Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Bird By Bird Journal


Recommended Posts

I'm not quite sure when I stopped. The memories are muddled for me and I don't want to remember. But, I'm sure it was sometime just before the middle of August. I hope to develop a morning habit of writing down what happened yesterday.

Day 1 + 30:

My novel's progress has been slow. 100 pages of summaries and re-writing summaries but little actual story written down. With video-games out of the picture, there are fewer distractions but I am still pecked at by the demons of web surfing for memes, porn, news and youtube.

I have been experimenting with various author techniques to facilitate better writing. A few weeks ago, I found Steven Pressfield's Clothesline method works well for me. Yesterday, I experimented with Hirohiko Araki's method of character creation.

Araki's character creation system is a two-page fictional resume that covers the upbringing and horoscopes of every character in a story. This convoluted character system aims to make sure each character has their own voice and they all sound different. I did not realize how many characters in my novel sound the same until I found Araki's method.

I used the character sheet on myself and found that I switch moods from casual to angry; especially when I'm hungry. I feel more emotional and sensitive, ever since I've stopped gaming.

Earlier this week, I finally managed to condense my prologue into 4 sentences and that made me happy.

I am taking things one step at a time. Bird by bird.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 2 + 30:

Yesterday, I read a few more chapters from Iron John by Robert Bly and managed to reach the last chapter. It's a heavy book whose contents are designed to bring up dark memories and confront the reader with the demons of his past.

Went for a jog.

Made beaver tails with naan bread, peanut butter, sunflower seeds and bananas

A few months ago, I felt a pull towards Shiva. The wild god. The mad ascetic. The lover who courts his beloved while dressed in ashes and a kilt made of snakes. This pull has dissipated somewhat and I now find myself drawn towards Saturn, the god of discipline and grief.

If you ride to Saturn's castle in a chariot, he will wait in the reeds by the roadside and stick out his scythe so your horses' legs get chopped. You must walk the rest of the way.

That was a synthesis between my rediscovered Saturnian attitude with Robert Frost's poem: The Draft Horse.

For us who have abandoned video-games and walk the path of reclamation (to reclaim the land of our lives from the ocean of addiction), our chariots were PCs, PS4s, Switches and iPhones. But Saturn is there with us. Cutting the cords with his scythe.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 3 + 30:

After procrastinating for hours, I came to this realization: I am procrastinating because a part of my story is wrong.

In my novel, a supervillain attack causes every building in the city to collapse. Every building except the one where the protagonist works ... because plot?!

I change the scene.

Now, the protagonist's building also collapses, but, the villain saves him at the last minute. The villain flies the protagonist to a farm across the lake. There, the villain tries to recruit the protagonist into his army.

Procrastination is one of our instincts. It tells us when the path we are taking needs adjustment.

The most popular advice for procrastination is to push through. Sometimes, that is exactly what we need. In other situations, that is the worse thing we could do. When procrastination blocks our way, it is up to each of us to analyze the context of our situation and decide what to do. Whether that is to push through(fire), to go around(water), to change a variable so that the problem no longer exists(metal), to rest and gather strength(earth), or to get help(wood).

What do you procrastinate on? What is your preferred way to overcome procrastination?

I want to live near a forest where I can hunt. I want to move out of my parents' and be free of their jittery, moody influence. I procrastinate on these because my parents' house gives me more time to write. Living by myself might mean more time spent working, cooking and cleaning. I have chosen the earth way, as my I-Ching divination advised me: to rest and gather strength. Video-Games sapped my strength and so they had to go. When the pandemic ends, I hope to have more than enough strength to forge my path of independence.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 4 + 30
My family is retarded.

Hey guys. Lets put 90-year-old grandpa through chemotherapy.
You can't be serious. That's retarded. 
But Bird, if he doesn't get blasted with painful radiation, he might die!!!
His wife died a decade ago, and all of his friends are dead. This is his time.
But Bird, this 90-year-old-man totally understands what he is getting into. We totally didn't coerce him into wanting to take this dangerous and painful operation.

