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NEW VIDEO: Psychologist's WARNING About VIDEO GAMES

Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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Today was good. I finished the week strong. I'm connecting with a woman I met on a different kind of dating platform, but it's not really for dating. We just wanted to talk in general and it's going well. Even if we don't date I'm starting to smile more. 

I stood through my cravings today. I did masturbate, but I took my time and did not watch porn. I made sure it was more sensual and respectful of myself. 

I ordered an air conditioner since it's hot out. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, apartment, the community, my job, and myself for not watching porn and for relaxing today instead of forcing productive activities after a long week. 

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17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't think I want to do that lol. It is what currently gives me anxiety. 

Yeah that's fine. Don't do it. 

Good job not watching porn and taking easy. It's nice to have a day off.

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Today I'm 86 weeks free from gaming. I'm also 1 week free from porn. This weekend I'm far less stressed than last weekend since the move is done. The only thing crushing me now is the weather. It's so hot and I won't have my air conditioner for a while longer. I should have just gone to home depot or something, but i just don't want to go to more stores right now. We're not in safe times. I know people aren't social distancing, seeing their friends, socializing, and quite frankly being stupid. I don't trust them. You can go ahead and say it's only a minor virus, but it's killing almost 10% of people and the flu kills 0.1%. Such ignorance out there it sickens me.

This goes to show you how impatient we all are. Look how much we seek instant gratification. Video games, social media, porn, drugs, alcohol. They're immediate escapes from the pains of life or just plain old boredom. If people don't get what they want they whine and complain and it's annoying to see. This virus is showing why, especially in America, people are very ignorant. Sure, we're testing more people than other nations, but just look at pictures posted online of people at huge parties, gatherings, events and not being smart. This goes to show you that nobody can handle isolation and self control. So if you're struggling with relapse and self control, just know you're not alone.

I know a lot of people on this website wish they "were normal" and didn't have an impulsive addiction with cravings etc. But I encourage you to learn from people in society. The majority of people are struggling with not socializing and other issues. You have a chance to be different and overcome these issues. This makes you special. It makes you powerful. It makes you better than others. I encourage you to stay on your mission of game free living and less addictions. More self control is more power to you to live the life you were meant to live, and the life you're meant to live is one that is constantly changing and evolving. Just make sure you make today effective and good for you and the ones you love. 

I do feel rather lazy today. I'm exhausted after the past few weeks. I don't really want to start anything new or do anything interesting. I watched the rest of a tv show I was watching and it was ok. I've just been lounging a bit. I feel guilty and am getting some anxiety for not being productive, but I just want to relax. I am giving myself permission to relax today and not feel pressure.

I think I'll start 3d modeling a little again and take my time and enjoy. I might watch a movie or two, make some food later, and just relax. I did masturbate last night and have had some urges to just do that today, but they're not as strong as any porn craving I've ever had and don't really notice them unless I'm bored. Let's see what today brings.

Thanks for the support this week. I hope you're all doing well. Stay strong this week. I have a feeling it's going to be tough for some people.

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@BooksandTrees I wish you all the strength you can get as well! I have a feeling this whole year is going to be one of the toughest in decades, but I decided not to give too much conscious attention to problems in the world, rather I chose to focus on anything I can improve upon. It keeps me sane, because, really - a person can only do so much in crisis like this. COVID situation is surely going to get bad in eastern Europe again, I already accepted a strong chance I will be spending another couple of months in isolation this year. And then economic crisis could make 2021 even worse than this year was. 

I wish you well in your fight against porn and masturbation, it gets easier with time. I masturbated 8 days ago, decided I will do without it for another week, and frankly, it is easier to do than my first "7 day challenge". I can even lay bored in my bed for 15 minutes and I will not get urges, which was impossible when I was in your stage.

Edited by gargamel
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@BooksandTrees

I am glad you are doing well. In fact, reading your story is making me more determined to never return to games again and not think I can control something that has been such a destructive thing in my life. 

On another note, I encourage you to start 3D modelling. It's what I do for a living now in mechanical engineering and I find it rather fun. 

