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BooksandTrees
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Work was slow again and I got very little done. My computer was malfunctioning and we needed IT to fix my programs and that took several hours. I get nervous during times like this because I don't like to look unproductive. If I talk shit about people being unproductive then I imagine I look like a prick if I don't back my words up. But I doubt that's happening. It's just me being paranoid. When situations like this occur I just think the worst and become defensive because deep down I'm a very angry/cut throat person I feel. I'm trying to practice forgiveness and gratitude and it has been working a bit.

I made a really good meal the other day and it has motivated me a bit. Although, I've been eating some junk food the past few days. Not all day. I'm still under my caloric maintenance intake. It's just that I try to sneak in a cookie some days. 

I didn't sleep well last night and I watched way too much porn to clear my mind. I'm getting sick of porn again. I think it's so difficult to quit porn when i'm isolating. But I guess everyone is struggling.

Many of us have been relapsing and playing games or trying in moderation. Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. You went back to play for a reason. This is the time to understand what you're trying to game for and improve your life if you don't want to game anymore. Is it loneliness, boredom, lack of achievement, competition? What is it? Let's talk it out.

Tonight I'm not touching my computer, phone, or TV past 1030 PM. I keep falling asleep at fucking 3 AM and it's so annoying. Porn doesn't help. I watch it before bed, get stimulated, then browse the internet, then watch porn again and fall asleep due to exhaustion and then wake up late feeling like shit the next morning. I'm going to try reading again tonight. That worked before.

I'm grateful for my family, job, food, apartment, nicer weather, myself for making it through another day of not sleeping, and my friends.

 

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree. I think it's just difficult to find some relaxing activities. I get burnt out of being creative with all of my hobbies. It's hard to find an indoors, social hobby that involves no video games during isolation and social distancing. Maybe this is just another sign of me over thinking tings. I appreciate the perspective and agree.

There is a continuity I think that is worth looking into: What makes you feel burned out: Is it a very high expectation of yourself, which keeps you working 24/7 or is it the absence of relaxing activities?

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I get nervous during times like this because I don't like to look unproductive.

Why?

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

because deep down I'm a very angry/cut throat person I feel.

It does not seem like that for me: You seem to be a generous, nice and helpful person, who is just chasing for a certain amount of accomplishment and wants a good life. I am wondering, why are you talking shit about unproductive people?

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Do you have contingency plans to get through this? If you no longer need/want to quarantine in 1 month? In 3 months? In 1 year? I was thinking about making some as well, but my habits and things I wanted to do were mostly already set before all this began and I started doing a few other things, such as Forex, writing or getting uni work done in advance to replace social gatherings. It might help you internalize that it's not going to be like this forever.

I think a month and a half ago, when the restrictions were at their peak around here, I met with my friend and coined going to a demonstration if the government pushed them further. My rationale was that even if I got locked up, I'd have the same amount of freedom and that I want to actually live rather than survive. They've been loosening them up ever since (nowadays restaurants can serve in their outdoor premises), so that contingency remains unexplored as of yet.

In a way, this is a prime time to get to know oneself and others. There are as many opinions about this situation as there are people and nobody really knows what to do.

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I get nervous during times like this because I don't like to look unproductive. If I talk shit about people being unproductive then I imagine I look like a prick if I don't back my words up. But I doubt that's happening. It's just me being paranoid. When situations like this occur I just think the worst and become defensive because deep down I'm a very angry/cut throat person I feel.

 

11 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

It does not seem like that for me: You seem to be a generous, nice and helpful person, who is just chasing for a certain amount of accomplishment and wants a good life. I am wondering, why are you talking shit about unproductive people?

I think I feel with Books on this one. I'm also somewhat obsessive about finding out how much/how little people do in their lives and what do they do in general. It could be that I hold myself to high standards, that my ego that commands me to be better than everyone else or that I give my full trust to a select few. I acknowledge that all of these are my issues though and that it doesn't make sense to blame anyone else for my inability to accept reality as it is.

@Alexanderle I'm looking forward to that blog of yours 😄

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think I feel with Books on this one. I'm also somewhat obsessive about finding out how much/how little people do in their lives and what do they do in general. It could be that I hold myself to high standards, that my ego that commands me to be better than everyone else or that I give my full trust to a select few. I acknowledge that all of these are my issues though and that it doesn't make sense to blame anyone else for my inability to accept reality as it is.

