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Icandothis journal


Icandothis
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Together we rise. I don’t even recognize the person I was just a year ago. I have come so far... we all have. 
 

On a personal note: this is the first time I have had a journal on a public forum. I have been noticing some trends in my posts - that reflect the timing of my cycles during the month. I am becoming more aware of this... and observing my thoughts and emotions during these intense cycles. 
 

Also, I have been updating my LinkedIn account. Reconnecting with people from college and previous jobs. It’s great to catch up with everyone and see how they have been. 
 

Thank you for listening. Have a beautiful day. 

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Yesterday was a hard day. I left yesterday morning without grounding myself. I do this every morning in many ways, prayer, meditation, deep breathing, chanting, a bit of yoga. 
 

But yesterday I did not. I went to my morning appointment and then later I went to speak with a social worker. I just going to say this.... men treat me a lot better then women do. My last visit with a social worker was great, he provided me with resources, listened to me, gave me assistance. 
 

This lady was awful. She kept interrogating me, shaking her head, rolling her eyes, giving me deep sighs. And then after that 1 hour long visit, she sent me to another lady who was just as rude. Gave me some family stability assessment... but then she said she could not help with areas of need, she could only identify them.  I just told her I don’t need someone else to point out where need help, but not actually be able to help me. 
 

The whole thing just threw me off. I came home and started crying. This is another reminder for me that before I go out in the morning, I need to fill myself up emotionally first. Gain strength from a source of peace and joy.  Prioritize meeting with God before I meet with the world. 
 

Everything is still up in the air and that is ok. It’s funny on LinkedIn most of my contacts are male... they have just been the ones to accept my requests. 
 

So I have been noticing... when do I feel expansive and joyful and when do I feel contraction and fear. This document really helps me.  I am not sure if it will upload correctly, but basically shows the window of tolerance for where I need to be in order to connect, grow and be joyful. 
 

If I become unregulated due to, in my case fear, shame or a trauma trigger... I immediately shut down, I want to isolate, numb and dissociate. It will take me about an hour to become regulated again. 
 

I have been told, the objective is not to avoid being triggered, but to increase my window of tolerance as to what makes be become unregulated, through self care, compassion, yoga and loving kindness. 
 

I am growing, and it’s scary and it will probably forever be scary. I remind the scared part of myself that we are safe. And we are ok. And we are loved. Instead of hiding from the feeling of pain and loneliness, I lean into it... towards the feeling.  

Everything comes in waves and that is ok. I am learning, growing and noticing. And if you are still here... thank you for listening!!!  You are a beautiful being.  Talk soon. 

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Setting boundaries and keeping them is hard for me. Today I grounded myself and am showing up.

 

More job opportunities are coming my way. Everything is happening so fast. There is a job that offers daycare. There is a job that suits my background in the health care industry/ corporate finance. But I am waiting for interviews.


My partner is acting like the victim as always. I cannot wait until this is over. I read so many on here wanting a relationship... please just make sure it’s with a healthy person. 
 

Hold the vision. Slowly everything is changing. Thank you for listening. 

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I wanted to respond earlier, but didn't have time to process my thoughts properly. I also wanted to avoid extending a topic regarding your comment about women treating you differently than men. I won't comment on it, but understand in certain circumstances.

Just make sure you're staying in the right mindset and doing what you need to do to be that way. It might be yoga or prayer for you. Just keep it up as a strong habit so you always ground yourself and make the right decisions. Some days will suck and some days will be excellent, but you can provide a firm base for yourself to succeed by staying the course with your grounding behaviors.

2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I cannot wait until this is over. I read so many on here wanting a relationship... please just make sure it’s with a healthy person. 

I agree completely with the relationship advice. After watching my parents, friends, other couples, and random people I have observed I am often overcome with an insidious feeling of hatred and disgust for at least one of the people in that couple if not both. Many relationships are so sour. That's why I'm so vigilant and imperative about finding the correct woman for me. I put so much pressure on it and I don't care. There are so many fake people out there who manipulate you that you have to be sure you're not getting fucked by them. It has hardened me over the years and I've made it almost impossible to let people in to a major fault. That's something I'm working on regressing, but this isn't about me, it's about you. So long story short, I agree. Just keep an eye out for the right one as you progress.

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10 hours ago, Icandothis said:

My partner is acting like the victim as always. I cannot wait until this is over. I read so many on here wanting a relationship... please just make sure it’s with a healthy person. 

I'll try. The only way to achieve that is to keep working on myself though, so that I am reasonably healthy myself. Like attracts like!

