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Captain_Pilz

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  1. Day 23: I finally made it! Even though, I watched YouTube in the morning, I got work done at last! What was good today?: I am very lucky. As soon as I start so many things become immersive. I got back on track, learned for my Physics class and also worked out. Yesterday, I also had some fun with my friends after not hearing from them for a long time. The greatest thing might be that I managed to take action and get out of my head! What was bad?: First and foremost, I had a rough start in the morning. But as for the rest of the day, I have no complaints. What will I do to conquer tomorrow?: Figuring out some equations is kind of fun once you start. Tomorrow, I will kill Physics and Maths like I didn't do in a long time. Apart from that, I might finally pick up my drum sticks again.
  2. Day 22: I am journaling a little earlier today. Yesterday was bad, probably the worst day in a long time. That also translated into bad sleep. What was good today?: I had a realisation. In three weeks, 22 Days to be exact my exams start. One is in the first week then two in the second one and in roughly over a month I am finished. However, apart from a little bit of Physics, I didn't do anything. Two scenarios: I continue as I did and fail my exams which makes everything a lot harder than it already is. Or I work hard right now, harder than ever did before and push through my comfort zone if I wanna have a chance to make it. Three weeks is nothing. Right now, the fear of failure is so present that it overpowers my urge to be comfortable. I just started improving. The chores I had to do were not helpful with that but at least I found a history podcast that makes the start of learning history easier. Furthermore, I had a great phone call with my grandparents. Tonight, I will finally commit to speaking to some friends and I am also looking forward to exercising right after I write here. Meditation for the last fifteen minutes before sleeping and planing out my tasks is crucial as well. All right, I still have three hours left. What was bad?: As I expected, I spent a lot of time on YouTube from 8 am to approximately 2 pm. That's an impressive six hours. I definitely need to change something up here. How will I conquer tomorrow?: Did I ever mention that I love cold showers? They are the most energising thing in the world and are not even uncomfortable if you breathe in a controlled manner. They are part of my morning routine and create massive momentum. I will conserve that momentum and focus on Physics in the morning, doing some Maths and English in the afternoon and listening to the history podcast during chores. I am confident that I will be able to do this. Also, I will call my other grandparents and text or speak with some other friends and exercise. These are all the goals, I give myself. Tomorrow, I will probably do a priority list here. Let's turn around. David
  3. Day 21: @Alexanderle, thank you for your amazing support. Today was better slightly, not much at all, but at least a little bit. What was good?: In the morning, I finally managed to act well. I took a walk in the afternoon and I spent more time with my parents. What was bad?: Somehow, I managed to avoid all of the work I could have done and didn't even work out. That was disappointing. What would make tomorrow great?: My surroundings are really messy right now. I have to remove distractions and start working finally. My phone has to be downstairs and not in the room I am working in. Otherwise, it doesn't work at all. How do I live up to a plan when I didn't live up to the previous ones. This question circulates in my head all the time. I have kind of started to lose faith in myself and my ability to change. But that sets me up for disappointment. The thing is that I like to be comfortable and that change isn't easy. It's going to be hard and I have to push through that at some point. At last, pulling yourself out of a bad loop takes many takes. I will go again tomorrow. Let's see how it plays out. David
  4. Day 20: It appears to me that I just wasted another two days of my life to various different things, including YouTube and Porn. I have now changed my router settings and made them very inaccessible to give myself only set hours on the Internet. Fact is that the Internet is THE biggest distraction in my life and I want that to change. Also, @Alexanderle, you are right. I am at day 20 and I will keep going. I promise. What was good today?: My father and I managed to repair the controller of my XBox which means that I am going to be able to sell it in the near future. I am looking forward to reinvesting the earned money in my personal development. Also, we cooked self-made burgers tonight. They were delicious. What was bad?: Porn. Quite a lot of porn and YouTube, too. Didn't study for the last two days either. What would make tomorrow perfect?: I just want to start the day well and study. I have a goal and I am going to reach it, even if I wasted a lot of my time. I have a plan. Let's see if it works out! In hope David
  5. 😭 Day 0: How did we get here? Over the last few days, I have started watching YouTube again, I spend too much time on porn and even played a video game for 30 minutes. Everything seemed OK but things didn't work out as I expected them to. The reason I had this mini-relapse is actually quite simple. There are habits that I find easy to do (playing the drums, my morning routine, working out), the ones that require a little bit of effort not to procrastinate on (mainly studying for Physics), and the ones that are just super hard to do. Those ones are currently related to the other subjects I have to learn for and this is the case for different reasons. One subject is boring and too easy, one is ambiguous and studying for the last one feels unpractical. And if I'm honest the second reason why I keep watching YouTube is because it is stimulating and doesn't require any effort. Let's face it. Right now, I'm just not used to putting effort into things. When I listened to today's episode of the