Dear Diary...

[Amphibian220]

This is another stage in becoming stronger as a man, wishing your family well.

Edited February 21 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

Thank you for the kind words of support you guys. It's been very difficult to deal with this but I'm taking it day to day. 

Sometimes the nurses here are very confusing and rude to deal with and other times they're friendly, nice, and caring. I think it just depends on the nurse we get. 

Our son is progressing very well so far but we're always on the lookout for any set back that may occur. It's not always a straight shot to recovery from the hospital so we try to stay even keeled. 

I haven't really been able to write at all, but my wife and I developed a schedule to follow each day and we're making sure to do either important tasks or mental and physical health boosts. I've been doing lots of yoga each day and really feeling the benefits. I feel like I'm doing something for my body to appreciate it. I used to just go through the motions but now that I'm more stressed and providing for a child, I've found yoga to be more intentional than I did before when I lived alone. I think it's because I know it's helping preserve my health as I care for others. I did not value myself before and therfore did not care. 

I hope you're all doing well and sorry for not checking your journals lately. Internet in the hospital is not great and we're taking care of our kid most of the time there. 

[Dark]

Wow, just found your journal, there is huge proggression can be seen. Good luck and stay well!

[BooksandTrees]

On 3/2/2024 at 5:17 AM, Dark said:

Wow, just found your journal, there is huge proggression can be seen. Good luck and stay well!

Thank you! I'll check yours soon once I have more time. I hope you're well. 

[BooksandTrees]

I didn't realize it's been a month. My baby is home after 2 months in the hospital. He's ok and healthy. I'm very grateful and I love him more than anything in the world. My wife is ok I think. 

I'm struggling. That's all I have time to write at the moment. I just haven't healed fully from what happened, the trauma of being in the hospital for 2 months, and then everyone wanting to see him at home and not realizing he was very sick. His feeding is emotionally difficult now because he's cluster feeding and screams when hungry. 

Unfortunately, his screams forever remind me of some of the screams he made in the hospital when he was sick. I can't help but remember those difficult times. I've never felt so helpless.

It's not all bad though. He's cute, warm, loving, funny, smart, loves napping on me, loves when we sing, makes funny noises, and just fills my heart with a love I didn't know I had. I'd give him the world if I could. 

Lots of emotional Ups and downs I'm learning. I'm always worried my wife is ok. She's finally seeing a therapist this week. I'm so glad. It's hard not to forget that she almost died as well. And when she cries at home, I remember her cries during the 2 months at the hospital. And there's just some days I can't help. Another wave of helplessness. But she's strong and persevering. I love her very much. 

[Ikar]

On 4/1/2024 at 6:41 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I didn't realize it's been a month. My baby is home after 2 months in the hospital. He's ok and healthy. I'm very grateful and I love him more than anything in the world. My wife is ok I think. 

I'm struggling. That's all I have time to write at the moment. I just haven't healed fully from what happened, the trauma of being in the hospital for 2 months, and then everyone wanting to see him at home and not realizing he was very sick. His feeding is emotionally difficult now because he's cluster feeding and screams when hungry. 

Unfortunately, his screams forever remind me of some of the screams he made in the hospital when he was sick. I can't help but remember those difficult times. I've never felt so helpless.

It's not all bad though. He's cute, warm, loving, funny, smart, loves napping on me, loves when we sing, makes funny noises, and just fills my heart with a love I didn't know I had. I'd give him the world if I could. 

Lots of emotional Ups and downs I'm learning. I'm always worried my wife is ok. She's finally seeing a therapist this week. I'm so glad. It's hard not to forget that she almost died as well. And when she cries at home, I remember her cries during the 2 months at the hospital. And there's just some days I can't help. Another wave of helplessness. But she's strong and persevering. I love her very much. 

It's beautiful that you care about your wife and child so much. I can't imagine how exhausting and extremely stressful it must be. I hope you can recover some energy, so you can give it to your family further. Respect to you for navigating so well this far!

[BooksandTrees]

Being a parent is so tough. Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

I love him so much and I feel so wonderful being a dad. But at night, his digestion is developing and he struggles with it. He cries for a long time. It's not colic but it's infant dyschezia. Very similar though but crying stops after he has a bowel movement. 

