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Alexanderle

Trust the process...

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@Sashiku I guess you are right. That is the correct mindset. At some point, I might use it eventually. 
For the yoga class: This will be another great challenge to expand my comfort zone a little bit more. ^^

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So to analyze my results for today:

Waking up at 5.30. X

Ready at  6.30 X

Reading a bit for programming like at least one chapter Check

reading another chapter Check

a bit of yoga Check

reading in my newly acquired book for my sauna job Check

finishing the last chapter of the programming book. X

working out Check

something new for today: smiling a little bit more and longer with eye contact when in the supermarket at the female cashier. Has nothing to do with flirting really, but about expanding the comfort zone a tiny bit more. So I guess this counts.

So basically I did 7 out of 10. What did I learn today?

- I finally did a real extensive workout again. The last couple of workouts were a bit less serious, but today I really went into detail. And it was awesome. I feel so good right now that I really need to do this more often again. The other workouts are also great, but this stuff is the real deal.

- I have problems to wake up on time right now. I really don't know, why that is. I had this stretch for weeks, where I would just jump out of my bed and would start immediately. I guess I want to be there again. So maybe the 5 second rule from Mel Robbins could help me out again. I really did not use it anymore. Maybe I am so used to my morning routine right now that this spirit and power I felt in the beginning reduced a little bit. Who knows, it is not really a big problem, but I now that I could have easily gone for 10 out of 10 today.

- A little schedule for the day is really helpful, maybe I would have been less effective without it today

- I spend a lot of time on the gamequitters forum today. It is kinda a nice push trying to help other people a bit with their problems. Another indication that the clinical area of psychology might be more my thing that the technical area of my university. 

- I am watching a bit too much videos on youtube here and then. But I don't consider that a problem right now

 

What are my plans for tomorrow? There are only a couple of things I want to focus on:

- Reading that chapter of programming

- Reading more in that Sauna book

- Trying to have more eye contact with visitors in the Sauna, where I am working

- just trying to have a good time, after the sauna I will hang out with my date and her friends for a bit. Chances for sex are quite high tomorrow after that.

 

Regarding the last point: I am not rushing or triggering myself now. This was one of my goals to have some intimacy this year again. I expected that I have to work very hard for that, but it came faster than expected. By now, statistically speaking, the majority of people have already quit their new years resolutions, I am already over that point. So this year will be good as well.  Last year was all about myself. And I turned into a machine, having a work ethic now, lean muscles and like almost a sixpack and a good self care routine. This year it is about other people and the social aspect. And like usual, it is about the process. I couldn't care less about the actual results. As long as I trust and enjoy the process, it will come itself.

Nice, that was another little pep talk to myself. I should do this as well as the planning more often. But only, when I feel like it. I will not force it. Thanks for reading. 🙂

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Ok, time for some recap of yesterday. If my goal is to continuously expand my comfort zone than yesterday I smashed its borders beyond the horizon. So much stuff happened that it was almost scary. 

So lets divide it in positive and negative, starting with the negative:

I was working in the sauna yesterday and my date and here friends were there as guests, so I also wanted to stay as guest as well after my shift was over. But there was some bad tension and annoying stuff going on with collegues so that made me quite uncomfortable, like almost scared me. I was not allowed to stay longer afterwards. So I then had to drive back home and had to wait until they were leaving the sauna. She gave me her address and I then was scared like usual, if I would find a parking spot there. Always something I struggled with: Parking, driving. It scares me man. I hate it a lot. Another big area, where I want to improve. And I will eventually. I have to! But this annoying. Do you see, how all these little things pile up and can make you miserable? They are small things, but they are so powerful. I knew the entire time that I just had to go through the whole thing in order to grow. Like I always say -> there is no going back now.

Another thing was that they were playing mario cart, when I arrived. That however was no problem. I played a little bit with them, but then, when in the middle of the race she turned the console off, it did not bother me. Not at all. I couldn't care less. And that is still weird. But my only explanation right now is my identity: I am just not a gamer anymore. Here at gamequitters, it feels more like I am talking about everything else. It is like healing the wounds caused by gaming. But this addiction is dead. I have almost killed it entirely. With ice, fire and swords!!!