1 week later:
"Oh my god! I can't believe he's throwing up! Who knew that radiation would do that to a 90-year-old man?!" said Father Flabbergasted.
"At least he gets to live longer now," said Uncle Dumbfuck.

Fast forward to today. Grandpa is 91. His life is suffering. His legs are "flooding". The doctor says he's going to die, again. He could have died happy last year but now, he has to die knowing that the world is suffering from Coronavirus.

He has relatives from every continent on earth except Antarctica and they will fight over whether to arrange the funeral during the pandemic, do a zoom funeral or do a funeral 2 years later.

Our addiction to technology is so extreme that my family attempted to cheat death for a 90-year-old man who had accomplished everything he wanted to or could accomplish in his near-century of life. Instead, they prolong his life by a year and create unnecessary pain and suffering. It is not only addiction that causes this suffering, but also, sentimentality. It is the demon of sentimentality who tempts with relapse, who tricks us into sacrificing our future for a shot of the past.
For centuries, my family has accepted the deaths of the elder generation with resignation and dignity - except for my parents' generation who desecrated our integrity by trying to Frankenstein together a few more years of life for grandpa with radiation blasts like the plot of a cheesy B-roll monster movie. Sentimentality turns us into caricatures of ourselves.
Possessed by a pervasive societal attitude where one must reply to that social media post, one must game, one must fire blasts of radiation at a dying old man ... the whole world has gone mad.

Remember in the 70s when the entire smoking world changed to anti-smoking overnight? Everyone was an addict. Everyone knew they were addicts. And everyone was in recovery. When is our moment? When will the world side with us? Game companies are weak compared to Big Tobacco. Random twitter mobs bully them into apologizing all the time.
I guess we'll have to wait for generation Z and generation alpha to grow up. The babies who are given iPads on the day they are born to shut them up. Wait for them to develop screen seizures or eye cancer or whatever new disease the devil has a-brewing. Then public opinion might change.
 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Man, I think getting out of your parents house (when you can) will be a great way to help you overcome old habits and build new ones. Changing your environment can be a great way to break from the past and establish a new way of being.

I hope you keep posting about your writing progress.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Adam. The last time I left my parents' house, my mental health improved and I became calmer. My laptop was not even that strong but I still played games on it and I was also addicted to reading books all the time. That took a lot of my time when I should have been meeting more people and forming more social relations instead. When I move out on my own, again, I hope that most of my addictions will be gone or under control, by then, and I will have healthy work-discipline and socialization habits to take their place.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 5 + 30:

Yesterday, I reviewed my dream journal. My significant anti-game dream happened on July 3rd. Yet even before that, I did not play any video games for two weeks. This means I'm way past 30 days free. I will still be adding only a + 30 to my day count to not complicate things.

Two weeks before my July 3rd dream, I argued with a streamer. He believed his video game accomplishments were significant. I did not. After our argument, I experienced revulsions and dry heaving against video games that continue to this day. The catalyst for that argument was this Joe Rogan soundbite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_SkUqOVP-0

I heard what Joe Rogan said. Agreed. And continued playing games. I expected the usual amount of faux clickbait outrage and ironic parody outrage but what surprised me was people seemed genuinely mad. These are people who had no monetary incentive to fake their outrage and were not trying to be funny either.

I saw people who criticized others who use Whataboutism arguments, themselves use Whataboutism to defend games. "What about social media?" "What about drugs?" "What about Joe Rogan changing his perspective to match the person he's interviewing?" I was shocked that people would be offended by such mild statements and stoop to defend it. It felt disgusting. These are people who laugh at everybody else but then get super serious when someone laughs at them.

I thought everyone saw gaming as a useless hobby. There are so many "gamers are losers" jokes among gaming circles that I was surprised that this was not the dominant view. Maybe it is for society in general but it certainly was not for the majority of gamers themselves. This perplexity compelled me into that argument with the streamer. The argument kickstarted my revulsions and dry heaving towards games that forced me to abstain. The abstention led to my dream about the old woman who no longer wants to play video games ever again and that dream solidified a hard commitment to me ditching games.

