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Gaming the System 005 - The Link Between Gaming and Depression

Lea

Ninety Days Worth the Pain

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Yo I was actually talking with some of my friends last night and apparently they do make them! not quite as violent as that, but they tip your bed until you fall out LOL

Im actually going to buy the little bed shaker @karabas mentionned

 

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Day 32-37 (February 13th-17th, 2019)

How Are You Feeling?

I had been such a mess these days, from freaking about the problems that I should have known to solve on my own to criticizing myself perhaps way too much.

What Did You Do?

1. I went to college in Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Extra: I went to my appointment with the school counselor at Wednesday and a peer mentor training session at Thursday. At Friday, the day I had to pay my tuition fee, I had to go to the bank to resolve problems with paying my tuition (it is my first time to pay my tuition fee on my own).

2. I was at home at Saturday.

3. My family and I went to church today.

4. My grandmother, Eve, and I went to a mall to buy dumplings, my birthday gifts for my cousins (their birthdays are coming soon), and Eve's phone stand for her car.

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 32nd through 37th days of not playing games or watching YouTube. (H)

- I was helpful to my family at some times. (H)

- I tried my best to pay attention to my classes. (H)

- I was offered to be an in-class peer mentor. (H)

- I didn't stick around with Eve at church (I usually did that before) and instead socialize with my friends. (H)

- I do and catch up with most of my work in school, even math (although not the most recent homework). (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings/use my brain. (L)

- I sort of procrastinate (e.g. mindless surfing). (L)

- I still (try) to handle people like my family to alleviate my problems. (L)

- I am being too afraid to make mistakes. (L)

- I freak out when I face my problems (e.g. paying my tuition and rethinking my degree). (L)

- I forgot to buy a gift for my other cousin (his birthday was a few days ago). (L)

What Can You Do Better Tomorrow/The Next Few Days?

It is pretty similar to the last post. I also can plan on what I can do when I face the problems while my life is not in a frenzy at the moment, because my mind does not work well under pressure.

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It's okay to make mistakes through process. Don't be afraid of that. Or don't be afraid to fail. I failed many times. It's okay. This experience can push you forward. 

success-graph.jpg

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@Lea you are doing well! That's okay if you make mistakes, you learn from them. The ability to think straight under pressure is a skill and you will learn how to do that with practice. Keep going! :)

 

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Don''t try to fix yourself all at once. It's an easy way to be overwhelmed with one's flaws. Focus on one or two things that you can slowly improve on and work on them every day (like this detox). You might be mindlessly browsing, but at least you're not gaming. Fix the gaming first, then focus on other problems.

God rewards according to one's intentions, not one's results. You don't need to be perfect, just have to strive little by little towards perfection 🙂

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@karabas well said, focussing on myself as a flawed being has hurt me a lot. Taking things one at a time is bearable.

Like the old saying, how does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time

 

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10 hours ago, JPAO said:

well said, focussing on myself as a flawed being has hurt me a lot. Taking things one at a time is bearable.

Yep. Your flaws are not you, because flaws can come and go. They're not essential to you & you shouldn't identify with them. If you accept that, then it becomes very easy to get very "tactical" about it: focus on how to eliminate one at a time.

10 hours ago, JPAO said:

Like the old saying, how does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time

 

Never heard that before, but that's awesome!

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On 2/18/2019 at 12:49 AM, Vera said:

@Lea you are doing well! That's okay if you make mistakes, you learn from them. The ability to think straight under pressure is a skill and you will learn how to do that with practice. Keep going! 🙂

 

 

On 2/17/2019 at 11:23 PM, katsudo19 said:

It's okay to make mistakes through process. Don't be afraid of that. Or don't be afraid to fail. I failed many times. It's okay. This experience can push you forward. 

success-graph.jpg

@katsudo19 @Vera @karabas @JPAO Thank you for your encouragements. I have to tell you that I can be perfectionistic at times.

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Day 38-43 (February 18th-23rd, 2019)

How Are You Feeling?

It has been mixed feelings, from drooping sadness to the joys of being happy.

What Did You Do?

1. I went to college like usual from Monday to Friday.*

2. My uncle, my aunt, my cousin, Eve and I went hiking in the mountains. It was tiring, but also rewarding at the same time.