Because I was so anxious about everything beforehand, I had trouble to read my chapter for programming and did not finish it. But right now, I don't really care that much xD

The positive: I had a good time playing some games with them. Also some drinking game. I was still not enjoying the alcohol stuff and was eating some chips. This is just not part of my lifestyle. But it just happened. So who cares. I am still a fucking machine 😄 So that is alright.

I had sex after five years. It felt good, I had fun and she had it as well. I am not going into details here, but I still notice the effect of pornography. But it is not that big of a problem anymore. I tried to relax and it was ok. This was one goal for this year and it is accomplished. To the next one: Getting even more relaxed with this whole subject. Right now, this is a really casual thing. And that is alright, we are both on the same page here. 🙂

I am stronger than ever. Nothing can stop me. Yesterday, I found out that I will at some point have to talk for myself. Not say yes and amen for everything. One colleague did something that is unforgivable. And I will make sure that she knows that. I am not turning into a monster her. But when I have a goal and you are in my way, I advise you to step aside. 😉 Another great goal for this year. Where will this journey end? I don't know. And I don't care about the result. All what matters is that I trust the process. 😄 

 

Ps.: Just at this moment I decided that I will write the fourth exam for my theory component, even though it is not necessary for my grade. Why? Because I just said that the results are irrelevant. I want to challenge myself even more. 😄 

Edited by Alexanderle
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Thank you very much @WhatAboutToday?. I was a nice day indeed. Now, it is a bit tough to get back to my usual routines of the last couple of weeks, because my weekend plans were shaked up a bit. That that is alright I would say. More focus on university now.

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Ok, so something to recap for me. I had an amazing weekend. Now it is time to get back on track on focus university. Let's activate my work ethic module in my brain again.

Today's plan:

- Learning for programming

- Cleaning appartment

- Cleaning my aquarium

- Working on the other programming project

- Maybe looking into the lectures of the next exam

- Looking for statistical measures of my regular project

- Maybe a tiny bit of small talk at the supermarket

That sums it up. A long list of things to do. Let's smash it into pieces. If I only get half of it done, I couldn't care less. 😄 

Edited by Alexanderle

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I am still a bit tired, but I got something done:

- Learning for programming Check

- Cleaning appartment Check

- Cleaning my aquarium Nope

- Working on the other programming project not really

- Maybe looking into the lectures of the next exam nope

- Looking for statistical measures of my regular project yes but only shortly

- Maybe a tiny bit of small talk at the supermarket very very tiny, but it was more an extended have a nice relaxed shift ^^ Guess better than nothing. Not ready for smalltalk yet. 

 

So since I right now see some decrease in results, I have to fight back. Alarm clock tomorrow still at 5. That is my only goal for tomorrow. The rest, I will see. As long as I get that right, I am happy. 🙂

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The day yesterday was incredibily buy and hectic. But I accomplished quite a lot and it was super hard work straight from the morning to the evening. Today I received some grades and they are very good. So the hard work the last couple of weeks really payed off. Basically, I do not need to write the exams tomorrow and I think I won't even though I said that I will. I just don't see the point. The only reason would be that I really fucked up the one missing exam, but I highly doubt it. So that should be alright.

Today was very weird and I almost saw myself loosing it. Because of the grades and that everything is done, I had nothing to do in the afternoon, so I watched some basketball and sleep a bit. The woman, I am "dating" right now was not really answering per whatsapp, which really annoyed me and like immediately the jealousy and bad mood switch was activated. While I was laying there on the couch, I actually for a moment felt some emptiness inside. She replied already to be stressed out right now and I just belive her I guess. But for this short moment I briefly thought about gaming. Not in terms of relapsing, but it was more like all of my outer layers, habits and current attitudes were washed away and below down there was this little monster waiting to get out. What to do in this moment? Do something! Really do something! Not passively watching tv or game. Nothing consumerismic (is that a word XD). But something active. I will workout later. I ordered a birthday gift for a friend and now I will apply for this yoga course in university. And then I will start working for that next module. I still have many weeks for that, but like they say in germany: The early bird catches the worm. I will not go back to where I started. Even if I loose everything.

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Everything university related should be done for know. Now I basically have more than one week off. This will be a tough challenge. I basically have nothing to do and social contacts are not "generated" through university classes. So I need to find my own ways to generate them. Haven't seen the woman yet and I am not trying to stress myself about it. Either there is something going the next couple of days or I might end it. Will be a tough on,e, but we'll see what happens. This is about my personal feelings. 

