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Oct 2020 week 2 analysis

  • Trend: Long melodramatic posts on weekends.
  • Trend: Too much on to-do list for 2 weeks in a row.
  • Trend: Waking up at from 12-2pm.

If you (yeah, you reading this right now) see any other trends, tell me about them. We are all blind to ourselves.

I also haven't been able to get my forum signature to work. It's just some text and a link to this journal.

Everyone around me is a nervous wreck. I don't think I've ever even met a single calm person in the past ten years. Even the monks at that temple I went to are worried about shit, and the rich relatives and their friends I spoke to are also worried about shit. Did all the chill people just tunnel underground? I want a chill role model damn it.

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On 10/13/2020 at 6:26 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Social media is addictive and decreases productivity at work. Companies lose money because their workers are constantly checking social media. Students do worse in school because of social media. [We are here] Companies and parents lobby governments to put regulations on social media to curb addictive systems like notifications, recommended feeds, and infinite scrolling. Governments restrict social media. Employees and students become more productive. Companies make more money. Companies invest more money into lobbying for healthy social media restrictions.

I dislike using phones when I am already in a social environment, but SM is a lot like gaming. It works fine for most, but some people (and I would) binge it. I'd agree with the idea that today people have shorter attention spans than before, though it's not a question solely of using or not using SM.

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Bird by Bird, it's on my reading list. Can't remember where I heard of it from. Just wanted to pop in and show interest.

The nervous wreck thing is real. I noticed it the first time I managed to quit coffee (for like two weeks). It seemed like everybody else was on another plane of existence. It's amazing how so many people spend the morning bouncing with drug energy, and the afternoon in grumpy recovery.

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On 10/15/2020 at 4:28 AM, Ikar said:

I dislike using phones when I am already in a social environment, but SM is a lot like gaming. It works fine for most, but some people (and I would) binge it. I'd agree with the idea that today people have shorter attention spans than before, though it's not a question solely of using or not using SM.

It really does depend on the individual person. My uncle games like 2 hours once a week and he's fine with sticking to his work and social commitments. I also think it's because he was exposed to games at a later age than I and because of that, his brain was more mature and developped more self control - unlike today where babies are given iPads before their first birthday to calm them down.

On 10/15/2020 at 11:35 AM, Lampshade said:

Bird by Bird, it's on my reading list. Can't remember where I heard of it from.

Bird by Bird is a how-to-write book about doing work one step at a time. I haven't drank coffee in months. I'm still jittery as a result of other things like,  gaming and web surfing,but much less than before. I do brew a good pot of tea every so often but it's not a habit. I can't wait for this nervous wreck trend to end and for people to become calm again.

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Wed 14 Day 32 + 30

Jogged. Worked on Blog.
Contemplated putting laptop and phone in piano bench after eating dinner because I no longer want to web surf binge at night. I miss looking in the mirror and seeing the whites of my eyes - all I see are the reds of my eyes.

Thu 15
Productive and content work turned irritating at the 2 hour mark, angry at the 3 hour mark, sad after 4 hours and tired after 5. I blame screen addiction.
Laptop doesn't fit inside piano bench. Put it ontop of piano before going upstairs to bed.
(Day 1 put computer away at 12am)

Fri 16
Woke at 9 am. Finally.
Brewed tea. Jogged.
Failed to connect PuTTY to VPS. I am more chill this time.
(Day 2 put computer away at 12am)

Sat 17

Vomited at 4 am.
Installed Debian on VPS. Can't help but feel I fucked something up but it seems to work fine for now. Linux framework has me in perpetual confusion.
My eyes look less red.
Read that people self-isolate for fear of being called out for not doing shit.
Web surf binged at night.

Sun 18 Day 36 + 30

Made income and expenses shreadsheet.
Web surf binged at night.

