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Tomas

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Everything posted by Tomas

  1. Day 90 I did it! Phew... 90 days with no games. So what did I gain from this experience? I got time... I now have much more time to spend on hobby's, sports, cooking and so on. Lately I also spend time to do nothing in particular and just be... taking it easy. Living in the moment and trying to be more aware of every moment. I feel like I am more at ease and less confused. My mind is more able to process everything that happens during the day. I feel less "overwhelmed by life". Negative emotions and feelings pass by a bit more quickly. I am able to stop overthinking things a bit better. I have moments where I am actually proud of myself. I realize I need patience. I am in the process of constant self development and healing. It takes time. And that's okay. I need patience to keep making the right decisions, and when I f*ck up... I need to forgive myself and continue. Now that I quit gaming for 90 days, I know that it is going to have a lot less influence on my life like it did before. Probably I will go back to it at a certain point. At least for a while and to play certain single player games that I would love to experience. I do realize it is a slippery slope that could drive me back in to addiction. So in order to control myself I have to come up with some rules. Also, I will take a look at Cam's video's about moderate gaming. Rules from now on: I will never play Hearthstone ever again. I will never play games on my own. Playing games will be a "real" social activity. --------- I am trying to think of more rules. But the above things actually rule out every situation where I would misbehave and procrastinate. Me and my girlfriend play single player campaigns sometimes with games like Zelda and Farcry. We were spending approximately one weekend each month doing this. Next to that I sometimes play multiplayer console games with friends. It has been playing games on my own and alone that set me up for addictive behavior. With that being said. I decide to not play games for at least another month or so. I like where I am now. And I feel like I am not ready for moderate gaming just yet. I need to think this trough and be very aware and self assured before I make the decision to touch any game again. I will post my thoughts and be back here. Good luck to you all.
  2. Day 63 Incredible, everything that happened lately. Just crazy. I was still traveling. My girlfriend and I got to the point were we were splitting up for month so that we could have some time by ourselves. My plan was to go to Sri Lanka, meet up with a group of friends for a planned holiday. My girlfriend stayed to plan some dive courses and meet up with a friend as well. 5 days in to my holiday in Sri Lanka and the Covid-19 situation got pretty much out of hand. Long story short, we rushed to the airport and got a flight back home asap. My travels were cut 3 weeks short. And back in the Netherlands me and my girlfriend were reunited. And now it is quarantine time. And what seems the best way to sit trough weeks of staying at home, with nothing to do, not going out, hardly any business, and days and days to spend??? Actually I am really really happy I started this no gaming adventure. I am very sure I would have been playing tons of games right now. But a promise is a promise. And not gaming has been very beneficial. I now have time to play lots of guitar. I guess some of you guys will be having a hard time right now during the Corona lock down. It seems like the perfect excuse to be playing games. Except that it is not 😉 Good luck to everyone out here.
  3. Tomas

    Farewell.

    Hi Sarma, Try to be calm and ask yourself what strategies you have in place? Find an activity, go out of the house, work out, do sports, do something new, anything! And also... it is just a craving, in time it will surely pass. I wish you the best of luck!
