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BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

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I feel such an emotional disconnect with myself as if I've lost who I am or if I was ever anything in the first place.  Straight lines go straight when curved lines meander.  I guess it just means every line has a direction and the purpose for that line just happens to be cause and effect - or maybe just momentum. I look back at the path and try to put together the pieces that caused momentum and helped further the path.  But I also look away and laugh at a YouTube video where somebody uses a soundboard to disrupt and harass Ventrilo voice chat rooms.

I'm grabbing for sentimental pieces to put in my pockets when the pants I'm wearing don't necessarily have pockets and the place I'm going might not even require me to need pants in the first place.

I'm trying to understand what makes people decide to have children.  What is their goal for the children and their involvement with that person's life?  Biologically, we are meant to reproduce often to keep our species alive, much like other animals and organisms.  I ask this because I took the path to becoming an engineer and established professional.  I went to school until I was 27 and finished my masters while working full time.  I now had the ability to finally date and live life.  But I'm filled with wonder about what happiness and love are and if I truly understand it.  I remember loving my mom and the world.  I remember being obsessed with building, action figures, hockey, and creating things.  I've always had deep thoughts in my mind and wanted to create things after deeply thinking for hours.

Is that normal to critically think and fantasize for hours?  Did any of you pace back and forth or find moments of bliss and clarity when the night covered the world and we were alone in quiet with the stars above us.  What could we create and what will we get once we are there?  

I hold onto thoughts of happiness when I'd play kickball at school and come home to watch Dragonball Z and then Ed, Edd, n Eddy.  They had friends and I didn't once school ended.  I was alone and didn't spend time with any of the friends I'd made.  I lost all of those friends once high school ended.  I kept all of my friends on RuneScape added on my friends list past the point where they'd quit.  I held my online friends so dear to my heart and they didn't feel the same way for me.  I still remember all of the names of my RuneScape friends dating back to 2004 because they were all my only friends and the most important things in my world.

I used to pace around my home for hours daydreaming about being the 4th Ed in the show Ed, Edd, n Eddy and try to come up with scams and shows to be in.  I used to pretend I was a character on Dragonball Z and gain power levels to help fight enemies.  When I got too powerful and numbers meant nothing, I restarted the daydream and would repeat this for hours.

Video games let me talk to anyone I wanted at any time of the day.  I am lonely.  Humans are lonely.  I want people around me at all times.  I want friends all of the time.  I want to lead my troops on missions for things that don't involve killing or conquest.  I just want to lead my troops to the store and get groceries for a barbecue on top of a mountain that we need helicopters to reach while escaping from nothing.  I want to lead my friends to college at a massive complex university built for several thousand students and stay there forever as I do fun activities and see things that give me purpose.  These are the dreams I have ever night.  They make no sense.  I lead my group of 2-10 people on beautiful missions in outlandish settings for a prize of insignificance and meaninglessness, but I was with them, the scenery was beautiful, and we enjoyed the journey.

I spend so much time being angry at the facility I'm in and blame the people in my life for the anger I feel when I just don't seem to see the mystery, adventure, and intrigue that life seems to give me in my reminiscent dreams of things I've never experienced enough to reminisce about.  It's like I live two lives: my real life and my unconscious dream life.  I'm never happy or satisfied.  I don't just do things for the feeling of it.  I just chase goals and speed through the journey without smelling the roses.  

I don't think this is a mindfullness issue either where I focus on the food in my mouth to truly taste the steak instead of swallowing it for sustenance in order to do my next task because I won't be hungry anymore and can focus on the next thing.  Or maybe it is.  I rush the dinner, get angry about cooking the dinner, eat the dinner, and rush to work on something I'm frustrated with because my dreams are to see the end product and I get angry at the steps along the way.  I hold onto the memories of me as a kid watching TV but look back at how long ago those memories actually were.  It's because I don't relax and see it when it's there.  I don't taste the food or enjoy the journey.  I'm treating my life like a Netflix show, binge watching it to get to the end like a lifeless zombie instead of appreciating the characters in each episode regardless of whether they're going to be in the next one or not.  I ignore the settings the show takes place in instead of noticing it.  

The line I chose meanders because the ball rolls up and down embankments and takes the path of least resistance.  I think it's important for me to experience the ball rolling instead of understanding the importance of the structure of the path and why it shaped the direction when the path is still being made and can is held by a universe we know so little about.  