So I have basically two things to accomplish the next week. First the social aspect. I need like a social plan of activities to keep me busy and going as much as possible. Tomorrow,  I will join a fitness class (will read something about it in the gamequitters emergency section)  and will go to the sauna afterwards. This will already get me going for a couple of hours. Another plan would also be to go into the library a bit, but this is optional. Over the weekend, I will work each day, so this will bring me a bit outside. For the time, where I am working, I have to expose myself to a bit small talk. Trying to have a little conversation here and then. Even, if it is just a little bit. The next week, I have not planned yet. But I will not rot around in my house and wait for bad mood or old cravings to come back.

Secondly, I will start reading stuff for me next module. I should be able to be done during the next week. So this will surely give me a headstart. Maybe, I find additional energy to learn a bit dutch or read something else. 

So here we go again, rising early, brawling hard. 😄 

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Kinda annoying I have to say. I did pretty much most of what I have planned, but I guess right now I have the flu. This really holds me back quite a bit. Instead of going out and trying to accomodate to other people, I have to sit and lay at home. So annoying! Guess, I will at some point, when I feel a bit better try to focus on university stuff. But health first.

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Not a lot to say here. I am feeling a lot better by now. Not perfect but still. Today I was drawing a bit and finally learned some dutch. Right now I am still trying to read a bit for university, so most of my goals were met today. Besides that I am still resting to get better. A shame I have not a lot of social contacts right now to practice my skills. But this will come of course so I am not too much annoyed by it.

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9 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Not a lot to say here. I am feeling a lot better by now. Not perfect but still. Today I was drawing a bit and finally learned some dutch. Right now I am still trying to read a bit for university, so most of my goals were met today. Besides that I am still resting to get better. A shame I have not a lot of social contacts right now to practice my skills. But this will come of course so I am not too much annoyed by it.

Well if you want to practice your Dutch skills in writing, you can send me a message anytime! 

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On 1/23/2020 at 9:19 PM, Alexanderle said:

Haven't seen the woman yet and I am not trying to stress myself about it. Either there is something going the next couple of days or I might end it. Will be a tough on,e, but we'll see what happens. This is about my personal feelings. 

How does this go for you so far? Giving two chances seems like a good general outline, you both give the benefit of the doubt and get the business sorted out in a week if nothing happens.

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@Ikar She claims to have some stress with her ex husband. Right now, I just let it be as it is, but I have the feeling that I will not repeat it again. I am feeling ok so far. So why change this by getting intimate again and then feeling annoyed? 😕 Seems to be for the better. Thanks for asking. 🙂 

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Right now, it is all about university and establishing my routines of drawing and learning dutch. I heavily rely on the two minute rule by James Clear. At least the basic idea. So, I just start with the habit, do it for at least two minutes and then stop. With the exception that I mostly do it quite a lot longer. But, when I feel that it turns out to be actual work, I just stop it. I will do this for a couple of weeks now. Over time, it will be an actual habit. Should be a lot easier for drawing, because this used to be a die hard hobby of mine. It served me well, when I was barely gaming many years ago. But this time, I don't just want to be ok. I want to be capable of drawing fairly accurate portraits. To practice that I have to strategies. I am switching between a quantitative and a qualitative method. I pick out one picture of a famous celebrity. Right now, it is a picture of Emma Watson. In the quantitative method. I just start mindlessly drawing her face on one paper, not measuring too long or being to nitpicky, producing mere sketches. After a couple of minutes, I check, how accurate this light version is. If I am not satisfied, I just put it aside and sketch a new version. Sometimes, I will draw up to ten of those. This can be a lot of fun. When I am satisfied with one, in the qualitative method, I now focus on accuracy. I try to draw very detailed and as accurate as possible. This is a lot harder then the other method, but also quite enjoayble. I am alternating between the two, sometimes only one in each session. Whatever I feel like. I do this, because I found out that I am not equally motivated for speed or accuracy every single day. So in order to still have an effective learning process, I alternative with my strategies. Let's see, how this will serve me the following weeks.

