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NEW VIDEO: Video Game Addiction Intervention *Parody*

BooksandTrees

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I took the time today to write a 3,500 word article about addiction and habits.  I wrote a lot about willpower and the fundamentals of life.  It was a great process for me and it took over 6 hours to do.  I would like to post it on the website I'm creating, but I'm worried that a lot of it is material from other professionals and I'll just be taken as some hack.  I just really like to take notes from the books and articles I've read and the videos I've watched regarding addiction, willpower, and habits.

I think I'll post it and I'll link it here.  Hopefully it helps people.  I'm going to be creating a blog for self improvement and comedy once I get things straightened out.

I was happy I wrote the article today because I woke up 5 hours later than I normally would due to anger and frustration.  I decided to slow those down and just focus on the good things.  

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Today was productive as well.  I got really frustrated this morning because I had no willpower.  I got sad and wanted to just give up and go back to work, but I ate breakfast, took a shower, shaved and looked good.  Then I contacted a gym to figure out if I want to go there.  I then panicked again.

I panicked because there's so much I want to do and feel lost sometimes. But I remember I wrote out a structured outline for every project I wanted to work on, so I looked at all of my projects and decided I wanted to work on the cartoon today since I wrote a blog post yesterday.  I spent 8 hours writing today and finished my first script of the cartoon.  I thoroughly enjoyed the writing process and feel very good about it.  I'm meeting with my artist tomorrow and feel like we're on a roll now.

I got a dopamine rush getting excited to write my cartoon script, but my body was confusing that for the dopamine rush for watching porn.  I did not watch porn.  I stretched, changed my environment, and relaxed. I then went and wrote.

Matt

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I wanted to add that I'm trying to settle down my racing thoughts.  I still panic about quitting my job, insurance, and steady paycheck.  I'm treating this as a mental therapy break.  If I somehow find myself making money with my hobbies then I'll be happy.  If not, I'll be happy with the fact that I've taken months of time developing skills to spend my time doing after work.  Over the next few months I'll be learning to animate, video edit, write, exercise, perform comedy, produce a website, write books, write scripts, and live life a bit more fearlessly because of willpower and confidence boosts.

I'm hoping this experience humbles me and helps me stop worrying about others and only worry about myself instead.  I want to feel comfortable knowing that I can do productive activities outside of work and I can learn new things.  It took me over 2 years to transfer that script into a proper program because I was scared. Instead, I spent 8 hours doing it today and really enjoyed it.  

If not, I might try taking CBD oil in a few months to calm my anxiety and just keep going. I do want to own my own house one day and I will always regret not buying that house. I'm just using the experience as a reminder that I can buy a house one day and when I appreciate life more I'll be ready to stick it out and buy an even better house.

 

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I had a really busy day with my artist.  We revised our character drawings, background drawings, and created a list of things to do for artwork regarding character rigs, background creation, camera angles, etc.  We also read the script, made several good revisions, and set up a schedule for that as well.

I feel very happy about that.  I feel that as I come home tonight I want to continue doing more productive things.  I think I'm mixing up "being hard on myself" and "wanting to do something productive".  I'm pretty tired since we worked together for 9 hours and we drove a total of 2 hours.  It's kind of like a normal work day.  I just find that I have more energy right now to work on something fun and I shouldn't feel bad about that.  I want to learn some animation techniques for future projects because I enjoy doing it.  Maybe this is encouraging me to keep living life outside of work and that being creative on projects doesn't mean I'm "working". I'm just "creating" and sometimes it takes thought.  Not all nights will be like this.  I might want to read or something as well.

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I feel like such a failure.  I'm watching porn a lot and I'm constantly battling with the regret of quitting my job. I am having trouble just following the path.  I was feeling better about what has been happening in my life, but I watched porn 6 times in the past 2 days.  I also watch before bed each night.  This keeps me awake an extra 3 hours each night and it's affecting my mood.  I already chose this decision, I already chose that I would create my websites, make youtube videos, write my cartoon, perform stand up comedy again, and learn to treat myself better by following routines because I know routines provide certainty in my life that I rely on for stability.  I'm not doing this and I'm looking for people to explode on so I get into arguments with my mom and people online and don't want to help others because I just want help for something I already figured out.

