J(e)RK

Members
  • Content count

    56
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

J(e)RK last won the day on January 1

J(e)RK had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

41 Excellent

About J(e)RK

  • Rank
    Member
  1. I disagree. Staring into space isn't something that sucks up all your time, as you can easily work past it. It may not be a ton better right now, but trust me, it is.
  2. Day 1 Today was good. Not exceptional, but good. I managed to stay off of video games, primarily by drawing. I enjoy it, although I'm pretty much no good at it. I've also messed around with some chess puzzles. Pretty fun, overall. School was fine, I practiced a little piano, and I have began to recover from these thoughts of constantly wondering about what Binding of Isaac synergies to mess with or hope for or whatever. I recognize that I had fallen into a little something that I'm going to, for my purposes, call the Skylander Trap, because the first major time I fell into it was with the Skylanders games. I would just keep buying and buying, and the older stuff, which was cool and exciting before, became pointless. Call it progression, and for certain in some areas it does apply, but not when it comes to a video game with unchanging difficulty. In the end, it became almost a grind to mess with new stuff, just like in Skylanders. There was no emotion. No feeling. I would buy a new Skylander, go and grind out the arena until it was max level, and mess with it for maybe a week before buying another. After I had bought almost every single Skylander at the time of the Giants (I think it was the second game), I realized that it was a stupid game and that I honestly didn't even enjoy it. It was a grind, plain and simple. There was no joy, in the end. I spent somewhere around 400$ on that game, money hard-earned. It was easier to do things without the emotion, like watching a video or playing some grindy game. I see myself fall into this all the time. First it was Skylanders, if even. The Binding of Isaac, on and off. Buying things for Team Fortress 2. Warframe. So many different games, but the same principle: no brainpower. no feeling. no emotion. just monotonous, pointless playing. This is why artistic pursuits are better for me. You can't do that with writing. If you do, then rather than be rewarded or getting any feeling of achievement, you get nothing. A piece of wasted paper, or wasted space on the vast internet. You also can't do that with drawing. You can't just wake up one day, draw the same thing over and over, or just go and buy a new drawing. It's non-exclusive, and in some ways, it has the Skylander Trap built into its very being. It's renewable, but this time without the fee; just with the brainpower. Signing out, J(e)RK
  3. Day .5 Well, it's been a week. I hate myself. The school talent show is coming up, and I need to practice for it. Have I? No. For that matter, I haven't done anything constructive today aside from going to school. I got home and ate a full stick of butter with a bowl of popcorn, and now my dad is upset at me. I mean, why wouldn't he be? All I can do nowadays is screw up. How am I supposed to do anything right if all I am apparently physically able to do is wrong? I've set goals. I know who I am. Video gaming is not something I want to do. But still, I cannot pull myself away from it. How am I supposed to do anything with myself if all I get to do is waste away in front of a screen? This I do not know. What I do know is that the computer screen is a load of garbage. It doesn't work for me. Whenever I think about it outside of my room, this much is apparent. So is it my room that is the issue? Or is it that my sanctuary is truly in the computer, and not in the room? The place where my worries can melt away, where I can be alone and not bothered by trivial issues. I see that there is no place in the natural world where this can truly be achieved. But that does not give me a right to run away. I want to be free. As free as I can be. That may not happen for a while, but it will never happen while I still play games. Maybe I just need to remove myself from the social aspect. Whenever I talk to my mom, she ends up saying that video games are "Not that bad," but I know otherwise. I have no support outside of this forum, that much is clear. Oh what the hell am I saying, anyway. It's all gibberish, in the end. One truth that I can never again escape, though, at least not for long: I. Hate. Video games. Signing out, J(e)RK
  4. Well, not even day 3 yet and already relapsing. I went ahead and blocked steam support on my gmail account, but the day was still lost. Man, I just wish I could do it like the first time. One whole month, almost two, and not a single minute of video gaming. But here I am, once again, stuck in my path. At least I know it. that's more than some have, I suppose.
  5. Day 1 Well, today was pretty good. I'm finally beginning to catch up in my book for English class. I still need to finish some math homework, but overall today was nice. I am feeling a bit tired, but I think I just need to get over this crisis that I've been having recently. Not much to talk about today, school dominated the day.
