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J(e)RK

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J(e)RK last won the day on January 1

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About J(e)RK

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  1. Day 2 Today I decided to attempt to answer a very hard question about who I want to be going forward. It seems to me as if meditation is attempting to keep me focused in, and while that certainly is a great thing, I'm not sure that that is where I want to be. To make slightly more clear what I am trying to do, the video prior to today's meditation on headspace was talking about how thoughts are kinda like cars and you shouldn't bother to run after them because otherwise you'll just be tired. It felt very right at the moment, but as I have thought about it more, I realize that I perhaps want to allow myself to "run after the cars". I like being creative, and somewhat without boundaries. Perhaps I am mistaken about what the meditation is going to do for me, but it almost seems to me as if it is going to take away the whimsical part of me that I have gotten so attached to. Or maybe I should just give it up anyway. The point is, I guess, I'm not so sure that it's for me. Who knows, maybe it would take away this awful existentialism and paranoia I have at all times. Wouldn't that be great. I would absolutely appreciate any advice anybody could give me in this regard. As far as my goals, Esteem: Today I spent a tad bit of time looking at dieting advice (it didn't really help all that much), but primarily I did another workout. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run a 5k, so hopefully that will go well. Music: I continued to practice my song on piano and practiced a few other songs on piano. Perhaps eventually I can bring myself to go work on the drums, which I should really go do sometime. I've never before been particularly good at forcing myself to practice drums. Education: I did very little today in the way of education. I mean, today was also a snow day, so I kinda didn't feel like doing very much, but I think I might be going a bit overboard on the relaxation. I think that maybe once I get started in that way it'll become a ton easier. Relaxation: I think I may need to lay off this a bit. I feel kinda relaxed, but I think my random hobbies are getting a bit too far into the way of other things and making me worry more. I managed to study pretty consistently for a few days and I felt a ton better than I do now, and I spent most of today watching YouTube. Ah well, baby steps. Signing off, J(e)RK
  2. Hey Koolman, welcome to the community. Allow me to attempt to help you turn this relapse into your day-to-day quitting process. A few things to remember are that the feeling of "I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up yet" is absolutely the reason why you should quit. That game doesn't matter to anybody except for the developers, and that's because they make money off of it. Remember to move past your sunk cost fallacy of "I already did so much for it" and realize that you don't want to put any more in. That's one of the biggest things about quitting. Also remember the why you want to quit, and make sure not to get ahead of yourself. I speak partially from experience, as I was done for a month and ended up relapsing on and off for about 2 weeks. I know now the reasons why I failed. 2 Last things I want to mention before I go: You probably will be a little bit bored. That's okay. Whenever you do feel bored, think about whether you really want to play video games or not, and from there you can work on your issues. If nothing else I have suggested here helps, just try to think about why you went back and what went wrong. For me, it took seeing a motivational poster in the break room at the facility I lifeguard in. It reminded me that getting burned out is a result of forgetting that all-important reason why I quit. Good luck, and I'm sure you'll do great. Salutations, J(e)RK
  3. Day 0.5 I am afraid I have relapsed. Again. To what should be nobody's surprise. I spent a bit of time today playing video games, but it all felt, quite frankly, blah. I didn't feel happy, that much is certain. I am attempting to restart today and I really just want to be finished with video games once and for all. I am unsure of entirely how at the moment, however. I find it rather mind-boggling that I could quit for a month, even over Christmas break, and all in a few stupid minutes of playing Happy Wheels it's all gone. Now I'm not sure of how I even made it that far. Perhaps the issue is that I feel like now I have to make it that long to be making any progress, and back then I was just going day to day, not "oh this isn't sustainable for a month", and that's what I should be like now. Seems like a solid plan. In the daily achievements section: Esteem: Today was an off-day in my workout. I won't lie, I was planning on looking up some stuff on basic nutrition and diets, but I kinda didn't do it. Oops. I did manage to stick to only breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I did kinda eat two breakfasts. I also tried to think positively. Music: I have decided on the song I wish to pursue. I doubt too many people are familiar with it, but it's called Float On, by Modest Mouse. I remember actually disliking the song when I first heard it, and the version I have written down is a full step lower than the recording. I worked on the song briefly on piano and went through it once doing the singing parts, but I still didn't touch the guitar or drum parts. Education: I got some homework done today and finished up a few note cards. Today was another "snow day", so we didn't have school again, and it has already been canceled for tomorrow. I really want to try and get a bit of work done on a presentation due in February and really knock this one out of the park. Relaxation: Today I splurged into video games, and I feel rather ashamed. I feel more tense than yesterday, and I know that I really fell down on this one today. I think I am going to add meditation as one of my relaxation goals, however, and I completed another 3 minute meditation today. I imagine it's going to ramp up rather quickly soon. Signing out, J(e)RK
