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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I just want company, friendship, love, and attention. That's the only reason I want to play games again. I'm so lonely sometimes. My friends never understand. Sometimes when I get sad and lonely I just want other people to tell me they love me. I am competitive for people's attention, praise, adoration, and more because I never had it in my life. I've been so alone and sad for so long. Neither of my parents have ever loved me and it's just a shame.

It's gonna be alright pal. You are a meaningful and important person. Everyone is important. Even your parents. Well, maybe not Hitler. xD But if your parents are completely self centered, you have the chance to be better than that. Do you really think, they never loved you? I don't know. But keep having an impact on people's lives. I see you constantly helping me and others in this forum during difficult times. And it is well appreciated. But then we should realize that this is not only about taking, but also about giving. If you keep giving, you will get something back. And you are already giving more than enough. For instance your amazing animations. They might be for you a strategy to get some appraisal. But for me, they are more than that, because they show me, what is possible with hard training and effort. And how new passions can develop over time. They motivate me. Maybe eventually, they will motivate me to try painting again and take it a little bit more serious. It is one of those things, I always wanted to learn. But I am not there yet. But you are a role model for sure.

And I also think that your friends would understand. I used to believe, I could never tell some good friends of mine, how shitty I am and that I am having social anxiety. But once I shared it with a good friend of mine, we were almost immediately closer together, because she was very helpful and understanding. So keep in mind, you are not alone in this world. You are a very vital part of it. 🙂 

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16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It just makes me sad that I'm so alone. I guess a lot of us on this website are alone. We loved gaming for making us feel so included and have purpose in life. But what gaming addiction does is further separate you from reality. Hiding from pain instead of solving the pain and finding solutions

This is a wise statement about gaming addiction. I did game for the social aspect. But I wasn't really making any friends. Just online people who would talk to me once in a while to play games with. They weren't going to Skype me and chill like my current friend and dad would. (haha current dad). Or go on walks with me like my mom does. I am lonely too. I only have one friend and they live in a different country. But they're a better friend than all the online friends I had gaming because they're a real person. Even the people on this site know me more than they did. I don't think I can play in moderation. I go crazy and feel hyperaroused/vigilant when I play games. If it's for you or not is your call. 

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Thanks for the support.

I feel a lot better today to be honest. I stayed up late last night 3d modeling and learned a lot. I think I can finish my Gastly animation this weekend. I was kind of tired after work today and didn't feel like 3d modeling, but I wrote some ideas down and wrote the script for the animation I want to do later this summer.

I'm basically going to do the Gastly using dream eater this weekend and post it. I'll then make Geodude and learn how to animate and rig his arms so i can get used to that. Then I want to make my Voltorb parody video by the end of July or August that's like 2 minutes long. I say that because I'll have to study again for my exam starting in August or July. That will be nice to have completed so hopefully I can get my raise and move on.

I didn't have any video game cravings today. I exercised and ate healthy again. I also didn't hit snooze today. I just set my alarm clock to be 1 hour later than normal and felt better. I got almost all of my projects complete so i can start a new one tomorrow. I played hockey in my basement and listened to music as well.

I was sad for about 1 hour but listened to some music and talked to some friends to get out of it. I also had a dream where I actually had sex in the dream. Not sure if this is a result of not watching porn for 9 days in a row. 

@Erik2.0 have you watched Hunter x Hunter? I'm starting to watch that now and absolutely love it so far. It reminds me of Pokemon mixed with Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I decided to watch this instead of reality shows because I was getting very angry at some of the contestants who were purposely annoying. 

I might start stretching for 30 minutes a night before bed and listening to music while doing it.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, food, apartment, my hockey equipment, music, myself for getting over my video game/social cravings and having real conversations with real friends instead, and my writing ideas.

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

have you watched Hunter x Hunter? I'm starting to watch that now and absolutely love it so far. It reminds me of Pokemon mixed with Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I decided to watch this instead of reality shows because I was getting very angry at some of the contestants who were purposely annoying. 