I'll end this journal entry with a joke:

Kid's addicted to video games. Goes to a Psych.

The psych tells him to throw away all his video games.

A week later, the psych gets an angry call from the kid's mother.

“Do you know how much money those games and electronics cost that you encouraged him to throw away? Do you?!”

Psych tells the mother that her kid was addicted to video games. That he asked for help.

“Yeah, but now he wants to go outside and play! He wants to go to the playground and play basketball! God knows what could happen to him outside!”

- adapted from Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids - and How to Break the Trance by Nicholas Kardaras

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/15/2020 at 12:25 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Yesterday, I read a few more chapters from Iron John by Robert Bly and managed to reach the last chapter. It's a heavy book whose contents are designed to bring up dark memories and confront the reader with the demons of his past.

I got this book from my older brother and I suppose it might be a good one for me to get through next, as I am almost done with "The Art of Loving".

On 9/17/2020 at 1:30 PM, Bird By Bird said:

Possessed by a pervasive societal attitude where one must reply to that social media post, one must game, one must fire blasts of radiation at a dying old man ... the whole world has gone mad.

I guess it goes along with the contemporary idea that more/longer/faster is always better, but that's not always the case, as Manson described here. It has a lot to do with how active one is overall and my grandma is a testament to that. We can definitely find 90 year-olds with the energy of a teenager and a teenager with the energy of a 90 year-old. I hope your grandpa finds his peace.

2 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

“Yeah, but now he wants to go outside and play! He wants to go to the playground and play basketball! God knows what could happen to him outside!”

I'd argue nothing worse than what could happen to him inside 🙂 Good luck moving out from your parents!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 6 + 30

Two old habits I stopped doing that I want to re-establish

  • affirmations
  • backup

One current habit I'm that building on to make it a permanent reality:

  • Walking outdoors every second day.

One new habit I want to experiment with:

  • jitterbug

Affirmations

I used to write affirmations 15 times a day on a sheet of paper. I want to re-establish affirmations as a vocal practice to save my hand energy for my piano. Inspiration strikes while playing the piano: Showaffirmations. I will recite my positive affirmations while in the shower. It's so ridiculous you can't help but laugh and be in a positive mood. I'm experimenting with affirmations every time I shower.

Backup

Boxes of papers are piled under my table desk. These include unfinished stories, journal entries and artwork that date back up to ten years or longer. I want to take photos of them with my phone, store them on my computer, USB and the cloud. Every morning, I would grab a bunch of papers from under my desk, scan them into my phone. Every month I would back up my phone contents to my USB and the cloud. Every morning, I aim to grab a few pieces of paper and scan them.

Walking

For the past week, I have been walking in the morning, every second day. Yesterday, I wanted to walk to the pond. I walked half-way there but ran out of energy and went back. I have something to look forward to now. I will build up my stamina so I can walk to the pond.

Jitterbug

I spend way too long on the computer. I aim to break up my computer usage with piano, drawing, cooking and walking. All of these activities to be performed away from my laptop. This is a liquid schedule. Activities flow as the body dictates. Signs to step away from the computer include sore muscles, hunger, a desire to stretch, itchy eyes and restlessness. The piano book (long-ass title by Bill Hilton) I'm reading recommends 15min jamming sessions being superior to playing an hour a day. So I will do computer and writing and sparse those up with piano breaks, food breaks, and naps.

Jamming with some pieces from mutopia https://www.mutopiaproject.org/cgibin/make-table.cgi?Instrument=Piano

This makes two daily habits and two habits done every second day.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I no longer use Evernote or Evernote-related products because of the many times my documents have disappeared or reverted to a previous state. Their many controversies have driven people to create competing products and open-sourced versions of Evernote. I use HelpNDoc6 for writing, usb as hard storage and Cloudamo for cloud backup. Evernote also takes way too long to open as opposed to grammarly or Notepad++ or a pen and piece of paper for when I want to quick write ideas.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

I no longer use Evernote or Evernote-related products because of the many times my documents have disappeared or reverted to a previous state. Their many controversies have driven people to create competing products and open-sourced versions of Evernote. I use HelpNDoc6 for writing, usb as hard storage and Cloudamo for cloud backup. Evernote also takes way too long to open as opposed to grammarly or Notepad++ or a pen and piece of paper for when I want to quick write ideas.