  6. This is how I'm gonna go through life forever, isn't it? constantly bouncing back between addiction and happiness, between strength and weakness. What a life. That's some food for thought, isn't it? Today I wasted a perfectly good day. I did the same for the last 3 days. I have plenty of things to do, but I just don't do them. I don't even enjoy the video games. I always think I do, but I just don't. It gets old. It gets frustrating. It gets pointless. But no matter what, I'm almost always happy when I go back. Of course, it's just nostalgia for when I had nothing better to do. But I have school. I have a card game. I have a piano. I have a ton of stuff to sew. But for some reason, this garbage heap of a "technological advancement" is what I'm stuck on. I don't even know what mindset to have, because I'm not even 100% confident that I can quit anymore. I'm not sure I ever could. So pardon me if I'm a little skeptical, because over the last weekend, I've decided to quit like 3 times and it just hasn't stuck. How did I do that the first time? How am I going to do that now? Both excellent questions. Until then, I guess I'll do the 3rd rundown of my interests. I've played piano for 9-10 Years. Crazy, huh? I'm a sophomore in high school. I acknowledge two major types of a good life, which are the tough and the simple. I personally prefer the simple. I'm a tad bit retro. Kinda looking at getting a record player. I have also acknowledged that I have almost two entirely different personas, in the school me, and the home me. The school me is, if not tired, motivated and hard-working. The home me is typically on video games, and that's where he ends. I'm attempting to pull the two together, preferably with the school me being more prevalent. I would prefer my pastime activities to include non-electronic items. I dislike technology, in general. The only exception for me is music, and that's the exception to most of my rules. The other thing I would consider would be photography, but I'm not super sure about that. I fall sleep early and get up early. Overall, today has been pretty bad, but the sad part is that it has been a good day by comparison. I'm gonna go to bed, g'night, and good luck in your journeys. Hope I didn't ruin your night, but I doubt I hold that much weight. Signing out, J(e)RK
  7. Welcome! It may seem hard now, but it gets better quickly. You'll realize just how much better your life is without them, and you'll use that to propel yourself into whatever it is that you're hoping to do.
  8. Day 18 Well, I think two days ago me was a little bit annoyed. I'm in a better mental place now. I'm not even upset about what I wrote. Although, I think it is important to discuss what was wrong. I was frustrated since lots of responsibilities were popping up on me, and, getting more than a little overwhelmed, ended up getting upset and I ran away from what I cared about and what I was supposed to do. It's a lot like what happened when I used to play video games. The only difference was that now it was anime and I could feel the problem. Once I had to stop watching, due to the pressing matter of a school project or the like, or just going to bed, I was immediately presented with a choice: Watch YouTube, or face my problems and insecurities. As is so common, I watched YouTube, putting me in a worse place overall. So what has changed with my since then? Well, for one, I got back into listening to the audiobook I have of Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and it occurred to me that I have been hiding from my problems again. I have still been wrestling with anime, but I think I'm overall doing better. I'm planning on changing a few things in my daily and weekly structure, and hopefully that should help me get up and stay up. Oh, and one last thing before the goals. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that my life has 3 good pillars for escaping: Art, Writing, and Music. No more, no less. I would consider art anything from drawing to personal fashion to presenting food in an interesting manner. Writing is going to be typically writing fiction novels, although I would count writing journal entries on here and my short little page-long writings on the world. I would also likely lump making Magic: the Gathering decks into that category. Lastly, music is really just about anything. It could be listening to singing to playing piano and anything else related to an instrument. This would be my preferred style of escaping, but we don't always get what we want. Esteem: I've decided to restructure the workouts to be on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, with a weight lifting day on Sunday, which should hopefully be relatively easy. I've been sticking more or less to my 3 meals, and while it has been hard, it's been very doable. I haven't done my weight lifting yet today, but I'm thinking before dinner is a good time. Music: I've been keeping more or less to my 30+ minutes per day. It's hard to get in some every day, especially recently with all the anime. That's okay. I'm gonna overcome this difficulty eventually, and until then, it just makes me a better player to