@Alexanderle I'm looking forward to that blog of yours 😄

That is the crux: I do absolutely agree with both of you. When I get asked by younger students about statistic stuff, which they can't figure out, I get annoyed quite often: The things, they ask me, because they think I am better at this crap than they are (which is true xD), I have figured out with obsessively checking literature etc. So they could easily figure out all of that by themselves, by just google it. Which is a bit crappy: Why are they not doing that?

Jordan Peterson says in a talk about the IQ score that there are 10 percent of people in our society, who have nothing to do. Not only do they not want to do it, they are incapable. I guess it is a said reality, but we have to deal with it. And I think, we need to show responsibility, which both of you are doing. Not blaming other people, but leading with example. That seems to be a good idea.

The blog has to wait. I am writing my thesis for now. That is enough writing for the time being. 😄 

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On 5/17/2020 at 1:07 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm getting kind of annoyed with Hunter x Hunter. It went from an exciting hunter environment, to just a tournament, to a fighting scene, and now something similar to yu gi oh. It has almost no structure at all to be honest and I don't like it. The characters are compelling so I kind of enjoy the journey, but I thought it was going to be more about hunting monsters, etc.

I had the same feeling with that anime lol.  A lot of people like it but I got kind of bored with it after a while.  I still finished it though.... Would not recommend lol.  You could probably find a summary on YouTube somewhere that would explain all the major plot revelations.  But I felt like there was a lot of filler.

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17 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

There is a continuity I think that is worth looking into: What makes you feel burned out: Is it a very high expectation of yourself, which keeps you working 24/7 or is it the absence of relaxing activities?

It does not seem like that for me: You seem to be a generous, nice and helpful person, who is just chasing for a certain amount of accomplishment and wants a good life. I am wondering, why are you talking shit about unproductive people?

I think I just have such high expectations. I feel like a failure if I don't get things right and I have some sort of expectation of success upon completion that will make me feel better. Once again, this could be another form of escapism in a productive way. My therapist once told me there are people who are addicted to the gym and while many people would say that's better because they're not morbidly obese or anything, they still are not healthy at all. This could be similar with productive vs lazy.

I don't like unproductive people because it reminds me of the person I used to be. Just being lazy and avoiding responsibilities. Not only does it remind me of myself, but it reminds me of many of my former friends in real life who do absolutely nothing and just want to play games and avoid responsibilities. It pisses me off. I want to surround myself with accountable people so I don't have to pick up the slack. I get very annoyed when I have people tell me the same problems every day and do nothing about it. I think they're a waste of life if they do this for months on end and don't make changes. It really pisses me off. That's why I think I'm kind of cutthroat. I take time to empathize with them and understand what's holding them back from making the change. So I do my due diligence before labeling someone a waste, but once it's there it's there for good until proven otherwise. 

It's a deeper seeded thing also because both of my parents were like this. I'm the only person in my family and one of my only friends who takes charge and leads the pack. I've just had to deal with so much of it and I'm the only one who changed. It bothers me. My therapist said I'm insightful and that took lots of pain to achieve and not many others are willing to do that.

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17 hours ago, Ikar said:

Do you have contingency plans to get through this? If you no longer need/want to quarantine in 1 month? In 3 months? In 1 year? I was thinking about making some as well, but my habits and things I wanted to do were mostly already set before all this began and I started doing a few other things, such as Forex, writing or getting uni work done in advance to replace social gatherings. It might help you internalize that it's not going to be like this forever.

I think a month and a half ago, when the restrictions were at their peak around here, I met with my friend and coined going to a demonstration if the government pushed them further. My rationale was that even if I got locked up, I'd have the same amount of freedom and that I want to actually live rather than survive. They've been loosening them up ever since (nowadays restaurants can serve in their outdoor premises), so that contingency remains unexplored as of yet.

In a way, this is a prime time to get to know oneself and others. There are as many opinions about this situation as there are people and nobody really knows what to do.

 

I think I feel with Books on this one. I'm also somewhat obsessive about finding out how much/how little people do in their lives and what do they do in general. It could be that I hold myself to high standards, that my ego that commands me to be better than everyone else or that I give my full trust to a select few. I acknowledge that all of these are my issues though and that it doesn't make sense to blame anyone else for my inability to accept reality as it is.

