your vocabulary might shrink a little). I'm struggling with your idea because I think there's some wisdom there, but... but...

Not yet, I guess?

I think part of it is that I'm building a caseload so things are kind of chaotic, time-wise. And my relationship is all over the place so things are kind of chaotic, emotionally. I'm convinced with a regular schedule and stable relationship I can keep up all my habits. Maybe I will be a little more lenient (i.e. less judgmental) with myself, though. Building habits takes time and energy (physical and emotional), and I'm trying to build 11 new habits (even though 2 are "don't"s). If I struggle with 3 of them, that's still 8 new habits I'm building, which is quite the accomplishment. The other 3 can solidify when they are ready.

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Today was... a lot of things. Net frustration, I think, but I am pretty resilient.

Had group supervision. I don't like my supervisor. He just lectures, and I perceive him to be very self-absorbed. But we were talking about race, and I'm the only white male in the group, so I felt like I had to listen, even though I already knew a lot of what was being said. But listening to my supervisor is like trying to pick sunk peas out of broth soup. It's emphatically exhausting. Two hours.

3/3 clients today showed up, so that's good.

Bunch of phone calls, mostly for work, and those were okay. I finally called back the chiropractor to tell them to stop calling me, because I really felt like they were a scam and I want my evaluation $$ back. I don't believe all chiropractors are a scam, but this one just gave me such a bad feeling. They wanted $2500 after insurance for me to come in 3x/wk for 3 months to relieve my back pain. I paid $70 at the acupuncturist and it's basically gone. Though, as long as I have anterior pelvic tilt, I think it will keep coming back. I should probably add PT to my habits list...

Game night with lady friend was... game night with lady friend. We played a new game she bought because she thought she'd like it, and she really struggled through it. I don't mind people struggling through games, but when she struggles with something, she's so... whiney? Effusively frustrated? In need of, but impossible to support? It just took a lot out of me. And then she wanted to cuddle afterward. Which was fine, I like cuddling. But it's like... I already supported you through learning that game.

This has sort of been a thing for us. We've been trying to find common hobbies (besides watching TV) all quarantine, and every time we try a new game, she gets frustrated and usually gives up.

I don't know where to draw the line. I'm clearly not happy in the relationship, but... but...

(this is sounding familiar)

I don't want to move out. I'd be fine continuing to live together. We have the space, and we lose our deposit if we break our lease before April-ish.

I just need to sit on it.

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Today was okay. 4/4 clients showed up, so that's good, but it was spread over 9 hours of being in the office. I did get a lot done in the free hours though. Mostly catching up on documentation.

Girlfriend vented and wanted to cuddle on my arriving home. More of the same. In my head I was just repeating, "I need space, I need space, I need space," but I couldn't say it for some reason. Usually I'm good at setting boundaries. Maybe I am really afraid of getting kicked out.

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Same old today. New client, old client. I now have three cases of 12-14 year old males who have anger outbursts, female caretakers who usurp their emotions, and emotionally absent (or actually absent) male caretakers. I had a fourth last week that I haven't seen because he ran away from home. I'm going to be a pro at cases like these. This country...

 

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I'd rather not state my profession directly, not because I don't trust ya'll, but because sometimes people treat me differently when they find out what I do.

I'm in the US.

Today was so-so. I moved my therapy to Thursdays so I had therapy today instead of yesterday. It feels sort of like we're floating. I know I'm not happy but I think given everything that's going on, I'm doing okay. I considered terminating for now, but in a week, who knows how things will be going. Also, I don't have a copay, so as long as my therapist can justify it to my insurance company, I don't lose anything but an hour. It is helpful just to vent sometimes.

For work, 1 cancel today, and 1 showed but then said they needed to call back, and didn't. Ugh.

Acupuncture was acupuncture. I think it's done all it can to my back and neck without posture changes, but if it keeps the pelvic pain syndrome at bay, it's still worth it.

And then spent the rest of the day doing documentation. And AN HOUR on the phone with an insurance company getting ONE prior auth. That case manager just says everything that's on her mind. And everything she's doing.