I've lost so much data due to this it makes me really sad. I abandoned cloud software as a result and do everything offline.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 7 + 30

I read a bunch of fairy tales on the University of Pittsburg's website https://www.pitt.edu/~dash/folktexts.html#m. This inspired me to write 3 short stories and several half-finished story blurbs. After I edit them in a few days,  I'll publish them under a pen name.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 8 + 30

Got wall list: giant to-do list on my bedroom wall made with cut up paper squares and painter's tape. Feels good to rip one of those papers up. Did this during college but forgot about it until I listened to episode 4 of the game quitters podcast. I have it on one side of my folding closet so I can slide it out of the way if I don't want my parents to see it when I leave the room, or I want to chill and not look at it anymore.

“Women in their early twenties come into my office with heightened pigmentation. When I look into the waiting room, they’re all sat staring at their screens.

Netflix face. Human skin is not evolved to tolerate constant bombardment daily of this weird HEV blue light for most of the day, every day. The screens are literally sucking our souls. If people told me that Video games, tv and social media and screens would make me UGLY and OLD, I would be much less inclined to use them. These must be PSAs targeted towards young people who care even more about their appearance. Entire family, myself included, spend most of our time face-to-screen. I am reducing my video consumption and increasing podcast and audiobook consumption.

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/gallery/what-is-netflix-face

https://web.archive.org/web/20190104013102/https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/gallery/what-is-netflix-face

When I was part of the backpacking scene, we had a superstition: never visit the same place twice because the second time will never live up to the first. You will never get that magical feeling again, it was a one time thing and then its gone The only exception is if you visit much later with a spouse and children. Same with video games. Those virtual places we've been, the games we've played; those moments are over.  By going back to a place in order to chase that high you got in the past, you blaspheme it and dishonor yourself.

I remember trying to stop gaming when I was a teen and throughout the years tried to quit gaming or only play mobile games or only pc games and no consoles and it fluctuated and in turmoil.

Wondered why I have more inspiration for short stories and less for my big story. Realized it was because I was reading more short stories and fewer big stories during the past few days. What you read is fuel for what you write. I now want to implement a plan of deliberate reading based on the output I want to write.

Positive side effect: unintentionally developed a habit of napping after lunch. I wanted to develop this habit for a while but never could before, and now that I barely give it thought it is something that I am compelled to do.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 9 + 30

If I had Elon Musk money. I would do a 90s style PSA:

Manly voice says: "Light from electronic screens damaging our skin"

Cut to beauticean: "Makes us look uglier, [zoom cut] and older."

Cut to optometrist: "Cancer...[hard cut] in the eyes!!!"

Cut to eye cancer surgery operation closeup. Tube enters eye cornea and buzzsaw sound effect plays loudly with giant text at bottom saying REAL FOOTAGE.

"Watch full documentary here or click on ad to know more."

 

Experimenting with my: "reading input fuels writing output" strategy, I research ancient spies. Most spy novels are about

  • the cold war or pseudo-cold war scenarios
  • post 9-11 terrorist organizations
  • the Great Game of Britain versus Russia
  • USA versus China with corporate espionage. 

Researching Ancient Roman and Vedic-era Indian spies will give my writing a different perspective.  I spent time studying Hannibal's spying methods and took notes and updated character sheets according to inspiration then read Boy's Adrift by Leonard Sax and my entire day was over (besides cooking and some piano). No hard writing, only soft details writing, no hard writing that is the actual meat of the story. Will this take another graduality that bursts into a miracle like my most recent dreams where my soul declared herself and I against video games? If all that energy that was stolen from me ever came back - it would be like the sun touched the surface of the earth. I want my energy back.

Boys Adrift taught me that laziness and obsessive drive (overworking) are symptoms of the same problem: the failure to develop a grounded healthy sense of self.