3. Eve and I met up and talked with my aunt's friend's daughter and her friend. We played a board game together before I had math lessons.

4. I did some of my homework for school.

5. I wrote my journal and also checked out some of the journals in the forum.

* Throughout the week: I had been busy with the following activities:

- Dinner with my family for both Monday and Tuesday (because my grandmother and my other uncle would be leaving on Wednesday).

- Peer mentor shift on Tuesday.

- Math test on Wednesday (it is actually easier than I thought).

- Attended an informational session about my destination degree (Bachelor of Architecture) on Thursday.

- Had my Student Leader interview on Friday.

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 38th through 43rd days of not playing games or watching YouTube. (H)

- I was helpful to my family at some times. (H)

- I tried my best to pay attention to my classes. (H)

- I was confident in my Student Leader interview. (H)

- I have the initiative to clean up the living room. (H)

- I also socialize with the people around me. (H)

- I do and catch up with most of my work in school (especially Chemistry because I was so behind a few days ago). (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings/use my brain. (L)

- I procrastinate (e.g. mindless surfing) and I am not aware of my priorities this (Saturday) morning. (L)

- I tend to be greedy about food, even though it was expressed unintentionally. (L)

What Can You Do Better Tomorrow/The Next Few Days?

The next time the weekends are rolling over, I can try my best to resist the urge to look at my phone first thing in the morning because I know that my brain tend to not be used if my eyes are glued to the screen before I pray and get myself ready for the day.

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Day 44-45 (February 24th-25th, 2019)

How Are You Feeling?

Yesterday, I feel sort of down, although I feel much better today despite of my fear in not getting my work done on time (see "What Did You Do?")

What Did You Do?

Feb. 24th

1. My family and I went to church and met up with my other cousin.

2. Eve told me off about me being too attached to gadgets (especially my phone and music). I feel bad and guilty afterwards.

3. I did some of my work from school, albeit unmotivated to do so.

Feb. 25th

1. I went to college, and when I was in Math class, I realized that I haven't do the rest of my assignment that was due today (I did a bit about a week ago).

2. After English class, I rushed to do my Math assignment.

3. I have an assessment task from ICT (you have to create the design for a RDBMS Access file).

4. After ICT class, I finalized my work for Math before submitting to my Math teacher (actually another staff) at the staff room before 2 in the afternoon (I will still get full marks if I turn in before 2 in the afternoon).

5. I cleaned up my study area a bit and did my work for English, Math, and Chemistry.

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 44th and 45th (halfway!) days of not playing games or watching YouTube. (H)

- I tried my best to pay attention to my classes. (H)

- I was confident in socializing with my friends and classmates. (H)

- I have the initiative to clean up my study area a bit. (H)

- I also socialize with the people around me. (H)

- I manage to catch up with all of my subjects. (H)

- I minimize the time of looking at the screen. (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings/use my brain. (L)

- I forgot to do what I am supposed to do (more likely because it is hard for me to move on from my mistakes the day before). (L)

What Can You Do Better Tomorrow/The Next Few Days?

I can continue on minimizing my time looking at my phone and let my mind think of important issues like what I want to be in life and my principles and values. For the last 45 days, I realized that I can not just not use YouTube because apparently my college uses YouTube videos to teach, so I enabled YouTube in my device, but I will still open YouTube that often. So now my goal is to lessen my time spent looking at and my attachment to my phone because my mind tend to wander off to oblivion.

Edited by Lea
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Day 46-56 (February 26th-March 9th, 2019)

Writer's Note

Hello, guys. I feel really lazy writing this post, but I also want to post at the same time, only to not do it until today. So I hope that you have a good day/night.

How Are You Feeling?

Overall, I feel okay, although I feel so down and afraid since a few days ago. I also feel detached and seem out of touch of reality at that time as well. But for now, I am fine.

What Did You Do?

There has been a lot going on in this period of time, so I might forgot some of them and these events are out of order.

1. I did meet up with my cousin, who just arrived to Australia.

2. I ended up not being a Student Leader. (a big bummer)

3. I presented my Chemistry (Research Presentation) and English (Literature Presentation) projects with my respective groups.

4. I had peer mentoring in the Tuesdays. Two days ago, I helped a student with his Literature Presentation and what he had to say during the presentation.