Game Quitters Podcast, James talked exactly about this. For him and so for me everything in school came easily and everything was super short term. Now, that I am about a month away from my final exams and about to go to university afterwards, I feel like I just want to hide from the effort, that somehow everything coming easy to me has made me lazy. I have never considered myself a hard working person. Right now that I still have a month time to prepare, I realise that I started to late on the other subjects. However, learning them all at once feels daunting and plain impossible and from the experience I made over the last days actually is impossible. I am going through the process of leaving an addiction behind and I cannot make it too hard for myself. Otherwise my inclination to escape will just become worse and worse. I just want to hope that things will get better. I have made some progress again. I have noticed that unhealthy eating, watching TV and YouTube and porn, and playing video games is intertwined. When I do one thing, I feel the urge to do the others. When I watch YouTube, I eat unhealthy and play games. When I watch porn, I diminish my energy and make myself watch more YouTube. The circle closes there. It's basically a loophole of instant gratification. That makes watching YouTube and porn even more risky. Therefore, I should not consume them. On the other hand, exercise naturally replenishes my mental energy and makes me eat healthier. Cold showers do as well. I already do those positive things which means I only have to double down on them. At the moment, I feel satisfied with what's going on in my brain, with my thoughts. All those years of struggle have taught me plenty of things, what works and what doesn't work. What I m not satisfied with is how my actions reflect my thinking, how I am actually developing, and my interpersonal connections -Why not just say relationships-. My friends and family are dear to me but in those negative phases, I just forget about them. That makes me feel like a bad friend and a bad son. I want to get active in my deepest and the longer I remain in the negative zone, or what I perceive as the negative zone, the more frustrated I get with my progress and it hurts my progress. The more frustrated I get, the worse my escapism gets. That's how I feel in this whole situation. However, the thought has just come to me that I may only think I am in a downwards spiral and actually am in an upwards spiral. I even think it's most probable that this is the case and that the upwards spiral just has some nudges in it and is hidden from my sight. I mean, I'm developing and the fact that I'm never giving up reflects that. How does this train of thought help me take action. My perceptual issue is that I mostly have the goal in mind. Yes, that's the case. That said, I will not see my small wins on the way and I will not notice my progress because the only way I am satisfied is when I live up to the ideal I created in my head throughout the years. My ego also tells me subconsciously that everything has to be easy. What is gonna help me take action and grow as an individual is detaching myself from the ideal and the fantasy and to live in the moment. Also, there is the next reason why I should not watch YouTube and porn. It supports my inclination to fantasise. Meditation is going to help me there. I have done it before sleeping in the past. In the long run it improved my thought but in the short run I even slept better, so why not do it for 10 minutes each evening to start off. All right, let's do a quick journal: What was great?: Drumming, exercise and learning a lot about myself and my own inclinations. What was bad?: I watched YouTube, I watched porn and I procrastinated the whole day. Also, I got out of bed late. What will make tomorrow better than today?: Calling one friend and one family member. Learning a moderate amount of Physics. Not watching anything, not even personal development videos.
  6. Day 16: What was good today?: I made an interesting experiment in the morning. My chronotype is the lark chronotype which means I respond to light very quickly. Therefore, I left my shutters open over night and voila, I woke up at 6:30 am without an issue. That's a better way not to snooze than using a ton of willpower. Then, I managed to execute my morning routine once again. After a lot of unproductive time, I managed to pull myself out of it and work out. What was bad?: I definitely procrastinated in the morning and eventually started watching gaming videos. That continued for hours until the late afternoon. I even almost relapsed. What would make tomorrow perfect?: Tomorrow would already be perfect if I managed not to watch YouTube and get over that initial procrastination border.
  7. Day 15: The movie was great. However, I will try to go to bed sooner today. What was good today?: I am keeping my morning routine up for another day! At least I am consistent in some things. My parents and I payed my grandparents a short visit today since it's eastern. I was also able to phone a few relatives and text a few friends. Also, I did a lot of drumming today and it starts to be fun again after the first few times were quite frustrating. What was bad?: The visit to my grandparents also broke up my original plan to study early. This made it difficult for me to keep things up. I don't blame external circumstances for that, at least partially. Actually, my plan failed because I miscalculated the difficulty of direct practice and I will learn from that. Apart from that I also watched quite an amount of YouTube, no gaming videos however. I even watched porn, again. I know exactly that porn is an energy vampire for me but I still do it. That's frustrating but I'm dedicated to push through it at some time. What could make tomorrow the perfect day?: I want to learn from my mistakes and finally start studying for my English class. Also, I struggle to keep contact with my friends through anything else than texting. This means that I should start staying in touch per video chat. Another thing is obviously YouTube. Not watching any would make tomorrow even better.