Porn and chronic masturbation are killing me and making me upset.  I am struggling so much with this.  I was able to quit video games because I started being more social with real friends. I played video games because I was lonely.  I watch porn because I want some intimacy with a woman and to feel comfortable with her.  Unfortunately, I live with my mom and it's gonna be awkward.   

Also, this fallacy that having sex will improve my life is just that - a fallacy.  Having one night stands is just a more realistic form of masturbation.  They last one night, like masturbation, and don't fulfill what I really want.  I want a partner I can trust and build a life with.  I want to share hobbies, days, and experiences together.  Porn and masturbation do not bring this to me and neither will one night stands.  I need to get it through my skull that if I stop watching porn and chronically masturbating that I will be able to discover things about myself that will help me enjoy life more.  I'll be able to see things in a woman past her looks.  I am only attracted to women who look like porn stars right now and that's not real. Porn isn't real - it's a fucking sickness.  All of the scenarios are fake, never happened, and are honestly sickening. 

I want to quit these things because I'm brainwashing myself from seeing the true value of a woman and her companionship.  I am being unfair to myself and every woman in the world because my mind is always in the gutter and I'm creating this delusion about life, women, love, and happiness.  I have these few months now to focus on my hobbies, which I am. I have 3 websites bought and I'm creating them.  I wrote a lot of my cartoon already, and I have several ideas for the books, YouTube videos, and stand up comedy I want to do.  I just need to do it.

I am setting myself up for failure by watching porn at night, then getting urethral burning for an hour after finishing because I am too aggressive when I masturbate and masturbate too much.  I go into bed at 11, look for the perfect porn video for over an hour until midnight or later, watch for like 10 minutes, angrily close all of my porn tabs and feel like a failure, try to go to bed, wake up and feel pain for an hour when I urinate, try to calm down, then I get angry at myself for another 2 hours because I didn't want to watch porn in the first place.  Now it's like 3 AM and I realize I need to wake up in the morning and can't sleep.  I zone out until 4 Am and wake up at 8 AM for work or now since I quit, I wake up at noon. 

Porn has really hampered my life and created imbalance.  I'm at the phase where even masturbation without porn is bad.  If I keep this up I'll start to get a bad feeling about sex and never find that intimacy with a woman regardless of how much healing I go through.  I need to take this stand. I need to do it.

I'm sorry for not commenting on other people's pages, but I just have nothing to offer at this stage other than my honesty about my own predicament. I'm 32 weeks free of gaming and proud of that, but I'm only able to go 5 days without porn and then I watch it 5-10 times in one day and go on benders. I've never faced anything so difficult in my life.

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Hey Matt. I really don't envy your situation. You got a lot of things you need to deal with, and none of them are going to be taken care of overnight. Additionally, your situation is further complicated by the fact that you don't have a steady job anymore, which means: no money, less routine, relative isolation, and in your case, an awkward scenario where you're living with your parents under non-ideal conditions. Few guys in their 20s wants to be living with their parents, let alone with all the rest of that burden.

The worst thing about when I left grad school in 2015 was the isolation and shame of having to move back in with my parents. Holy you-know-what I was depressed and frustrated. All my engineering friends were making good money at So-and-So Chemical Co., or rocking it in grad school,  and I was making $0 a month. 

The best thing that happened to me during that time was a job I landed at a restaurant that was opening up. I didn't even search  for it, but when I saw a table recruiting at a mall, I felt something inside me that was saying "Get out of your house, this is the right thing to do." And it was. It was embarrassing being the one of a few adults working amongst a bunch of teens and people who were completely washed up, but I guess I was kind of washed up too at that point. The whole thing sucked, but it was honestly the only thing that saved me during that time. I got to pay my student loans, and I got to get away from my parents. I felt much better for it.

To be very clear, this post is not a condemnation of your choice. You did something very risky and very stressful by quitting your job. On top of that, you are making zero income from what you've switched to.Yeah, I can see why you're stressed and acting the way you are.

You're a rational human being and were faced with a dicey situation, and you're only a few weeks into seeing the fruits of your choice, but you have to find something to do outside of your home that provides you with some of the good emotions your job provided. Your job sucked, but it paid the bills, you had more social contact with people outside your home, and you probably felt some level of expertise in what you did. That's a big hole to fill, and unsurprisingly, struggling through starting a new career from scratch (essentially), dealing with a difficult parent, and having gaming AND porn addictions doesn't fill that (I assume). Try to find something that you can latch onto that helps you fill some of the emotional and/or physical needs you're missing.