If you reached the end of this long post I would surmise that my point is I think too much and don't experience the journey.  Time for a deep breath and some mindfullness.

Matt 

 

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Kids - I think people have kids when they both decide that life is worth living and they'd like to extend that over another human. It's also quite a glorious project to basically take care of another human for about 20 years.

Love - I've been recommended recently that love is truth and I'll see how that works in my next romantic relationship! Both to yourself (and the other person) and that's a pretty huge deal. If you are truthful, you can solve problems that will occur, because they WILL occur.. There are people that treat their dog better than they treat themselves and I think that's wrong.

Happiness - I imagine happiness is something like going along the journey of life and seeing that things are actually looking pretty good. You can never fix ALL problems or do EVERYTHING. I've been at home for half a year playing games/watching streams and I don't think I've been in a happy place, quite the contrary. It was like one of those retirement "visions" that contained "drinking margaritas on a beach". For a week, sure. For next 10-15 years? You're probably gonna be an alcoholic by that point!

Truth - This one is tricky. You really need to be responsible and in charge of yourself to tell the truth. That means you can't be addicted, as the addiction's personality is basically in control of you. Then you are only truthful to the extent of your addiction, but you can't be 100% truthful if you have it.

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8 hours ago, Ikar said:

Kids - I think people have kids when they both decide that life is worth living and they'd like to extend that over another human. It's also quite a glorious project to basically take care of another human for about 20 years.

Love - I've been recommended recently that love is truth and I'll see how that works in my next romantic relationship! Both to yourself (and the other person) and that's a pretty huge deal. If you are truthful, you can solve problems that will occur, because they WILL occur.. There are people that treat their dog better than they treat themselves and I think that's wrong.

Happiness - I imagine happiness is something like going along the journey of life and seeing that things are actually looking pretty good. You can never fix ALL problems or do EVERYTHING. I've been at home for half a year playing games/watching streams and I don't think I've been in a happy place, quite the contrary. It was like one of those retirement "visions" that contained "drinking margaritas on a beach". For a week, sure. For next 10-15 years? You're probably gonna be an alcoholic by that point!

Truth - This one is tricky. You really need to be responsible and in charge of yourself to tell the truth. That means you can't be addicted, as the addiction's personality is basically in control of you. Then you are only truthful to the extent of your addiction, but you can't be 100% truthful if you have it.

Great response. Thank you. It's kind of strange that I started thinking about this after watching the movie No Country for Old Men and seeing the monologue at the end. 

I get frustrated because I'm depressed and just finished school and can't understand the feeling of raising a kid and bringing them back to school after I got out. I'm nowhere close ti having a kid obviously and it would be 5 years after birth that they'd be in school, but it's time. I think maybe it's depression talking since I'm not really happy or experiencing love yet.

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I took the time today to write a 3,500 word article about addiction and habits.  I wrote a lot about willpower and the fundamentals of life.  It was a great process for me and it took over 6 hours to do.  I would like to post it on the website I'm creating, but I'm worried that a lot of it is material from other professionals and I'll just be taken as some hack.  I just really like to take notes from the books and articles I've read and the videos I've watched regarding addiction, willpower, and habits.

I think I'll post it and I'll link it here.  Hopefully it helps people.  I'm going to be creating a blog for self improvement and comedy once I get things straightened out.

I was happy I wrote the article today because I woke up 5 hours later than I normally would due to anger and frustration.  I decided to slow those down and just focus on the good things.  

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Today was productive as well.  I got really frustrated this morning because I had no willpower.  I got sad and wanted to just give up and go back to work, but I ate breakfast, took a shower, shaved and looked good.  Then I contacted a gym to figure out if I want to go there.  I then panicked again.

I panicked because there's so much I want to do and feel lost sometimes. But I remember I wrote out a structured outline for every project I wanted to work on, so I looked at all of my projects and decided I wanted to work on the cartoon today since I wrote a blog post yesterday.  I spent 8 hours writing today and finished my first script of the cartoon.  I thoroughly enjoyed the writing process and feel very good about it.  I'm meeting with my artist tomorrow and feel like we're on a roll now.

I got a dopamine rush getting excited to write my cartoon script, but my body was confusing that for the dopamine rush for watching porn.  I did not watch porn.  I stretched, changed my environment, and relaxed. I then went and wrote.