I think when I can't get him to stop crying I sit here and just wonder if I'm failing him. Am I a moron for thinking I was ready to be a dad? Was I ignorant?

I don't think so. 

I just think I'm sleep deprived on top of suffering from what happened when he was born. That paired with my major depression is rough to deal with. I feel hopeless a lot of the time, but then he smiles at me or cuddles with me and I feel like the king of the world and my heart melts for him. 

It's a crazy swing of emotions. I think I've got this. I hope I do at least. My father bailed on my mom and me when I was this young. I seek to be there for my son every step of the way. 

[wheatbiscuit]

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Being a parent is so tough. Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

I love him so much and I feel so wonderful being a dad. But at night, his digestion is developing and he struggles with it. He cries for a long time. It's not colic but it's infant dyschezia. Very similar though but crying stops after he has a bowel movement. 

I think when I can't get him to stop crying I sit here and just wonder if I'm failing him. Am I a moron for thinking I was ready to be a dad? Was I ignorant?

I don't think so. 

I just think I'm sleep deprived on top of suffering from what happened when he was born. That paired with my major depression is rough to deal with. I feel hopeless a lot of the time, but then he smiles at me or cuddles with me and I feel like the king of the world and my heart melts for him. 

It's a crazy swing of emotions. I think I've got this. I hope I do at least. My father bailed on my mom and me when I was this young. I seek to be there for my son every step of the way. 

Make sure that you're not alone and have contact with other parents too! I was 19 when I first read 'it takes a village', and knew it was true then, even being me. You're doing a great job.

Edited April 13 by wheatbiscuit

[BooksandTrees]

15 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Make sure that you're not alone and have contact with other parents too! I was 19 when I first read 'it takes a village', and knew it was true then, even being me. You're doing a great job.

Thank you!

[BooksandTrees]

Things are going good now. My wife and I implemented a new schedule to get us longer stretches of sleep. I feel like a new person lol. I'm very grateful for our communication strength and creativity. 

Thanks for your support and reading these. I've also lost 10 lbs. It feels nice. 

[Pochatok]

On 4/11/2024 at 11:48 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. 

Hey! Just here (as the oldest sibling of 5, my youngest being 2 and 5) to say that others' pain is not always something you can fix. Imo, the most important thing you offer is your presence- even if he's crying, he knows you're there for him. Sometimes that's the best you can do- and that's ok. 

As he develops and learns to hold himself, he will remember you holding him, telling him that it will all be okay ❤️ 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm absolutely struggling. My baby can't sleep in the crib yet, so one of us has to hold him at all times during the night. He'll spit up and scream when he's in there. We're working with the doctor on it. I'm just going to discuss its effects on me though. 

I get 4 hours of sleep a day now tops. My wife and I each lose half the day covering each other while we either sleep or do house stuff. I see so many parents online talking about how they can put their kids in a bouncer or something or they sleep in a crib. 

My wife and I are getting very irritable and there is animosity brewing. We're arguing more than ever before because of it. But we're not fighting if that makes sense. It's more just trying to communicate properly. 

I've never felt the urge to relapse more than I have now. I'm so desperate to play mobile games while I hold my baby for the 4 hour shift. I'm watching tv Instead. Idk if that's any different. Probably not. 

He fucking screams bloody murder if you put him down and he's not on you. It's unreal. I love bonding with him but I can't do any of my hobbies, health upkeep, house upkeep, rest, communicate with people, go shopping, etc. 

I'm glad he's not in the hospital anymore. Things have gotten a lot better. It's just difficult because he doesn't sleep on his own or even lay down for 10 minutes yet. 

I miss writing my book. I haven't written in 4 months. 

The newborn period for a baby is unbelievably difficult. 

Please keep in mind I love my wife and son more than anything in the world and love this time with them too. I'm not complaining about that. It's just the fact that the journey has been so difficult every step of the way. I'm just beat down. 

[Vee]

That sounds incredibly difficult! It's ok to vent - it's a stressful situation, even though it's nobody's doing.

Do you feel you have a good level of support from family and/or friends?