5. Yesterday or two days ago, I slept while doing my homework because I am too tired and sleepy. 😆

6. One of my Chemistry classmates and I did the synthesis of aspirin today.

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 46th to 56th days of not playing games. (H)

- I tried my best to engage in my classes and conversations. (H)

- I was confident in socializing with my friends and classmates, although I remain silent most of the time. (H)

- I had the confidence in my Literature Presentation that I didn't have in my Research Presentation. (H)

- I minimized the time of looking at the screen, and I use my phone only for communication, messaging, and emails. (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings/use my brain. (L)

- I didn't get the Student Leader position. (L)

- I was not doing as well as I wanted to be in presenting my Research Presentation in Chemistry. (Double bummer in that last Thursday)  (L)

- I forgot to do what I am supposed to do (more likely because it is hard for me to move on from my mistakes the day before). (L)

- I found out that I am still struggling with keeping secrets, especially when someone is mad at me. (L)

What Can You Do Better Tomorrow/The Next Few Days?

 About rejections, I think that they should build my character up, not bringing me down the spiral. I feel like God is trying to tell me that I am not fit to be a Student Leader because he wants to humble me and put down my pride. As for confidence, bravery, and freedom, they are good things in themselves, but I should remember that I have limits and certain things that I cannot do.

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16 hours ago, Silverlining said:

It's been a while. How is it going?

It's been great. There are ups and downs. A few days ago have been a valley, but now I am slowly climbing up again. How about you?

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10 hours ago, Lea said:

It's been great. There are ups and downs. A few days ago have been a valley, but now I am slowly climbing up again. How about you?

That's good to know 😄

 

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Day 57-77 (March 10th-29th, 2019)

How Are You Feeling?

Although there are moments in which I can find happiness, this month has been rough for me. Criticism after criticism (both from myself and some others), it has taken away my peace and joy. I even questioned myself if God is always with me.

What Did You Do?

Again, I could not remember what I have done in these nineteen days, so here are what had happened to me so far:

1. I am currently completing my documents to transfer to other universities because of the issues with intake dates (the intake for architecture* is only in February in my university I would be in). I just want to finish my education as soon as possible.

2. I took the math test on probability, and I got okay (although I could have done better).

3. I had peer mentoring in the Tuesdays like usual, although no students came to me during my shift. 

4. Nadia and I worked together for an assignment in ICT class, and we both got a 100! 😄

5. I went to the college counselor for advice to handle pressure, self-criticism, and my phone addiction.

6. I went to church on the Sundays, and last sermon is about God's grace and how it is greater than even the failures of all of us, including mine. It is a matter for us to step out to what God has called for us. It is mainly based on Matthew 14:22-26.

7. I also have bus replacements from Wednesday (this week) to yesterday, meaning I have to get up early because I got morning classes.

8. I did another experiment in Chemistry class today.

* I actually will be studying architecture when I am done with my current studies.

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 57th to 77th (two thirds already!?) days of not playing games. (H)

- I tried my best to engage in my conversations, even I tend to get sidetracked at times. (H)

- I made some initiatives to help others, even though I could do a lot more. (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings, like forgetting my clothes outside. (L)

- I have not gotten over my anxiety, thus using my phone for "comfort" and "relief." (L)

- I have been too critical and negative to myself and my life. (L)

- I sometimes cause misunderstandings when I was talking with my friends. (L)

- I didn't use my time to do what I was supposed to do. Instead, I used it to wallow in self-pity. (L)

- I still have not make decisions decisively. (L)

What Can You Do Better Next Time? Any Take-Away?

Self-pity can be very destructive, even though it is subtle and comforting at times. Constructive criticisms, whilst can be harsh at times, are there not to bring me down (my perspective), but to build me up (the critic's perspective). As I am the type of person who can't think well and about alternatives under pressure, I can think of solutions to current problems and present myself 'what-if' scenarios to reflect on my values, beliefs, and principles in my head.

Edited by Lea

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Day 78-92 (March 30th-April 15th, 2019)

How Are You Feeling?