  4. Day Something and a half @WorkInProgress: Thanks a ton for the recommendation! I gave it a shot really quickly today and I think I should be able to spend a bit of time from my morning each day just meditating. It was actually rather enjoyable, although it did seem much longer than 3 minutes! @Cam Adair: I will be sure to check out that out, I have a free book on Audible and it seems rather enjoyable to listen to for a while. In personal news: I have just created a personal workout which features workouts on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I also have track, so it isn't like I won't be doing anything on the off-days, but it is what it is. So far as my 4 areas are concerned: Esteem: As I mentioned, I created a workout. I am also beginning to come to terms with things as they are, and not as they hypothetically could be. Simple Programmer (the YouTuber/website) has helped a ton in this process. I have also managed to keep myself to just 3 meals a day for the most part. Also, just to brag on myself, I did a grand total of 100 push-ups, 100 squats with weights, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of plank, 10 pull-ups, and 100 single-leg kettlebell deadlifts (total, not per leg). Music: I am currently working on figuring out which song I want to play first. I guess I have to start somewhere, right? Education: I still have plenty of homework to do, but all my recent tests and quizzes have been coming up A's. Unfortunately, today it snowed, and where I live, if there are as many as 3 snowflakes, school gets canceled, so I guess that's some spare time to study and get ahead on homework. Relaxation: I have been watching an ample amount of YouTube, if that can even be considered a goal. In all seriousness, I feel as though I have been much more relaxed when I stay away from video games, as they just frustrate me more often than not. Most recently, I have been frustrated with online Magic: the Gathering, so I am going to quit them and just watch YouTube videos on it instead, maybe make a few rogue brews and submit them to YouTubers.
  5. Day 5 @zeke365 I think that's good advice, I just don't want to settle for a version of myself which I may develop an aversion to. I mean, I used to think about myself that way, and look at where that got me? I don't mean to offend anybody, but it scored me a spot right here in a forum of reforming addicts, of which I am one. So sorry if it seems to me like sometimes things just aren't as good as they could be. Really, I still haven't made it to where I feel like I should be. Writing positive stuff is, no doubt, important, but it also has to be well timed. You wouldn't housebreak a dog by praising them whenever they soiled the carpet, but rather punish them. Unfortunately, my conscious is the pet owner and my unconscious is the dog to be housebroken. On a different note, I actually had an uncharacteristically large amount of fun at last night's party. At first I was kinda awkward, but by the end I felt I was having a good time and I feel that it was an important experience for me to have. As much as I hate to say it, right now might be a better time in my life to connect with other people as opposed to becoming very good at things. I mean, any two skilled socialites can get along, but two anti-socials go together like two negative charges; It doesn't work. I think I'm just scared of who I become in social events, because I appreciate being in control of myself, but social settings typically take that away from me. But now I have to decide if I want to find out who I get along with and how I connect to others (besides music, because being able to play a piece for someone and then being unable to talk to them seems like a problem) in a social setting, and I think that will, in turn, help me figure out who I am in regards to others. I mean, I'll always be a mess to myself, but apparently I have some talents, because even last night, I ended up having at least a few moments of glory when I moon-walked (the Michael Jackson dance move) across the very small dance floor. Anyway, I did little else yesterday except for play piano. As for today, I seem to have gotten stuck in an inactivity loop. I almost got out of it, but I think I'm gonna need to get it out of my system today and hope to get some stuff done tomorrow. All I've finished today is my application for the boarding school, and I drew a picture with very little detail. Man, I want to start like half of these sentences with the same word. Signing out, J(e)RK
  6. Day 4 Time sure flies Man, it seemed like it would be much more daunting to quit again. I guess I really just forgot the reason why I quit in the first place. Truth be told, I felt kinda guilty when I first went back on happy wheels. Anyway, I'm journaling early today because I'm going to work at 11, until 3:30, then returning home temporarily until about 6 when I have to go to a party until 10 tonight. Not sure how things will go, but I'm excited. Signing out, J(e)RK
  7. Day 3 The day when I realize that I'm not nearly creative enough to name each day Today I ended up wasting a lot of time playing MTG online. I feel really bad about it, and I think I need to quit the online game. I would prefer to spend a bit more time working on my card game. I don't even enjoy MTG all that much anymore, except for the limited events. I just really wish there was something serious I could do with a team of some sort. Unfortunately, nobody else my age is all that interested in really anything. Except for sports. And I'm really not the hugest fan of sports, save for dancing. Anyway, I spent a bit of time working on my card game and managed to balance it a little bit better. It still needs work, but it felt much better and closer to being fair, which is obviously the point. I suppose I shouldn't think like this so much, but if I could have 1 wish granted right now, it would be a team to help me work on my card game. They would not only help me research and develop, but also keep me honest. Anyway, I also got a chair for my new veg corner and am feeling good about the book. Unfortunately I haven't spent a whole lot of time on music today, but I played a rudimentary beat on the ukulele while watching some YouTube from my new chair. Signing out, J(e)RK
  8. Hello once again, sorry for not replying here. I certainly hope things haven't seemed too lonely without me! Outside of that, it looks like you've been doing great! Keep it up!