I also want to one day implement grooming habits for my hair and my nails but I just can't seem to give a shit right now - and that's okay. I mean, limiting HEV Light exposure from screens means I care a little.

Spoilers below of video game cravings, excessive descriptions:

Spoiler

Studying Hannibal and Carthage gave me the urge to play fire emblem until I remembered how tedious Fire Emblem was.

Games like Bloodborne and Doom fulfilled a Nietzchian Will to Power drive

I am missing the element of competition from my life

My favourite moment from the game Dark Souls 3 was not discovering new areas, most were ugly, or beating any bosses, most were tedious, but of invading another player's world in my Man in The Iron Mask's mask and my spiked club and my entire body was glowing blood red and getting that noob trapped against the wall and releasing a ridiculous combo where your character in full medieval armour spins like a fucking ballerina of spikes and death. I felt like Jason Vorhees, full metal swan princess. My second most favourite memory is the same getup, me spawning near a noob who was just running out of the starting area and then me trapping him against the wall and spinning him to death.

Competition was what addicted me to Smogon's pokemon showdown.

All these psychopaths victim-blaming, saying that you are responsible for your decisions when we know the smartest people working for the richest companies devote all of their manpower to get people addicted to the screens: to watching videos, playing games and social media.

I survive despite my environment. I feel the weeds that break through the road, who reclaim seemingly concrete carved neural path roads back into the wilderness of my self-dom.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 10 + 30
Ran Toastmasters meeting as the Toastmaster.

Thought about living independent from my parents.What community would I want to join. Where would I want to move to or live. Some people move across the country. I prefer hobby-clubs over bar scenes or sports clubs. The hunting and makerspace hobby-clubs I joined had almost no one my age. Climbing maybe, but it could be expensive. My writing and productivity club was useful.
Fitness center with yoga classes and other classes and activites to socialize would be my ideal but expensive. I should have joined some pick up and play games in my old college but I wasn't ready or aware it would benefit me at the time.

To reduce HEV light, I have text-to-speech read me posts and ebooks instead of reading them myself. Healthier. I'm listening to my old podcasts again, the ones I only listened to when I was operating machines or driving to work.

It's amazing how many good books I hate. My palate cannot stand certain strains of masturbatory prose that drones on and on. Yet, House of Leaves has masturbatory prose and I like it, I think the chocolate coating of horror makes the whole thing more digestible. Sometimes I read the classics and they tasted expired. There's a good reason why countries in Japan have a large book market for adolescent boys and young adult men, whereas the States only has a market for women and girls, and boys are ignored. I blame teachers for banning violent books and pornographic books from the libraries and only keeping the pornographic books that titillate themselves (Twilight, 50 shades) and girls while throwing away the ones who appeal to guys. Funny I say that because the public library near my old place that was right beside a high school has all kinds of softcore comics and manga right besides the young adult section that I myself would consider too pornographic for such a place but I guess the librarians are catching on. Anything for the sake of increasing literacy.

Looking for a spy novel about infiltrating the enemy and learning their point of view and how they see the world in order to better fight against them. A lot of spy books are about action heroes or detective work, or boring. This leads me in the direction of non-fiction.

Noticing muscle soreness on right ankle, will do stretches.

I'm moving out Spring 2021 or earlier. 55 year old bitch screaming at her 80 year old mother for putting clothes in the wrong basket or putting her papers in the wrong basket or some other bullshit, once or twice every day and doing the same to dad and I. Then she spends an hour every day praying to God. What good does that do bitch? You're going to hell. And 10 minutes after that insanity, bitch acts all chirpy and happy like nothing ever happened. This would never be allowed 100 years ago when we lived 5 generations of relatives in a giant house; they would have driven her out into the street.