@Alexanderle I'm looking forward to that blog of yours 😄

I have contingency plans and everything. I just kind of got stressed because I don't know how to relax is all. I am still trying to balance fun, productive fun, work, relaxation, and strong essential habits like eating right, sleeping consistently, exercising enough, etc. I don't like wasting time and that prevents me from doing a lot of what I am looking to do. It's an interesting conundrum. 

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12 hours ago, apatton090 said:

I had the same feeling with that anime lol.  A lot of people like it but I got kind of bored with it after a while.  I still finished it though.... Would not recommend lol.  You could probably find a summary on YouTube somewhere that would explain all the major plot revelations.  But I felt like there was a lot of filler.

It only has like 50 episodes on Netflix, but Myanimelist says it has over 150. This just seems like such an ordeal. I get so frustrated by the cliche anime shonen style where there's a stupid guy who has the amazing ability to be the strongest and he's the most special and fights through everyone. It's too cliche. I think Hunter x Hunter tried avoiding some stereotypes by changing it's plot a bunch, but it still carries the same theme. I also get pissed how there's so much explanation of techniques. Oh my god.

This is tetzu. Now move your hands like this and focus your aura. This is zetzu. Now get angry. This is nen. Now eat shit, this is shtizu.

It's so annoying. Just fucking fight or uncover a plot or something. At least Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood had a good plot. This is just redundant.

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52 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I think you can be a nice person too

Thanks. I think I focus too much on the negatives lol. I hear myself cutting people down in my mind or cutting myself down and it's all I hear.

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Today was a lot better. I woke up at 7 and was determined to do well. The only issue was it was impossible to fall asleep at 11 PM after falling asleep at 330 AM the night before. So I settled for 1:30 AM. I was more productive at work today and also took a nap. I ate well again and I also worked out for 15 minutes and showered. It felt good. These are intense workouts so they don't need to be super long. I'm still losing weight and have lost almost 30 lbs this year!

I meal prepped again tonight. I found a really good potato recipe so I think I might make some eggs and potatoes tomorrow morning. I had a really good session with my therapist and we talked about my loneliness and drive for being productive. I think I'm starting to find some balance. I was trying to 3d model for 4-10 hours and that's not real. I've cut it back to like 1-4 hours per week tops unless I'm really passionate about the project. Some days I was forcing myself to do it like I was in the office at work. 

I also contacted my website host to try and cancel my hockey website last week. I ended up keeping it up and am going to take a new approach. I wanted to write about hockey, but building the website took over 40 hours and I was not close to being done. It really pissed me off. I didn't want to build a website, I wanted to write hockey articles.

So I found out because I chose Wordpress I made it more difficult on myself as that's the one with programming and more options. It's not all programming, but you have the option. It's too customizable for what I wanted to do. So I realized I could just use Weebly and make a simple website and just write my articles. I will attempt to do this soon.

My goal is to be able to write hockey articles once a month if I feel like it, animate a few hours per week if I feel like it, rock climb, tennis, hockey, Bruins, reading, exercising, biking, cooking, and some tv shows. I'm slowly building a network of activities for balance. It just takes some time.

Today I am grateful for my therapist, my friends, my family, my food, the community, my apartment, and myself for being understanding of my needs over my wants. 

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't like unproductive people because it reminds me of the person I used to be. Just being lazy and avoiding responsibilities. Not only does it remind me of myself, but it reminds me of many of my former friends in real life who do absolutely nothing and just want to play games and avoid responsibilities. It pisses me off. I want to surround myself with accountable people so I don't have to pick up the slack.

I always remind myself of the past days back when I was whenever I feel I didn't perform that day. I think that push when I realize the difference is still there.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I get very annoyed when I have people tell me the same problems every day and do nothing about it. I think they're a waste of life if they do this for months on end and don't make changes. It really pisses me off. That's why I think I'm kind of cutthroat. I take time to empathize with them and understand what's holding them back from making the change. So I do my due diligence before labeling someone a waste, but once it's there it's there for good until proven otherwise. 

I think the solution to that could simply be to not talk to the same people every day. They're not your roommates nor your SO. If you think they are not receptive enough to your advice (which is actually the correct default), accept it for the time being and check back with them later if you want to. My good friends are also in part my good friends because I do not talk to them every day 😄

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am still trying to balance fun, productive fun, work, relaxation, and strong essential habits like eating right, sleeping consistently, exercising enough, etc. I don't like wasting time and that prevents me from doing a lot of what I am looking to do. It's an interesting conundrum. 