Thursdays are check-in with lady friend, and the past few have been rough. For one of her check-in items she actually requested we check-in less. I have been giving her a lot of feedback lately which I know has been hard for her. And a physician finally told her her migraines were likely related to her trauma. I had suggested that in passing a while ago but didn't really feel it was my place to push it. She's pretty devastated since she doesn't want to confront the trauma. I know how hard that can be, and I think it will be really good for her. My major check-in was that I need her to put her emotions not all on me. That was hard for her to hear especially with everything she's going through. But I think it will be better for both of us, and the relationship (if we make it out of this) in the long run.

I'm happy to say I've been doing mindfulness and uke in the morning, which has helped with regularity. Reading has still gone by the wayside. I'm thinking about trying to swap it with TV -- i.e. every time I want to watch TV, I read instead. I currently have a "habit" goal of watching < 2 hrs of TV a day, and I've been nailing it. But if I could watch even less... I dunno. It's just so nice to have something on when eating lunch. But I suppose eating lunch without something on is more mindful and might help with the anxiety. Decisions, decisions...

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On 11/12/2020 at 12:01 AM, codepants said:

I now have three cases of 12-14 year old males who have anger outbursts, female caretakers who usurp their emotions, and emotionally absent (or actually absent) male caretakers. I had a fourth last week that I haven't seen because he ran away from home. I'm going to be a pro at cases like these.

Hey, it's my childhood! 😄    😧

 

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I think it's done all it can to my back and neck without posture changes

Forward head posture + anterior pelvic tilt? Chiro and this routine daily helped my upper body

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7 hours ago, Lampshade said:

Hey, it's my childhood! 😄    😧

Forward head posture + anterior pelvic tilt? Chiro and this routine daily helped my upper body

lol. Mine too. 😄😒

Hey, thanks.

Today was pretty good. 4/4 clients showed up, one was 20 minutes late though. One was really unenthusiastic, I don't know if it was a Friday thing or what. Also, dealt with ANOTHER endlessly talkative care manager... prior auths are so much fun.

Did not have time to do mindfulness or uke this morning so still have to fit that in if I can. Lady friend is upset with me, I think. She had been crying when I got back from work and asked to cuddle but didn't want to talk. She wants to watch a movie tonight. I'm down with that.

This weekend will be finishing this week's documentation and doing some work for my other job, which I'm pretty excited about. I'm less excited about working all the time, but... at least I'm not playing video games? 😁

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Today was down, then up. Lady friend was ignoring and not talking to me unless I initiated, and even then, she was terse. Later in the day we talked and things are a little better now, but still hard. Rearranged the office, finally. Repotted the ivy, finally.

Spent most of the morning working on stuff for my other job, as planned. It was pretty enjoyable, actually. Nothing like sinking into a coding project for 4 hours. Read some (hooray!), took a nap... gonna get back on the uke train today after falling off yesterday, and maybe the mindfulness train.

 

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Back on the mindfulness train, and the ukulele train. Off the exercise train. It's like musical trains.

Definitely feeling more down than usual. I ran out of turmeric on Friday, I doubt that's it but I wanted to document it in case I look back wondering. Headaches, fatigue, stomach hurting... all stuff I'm used to, just not stuff I've felt in a while.

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Still on the mindfulness and uke trains. I think doing those first thing in the morning really helps. It's really difficult to motivate/convince myself to do them later in the day.

Also worked out today. It's 30 degrees outside, so thank you, punching bag. And ordered a yoga mat so I don't have to use my gfs when I stop to do crunches/push-ups/whatever.

I think I'm going to try and be much more intentional about how I spend my time. No watching shows just because it's convenient. Even though I typically watch less than 2 hours a day, that's a lot of time I could be doing other things, 730 hours a year. I'm considering doing no TV at all unless it's with someone else (ex. gf wants to watch something together). And maybe when I eat, just eating -- not doing anything else. A form of mindfulness if you will.

(when did "just eating and not doing anything else" become something we need to identify as a good habit, I don't know)

It still feels like my baseline is dropping. Still keeping an eye it. I still don't "believe in" supplements but the only thing that's changed (that I can think of) is the turmeric. Keeping an eye out for other things though. Ooh... maybe eating salad? I think I've been doing that less lately.