Mon 19
I want to rush and get things done but also move slow at my own pace and do both at the same time. WTF!
Debian giving me "Network is unreachable" messages.
I've been getting "Network is unreachable" messages for my entire life.
There are 50 different solutions that could fix this problem. I am going through every one of them until I find the one that works. I am becoming methodical.
Resolve:
    to go through each possible fix one by one
    to write down what I changed plus screenshots and links
    to cross them off a list until I find the one that works

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Oct Week 3 Analysis

I wrote parts of my main novel for a total of 1 day this week.
I jogged 3 times (every second day).
I put the computer away at 12am for 2 days in a row this week.

I have begun brushing my hair once a day as part of my morning routine.
New ideas for writing appear around 4, 5, and 6 am. This happens regardless of me being an early bird or me pulling an all nighter.
After daydreaming about greek and mediteranian salads and platters, I have begun eating more fruits and veggies with hummus and dips for breakfast and less bread or grain-based products.

Predictions:
I will rage at Linux.
I will not put my computer away until way after 12am on most days.
I will get more sleep this week.
I will jog 4 times this week.
I will alternate between a calm reasonable pace and a frantic rushed state.
I will spend more days writing my novel for this week than last week.
I will spend more time reading during this week than last week.
 

 

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Tue 20 Day 38 + 30
Chaired Toastmasters meeting.
Saw dad watch livestream of some girl doing her makeup. Argh urgh, I hope he hasn't given her any money. I always knew he was that type but I thought the generational divine might have saved him.

Wed
n/a

Thu
Almost no progress because lack of sleep and web surfing.

Fri
I won. I managed to ping google on my Debian terminal. Weeks of thinking and learning linux, resolved after I changed inet6 to inet - resolved after deleting 1 number. Changing dhcp to a static ip might have had something to do with it too.
Another error has appeared: one file refuses to update to its newer version. I will solve this one too.

Sat
Listed possible fixes for broken pipe error. 

Sun
Read Game Quitter Journals. Realized one of us was an ex-member of the South Korean cult whose leader has been arrested for deliberately spreading Covid-19 in order to fulfill a doomsday prophecy. That member also stopped posting and I hope he is still safe and they didn't get him.

Theory: I did not put computer away in time because I did not consume manly literature like Conan or Robert Bly. The Maiden King is a much harder read than Iron John because it is closer to home.

Mon 26 Day 44 + 30
I stopped binge-watching anime a long time ago and now watch one episode of a chill show every day or every two days like Mushi-Shi and the only anime I look forward to is Jojo. But I have to admit that I do have an addiction to binge-reading manga. Very few manga provide higher value to me but I still read it instead of going to sleep. Giving up the computer before bed feels like letting go of my pool float or lifeline amd giving myself up to the dark ocean, of unknowable deeps.
Realized for as much as I like the Dune series, I was always irked about how fragile Paul and Leto II are.
I thinki my sleeping past noon is a result of Play-Rebellion. My inner play-self hates that I continue my deep learning schedule on the weekends. I might limit deep work to only 6 days a week or maybe even only 4 days a week.

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Oct Week 4 Analysis

  • wrote main novel 4 times this week (sun, tue, wed, sat)
  • days I stayed up late and slept after 5am - I wrote in my main novel at 5am on those same days
  • jogged 4 times this week (sun, tue, thu, sat)
  • I put my computer away at 12am 0 times this week
  • all of last weeks predictions came true

Predictions:

  • jog mon, wed, fri
  • I will dust, vacuum, and change bedsheets this week
  • I will chill on tue, wed, and sat
  • I will deep work thu, and fri
  • I will wake before 12pm on thu
  • I will solve the unmet dependencies / file naming linux error this week

Wed is usually my burn out day anyways so I might as well make it official.
Experiment with Deep Work Schedule version 2 that has mon, tue, thu, and fri with 5 hour deep work sessions and wed, sat, and sun as casual days where on wed I still do some work but am more chill and casual.

 

phone addict 2.png

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10 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

The Maiden King is a much harder read than Iron John because it is closer to home.

I've just finished Iron John. It's one of the more lyrical books that I've read. I like the idea of "male initiation", the explanations how the rituals for achieving maturity were demolished in the modern society and perhaps how to work around this. What do you identify with in the books?