Apologies for the unasked-for advice--this just reminded me of myself a bit.

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7 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Hey Matt. I really don't envy your situation. You got a lot of things you need to deal with, and none of them are going to be taken care of overnight. Additionally, your situation is further complicated by the fact that you don't have a steady job anymore, which means: no money, less routine, relative isolation, and in your case, an awkward scenario where you're living with your parents under non-ideal conditions. Few guys in their 20s wants to be living with their parents, let alone with all the rest of that burden.

The worst thing about when I left grad school in 2015 was the isolation and shame of having to move back in with my parents. Holy you-know-what I was depressed and frustrated. All my engineering friends were making good money at So-and-So Chemical Co., or rocking it in grad school,  and I was making $0 a month. 

The best thing that happened to me during that time was a job I landed at a restaurant that was opening up. I didn't even search  for it, but when I saw a table recruiting at a mall, I felt something inside me that was saying "Get out of your house, this is the right thing to do." And it was. It was embarrassing being the one of a few adults working amongst a bunch of teens and people who were completely washed up, but I guess I was kind of washed up too at that point. The whole thing sucked, but it was honestly the only thing that saved me during that time. I got to pay my student loans, and I got to get away from my parents. I felt much better for it.

To be very clear, this post is not a condemnation of your choice. You did something very risky and very stressful by quitting your job. On top of that, you are making zero income from what you've switched to.Yeah, I can see why you're stressed and acting the way you are.

You're a rational human being and were faced with a dicey situation, and you're only a few weeks into seeing the fruits of your choice, but you have to find something to do outside of your home that provides you with some of the good emotions your job provided. Your job sucked, but it paid the bills, you had more social contact with people outside your home, and you probably felt some level of expertise in what you did. That's a big hole to fill, and unsurprisingly, struggling through starting a new career from scratch (essentially), dealing with a difficult parent, and having gaming AND porn addictions doesn't fill that (I assume). Try to find something that you can latch onto that helps you fill some of the emotional and/or physical needs you're missing.

Apologies for the unasked-for advice--this just reminded me of myself a bit.

I appreciate it.  I have a lot of projects I want to work on and I just feel another job will hurt me.  I find that when I'm working on these projects I feel better about myself and feel busy.  I think if I replace porn with meaningful interactions with people and self love, then I will be successful.  I haven't craved video games since October.  I see friends now instead and talk a lot.  I now need to figure out why I watch porn and replace it.

I watch porn for self esteem, self love, interaction with women (mental), flirting (mental), sex (mental), and feeling like a man. Feeling powerful, confident, and worthwhile. The adrenaline rush of exertion etc.  I think the gym, yoga, and talking to some women I find appealing will be helpful here.  There are two women I'm interested in and knowing how outgoing and flirtatious I am I know I'll continue to meet them at the gym, hobbies, cookouts, etc. I'm just going to build confidence off of the gym and hobbies and socializing, while building willpower through meditation, a reliable schedule, and confidence with the hobbies.

I have a feeling I'll return to engineering in September, but if I do then I'll have 3 websites built, confidence in uploading YouTube videos full time, confidence writing my cartoon, confidence writing a book, and a set mentality for exercising for stress release instead of being a pro body builder.  I expect too much perfection of myself and treat too many things like jobs.  You're right.  It's only 2 weeks in.  I am fine.

When I go back to work I'll treat people like coworkers, not friends, and just look towards my friends for friendship and not my coworkers.  That's not real.  I also want to build willpower to ignore these people who suck the life from me.  I talk to these people at work who just won't shut the fuck up about their lives and then they don't care about mine.  It's irritating. 

I'm going to try and sleep at a normal time tonight to start my new routine for sleep.

Matt

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Damn, your post made me a bit scared, so I wrote down some actionable points I have to solve in order for my summer trip to be successful and some future ideas regarding my work involvement.

I'm also living with my parents right now, but I've been on my own for about year and a half before. Now, I am at home for the past year (where the possibility of living with my ex in the future existed and was a viable thing to work for, so my landscape shifted in that regard three months ago), but I pay them a healthy amount of money as a rent, so I get treated as an associate in a way. I'm also slowly figuring out my next steps regarding teaching English, because I don't want to be stuck with them forever, once I start earning some reasonable amount of money again.

