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On 12/7/2020 at 10:30 PM, Jason70 said:

Wow 86 days, you're almost there just 4 more days, you've got this! 

On 12/7/2020 at 8:01 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Thanks @Jason70. Yesterday was day 90 and I didn't even realize it. I don't feel different but when I look back, I realize how much healthier and happier I am now.

Yesterday I also analyzed my version 1 'Put away laptop downstairs at 12 am every day experiment.' While I did succeed on most days, I still use too much computer.

My new version 2 experiment is 'Only use laptop from 2 pm to 12 am and put away laptop downstairs at 12 am.'

I also am experimenting with 'Writing stories on paper in the morning and typing them into computer after 2 pm.' I already do this with my weekly journal.

I have been doing a sub experiment with paper writing that involves re-iterations of text on different sheets and rearranging like a map and drawing progression maps like Zelda Dungeons. I am honest with myself when I say I like some concepts and aesthetics found in video games but I hate the tedium in playing them and I know as an addict who has relapsed on-and-off again years before ever finding Game Quitters that games will just suck me in and waste my time and my health because billion dollar companies pay the smartest people in the world to make and sell these games to suck people like me, and you, into their world because they want to make more money. I have found these video-game-esque concepts manifesting elsewhere such as the maps I draw to represent story progressions through different scenes and that's okay.

I've had my fill after playing Bloodborne and Doom Eternal and there are always new and better games comming out all the time but whatever they are nothing to me. I have my writing, and reading, and music, and cooking, and exercise to entertain me and keep me calm and healthy. I also want more and deeper and new social relations and friends.

I wonder what my life will look like after the pandemic. Many people made things during quarantine, many people did nothing. During the Pandemic, I did not play video games for 90 days (or quite possibly 120 days, I'm not too sure about July and August). That is my accomplishment. I won because I allowed myself to sleep in. To lean on a bunch of different crutches from porn to book-addiction, and even got rid of other crutches along the journey. I sought to make the recovery process easy by being as comfy as possible and going easy on myself in a bunch of other areas.

We are not perfect and mistakes are made, after all we are in recovery.

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I'm not quite sure when I stopped. The memories are muddled for me and I don't want to remember. But, I'm sure it was sometime just before the middle of August. I hope to develop a morning habit of wr

IMO everybody needs somewhere they can talk about anything. Could be the internet, a best friend, a therapist. Last resort, a journal—but I think really what we need is to be freed from shame, and jou

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Since I've reached 90 days (or possibly 120 days because of that one summer month where my memories are hazy) I'll stop counting unless I relapse because its easier to just write the date.

Wed, Dec 9: Took a bath in the tub (instead of a shower) for the first time this year. Overall relaxing but tub is too small for my legs.

Sat 12: Put 'cleaning' as an exercise under the 'B' category along with Yoga and stretches. Dad and I moved grey couch from fireplace room to dad's office because I want to turn fireplace room into a workout space. A simple furniture move was meladramatic and overemotional as mom and dad argued about past things brought to the surface by cleaning the house.

Sun 13: My legs feel like the antlers of a great and monstrous stag because of the cramped bath plus moving the couch.

Mon 14: Legs better after stretches.

Week analysis: Not using computer until 2 pm every day makes me feel happier and healthier and more relaxed. It makes me feel that I have more control over my life. I take more time to comb my hair in the morning and make breakfast. I experience cravings for computer but I counter those cravings by activating super easy relaxing lazy mode. A positive side effect of 'no computer until 2 pm' is that I take more naps. These naps make me healthier and I am grateful for them. Even if inner critic bitches about "muh productivity." I remind myself that I am in recovery and I have the right to live healthy and take naps.

I realise now that 'new' and 'fun' are virtues that pair together.

I want to live in a new fun place and meet and befriend new fun people and have new fun adventures and love and fuck new fun girls and write new fun stories and create new fun art.