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree completely with the relationship advice. After watching my parents, friends, other couples, and random people I have observed I am often overcome with an insidious feeling of hatred and disgust for at least one of the people in that couple if not both. Many relationships are so sour. That's why I'm so vigilant and imperative about finding the correct woman for me. I put so much pressure on it and I don't care. There are so many fake people out there who manipulate you that you have to be sure you're not getting fucked by them. It has hardened me over the years and I've made it almost impossible to let people in to a major fault. That's something I'm working on regressing, but this isn't about me, it's about you. So long story short, I agree. Just keep an eye out for the right one as you progress.

I feel emotions towards certain people people indicating that I wouldn't like to be around as well, although it is initially just detachment/apathy. To let it turn to disdain generally means that I consciously tried for too long and too hard to make the relationship with them work.

I think if one lives with the correct axioms, they are very difficult to manipulate, because these axioms take such a long time and constant practice to build up that they'll see right through most people who try to compromise them. I think it's mostly easy to spot, because I think very few people are full-on conscious manipulators/sociopaths. Most people do the shitty things they do simply because they do not know better or do not try to get better, so they do it unconsciously.

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Thank you for your comments. 
 

Being raw on here helps me recognize patterns and cycles. One thing I have noticed is I can never commit to anything I say. I am really good at getting rid of things in my life.... but not good at keeping with a habit. 
 

I have noticed on my journal where I say ,” I will do yoga everyday!” Or , “ I will do chanting everyday!” Or, “ I will pray everyday”.  
 

I do a routine for 3 days and then I feel good, and then I drop it for 2 days and feel crappy. Then I pick up for 3 days and feel good and then feel crappy again. This is BS. What is blocking me from committing to these lifestyle changes? What am I missing?  
 

I know I am supposed to have compassion for myself.  And be gentle. But I also want to affect change. 
 

So today. Day 1 of cold showers. 
 

If anyone has advice on keeping habits, please share. I am deeply grateful. 
 

Also, I am processing the above comments and will post in a bit. It’s the introvert in me. 
 

Thank you for holding space for me again and again and again.

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I think keeping track of the habit is effective. Also not adding very many at a time. I've found creating a 'counter' on here and updating everyday is really helpful for keeping a habit. Just look at the first line of my journal or @DaBest journal.

I love that window of tolerance handout. Is there a printable version of it I could have?

 

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4 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I think keeping track of the habit is effective. Also not adding very many at a time. I've found creating a 'counter' on here and updating everyday is really helpful for keeping a habit. Just look at the first line of my journal or @DaBest journal.

I love that window of tolerance handout. Is there a printable version of it I could have?

 

Hi!

 

I would just search “polyvagal” theory and a bunch of images pop up. Thank you for being here and your support. 

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22 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'll try. The only way to achieve that is to keep working on myself though, so that I am reasonably healthy myself. Like attracts like!

I feel emotions towards certain people people indicating that I wouldn't like to be around as well, although it is initially just detachment/apathy. To let it turn to disdain generally means that I consciously tried for too long and too hard to make the relationship with them work.

I think if one lives with the correct axioms, they are very difficult to manipulate, because these axioms take such a long time and constant practice to build up that they'll see right through most people who try to compromise them. I think it's mostly easy to spot, because I think very few people are full-on conscious manipulators/sociopaths. Most people do the shitty things they do simply because they do not know better or do not try to get better, so they do it unconsciously.

Hi!

 

I am glad you are so emotionally and mentally healthy at such a young age. It’s true what you say about like attracting like. And to be honest when I first met my partner , I had zero self awareness. But then when he left me, my ego cracked... and I experienced a tremendous amount of growth. 
 

When he came back... I saw how very different we were. 
 

Your comment resonates very deeply. Thank you for being here. 

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On 2/6/2020 at 3:17 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I wanted to respond earlier, but didn't have time to process my thoughts properly. I also wanted to avoid extending a topic regarding your comment about women treating you differently than men. I won't comment on it, but understand in certain circumstances.

Just make sure you're staying in the right mindset and doing what you need to do to be that way. It might be yoga or prayer for you. Just keep it up as a strong habit so you always ground yourself and make the right decisions. Some days will suck and some days will be excellent, but you can provide a firm base for yourself to succeed by staying the course with your grounding behaviors.

I agree completely with the relationship advice. After watching my parents, friends, other couples, and random people I have observed I am often overcome with an insidious feeling of hatred and disgust for at least one of the people in that couple if not both. Many relationships are so sour. That's why I'm so vigilant and imperative about finding the correct woman for me. I put so much pressure on it and I don't care. There are so many fake people out there who manipulate you that you have to be sure you're not getting fucked by them. It has hardened me over the years and I've made it almost impossible to let people in to a major fault. That's something I'm working on regressing, but this isn't about me, it's about you. So long story short, I agree. Just keep an eye out for the right one as you progress.