Matt

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I wanted to add that I'm trying to settle down my racing thoughts.  I still panic about quitting my job, insurance, and steady paycheck.  I'm treating this as a mental therapy break.  If I somehow find myself making money with my hobbies then I'll be happy.  If not, I'll be happy with the fact that I've taken months of time developing skills to spend my time doing after work.  Over the next few months I'll be learning to animate, video edit, write, exercise, perform comedy, produce a website, write books, write scripts, and live life a bit more fearlessly because of willpower and confidence boosts.

I'm hoping this experience humbles me and helps me stop worrying about others and only worry about myself instead.  I want to feel comfortable knowing that I can do productive activities outside of work and I can learn new things.  It took me over 2 years to transfer that script into a proper program because I was scared. Instead, I spent 8 hours doing it today and really enjoyed it.  

If not, I might try taking CBD oil in a few months to calm my anxiety and just keep going. I do want to own my own house one day and I will always regret not buying that house. I'm just using the experience as a reminder that I can buy a house one day and when I appreciate life more I'll be ready to stick it out and buy an even better house.

 

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I had a really busy day with my artist.  We revised our character drawings, background drawings, and created a list of things to do for artwork regarding character rigs, background creation, camera angles, etc.  We also read the script, made several good revisions, and set up a schedule for that as well.

I feel very happy about that.  I feel that as I come home tonight I want to continue doing more productive things.  I think I'm mixing up "being hard on myself" and "wanting to do something productive".  I'm pretty tired since we worked together for 9 hours and we drove a total of 2 hours.  It's kind of like a normal work day.  I just find that I have more energy right now to work on something fun and I shouldn't feel bad about that.  I want to learn some animation techniques for future projects because I enjoy doing it.  Maybe this is encouraging me to keep living life outside of work and that being creative on projects doesn't mean I'm "working". I'm just "creating" and sometimes it takes thought.  Not all nights will be like this.  I might want to read or something as well.

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I feel like such a failure.  I'm watching porn a lot and I'm constantly battling with the regret of quitting my job. I am having trouble just following the path.  I was feeling better about what has been happening in my life, but I watched porn 6 times in the past 2 days.  I also watch before bed each night.  This keeps me awake an extra 3 hours each night and it's affecting my mood.  I already chose this decision, I already chose that I would create my websites, make youtube videos, write my cartoon, perform stand up comedy again, and learn to treat myself better by following routines because I know routines provide certainty in my life that I rely on for stability.  I'm not doing this and I'm looking for people to explode on so I get into arguments with my mom and people online and don't want to help others because I just want help for something I already figured out.

Porn and chronic masturbation are killing me and making me upset.  I am struggling so much with this.  I was able to quit video games because I started being more social with real friends. I played video games because I was lonely.  I watch porn because I want some intimacy with a woman and to feel comfortable with her.  Unfortunately, I live with my mom and it's gonna be awkward.   

Also, this fallacy that having sex will improve my life is just that - a fallacy.  Having one night stands is just a more realistic form of masturbation.  They last one night, like masturbation, and don't fulfill what I really want.  I want a partner I can trust and build a life with.  I want to share hobbies, days, and experiences together.  Porn and masturbation do not bring this to me and neither will one night stands.  I need to get it through my skull that if I stop watching porn and chronically masturbating that I will be able to discover things about myself that will help me enjoy life more.  I'll be able to see things in a woman past her looks.  I am only attracted to women who look like porn stars right now and that's not real. Porn isn't real - it's a fucking sickness.  All of the scenarios are fake, never happened, and are honestly sickening. 

I want to quit these things because I'm brainwashing myself from seeing the true value of a woman and her companionship.  I am being unfair to myself and every woman in the world because my mind is always in the gutter and I'm creating this delusion about life, women, love, and happiness.  I have these few months now to focus on my hobbies, which I am. I have 3 websites bought and I'm creating them.  I wrote a lot of my cartoon already, and I have several ideas for the books, YouTube videos, and stand up comedy I want to do.  I just need to do it.

I am setting myself up for failure by watching porn at night, then getting urethral burning for an hour after finishing because I am too aggressive when I masturbate and masturbate too much.  I go into bed at 11, look for the perfect porn video for over an hour until midnight or later, watch for like 10 minutes, angrily close all of my porn tabs and feel like a failure, try to go to bed, wake up and feel pain for an hour when I urinate, try to calm down, then I get angry at myself for another 2 hours because I didn't want to watch porn in the first place.  Now it's like 3 AM and I realize I need to wake up in the morning and can't sleep.  I zone out until 4 Am and wake up at 8 AM for work or now since I quit, I wake up at noon. 

