Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

January 1st. I think I should use this period of increased motivation in order to try to change something. Although I know I'll fail, so I don't know if I should even attempt it.

[Zala]

10 hours ago, SuperSaiyanGod said:

Although I know I'll fail, so I don't know if I should even attempt it.

Even if you do fail, why not give it a go? Maybe it's like with smoking, even if you go back to smoking, your body gets a break from poison for a couple of days, weeks, months ...

[J(e)RK]

10 hours ago, SuperSaiyanGod said:

January 1st. I think I should use this period of increased motivation in order to try to change something. Although I know I'll fail, so I don't know if I should even attempt it.

Increased motivation is great. Just be sure to prepare yourself mentally for when the other shoe drops.

Maybe you need to do something about your computer. It's been a while since I've messed with much computer stuff, but perhaps you should consider uninstalling some files which are necessary for the game to run, if possible. If not, maybe look up a guide on how to blacklist websites and blacklist the place where you download this game. The more walls in between you and the game, the better. If nothing else, it will take up some time and hopefully prevent you from playing for at least a few minutes.

My last tip for now is just not to worry about the long-run. You don't know how your life is going to end, and nobody can tell you, so the best thing to do is to see how your video games affect you NOW. Not that you can't imagine living without them, not that your life is going to go poorly if you continue down this road, but why you should quit in this moment. if you can't find a reason, then look harder, or maybe games aren't the issue here after all. I'm not sure how much you admit to yourself, since you said that you keep a more detailed journal in real life, but the more you can learn about yourself, the better. Knowledge is power, after all. If you feel like you don't know your true self anymore due to the addictions, then try to remember a time before the addiction. It doesn't define you.

Best of luck, JRK

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I have absolutely no ability to start writing the paper I have assigned. The plan was to start on Wednesday. Now it's 7am on Sunday. I have spent about 2 hours total on research. In my mind, it is completely impossible for me to write it, it seems too hard. I sleep as much as possible at any time of day to escape. I deleted my video games yesterday evening, because I kept distracting myself with them. I don't think it's going to work, I can just find other distractions. I feel so horrible, so stressed out. This is going to be the greatest failure ever.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I haven't slept so well at least in weeks. I wake up 6-8, shower, breakfast, then I go to school to study, even though I only have some classes in the evenings. While I'm there, I still waste a lot of time, but at least I don't sleep during the day. I get very sleepy around 5pm. When I come home towards the evening, I still can't do anything productive, but I am so tired I pretty much fall asleep right away.

I also don't eat as much as I used to - around three times a day. Sometimes I eat way too much, but I still think it's better than eating some snack all the time.

I don't game, but only because I had to take a break so that I can catch up with my studies. I know it's going to ruin all my habits again, but I'm going to be honest: I'm waiting for Tuesday evening so that I can download and play my latest game again. But I'll see what happens.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I was panicking for two whole weeks. I finished the essay yesterday and I just finished my other project. Maybe it's just an illusion, but now I feel this whole panic was completely unnecessary - because when I had to, I dealt with these problems like this:

So now's the time when I don't have any more projects and all I have left is two exams two weeks from now. Which means I can get back to gaming. But now I don't want to. These past few days have been very stressful, yes, but in many ways they were much better then the past few months - I repaired my sleeping habits almost overnight, I spent a lot of time out of the apartment, doing way more productive things that usual, and every time I got home in the evening I was sleepy and was able to fall asleep easily. So I don't think I'll get back to gaming, at least for now. I have almost two weeks to prepare for the first exam. My plan is to read one chapter of the textbook a day. I'm going to continue spending most of my time outside even though I don't have to. My life is much better.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I literally aced almost the entire term. I cheated on one exam. Otherwise I was extremely pessimistic about everything, and then I got an A from everything.

Now I'm in the middle of a one-week break. I've deleted all my games this night, I went to sleep at 6am. Woke up at 4pm. I want to get rid of this time-eater so that I can be content and productive. I expect my sleeping habits to fix themselves before I return to class. I also expect a lot of boredom.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I don't know why, but I haven't been gaming for 6 days now. Also trying to regulate my sleeping habits and eating reasonably well. I spend a lot of time on the internet, and also quite a lot of time at college, as I've had several things to do. I've been writing down everything I needed to do and most of it is ticked off right niw, including cleaning the room - it hasn't looked so good at least in half a year.

Here's a weird thing. I'm feeling lazy today (Sunday), but it's a different kind of lazy. Usually my lazy i about gaming, youtube, internet etc. Today I feel like not doing any of that. I feel like reading, and I have a similar desire to play some video game, but it's nothing serious. But most of all, I don't want to spend another minute mindlessly browsing reddit or youtube. I'm just disgusted with that. I think I'll go for a walk soon, see how that goes.

[Zala]

Just giving you thumbs up!

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I no longer believe I'm addicted to anything. I think I do have some compulsion regarding video games, but since I've stopped worrying about it, it's been MUCH weaker. I am able to concentrate farily well on real-life tasks whenever I need to. I am engaged in several projects right now. Honestly, since I've taken a bit more lightweight approach to this whole addiction thing, my life has been much better.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'm thinking about suicide almost all the time. I'll buy some sort of cord today and then decide what to do with it.

[Piotr]

Suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problems.

Don't even think about it. It's not worth it. Instead connect with people, meet with someone, or call, or text. Do what you want, what makes you trully happy. If you can't find such thing, do something that you've never done before. Just do anything and this will pass.

Greetings, Piotr.

[WorkInProgress]

Get some professional help. I wished I could walk by your house and talk out of this shit. But I am not there. If you have noone to talk to get professional help. Suicidal tendencies is nothing normal or rational. It is a sign you need help. NOW is the time to get it. 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'd like to start a youtube channel but I think it's going to be shitty. Though I have a lot of ideas, I don't think I'm a good enough philosopher to talk about it, and also getting to work on a video is much harder than I thought it would be.