For next week I work on maintaining my 'no computer until 2 pm' good habit. I'm excited to see what new fun things I will discover and do.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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I appreciated your Friday post. Came at the right time for me. I won't butter you up too much but it's inspiring to see how far you've gone away from games, how you did it, and how content you are with the methods and the results.

On 12/11/2020 at 10:25 PM, Bird By Bird said:

I have been doing a sub experiment with paper writing that involves re-iterations of text on different sheets and rearranging like a map and drawing progression maps like Zelda Dungeons

I do something similar for writing papers. When I read something I underline interesting things. A week or so later I'll write anything I still find interesting on an index card. Index cards are organized by themes and subthemes. Then, when it's time to write, I flip through and dump out the cards, line them up, group similar ideas, make connections, etc. Much easier and fun way to start an outline than a blank word doc.

 

On 12/11/2020 at 10:25 PM, Bird By Bird said:

I wonder what my life will look like after the pandemic.

I'm excised and hopeful to see how the new, game-free version of myself gets through the world. Sounds like you are for yourself as well . It's nice to read 🙂

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11 hours ago, Lampshade said:

I appreciated your Friday post. Came at the right time for me. I won't butter you up too much but it's inspiring to see how far you've gone away from games, how you did it, and how content you are with the methods and the results.

On 12/11/2020 at 9:25 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Thanks @Lampshade. I forgot to mention how I did try to quit games before in the past with 'no console games but only the small amount of games that can run and play on an old Mac' or 'no console or pc games but only phone games' and how those failed and spiraled off into different directions. There were also a few times last year where I overloaded my good habits-building schedule and the strain made me relapse into bad habits and it took a while for me to accept the patience required to do work on trying out 1 (or max 2) new habits per week and how habits need to be solidified before new habits or newer versions of habits can be implemented into lifestyle. There are even old habits, like a lot of productivity apps like Habit RPG that I don't use any more, that needed to be removed from the 'habit house' and thrown away because they did more harm than good or distracted me too much. Even now I am still solidifying a writing habit and working through psychic blocks that prevent me from accepting a creative flow. That usually means more private introspection exercises plus playtime with old physical toys that seem silly at times but let loose a creative energy.

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The hardest part of maintaining an online accountability journal is deciding what to post and what is private. What should be shared? What should be kept secret?

My leg still bothers me so I've booked an appointment with a chiropractor. This has caused me to slow down and streamline my activities.

I've fallen into a schedule where I've done the same things every morning and the same things before going to bed every night. This leaves the rest of the day to be explored. The bulk of my day is still spent on the computer but I hope to faze that out with more exercise, playing around, lazing about, outdoor activities, and social activities. My schedule has not yet solidified but it feels like a more viscous liquid like honey or gel.

I live in the fog of possibilities swimming through a foamy sea. Massive waves tower in the distance and shrink into nothing before they can reach me. Sea Salamander and mini-whales bob beneath me beckoning to take me across. They are right beneath me and also far away. The sky runs sepia like worn pages from an old book of maps destroyed and sogged-crumpled away. I move and remain still. The Sea Salamanders and I await the whale that is coming.

Today, I meant to wait until 2 pm to use any electronic devices but instead I used my phone at 1:45. I look back on this lapse and think to myself how much good health and time I saved by setting this time limit in the first place.

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15 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

The hardest part of maintaining an online accountability journal is deciding what to post and what is private. What should be shared? What should be kept secret?

IMO everybody needs somewhere they can talk about anything. Could be the internet, a best friend, a therapist. Last resort, a journal—but I think really what we need is to be freed from shame, and journaling can't really do that (there are numerous other advantages to journaling, of course).

For my part I invite you to share whatever you like. We're all here because we're struggling with something. I've seen people post about sex, masturbation, alcoholism, ... that is not to say it's easy, or not embarrassing at first. Of course I also hope you will set whatever boundaries seem right to you. In general though, my opinion is that people are better when we can nonjudgmentally share how we feel, and that keeping it in tends to create stigma and perpetuate shame.

💛

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Congrats on 90 days. Keep going.