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9 hours ago, Ikar said:

What do you identify with in the books?

My mother and teachers pulled a fast one on me like they do to Ivan in chapter 1 of the maiden king.

I remember briefly riding the red horse when I told off my relatives and got my way, the white horse when I defended a friend from a bully, and the black horse when I was in the zone during a speech competition but those horses rarely showed up in my life again and I find myself riding the three-legged hobbledy horse with a gash in my thigh as my regular mount. I want to have the full strength of my being all the time dammit.
I remember being covered in oil and dirt from factory work looking like a real cinder-biter.
@Ikar Tell me what pierced you in Iron John.

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11 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

My mother and teachers pulled a fast one on me like they do to Ivan in chapter 1 of the maiden king.

I remember briefly riding the red horse when I told off my relatives and got my way, the white horse when I defended a friend from a bully, and the black horse when I was in the zone during a speech competition but those horses rarely showed up in my life again and I find myself riding the three-legged hobbledy horse with a gash in my thigh as my regular mount. I want to have the full strength of my being all the time dammit.
I remember being covered in oil and dirt from factory work looking like a real cinder-biter.
@Ikar Tell me what pierced you in Iron John.

I remember the part about horses. I like the idea that shamanic cultures weren't clueless about how to live and that they were more in touch with the spiritual and animal world in general. I'm not really surprised why there's a lot of unconscious negativity in the world today and why so many relationships are dysfunctional. It's as if the essence of human contact was missing from them, causing a lot of suffering, for example in the form of addictions.

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@IkarI remember my dad always used to say that we live in the best of all times because running water, refrigerators, and computers and that all other times were bad because they didn't have those things. Not only did this insult all other humans in history, it also denied the real suffering and the problems we experience today. This doesn't mean to fetishize the past but to look at what older cultures did right, analyze the trade-offs between one society and another, and figure out how we can implement the best parts of their wisdom within our own lives and institutions.
I agree with your perspective of shamanic cultures and I grieve when so many people see ancient and shamanic cultures as no better than wild animals when there is a lot that we can learn from them.

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Tue Oct 27 Day 45 + 30
My email provider is so shit. I want to find a new email app.

Wed 28
Shiva and Saturn do battle within my soul. Shiva the dynamic, wild, fury and Saturn the stable, chill, taciturn who moves at his own pace. I feel a Shiva-ic rebellion on the inside and the outside.

Thu 29
In the psychological thriller: Operators and Things, the main character is told that she is curently being controlled by a judicious old man named Burt but that she was once controlled by the wild-haired, lanky, big-eyed Hinton and that Hinton would be controlling her once again.
Woke up at 6pm.
The problem I avoided all week took less than 1 hour to solve. Turns out I just had to delete a missnamed file and then download the correct version.
Created daily computer alarm that rings at 12 am.

Fri 30
Put laptop away at 12:20 am.
Remembered reading a story where the inside of a man's house was called "the outside" and all his furniture was on the outside of his reversed house and he called everything else the inside. I thought it was Restaurant at the End of the Universe but I re-read the book and that scene is missing. Maybe it was part of the radio drama.

Sat 31
12 am.
Felt dissociated as my body turned off the computer and put it away.

Sun Nov 1 Day 50+30
Wrote affirmations. Paid attention to negative thoughts that attacked me during my affirmations, acknowledged them, and turned them into their positive opposites.
Dusted shelves, moved boxes, cleaned table, vacuumed floor, changed bedsheets, cleaned room.
 