Regarding women, I think you have it nailed down. You want to have something to offer (even if it's in the making) and you want stability (so you save yourself the trouble of future breakup/divorce). Keep climbing the competence hierarchy!

 

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

***, your post made me a bit scared, so I wrote down some actionable points I have to solve in order for my summer trip to be successful and some future ideas regarding my work involvement.

I'm also living with my parents right now, but I've been on my own for about year and a half before. Now, I am at home for the past year (where the possibility of living with my ex in the future existed and was a viable thing to work for, so my landscape shifted in that regard three months ago), but I pay them a healthy amount of money as a rent, so I get treated as an associate in a way. I'm also slowly figuring out my next steps regarding teaching English, because I don't want to be stuck with them forever, once I start earning some reasonable amount of money again.

Regarding women, I think you have it nailed down. You want to have something to offer (even if it's in the making) and you want stability (so you save yourself the trouble of future breakup/divorce). Keep climbing the competence hierarchy!

 

It is ok.

I am going to write a list of cues that lead me to watching porn and just be mindful of them:

  1. Becoming tired
  2. Feeling a dopamine rush of any sort to do something such as writing, go out, see friends, do a hobby
    1. This includes waking up in the morning and feeling the desire to do something. Porn is that fake thing that makes the day worth while, but is a lie
  3. Being stressed out with being afraid to start a project or assignment, but wanting to feel accomplishment
  4. Dating
  5. Reading
  6. Anxiety attacks regarding my stomach condition, dying, being afraid, or nerves
  7. Seeing a picture or video of any woman on the internet (I apologize if this offends anyone, but my mind is trained to be aroused by women on screens right now. This will change)
  8. Feeling depressed about my self esteem, low worth, and wanting to love myself
  9. Being very hungry

There might be more, but I can't think of them right now.  I think just noticing cues, recognizing what triggers a relapse, and being mindful of it will help me fix my environment to avoid it.  I am keeping all internet products out of my room, using an old alarm clock, and eating food when hungry or just sleeping when I'm tired.

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That's a long list!

I think I was on a daily masturbation habit when I joined GQ for a good while. I even did a week long no-fap as a challenge to myself and it went fine, I didn't have uncontrollable urges. Indefinite no-fap seems strange to me though. It still fluctuates for me, but I do it about thrice a week, I think daily is too much. I think there's a merit in "practicing" and considering how does it make you feel though. I'm not a ONS guy either.

If you do it in two minutes, while watching porn (that you already feel nervous about, because you were finding the "perfect" scene for an hour already) and then feel despicable for the rest of the day, that's not good.

I shifted myself towards "practicing". No visual, imagination only, constant stimulation, self-control, +10 minutes. I really don't want to be the guy with ED or PE. I think my woman in the future will be more satisfied too!

There's an interesting guide on this in the spoiler, hope that helps!

 

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I don't think it's worth being a sports fan anymore.  I'm tired of investing hours into something and being so passionately dedicated to something out of my control.  When you lose it's just debilitating. 

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Also, I apologize for spamming people if they get notifications for my posts. That is not my intention.  I just have a lot on my mind recently and hope I'm not disturbing anyone.

Anyhow, I also wanted to point out that I'm starting to lean away from stand up comedy ideas.  Although I really want to perform and have had success with comedy, most of my stand up comedy is either self deprecating or stemmed by anger and in a rant form.  I don't think it's healthy to seek attention through anger and hatred either directed towards my self or others.  Writing my cartoon has opened my eyes to situational humor, which I've always been amazing at, and I'm starting to enjoy it more. I have a talent for completely taking apart a situation and hurting people's feelings in a funny way.  I did this because it was the only way for me to survive abusive situations as a child. I just don't like it anymore.  I hate hurting people's feelings and I don't want to be the center of my own hatred anymore.  Maybe improv comedy for situational humor is what I'm actually looking for, but I'll have to think about it. 

This is tough because I really want to make funny videos on YouTube, but they're all centered around anger. I want to make videos where I make fun of these fake people trying to be social media influencers and take advantage of others for money. I'd be great as tearing them down and making myself look good in the process, but what's the point?  I don't want to be known as the rant guy anymore.  I don't like being angry all of the time and I don't want to target other people for attention. This is something I'll think about for a while, but we'll see what happens. Maybe there is a more creative outlet for my comedy that I can still post on YouTube aside from my cartoon and book ideas. Or maybe I'll just give in and do these things for attention. Idk. I don't really want to though.