get on it every day. As for other instruments, I've been struggling to figure out a good schedule. I'm thinking maybe some weekend time and in between homework. Getting in a few strums on the ukulele or guitar has never been too hard, anyway. I may be a bit too busy to make it a regular thing, except for in the mornings. Education: I've also been doing okay here. I have a test tomorrow on the judicial branch, and I've worked up enough to be confident. I need to get a few AP Euro note cards done, but otherwise all the homework I have left this weekend is easy money. I also still have a project to work on, although that should only take a little time. Relaxation: Much better now. I think the turning point for me was a drawing I made. Otherwise I think that the recent readings I've been doing have been beneficial. Once I actually talk to this girl about how I feel I should be significantly better. Blah blah postlude I said everything before the goals. Happy now? Signing out, J(e)RK
  9. Day 16 Today this feels just like I'm getting nagged forever. Well, it's the end of the school week, and I didn't do anything about my attraction. Maybe I can escape from it for a while, but tomorrow i have a 4 hour long shift of lifeguarding, and I am definitely not going to be able to escape throughout that. I foresee lots of drainining coming on. Overall, I'm not doing so hot. I can hardly interact with other people, and I feel like I need to escape to no end. I can't stop just doing a ton of purely recreational stuff, since that's all I can focus on. I think I've made a huge mistake. Esteem: I'm doing okay. I need to get back on my workout schedule, but I'm gonna try and do some sort of weight lifting tomorrow and then I should be able to get back into it. I honestly don't think I'm going to need this site for much longer, because aside from the current situation with my kinda being unendingly infatuated and entirely unable to express it, I am almost entirely devoid of the wish to do anything related to video games. Music: As seems to be the norm nowadays, I'm gonna do it after my journal. Not much else to say. Overall, music has been a pretty okay refuge against my own idiocy. Education: I'm actually doing pretty good in school right now. I've been studying a lot recently, and I think some of that is just me trying to escape through my "job". Either way, it has been going pretty good in the school department. Relaxation: Again, nothing really good here. I should be much better off, but I just can't seem to get over this feeling of dread I have, but as soon as I see my crush, I immediately start thinking about other stuff. It's entirely possible that that isn't the issue, and that I actually need some other sort of outlet, and that's why I can't tell her, but I honestly think that at the very least it would get one more thing off my mind. It can't hurt, right? Anyway, as I stated in the esteem area, I'm probably just gonna drop in from time to time when I'm having above average troubles. I think that I'm doing pretty good on the book front. My card game is really coming together. I have the resources to pursue my fashion interests. I'm actively studying neuroscience and pursuing those interests. I'm working out more or less regularly and sticking to a 3 meal per day structure. I'm getting to play piano daily and studying my school subjects with ease. I suppose that once you start moving up Maslow's hierarchy, you're bound to run into some snags along the way that you just couldn't see from below. I suppose that makes sense, since it would be possible for someone without enough food to survive steals enough food to move up, but now they don't feel save because of an ensuing investigation that is increasingly zeroing in on him. I guess that's a really shitty example, but now that I'm above that stupid safety and am moving through the love and belonging area, I've hit a major red zone which has stopped me from propelling myself into esteem. Makes sense to me, anyway. One thing is for sure, though, and that's that I don't feel belonging where I am right now. I may be hitting a stride, but it isn't mine and I don't have any desire to keep going indefinitely. Signing out, J(e)RK
  10. Alright, well I may be no slouch, but 3 days is a bit much to make up for. I'm just gonna journal for today instead. Day 14 I really needed to be journaling these last few days. I've begun to slip up quite a bit and need to refocus. As far as the last few days are concerned, I watched a lot of anime and went back to locking my mornings into homework. I don't mind studying in the mornings, because I find it a very productive time, but I have plenty of time most nights to get stuff done for school. I think I've lost a lot of motivation after not journaling for the last few days, which is ironic considering how much I was thinking about how I really wanted to get other people to help me motivate myself. Anyway, the last few days have gone, well, not great. I found myself skipping journals because I've been petrified to talk about how much I've been thinking about this girl I go to school with, and I just feel like I'm out of my element. I've