  9. Day 2 The Drainining Man track is draining away my time. I was doing great today, I even managed to check out a book on neuroscience and read it for a little while. Of course, that was before I had to go to track, and words can just not describe how tired I am now. I just want to watch YouTube until I go to sleep, but I haven't done any work with music, and I really want that change to stick most of all. I really want to quit track, because I'm not good at it and I'm not going to be since I'm a pretty short kid and I don't really care if that changes any time soon. I would rather go back to dance, which felt like another way I could express myself, too. At the very least, the little cold spell my area was having is over and it feels rather warmer outside again. I kinda want to turn my little corner with my desktop into a little lounging corner with a ton of bean bags. but I don't have anything I could use for that except for a ton of sheets and pillows. I guess I could use those for a time, but I'm also not sure if I want to put my desktop away or just put it along a different wall, or maybe even make my desk like a peninsula, just sticking out of the wall. I'm thinking I might do try to get that done today and then set up my corner for my music (obviously I can't play piano in there, but...). The funny thing is that while I keep thinking to myself "I should just go re-install Steam and play some more TF2", I don't even really want to play in my heart. Regardless of that, I have a few things I need to get done for school and I'm hoping to read some more of that book on neuroscience. I'm hoping to finish it by the end of the week. Signing out, J(e)RK
  10. I've considered multiple words, but I think I'm going with Practice. To explain what this means to me, it means that I want to be able to practice things. Not just mess around for a little while, but truly to practice through repetition. It will be hard. But that's what's going to make it fun. I want to study more and better, and be able to truly engage with what I'm learning in school, not just remember these things for a little while to get through a test and a quiz. Most of all, I want to practice the skills that matter to me most rather than just thinking "wouldn't it be cool if I was x y z?" and then never following through. I want to finally follow through with my music and my school, because that's what it really is. If it isn't working for me long-term, then I guess that's what I should work on. Thanks for being such a great community. I know I'm a newcomer and kinda bad about management of video games, but I appreciate having a community that I can run to and find support and inspiration. I certainly look forward to visiting this site much more in 2018 and remembering why I do what I do.