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Hi, @BooksandTrees

Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories.

I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.

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31 minutes ago, Catherine17 said:

Hi, @BooksandTrees

Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories.

I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.

I'll check it out now, the funk soul brother.

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I'm not going to relapse, but I really miss how often I could talk to people on video games.  I feel like so many of my friends are such a giant let down. I'm usually good about this, but I dislike how little people care about others.  My friends still rarely contact me first and it's usually some crap.  I just feel so empty most of the time.  My mom wants to help other people instead of me because of how confident I am.  I don't display being pathetic so she just leaves me to my own devices and just helps others or talks to others.

My dad wants to talk to me, but I'm not ready for that.

My friends just talk if there's a purpose for it. I miss people just talking to talk.

I really hate being lonely and want some social involvement. I spoke about this and encourage others, but usually like 5 times a year I get very let down by how much effort I have to put in to socialize with others in order to get something in return. I'm usually comfortable doing this and can get people together, but if I don't do it my friends are mutes and don't start anything. Most of the people I've met in the past 10 years fit into one of these categories: introverts who don't like to socialize or plan anything, people who used to plan things but now just hang out with their significant other and I won't see them until they break up, are just fake friends and weren't interested in being my friend anyways, or just there because they're obligated like most of my family. Not everyone fits these categories, but many do, and it's disappointing. I think they view friendship as a convenience thing.

"He's within 30 minutes of me so I'll schedule a hang out where we can each drive 15 minutes" or "he has a girlfriend also, we can do a double date instead of a 3rd wheel thing because my significant other feels awkward and I'm too pathetic to hang out alone with my friends now that I'm in a relationship". It's just annoying. People want to hear I'm doing well so they can get instant gratification and move on to their problems or move forward. I think people today view their friends like Instagram feeds. They like good posts and scroll down, then scroll past bad posts, then try to post themselves.

And before anyone gives advice, I don't really want it. I apologize. I know I can join Meetup groups, I know how to meet people, I know how to join clubs, and I know I go to bed in 2 hours and I'll see my friends tomorrow for rock climbing and I have a bachelor party this weekend. I get that. But I just miss talking to someone at night. I miss calling a friend or talking online to friends at night after work to unwind and not have to go to some shit bar. I'm a little tired of it.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My mom wants to help other people instead of me because of how confident I am.  I don't display being pathetic so she just leaves me to my own devices and just helps others or talks to others.

So tell her this isn't how things are, tell her you need more of her. Things get better with honesty and transparency. 

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On 6/3/2019 at 7:36 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I am going to write a list of cues that lead me to watching porn and just be mindful of them:

  1. Becoming tired
  2. Feeling a dopamine rush of any sort to do something such as writing, go out, see friends, do a hobby
    1. This includes waking up in the morning and feeling the desire to do something. Porn is that fake thing that makes the day worth while, but is a lie
  3. Being stressed out with being afraid to start a project or assignment, but wanting to feel accomplishment
  4. Dating
  5. Reading
  6. Anxiety attacks regarding my stomach condition, dying, being afraid, or nerves
  7. Seeing a picture or video of any woman on the internet (I apologize if this offends anyone, but my mind is trained to be aroused by women on screens right now. This will change)
  8. Feeling depressed about my self esteem, low worth, and wanting to love myself
  9. Being very hungry

If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... 

 

About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one.

 

I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.

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2 hours ago, Mouxine said:

You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification.

I agree with that 100%. Once you go ONS-mode, you make sex casual. You should take the possibility of having kids with that person seriously and therefore you should have serious intentions with them too.

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12 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

So tell her this isn't how things are, tell her you need more of her. Things get better with honesty and transparency. 

I've had this conversation with her and she's having a difficult time doing it because of the way she prioritizes issues unfortunately. She's trying very hard to help her friend not be homeless right now, but he won't put any effort into it unless she does it all for him.  It's a toxic friendship and she doesn't see it and thinks if he is homeless it is her fault. He has put zero effort into finding a new apartment although he has a job. He's getting kicked out and is just making pity statements to my mom so she does it all for him. Then he goes around asking me if I want to go fishing and have fun. She gets all happy that I'm "getting attention from a male figure" and ignores the fact that he's using her, I hate him, and I'm more successful than them and don't need that in my life right now. She's just acting pathetic because she wants help and doesn't like herself enough to solve her own problems so she's outwardly trying to help someone else as a cry for attention. She's in no place to help me and I have come to grips with it. So I'm just not talking to her unless it's something casual now.