never thought of, well, anyone in this way before. Of course, I know that that's just young love or whatever the geezers call it these days, but either way I think it's been sapping me a little bit to think about it so much. I've been attempting to steel myself in order to ask the girl whether she feels the same way, but I just keep avoiding it. Either way, I need to do something because of all the things I am really good at, interacting with people and picking up on social cues are two things that I need to work on. So who knows, maybe I'll make myself do it tomorrow. Regardless, I have definitely been attempting to avoid the scenario, since I find myself watching One Piece and YouTube and working on random MTG decks a ton even when I know that I have other things to do. Just for a tad of context, I talk to this girl on a daily basis and have 2nd and 3rd periods with her. So now that I got that out, I think I'm just gonna hit up the goals. Esteem: Okay, well today wasn't great. Again, I stuck to 3 meals, but I was supposed to work out today and I just kinda skipped it. I ate far too much for dinner, and I don't think I'll be able to push through it today, so tomorrow morning it is. I hate sticking myself into corners like this. Otherwise, I think I've been doing a least a bit better on some fronts. Music: I haven't gotten to it today. I need to practice for at least a little while, and I should do so soon after this journal. Not much else to say here. Education: Well, I've been doing rather poorly recently. My escapism has affected me a ton. I remember thinking today in school that I should just focus on that, and that repeatedly I just keep thinking about how I need to do better. I'm getting there, anyway. I managed to make myself some much needed note cards and I should be getting to that again for some more Spanish words soon. I always hear my teachers talk about how easy things could be, and while they may be a bit unrealistic for the average person, that is one thing that I am not. Relaxation: In case you couldn't tell, not great. I'm a bit on edge, but I'm thinking that this feeling may be the result of my skipping meditations for the last few days. I need to start hitting it again pretty hard tomorrow, and I'm gonna meditate a bit tonight, as well. I already finished the free stuff on Headspace, so I'm just kinda sitting around for a little while and calming myself down now when I need it for a few minutes. I actually did a tad bit yesterday after I got a 7/20 on a Civics pop quiz, and it helped calm me down a ton. I think the other reason I'm on edge is, obviously, my inability to actually talk to this girl. I constantly find myself thinking about how I need to wait until I can drive myself places, but I don't think that that's the answer here, since I'm not gonna make it that far and keep my schedule intact. Well, that is, unless I find some other coping mechanism. So, overall, just feeling a ton more pumped for everything now that I'm back here. I'm gonna hit the ground running again after my last few days sleepwalking. Thanks for this opportunity, everyone. Signing out, J(e)RK
  11. Day 11 Sometimes it feels like the days take forever, other times they just melt away. It feels like just yesterday that I was commenting on how it was day 5. Since then I have made even greater progress, and found myself new motivation. A new drive, even. Motivation may die down from time to time, but drive is always there. Anyway, the important thing is that I keep on going. Even earlier today I almost found myself at a loss for what to do, even before I had meditated and worked out. Overarching problem today was watching a ton of One Piece. I don't even think I enjoyed it a huge amount, anyway. I'm going to try to do better going forward. Goal time: Esteem: Good day for esteem. I didn't eat too much, I did my daily workout, which I re-arranged a bit, too. Doing push-ups straight into pull-ups is just really hard and doesn't amount to much more gain overall. Anyway, I'm feeling good, and I think I'm also beginning to realize the importance of how I dress. When I was dressed in my sweatpants and a crappy tee I don't feel like doing anything, but when I dress as fastidiously as I typically do, I feel like grinding through the work. I should experiment with this more. Music: I didn't do too much, but I did work on a few harder songs. I could have done plenty more, but I couldn't focus. I have a lot on my mind today, so I figured I would let it rest and try not to be too mad at myself. Education: I looked at my homework, anyway. Not a whole lot to do. I'm just gonna shove through it tomorrow as part of studying. Admittedly, I should have done it today, but I got really caught up in YouTube and Hulu again, and I need to break away again. Relaxation: Pretty okay day overall so far as feeling good is concerned. I feel good so long as I'm doing something, anyway. I had some amount of enjoyment from watching TV, I guess, but I just felt guilty. I wish I had gotten myself to stop sooner. I'm not gonna regret it, anyway. Oh, and because I liked this little idea I had for a motivational quote: "Be prideful of your past, Happy with your present, And jealous of your future." Signing out, J(e)RK