I can't watch all of those anime because they give me the dead leg syndrome that I talk about in my most recent post. A lot of life I'm excluded from because of this. I could try pushing myself to watch it anyway, but it's kind of just so much stress I don't know if I even want to go through it.

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3 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I can't watch all of those anime because they give me the dead leg syndrome that I talk about in my most recent post. A lot of life I'm excluded from because of this. I could try pushing myself to watch it anyway, but it's kind of just so much stress I don't know if I even want to go through it.

That makes sense. Don't force it. 

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I'm not sure how I want to spend the rest of tonight. Today was annoying. I got like 8 hours of sleep for once, started the day stressed out with work and it ruined my motivation. I then had to start a project with a severely handicap budget....AGAIN. Basically they gave a new employee an impossible task, he tried, but didn't have the knowledge or experience because it's a tough task, but spent almost 1/3rd of the budget. So I have to rescue it. It's demoralizing to have to keep rescuing projects like this. I just want something brand new with nobody leeching off of it or having some sort of handicap. 

It burns me out because I know the company isn't mad at either of us. They trust me to get it done because I've performed well in the past. It just kills me because most days I'm not amped up or excited to work. It takes some energy to get motivated for a project like this. When you have like 0 hours to kill. I already watched porn once because of the stress. But I realized I didn't want to do that so instead I decided to stretch and exercise and sit outside when I got stressed out again. 

I don't want to animate tonight. Or at least animate my project. It might be a night where I follow a tutorial to learn something new while not putting pressure on myself to work on my project yet. It's interesting because being monetized on YouTube typically takes between 1 and 4 years. It takes a combination of 1k subscribers and 400,000 channel views. That's a long time. So this pressure I'm putting on myself to make content is unrealistic when I have 15 subscribers and 100 views. I need to be patient and just enjoy the hobby for what it is. A creative outlet to express myself.

Today I stretched for 30 minutes and exercised. I want to reach my head to my knees this year. I won't force it because that's how injuries occur. I'm going to treat it like my weight loss and just do it for a little bit each day. Sitting down all day compresses my spine so I'm going to be stretching more. I also found it to relax my body so I could sleep better.

I'm going to do a quick tutorial and then watch some tv before bed. I want to learn how to create a human in blender and rig their body so they can walk.

Today I'm grateful for my food, myself, my friends, exercise, stretching, and shower.

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Good job staying with the gratitude list. That's awesome you're doing YouTube channel. I bet that might be fun to be monetized on there and make money for posting videos. I don't really have such ambitions. I just want to get good at my hobby just to do it. Because I like it. I don't think I have the courage, at least not now, to try to go on YouTube. I look forward to seeing your animations.

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good job staying with the gratitude list. That's awesome you're doing YouTube channel. I bet that might be fun to be monetized on there and make money for posting videos. I don't really have such ambitions. I just want to get good at my hobby just to do it. Because I like it. I don't think I have the courage, at least not now, to try to go on YouTube. I look forward to seeing your animations.

I wish I could do hobbies just do to them. I keep trying to make money from all of my hobbies. I grew up poor and just want to own a house one day that doesn't suck. Anything helps lol

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I'm pretty tired today. I got a lot of random things done for work, but I'm tired and don't want to do much tonight. I exercised and stretched again. I cooked dinner and meal prepped. I want to 3D model, but I don't really wnat to put any effort into anything right now. It's the end of a long week and I'm just exhausted both mentally and physically. I'm really enjoying Hunter x Hunter, but I'm also enjoying the fact that I don't want to binge watch it. After about 4 episodes I get irritable and want to do something else even though I love the show. 

I think tonight I just want to relax. No cravings for porn or video games either. It's interesting.

Tomorrow my plan is to make home fries from scratch, work on my 3d model, make pulled chicken, and hang out with friends through zoom while we play board games. I'll also exercise and stretch some more. This weekend I'd like to get my 2nd animation online. I'm almost done. It should be about 30 seconds this time. I have a new animation project around the corner waiting for me which should be fun, challenging, but also encourage me to be patient. This isn't a job. It's a hobby. People always want to do their hobbies, but don't always have the energy or time. So tomorrow I'm going to do the hobby with intention and see how it goes. I'm ready.