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3 hours ago, Mouxine said:

If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... 

 

About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one.

 

I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.

Reading is there because when I read too long I get irritated that I want to know the conclusion right away. I want to know the climax instead of a boring part. So I just get the dopamine rush to keep reading, but it's boring at this phase because I don't want to read anymore. I just want to know what happened. So that dopamine rush triggers a memory of a dopamine rush to watch porn and I go to watch porn instead.

I'm annoyed with the friendship thing as well. I think I am desperate for attention. I really want people to talk to me at all times. I don't understand why? People like me. I have friends who invite me to things. I just desperately want people around me. I was lonely my whole life and finally had friends on RuneScape. I had a few best friends growing up and they'd leave my life. It was so painful. I realized if I wanted to avoid pain and loneliness I would just keep making many friends so I always had a security blanket from loneliness. I don't have any best friends because I don't want the pain of losing them to come back. It has happened multiple times. I just want people surrounding me at all times. If I am lonely I start to think about how sad I am and what I'm doing wrong to be lonely. Even if it's a "normal time" to be lonely, like 1 hour before bed. I just feel abandoned and sad. It has to do with things in my childhood and I don't know how to deal with that. RuneScape let me talk to 100-200 people at all times. It was fun getting to know random people and trying to get them to be close friends. I miss that. The only issue is whenever I was insecure I would just keep playing.

I played RuneScape for escaping pains of loneliness, I watch porn to escape pains of intimacy loneliness, and I get angry to escape pains of sadness. This turns me into a stereotypical angry gamer who doesn't have sex and is lonely. I miss gaming, but it prevents me from achieving other things like learning to animate or something. Plus, I'd never meet a woman online gaming. Most of them are catfishers or just manipulators.

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14 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I agree with that 100%. Once you go ONS-mode, you make sex casual. You should take the possibility of having kids with that person seriously and therefore you should have serious intentions with them too.

I don't want kids right now. I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I am desperate for attention. I really want people to talk to me at all times. I don't understand why? People like me. I have friends who invite me to things. I just desperately want people around me. I was lonely my whole life and finally had friends on RuneScape. I had a few best friends growing up and they'd leave my life. It was so painful. I realized if I wanted to avoid pain and loneliness I would just keep making many friends so I always had a security blanket from loneliness. I don't have any best friends because I don't want the pain of losing them to come back. It has happened multiple times. I just want people surrounding me at all times. If I am lonely I start to think about how sad I am and what I'm doing wrong to be lonely. Even if it's a "normal time" to be lonely, like 1 hour before bed. I just feel abandoned and sad. It has to do with things in my childhood and I don't know how to deal with that.

Okay, that's a huge confession here. I hope you can read this post until the end. I think firmly everything I put in bold is your main issue making you unhappy, and that is something you have to work on if you wish to be happier. The underlined part is a mecanism of avoidance which increase your loneliness, because with many friends you don't have time for really intimate friendship, and therefore you create exactly the suffering you want to avoid this way. You said just before "I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc". That won't make you happy and it's almost impossible to have all this going well at the same time. Even if you did have all that, your loneliness while still be there. Being happy is only possible by bearing suffering and trials in a healthy way, everyone has their suffering, even those who seems to enjoy life without pain. 

I'm sorry to say it plainly, but you certainly don't have been loved as you deserved to be loved when you were child. It's not about what you did (you said :"what I'm doing wrong to be lonely"), you did not do anything wrong, it's just your heart is still bleeding from a deep wound when you were little and weak. Now this wound is a poison to your whole life. If I take an image, you're little a pierced barrel of beer : you can fill it totally, it will empty quickly. That's not your fault, it was your parents' job to make sure you would not be pierced, and if you were anyway, they should have repaired the wound. But they didn't, and maybe they were so wounded too they couldn't. Now you have to heal this wound to get better.

