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Alexanderle

Trust the process...

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Yeah today is my first day of my 90 day detox and my energy levels are terrible and I feel awful. I really hope time will cause this feeling to pass. Also all my friends were online so I am feeling pretty lonely right now. Hope things get better for you as well.

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@Amphibian220 i am still sitting home a lot alone. right now ofc it is all clean and nice and I am working hard for university. but whenever I had a sense of feeling lonely I could just start discird and play some games wirh online friends. Now not having this thing anymore there is just this emptiness. Evebtually I will force myself to leave the house more often but it is difficult for me.

also deleting facebook takes away another opportunity to stuff the hole with meaningless convos about meaningless thibgs with random people. 

I know that this is all the right way to go. It is just quite hard for me at certain moments. also right now I have not a lot of conversations going on whatsapp. So yeah that is the emptiness I was referring to. 

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@Jordan2020 Yeah I feel you. I think it is just important to stick to it and to not give up. For me having something to focus one like university and the idea of self improvement helps me a ton. So yeah it is good to know that i am not alone with this. And I wish you also mental power and self discipline to keep going. ?

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Right now, everything is going alright. I am here with my family having an amazing christmas time. I am organized, I help out where I can and they keep being amazed, how much I have changed. It is just so much more fun. I am really not thinking about games or anything. And of course I try to work as much for university in between. I'd wish to have more time for that, but I guess it is ok around Christmas not to work like a highend machine. ^^

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The new year is almost on its way. I am quite excited and thought about my new year resolutions. Luckily enough, it is not about loosing weight or eating healthy, since this was my resolution the last year kinda and I stayed commited. So this year, my plans are the following:

1. Get more self confidence: Not only crucial for success in basically every area, I just don't want to be a slave of my anxiety anymore.

2. Get out of the house more often. My plan right now will be something that I will leave the house at least once a week to go somewhere, maybe the library or something in order to work there. I also plan to go to the sauna once a week. I have the option to do that for free, but so far I just did not go because I had stupid anxieties and weird scenarios in my head. ? My plan is also to incorporate some social activities. Not sure yet, what exactely that is going to be.

3. Figure out my goals: I am not sure yet, what kind of master is the right choice for me and what plans might suit me the best. I am already incredibly driven and hard working, but I need a plan. This will make it so much easier. Right now, I feel like a rat trying to escape the maze. I sensed some fresh air somewhere around the walls and this made me energized and crazy, but I am still in the maze.

4. Try to not assume the worst, when I see or talk with other people. My stupid thoughts wre always in my way.

So yeah, those are my resolutions. May seem like a lot, but it is not in my opinion, since all of them are interconnected a bit and are therefore one piece of a bigger whole. And since I learned this year that I have no problem to make several changes at once, I am confident enough to deal with several different new year resolutions in 2020. I am ready to start the new decade with a big boom. This will be my decade!!!

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Everything is going alright so far. I am productive. My diet is going back to normal (have eaten a bit too much the last days, no sugar though). I also found a nice website called socialpronow.com, which provides good information for the social code etc. Will look into it the next couple of days to improve myself.

Some weak point: I have to conduct a little study for university and need two participants for that. I am trying to rush it today or tomorrow, because I am still at my family home and I don't really know, who else to ask, when I am back in the city, where I study. Kinda a bad feeling, not really knowing, who to ask for. So many people seem to have no problem with asking friends. I struggle a bit with that. Another proof that I have to change something.

Good news: I am finally at this point, where I am playing less games than my older sister. She regularly plays some candy crush clone type of game on her smartphone. Such a time waster. In the meantime, I just keep working and doing useful things. Feels very good and encouraging.

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Ask man! Just ask!

tell you what, a guy came up to me once and went “excuse me, do you have a minute?” (Very shy) He was irritating from the get go. “Man what do you want, just get to it!” I said

another time I was at the airport, some tourist from China came up and straight to the deal went “my phone’s dead, can you dial my friend for me?”

“of course!” I went

pay attention to how busy the person may be etc. and how much introduction he needs. But never make it longer thsn it has to be

Edited by Amphibian220

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Wow, this website socialpronow turns out to be a real gamechanger. I can highly recommend everyone to try it out. There is a free emailtraining, absolutely free, and I already learned some big things and was capable to apply it. Today I decided to go into the sauna as a visitor (I work there). It was the very first time and I actually had some fun with it. Smalltalk was a lot easier than it just to be and overall this was a real success. I am motivated to keep improving myself.

However, my diet was a bit weird today. All the sudden I needed some carbs and eat some bread with honey. This usually does not happen. Tomorrow no bread for me I guess. I keep my strict eating schedule. There is no going back.

Another weird thing was like yesterday that I was listening to some hitman bloodmoney music with spotify. This song actually made me aggressive and I literally wanted to kill people like I did virtually. This is insane. Maybe, I also have to stop listening to gaming music.

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My production has been gone a little bit down the last days. I also needed some additional sleep. But now I feel pretty good and everything is doable so far. Good news are that the website that helps me regarding social skills makes everything so much easier. I already learned more in a couple of days than in years. The best part: I actually have a date on monday. Did not expect that to be happening that soon, but I´ll take it. Overall, this year started quite well.

 

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@Alexanderle, 

You have reiterated in some posts you need to identify social activities to get out of the house more.

I had an issue during my undergraduate study of being nervous when speaking to people. That also meant that when someone behaved rudely, I avoided them instead of confronting. 

I tried to fill up time with things like football, jogging (less communication). What you are doing better than me is you are tackling that issue, whereas I just avoided it. Wish you all the best.

Recently I started standing my ground, which made me feel really good. Hope to get more communication skills including conflict management.