Plus, I do LEGO modeling on Studio 2.0. The BrickLink website has the download for it and it is free. It's the closest thing I have to recreational 3D modeling as all the industrial CAD packages all require a paid license to use them long term. Plus you can build whole models with LEGO building instructions from the LEGO official website without spending a dime (plus they never ever break). 

If you want another platform that is more 3D animation and has a lot more detail involved, Blender is a good one for 3D modeling and animation with detail nodes and other features. Has good rendering engines and other extensions you can use to customize the interface and available features. 

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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

@BooksandTrees I wish you all the strength you can get as well! I have a feeling this whole year is going to be one of the toughest in decades, but I decided not to give too much conscious attention to problems in the world, rather I chose to focus on anything I can improve upon. It keeps me sane, because, really - a person can only do so much in crisis like this. COVID situation is surely going to get bad in eastern Europe again, I already accepted a strong chance I will be spending another couple of months in isolation this year. And then economic crisis could make 2021 even worse than this year was. 

I wish you well in your fight against porn and masturbation, it gets easier with time. I masturbated 8 days ago, decided I will do without it for another week, and frankly, it is easier to do than my first "7 day challenge". I can even lay bored in my bed for 15 minutes and I will not get urges, which was impossible when I was in your stage.

Thank you. If I can get to the point where I masturbate but no longer watch porn I'll be happy. You have the right approach. Focus on yourself then fix others. 

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47 minutes ago, amchow said:

@BooksandTrees

I am glad you are doing well. In fact, reading your story is making me more determined to never return to games again and not think I can control something that has been such a destructive thing in my life. 

On another note, I encourage you to start 3D modelling. It's what I do for a living now in mechanical engineering and I find it rather fun. 

Plus, I do LEGO modeling on Studio 2.0. The BrickLink website has the download for it and it is free. It's the closest thing I have to recreational 3D modeling as all the industrial CAD packages all require a paid license to use them long term. Plus you can build whole models with LEGO building instructions from the LEGO official website without spending a dime (plus they never ever break). 

If you want another platform that is more 3D animation and has a lot more detail involved, Blender is a good one for 3D modeling and animation with detail nodes and other features. Has good rendering engines and other extensions you can use to customize the interface and available features. 

Thank you. I have been learning blender and made two videos. My YouTube channel is chariot cartoons. They're beginner videos for sure, but I'm learning. 

I'm a structural engineer as well and enjoy it.

I'm glad I can inspire you. I hope my story can bring connection. My journal is long, but it's got a lot in it. I've been just about everywhere and seen a lot that gamers endure on their sobriety. It's a tough, bit manageable path if done the right way. Glad you're here. 

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Today was interesting. I couldn't focus on 3d modeling and just wanted to relax as I mentioned, but during the movie I watched I came up with an idea for a book. I talked to my friend for a couple hours about it and then spent the rest of the night writing an outline for it. I don't plan on strictly working on this, but I wanted to alternate between writing and animating so I could switch things up. This week I plan on 3d modeling a pidgey from pokemon. I won't complete it this week. I just intend to work on it. I also intend on writing a little of my book. I think it might be fun.

I want to go to bed and get ready, but I'm kind of eager to work on this project. I don't want to start writing right away because I want to research a bit for the book. So I think this week will just be about research for the time period including job titles, slang, names, components, etc. Then I can start writing. It's a really simple book and I hope it goes well. My other book ideas have been super complicated and I just avoid them. This one is very one dimensional. I don't expect it to sell at all. I just want to write it. I think that will work. I'll aim for it to be about 300 pages long and I'll do this part time with 3d modeling.

I'm doing this because I won't be creating any 3d modeling tv shows until next year anyways. This year is all about making random things and learning.

Today I'm grateful for relaxing, myself for relaxing, my friends, family, and the community.

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I'm feeling anxious today. I've been writing longer letters to a girl and I enjoy that format. I got her number, but I always mess up texting. I'm an expert at longer format or phone or talking in person. I've ruined everything in texts because I never know what's too much or too little. 