  4. Day 41 Thanks @Alexanderle and @Ikar. I really appreciate you took the time to respond. The things you are saying make good sense to me. I decided to stick to the forums at least for the detox period of 90 days. Actually I think it might be a smart idea to extend the 90 day detox with maybe 2 or 3 more months. Because it feels a bit like I am cheating. One of the reasons my detox goes so well for sure is the fact I am traveling. In one month I will be back home. And then there are just a few weeks of detox left. Back at home, the grind of my daily life will make it much easier to fall for addictive behavior. While traveling, I have lots of nice activities. We have been snorkeling, diving, going out for diner and listen to music. My mind is very calm lately. Thoughts and emotions come and go. Every time I worry I realize that my mind is trying to solve future problems in order to enjoy or be comfortable here and now. That makes worrying in itself a very simple reminder to actually be here and now. I take good care of myself, I am eating healthy and doing some exercise. It would be so nice to maintain this mindset, even when I go back home and when I am busy working. Because, this is what life is supposed to be like right? To be calm, relaxed, and happy. At one hand I try to come up with strategies to stay calm and happy in the future. At the other hand I know that both ends of the sword are a part of the game (don't know if that is a legit saying but whatever). I will decide later if I am extending my detox. I think it is a really smart thing to do. There is just one reason I would want to be playing games when I come back from travelling. And that is to play New Super Mario Brothers with my 8 year old nephew. Maybe I can make an exception just for that... Right now, I am just going to enjoy my time traveling as much as I can. In one month I will be back, and time seems to fly. So good luck to everyone, and see you soon 😉
  5. Day 34 @Alexanderle Thanks. Yes you are right. I should be doing this for myself. Still it is nice to get some feedback from time to time. But like you said giving and encouraging others is key to participation. To be honest, another reason I questioned the "liveliness" on this forum is that I feel like I am entering a tipping point in this journey. I feel like not gaming is going to be easy from here on out. So I was thinking... maybe it is time to quit writing here as my journey continues. Actually this forum helped me a great deal. And I am thankful for that. Just by reading other's stories, and learning about their coping mechanisms. And to see that some of my problems are common among others, and that I am not alone in this... And of course by having a few interactions and messages from other members. So again thanks. But then there are all those old underlying problems coming out to the surface... And do I want to write about that? Not really. Most of the time I am just tired of fighting this big battle in my brain. But... I guess, writing all this here on this forum, makes me more aware of what I am writing. What am I saying? What do I want to say to myself? I'd like to create a positive mindset. So it might be a good idea to continue writing, at least once or twice a week. And visit others in the process. @Ikar exactly, that game is basically using well calculated "gambling" mechanisms to create slightly better chances for players who craft the winning decks and know how to play. Even though I knew about the mechanics, that game just drew me in every time.
  6. Day 30 Cool. Just 60 days left. Is it me or is this forum not very lively? I wonder if someone is still reading my posts. It felt like a big help to have people mirroring my thoughts sometimes. But maybe it does not really matter. Because about gaming, I feel like I am winning this thing. My cravings are actually getting worse, for I have so much time on my hands. And boy, would I love to spend 72 hours non stop of crafting in Factorio. How about a replay on an adventure like Zelda or GTA. I also urge to get back to Hearthstone. For all the cash I spend on that game (it is ridiculous), the card knowledge I got, the fact I ALMOST got to Legend... Oh man... how much I wanted to get to legend, and after that quit the game... That game... is poison. Hearthstone is like a pack of cigarettes. I can't just play one game and the quit. I have to smoke the whole pack, and then buy some more. Can't I just play a few games each day? No, I can't... And I am not going to. Goodbye Hearthstone, you peace of beautiful sh*t. Yes, I want to play games. I feel sad. But in my mind, it has become very simple. I am not going to play games. I rather feel bored, angry, weird, stupid or whatever... it is done.
  7. Hi Talon, just checking up. How are you doing? Hope to see you on the forums.
  8. Day 28 Huge cravings yesterday. Instead I watched a few of Cams videos. I also watched a motivational speech from Arnold Schwarzenegger. And one from Tony Robins. They are really big on the fact you need an ultimate goal in your life and "work your ass of". Most of the time, it is a bit hard to take those guys seriously. They lived life over the top. But when watching such videos, I sometimes get excited about their message. I then fantasize about striving forward to an ultimate goal, bearing all the hardships and then overcome and excel. But I guess that's not me... Like I mentioned earlier, with this power mentality I easily set a trap for myself. It might be better to live life by the day, surely set goals, but not to get attached to my dreams... Or is this wrong? Am I holding myself back? Should I listen to Arnold Schwarzenegger 🙂 and work my ass of? Is that the only way to live a fulfilled life? The only way to feel accomplishment, and feel complete, to do everything in my power to fulfill my dreams? Thoughts on this are much appreciated.
