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Xgamer

The Marvelous Misadventures

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10 hours ago, Xgamer said:

want to play and that I can`t,

And this is, what I think, triggers relapses. That is why smokers for instance crave a cigarette. Not even, because they like the smoke or taste of the cigarette. Even though they completely hate it now, they just what this emptiness and the negative cravings to go away. So they relapse. Which means one thing: Focussing on those cravings and on the possibility of craving and noting being "allowed" to do something, is not a good idea. So what is a good idea?

10 hours ago, Xgamer said:

What do I want to be? Where do I want to end up?

I think it is crucial to have plans. Having a couple of things that fulfill you and give you power can create enough momentum that not gaming becomes easy. A little inspiration:

What can be useful for every person, regardless of the personality: Eating healthy, exercising, enough sleep, morning routine a clean room -> a healthy person taking care of him/herself

I pretty much did that stuff, before I quit gaming. Almost one year before, I changed my diet drastically. This created enough momentum, so that one year later, I also become an industrious person and I was so busy that at some point, I was not gaming for 2 weeks, without even noticing. So than I also quit that and deinstalled everything gaming related. Has been easy for me ever since.

Now I also try to use this for even more areas of my life, like my social life for instance.

Therefore, it is good to answer those questions for yourself and use that as a direction. Not the negative like I can't, but the positive I want. That can be a gamechanger.

10 hours ago, Xgamer said:

I have chosen to become a more sensible person

Can you elaborate that? Maybe you have already done, what I meant on top, but I just did not understand it properly.

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Day17?

I feel rather listless

Those three days I have been persuading myself to make a step in my day performance. It led to nothing but frustration, really. Let me elaborate

Lying in bed, knowing that from early morning I am going to wake up and go through my humdrum routine, just to return wound up late in the evening to catch my breath. 


First of all, I have been ruminating on why I didn`t become anxious nor depressed when I had dropped my morning exercise habit. Or my habit of waking up early! Or that I don`t do parkour anymore, although I fancy it. I feel guilty to admit it, but I feel fine without all of these things, however, once precious and inseparable. And once I had to quit gaming a hefty burden of grief struck me like a lightning. Why do I care about gaming so much? No shit, I was slaughtering this lamb of my time like crazy with video games, although I have spent much time doing sport, being active, coding, playing guitar. I dropped it like it was nothing and I felt nothing, utterly nothing. 

What I`m trying to say is that I feel regret about not doing unproductive things, not the opposite. Once, while on my way back home, I have come to a conclusion that if I was given the chance to live my childhood again I would hardly alter it! The only difference would be that I `d choose a certain amount of games from the start and get good at them! What is wrong with me? What do I care about insignificant? 

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On 2/27/2020 at 12:03 AM, Xgamer said:

that I feel regret about not doing unproductive things

Why do you feel regret about not doing that?

 

On 2/27/2020 at 12:03 AM, Xgamer said:

given the chance to live my childhood again I would hardly alter it!

Maybe that is actually a good thing. I feel that if I could do it again, I would change basically everything. I am not sure, which one is better.

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16 minutes ago, Xgamer said:

What really gets me down is that other people have social nets, videogames, spirits, friends and etc. to unwind. 

I feel guilt when doing all of this. The only option I have is to sleep. Yes, every time I want to chill I just head straight to bed. 

Every other thing others point out like hitting the gym,  socializing, reading, learning, all of these activities drain my will power, my energy. Fricking everything requires an effort.

 

Never learned how to work out in the gym. I need a competitive game element to physical exercise.

This is how my football life started when I was 14. My neighbour brought out a ball and bounced it against his wall. I joined in and we kicked it in turns. The rule was not to let the ball get away. The thing got crazy addictive. We would play for hours while talking on different subjects. It was great fun. All the learning bits were fun and sometimes the competition element got me nervous.

 

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Ok, I do understand, what you mean with instant gratification. It is just fun to do, whatever you want. Just straight up enjoy this stuff. I did this pretty much for 20 years. 

On 2/28/2020 at 9:19 PM, Xgamer said:

feel guilt when doing all of this.