Edited by Amphibian220

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@Amphibian220

I could maybe recommend the website socialpronow.com. It is a dude who also struggled with social problems and now helps other people. There is a free email newsletter training. Quite regularly, you will get an email regarding many interesting things. I learned how to reduce my social anxiety, how to have better small talk. Really everything. It is so good. And it is for free!!! I heavily recommend it. You have nothing to loose. I mean at least it is really helping me right now. Maybe it will also help you. 🙂 
But it really sounds like you are also getting better and progress. We will reach all our goals man. xD

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Will give it a try today. 

Keep doing what you are doing because your daily reports are indicating recovery!

Stay away from music. Be on the lookout and ambush your enemies laziness and boredom.

I’d vote you the game quitter of the month.

Edited by Amphibian220
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I had a date with a woman yesterday. She is a bit older than me, which is actually interesting. Always wanted to do that. But I am not sure regarding relationship, as we do not have that much in common and I see it more from a casual perspective right now. However, we kissed in the end a bit, which was very nice. I guess I need some time to think about that.

Today, I was completely tired, too much things ran to my mind. I actually dreamed about that a relationship would be a failure. So I gues, I might already have my answer about that. 😕 But I never want to hurt anyone. So this is a tough scenario.

But after a couple of hours I got a little motivation boost and now I will work a bit more. My exams are coming.

 

The next couple of days I expect my Steam account to be finally deleted. Will be weird to not find it anymore on the internet. But there is no going back. With still gaming, I would not be where I am right now. So I have to move big time.

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It has happened. My steam account was deleted today. I am not stoppable. I have kinda figured out, what kind of master program I want to follow. Took me a while to make a good decision on that one. On saturday, I have the chance to go to a party with my date from monday and two of her friends. I am still uncertain about relationship stuff. But for now, I will stay with the flow. See what exactly happens. I have nothing to loose for now. Whenever there is an opportunity to leave my comfort zone, I will take it. I don't really care anymore. I am afraid of that party. But that was my old self. I killed it the last couple of weeks and months. The sky is the limit.

Yet I still don't want to hurt other people. I am starting to understand that the most important thing is to take care about yourself so much that you are than capable to give the positive vibes to other people. If  make a mistake or fuck it up, who cares. Everyone else is only concerned about not fucking up as well. So here we go!

This was kinda nice, giving me a pep talk myself. 😄

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Great job deleting your steam account. Mine is well out of my reach, but it is honestly something I should do. Good luck on your date! Like you said, take it easy and see what happens. 🙂

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@ElectroNugget Thanks for the words. 🙂 Yeah it makes me a bit anxious obviously. I literally feel the pain of rejection, something new and well, just everything. But I guess, that it is something that I should do now. Plain simple! And yeah, you really should delete that steam account. I mean, you don't need it anymore. And it is a little victory in itself. Something to be proud of. 🙂 

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I had some exams today. I worked so fucking hard for it. But I guess it was alright. Should have passed it. Since this kind of topic is not the topic, I will have in my master, I do not really care that much. But it was a good feeling to having learned very hard. I know that not everything is correct. But I still worked very hard and now looking back at the whole process. I feel still very motivated. Next week I have another exam. Tomorrow, I will have another very great working session. I am planning to actually make a to do list for tomorrow. I really don't care to do everything on that list. I am just courious to see, how much. Maybe I will later write it in this journal. So there will be no way for me to cheat. Like a little fake and biased experiment. 😄 

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My plan for tomorrow:

Waking up at 5.30. 

Ready at  6.30

Breakfast 

Reading a bit for programming like at least one chapter

break

reading another chapter

break

a bit of yoga

reading in my newly acquired book for my sauna job

finishing the last chapter of the programming book.

working out 

doing something new, what I have never done so far.

 

So here I have around 10 things for tomorrow. I can easily assess my success rate. Lets see what happens.

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16 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

My plan for tomorrow:

Waking up at 5.30. 

Ready at  6.30

Breakfast 

Reading a bit for programming like at least one chapter

break

reading another chapter

break

a bit of yoga

reading in my newly acquired book for my sauna job

finishing the last chapter of the programming book.

working out 

doing something new, what I have never done so far.

 

So here I have around 10 things for tomorrow. I can easily assess my success rate. Lets see what happens.

Wow, looks like you've got quite a good list of interests and things to keep you busy. I know that was really hard for me at the start and still can be quite challenging. I tend to stay online too much because of that. I bought some books but I have barley touched them. I haven''t read a book in almost 12 years, at least not fully. But great job, and yoga too! Awesome! I really want to get into that myself. I think you're doing well, keep it up. 😆

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@Sashiku regarding yoga. I tried that out like a couple of weeks ago and I really feel a lot better after it. The two things I try to do is working out or yoga. There are a ton of cool channels on youtube. But at some point, I want to do a real course. I saw one at my university, my plan is to check that out. Have to sign up in the next couple of days I think. Another great way to socialize I guess. And thank you of course for passing by 😄
 

Regarding books, I always said that it was because I have so much to read for university, but I think that gaming and the cognitive overload it causes is a huge reason for that as well. So yeah, but I think it slowly gets a tiny bit better. At least I am not totally falling asleep when reading something. It was always like that before.

The programming is just one course, I have to do for my studies. I don't think that I will continue to program after that, but it was an interesting insight into really another world. 🙂 

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Oh cool. 🙂 Joining a class would be great.

Yep, same for me. My best friend says you have reading stamina and it takes a while to build it up, just like physical stamina.

Ah, well, learning is nice even if you don't use it much. I took some courses in Japanese in college. Don't use it at all really but it was intriguing.

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