Porn has really hampered my life and created imbalance.  I'm at the phase where even masturbation without porn is bad.  If I keep this up I'll start to get a bad feeling about sex and never find that intimacy with a woman regardless of how much healing I go through.  I need to take this stand. I need to do it.

I'm sorry for not commenting on other people's pages, but I just have nothing to offer at this stage other than my honesty about my own predicament. I'm 32 weeks free of gaming and proud of that, but I'm only able to go 5 days without porn and then I watch it 5-10 times in one day and go on benders. I've never faced anything so difficult in my life.

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Hey Matt. I really don't envy your situation. You got a lot of things you need to deal with, and none of them are going to be taken care of overnight. Additionally, your situation is further complicated by the fact that you don't have a steady job anymore, which means: no money, less routine, relative isolation, and in your case, an awkward scenario where you're living with your parents under non-ideal conditions. Few guys in their 20s wants to be living with their parents, let alone with all the rest of that burden.

The worst thing about when I left grad school in 2015 was the isolation and shame of having to move back in with my parents. Holy you-know-what I was depressed and frustrated. All my engineering friends were making good money at So-and-So Chemical Co., or rocking it in grad school,  and I was making $0 a month. 

The best thing that happened to me during that time was a job I landed at a restaurant that was opening up. I didn't even search  for it, but when I saw a table recruiting at a mall, I felt something inside me that was saying "Get out of your house, this is the right thing to do." And it was. It was embarrassing being the one of a few adults working amongst a bunch of teens and people who were completely washed up, but I guess I was kind of washed up too at that point. The whole thing sucked, but it was honestly the only thing that saved me during that time. I got to pay my student loans, and I got to get away from my parents. I felt much better for it.

To be very clear, this post is not a condemnation of your choice. You did something very risky and very stressful by quitting your job. On top of that, you are making zero income from what you've switched to.Yeah, I can see why you're stressed and acting the way you are.

You're a rational human being and were faced with a dicey situation, and you're only a few weeks into seeing the fruits of your choice, but you have to find something to do outside of your home that provides you with some of the good emotions your job provided. Your job sucked, but it paid the bills, you had more social contact with people outside your home, and you probably felt some level of expertise in what you did. That's a big hole to fill, and unsurprisingly, struggling through starting a new career from scratch (essentially), dealing with a difficult parent, and having gaming AND porn addictions doesn't fill that (I assume). Try to find something that you can latch onto that helps you fill some of the emotional and/or physical needs you're missing.

Apologies for the unasked-for advice--this just reminded me of myself a bit.

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7 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Hey Matt. I really don't envy your situation. You got a lot of things you need to deal with, and none of them are going to be taken care of overnight. Additionally, your situation is further complicated by the fact that you don't have a steady job anymore, which means: no money, less routine, relative isolation, and in your case, an awkward scenario where you're living with your parents under non-ideal conditions. Few guys in their 20s wants to be living with their parents, let alone with all the rest of that burden.

The worst thing about when I left grad school in 2015 was the isolation and shame of having to move back in with my parents. Holy you-know-what I was depressed and frustrated. All my engineering friends were making good money at So-and-So Chemical Co., or rocking it in grad school,  and I was making $0 a month. 

The best thing that happened to me during that time was a job I landed at a restaurant that was opening up. I didn't even search  for it, but when I saw a table recruiting at a mall, I felt something inside me that was saying "Get out of your house, this is the right thing to do." And it was. It was embarrassing being the one of a few adults working amongst a bunch of teens and people who were completely washed up, but I guess I was kind of washed up too at that point. The whole thing sucked, but it was honestly the only thing that saved me during that time. I got to pay my student loans, and I got to get away from my parents. I felt much better for it.

To be very clear, this post is not a condemnation of your choice. You did something very risky and very stressful by quitting your job. On top of that, you are making zero income from what you've switched to.Yeah, I can see why you're stressed and acting the way you are.

You're a rational human being and were faced with a dicey situation, and you're only a few weeks into seeing the fruits of your choice, but you have to find something to do outside of your home that provides you with some of the good emotions your job provided. Your job sucked, but it paid the bills, you had more social contact with people outside your home, and you probably felt some level of expertise in what you did. That's a big hole to fill, and unsurprisingly, struggling through starting a new career from scratch (essentially), dealing with a difficult parent, and having gaming AND porn addictions doesn't fill that (I assume). Try to find something that you can latch onto that helps you fill some of the emotional and/or physical needs you're missing.