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Nov Week 5 Analysis:

  • Wrote in my main story on Sun and Mon
  • Jogged Mon, Wed, Fri
  • Put computer away at 12 am Fri, Sat

I read chapters from Conan, The Rings of Saturn, Macbeth.
I re-read Wonderbook, Man and his Symbols, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

On 10/26/2020 at 8:23 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Predictions:

  • 1 jog mon, wed, fri
  • 2 I will dust, vacuum, and change bedsheets this week
  • 3 I will chill on tue, wed, and sat
  • 4 I will deep work thu, and fri
  • 5 I will wake before 12pm on thu
  • 6 I will solve the unmet dependencies / file naming linux error this week
  • 1 and 2 are correct
  • 3: I also chilled on mon
  • 4: Yes. I solved a problem on thu but got stuck again on fri
  • 5: Woke at 5pm on thu
  • 6: Yes

Predictions for Nov Week 1:

  • I will write affirmations every morning
  • I will put my laptop away every night at 12 am
  • I will do deep work on mon, tue, thu and fri
  • I will chill on wed and sat

Experiment: Nightly declarations of sleep. Saying "I am going to sleep" out loud before going to bed makes it easier to fall asleep because declarations have power and are a subcategory of prayer.

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Sat Nov 7 2020
Found decades' old coke cans under parents' table leaking into the permanent carpet, into the wood, into the basement heater. My crazy horder parents are dumber than college freshmen. Beer pouring into the carpet or an old pizza under the bed is disgusting yet endearing for a kid living on his own for the first time - not so for two middle aged adults who have claimed to me, since the day I was born, that they were competent authority figures when they were not, and have never been anything but bumbling manchild and womanchild who got by on textbook memorization to pasts tests to begin their careers in a Boomer economy that allowed them to pass as seemingly functional human beings while being unable to run a house that is anything but a half-landfill, where coke cans can be forgotten under a table and left to rot near the vent for decades until metal slowly expands until it is just big enough that coke spills through the cans and comprimises the integrity of this house. And they wonder why the air inside feels stuffy.

They were too incompetent to feed the neighbors' goldfish for a week and they died. Too inept to run a house. Too inhumanly negligent to have raise me as I ought to have been raised.

I wrote before about how a the battle in my soul is waged between the slow-paced Saturn and the Energetic Shiva but I neglected to notice the god with the strongest influence on my family and I. Nurgle the Plaguebearer.

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Mom woke up for a midnight snack and I told her and she freaked out.

After her panic subsided, Mom and I made a plan to move the stockpiled food off the table and then to move the table and clean the carpet underneath.

Then, Mom precleaned the spilled area with bleach.

Redeemable?

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nov 2 day 51+30
intended to write fiction, organized files instead

nov 3
sleeping at 1am and waking up at 5am - unsustainable

nov 7
detected coke leak

nov 9
took bird pictures in the park

---

Analysis

After waking up at 8pm and going to sleep at 8am for a few days, I now sleep at 4pm and wake at 12am for a few days. This fits into a trend of not sleeping enough for one week and then sleeping more to compensate the next week. All my predictions were wrong except for chill on wed and sat because I neglected to notice the "week up, week down" trend that affects my productivity. Wherein I compare myself to the superproductive who are nowhere near my current level and push myself too hard.

My predictions for this week: What was supposed to be the dining table is now being used to store food in case of a second lockdown (even when the first lockdown continued with ample food production with a healthy supply chain). I predict that I will be able to move half of that food onto the shelves of old books no one reads anymore and junk that I wil have to move into boxes or throw away. Half the table will be cleaned by end of week, saturday.

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On 11/12/2020 at 3:56 AM, Bird By Bird said:

Wherein I compare myself to the superproductive who are nowhere near my current level and push myself too hard.

*glances nervously at super-schedule after a week of doing very little*

I'll be interested in seeing how you adjust now that you figured that out.

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Spent week cleaning shelves. Finding old toys in basement. Throwing away some, keeping others. Did Sudoku puzzles from a puzzle book until I fell asleep.

Sun 15 - Was playing some Wii game when I realized I accidentally relapsed BUT WAIT A MINUTE. I gave my Wii away to relatives years ago. How can I play on a Wii that I don't even have? Then I woke up.

It was just a dream. MY BRAIN TROLLED ME!!! REEEEE.

Cleaned storage room.

Mon 16 - I am addicted to webcomics and webtoons.