  8. Day 14: This journal is written in a hurry so it's not very detailed. I will watch Inglorious Bastards with my parents in a minute. What was good today?: A lot of things, though not everything, went right. In the morning, I stood up earlier than usual. I just couldn't sleep anymore. I started studying for my English class, which I procrastinated on for a long time, I worked out again and I spent some time with my parents. Furthermore, I finally started practising the drums again and had much fun. What was bad?: I didn't quite start working as I wanted to. After my morning routine I watched porn. Why? In the afternoon, I procrastinated a lot, too. I even watched some YouTube but it wasn't for too long. What would make tomorrow the perfect day?: I would like to repeat a few of the good things I did today. Perfect would mean that I started working directly after my morning routine and got more right.
  9. Day 13: Finally! The first improvements! What was good today? I didn't watch any YouTube today, even though I had cravings. In the afternoon, I managed to study well, I played the drums and I called my grandmother who is always excited about me calling. Furthermore, I texted some friends and worked out for the first time in five months. Currently, I am even working towards selling my XBox which is my last resort to play games. What was bad? My morning was still really wasted. I also watched porn even though I know it doesn't make any sense. Over the day, I noticed a little bit of inflamation in my throat. I just hope that I'm not getting ill again! What would make tomorrow the perfect day? Today was much better than the last days. I managed to do quite a lot because I was quite motivated. I want this to happen again tomorrow because I know: I cannot be too relived because I need to double down on the things that worked today. If I was able to get a few things done in the morning, that would be even better. Let's get some rest and see! David
  10. Welcome to the forum from my side, too. What Alexanderle said is very right. Just quitting gaming won't get you anywhere. I also think you are at the right place here. You seem to go through severe withdrawal symptoms, probably more severe than I ever experienced and it's understandable that you feel overwhelmed as you've just found out. This means that I will hold back with tips for the moment as I am far from being an expert. Still, it's great that you take responsibility for yourself and your loved ones by quitting games and that you have professional help. I am convinced you will make it.
  11. Day 12: Right now, as I'm writing this post, I've spent the last 3 hours trying to figure out a solution for my phone. I forgot a passcode which I need to make crucial changes but resetting this stuff on Apple is so annoying. The only way left to go is to do a full reset but the backup won't finish its last two millimeters. What was good today?: To be honest, there was not much. I didn't manage to accomplish any part of my main objectives. In the morning, I watched YouTube and in the afternoon I still wasted massive amounts of time. Still, I made a little progress. I am currently trying to figure out why I often feel so ill. For a long time I took this as a sign no to start working out. However, lately in a productive and very healthy phase after I was ill, I felt awesome. Then over the last few days, I fell back into YouTube and I ate a lot of unhealthy food and I didn't move. Now, I feel sick again. Obviously, a healthy lifestyle makes you healthier. Also, I've noticed that watching gaming and entertainment videos on YouTube brings back my cravings and makes focus impossible. Not only do I have to reduce my YouTube time but stop watching YouTube on devices where I can't control myself. On my laptop, I use DFTube, which is a powerful chrome extension cutting out recommended videos. However, on my phone and the TV I just don't have the opportunity. Right now I am working on blocking YouTube on my phone. This means I just have to overcome the urge to watch it on the TV when I am alone. On my PC, I am still allowed to watch videos if they are for research and only then. What was bad today?: The fact that I watched YouTube all morning and the amount of time I wasted on setting my phone up right sums things up pretty well. Nothing finished, extremely unproductive day. My morning routine has been disrupted for the last four days now. I know what I have to change and I know why I want to change it. On the other hand I didn't do anything about it rather than thinking. I am stuck in my head, again. What would make tomorrow the perfect day?: I would be blessed if I made this YouTube detox a thing. Also, if I finally managed to contact my friends, I would be happy, too. In hope David
  12. Day 11: (I do the numbers for the sake of structuring my journal. I have not intention of going back at all.) I just reread yesterdays post and I am glad I was so honest. There is a lot of truth to it. Moreover, my actions don't align with who I want to be or who I really am. That's the reason I feel so frustrated and tense. As I write this right now, I feel the exact same way. What was good today? There is not much actually but there is still one aspect. I took an assessment about one and a half weeks ago to get a better idea of what my values are. This is a professional psychological test and I have to admit that the results accurate. The next step would be to evaluate my current goals and ACTIONS based on these ideas. Again, my actions don't reflect my values at the moment! That's also (unsurprisingly) a result of the test. No wonder I feel the way I feel. By the way, this is basically what I found out yesterday. I also had a four minute call with... someone from my family (I don't know the name for the relationship.) What was bad? Let me be honest and tell you what I did today. I woke up, I ate breakfast while watching TV and I watched TV and YouTube all day, eating crappy food and not moving at all. No wonder I feel the way I feel! (Also, monotony. My language is not the freshest right now.😅) What would make tomorrow great? There is one thing that would make me super proud of myself. Going through my morning routine, while nobody is at home. No TV, no YouTube, just the routine and then action. If I connected a little bit more with the people around me, the people I care about, that would be cathartic. I need to get out of my head because right now there is not much more than me and my own mind. That would be fine if I meditated 24/7 but since I don't do so and also don't aim to, the isolation I inflict on myself right now is harming. Being social is an absolute must!