Apologies for the unasked-for advice--this just reminded me of myself a bit.

I appreciate it.  I have a lot of projects I want to work on and I just feel another job will hurt me.  I find that when I'm working on these projects I feel better about myself and feel busy.  I think if I replace porn with meaningful interactions with people and self love, then I will be successful.  I haven't craved video games since October.  I see friends now instead and talk a lot.  I now need to figure out why I watch porn and replace it.

I watch porn for self esteem, self love, interaction with women (mental), flirting (mental), sex (mental), and feeling like a man. Feeling powerful, confident, and worthwhile. The adrenaline rush of exertion etc.  I think the gym, yoga, and talking to some women I find appealing will be helpful here.  There are two women I'm interested in and knowing how outgoing and flirtatious I am I know I'll continue to meet them at the gym, hobbies, cookouts, etc. I'm just going to build confidence off of the gym and hobbies and socializing, while building willpower through meditation, a reliable schedule, and confidence with the hobbies.

I have a feeling I'll return to engineering in September, but if I do then I'll have 3 websites built, confidence in uploading YouTube videos full time, confidence writing my cartoon, confidence writing a book, and a set mentality for exercising for stress release instead of being a pro body builder.  I expect too much perfection of myself and treat too many things like jobs.  You're right.  It's only 2 weeks in.  I am fine.

When I go back to work I'll treat people like coworkers, not friends, and just look towards my friends for friendship and not my coworkers.  That's not real.  I also want to build willpower to ignore these people who suck the life from me.  I talk to these people at work who just won't shut the fuck up about their lives and then they don't care about mine.  It's irritating. 

I'm going to try and sleep at a normal time tonight to start my new routine for sleep.

Matt

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Damn, your post made me a bit scared, so I wrote down some actionable points I have to solve in order for my summer trip to be successful and some future ideas regarding my work involvement.

I'm also living with my parents right now, but I've been on my own for about year and a half before. Now, I am at home for the past year (where the possibility of living with my ex in the future existed and was a viable thing to work for, so my landscape shifted in that regard three months ago), but I pay them a healthy amount of money as a rent, so I get treated as an associate in a way. I'm also slowly figuring out my next steps regarding teaching English, because I don't want to be stuck with them forever, once I start earning some reasonable amount of money again.

Regarding women, I think you have it nailed down. You want to have something to offer (even if it's in the making) and you want stability (so you save yourself the trouble of future breakup/divorce). Keep climbing the competence hierarchy!

 

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

***, your post made me a bit scared, so I wrote down some actionable points I have to solve in order for my summer trip to be successful and some future ideas regarding my work involvement.

I'm also living with my parents right now, but I've been on my own for about year and a half before. Now, I am at home for the past year (where the possibility of living with my ex in the future existed and was a viable thing to work for, so my landscape shifted in that regard three months ago), but I pay them a healthy amount of money as a rent, so I get treated as an associate in a way. I'm also slowly figuring out my next steps regarding teaching English, because I don't want to be stuck with them forever, once I start earning some reasonable amount of money again.

Regarding women, I think you have it nailed down. You want to have something to offer (even if it's in the making) and you want stability (so you save yourself the trouble of future breakup/divorce). Keep climbing the competence hierarchy!

 

It is ok.

I am going to write a list of cues that lead me to watching porn and just be mindful of them:

  1. Becoming tired
  2. Feeling a dopamine rush of any sort to do something such as writing, go out, see friends, do a hobby
    1. This includes waking up in the morning and feeling the desire to do something. Porn is that fake thing that makes the day worth while, but is a lie
  3. Being stressed out with being afraid to start a project or assignment, but wanting to feel accomplishment
  4. Dating
  5. Reading
  6. Anxiety attacks regarding my stomach condition, dying, being afraid, or nerves
  7. Seeing a picture or video of any woman on the internet (I apologize if this offends anyone, but my mind is trained to be aroused by women on screens right now. This will change)
  8. Feeling depressed about my self esteem, low worth, and wanting to love myself
  9. Being very hungry

There might be more, but I can't think of them right now.  I think just noticing cues, recognizing what triggers a relapse, and being mindful of it will help me fix my environment to avoid it.  I am keeping all internet products out of my room, using an old alarm clock, and eating food when hungry or just sleeping when I'm tired.

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That's a long list!