  12. A little early for today, a little late for tomorrow. I'm going to make today's later, but I was too tired by the time I got home to write a journal yesterday. Day 10 I. Feel. Awesome. I may not have done any piano practice, but I did finish that scarf, and damn is it sweet. It took me the better part of the morning and the previous night, but it was totally worth it. There's so much I could say about the dance, but at the least, I got to dance with a girl. That's the main highlight, anyway. Oh, and I helped out one of my friends with the same. I'm just gonna knock out the goals: Esteem: I didn't have a workout "today". At the ball I probably ate way too much, but that's fine as long as it's only the one day for a little while. Music: No piano practice "today". I should have, but I spent much more time on other things, like that scarf, work, and going to the school dance. Education: Also nothing, but if I can't call the day a success just because I wasn't working straight for my goals, then I guess I don't really want the goals that badly. Relaxation: I feel like I'm in a much better place. I finished that scarf, went to the dance, and overall just got a lot of my worries out of the way. I feel much better, and I think I needed a day to just kick back and do whatever, since I can't just spend every day however I want to. Anyway, I think that'll about do. I still have plenty of stuff to do for today, so I'm gonna go do that. Oh, and 2nd page club! Signing out, J(e)RK
  13. Day 9 Just . . . fuck everything. I've been trying for the last 2 hours to work on a new scarf for this weekend, with some fancy sequins on it so that way it will really pop. I only succeeded in getting some of the sequins on for the last half hour when I decided that I would just go to sleep and get to work on it right after meditation tomorrow. So basically, I'm already in the hole for the weekend. I guess today was okay, but overall, I just feel like garbage. I don't know if it's because of how hard I've been working, but both yesterday and today feel like I've basically broken down. I've been considering getting my ears pierced, and I was thinking that maybe that would help me out a bit so far as confidence is concerned. I've found that major physical changes make it easier to stick with major mental changes. As much as I really don't want to play video games, at this juncture, it almost feels like I have nothing else to do. Of course, that's a lie, but whatever. Another consideration I've had was trying to focus in a lot more on my scarves, but that seems less and less feasible as time goes on. It's super time-consuming and after all of it I just feel like the product would have been better made in a factory than in my own home. I mean, maybe they are unique, but it's pretty much just in their poor quality. Whatever. I'm just digging a hole right now and really want to escape it. I've been really irritable and pissed the last few days, and I just don't know exactly who I'm supposed to be after all of this. I don't know how many people here have played Rummikub, but if you have, it feels to me like this phase in my life is like going for the hail mary in that game; I've re-arranged everything that was already there, but it's occurring to me that perhaps I should have thought this out better before trying to do it. Esteem: You tell me. I really want to eat snacks, I feel like never doing another workout, or putting another iota of effort into my body and how it looks. Music: What do today and the first day I was alive have in common? I achieved the same amount of musical furthering. Where they differ? The amount of work I've already put into music. Education: What happens when you take a 33 and a 67? You get a really shitty periodic table joke. Relaxation: Do I seem like I'm goddamned relaxed? I still have to finish reading two books, a scarf, go to a dance tomorrow, work a shift where I'm probably going to get mind-fucked by my boss because now they're basically dropping dummy corpses into the pool to make sure I stay alert, finish writing a novel, practice a song on four different instruments 2 of which I don't play regularly and 1 of which is sick right now, and of course I also have to make my card game playable. Any questions? You in the back? Yes, of course this is the worst life imaginable. Am I going to stop? Hell to the no. Why not? That would be the same reason why I'm playing out a monologue as a dialogue on a stupid journal post that nobody is going to read: I have nothing better to do with my life. Signing out, crippling depression dude