I do not like "wasting" time either, but if I watch 3 hours of series on a day I have only for myself while I combine it with eating and relaxation, I think it's good enough. It's indeed interesting, because there's no sure way to tell how my gut will feel at the end of the day, regardless of how much/how little I actually did.

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8 hours ago, Ikar said:

think the solution to that could simply be to not talk to the same people every day.

I agree and haven't done this in almost 2 years. Deleting social media helped. I removed all of these people from my life by simply not initiating conversation and none of them have initiated with me. It reduced a lot of stress. 

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You touched on some great insights over the past couple of posts. When you said that you don't like unproductive people because it reminds me of who you used to be, that's a very normal emotional reaction to your own changes and I think everybody goes through it. I believe we're most disdainful of people who still engage in the negative activities we used to do. As a personal example, I've never understood the former alcoholics who go into servicing other alcoholics. I absolutely despise alcoholics and feel no pity for them at all. Perhaps this is because I've not yet been able to forgive or pity myself for the things I did. Perhaps because I just hate selfish people. The same goes for game addicts. I love talking to other people who are actively pursuing recovery from game addiction but I feel no drive to reach out to addicts to try to show them the error of their ways or to make the world a better place that doesn't cause game addiction in the first place. I am knowingly very selfish, though. It's something I try to be mindful of daily and I don't often act out on these beliefs and impulses, I'm just saying they're the default way I feel toward other addicts.

People who complain about the same thing every day are indeed annoying but as @Ikar said, this is just basic human nature. We all have the impulse to complain about our woes and the accompanying impulse to "relax into the abyss" (Thrussell). Some of us can consciously overcome our animal nature and complain / procrastinate less often.

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On 5/17/2020 at 8:55 PM, BooksandTrees said:

2 years we're going to be in quarantine. Don't be stupid and think otherwise. We're fortunate that this doesn't have a greater death rate. There won't be a cure until September 2021 at the earliest. 

I feel like I'm watching myself descend into a state of mind and a world we can't ever dream of. I know it won't last. Look at life she all the plagues or 1918 flu. After a couple years life went back to normal for a century or so.

I was thinking about the black plague from the mid-1300s, the yellow fever of around 1793-94 I believe, and the influenza pandemic of 1918-20. I read articles of it on Wikipedia. These historical topics about any epidemic must've brought up from what I was learning something. The length of the quarantine could be like up to three years, but I'd likely say 2.5 because we don't wanna wait for too long. And there are some fake news telling too early about "the cure from COVID-19" running rampant on social media like vitamin C, zinc, hydroxichloroquine, something that begins with the letter A (not to be confused with amox-clav), and remdesevir (did I spell it right?). I am no big pharma to be honest. As the local news has said before, there is still no FDA-approved cure for coronavirus as of yet.

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I hope we're allowed to have gatherings again soon. If we can gather then my mom's business can run and I won't have to have as many housemates. I hope to get a good housemate come September. It'll be my birthday then. Maybe that can be God's present to me. Sounds like you have a good balance of activities in your life. I like productivity too. Seeing your hobbies list reminds me of the things I'm doing too. Yeah we can all get too critical sometimes. We just have to take a deep breath and chill. I hope to stay positive and try to keep myself in good spirits. I actually ran past an arguing couple today because I didn't want to get caught up in the negativity. I don't think I'd do well in a crowded city. 

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Today was a good day. I got more work done, I slept very well, I sneezed a lot from allergies, and spent a lot of time socializing after work. I had a virtual happy hour with 2 friends, called another friend after and did another virual chat with some friends after that! Very social and it made me feel great. I am happy. I am doing something similar tomorrow.

13 hours ago, ceponatia said:

because I've not yet been able to forgive or pity myself for the things I did.

I have forgiven myself for the video games now. It has been a huge step in my recovery. I hope you reach this soon.

8 hours ago, Natalie said:

I am no big pharma to be honest. As the local news has said before, there is still no FDA-approved cure for coronavirus as of yet.

Yeah, it's not worth believing any of the stuff until it's proven and accepted by multiple nations, the CDC, and WHO. Until then it's just traditional medicine and care. I think it's a 2 year thing as well and will wait as long as possible. I don't feel comfortable returning to work or anything until a vaccine is derived.

4 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I don't think I'd do well in a crowded city. 