 

I hope I'm not to harsh saying that. It's been a some time I follow your journal so I don't think I'm wrong. I had too a really lonely childhood, my parents were rich so they bought everything for me, but they never played with me or asked me how was my day at school. Even worse, my mother said me one day : "your sister is making me so many problems, you, work hard and be nice". I thought by doing this I would please my mother and receive the attention I was waiting for. I was wrong, I was still alone, mostly in front of my games, and I was unable to do friend at school, except with pariah who would quit the school 1 year later... I remember I once cried when one of my friend was playing with one of another friend of his because his attention was not on me anymore... and now I'm desperate too for attention, so desperate I was harassing my wife to sleep with me very often when she was not fertile, but it was never fulfiing more than 2 hours after, I was even more lonely after that, even if she did everything to serve me... I got better when she tried to understand my childhood. I never talked about it to her, because I was thinking "it's a painful past, I don't want to recall it and say bad things about my parents". She insisted to know everything and since she has done psychology studies, she knew what she had to ask to make me spill what I needed to. So I told her everything then I cried like a baby because it was just horrible and unfair. Now I feel better because I have been listened to, the wound is a bit healed but not totally. Was it too much to ask to my parents to love me and show it to me ? No, it's totally fair and justice, if you make children, you have to love them because they need it to grow up. I talked about myself just to say, you are not alone in that painful case and it's not your fault. For me who God is Love and everything worth, I'm always forgetting He loves me, and I'm always afraid he is angry at me, just because I have been so accustomed not being considered... As we say, old habits die hard !

 

So how to deal with this ? A therapist could help you a lot. If you're really against it (I'm typically kind of guy who takes ages to take an appointement to see a therapist, even if I know I need to), you can start talking to a good, compassionate and trustful friend and unfold all your painful past. It will help a lot.

 

Anyway, being such a hardworker and having so many qualities with such a burden, you are really someone valuable ! I pray with all my heart so you can heal.

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3 hours ago, Mouxine said:

Okay, that's a huge confession here. I hope you can read this post until the end. I think firmly everything I put in bold is your main issue making you unhappy, and that is something you have to work on if you wish to be happier. The underlined part is a mecanism of avoidance which increase your loneliness, because with many friends you don't have time for really intimate friendship, and therefore you create exactly the suffering you want to avoid this way. You said just before "I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc". That won't make you happy and it's almost impossible to have all this going well at the same time. Even if you did have all that, your loneliness while still be there. Being happy is only possible by bearing suffering and trials in a healthy way, everyone has their suffering, even those who seems to enjoy life without pain. 

I'm sorry to say it plainly, but you certainly don't have been loved as you deserved to be loved when you were child. It's not about what you did (you said :"what I'm doing wrong to be lonely"), you did not do anything wrong, it's just your heart is still bleeding from a deep wound when you were little and weak. Now this wound is a poison to your whole life. If I take an image, you're little a pierced barrel of beer : you can fill it totally, it will empty quickly. That's not your fault, it was your parents' job to make sure you would not be pierced, and if you were anyway, they should have repaired the wound. But they didn't, and maybe they were so wounded too they couldn't. Now you have to heal this wound to get better.

 

I hope I'm not to harsh saying that. It's been a some time I follow your journal so I don't think I'm wrong. I had too a really lonely childhood, my parents were rich so they bought everything for me, but they never played with me or asked me how was my day at school. Even worse, my mother said me one day : "your sister is making me so many problems, you, work hard and be nice". I thought by doing this I would please my mother and receive the attention I was waiting for. I was wrong, I was still alone, mostly in front of my games, and I was unable to do friend at school, except with pariah who would quit the school 1 year later... I remember I once cried when one of my friend was playing with one of another friend of his because his attention was not on me anymore... and now I'm desperate too for attention, so desperate I was harassing my wife to sleep with me very often when she was not fertile, but it was never fulfiing more than 2 hours after, I was even more lonely after that, even if she did everything to serve me... I got better when she tried to understand my childhood. I never talked about it to her, because I was thinking "it's a painful past, I don't want to recall it and say bad things about my parents". She insisted to know everything and since she has done psychology studies, she knew what she had to ask to make me spill what I needed to. So I told her everything then I cried like a baby because it was just horrible and unfair. Now I feel better because I have been listened to, the wound is a bit healed but not totally. Was it too much to ask to my parents to love me and show it to me ? No, it's totally fair and justice, if you make children, you have to love them because they need it to grow up. I talked about myself just to say, you are not alone in that painful case and it's not your fault. For me who God is Love and everything worth, I'm always forgetting He loves me, and I'm always afraid he is angry at me, just because I have been so accustomed not being considered... As we say, old habits die hard !