I'm just hoping to move it to phone as fast as possible. It's odd because I'm great at texting friends and family, but not women. I just struggle. It's just hard for me to convey my personality and also keep up conversation. I'd rather just have one letter or conversation. I don't like how texting is so open ended and lasts all day. Like there's no closure to the conversation. You don't know where you stand. It's terrible for someone with anxiety to be honest. I'd rather have a call and get it over with. Plus it's more personal and you can read the person's reactions more. 

I've stopped talking to women who don't write a lot in texts because I thought they didn't want to talk to me and they got upset because they liked me.

God it's so difficult to text for me. I think it's so lazy and broad and worthless sometimes. This sucks. 

Plus you just sit there waiting. They could respond fast or slow and I just sit there thinking I wrote something wrong. It's terrible. Just terrible. I hate it. Plus there's so many games like waiting or something. I just get so anxious and depressed. I just want to watch porn and sleep for days and escape this. I really like this girl though and I want to enjoy today because I don't have to work. 

I've got to do what I did with video games. Let's break this down. Watching porn would make me more anxious and upset because I haven't watched it in a week. Sleeping would piss me off because I have goals to enjoy today and be happy. 

So how do I resolve this? I have to trust that if I spoke to this woman for 1 month she'll be better and more eager to text than a normal person. So I need to take my time. If I get this anxiety I'll do deep breathing and some exercise. 

I am ok. 

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I feel guilty and am getting some anxiety for not being productive, but I just want to relax. I am giving myself permission to relax today and not feel pressure.

I was getting anxiety from not being as productive as usual just now. But I'm kind of tired from going to church and after reading your post I kind of want to take it easy and no pressure to finish all my morning routine stuff. If it happens great if it doesn't it's okay. I'll be back on the schedule tomorrow. 

I can so identify with struggling with texting girls. I copy pasted a 'questions to ask over dating apps' article into my phone because I feel clueless as to what to say over text sometimes. I think it's a normal reaction for someone with anxiety to want to just meet or talk on the phone to have something with some closure to it. I feel anxious over how texting lasts all day too. Especially as I like to have pure unadulterated alone time each day like you noticed. I think you're doing a good job to deal with the circumstances and wish you the best of luck with your romantic endeavors. Sounds like your 300 photo shoot worked out.

 

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I dislike just writing over Internet/phone. I am generally able to reply the same day, although there's nothing else to do than to respect the speed they are writing at or just quit writing them completely. Writing is the minimum level of interaction required to stay relevant and hence only good to set up times/location, perhaps convey some basic facts that happened recently and images + videos.

I hope you'll be able to move over to phone/meet in person soon. Be proactive, lead and charge rather than hold back, but don't be desperate. I'm currently sitting in the same spot. If she writes, she writes. If she doesn't, then she doesn't. There's plenty of women out there 🙂

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

So how do I resolve this? I have to trust that if I spoke to this woman for 1 month she'll be better and more eager to text than a normal person. So I need to take my time. If I get this anxiety I'll do deep breathing and some exercise.

To solve this, first, we have to figure out one thing: do you like her? 😃 I'm guessing yes. Haha! Sorry I'm not updated!
Man, I just read your entry last week and I was surprised that you had gone that kind of trouble. Hope you are doing great as always—as I have known you based on your journal and replies. 😂

Hope this helps:

For me, ideally, texting is like talking about or updating each other on whatever you are doing or thinking. Some girls prefer lengthy and meaningful texts. Some like it short but sweet. Some just like to have someone to talk to even if it's nonsense, especially when they are bored. Some like mysterious guys. Some like the outspoken ones. Some like a combination of those things. Like us, men, women have their preferences as well. 

In general, conversations will be interesting if it's the right time to talk about. I mean, longer messages and deep conversations are nice, especially at night before sleeping; but, it's not usually good to talk about it during mid-day since your textmate is preoccupied. You wouldn't want her to rant early in the morning. But if she does, she most likely likes you. 😂

Women like to be heard—most of them. Make them the center of the conversation. Ask questions; it should be like you are very curious about their way of life. Answer their questions honestly but with reservation. Save the long conversations for meet ups. To be safe, start with being friends. 😁 

I don't know the background story of how you met the girl. I'm still scanning for more information from your previous entries. All of this came from my assumption that you like her. 😅
I heard you move to a new place. Good luck on your new leveling zone!