I feel up and down these days. I feel scared, anxious, and guilty whenever I make mistakes and my family scold me for that, so I turned to phone to relieve them. As a result, I don't care and repeat the same mistakes, feeling the same shame and guilt. On the brighter side, I feel very happy about my grades and about my crush (I actually started a friendship with him).

What Did You Do?

(In No Particular Order)

1. I attended two sermons: one about God's love (last week) and one about God and how He wants us to surrender control to Him (this week). I really like how this week's sermon is because despite of what I have done, God wants to use me in incredible ways when I give Him control.

2. I asked my crush his Instagram account, and we followed each other. I made the first move and he responds! 😍 *

3. I was about to elect for the Indonesian Presidential election, but there were too many people in the queue so I decided not to. (What a bummer!)

4. My family kept on scolding me (I know they meant well for me), but I am frustrated that it's hard for me to overcome my bad habits (e.g. seeking approval and spending time on phone too long).

5. I just finished with my research essay (I actually finished the draft earlier than almost everyone (done it by last Monday)).

6. I did a group task in my Maths class last week, and it was pretty okay.

7. There is a train replacement since last Monday, so I have to wake up at like about 4:45 in the morning.

* See in Bonus

Highs (H) and Lows (L)

- 78th to 92nd days of not playing games. (H)

- I passed the 90-day milestone! 🎊 (H)

- I tried my best to engage in my conversations, even I tend to get sidetracked at times. (H)

- I made some initiatives to help others, even though I could do a lot more. (H)

- I made the first move to approach my crush, even though it is subtle. (H)

- I made good grades so far! (H)

- I am still not quite aware of my surroundings, like . (L)

- I have not gotten over my anxiety, thus using my phone for "comfort" and "relief." (L)

- I have been following Eve, in which she is annoyed about. (L)

- I sometimes cause misunderstandings when I was talking with my friends (in school and church). (L)

- I didn't use my time to do what I was supposed to do. Instead, I used it to waste time browsing the Internet and on phone. (L)

- I still have not make decisions decisively and think of solutions to simple situations. (L)

What Can You Do Better Next Time? Any Take-Away?

Everyone, including me, makes mistakes. I feel pain and I suffer, but that's okay because they are part of a process in who I want to be in life and what kind of individual I want to be. The only problem is that I didn't dare to "fail" and suffer for what I want and I stand for in my life. Reality sucks, but at least with this 90-days detox, I learned that it was not easy to get detached from what I have hold dear. It is not easy for me to get detached from games, but I am still okay, even though I am not because of other things.

Now that I succeeded in my 90-days detox, my next goal is to limit my screen time on phone for two hours and a half minutes (except for calling my family). I would like to see how I would cope without having my phone in my hands for long.

Bonus

I actually move on from my old crush since February, and I am telling you guys now. My recent crush's name is Caleb (not the real name), and he is not just handsome, but he is also a fun, kind, and positive person to hang out with. When I first saw him at the first day of school, I barely noticed him, but something inside is suspicious that there must be a cute guy. And that cute guy turned out to be Caleb. I fell for him from the way he speaks and acts around his friends and teachers. When I first saw his Instagram account, that made me fall in love for him even more. Even though I didn't admit this at first, I have been thinking about him for many times. I often ask myself questions like:

- Is it my hormones and guts or is there also a logic behind falling in love for him?

- Why do you fall for him? Why am I acting all weird?

- Why am I daydreaming about him when I supposed to do/be (insert activity)?

Hahaha, anyways, it's good to have you guys and I thank you for your support. See you in a while. 🖐️😃

Edited by Lea
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Congratulations on the 90-day mark!

Excessive self-criticism and basing your worth on approval from others is no fun.

On the other hand, excessive self-praise and basing others' worth on your own approval is also no fun.

In Gloria Steinem's book about self-esteem, "Revolution from Within", she explains the former problem as a mostly feminine one, and the latter as a mostly masculine one.

Finding a middle ground where everyone can access their full circle of human capacities, she insists, is the basis for a truly democratic revolution.

Really great read. 