 

So how to deal with this ? A therapist could help you a lot. If you're really against it (I'm typically kind of guy who takes ages to take an appointement to see a therapist, even if I know I need to), you can start talking to a good, compassionate and trustful friend and unfold all your painful past. It will help a lot.

 

Anyway, being such a hardworker and having so many qualities with such a burden, you are really someone valuable ! I pray with all my heart so you can heal.

Thank you. I do have a therapist. I just keep breaking down and am very insecure. I have to keep discussing this stuff with people because I can't hold on to it and I just keep reverting. I don't understand it. I didn't like my job because I felt like I had no motivation to do it. The paycheck was it.  There was no reason for me to write a report during my waking hours so I could be tired at night. It got worse when I moved home because the commute was now 3 hours and my mom would argue with me for the other waking 2 hours.

My mom does love me and I do love her. It's just she has so many problems that she is trying to get me to solve them without asking. She tries to listen to my issues, but does not offer any solution. She thinks that if I just get them off of my chest it's over and she can get her issues off. That's not how that works. If I open up to you and talk then I want my problem solved. Once my problem is solved I will solve your problem with you and together we can reach a solution. 

I was going to explain my whole story here, but it's not worth it. I don't think it is smart for me to be here. I'm upset because I wanted to own that house and be on my own. I should have bought it and just kept working there. I am so upset about this. But I just felt like I had no purpose in life doing this job. It was such high pressure to get something finished and then I'd never see it again. It was driving me insane how emotionally taxing this job was and that it meant nothing. I didn't even want to get promoted because of how angry and stressed my bosses were. They're all overweight, distant, very stressed, and operating at a "simmering" level. Where they could explode easily.

I'm starting to not care about others because I know they won't care about me. I haven't met a single person who has proven they care about me outside of my mom. That relationship is gone after tonight as well since we just got into a massive argument. It's just not right. I just want someone to love me and understand. 

I'm so upset because I wanted that house so badly. I just feel like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. I keep trying to talk to more and more people and I just can't find a single person who will be there. And unfortunately I have so many issues to talk about that I drive people away because they don't want to hear it anyways. I feel like I'm becoming emotionless.

I can't tell if I'm turning into a sociopath or a narcissist. I am developing traits of both. 

I just feel so lost. What's the point of working when I don't believe in the cause I'm working towards?  It's unrewarding being an engineer and I'm not motivated past the paycheck.  What's the point of making money if I buy a house to feel alone inside? Then return to work, trapped because I hate it and trapped in a mortgage? I'm trying to understand the reason for everything.  

Why was I neglected at times by multiple family members? The only reason I know I'm not a sociopath or narcissist is because when I see others hurting I feel like I've been stabbed and start to feel terrible. I want to help them so they never feel the pain or loneliness I felt.

I was happy enough going to work and having my apartment. I just felt ignored by my last roommate.  I expect people to talk to me and help me and be invested in my emotions. Nobody is. Everyone hates hearing my problems and always wants to talk to me about theirs. Life is such a let down. This forum has been nice because people listen, but I just don't know.

I got my degree in college for what feels like nothing. I put all my hope into this career to make my life better and I'm just as lonely. My roommates just wanted to play video games and just share memes with me and that's it. MEMES ARE NOT FUNNY OR A CONVERSATION PIECE.

I got angry and tried leaving that place and I moved home to save for a house. I saved for a house then let it go away and then got so depressed that I just quit my job because I couldn't take the job or the commute anymore.

Now I am home with a volatile relationship to my mother because she has a lot of issues to work on and spends all of her spare time helping others and herself. She doesn't help with my emotional problems because it's too much and she has her own. But it is easier to help other people than it is to help me, so that happens. Then I get bitter about it.

I just don't care anymore or understand life.

I appreciate your long post and I will re-read it tomorrow when my mind is clear.  I am so depressed today.

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I wanted to ask people what they live for, but I think it's not a destiny sort of thing. I think at the end of the day I want to be independent. I really can't take being at home anymore. I might just go back to engineering so I can have my own freedoms again. 

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