  14. Day 8 Oh man, today was a horrible day. At first I felt pretty good, and was able to complete my morning tasks. Afterwards, after driving to school, I still felt pretty good. While I was at school, I suddenly had one of those moments where you just zone in and you notice something that totally needs to be done and you just do it. I mean, all I did was sweep my 1st period teacher's room, but it still felt good. The place was kinda a mess and really needed it. I found a ruler and like 5 colored pencils on the floor. Aside from that, 1st period was really a smorgasbord of me not being heard. At first two people were arguing about whether negativity or positivity were correct, and regardless of any points I tried to make, the only thing that I ever really got in was about either letting life kick your ass or you kicking life's ass. Otherwise, I was ignored. This is typically common fare for me. People ignore me until I either do something unexpected (typically bad, but occasionally good) or force them to listen to me. I think this is why I made that persona for myself of being "A Sound", because it helps me get past that part of my life where I get ignored. Anyways, after that little argument right before school started, 1st period was a total mess for me, save for the map quiz I got a 100 on. After that, I had made plans for my group to get started on our project due in a month, and we were going to go to a room because we had "collab time", which is basically free time for procrastinating on your assignments. But the room I planned on going to, which for once we actually went to, was being used for a teacher meeting. I guess I felt a little bit shameful but I managed to move past it. We went to a different teacher's room and did a bit, but after that I just studied for other stuff. Then I had lunch, which was actually really great. I decided to go to the school dance this Saturday, so hopefully that will go well. After lunch, I had 2nd period, with a teacher I don't particularly care for (oh, and for anyone questioning what type of schedule this was, we only have our first 3 periods for 80 minutes each on Thursday and Friday) and that went about as well as it could have. I pretty much zoned out of the actual class and just doodled on a piece of paper with a friend instead. After that I had my arguably best period in 3rd where I aced another vocab quiz. With my free time I read some more of the book on neuroscience I checked out from the library near school, and after that we got to act out a few scenes in a play. I feel like it could have been better done, but group projects in school could always be better. After school, I had track which went pretty well, until after practice when I had another run-in with shame and pretty much since then my day has been shitty. I did go to get some sequins for the scarf I'm making for this Saturday and I also got a 20 pound kettle bell in order to work out better. After that, I got home, ate dinner, and went to go work on my scarf and, after spending like 30 minutes just putting bobby pins in it, I couldn't get my family's sewing machine to work. Once I got some help from my mom, I managed to sew one side up, but after that it got finicky and I didn't have time to mess with it. After that I just spent like 20 minutes talking with my family and then played a few piano pieces so as to say I did. Esteem: At an all time low right now. I feel like I'm in the ditch. I did my dieting, and today was another off-day as far as workouts are concerned. Music: I got hardly any time in today. nothing else to say. there's no redemption to be had. Education: I went over this in depth already. Just go look at the huge ass paragraph prior to this. Relaxation: I feel like garbage. I have a test next Monday and a test tomorrow and a bunch of other shit coming up, and I feel like I'm just about to die. I wonder what I could have done better? I mean, I didn't game, but at this point in time, that's hardly an issue in my life. I feel like I'm wasting all of your time on the Game Quitters forum talking about how I have a sucky life because I made it awful. Maybe that person at school was right about life always sucking and that I need to get my head out of my ass. Signing out, J(e)RK
  15. As boring and mediocre as some things may seem, you feel excited by them. This is what video games deprived you of for so long, and this is why it's worth it to quit them forever. I remember back when I used to think of myself as somewhat impervious, even while playing video games, and now I see exactly what was wrong in that just like lots of people get deprived of sleep, those of us who have been addicted to video games have been deprived of life. Of the simply pleasures. I think it's important to write in a journal like this because not only does it force you to reflect, but it also helps you appreciate what you have done. Good for you standing up to that dentist, because you can't let people treat you like that. On the other side of that coin, I imagine that there is somebody who either had an appointment and got in early, or someone who didn't have an appointment and managed to squeeze in because of that dentists stupid practice. I would think that they would at least wait like 10 minutes, since after all, dentist appointments aren't cheap. Either way, the point is that for each person wronged, another person gets their way due to it. Oh, and because it seems to be pertinent on this page, I am not fluent in anything besides English, although I like to think I may be a tad above average in my English abilities. I am also studying Spanish, but that is mainly because I need to for school.