For me it was not only guilt, but even worse stuff. At some point, I really considered myself to be a lazy fuck. I seriously hated myself, I called myself pig in front of the mirror. I don't know, what I feel when thinking back regarding that. Just guilt? Anger? Hate? Disgust? A little bit of everything maybe.

 

On 2/28/2020 at 9:19 PM, Xgamer said:

chill mindlessly browsing nets, watching streams or videos without a burning feeling of guilt?

 I do that as well here and then. Just yesterday I watched a funny animal news bloopers compilation. I died of laughter. What should be wrong with that? Why feel guilt regarding that? For me the problem was that I felt at some point that I felt being controlled by it. By everything: Sweets, fastfood, gaming, porn, binge watching, binge eating, social anxiety, procrastination, self violation, negativity. The feeling, when you buy around 8 croissants for like 2 Euros and then all the sudden, you just eat them all at once. Or when you buy a big glass of Nutella you just can't stop yourself and eat the whole fricking glass empty. Or you order two big pizzas. Before, I always knew, how I would feel afterwards, but then I did it anyway, without control. And I would feel miserable. The same with gaming. When I would sit there in the chair at 3 in the morning, my back completely in pain, me tired as fuck, but I am just not able to stop. At the same time you see, how every other area of your life goes down to shit. Like when I would play dead by daylight for  8 hours one day before an exam and I knew that I would still have to learn for it. But then I did not do that and would get a bad grade.

On 2/28/2020 at 9:19 PM, Xgamer said:

based on instant gratification, well it is a big shift from now on

That is exactely my life. I know it still is. The moment I start eating candy again, I will be in the loop again. The moment I will start to game again, I will not be able to resist. This shadow is still haunting me, but now, I am in control for the majority of time. What makes these new habits so cool, is that these decisions are not based on something, I have to do, but something, I consciously decide to do. Sure, sometimes I am tired, sometimes things are hard, sometimes youtube distracts me. But most people get distracted here and then or like to watch some netflix. Not a big deal. Some days, you just need to relax get some downtime, maybe watch a series or eat some crap. We are human beings. But now I feel like I am in control. Just thinking about that makes me realize that I have not hit myself in the stomach for months now. Just in this moment of writing I do realize that. Never really thought about it.

On 2/28/2020 at 9:19 PM, Xgamer said:

i even hate writing that 

There are so many things, which I hate. And in general, I try to be a nice person. But I also have my hateful moments, especially when thinking about the past (bullying etc.). But I recently asked you, what you want in your life? Who you want to be? I asked, because this was like 50 percent, which created momentum for me. I hated myself so much that I verbally and physically hurt myself and I also wanted to become ripped desperately. Like really desperately. I felt that if I am not able to even to this one thing and if I don't achieve that, what is the point of even living? It kinda became my only real passion next to gaming. This is what it started with. Gaming, I quit like 11 months later. Maybe you should find out, what an important goal of yours is. Something important. And something that seems doable to start with. For me it was diet. For @Amphibian220 something like football seemed to be a passion. For other people it might be to go to a charity. For other people it start with making their bed or cleaning the room. I don't know. I have no idea, what other people want or need. But I know that it is worth to find out in this life, what you want to do and what makes you so miserable that you don't want it in your life anymore. 

Edited by Alexanderle
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Thank you, @Alexanderle, @Amphibian220 for sticking around, really

I know my behaviour is to be frowned upon. We all have to cope with difficulties and be assertive with what we want

@Alexanderle,how did you manage to view my post even though I had edited it? Anyway, if there was anything that I genuinely wanted to appreciate that it would be your support right here. It takes a good amount of time to come with such a thought-provoking, heart-warming reply. I appreciate it. And yeah, dbd sucks big time. T-bagging, trolls and perpetual suffering. 
 

I think I will start to log daily from now on because my craving is bigger than ever. I just want to see whether I can last this week.  I plead guilty to checking out what was up with my fav game. It all was going downhill, really. Remember I mentioned that hardly ever 50 people played it at best times and there was only one populated server? Well, the host of the server is resigning because he is sick and tired of toxicity within the game. People there just moved to another server, without rules, that 100% indicates that this is a no-no for me, if I don`t want to scream and get butthurt each time I play.