Edited by chiliflavor
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Thanks for the insight @Erik2.0 @Ikar and @chiliflavor

I think I'll take this and roll with it. I know that she's busy right now at a double birthday party/family gathering/father's day event, so slow responses mean nothing right now. She seems like a longer texter so we can take turns texting longer things and being flirty from time to time. I am going to try and develop a situation where we are having phone conversations and potentially setting up in person trail walks maybe or something like that. 

We are starting off as friends because we didn't actually meet on a dating website. We met in a community for mutual interests and it turns out we live 30 minutes from each other. We didn't see what each other looked like and spoke for a month. It's just gotten a lot more personal and meaningful recently and I want to see what happens.

1 hour ago, chiliflavor said:

Man, I just read your entry last week and I was surprised that you had gone that kind of trouble. Hope you are doing great as always—as I have known you based on your journal and replies. 😂

My diary is insane. It would take forever to read, but it most certainly highlights my struggles with stress and life and I personally don't know how I avoided video games during the tumultuous year of 2019. I think we all get put through the gauntlet during our recoveries.

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So tonight went really well! We texted a bit and it went great, then we talked on the phone for almost 3 hours! It was awesome. I really enjoyed speaking with her. The conversation flowed smoothly and we had a lot to talk about. We'll see what happens. 

I spent today relaxing. I watched my show, talked to a lot of different fathers in my family, and then wrote more in my book outline. I tried doing 3d modeling, but I felt overwhelmed because I wasn't in the mood to 3d model. This made me start to panic because if I wasn't in the mood then I must not want to do it and I started to have a panic attack because of it. I called my friend and calmed down after that. I'm allowed to 3d model some days and not all days. I might just be tired from my stressful month of working, moving, and other stuff. I'll try it again tomorrow.

Sometimes it's just tough to do a creative hobby you're bad at when you want to just do something without thinking. That's why video games are so addictive. I stood strong and just relaxed. It's going to be ok.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, community here, the phone call, and myself for recovering from my panic attack and having a great evening afterwards. 

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think we all get put through the gauntlet during our recoveries.

I agree. I feel like I go through a lot of ups and downs. Trial and triumph. It's alright though. As long as I stay off the games I'll keep going in the right direction eventually. 

It's nice to hear things are going well with this girl you met. Good job recovering from your panic attack. Those are intense.

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I had oral surgery performed. It's hurting a lot today. I'm trying to work through it but idk. I don't know how long it will last. This blows. I hope I get better soon. 

I've been pretty stressed since this is my difficult work week and I also have to recover from surgery. I'm having some porn cravings. I'm just going to take a nap. 

Today I'm grateful for potentially having a successful surgery, finding hand sanitizer for the first time in 4 months, medicine, my job, friends, family, and myself for staying strong so far. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm feeling a little better today. I got almost all of my work done. My mailbox key doesn't work because the mailbox is jammed. I still have to get my air conditioners and I still need to finish putting boxes in my basement etc. Everything is just a hassle. 

I'm just stressed out with work, apartment crap, and other crap. I gotta start studying soon, I wanna do hobbies, I'm tired. etc.

I requested a week off from work in July. 

Today is the first day in weeks I haven't worked overtime and I feel lost. I have energy, but I'm also tired. like I could do hobbies but I'm drained. Idk. I'm upset because most of my hobbies are challenging and I don't want to do anything challenging right now. I don't feel like 3d modeling or writing because i did these all day. 

Today I'm grateful for my family, my job, and myself for not having to work overtime and doing a decent job.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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2 minutes ago, Natalie said:

Was your oral surgery essential or non-essential and why?

Non-essential dental implant. I'm missing a tooth and if I don't put a tooth in then the bone will decay and I'll have a weak bone.

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I'm tired of anxiety. I have a 9 AM meeting and I woke up at 4 because there's a house cleaning crew that is power washing the house at an unknown time. I have to find a place to park and I know they'll come during my meeting. 