Edited by Bird By Bird
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry what's happening at home, that is terrible. Glad you're moving out soon though. Also I agree with you about books, everyone is throwing away the "too violent" or "too sexual" books. I am seeing that in my school library, we have books with barely anything young adult, even though those books are considered young adult. The best I can get is at Barnes and Noble near me or off Amazon. I think it's due to the fact that in this day in age, there is a lot of sensitivity and also the fact that schools should live up to a school standard of "not having inappropriate material." Which is silly in my opinion because I have heard that in mostly every US school students smoke and swear and say slurs and mess up places and shit, and the schools don't care. On top of that in my school for english classes, we read books with all the swears and pornographic stuff, yet it's not in the library. There should be more of a market for boys here I agree. Try Amazon or a Barnes and Noble, that's where I was able to get some of my more mature books. I wish you luck on that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 10 + 30 - update
The answer to my earlier rant is HEAVY DUTY EARMUFFS.

Problem: I spend too long on game quitters.
Deep Learning by Cal Niewport taught me that every time you switch tasks, you become less productive and more cursed.
Using internet at night disrupts sleep schedule.
Hypothesis: Batch Journals / Binge Journals will increase my productivity.
Experiment: Write daily journal at night my hand, binge publish them on Tuesday. Tuesday is the day I check my emails and attend my Toastmaster zoom meeting
so I might as well do all my internet stuff on tuesdays. I have gone full circle and have become Netflix.
Analysis: TBD

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

SEPTEMBER 2020 WEEK 4 BINGE JOURNAL

Wed 23: Day 11+30

  • Began reading Deep Learning by Cal Niewport. Reached Ch3.
  • put sign on door for times when I am 'open' and 'closed'

Hypothesis: Earmuffs + nature sounds through speakers energize deep focus

+ side effect: earmuffs help me hear my heartbeat if I am agitated.

wrote a the introductory blurb for a short story

Thu 24

continued short story

earmuff + ambient noise system working well

Spoke to social worker about options to help mom and grandma.

I aim to summarize Deep Learning book into 1 page (500 words) cheat sheet by end of week

Deep Learning (+) side effect: I can now read Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian without being distracted.

Fri 25

Writing attention dithering.

Hypothesis: Narow focus on a specific 'beat' of story instead of the entire chapter. This prevents jumping around and trying to write everything at the same time.

Analysis: Deep work period from 2pm-7pm is more efficient than my other deep work period from 6am-10am.

Cam on podcast says 3 replacements for games.

  • my social: Toastmasters
  • my intense: Writing
  • my chill: Podcasts, Reading

None of these replacement activites satisfy my physical needs.

Finished summarizing Deep Work in 1 page for 495 words. Used a lot of abbreviations and made-up terms.

Sat 26

I walked to the pond today. FINALLY. I took me 1 hour but I did it. Saw ducks, geese, castle across the lake and painters.

(-)Habit: Web surf binge at night

Improved Wall To-Do List by putting a checkmark on Each week that I clear all To-Do's of that week.

Deleted 1 beat in my main novel that no longer needed to be there.

Video Game Descriptions:

Spoiler

Remembered that I once played a Pokemon fan-game for 48 hours straight. No sleeping, no eating, only pausing to use the bathroom. The fangame offered a challenge within the Pokemon combat system that did not exist in the easier official games. I also played a Yu-Gi-Oh simulator for 36 hours.

The gamer test told me that I am 73% killer and 67% achiever. I always loved completing a game 100% but would quit that if I got bored or felt like playing something else.

I was addicted to Smogon's pokemon showdown because of the pvp.

In games where the PvP ceiling was hard to break into, I would be more content being in the berserker flow of killing tough enemies and mobs. There is no real life situation where 1 guy can fight 30 guys at the same time or take down guys with guns like in the Batman Arkham games.

I took another game test that said I was an achiever because I crave sensation seeking while I didn't give a shit about immersion or character customization and though I did have a desire to escape, I was aware of that and it was not all compulsive as much as experiencing the sensation of taking down an army single-handedly - something you can only do IRL with a drone strike and that's impersonal.

Sun 27

Began work on Toastmaster speech. Moved furniture in room to better accomodate a Toastmaster speech while standing up.

Deep Work is sometimes disturbed by my compulsion to web surf. I break out of these compulsions an hour later and get back to Deep Work.