Tue 17 Day 66+30 - Spent 1 hour dismantling a broken pencil sharpener because I wanted to get the mechanism out to see if I can turn it by hand to sharpened by jumbo sized-pencil that I never use. It was at this point that I knew, that I was possessed by the cleaning mood. There was so many things I wanted to do this week, but instead spent most of my time cleaning the shelves, the basement and the storage room. After finding the 1.75ft tall Transformers Unicron toy in a garbagebag in my basement - the biggest toy I own, I realized that I had done enough - maybe even too much - cleaning

---

Analysis:
 

what time i woke up nov week 2 and 3.jpg

I procrastinate on morning writing by having up-to 4-hour long breakfasts. Didn't notice until I began writing things down.
My usual 2-7 evening schedule has been shuffle to the bottom of the deck because I nap instead.

I want to have more than enough energy to do morning writing and do evening activities.

So far it has either been one or the other

Stuck in negative feedback loop:
Bad sleep -> Tired Day -> Junk Food -> Bad Sleep

I have exceeded last week's prediction by moving everything off the dining room table onto shelves except for one item: the bamboo plants. I await my parents to make a space to move them to. I also cleaned under and around the table, cleaned by room and the basement. My parents expressed astonishment that I had the energy to do so much cleaning (that they were supposed to do for years) but it was easy to have the energy considering that I was possessed by the cleaning mood. While useful shot term, the cleaning mood distracted me from everything else I wanted to do. I would clean instead of write or read or career brainstorming or linux tinkering. It is amazing at how much dad hates change and cleaning. He turns into a one-man korean drama at the very thought of throwing away a three legged chair or a dusty old box. Understandable if he ever did like other men and tried to fix things, but he doesn't.

It's gotten colder and I have been inside since Wednesday. Unhealthy.

Put away computer 4 days in a row Sat to Tue. I tended to put computer away around 5pm-7pm or before dinner.

I barely read any books, apart from webcomic addiction and a few articles. This is fine because I spent most of my leisure time playing with lego, bionicles and transformers after bringing them out of the basement and cleaning them up. The one book I did read this week said it's good to take a break from consuming information and books and have self-created adventures, no matter how silly or juvenile.

While the abundance of plastic from all those toys is bad for my skin - I think the break from most books and having a constant stream of information - with no time to digest, implement or synthesize new information within personal information structures or replace old information, if incorrect, with new information - does make my head feel lighter. I plan to continue barely reading anything this week too before going back to heavier reading during the 4th or 5th week of November / 1st week of December.

For some reason grammarly chrome extension doesn't work with this forum's software and I don't know why.

Writing morning affirmations + inner critic responses + rebuttals to inner critic have improved my general welbeing.

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  • Bird By Bird changed the title to Bird By Bird Journal

Wed 18 to Sun 22 | Day 67 to 71 + 30

Possibly my most healthy week, if not my most productive. Put my computer away before midnight on every day - usually before 6pm. Slept a lot more. A LOT more.

Looked into Diaphragm Breathing and Wim Hof Breathing. Decided to practice basic Diaphragm exercises before going into more advanced stuff.

Wrote affirmations almost every day except Tuesday - noticed I was grumpy on that day because I skipped affirmations. Made a music playlist for writing affirmations to.

Barely went outside. Did a good ammount of cleaning, less then the overcleaning of last week.

This week I am starting my one week of no books or articles fast/abstaining. I'll probably cave and read webcomics. I predict that I will keep to the no reading books and articles fast but will probably read comics and some Game Quitters journal entries.

Still bogged by breakfast procrastination.

Watched a movie with parents on Saturday morning, might make this a regular occurrence or might not because I prefer more active activities.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday was day 80 + 30.

Put computer away before midnight every day last week except Saturday the 28th. I skipped morning affirmations that Saturday.
Wrote 4 times last week.
Went outside 2 times last week.

Fine tuning an easy system for my Toastmasters speaking club to decide which member will deliver what speech on what day. Booking people to give speeches 2 or more meetings in advance is way easier than a few days before as we've scrambled to do so before.