  9. Day 26 I've noticed I am playing more guitar. It is nice, it does not feel like something I have to put much effort or discipline in to. I just pick up the guitar when I feel like it. I also start watching lessons on Youtube on how to play Jazz scales, and I really feel like learning some new skills. When I am back from traveling I will be searching for people to play music together. It would be awesome to feel like I do not need any discipline for anything. The word discipline has a heavy load attached to it. It feels like I have to do so much things to improve my life but I am simply to lazy to do it. But now that I am playing more guitar on autopilot, I can imagine that I can change my habits without struggling forever. Maybe discipline is especially needed in the process of forming your new self, until it becomes a habit. I even remember that I used to hate doing the dishes. Until it became a habit. I am also thinking about the fact that I have to grand myself the time I need to shape my life how I want it. Usually I am in a constant hurry. It feels like everything I am doing I should do as quick and effectively as possible. Especially on my age, it feels like I should be in a hurry, because every minute counts, and I have still have so much to do, experience, and learn before it is too late. This attitude does not help me at all. Being in a constant rush makes me feel like nothing is ever enough. And that is a feeling I need to escape from time to time, doing so by gaming. So I will just decide, that I have time. Time is on my side. It is also the most precious thing I have. I am going to take it slowly, and really think about how I want my life to be. I am not going to rush in to a new career, or fill my agenda completely with external goals. I am not going to say yes to everyone or every opportunity. Where do I want to be in 1, 2 or 5 years? What will my days look like. I hope they are filled with music and creativity. I do not care if I end up poor. Weekly goals Sports 3 x a week (climbing and running) Mixing: Create something new or play around Learn some Jazz basics
  10. Of course you will be thinking about gaming. But the next time you are bored, and have not gamed for x days, you will thinking about gaming a bit less. And after that when you are bored, you will be thinking even less about gaming, until it left your system and you start having creative thoughts (inspiration) on your own. Keep up the good work and good luck on your exams.
  11. Good to hear you are confident you are not gaming for the 90 day period. It may sound weird, but it might even be a good thing to be bored out of your mind from time to time. I mean, it is a good thing to have new "to go" activities to change your habits that fits your lifestyle. And you should definitely keep looking for fun and meaningful things to do. But if you are also able to overcome boredom, without relapsing, keeping your confidence, I think that is a victory in itself. Boredom can eventually even be helpful to get really inspired to do something new.
  12. Day 22 It is time to set some goals to change my habits. Time is easily consumed by random events. I am at one hand afraid that if I start planning towards goals, I will lose my sense of adventure. I like it when I feel free and experience whatever comes my way. But I believe those things can exist together nonetheless: setting goals, and having random adventures. I would like to be able to express myself more. I want to create things and collaborate. I want to engage in creative projects. And I want to have a relaxing lifestyle where I can combine creativity with socializing and friendly sessions. Like, playing in a band, but also jamming from time to time in the park. And learning to draw better, and working and collaborating with others at co-working spaces. Also, I would like to be able to take society a bit less seriously and feel less pressured to "be the best" or to "raise the bar". This attitude works for a lot of people, but I think I need to take myself and my life a bit less seriously. I'd like to find a way to be less anxious, and have more fun doing what I am doing. For that, I should allow myself to fail. Still, I don't exactly know what that means. I'm on a long journey to find a rhythm that suits me. At one hand I want to excel and do something useful and do something I can truly believe in. At the other hand I just want to relax, have fun, not having too much complications or responsibilities. Is there a way to rhyme both worlds? Weekly Goals Sports: 3 - 4 x a week (running and climbing) Music: start playing around with composition software Business: take steps to be more socially active
  13. Nice dude, you made some really inspiring progress throughout your journal here. And already on day 73. Keep up the good work.
  14. Day 20 I am starting to feel a bit better about myself. And I am starting to see and think more clearly. I wonder how much it actually has to do with changing my gaming habits. For now, I am not sure where I stand exactly. I felt pretty lost. Now that I feel better I try not to expect to spiral upwards from here on out. I try to be realistic and I am still convincing myself of setting myself up for success in a long term strategy that's build on patience and commitment. In my mind, my life has been a summary of everything that went wrong. It is a list of failures. All the time that I wasted, the opportunities not taken, the friendships broken, the experienced missed and the music not played. As a result, I keep on telling myself that it is not too late. I can do it. Until I fail again. Now that I am 36 years old. I have to see myself and what I have become for what it is. I have to face the truth. Yes, I have regrets... I could have done so much more. I kept myself very small. But like I am saying goodbye to games, its also time to say goodbye to my old self. Its time to say goodbye to the one that I wanted to be, and embrace who I am now. With that its even a good thing to give up on my dreams, for I tend to dwell in the past. Surely, I may, dream... I am a dreamer (so good luck stopping that). But how about this: lets just start doing things today, live by the day, don't raise the bar too high and try to keep a calm mind. Have patience. Do something good every day. And stop using your dreams as a way of measuring yourself to a version that you are yet to become.