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Today was a lot of things. Glad I did most of my habits in the AM.

Work was crazy. 3 cancellations, which sucks, but still I was busy with documentation or getting organized. Really interesting intake that I hope will return. We will see.

Came home and worked on a project for my other job.

And now time for bed.

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Woof. Missed yesterday, apparently. It was busy and intense. One 2.25 hour session working with parents and a kid who had things just get really, really out of hand recently. Trying to teach them to communicate with each other so they can at least make it to next week. I'm hopeful things will change for them, but I guess we'll see.

Then, game night with high school friends. I always have a good time with them. It was really nice to feel connected with people who make me feel loved for who I am.

Did not sleep so well. Lady friend wants to do separate beds for a while; apparently, I have been acting out my dreams and waking her up multiple times a night. I think I'll probably sleep better in a separate bed, too.

Today has been okay, but stressful. I'm feeling the stress of paperwork, and still trying to figure out the correct way to document that session yesterday. I have a call set up with my supervisor tomorrow to figure it out, but if you've been reading since the beginning, you know how I feel about my supervisor and how those conversations usually go.

Still two assessments pending.

Another session later today.

Couples therapy with lady friend.

And tomorrow, sessions all day.

I'll get caught up... on paperwork... on my emotions... with my life... eventually.

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Things since Thursday have been rough. I forgot that I have a trauma response to my supervisor. I guess the weeks between supervision are long enough for me to forget. Fortunately, he had to cancel our call yesterday and I got what I needed from someone else at the clinic. But we rescheduled for Tuesday, so now I have that to look forward to.

Lady friend's cat peed on my bed (we keep it because sometimes we sleep better separately). I am irrationally upset about having a stain on my mattress.

I'm just so angry about everything right now and I don't know what to do about it.

There's definitely a voice in the back of my head saying, "game, game, game..." but it's small. I know that will just postpone the whatever it is I have to do with this feeling.

It's funny, for my therapy on the past two Thursdays, I had touched on the idea of terminating. I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't feeling shit. No suicidal thoughts. Now it's like... fuck this, why am I here?

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I'd like to start doing gratefulness in my posts again. So...

Something I'm Grateful For

My Vitamix. It was actually given to me for free by my lady friend's ex-household because it was broken. Turns out it was a common break and with a screwdriver and a $10 part off eBay it can be easily repaired. So I got a Vitamix for $10 and I've had a few smoothies a week since then.

General Update

Feeling better since yesterday. I cooled off by watching boatloads of TV, then went out and vented to my girlfriend. I think it was hard because of the shame around being rejected for sex. Not that there's shame in being rejected; I think for me it's more shame in wanting sex and bidding for it (i.e. trying to initiate). I've had a lot of bad experiences around failed bids for intimacy (that I perceive were appropriate and non-abusive) and as a society I think a lot of what we identify as abuse, or a lot of "problem behavior" exhibited by men, is when men bid for sex with women (note: by "bid" I mean initiate, ask for, etc... not bidding with money). So I'm especially sensitive to being rejected.

I think, too, it's perfectly legitimate to be frustrated when one is rejected. The problem is that a lot of people conflate frustration with entitlement. "Oh, you're only frustrated because you think you deserve/have earned/are entitled to sex!" No. I'm frustrated because not getting something you want is sometimes frustrating. That doesn't mean I'm entitled to it.

Anyway, rant over. I just needed to share with lady friend I was frustrated that I wanted sex and she didn't, and once that was out and she didn't judge me for it, everything else came out too. So... feeling better.

Almost caught up with paperwork for work. One of my new clients doesn't have his second appointment till next week, so I'm taking it slow on that one... gonna be a long holiday weekend though, I have two more intakes this week. If they show up.

Also, did yoga this morning with lady friend, which was fun. We might try and make it a thing, which would be a cool way to motivate each other to work out.

This is getting long, so, all for now.

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14 hours ago, codepants said:

Also, did yoga this morning with lady friend, which was fun. We might try and make it a thing, which would be a cool way to motivate each other to work out.