I don't like cities either. I think it's just a frustrating life. I like where I am at now. I also agree with the being positive and calm approach. I've felt a lot better over the past few days just being happy, calm, and not trying to be too goal oriented. You can be goal oriented all day and after a few days of it you get worn out.

Today I am grateful for my friends, the bird outside my window that I whistle to throughout the day, and myself for continuing to be calm and adapt to my new life.

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

the bird outside my window that I whistle to throughout the day

Sounds peaceful 😌 . Gotta love the suburbs and rural areas. It's nicer with the quiet and less people. Lots of people makes me uncomfortable too. 

 

18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You can be goal oriented all day and after a few days of it you get worn out.

Sounds about right. I'm learning to take time to just relax and chill lately. It's been good. I feel like I'm learning how to live better from observing people on here.

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6 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Sounds peaceful 😌 . Gotta love the suburbs and rural areas. It's nicer with the quiet and less people. Lots of people makes me uncomfortable too. 

 

Sounds about right. I'm learning to take time to just relax and chill lately. It's been good. I feel like I'm learning how to live better from observing people on here.

I'm trying to relax more also and I just feel happier. I'm gonna 3d model this weekend, but it's so important to relax. I didn't realize. 

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Today was nice. I had more video chats with friends and we had a great time. We did some trivia together and told stories after. It really made me happy. I then made some pork chops and have enough for 3 more meals. Hunter x hunter is almost over and I'm relieved. It's so drawn out. I keep complaining, but I'm almost there. 

I didn't exercise today because I had a bad headache/neck ache. I could not do a single ab exercise without pain so I decided to forget it for today. I feel better now though. I watched porn today unfortunately, but I had no interest in watching more. 

Today I'm grateful for the birds, my food, my friends, my landlord, and myself for not getting upset about someone hurting my feelings today. I chose to just ignore them and move on instead of stewing like I had mentioned many times before. 

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm trying to relax more also and I just feel happier. I'm gonna 3d model this weekend, but it's so important to relax. I didn't realize. 

Totally I support the relaxing time to balance out the doing things time. 

 

12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I chose to just ignore them and move on instead of stewing like I had mentioned many times before.

Good job working at moving on. It's so easy to dwell on negative emotions. But usually it's for the best to try to do something to make it better and or move on. I'm trying to ask a client to be nicer to me about explaining trivia answers and doing my best to let it go otherwise.

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was nice. I had more video chats with friends and we had a great time. We did some trivia together and told stories after. It really made me happy. I then made some pork chops and have enough for 3 more meals. Hunter x hunter is almost over and I'm relieved. It's so drawn out. I keep complaining, but I'm almost there. 

I didn't exercise today because I had a bad headache/neck ache. I could not do a single ab exercise without pain so I decided to forget it for today. I feel better now though. I watched porn today unfortunately, but I had no interest in watching more. 

Today I'm grateful for the birds, my food, my friends, my landlord, and myself for not getting upset about someone hurting my feelings today. I chose to just ignore them and move on instead of stewing like I had mentioned many times before. 

It's amazing how easily others can affect our mood... Both negatively and positively.  I try to remember that and err on the positive side...

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Thanks guys. Today was a little annoying at first but finished well. I was very tired after a night of poor sleep combined with ther snooze button. 

It was not my most productive day, but I still got a few things done. I think I was burnt out this week. I didn't get to exercise much, but still losing weight. 

I'm a little annoyed because I have to find a new apartment in 3 weeks. I think I'm going to try and rent a townhouse. I want to do this to see if I'd enjoy a townhome. I have the option to buy a home next year. I could buy now, but I'll have many more options in 2021 after a promotion later this year and my car payment ending. Plus, the market always changes during presidential elections. 

I don't want to panic buy now. If I buy something because I didn't wait 5 months then I'm stuck for 30 years with it. I'm just stressed because I want a home one day. I don't think it's smart to buy especially since my exam is rescheduled for October and I gotta start studying in 2 months. The stress of buying a home would be negative. 

I had more voice and video chats today and that was good. I'm 3d modeling tomorrow with my friend and looking forward to it.

Today I'm grateful for my job, family, friends, hockey, and myself for not getting depressed today after a slow start. 

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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

and myself for not getting depressed today after a slow start.

Good resilience. Finding a home can definitely be stressful. Good luck, hope you find a good place.

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11 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good resilience. Finding a home can definitely be stressful. Good luck, hope you find a good place.

Thanks. I'm not looking forward to it, but we'll see what happens. 

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