  13. Wow, that's powerful and you nailed it! Evaluation needs to depend on where you aspire to be in life, on what is right for you. It doesn't matter how many days you are in because if it works it works and you should double down on it. Keep going. You have done enough introspection to know why you should quit porn and act differently. You have realised that watching porn doesn't align with who you are deep inside.
  14. It's been 10 days since I last played video games. I didn't have any cravings and that seems to continue. Different habits have taken gaming's place. It is super hard for me not to watch YouTube or Netflix at any given moment. Even though I gave in to some of those cravings, I still managed to do some important stuff. Currently, I am moving away from the thought of building habits and all the science that comes with it but I try to find a different perspective. I took a walk in nature today. It is super relaxing and gives me room to think. I reckon that the problems I have are not just practical but rather emotional issues. The place my life is in right now, especially in this constant state of self-quarantine is really bad. For the last two years, I have constantly been trying to get better, and I definitely have. I have failed a lot and that is normal. But it seems like every time I fail and every time I don't live up to the promises I give myself my fear of failure seems to get worse. This might be part of the process of "waking up" but I think there is more to it. For years, I looked at people, striving to be like them one day and I had people tell me that I was talented and that I could really make something out of my life. That can be positive. I guess in my case it turns out to be negative. I realise now how I only ever saw the goal and the image of the perfect. I tried to do too much and I was not satisfied. And every time I failed, I felt less able to accomplish that. I learned a whole lot of theory and talked a lot but I didn't manage to let my actions reflect that. I already gamed and consumed content a lot at that time and I would have been able to get out of that state. But I started to wake up. I started to feel guilty about all these things. But because I was afraid I started to use it as an escape. I managed to get better. I am in a better state today and I am more conscious of my own actions than most people. However, it is my emotional connection to those actions that screw me up. I've noticed that. It won't help to build thousands of habits if I don't get my mindset right. It won't help to have plans if I don't detach myself from this ideal life that has built up in my mind. I have to take action but I have to stop mindlessly pursuing some milestones as if I were in a video game. My main goal is to overcome my fear of failure. This takes action, this takes effort and this is uncomfortable. This is what it is. But there can't be any pressure, pressure I have put on myself for such a long time. This post is negative, I know but I believe there is hope. What I try to state is that sometimes we cannot continue the way we acted before. Sometimes, something that was originally meant to be good backfires severely. In hope David
  15. First of all, thank you @Alexanderle for your continuous great advice. I have been going through a rough time lately, despite the fact that I have never been so disconnected from gaming since I started it. Somehow, I notice that YouTube on my phone and TV-shows start replacing that escape. The more time passes by the more my brain gets fogged and I forget what my actual aim is. For instance, today, I watched Avatar the whole day, ate a whole lot of unhealthy food, even though I know I want to become much healthier, and disregarded my duties and my relationships. Also, that my parents are working again, which means I have to hold myself accountable. I am surprised how much easier it is to concentrate when there is someone around. I genuinely feel like my life is falling apart again and that I will not make it. I know this is plain wrong. I know it is possible but at the moment I momentarily stopped believing that it is. But I am afraid of failing, of being stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life. That is my biggest fear at the moment and it paralyses me to the extend that I built even more fear. That's a rough place to be emotionally and I suppose you know that. In the future, I just have to listen to myself better. It is not a coincidence that I am highly motivated and then highly demotivated and then highly motivated and then highly demotivated and so on. Maybe, I always wanted too much quickly. A broken leg doesn't heal over night, so why should a mental issue? Instead of focusing on achievement, I think I should focus on cleansing and healing. And therefore, I will not create a big plan but share some opportunities. 1. I never really cared about the people around me. I wanna start that now. 2. Without energy there is no progress, so I want to progress towards a healthier lifestyle. 3. I have big tasks I procrastinate on. It is studying. Instead of focusing on the grades, I should focus on the skill.