  11. Day 1 The Return Well, I thought myself above video games, but I have rather proven myself unable to overcome them. After returning to video games last week, I have felt myself overall less adventurous and willing to take up my own hopes. This time, I have fewer goals, as last time, I was caught up in a rather intense fervor for many things. I may add more goals, but for the moment, I hope to play at least 45 minutes - 1 hour of music in some capacity (besides simple listening). I still hope to go to bed at 9:00 each night. I am pondering which active undertaking I shall yet take part in, but at the moment I am on the school track team and will continue to do so until next season, when I hope to have worked out my next exercise. At the moment I hope to dance. Other than that, I want to re-focus much of my time into studying. I shall perhaps spend a small amount of time each weekend working on my card game. Otherwise I would spend my free time watching YouTube and perhaps drawing. In case you have been uninformed by my first post, I have been here before. I went without video games for about a month when I came and went few days on this journal before going back to video games. This time I hope, once more, to have my decision to be permanent, for I have many interests which do not include messing around in someone else's utopia for hours on end. Short background: I started video games on the Nintendo DS at about the age of 7. The purpose was at first to give me a hobby for the long plane ride from the U.S. to Spain, and I began playing the two games Mariokart DS and Animal Crossing: Wild World. I explored more games and eventually gravitated more to PC gaming, as I felt the PC to be a more worthy console with a keyboard and mouse than the few buttons on a console. At the time of quitting at during my relapse, my favorite game was Team Fortress 2. I actually misspoke when I first said I had played for 2250 hours, and it is closer to 2150 hours total. I decided to quit because every idealistic re-imagination of my future is devoid of video games. I am unsure about how to drive home this decision, but I am considering adding to my little document written in a passive-aggressive style to myself known only as Mission Control. I'm a weird kinda kid, and I'm not sure of very much about myself except my gender and interest in piano and possibly neuroscience. A few facts: I have played piano for about 9.5 years and hope to do it for a job I'm kinda retro, and I think that my life would be better off without some forms of technology I'm also interested in neuroscience and considering going to a boarding school in order to pursue it I lifeguard part-time I figured I may as well just journal for today. As I said, I have track, and today was a meet. I did terribly, since I'm like 5'5" being generous and throw shot. The meet pretty much wasted my entire day, and I didn't get to study or work on anything except for a half-hour video which was due yesterday (I was planning on doing it at 5 this morning but I overslept). I made the decision last night to quit again, and this morning I carried through on my decision and uninstalled Steam after going back and forth on the issue for a few days now. I was very close to going back to being up all night. I'm gonna get to bed late tonight, mostly due to the horrible combination of events from today. I still hope to wake at 5 and certainly hope for tomorrow to be better. It's good to be back!
  12. Well alright, I originally wasn't going to make this post but . . . I've decided to go back into video games. I'm not entirely sure that this is going to be permanent, but I'm still unsure of what else I can really do. I feel powerful on video games, whereas I'm powerless everywhere else. If I can't continue to retain my good habits, I'll be right back here and probably call it a relapse, but I've honestly thought about it. I just have nothing else to work towards consistently. My piano performances are few and far between. For that matter, most of the stuff I do has little purpose. I'm going to attempt to continue dancing or biking, I'm unsure of which as of yet, and a good sleep schedule. Obviously I'm going to continue with piano, as well. Anyway, just let this thread die. I'll find it again if I need it.
  13. Well, it is early in the month. I'm sure you could get the entire chapter done with 3 hours a day for almost the entire month. I'm glad your day wasn't a bust, because with school, every day feel like a bust for me (sorry I'm kinda upset about school right now if you couldn't tell). And now I feel even worse about practically wasting my Christmas break. Anyway, I'm glad you're doing well! Thanks for the recommendation on my journal, I'm thinking about writing some more personal feelings in a private journal sometime soon. Time just melts away when school is in.
  14. @Kiki I forgot to post this on previous days, but thanks a ton for commenting daily! It helps me out a ton. I feel like there's a ton going on in my life that I have control over and I think today I got a lot of that out. It's kinda a drag and pretty long as far as my journal entries are concerned, but I'm glad I wrote it. Start Date: November 27 90 Days: February 25 Day 6 I didn't really do anything today, save for school. I had very little homework which, somewhat regrettably, I still have not done. Only a few classes even assigned me homework, as usual, but I am trying to consider what I want to do with my time. Video games, as always, are very appealing, and while I would love to get out of the house to find a band or hang out with some friends, I am unable to drive myself anywhere and live 15 minutes away from the closest city by car. So I really have very little control over what I actually get to do. School takes up most of my time, and the rest in generally taken up by sleep and trying to have a little fun, albeit through the cheap method of addiction. So now I'm consider the, in my opinion, real option of succumbing to my addiction in order to give myself something to devote myself to. If I had my way, it would definitely be piano, but sometimes I just feel that I have no real songs to work on since I have no up and coming performances planned, except for half a year down the road. My performances at the church have certainly helped at least a little, but I've probably got a few months before I end up even working on another song for that. I don't really know what I need to get better at practicing, or if quitting video games are it, or if I need to just be a bit more reasonable, since I've not practiced regularly