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This is interesting. I'm reading a book right now called Ultralearning by Scott Young. He actually did something really similar. He wanted to draw better portraits, so he did a month of intense practice and would rapidly sketch faces and compare to see where the mistakes were. I think there's a video on YouTube of it, and it's really amazing how much he improved. Check it out if you have some time, it's pretty neat.

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@DaBest I like it a lot. I checked out the video and his approach is even more "quantitative" by drawing even more faces. Interesting idea to consider. The rest is quite comparable to what I am doing. Righit now I am scanning through his blog and are reading some articles. He has some interesting points. One that I am interested in particular is the idea that I should focus on one project rather than several at the same time. So right now I am trying to learn for university, practice painting and learn Dutch. I will do some more research, but I am considering to let learning Dutch fall fack behind a little bit. I will still use the 2 minute rule to do it daily in order to build up that "language learning habit". This makes sense, since sometimes, I still will find a bit of energy to work on it, and I am a lot more interested in art right now. Learning for university is a must do. No way to postbone that.

Yesterday went pretty great. I was reading, what I wanted to read for university and I was painting quite a lot. Maybe today, I can find time to finally work out again and clean my aquarium. The rest should go similar to yesterday. That is all for now.

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Everything worked out accordingly. I was reading everything I wanted for university, I was drawing for quite some time today and I was really happy about it. I also was cooking and cleaning my aquarium. Well, I was cooking a meal and independently of that I was cleaning my aquarium. ^^ Just a moment ago I was working out and now I will probably do just a couple of minutes of learning dutch. This sums up an amazing day. Maybe later I will read a bit in the course of socialpro. I feel just a little bit of anxiety and nervousness, when thinking about the lectures next weak and the people I will meet there. So, time to address this I guess.

On the flipside, today I was almost watching porn. I don't like that a lot, but of course, it is not just that big of the problem. Just need to be strict and attentive about it. I don't want this to be a part of my life again.

 

Just writing a short to do for tomorrow:

Waking up early (doesn't matter when)

get into my morning routine again (my sickness last week was messing with it a bit)

Read another chunk for university

Draw

Learn dutch (maybe longer than the 2 minute rule stuff)

clean up appartment

participate in a fitness course at university

maybe look into the material for my bachelor thesis

make an appointment with tutor regarding master program

bonus: check out new music mix for sauna

 

Let's see how much I get accomplished. It is a bit longer then usual. But in the end, it doesn't matter, how much I get done. That would be all.

 

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52 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Well, I was cooking a meal and independently of that I was cleaning my aquarium.

Haha, good distinction! I've thought about getting an aquarium but not in my current setup. Very tiny bedroom in my parents' house. I also need to remember to draw once in a while. I used to love it and just stopped doing it one day... probably when I started gaming a lot, lol. Even when I was younger and gaming, though, I'd draw characters from games and stuff... make comics and things like that. IDK what happened.

Sounds like a good day! 

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@ceponatia It can be very rewarding. It is also of course hard work here and then, but I really want to finally master it. And I think there is nothing wrong with drawing game characters etc. Well sometimes, habits and things get lost right?

 

Regarding my plans for today. I woke up around 8, that is alright I would say. I got pretty much everything done despite going to a fitness class and my "bonus". But that is totally fine, since I first have to work on sunday again, so enough time to mix some music. And despite not joining a fitness class I was working out anyway at home. So quite the productive day despite some starting problems. Tomorrow I go to the university again, lets see how it goes. Same plan as today regarding a fitness class. Maybe after university is over. Also more reading for university. The rest I will see 🙂 

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It has been a couple of days since my last post. And a lot of things have happened:

First of all, I am quite productive and work very hard for university. This is absolutely going better than ever. My motivation is off the charts. I am unstoppable. I also finished this kind of one night stand relation with the woman, I had a date with. It is really better that way, since I don't want a relationship and this kind of state is really not my thing. So that is fine. I am using Tinder quite active again and are now writing with a woman, who is slightly taller than me. I don't like this that much, besides that, she seems very nice. I am also doing quite a lot of sports right now. I am getting stronger and stronger. 