Mon 28: Day 16 + 30

Mom has significant dream about eating with us at a fancy restaurant, surrounded by other fancy diners and patrons.

We all have plates in front of us except for her. She asks: "Where is my plate?"

I tell her the dream is about her relationship with us but she insists that it is about the coronavirus.

Introspection is a quality I inherited from my father. My mother is incapable of this and is not ready. She is not ready to know the horific implications of such a dream. "Where is my plate?" could mean "Where is my reward?" and the implied silence meaning "you don't deserve a reward unlike the others." She is ignorant of the wickness of her own soul. Dad, grandma and I are aware of the darkness that is inherant in ours, and all of humanity's. The implication that she may not attain salvation and the warning of such a dream is lost to her, and will continue to be unless some miracle occur but a positive sign is that she is receptive to such a dream which means her unconscious can still needle her in the right direction.

Weekly analysis

Wall list works great.

Deep Work is great. Better in the afternoon than in the morning.

Walking every second day habit is being maintained, limit walks to shorter time to rest body.

Web surfing compulsions is a challenge that prevents me from achieving my full potential.

Parents respect my schedule. Schedule calms me down as I know what to do for each day.

Planning every night what I will do tommorow is natural as I do my nightly journaling.

Limiting email use to Tuesday only, and including a polite message about internet addiction in the signature of said email, is, I hypothesize, to increase my productivity.

Sep Week 5 / Oct Week 1 To Do

  • give Toastmasters Speech
  • change bedsheets
  • clean
    • hallway
    • room
    • email
  • scan and backup work
  • delete old social media
  • Deep Dive: Hair and Skin problems
  • 1 page/500 words cheat sheet
    • Early Retirement Extreme
    • Mr Money Mustache Blog
  • Novel Chapter 1 Draft complete
Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

SEP 2020 WEEK 5 / OCT 2020 WEEK 1 BINGE JOURNAL

Tue 29 Day 17 + 30

Did Toastmasters Speech. Beginning good, middle dragged, fumbled end. Overall good.

Wed 30

Unpacked giant box of my things that was blocking hallway for 5 months. Cleaned room.

Noticed negative trend: websurf from 12-2am. Dad and Mom do this too. I have been sleeping until 10AM to avoid morning writing.

Oct

Thu 1

Fridge at 100% capacity. Toilet paper mountain has fallen down. Mom refuses to admit shopping addiction. Covid hoarding.

Catalgoued health problems. Hypothesis that most of them are caused by too much sugar. I am experimenting with less bread, more corn and crackers. Let's see what happens. Replaced by plastic mouthwash cup with a metal cup.

Setup wall calendar for Seinfeld's Big Red X-chain method. Every time I write my main story, I add an X to the calendar. I begin my streak today, Oct 1.

Fri 2

What we do with gamequitters journals is biographical work necessary to escape the trajectory of addiction.

To quit games is one step closer to a total commitment to the real world.

The real world is much harder than the addict world - much harder than the game world.

-paraphrasing Maturing Out of Addiction by Engel Prins

Began reading Conan the Barbarian. Gives me shivers.

Sat 3

Failed to finish Chapter 1 draft by end of week. Wrote other pieces of disjointed fiction instead. I lacked discipline and skill to organize my disjointed prose into a scene. My median concentration is 2 hours, after which, I am distracted or take a break. When you focus on a task with no distractions, you are intensely confronted by your own lack of skill - my own lack of skill. While I do acknowledge the skill I have, long have I been blind to the skills I could have, and have yet to learn.The learning process is an uncomfortable embracement.

Began reading Make a Scene by Rosenfeld.

Downloaded and listened to Lovecraft audiobook recordings from librivox.org.

Sun 4

Games made us weak. Losing IRL leaves a permanent mark and it is that possibility of losing that we want to avoid. No reset button, no new save file. All my life I have avoided any activity that I cannot reset.

I contemplate memorizing my 500 word summaries of useful books I've read. Socrates says books decrease memory while oral recitation increases and maintains it. No point in reading if I just forget it all. I practice orally reciting passages from books I've read to the best of my ability, from time to time. Appalling how little I remember.