So, yeah, day 20? 70 more to go.

Edited by Xgamer

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Those questions

About life goal and what I want from it. I still can`t answer that

All that crosses my mind is a bunch of stock phrases. Can`t help it.

I have been mulling over the idea of starting gamedev. Like, this game, the one after which I quit? The concept is brilliant, but the dev is too blind to see it! But isn`t it a deceit just to... Feels like a friendzone :D I can`t have it, but I want to be around

Like, I am fond of IT. And design. And plot-making. Why don`t I just take a shot? 

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2 hours ago, Xgamer said:

Those questions

About life goal and what I want from it. I still can`t answer that

All that crosses my mind is a bunch of stock phrases. Can`t help it.

I have been mulling over the idea of starting gamedev. Like, this game, the one after which I quit? The concept is brilliant, but the dev is too blind to see it! But isn`t it a deceit just to... Feels like a friendzone 😄 I can`t have it, but I want to be around

Like, I am fond of IT. And design. And plot-making. Why don`t I just take a shot? 

I wouldn't focus on finding a life goal. Life is long and your interpretation of its meaning will change over those long years. 

Focus on new activities to try and just see how you enjoy them. Take a certificate program for IT and see if that's something you enjoy. You'll get a certificate out of it and might get employment or empowerment to study it in college if you haven't already (I haven't read your full diary).

Write a little story or something in your spare time. If you haven't done so already,  @ElectroNugget works in IT and could answer some of your questions about the career. 

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@Xgamer I am glad to hear back from you. And about why I would see your response despite changes: I was reading it before and you were changing it, once I almost completed my response. xD

Regarding the life goal, I agree and disagree at the same time with @BooksandTrees: I think that life goals can be very valuable. But what is a life goal? I don't necessarily think about them like: What is your mission on earth or like what are you destined to do? LIfe goals can be anything: Maybe you want to travel more, you want to go to Australia, Mexico or Paris. Maybe you want a sixpack, a good relationship and some really good friends. Maybe you want to learn new programming languages, being able to draw and what not. Even just a goal that I always aim to try to take care of myself, like i would take care of a person, I love - I also consider that a life goal. Overall, in my opinion, there are just 3 rules to consider with life goals:

1. They should be fun to you and give you a good feeling. This can sometimes be tricky, since especially we as ex gamers are prone to short term gratification. For instance, I don't always feel like working out. Sometimes, it is just tough to start. But once I start and once I am finished, I feel sooooo good. Way better than I ever did with gaming. No question!

2. They should not be something negative like "I don't want to game anymore". Or: "No more candy for me". I never eat candy. I hate that shit. But my life goal or however you want to phrase it, would not be that I want to eat healthy. Make a difference imo.

3. They should be easy to get into. In addition, don't start with too much at first. Don't overwhelm yourself. When you are socially anxious and your goal is to become a party animal, maybe you should not start with going to every party you can find, because that can exhaust you. Better start with a simple gathering here and then or start at least leaving your appartment twice a week. Whatever it is. Start small. Not to much. Totally different question, whether becoming a party animal as a social anxious person would be meaningful. But that is a different topic. ^^

So yeah that would be my take on life goals. And the good thing: It seems that you already have some clues, what might be interesting for you:

8 hours ago, Xgamer said:

Like, I am fond of IT. And design. And plot-making. Why don`t I just take a shot? 

Last thing:

8 hours ago, Xgamer said:

I think I will start to log daily from now on because my craving is bigger than ever. I just want to see whether I can last this week. 

It is great to see that you are commited. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are just a human being. Not a robot. And we are here to help you. That is the good thing about this forum. We help each other!

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@Xgamer I suggest doing whatever the next step is for your career path that makes sense for you and keep taking the next step. Nice to meet you I'm Erik.

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03.03 day 23

I have decided to finish detox come hell or high water. And if until then I don`t kick the habit, I`ll play guilt-free. However, I should not watch videos where my game is featured

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HI @Xgamer

Nice to meet you and thanks for sharing your progress.  I just wanted to pitch in and say I think you’re doing a great job, despite the fears and concerns you’ve been raising.  In fact, I believe that those very fears and concerns are one of the most important parts of quitting something addictive.  I know that I got lost in addiction because I didn’t feel capable of facing my fears, that it was easy to make progress and feel like something.  But as I got older, I became more aware that those feelings were false and fleeting.