However, the list of negative things is quite big right now. My diet is a little bit shaky. I am eating a lot of honey lately and I adore Yoghurt with Bananas and honey like crazy. I guess, it will pass eventually, but I have to take care of myself. I want to get back to my better habits. But I just let it happen for now. The by far biggest problem is my social life. I have lectures again with those students, who are studying the same thing like me. We all used to have a couple of different modules the last year, so I haven't seen many people in quite a while. The biggest problem is that I am not talking to any of them. I am avoiding them, I am not looking at them. I am sitting all by myself during the lecture. It kills me. There is something inside of me that makes it very hard for myself to just go to some people, I actually know and to just start talking. This is one of my most feared scenarios. I see all those people, meeting and hugging their friends after some time, just having fun etc. Why is it so hard for me to be just like that? Today was very tough for me and it almost broke me entirely. After that lecture I was working for two more hours in the library. This was very good. Amazing Job @myself for getting shit done. But when I wanted to go to the gym to attend another course, all the sudden, I just turned around and left. Completely on autopilot. This was very weird. It was like I was running away. What happenend at home? I was eating too much stuff. Well said Yoghurt and Bananas, three Eggs and a big pile of salad with tuna. Despite that it is too much and a bit off my usual routines, this is still healthier than what 90 % of the people would eat. So thats fine. But then I watched porn. Happened all the sudden. I know, it happened, because I was so dragged down. It feels like a tough loss. But I was not playing games or anything. I am not a gamer anymore, so that is completely dead inside. Even if everything imaginable in my life would go wrong, I would kill myself before I game again. No worries, wont gonna happen.

So what can I learn out of that? I am not even close to where I want to be. I still have so much to improve. This year is the year, where I fix my social life and develop social skills. It is a process. Can't expect it to happen right away. I will need more time and I give myself that time. I don't care that much about the porn thing. Since I am not counting any streaks or days, it doesn't matter. I just continue the right path. Like I said to quite a lot of people in this forum: 60 days without a drug and 1 day with it is better then 61 days with the drug. Obviously! Streaks are not important. Results don't matter. The process matters. And I am in the middle of it. While writing it, there are some positive things to consider:

I am actually sitting in the lecture. Normally, I would have run away. So, I guess that is already a bit better than what I used to do. Overall, I am also outside a bit more than before. Attending those sport classes, going sometimes to the sauna. All of that is already one step in the right direction. But I have to do even more. Eventually, I think I have to join an association at campus to force myself out even more. I will not give up. Today was like I was on the edge to completely loose it all, but I am not giving up.

The thing with the whole process is that it is not linear. Ups and downs are part of the process. I will not continue, until I am done. Actually, in a certain way, this is some kind of suicidal ideation. Last year, I killed this sugar eating, fat son of a bitch, I hated to see in the mirror. I killed that lazy fuck, who never worked and chilled all the time. I killed the fucker, who never cleaned up his appartment. And my next victim is this weak social shit. People say that you have to love and accept yourself? I disagree. Self hate can be quite helpful. But in a positive way. Don't say to yourself that you are ugly or useless. It is more like a responsible, very angry parent, who wants his child to make the right decisions. 

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35 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

 

The thing with the whole process is that it is not linear. Ups and downs are part of the process. I will not continue, until I am done. Actually, in a certain way, this is some kind of suicidal ideation. Last year, I killed this sugar eating, fat son of a bitch, I hated to see in the mirror. I killed that lazy fuck, who never worked and chilled all the time. I killed the fucker, who never cleaned up his appartment. And my next victim is this weak social shit. People say that you have to love and accept yourself? I disagree. Self hate can be quite helpful. But in a positive way. Don't say to yourself that you are ugly or useless. It is more like a responsible, very angry parent, who wants his child to make the right decisions. 

Alexanderle,

I will not approach your post in an autobiographical way (mirroring my experiences) because we can be very different people.

Agree with you that during the downs you see the real self. You have stated this to other members. 

“I felt so bad, It almost broke me entirely” Did that experience of not being able to connect with other guys- influence you to miss the gym and then watch these bad things on the internet?

How many real friends (not counting family members) have you got with whom you can be this open.

Like:  tell them of your worst mess ups, tease them and laugh at them, feel ok if they are laughing at you, get into a fight with them where you openly say what you don’t like without any shame or fear.

 

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@Amphibian220 I have like 3 to 5 really close friends, but most of them live a bit more far away. I am really close with one of them (only as friends) and she often offered me that I can always share anything, I want with her. I have this feeling though that I will embarrass myself and come of as weak. But I gues, this is a really good advice. Thank you!

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