It's a balance trying to figure out what to write. I suggest keeping the extremely personal stuff separate and only communicating with therapists on those topics. Such things like specific work issues or specific family issues. I avoid work on this website completely. I mainly use this site to clear my thoughts. I've had outbursts where I write hate ridden posts about my family or friends and I end up deleting them. I'm a very fiery person and sometimes it's tough not to blast someone to smithereens on this website lol. 

Write something down, take a few moments, read through it, if it feels inappropriate or not the way you'd like to be seen by others, then delete it and write it in a more constructive way.

I am seen as a leader in this community and if I start acting like an immature baby and saying stupid things in my diary it does not set a good example for others to heal or who look up to me for advice.

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40 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am seen as a leader in this community and if I start acting like an immature baby and saying stupid things in my diary it does not set a good example for others to heal or who look up to me for advice.

We're all in recovery and while every person has the right to share or to keep secret what they want in their public journals - 'pulling rank' is harmful because it closes you off from new information and erects a second barrier when we already have the first barrier of a screen and the semi-anonimity of a forum.

Saying stupid things in your journal might make you sound more human and relateable but I also understand keeping the super personal things to yourself.

I'm still debating between @codepants and your advice for what to share or keep secret because I see merit in both arguments.

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Dec 27, Today: Moved storage table with dad to create small workout space in what used to be the dining room.

Dec, Mon 21:
Decided Christmas Bread would be my Christmas gift to family.
Experimented with squatting while writing exercise.

Tue 22: Gave Toastmasters speech.
Realized yesterday's Great Conjuction of Jupiter and Saturn had an effect that changed my life. I can see how this change will affect the next 20 years until the next Conjunction.

Wed 23: Western philosophy says affirmations good. Eastern philosophy and the Buddhist religion says intentions bad - to have no intentions and what you once sought will come to you effortlessly. The bible says to pray and worry not for the morrow.
Experiment: Morning affirmations then forget about them for the rest of the day (as opposed to constantly holding them in mind).
Realization that I have spent most of my life in a quasi-dissociative state. Experiment be present and meditate while doing everything that I do. Constant awareness + taking it easy and relaxing because when I tried this experiment before I became so stress and high strung from constantly being aware.

Thu 24: Stomach ache made me keep using laptop pass 12am.
Fri 25: Baked bread w. raisins, chocolate, and cheese. Baking triggered game cravings because I used to play while waiting for the bread to bake. Spoke to relatives over Facetime.

Sat 26: Forgot to eat fish for Christmas. Opened it today. I eagerly impatiently await the new year. I remind myself to live in the present moment.

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On 12/19/2020 at 6:14 PM, Bird By Bird said:

The hardest part of maintaining an online accountability journal is deciding what to post and what is private. What should be shared? What should be kept secret?

I agree, it makes it hard to write something at all when you just want to vent everything out and know it might be too personal. I feel like if I have enough time I sometimes write out what I want to say in a word doc, save it, and come back to reread it later. I usually still feel like most of the post is okay after the reread but I will omit certain things from time to time. Btw, congrats on your 90 days, I just finished mine 10 days ago now! 

 

On 12/27/2020 at 7:10 PM, Bird By Bird said:

 

Wed 23: Western philosophy says affirmations good. Eastern philosophy and the Buddhist religion says intentions bad - to have no intentions and what you once sought will come to you effortlessly. The bible says to pray and worry not for the morrow.
Experiment: Morning affirmations then forget about them for the rest of the day (as opposed to constantly holding them in mind).
Realization that I have spent most of my life in a quasi-dissociative state. Experiment be present and meditate while doing everything that I do. Constant awareness + taking it easy and relaxing because when I tried this experiment before I became so stress and high strung from constantly being aware.

I struggle with the fact that to survive in the modern world, you have to be constantly "doing" and that it comes at the cost of forgetting that all we actually are, are beings. It makes it hard to simply be (which is all we actually are) when we feel compelled to constantly do (what we associate ourselves with actually being). My life feels like one huge conflict that is avoided through distraction because I find it immensely difficult to just be, when constantly I am forced to do. I don't understand what a healthy ego is and I don't know what a truly healthy, sane individual looks like. There seems to be no blueprint but I like your experiment and I can empathize with the quasi-dissociative state. 