I see it as a crap day off gaming is just another day off gaming, whether I achieved lots or relatively little.  Like the others on here have put so eloquently, we’re only human and need downtime.  I think for a lot of us addicted to something, our minds and bodies are sometimes out of sync.  When one or the other gets too fatigued, it’s time to rest and that might mean a couple of hours in front of Netflix or watching some daft YouTube videos.

Cam has a couple of good videos about relapse, about how sometimes it’s an important step forward because if it happens and you feel negative about it, that reinforces that you believe in the detox and believe in your broader choices.  He’s also got some good stuff about losing yourself in the processes of hobbies to replace gaming, rather than focusing on the outcomes.  One thing gaming has trained us all to do is obsess about reaching that next goal, hitting that next level and receiving the rewards.  In real life, with sports, music, art, science etc…there are no instant rewards, there is only the process which might not make you feel better than you did when you started out.

Where these activities really shine are in giving you ‘tangible’ things to write about.  I find it difficult to do this often because it feels like the rest of the world doesn’t seem to care that you’re trying to improve in an activity. We’re competitive creatures at heart, no matter how much we like to project otherwise and judge others for being the same, so it’s sometime difficult to avoid the criticism of how good you are at something.  A classic example is when people try to twist inclusion and participation in sport into a narrative about making everybody soft and destroying elite level performance.  That kind of attitude has driven me away from running, something I love with all my soul, so many times because I’m only ever trying to get better than the person I am now and lose myself in the process.  Luckily I’ve started learning how to process that kind of narrow minded drivel 😉

You can feel detached when you quit gaming because it seems like everybody is doing it at the moment, but stepping back and applying some rational thought will help you to see what it does to people who can’t control it and start to rise above those behaviours that you want to change.

Finally, with regards to looking back and not feeling anything about your previous gaming habits…I’m right there with you.  I sometimes look back and feel very guilty, that I could have made so much more of myself if I hadn’t had it.  But there’s a big part of me now that’s accepting that I can’t time travel and do anything about it, so I’m actually grateful that I have all the experiences I do because they’ve made me the person I am now, the person who wants to make changes and get this under control.

I hope some of this helps, more so because I feel right there in the wars with you.  Treat each day like a battle.  You won’t win them all, people rarely do, but you can win the war by learning from each slip-up and step-backwards.  That’s what we’re all here for 😊

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@Talby, thank you. I know your post is worth more than a simple gratitude, but that is all I am capable of yet. 

day24

I learnt some english idioms. 

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On 2/24/2020 at 4:14 PM, Xgamer said:

Where will it end to hurt? Because I am not in my greatest shape now.

That depends, I believe you will always have nostalgic moments. During my last try, I read a book about architectural psychology and then I just felt nostalgic about Minecraft! It was not the critical cue for my gaming behavior but I am sure it got me closer to the idea. And what is SubRosa for you may be Cities Skylines for me. And right now in this moment I experience cravings! 😂

I totally agree with @DaBest that finding activities and projects you love and creating purpose cannot erase nostalgia but make it easier to overcome. 

And I did not realize there was a second page! I should get some sleep!😅

Edited by Captain_Pilz
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I have an issue with sleeping at night. I simply can`t

When do I sleep then? While commuting. 

Btw, check out this pearl of jazz. 

 

Edited by Xgamer

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What are you doing during the day and what are you doing before bed? Do you use your phone before bed? Do you eat sugary foods or drink things with sugar/caffeine? Are you exercising?

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16 hours ago, Xgamer said:

@Talby, thank you. I know your post is worth more than a simple gratitude, but that is all I am capable of yet. 

day24

I learnt some english idioms. 

Your gratitude is more than enough and very welcome.  It's brave of you to share and I hope to help any way I can, even if that means being silent and letting you be 😉

What's your favourite idiom so far?

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@Talby I got cold feet.

Really thinking of playing tonight. I realised that I don`tlike my job. Or did I? Was it me being under the weather?

 

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