I'm pretty tired tonight already at 9 PM evne though I woke up at 8 AM. I kept waking up at night last night feeling scared so I think it made me tired today. I'm reading to relax and wake up tomorrow ready to go. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, work, food, myself, my tv show, exercise, and the community on here.

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I want to 3D model, but I don't really wnat to put any effort into anything right now. It's the end of a long week and I'm just exhausted both mentally and physically.

Long time no see I hope your doing well and staying safe. It's been awhile and I'm trying to catch back up on posts. Your 3d animations look fantastic! I'm glad you finally started to do them. I got further into learning how to fix up my house as my hobby learning tools, electrical, and what not.

This quote though stuck out to me because I relate some days but there is one nice thing I learned about hobbies and managing them. They are always there for you the next day. It gives you something to look forward to as well. For me when I can't get in a working mood I put my history degree to work and just research. Research everything and learn. So that way when I get back to it I can try out a new tip or truck I learned into action. It kind of creates a snowball effect for me to stay excited.

Anyway I hope your doing well man and keep it up your doing awesome! 

-Tzen

Edited by Tzen1
Grammar
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When you are feeling emotionally tired from all the mental work Books, isn’t it the ideal time to practice your street hockey?

how is it? Has you coordination and reaction speed inproved? 

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8 hours ago, Tzen1 said:

Long time no see I hope your doing well and staying safe. It's been awhile and I'm trying to catch back up on posts. Your 3d animations look fantastic! I'm glad you finally started to do them. I got further into learning how to fix up my house as my hobby learning tools, electrical, and what not.

This quote though stuck out to me because I relate some days but there is one nice thing I learned about hobbies and managing them. They are always there for you the next day. It gives you something to look forward to as well. For me when I can't get in a working mood I put my history degree to work and just research. Research everything and learn. So that way when I get back to it I can try out a new tip or truck I learned into action. It kind of creates a snowball effect for me to stay excited.

Anyway I hope your doing well man and keep it up your doing awesome! 

-Tzen

Glad to hear from you again. I'm doing well and enjoying the 3d modeling hobby for sure. I do the same thing as you with the research before working. I think my biggest pitfall is daydreaming about the goals a little too much, but otherwise I'm learning more about balance. 

How are you doing and how is the house coming along?

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5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

When you are feeling emotionally tired from all the mental work Books, isn’t it the ideal time to practice your street hockey?

how is it? Has you coordination and reaction speed inproved? 

I've gotten better, but the only issue is I want to be a goalie so it's hard to get shots when you're alone lol. Plus, I already played for an hour that day. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Glad to hear from you again. I'm doing well and enjoying the 3d modeling hobby for sure. I do the same thing as you with the research before working. I think my biggest pitfall is daydreaming about the goals a little too much, but otherwise I'm learning more about balance. 

How are you doing and how is the house coming along?

I'm doing good! As a teacher my job my job took a dramatic shift and been extremely busy getting all my material online and making sure students can access it. 

You know daydreaming is a two way street for me. It can be a pitfall because I lose focus of what I'm doing but then I feel like I'm at my highest peak of creativity. Your mind just becomes free to think of what you can do or add to your project without a sense of worry. It's enough for me to stop sometimes and write down what floats in my head. 

As for the house we have one big project we are thinking about hiring out, insulation. It's pretty bad also might be some droppings from rodents or bugs so they would have to vacuum as well. My biggest goal,though, is I want to get my house wired up and have a Ethernet port in every room. I just know that if we decide to sell it one day or keep it even it will be useful in the long run. 

 

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Glad to see you're enjoying hunterxhunter. It seemed like a good show when I did try watching it. It's always great to watch and enjoy an anime. Especially when there's a ton of episodes and you can just keep watching for months.