I think I was on a daily masturbation habit when I joined GQ for a good while. I even did a week long no-fap as a challenge to myself and it went fine, I didn't have uncontrollable urges. Indefinite no-fap seems strange to me though. It still fluctuates for me, but I do it about thrice a week, I think daily is too much. I think there's a merit in "practicing" and considering how does it make you feel though. I'm not a ONS guy either.

If you do it in two minutes, while watching porn (that you already feel nervous about, because you were finding the "perfect" scene for an hour already) and then feel despicable for the rest of the day, that's not good.

I shifted myself towards "practicing". No visual, imagination only, constant stimulation, self-control, +10 minutes. I really don't want to be the guy with ED or PE. I think my woman in the future will be more satisfied too!

There's an interesting guide on this in the spoiler, hope that helps!

 

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I don't think it's worth being a sports fan anymore.  I'm tired of investing hours into something and being so passionately dedicated to something out of my control.  When you lose it's just debilitating. 

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Also, I apologize for spamming people if they get notifications for my posts. That is not my intention.  I just have a lot on my mind recently and hope I'm not disturbing anyone.

Anyhow, I also wanted to point out that I'm starting to lean away from stand up comedy ideas.  Although I really want to perform and have had success with comedy, most of my stand up comedy is either self deprecating or stemmed by anger and in a rant form.  I don't think it's healthy to seek attention through anger and hatred either directed towards my self or others.  Writing my cartoon has opened my eyes to situational humor, which I've always been amazing at, and I'm starting to enjoy it more. I have a talent for completely taking apart a situation and hurting people's feelings in a funny way.  I did this because it was the only way for me to survive abusive situations as a child. I just don't like it anymore.  I hate hurting people's feelings and I don't want to be the center of my own hatred anymore.  Maybe improv comedy for situational humor is what I'm actually looking for, but I'll have to think about it. 

This is tough because I really want to make funny videos on YouTube, but they're all centered around anger. I want to make videos where I make fun of these fake people trying to be social media influencers and take advantage of others for money. I'd be great as tearing them down and making myself look good in the process, but what's the point?  I don't want to be known as the rant guy anymore.  I don't like being angry all of the time and I don't want to target other people for attention. This is something I'll think about for a while, but we'll see what happens. Maybe there is a more creative outlet for my comedy that I can still post on YouTube aside from my cartoon and book ideas. Or maybe I'll just give in and do these things for attention. Idk. I don't really want to though.

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Hi, @BooksandTrees

Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories.

I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.

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31 minutes ago, Catherine17 said:

Hi, @BooksandTrees

Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories.

I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.

I'll check it out now, the funk soul brother.

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I'm not going to relapse, but I really miss how often I could talk to people on video games.  I feel like so many of my friends are such a giant let down. I'm usually good about this, but I dislike how little people care about others.  My friends still rarely contact me first and it's usually some crap.  I just feel so empty most of the time.  My mom wants to help other people instead of me because of how confident I am.  I don't display being pathetic so she just leaves me to my own devices and just helps others or talks to others.

My dad wants to talk to me, but I'm not ready for that.

My friends just talk if there's a purpose for it. I miss people just talking to talk.

I really hate being lonely and want some social involvement. I spoke about this and encourage others, but usually like 5 times a year I get very let down by how much effort I have to put in to socialize with others in order to get something in return. I'm usually comfortable doing this and can get people together, but if I don't do it my friends are mutes and don't start anything. Most of the people I've met in the past 10 years fit into one of these categories: introverts who don't like to socialize or plan anything, people who used to plan things but now just hang out with their significant other and I won't see them until they break up, are just fake friends and weren't interested in being my friend anyways, or just there because they're obligated like most of my family. Not everyone fits these categories, but many do, and it's disappointing. I think they view friendship as a convenience thing.

"He's within 30 minutes of me so I'll schedule a hang out where we can each drive 15 minutes" or "he has a girlfriend also, we can do a double date instead of a 3rd wheel thing because my significant other feels awkward and I'm too pathetic to hang out alone with my friends now that I'm in a relationship". It's just annoying. People want to hear I'm doing well so they can get instant gratification and move on to their problems or move forward. I think people today view their friends like Instagram feeds. They like good posts and scroll down, then scroll past bad posts, then try to post themselves.