[Cam Adair]

You might not be good at the start but you'll certainly improve over time. :) 

[Zala]

I hope you are ok. Are you in a better place now? What is going through your head? I think a lot of people go back to gaming or just relapse and then they don't post anymore. Or there is just too much going on in their lives. I hope one of the two is true for you.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

END OF SUMMER UPDATE

I have over 90 days of good diet and 41 days of everyday exercising under my belt. On the first of October I'm starting classes again and just now I've decided to stop gaming. I thought about doing it earlier but I didn't think I could succeed. I'm going to do it now so that I can have a week when I start classes. It'll be hard to fill my days with something interesting, but I think I can manage it.

I've been extremely stressed out by every single thing, obligation or plan, and so for the summer I didn't have any plans and as little obligations as I could. In general, most of my life efforts focus on escaping life. This seems to be the root of all my compulsive behavior. I think I'm ready to start changing it. I started my diet the day of my last exam and I've been at it every since, never breaking a rule. It was a very slight change so it wasn't hard. Then I thought I could add another small change, because it'd been 50 days from the previous one. I figure if I add these changes with less frequency, I won't be overwhelmed by them and I'll be able to stick with them. And so I've decided to exercise on my stationary bike for 30 minutes every day, and I haven't skipped a day. Now I've gotten rid of all my games. This is going to be helpful because I already have some college-related stuff to do and no games will mean one less place to escape to.

I've lost at least 8kg (could be more since I don't remember my starting weight, but it was at least 110kg) since the beginning of the summer, but it only kicked off since I've cut out sugar from several products I've been eating. Sporadically eating pizza didn't seem to be any problem weight-wise. I'm often craving for something sweet so I have a constant supplies of oranges.

I didn't even start working on the youtube channel I had been planning, except for writing maybe 10% of two scripts. This is mostly because of what I wrote about plans above, and also just fear of the unknown, and I don't like to be on camera. Plus, since then I've kinda lost interest in the topic of the planned channel. I figure I should instead focus on stuff related to college and work, because I'd really like to have some security first and foremost.

This summer I've probably been the most depressed since 2011. Thinking about death practically every day. I'm not saying I suddenly have some new resolve or anything. But for now I'm just going to give it another go. I'd really like to have some friends I could count on and spend time with, like people in a tv show I'm watching. I've never had any of that. I guess I'll just get to work on my professional life for now (as in start building it from less than zero), which is the only thing in my life about which I kinda have an idea how I can fix it.

Okay, I've deleted my latest game and my mod storage. Setting it up again would take a whole day. This should be enough for now. Tomorrow I'll have some stuff to do, otherwise I'll probably read a book or something.

Edited September 25, 2018 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'm spending most of my time watching a tv show. Otherwise, college-related stuff is getting very stressful, I've already had a breakdown a few days ago. 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

 There is a void and everything I do is to escape from it. I have no idea how I could fill it instead. It's destroying me and I don't know how much longer I can hold out like this. 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Thanks for your reply. I'm at a very bad place at the moment, lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my life and crying a little.

The void I'm taking about is not about meaning, it's mostly about feelings. I know that every single facet of the entirety of existence is as meaningless as possible. I don't have even a slight inclination towards doing anything "meaningful" with my life. I want to make my life feel better, that's it.

I don't know what that emotional void is. It's like something very important is missing from my life, or maybe from me. Like I'm lacking something.  But i don't know what it is, and the only thing I can do about it is try to escape from it, forget about it. Which is why I do pretty much anything, like sleep as long as I can, or lie in front of the computer late into the night so that I can postpone the moment when I have to lie in bed doing nothing for about an hour before I fall asleep. I'm just uncomfortable with being with myself. Maybe that's the core problem. 

 

I keep comparing myself to characters from How I Met Your Mother. I've never had anything even resembling the friendship that they have. Right now I would like to have someone I could share my pain with. I would like to have someone to listen while I talk about the problems even I'm having trouble naming, give me their time and accept me as I am, and then hug me while I cry. And then if they ever needed the same, I would be there for them. I haven't had anyone like that in a very long time, if ever. This hurts even more. 

[Zala]

Just hold on. It's a process, you are just going through something ... Sorry for not having anything smarter to say. Stay safe. Thinking of you.

 

[Robin]

Man I feel the same way!

Try and listen to people like: David Goggins, Grant Cardone, Elon Musk.

Those people inspire me to be better and wake up every morning.

We are not alone in this life. 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I feel the best when I have a lot to do and I have a challenge mindset about them. Which is right now.

I've decided that my chief challenge for the next let's say 3 months is going to be to be disciplined about studying. If I can do all my studying regularly, and actually study with the purpose of learning things and not just to pass classes, I'm going to feel a lot better about my college and about my future. Which means I'm going to be a lot less stressed out and my quality of life is going to go through the roof.

I'm also going to keep notes on everything to-do, so that I can be absolutely sure that I'm not forgetting anything.  I'll also keep deadlines to plan my activities ahead. It was exactly the same thing with food back in June - when I had my meals planned a few days in advance, and a full fridge at all times, it was much easier to keep discipline about what I ate, and my diet has been a great success so far. So, with these notes everything's going to be much better organised, I'll be calmer about not-forgetting stuff, and as a result I'll have much less stress. Which means my quality of life is going to improve greatly.

In other words: for now I'll just get to work.

Edited October 8, 2018 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I have strong mood swings on a daily basis. Like today I felt okay, then rather bad, then quite good, then great for a short while, then bad as soon as I got home.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.