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Today I'm 81 weeks free from playing video games. I woke up pretty determined to complete my animation and ran into a huge road block. The smoke around my Gastly kept messing up and appearing to be MASSIVE and uncontained. I was so frustrated by this. It took over 4 hours to fix and I needed to contact the creator of the YouTube tutorial over Discord to get the solution, but we finally resolved it. Here's a progress shot of it. You can't see the Gastly's face in this shot because it only shows up in final renders.

unknown.png

I'm going to highlight the smoke to be a gradient of dark and light purple with a bloom light emitter in it. Here's a preview, but it will change obviously as the scenes develop. I'll try to finish it by next week. I got a little ambitious with timing.

image.thumb.png.cb5eba4cdebc89bc1cd797fbb1609c97.png

After modeling for about 4 hours I realized that I can't treat this like video games and needed to step away. Nothing is good for 4 hours straight besides sleep. It wasn't 4 straight hours I guess. I did laundry, meal prepped, ate food, and played floor hockey in my basement.

But after all of that I watched some Hunter x Hunter and then had a 3 hour video chat with my friends and really enjoyed myself. I feel a lot better now. I miss being around others so this was good. I can now relax and go to bed.

I'm grateful for the blender community for helping me with my problems, my friends, myself, meal prepping, warm clothes on a cold day, finding the name of a song I couldn't find for years, and my computer.

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11 minutes ago, Tzen1 said:

Daaaaaaaang man that looks great!! 

Thanks. I'm trying to get it done by the weekend. Maybe I can sell fan art one day lol. But that's not my total goal. My original cartoons are still the goal next year. Glad to hear about your house project and I think your comments on daydreaming are correct. I have such an active imagination and want to create these amazing things with 3d art or write something funny, etc. I get carried away because I get an idea but can also see the whole thing through to fake success and making millions of dollars lol. I just walk in circles for like 30 minutes thinking. It's addicting so I just have to stop. 

Hopefully I'll have an animation this week and I'll post it on YouTube. I'll share the link of course.

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Today has already been annoying. I had to talk to a few family members for mother's day. I chose to keep all conversations short because I didn't want to get angry like last week where I had a melt down after talking to my family on the phone for hours. So although I didn't enjoy talking to anyone, I kept it short and survived. I'm now listening to heavy metal music to get stress out. I might exercise and I am definitely going to play some hockey. Then I can take a shower and do some 3d modeling. I want to work on that color gradient for the smoke.

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I managed to survive the frustrating parts of today and immediately went to animate some more. I finally nailed down the smoke effect of my animation and also created the hypnosis move. Tomorrow I'll try to finalize the hypnosis effect where he moves around a little bit. So far the animation has Gastly floating around a room with his gas around him. This lasts for 15 seconds until he stops and floats around while using hypnosis. He will then have his eyes glow, open his mouth, and jump at the camera to use dream eater. I took a quick screenshot of the progress.

image.thumb.png.dff75189401fe64c0498eec939f81535.png

After that I talked to my friends on the phone for a few hours. It was really nice to be able to just be myself, talk, joke around, and talk about my dreams of becoming an animator one day for my own projects and develop my work some more. I spent the rest of the night watching Hunter x Hunter. It got really good and I enjoyed it.

I think overall I really enjoyed this weekend. I didn't quite finish my animation like I had hoped, but I got a lot done and worked on it for over 8 hours. It's almost done and I see it ending this week. Originally, I had set the goal to create one animation per month. The fact that I finished my second animation in just two week is amazing to me. I've learned so many new effects with this project as well. 

I'm grateful for my friends, my tv show, my animation, my home, my food, myself, in some way my family, but not entirely. It's complicated I guess. 

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Great work! Just make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot by over-committing to the animation 🙂

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5 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Great work! Just make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot by over-committing to the animation 🙂

Thanks, I won't. I'm just gonna keep it simple and finish this week.

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I spent the rest of the night watching Hunter x Hunter. It got really good and I enjoyed it.

I am glad that you are starting to be more and more at peace with yourself and that you don't completely beat yourself up for something, which is per se not super effective in terms of self-improvement. But I think relaxing is quite important as well.

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To build upon what @Alexanderle said it's also great that you have found a groove to your day. You have something you do at different points of the day from working on hockey, to your animations, or just relaxing to Hunter x Hunter. Also as for family I understand and I sometimes think family and complicated go hand in hand with each other.

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