  15. Day 18 @Ikar that’s true. Thanks for your input. I think that is a really clever way of putting it. For a part that counts for me too. I am tending to seek never ending wisdom in a lot of books and articles. At the other hand, as a human being you’re never finished developing. So to read and talk about the inner self from time to time is a good practice to keep yourself sane and to be in touch with others. As long as you don’t overdo it and making it a way of removing yourself from your goals like you are saying. In general thinks look pretty bright. The weekends here are really nice. Not craving any games... I did lots of talking, jamming, hiking and chilling. I am going to keep it up and give myself permission to believe in a better and more balanced way of thinking. I am grateful that I feel good.
  16. Day 15 Thanks @Xgamer I play guitar and piano. And I used to create tons of compositions in Ableton. Mostly instrumental but I also used a lot of synths and sometimes virtual orchestras. Feels like a lifetime ago. I just wonder... is it even possible start thinking positively ever again? How much have I read, watched, talked and listened on this subject? And for how long are my thoughts intoxicated with negativity? Some people say you should never give in to negativity. Some say you should not tolerate anything, because what you tolerate you will worry about. Some say you should accept everything that is your reality, or accept that negative thoughts will always be there, just accept them, be friendly about them and then ignore them. Some say that every negative thought is an invitation to turn it around and make it in to something better. Some say you should turn every thought in to something tangible. So there are a lot of contradictions on how to approach negativity. Some say you need to take action, and your thoughts will follow, and not the other way around. I guess everybody has to find its own personal way. But right now, this strategy seems fitting for me. As I am able to overthink, read, and overthink again like a pro. Its simply time to take action... no matter what I think or how I feel. It's easier said then done. Or is it?
  17. Phew, you must have been feeling really frustrated at the time of writing. I hope you feel a bit of relief after writing this down? I recognize thinking about cons and pros. For me the real danger is when I stop thinking about it at all and just "give in to the moment". All I can say is keep it up. Give this strategy a chance. Your almost at half of the detox.
  18. Great idea! I’m proud of how me and my girlfriend are traveling together. How we talk and listen to each other. That I am getting more honest in work related situations. That I started to run again (at least a few times). And of course that I quit gaming and joined this forum.
  19. Day 14 Yesterday I went out to a few bars. Got pretty drunk. Today has been a day of watching movies. Sitting around doing not much. Escaping my life a little bit. It feels like there is a mantra looping in my head that is saying: how do I make the best of my life? How do I get happy? Those thoughts are with me most of the time, for a looong time already. I constantly think like that and it rarely leaves me alone. Even when I'm busy its those thoughts are like a buzz on the background. I'll play with those thoughts and reinvent them in every possible way. I am always making strategies on how to live my life, how to work, travel, socialize work out, make music and how to have pleasure, fulfillment and excitement. I rarely feel like I am doing a good job on any of those subjects. I do not want this journal to become on big complaint about my life. Although it might be good to write down the reality I am experiencing, I do want to believe in progress, I do want to change. So I will come back here from time to time, and promise myself to be patient. That I will commit on doing good. Become a more healthy person. I will read other peoples journeys and be inspired. Most of us are here not only to quit gaming, but also to better ourselves and live a happier live. Today might not be a day to be proud of. But it is nice to rest a bit. And well... lets just try to be positive. Tomorrow there is another day.
  20. Hi Xgamer, it is good to see that you overcame the craving of gaming on a stormy day. Not playing for over a month is a really nice progress. Keep it up! Are you still using you chart? With kind regards, Tomas.