Sounds nice. My s.o and I work out together and it's brought us closer + keeps us motivated to be in shape.

The sex thing as a guy is hard. Especially since I find it's the guy who ends up having to initiate a disproportionate amount of time.

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15 hours ago, Lampshade said:

The sex thing as a guy is hard. Especially since I find it's the guy who ends up having to initiate a disproportionate amount of time.

Yea. I heard Dan Savage say, "men get turned on, then start touching; women start touching, then get turned on." It seems a little unfair.

Grateful

My ears? See below.

Etc.

So I'm about a month into Wellbutrin and today at about 4:30 PM today my ears started ringing and have not stopped since. They had been ringing on and off for the past two weeks or so but for most people the symptoms get worse and then they get better, so I figured, it will pass... well, fuck tinnitus. I started doing research and apparently Wellbutrin causing permanent tinnitus is a thing. Even if you stop taking the med. If I had know that I never would have taken it. So I'm stopping and hoping it's not permanent. I don't care how I felt without the med or what withdrawal is like, this is so. not. worth. it. fml.

If you've never had tinnitus before and are curious what it's like, just put this on in the background while you go about your day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tmiHyH2fyA).

So yea, I'm grateful that I'm not deaf, because apparently that is also a possible side effect, though apparently only 1% of people get it. Yes, only 1% of people go deaf from this medication...

Today also sucked because I had supervision. I've talked about this before so I won't get too far into it, but my supervisor gives me a trauma response. I had a nightmare last night and then was like oh... that makes sense. There is a good part, which is that I gave him feedback about it and though he blatantly ignored it (like he always does) somebody else in the group e-mailed me after and was like... thank you. So at least I'm not alone.

 

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3 hours ago, codepants said:

Grateful

My ears? See below.

Etc.

So I'm about a month into Wellbutrin and today at about 4:30 PM today my ears started ringing and have not stopped since. They had been ringing on and off for the past two weeks or so but for most people the symptoms get worse and then they get better, so I figured, it will pass... well, fuck tinnitus. I started doing research and apparently Wellbutrin causing permanent tinnitus is a thing. Even if you stop taking the med. If I had know that I never would have taken it. So I'm stopping and hoping it's not permanent. I don't care how I felt without the med or what withdrawal is like, this is so. not. worth. it. fml.

So yea, I'm grateful that I'm not deaf

I've had an eardrum burst and have tinnitus. It sucks because there's no control over when it's gonna happen or when it decides to go away. Hope going off the med helps in some way. The gratefulness is a good silver lining, like "Hey, at least I can still hear things..."

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Wellbutin was one of the things I was given to try as well. I never got to the point of it becoming effective though because I'm terrified of the side effects and the withdrawal. Hope you make it through okay, tinnitus sounds awful.

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Yea, I wish someone had told me the tinnitus could be permanent. I never would have consented. If I went deaf I couldn't do my job, and my $40,000 master's degree would have been a waste. Like seriously, they don't think to mention that?

Quit cold turkey starting Monday PM. Yesterday was rough and I thought it may have been withdrawal so I popped one. The internet says it takes 4 days for 99.9% of it to leave my system, but I don't know what that means for when withdrawal ends. I still have tinnitus. Today I've been feeling a little anxious too.

I'm just having trouble being grateful for anything right now. Maybe that means I'm depressed again. 😅

I do have to get to bike into work today so maybe I should be grateful for a lifestyle that forces me to exercise.

But yea, I've been slouching on all my habits. Haven't done many of them in a week or more. Haven't been journaling every day. Been thinking about picking up games again (haven't). Wanting to sleep all day. Just... things are hard right now.

This is rather vulnerable but I have noticed that when lady friend rejects me for sex I get pretty grumpy for a while. It doesn't feel good to me that I react that way; as I said in a previous post, it's her right to decline... it also feels patriarchal and immature. Maybe it's because other things about the relationship are not going well so I'm unintentionally leaning on sex to make up for it. Like, at least that is a way I can get some enjoyment out of spending time with her. Ugh, that makes me sound like such a bad person...

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