Hi!! Thank you deeply as always for your comment. I feel as if our stories are very similar and that is why we relate so well. 
 

I think one thing that is very important and often overlooked is that relationships should build slowly. The beginning phase is filled with infatuation and all the bonding hormones. After all this has worn off do you see a person truly. How you communicate what their core values are. A sense of how they treat others, are they responsible.... The list goes on. 
 

Yes I am still thinking about the male/female dynamic. Was I having a bad day and projecting onto them? Were they having a bad day? I sent good intentions to both of them. This is symbolic of an underlying issue, where I just don’t see women supporting other women. 
 

Although today I felt very supported my a number of women I had interactions with. So maybe it was within that setting of a government funded office, ... I digress. 
 

We can only control ourselves. Thank you as always for seeing me. You are a beautiful person. 

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!

 

I am glad you are so emotionally and mentally healthy at such a young age. It’s true what you say about like attracting like. And to be honest when I first met my partner , I had zero self awareness. But then when he left me, my ego cracked... and I experienced a tremendous amount of growth. 
 

When he came back... I saw how very different we were. 
 

Your comment resonates very deeply. Thank you for being here. 

It cost me basically everything I thought I had before I came here, but now I realize it wasn't that much to begin with anyway. I can definitely see the cracked ego as well.

I was thinking of getting back with my ex as well. But after quitting games I realized I need to hold myself to higher standards and I started thinking more clearly. I started setting up conditions under which the relationship (or any relationship in the future), as I wanted it, could function.

She was over me by that point though. I realized that in order to get back together, we needed to have the same experience after the breakup, but each of us learnt something different.

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!! Thank you deeply as always for your comment. I feel as if our stories are very similar and that is why we relate so well. 
 

I think one thing that is very important and often overlooked is that relationships should build slowly. The beginning phase is filled with infatuation and all the bonding hormones. After all this has worn off do you see a person truly. How you communicate what their core values are. A sense of how they treat others, are they responsible.... The list goes on.

I agree. I think the principle of "minimum necessary force" should be applied here. If you decide to use sex, the equivalent of a nuclear warhead, as a bonding mechanism after a few weeks (or even days) into the relationship, I think it is almost guaranteed to work in making the relationship work for a while. But only because nobody wants to give up regular sex, which having sex once implies. It is hard to give up a thing that was arguably so great at the beginning, even if it's not as good anymore.

A few days or weeks are unlikely to be sufficient in truly getting to know the other person. But just as we need to fact-check ourselves through diaries and schedules, we need to fact-check other people we want to be close with. It's difficult, but it works.

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12 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!! Thank you deeply as always for your comment. I feel as if our stories are very similar and that is why we relate so well. 
 

I think one thing that is very important and often overlooked is that relationships should build slowly. The beginning phase is filled with infatuation and all the bonding hormones. After all this has worn off do you see a person truly. How you communicate what their core values are. A sense of how they treat others, are they responsible.... The list goes on. 
 

Yes I am still thinking about the male/female dynamic. Was I having a bad day and projecting onto them? Were they having a bad day? I sent good intentions to both of them. This is symbolic of an underlying issue, where I just don’t see women supporting other women. 
 

Although today I felt very supported my a number of women I had interactions with. So maybe it was within that setting of a government funded office, ... I digress. 
 

We can only control ourselves. Thank you as always for seeing me. You are a beautiful person. 

Thank you and so are you.

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On 2/8/2020 at 2:02 AM, Ikar said:

It cost me basically everything I thought I had before I came here, but now I realize it wasn't that much to begin with anyway. I can definitely see the cracked ego as well.

I was thinking of getting back with my ex as well. But after quitting games I realized I need to hold myself to higher standards and I started thinking more clearly. I started setting up conditions under which the relationship (or any relationship in the future), as I wanted it, could function.

She was over me by that point though. I realized that in order to get back together, we needed to have the same experience after the breakup, but each of us learnt something different.

I agree. I think the principle of "minimum necessary force" should be applied here. If you decide to use sex, the equivalent of a nuclear warhead, as a bonding mechanism after a few weeks (or even days) into the relationship, I think it is almost guaranteed to work in making the relationship work for a while. But only because nobody wants to give up regular sex, which having sex once implies. It is hard to give up a thing that was arguably so great at the beginning, even if it's not as good anymore.

A few days or weeks are unlikely to be sufficient in truly getting to know the other person. But just as we need to fact-check ourselves through diaries and schedules, we need to fact-check other people we want to be close with. It's difficult, but it works.

I relate so much to the first paragraph. I had to drop all the labels of wife, home owner, successful, all my identity. To search deeply about who I truly was.

 

I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured.  But you have grown, become resilient and seen what you are capable of. So proud of you. 

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