  21. Day 13 Almost 2 weeks without gaming. I probably had moments in my life before where I did not game for several weeks. The difference is that I would always come back to it in a dull moment. And now I decided not to. I am going to take control of how I am spending my time. Gaming is still on top of mind, and it intertwines with a lot of other thoughts on decisions I will make in my life. Thanks @Erik2.0 for your reply. I checked out a bit of Icandothis her story. And yes that is inspiring. I too feel a positive change in me happening. Maybe, for the first time in my life I now know and realize that I need commitment, and patience. I need to be thinking long term. I feel like I am willing to do my best and do good every day, even when I feel like crap. When I went climbing this weekend, I felt really frustrated. I used to be able to lead climb at least most of the easier routes. But when we entered the climbing area, I felt every climb was way over my head. There was not a single route I could complete, well just one... But I did not lead climb any of them. So there I stood with all my gear and equipment, nervous to go up, and failing to do so independently. It felt like I made a complete fool out of myself. Luckily there were some very friendly people who helped us out by lead climbing a few routes which we could then use on top rope (so they attached the rope for us). They were also very gently telling us that every new start is hard, especially when you did not practice for a while. Even though I felt like an complete loser that day, I told myself: at least you tried... keep it up, and do some good in every day. I then realized something equally important. Yes, I am going to feel better again. There will be a time when I wake up, I feel inspired and full of joy. But... Whenever that occurs, I tend to fall back in bad habits. I then enjoy life so much that I allow myself to party a bit more, to drink more, to sleep less, and to do whatever I want which includes gaming... So this is a big difference that occurred in my thoughts as I stopped gaming. Instead of needing to take action right now, stop gaming, fix my life quickly. I am starting to see more clearly that I need commitment and patience over time. No matter how I feel.
  22. Day 10 I dreamed again about Hearthstone. I was travelling and mentioning how I almost got to legend to another traveling woman. She told me that she met her boyfriend while traveling and playing Hearthstone. She said everybody was looking down on their lifestyle, but she enjoyed it. Then (still in my dream) I had huge cravings, and I started to plan secret gaming moments. When I woke up I thought it was a bit silly. But I think this is a good reminder of how strong cravings can actually get. Today I will be travelling. In the weekend I am going rock climbing. I'm looking forward to it and against it. I am not in shape as I used to be... Not gaming is going to be easy. Actually, all this time it has been pretty easy. I think the hardest part is to make something of my life in the process, and to not let myself down, or believe its all for nothing because I feel like crap all the time. I am really looking forward to the day that I wake up and feel like it, that I feel more confident about myself, and that I am not overthinking too much, and that I am able to laugh about others and about myself a lot. But maybe that is a little too much to ask. So lets just continue as where I am today and keep up the good work. Good luck to everybody.
  23. Well if you want to practice your Dutch skills in writing, you can send me a message anytime!
  24. Hi Bryan, good too see you got back on your journey of no gaming. Don't be too hard on yourself. Approach this whole thing with a calm mind, and make the decision. Really commit to the decision, and do so on a friendly way 🙂 Good luck. You can do this.
  25. Day 9 Thanks @WhatAboutToday? for your reply. I really appreciate it. Although at one hand I want to give myself some slack, at the other hand I want to reshape my life in the most positive way. And watching movies most of my nights is not a very inspiring way to continue. I should look at this moment in my life and see it as an opportunity to exchange my habits for activities that I consciously choose. To be honest, I think I am really frightened that I will not succeed, enjoy and thus continue doing the things I want to do. I used to love making music, it was a passion. Until it disappeared. I quit making music because I raised the bar to high. I expected too much of myself. So nowadays I am a bit hesitant to push myself because I am afraid I will kill the things I love. So there seems to be a complicated balance to be find. At one hand you just want to enjoy the stuff you do. At the other hand you need discipline to be able to enjoy, or actually do the things you want to. But within disciplinary behavior there is the likeliness to stop the things you enjoy because of setting goals to high? Maybe I am over thinking this subject. Probably it is best to stick with the plan. And give my new go to activities a chance, trying not to think too much about it... But if anyone has a thought on the matter I most appreciate it. Today I will be working on my projects Lets read at least one chapter in Respawn (yesterday I did not) I really really have to plan for my next traveling destination