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Felt conflicting feelings about Apollo Legend's suicide. I enjoyed a few of his videos. I haven't thought about him for a long time until I heard the news that he offed himself. A part of me feels glad that I left that scene.

I wasn't able to sleep last night until 10 am.

Cut family members' hair. Going to eat cake and later make some dough for New Years Bread. Happy New Years everyone.

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1 hour ago, Bird By Bird said:

I wasn't able to sleep last night until 10 am.

I think this is becoming a theme for people. Just keep slowly working on it and don't get discouraged with how long it takes to sleep at a normal time again. Do not dwell. 

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Friday, January 1: Realized version 2 of my computer schedule (only use 2pm-12am) caused me to sleep until afternoon and stay up late at night.

Experimenting with version 3: 9am to 9pm. See if that improves my bedtime.

Did stretching exercises with parents in newly cleared out exercise room.

Grandpa fell down and hit his head. Uncle who takes care of him said he is alright for now and just has a bruise.

Saturday, January 2: Dad angry. Picking fights with mom because she is slow and lazy and unreliable. Yet he was okay with her laziness for YEARS. When Grandpa dies, my family will lose its last decent adult because everyone still alive right now is a piece of shit in one way or another, so I can understand why dad would be angry.

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2 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Friday, January 1: Realized version 2 of my computer schedule (only use 2pm-12am) caused me to sleep until afternoon and stay up late at night.

Experimenting with version 3: 9am to 9pm. See if that improves my bedtime.

Did stretching exercises with parents in newly cleared out exercise room.

Grandpa fell down and hit his head. Uncle who takes care of him said he is alright for now and just has a bruise.

Saturday, January 2: Dad angry. Picking fights with mom because she is slow and lazy and unreliable. Yet he was okay with her laziness for YEARS. When Grandpa dies, my family will lose its last decent adult because everyone still alive right now is a piece of shit in one way or another, so I can understand why dad would be angry.

Do you think he picked a fight due to frustration over your grandfather falling?

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I'm glad your grandpa is doing alright for now, i hope he stays well.

For your father picking arguments. I understand if the adults in your family are useless and lazy, that can be frustrating. Like what @BooksandTreessaid, the reason for the arguments might be because of the stress/frustration  from grandpa's fall and other external sources. Besides the cause, i am assuming that he also might be yelling at her due to her laziness. Maybe there is a way you could encourage her to help and be productive so there's less fights? 
 

I am not sure but i hope things improve in your family 

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@BooksandTrees @royal panda That's the most likely reason. I explained to mom that dad was angry because grandpa fell and it took her a while to connect the dots. "Oh that's why he was doing that." Then, Dad came downstairs with a big smile and manic energy because he was so excited to shovel the snow?! Talk about mood swings.

I should clarify that mom does do her part around the house, she just takes so long to do anything because PERFECTIONISM means veggies are chopped perfectly or every plate is hand washed five times before going in the dishwasher OCD type-shit.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Jan 8-12: Slept before putting away computer on some days.

Sleep schedule shifted again to me waking up early anywhere from 12 am to 4 am and then going to sleep after 6 pm. Mom sometimes woke me up to eat dinner then I would sleep from 12 to 1. Sometimes she would cook dinner at 10 pm sometimes at 4 am in the morning.

All productivity has taken a backseat to introspection of myself and issues and the 'why's of doing what I do.

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The embarassment of NASA's Artemis Hot Fire failing proves we are still in 2020. A summary of things to come.

I also had a failed "rocket launch" this week that put me into a funk MOOD. 

2020 technically hasn't even ended yet because year of the rat lasts from Jan 25 2020 to Feb 11 2021.

Hypothesis that I lacked energy because I did not have enough fun for the past 2 weeks. This week I scheduled dedicated fun time with legos and piano improv. We'll see if having more fun times improve my energy or not.

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