And before anyone gives advice, I don't really want it. I apologize. I know I can join Meetup groups, I know how to meet people, I know how to join clubs, and I know I go to bed in 2 hours and I'll see my friends tomorrow for rock climbing and I have a bachelor party this weekend. I get that. But I just miss talking to someone at night. I miss calling a friend or talking online to friends at night after work to unwind and not have to go to some shit bar. I'm a little tired of it.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My mom wants to help other people instead of me because of how confident I am.  I don't display being pathetic so she just leaves me to my own devices and just helps others or talks to others.

So tell her this isn't how things are, tell her you need more of her. Things get better with honesty and transparency. 

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On 6/3/2019 at 7:36 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I am going to write a list of cues that lead me to watching porn and just be mindful of them:

  1. Becoming tired
  2. Feeling a dopamine rush of any sort to do something such as writing, go out, see friends, do a hobby
    1. This includes waking up in the morning and feeling the desire to do something. Porn is that fake thing that makes the day worth while, but is a lie
  3. Being stressed out with being afraid to start a project or assignment, but wanting to feel accomplishment
  4. Dating
  5. Reading
  6. Anxiety attacks regarding my stomach condition, dying, being afraid, or nerves
  7. Seeing a picture or video of any woman on the internet (I apologize if this offends anyone, but my mind is trained to be aroused by women on screens right now. This will change)
  8. Feeling depressed about my self esteem, low worth, and wanting to love myself
  9. Being very hungry

If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... 

 

About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one.

 

I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.

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2 hours ago, Mouxine said:

You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification.

I agree with that 100%. Once you go ONS-mode, you make sex casual. You should take the possibility of having kids with that person seriously and therefore you should have serious intentions with them too.

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12 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

So tell her this isn't how things are, tell her you need more of her. Things get better with honesty and transparency. 

I've had this conversation with her and she's having a difficult time doing it because of the way she prioritizes issues unfortunately. She's trying very hard to help her friend not be homeless right now, but he won't put any effort into it unless she does it all for him.  It's a toxic friendship and she doesn't see it and thinks if he is homeless it is her fault. He has put zero effort into finding a new apartment although he has a job. He's getting kicked out and is just making pity statements to my mom so she does it all for him. Then he goes around asking me if I want to go fishing and have fun. She gets all happy that I'm "getting attention from a male figure" and ignores the fact that he's using her, I hate him, and I'm more successful than them and don't need that in my life right now. She's just acting pathetic because she wants help and doesn't like herself enough to solve her own problems so she's outwardly trying to help someone else as a cry for attention. She's in no place to help me and I have come to grips with it. So I'm just not talking to her unless it's something casual now.

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3 hours ago, Mouxine said:

If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... 

 

About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one.

 

I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.

Reading is there because when I read too long I get irritated that I want to know the conclusion right away. I want to know the climax instead of a boring part. So I just get the dopamine rush to keep reading, but it's boring at this phase because I don't want to read anymore. I just want to know what happened. So that dopamine rush triggers a memory of a dopamine rush to watch porn and I go to watch porn instead.

I'm annoyed with the friendship thing as well. I think I am desperate for attention. I really want people to talk to me at all times. I don't understand why? People like me. I have friends who invite me to things. I just desperately want people around me. I was lonely my whole life and finally had friends on RuneScape. I had a few best friends growing up and they'd leave my life. It was so painful. I realized if I wanted to avoid pain and loneliness I would just keep making many friends so I always had a security blanket from loneliness. I don't have any best friends because I don't want the pain of losing them to come back. It has happened multiple times. I just want people surrounding me at all times. If I am lonely I start to think about how sad I am and what I'm doing wrong to be lonely. Even if it's a "normal time" to be lonely, like 1 hour before bed. I just feel abandoned and sad. It has to do with things in my childhood and I don't know how to deal with that. RuneScape let me talk to 100-200 people at all times. It was fun getting to know random people and trying to get them to be close friends. I miss that. The only issue is whenever I was insecure I would just keep playing.

I played RuneScape for escaping pains of loneliness, I watch porn to escape pains of intimacy loneliness, and I get angry to escape pains of sadness. This turns me into a stereotypical angry gamer who doesn't have sex and is lonely. I miss gaming, but it prevents me from achieving other things like learning to animate or something. Plus, I'd never meet a woman online gaming. Most of them are catfishers or just manipulators.

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14 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I agree with that 100%. Once you go ONS-mode, you make sex casual. You should take the possibility of having kids with that person seriously and therefore you should have serious intentions with them too.

I don't want kids right now. I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc.

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