for about 2 years now. I feel really bad because I feel like I should be able to make things better just on my own, or at least with some motivation from online, but it seems to me that I may be unable to do such a thing after all. I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly due to this inability to practice consistently, and I'm really trying to get to the root of the matter so I can make myself practice, but I just can't. All of a sudden, my fingers feel weak, whether it's just for having typed that sentence, or because my keyboard can get rather tiring after a long day at school, which I don't think is true. I wish there was some way, any way, to escape where I am right now. I have considered going to the North Carolina School of Science and Math, but I feel like any chance I have at getting in there would be through no small amount of deception and rationalization. I want to be able to control what goes on in my life, but I really just can't. Why is this the reality for being a kid, well, anywhere? I'm sick of it. I don't know the true rationale, but I know a lot of senior citizens would pay a lot to go back to being a kid, but the amount of freedom you really have is limited. I guess that's just proof that no matter where some people are, they just can't find happiness, and think that either it's just up ahead or perhaps they just missed it. What a stupid cycle. I feel like I learned absolutely nothing today at school, even though there were several lectures, and while I did enjoy hanging out with all the friends I didn't see over break, it just reminded me of how little time and influence I really have over where I go and what I can do. If what I want to do for a job is play piano, why can't I just do that? If I become indecisive, then that's my fault and my problem, but if I want to make that decision, then I should be entrusted with being able to make it. I shouldn't be forced to take some ludicrous amount of math, English, and science courses, for whatever reason. Man I've wanted to get this out for so long. School annoys me, not because it's so boring, but just because, in many ways, it's so useless, and lots of it is just fluff. It has no purpose. Tell me, how many professions are gonna grow up and need to know what makes up a cell? Anything related to biology, maybe, but that doesn't even make up a majority of people leaving high school. I understand that lots of people are indecisive, but it shouldn't be anyone's job besides their own to figure out what they want. Instead, we force some random courses, and while scientific literacy is important, I've honestly learned more about that over the last few months of watching YouTube than in school, well ever, about how to fact check. How to find correct, reliable sources. For that matter, the only class I've EVER had which even attempts to teach me such a skill is HEALTH class. Why is that Health related? I'm not going to know everything about science, so the important parts of science and scientific discovery, at least for me, are being able to find and interpret that data. And then there's math. Really, you would think 4 years would be more than enough, but most of all, I've never used something more advanced than exponents and maybe probability in the real world. I think the problem with a ton of people and how they teach math is along the basis of "well, someone can find this useful, so that means everyone needs to know it", which is totally untrue. While it may be reasonable for me to learn some basic skills, what job couldn't teach you the math involved within 1-2 years unless it was a math-intensive job, which could still probably teach you within 8 years. I mean, really, the entire school system is based off of "we can teach you this and we have some more time to waste, so why the hell not" type of reasoning. I'm sick of it. I like classes like Health & PE which teach you healthy habits for the real world, because after all, we are animals first, and humans second. Yet we're just told assertion after assertion and expected to believe it. It's no wonder why so many Americans are super gullible, because that's all we're taught. Sure, there are a few teachers who will throw you a curve-ball every now then, and ask you to fact check what they say, but really, you can't check like 4+ classes of facts every day. It's just not possible. And even in history, where they claim to be teaching you about how "history repeats itself and all that changes are the names", and you should think about what's happening and how it turned out before, that's just such a lame excuse. You're teaching the specific names, you're teaching the specific dates, and you're teaching the specific events. So don't feed us some garbage about how we're "learning about human nature" or whatever, just tell us that you're teaching us about what happened before and give us a reasonable explanation. Going back to school today just reminded me of all the stupidity involved with it. Sorry for making you read all this, I just really needed to get it out, and even if nobody actually reads this paragraph in its entirety, it helped me just to get it all put down somewhere. TL;DR: School is stupid and needs to get its act together. Aside from all that negativity, one of my friends from school invited me to her 16th birthday party. Seeing the stack of invitations, it seemed to me that she was inviting a multitude of people. I'll probably see about going, and my parents are always getting on me about going to social stuff. So I guess I'll try to go. Anyway, it's a bit late to set my daily goals today. I'm just gonna put down my weeklies. Good night all. Weekly Goals: Test out my calendar/planner Finish and test my 2 decks Work on some new songs for piano Practice dance for 15 minutes each day Limit myself to 1 hour of YT each day Keep my room clean Jam a little bit on the drum set. 15 minutes of dance (cumulatively)
  15. I won't lie, I've never really been into any kind of social media, save for YouTube and video game communities, for more than a few weeks, tops. I just find them very restrictive and I can never find what I want with ease, and the humor gets old in a hurry. For most people, social media probably takes up a lot of their lives, which I just find a bit saddening. Anyway, I need to be getting to bed, but good luck getting back into the swing of things! To be honest, I've never understood the mentality of "hey, next year is gonna be great, let's start it off by ruining our sleep schedule!". It doesn't seem much like the sort of thing you want to do when things are going to get better.