It's too bright in my room and I can't go back to sleep. I'm now just sitting here like an asshole. Now I'm stressing out about everything. I'm angry that I feel like I'm settling if I don't date a beautiful woman, but most of the beautiful women I've dated are complete assholes who care more about themselves than me and are bad at conversations and generally less intelligent than the ones I'm not attracted to. I'm not trying to sound like a misogynist, but it's been true for the 10 years I've been dating. 

I'm very good looking and have had no issue meeting women. The ones I get along with most are overweight, not focused on drama, social media, or attention, and have hobbies. They also play less mind games. It's so frustrating that I'm not as attracted to that body style and I'm also worried because I think I'm settling if I don't find a hot woman. I don't understand why I think that way. Do I care more about what other people think than what in personally think? Am I insecure? 

Or, plot twist, am I having anxiety about my meeting and lack of sleep and trying to hide my thoughts into porn and I've given up porn so now I feel lost?

I just think it's too peculiar that I'm thinking about sex and women when I'm stressed out. That's the porn talking. 

I'm too smart for my addiction to get me again. I'm not hiding in porn anymore. I just gotta handle this. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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49 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm angry that I feel like I'm settling if I don't date a beautiful woman, but most of the beautiful women I've dated are complete assholes who care more about themselves than me and are bad at conversations and generally less intelligent than the ones I'm not attracted to. I'm not trying to sound like a misogynist, but it's been true for the 10 years I've been dating. 

I'm very good looking and have had no issue meeting women. The ones I get along with most are overweight, not focused on drama, social media, or attention, and have hobbies. They also play less mind games. It's so frustrating that I'm not as attracted to that body style and I'm also worried because I think I'm settling if I don't find a hot woman. I don't understand why I think that way. Do I care more about what other people think than what in personally think? Am I insecure? 

When talking to women, the thing I am most interested in is their story, which is completely independent of their looks. I remember getting somewhat intimidated if I was to approach a truly beautiful woman, even though I got myself into situations to talk to her afterwards.

I think I wrote about this before, but the stigma with beautiful women is that they know they can have any other guy if they at least remotely try, so it's hard for them to settle until they find a guy who meets their all of their expectations, so they are more promiscuous on average. Us, ex-gamers, with non-existent/bad relationship experience, rather sympathize with women who want to be loyal, never had much experience with men either (because of their looks), but found out they want to do something about their situation (lose weight, quit SM dramas, watching soap operas for hours etc.) and generally do it once and do it right.

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

When talking to women, the thing I am most interested in is their story, which is completely independent of their looks. I remember getting somewhat intimidated if I was to approach a truly beautiful woman, even though I got myself into situations to talk to her afterwards.

I think I wrote about this before, but the stigma with beautiful women is that they know they can have any other guy if they at least remotely try, so it's hard for them to settle until they find a guy who meets their all of their expectations, so they are more promiscuous on average. Us, ex-gamers, with non-existent/bad relationship experience, rather sympathize with women who want to be loyal, never had much experience with men either (because of their looks), but found out they want to do something about their situation (lose weight, quit SM dramas, watching soap operas for hours etc.) and generally do it once and do it right.

That's true. I just only have the ability to meet people in real life because I can be authentic. I highlighted why I didn't like the online dating so that case is solved. I'll just stay patient. 

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My mom says it's okay to be picky when you're dating. I'd say sometimes it's worth a try even if you're not super attracted to the person. If it's a mild attraction level and everything else is good then maybe it's worth a try. Hey, do you think it's a good idea to tell that friend of mine I have hidden feelings for her? I figure it's kind of a waste of time and effort as I don't think I'd want to date long distance even if she was on board for it. Also there's some girl at the gym who smiles at me and sometimes makes small talk. Do you think it'd be good to ask her out?

Edited by Erik2.0
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14 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

My mom says it's okay to be picky when you're dating. I'd say sometimes it's worth a try even if you're not super attracted to the person. If it's a mild attraction level and everything else is good then maybe it's worth a try. Hey, do you think it's a good idea to tell that friend of mine I have hidden feelings for her? I figure it's kind of a waste of time and effort as I don't think I'd want to date long distance even if she was on board for it. Also there's some girl at the gym who smiles at me and sometimes makes small talk. Do you think it'd be good to ask her out?

Gym girl only. I don't think long distance is good.

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