After long unproductive hours, I closed my laptop and meditated. I suffer from web surfing withdrawals. I aim to make monday my weekly meditation day.

Mon 5

Blocked Reddit from my computer using leechblock, forever.

Opposite of addiction is [social] connection. - Jo Hari. Porn severed some connection I had with girls. Some time earlier, I removed the SIM from my phone. Don't want people interrupting my writing time and Do Not Disturb mode is unreliable. I'll check my messages every Tuesday.

Began wearing a smartwatch that looks analog. A symbol to focus me during deep dives.

My meditation is plagued by compulses to masturbate, to sleep, to use the computer and to write.

I notice things on my body. The itchyness of the underside of my middle finger, the dryness of my hair, the inbetween my toes - wet with sweat. My body is contorting me in weird positions. This must be how Yoga was invented.

Looked up Old Timey Radio programs on archive.org They might help me with Toastmasters and Podcasting.

Tue 6 Day 24 + 30

Brave web browser no long worked. After 10 hours of cursing, I downloaded Brave Beta and transfered all my bookmarks from regular Brave. Beta works. I think trying to download a fuckton of Old Timey Radio might have cursed regular Brave to death, even when I deleted and re-downloaded it.

Brainstormed a Slice of Life serial about an ex-gaming addict, living without games.

Edited by Bird By Bird
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Weekly Review

Wrote 3 times for main story last week: Oct 1, 2, and 3. Did not write Sunday or Monday. Wrote Tuesday morning after binge reading Story Structure Architect all night. Melodrama hightens during the weekends and Monday.

Oct Week 2 To-Do

  • Setup writing website
  • Edit 3 of my short stories
  • Finish Chapter 1 draft of novel

delegate other tasks to next week

Edited by Bird By Bird
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wed 7 Day 25+ 30

Looked up website builders.

Read how author of Conan killed himself. Don't feel like reading Conan anymore.

Thu 8

Read White by Ellis. He says [paraphrase] that artists will disapoint you and morality is bullshit so just focus on the aesthetics. I've returned to reading Conan again.

Fri 9

Trend of waking at noon. Ameliorate by sunbathing more. Only use small lamp (not big room light) after 7pm.

Draw blue circle on calendar on every day I jog.

I remembered Memory Palace system and revisited it.

Remembered limiting belief: cannot have friends if no job or school.

Sat 10

Giant Wall To-Do List works great. I can move any tasks not completed this week to one of the following weeks. Easy, simple, stress-free. Re-arranged next week's schedule to prioritize Website with Toastmasters as secondary objective and everything else down below. Organized notes in 3D space: 1D: left + right, 2D: up + down, 3D: overlapping on top of each other.

Website Builders suck. Decided to use Ghost Blog.

Finished writing Toastmasters speech.

Sun 11

Choose and bought Domain Name.

Remembered how dad and mom seperated me from other children and gave me weird beliefs about girls. I look at what used to be the dining room: Hell is opened amazon boxes piled on top of each other, forever. There must be insect collonies living under those boxes.

Social media is addictive and decreases productivity at work. Companies lose money because their workers are constantly checking social media. Students do worse in school because of social media. [We are here] Companies and parents lobby governments to put regulations on social media to curb addictive systems like notifications, recommended feeds, and infinite scrolling. Governments restrict social media. Employees and students become more productive. Companies make more money. Companies invest more money into lobbying for healthy social media restrictions.

I deleted LinkedIn. I don't care if Dumbfuck from Bumfuck just got a promotion or RecruiterBot 5000 wants to add me and spam me. Social Media, fuck you.

As I read other journals, it feels like many of us see our lives as a Melodrama. I want God to switch the genre of my life to Slice-of-Life. A genre that is calm and drama-free.

Mon 12 Day 30+30

Tinkered with Ghost blog.

Tue 13 2am

Do I eat dinner slowly and web surf at night to avoid writing in the morning? Is this my Play-Self's rebellion against my Work-Self?

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Bird By Bird changed the title to Bird By Bird Journal

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.