Edited by taichi
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Hey guys, I'm back! It's been a long time since I posted in this forum. A lot of things have been happening to me. The good news is that I passed my classes with flying colors and is accepted by the psychology department / faculty (even though I have to wait for several months until March). Even though psychology may not be interesting at first sight, after I see people (including you) with similar problems that I am dealing with on my own, I am inspired to become one. Who knows I could come up with creative therapies and alternative coping methods for people like you guys. 😃

And I am telling you another thing since my last post in the forum. Around a month or two after I succeeded in my detox (which I believe is May or June), I started to play games again, but now I am working to limit my time on gaming to do more productive activities (e.g. exercising, making stories, cooking, etc.). To be honest, it is not an easy struggle. You may think the same as well, so if you are struggling to get over your gaming addiction or in succeeding your detox, feel free to talk to me about your issues with video game addiction or maybe how video games affected your life. I'll be around in this forum whenever I can. So good luck with your detox! Don't give up and keep it up. 😉

P. S.: Actually about my crush (Caleb), this is my long (one-sided) story short. Sadly, he rejected me. From April to two weeks ago, he already had a girlfriend whom he really loved. This makes me "turn into a green monster" who can only wish that Caleb was mine. At the same time though, I wanted him to be with her because if that was what made him happy, then I was happy even though I felt pain. So when I heard him and his girlfriend broke up, I was shocked, followed by mixed feelings. The "green monster" inside me was finally happy, but on the other side, the "angel" within me was sad about this. I felt like if he wasn't happy, then I wasn't. As for now, I feel normal and okay without him, but a part of me still longs to text him to see how he is doing.

I don't know about you guys, but you may feel lots of negative emotions when someone you have a crush on does not return your feelings. The thing is that it is not the end of the world, and I understand gaming may seem to be a way to cope with your stress that is a result of unreciprocated feelings, but I have been there and done that. I feel like it is not the healthiest way to cope with unrequited love, as gaming addiction can be a vicious cycle prior and after a heartbreak. I don't know what more to say, but I share to you a quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho:

"And when you can't go back, you have to worry about the best way of moving forward."

Edited by Lea
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On 9/4/2019 at 10:54 AM, Lea said:

Hey guys, I'm back! It's been a long time since I posted in this forum. A lot of things have been happening to me. The good news is that I passed my classes with flying colors and is accepted by the psychology department / faculty (even though I have to wait for several months until March). Even though psychology may not be interesting at first sight, after I see people (including you) with similar problems that I am dealing with on my own, I am inspired to become one. Who knows I could come up with creative therapies and alternative coping methods for people like you guys. 😃

And I am telling you another thing since my last post in the forum. Around a month or two after I succeeded in my detox (which I believe is May or June), I started to play games again, but now I am working to limit my time on gaming to do more productive activities (e.g. exercising, making stories, cooking, etc.). To be honest, it is not an easy struggle. You may think the same as well, so if you are struggling to get over your gaming addiction or in succeeding your detox, feel free to talk to me about your issues with video game addiction or maybe how video games affected your life. I'll be around in this forum whenever I can. So good luck with your detox! Don't give up and keep it up. 😉

P. S.: Actually about my crush (Caleb), this is my long (one-sided) story short. Sadly, he rejected me. From April to two weeks ago, he already had a girlfriend whom he really loved. This makes me "turn into a green monster" who can only wish that Caleb was mine. At the same time though, I wanted him to be with her because if that was what made him happy, then I was happy even though I felt pain. So when I heard him and his girlfriend broke up, I was shocked, followed by mixed feelings. The "green monster" inside me was finally happy, but on the other side, the "angel" within me was sad about this. I felt like if he wasn't happy, then I wasn't. As for now, I feel normal and okay without him, but a part of me still longs to text him to see how he is doing.

I don't know about you guys, but you may feel lots of negative emotions when someone you have a crush on does not return your feelings. The thing is that it is not the end of the world, and I understand gaming may seem to be a way to cope with your stress that is a result of unreciprocated feelings, but I have been there and done that. I feel like it is not the healthiest way to cope with unrequited love, as gaming addiction can be a vicious cycle prior and after a heartbreak. I don't know what more to say, but I share to you a quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho:

"And when you can't go back, you have to worry about the best way of moving forward."

I think you'll find someone eventually who gets you excited to talk to them and also share mutual interests with you. I'm not sure if he was leading you on at all while this was happening, which is unfair. If so, don't take all of the burden of this onto yourself. I would just continue to learn from this and not dwell on it. Take it for what it is and move forward.

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