My one week reading fast was broken after reading a few packages from an erotic novel. I also read short articles and a lot of webcomics but that was expected. Otherwise my mostly successful no reading week went well. Caught up watching some old shows I meant to see a while back but didn't. Also found some old songs I liked and organized them into playlists.

The 7 books I ordered in the mail arrived and I'll read them soon.

Upgraded my Linux server. Apparantly I was supposed to get 10GB memory but they were only giving me 1GB - no wonder I kept running out of memory; if only I asked for help earlier. I still haven't found the right balance between figuring things out for myself and asking for help.

No relatives for the holidays means less Christmas shopping. Considering getting some relatives things for the holidays but they already have low expectations of me with all the advantages that entails. If I get them something during the pandemic, they might expect something mailed next year too. Decisions. Decisions.

The dining room table has finally been cleaned of old toys and random products and junk. Dad and I moved the table a few inches to the right so mom could finally clean the mold stain in the permanent carpet under the table leg that was hiding there for the past month. She's decided to spray bleach once a week until the stain goes away. I sure hope the table remains clean. Who knows, miracles can happen.

PS: No predictions this week.

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On 12/3/2020 at 7:26 PM, Lampshade said:

I'd love to read more about this when you have time. What are your plans, what can you do with it, etc. etc. Learning Linux has been on my list forever

Thanks for asking Lampshade. I want to host websites on my own server. 

It's harder than just paying someone else to host but I think learning how to do something by yourself builds character.

Right now, I'm experimenting with VPS Virtual Private Servers.

My progress has been slow but I've learned a lot just by running into walls and searching for the answers on forums and youtube.

---

Tue  1: Sent a bunch of emails to Toastmasters to book their next speeches with our club.
Wed 2: Discussed plan with mom to clean the rest of fireplace room. It took her a while to understand the concept of: a little bit of cleaning every week. She's used to doing things all at once and burning out. I was taught to act like that too. Past implications look more eldritch every time I look back.
Thu 3: Checked forums for problem with ghost blog sudo password that it never asked me to set but wants me to input anyways.
Fri 4: Realize I need to exercise to live a healthy life. Thought up an ABC rotation. A: Weight Lifting. B: Yoga. C Meditation. I might have an AC day followed by an BC day then a pure C day for rest. Decided to either exercise or meditate every day.

Sat 5: Read giant collections of books that was delivered. Fun stuff. Spooky stuff. From the Dialogical Genre where the author has a dialect with a supernatural being.

Added more categories to exercise rotation. A: Arms, Legs, Chest, Core. B: Yoga. C : Meditation. O: Go Outside.

Did AarmsCArmsO Saturday and AlegsCBO Sunday.

Considered Zoom DnD groups and Zoom improv groups.
Realized my life is full of old and that I want to try and experience new things.

Sun Dec 6: Tried out 4chan's /qst/ board. It's like DnD or Choose Your Own Adventure stories but played on an imageboard. Too slow paced to be addictive. Tried watching DnD streams and videos. Every single one of them bored me. Looked at some Zoom inprov classes and meetups but was too intimidated to sign up. Maybe I will do that later. 

Mon, Dec 7 (Day 86+30)
Did not eat enough today. Realized that I don't need the computer for anything except for zoom meetings, email and the linux websites I am experimenting with. 

I can exercise, play with toys, write stories, read books, eat, sleep, and meet new people offline. There are entire days when I could, theoretically be able to live without computer. This simple truth is, to me, mindblowing.

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Wow 86 days, you're almost there just 4 more days, you've got this! 

2 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

Realized that I don't need the computer for anything except for zoom meetings, email and the linux websites I am experimenting with. 

Yeah, this is something i need to start consciously understanding. Since our life has become pretty much screens besides gaming in this time, it's critical we know that we don't always have to use it. Time management is a big part of this i believe, especially in my case. Glad you realized this

Otherwise, keep it up!

Best

Jason  

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