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Phoenixking

Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

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Day 61

Work was boring. But at least my two coworkers are fun. We're getting closer. We're the only ones of our age too. I secretly love having inside jokes and stuff. It's like I'm sticking it to the man and showing all these 'old folks' with kids and houses how to have fun.

Krav maga was excellent! I learned how to low kick and defend. The people were very kind and compassionate and skilled. I had to defend my ass from 3 attackers at the same it. It was all very realistic and the violence was controlled but not too much. It was both educational and a great way to let off some steam. I love that I do this now. It's going to be a twice weekly thing! Afterwards I felt happy and confident. If something serious were to happen, I could hold my own. There's a true sense of empowerment in that.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Krav maga sparring was excellent.

Body/health

Hurt that same leg muscle again. But I also didn't warm up. I should mind my body. I'm not 16 anymore.

Mind/soul

Nothing specific comes to mind.

What progress did I make today?

Minded my diet. Went to practice. A bit of this and that.

What went well today:

Practice and being home alone afterwards.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Maybe work more. I tend to just hang out and talk to colleagues. Sometimes it seems as if nobody truly likes their work. I can't fathom why they do it then. Obviously for the money, but why not invest more in being happy or doing what you love?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Have a nice evening alone and not worry about the fear of missing out. There's lots of chores to do and fun things like Duolingo and reading.

Goals:

Try and do a half-decent job at work. My colleague is coming back on Monday and I don't want him to feel like I fucked him over. Enjoy my evening home alone.

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Day 62

Work was dull as always. Only the 2 coworkers of my generation make it a tad less dull. One is going through a breakup and we talk a LOT. The other is having a birthday party tomorrow. She has an extremely hot and single sister. I have issues with that idea. Part of me wants to flirt and have fun. Another, more sane part of me knows that that would be breaking a few boundaries. Not to mention that I have a tendency, like an alcoholic with a mug of grog, to use flirting and sex to forget about my problems.

I cancelled on the nympho after my niece said that she could go with me. I also admitted to the niece what I had done and how impatient I had been. I was véry grateful for her forgiveness. She's a great person. Reading 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck' has shown me how selfish and entitled I can be sometimes. It's still hard for me to be kind to myself when reading things like that. I find it difficult to view my bad sides and accept them. I do feel like I made great progress by cancelling on the nympho.

When I came home, Friyay! Comfy pants time! And a glass of really good Scotch. Because I had something to celebrate! I have made a list of birthday stuff. I used to ignore my birthday for years, madly afraid that if I threw a party, nobody would show up. Nobody ever gave me any thoughtful gifts. Just random shit like bottles of wine or chocolate. It made me feel even worse. As if they didn't know me well enough to figure out what a good gift would be. When I give a gift to somebody, I really make an effort. It has to be something personal.

So after a while I started giving myself birthday gifts. 2 years ago I started snowboarding on my birthday again, after 10 years of not doing it. Just 1 day on an indoor slope. But it felt amazing. This year, it's a tad expanded. I celebrated with the Scotch because I had given myself a ticket to the Twenty One Pilots concert, the Banditos tour! Also, I have my eye on an Dungeon Master's guide. I want to get a massage done. And I'd like tablet. And the party I'm planning is killer. The food, the drinks, the entertainment. More on that on a later day.

I was on my couch in lazy mode. Food in belly, chips, beer, veggies, funny movie. The niece texts! Her ex-boyfriend is in town and she wants to go out but she can't get the idea of running into him out of her brain. So I switcheroo my clothes and we hang out all night.

We ended up in the fun, charming Mexican bar. All kinds of special rum and tequila. I even wore a luchador mask! The owners made great soft shell tacos and the tequila I had was out of this world. I might just go back by myself and learn about tequila and Mexican culture. I'll have to brush up on my Spanish, though. But I feel like I would enjoy an evening there. 

After that I went to hang out at her place, we joked around and listened to music. The great kind that makes you need to lie down and enjoy it. I missed moments like that. I've only ever had 2-3 before in my life. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I cancelled the nympho. The Mexican bar was a revelation.

Body/health

The muscle still aches. Everything else works fine. 

Mind/soul

Happy that I'm going to be celebrating my birthday and that I'm giving myself cool gifts. But it's very confronting to start to realize what a dick I can be, how entitled my worldview is sometimes. There is still a rather long road to be travelled in terms of loving myself.

What progress did I make today?

Cancelled on the nympho. Admitted to my bad behaviour to my niece. Corrected the mistake and said I was sorry and explained myself. I was able to let go and enjoy the weekend, not just because of the fun things that are planned, but also because of the chores I have lined up. I can be stressfree because I trust myself that I'll eventually do them.

What went well today:

Being home alone.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Maybe think less. I tend to overthink things. Mainly my relationship to other women and dating and flirting and being single. And my relationship with myself.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to just enjoy myself without and flirty intentions. If it happens, sure, enjoy. But don't go looking for it. That's bad juju.

Goals:

Find a nice present for my Mexican colleague. OMFG. I can maybe go to that bar from last night and ask for help! And just work down the chores list. 

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Day 63

I had a fun day!

I went out to the sports store to get my Krav Maga gear. I'm now the proud owner of a pair of kickass boxing gloves, some shin protectors and a jock strap. After that I went and saw a buddy of mine who works at an Escape Room. My Mexican friend is celebrating her birthday and that would be a perfect gift. 

So I was running around and enjoying being active. The sun was out. All good things! Then I started to get ready. I had 2 parties to attend, both of which had a mild chance of being a bit awkward. The first was the ten year anniversary of our office's Sales Manager. I don't nescessarily consider my coworkers my friends, but an invitation like that feels serious. I felt honored almost. I was the only one of my generation who got invited. Which also made it weird because I was the youngest one there. Everybody had kids and they all talked about boring subject like going on vacations or their kids. I like dressing up, though. The theme was 'a touch of bohemian'. Some people really pulled it off. Most of them didn't make an effort. Ugh. It took me 2 hours to realize this was a dud. 

I left quickly and went home to change for the other party. Another place where I wouldn't know anybody but I was confident my small talk skills would awaken. They weren't exactly awake when I was at the other party. Older people tend to clump together. Younger people tend to introduce you to other and it's all less stiff and rigid. 

When I came in she immediately fed my her food. God, she's a great cook. Mexican food is the best! I sat down with a few friends of hers, she introduced me and then she left ?

I held my own though. I'm good at small talk when I'm in the right mood. There was also a girl in their midst. She found the way that I spoke very sexy. I can't believe she just out and said that. I had a great conversation with her and a friend of hers. But then her boyfriend showed up. There was a bit of tension so I left. They must have had issues. I can't imagine somebody who's happy in a relationship would openly flirt with another man like that. 

I did find her on Facebook though. I sent the Mexican friend a text about her. To test the waters. I wouldn't mind adding her on Facebook. I also talked up another girl on Instagram. Sometimes, I'm really in the zone. I felt great; like a rockstar! 

I looked great, I took tips from the Art Of Charm podcast. I felt like I was trying to listen a lot and give more than I take. I felt social and verbally skilled. And the flirting was nice. I felt like I was being who I was supposed to be. I'm still a bit on the fence about my flirting though. I tend to lay it on a bit thick or use flirting and sex as an escape mechanism. It makes me a tad desperate.  But all in all I had a great day.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I took an amazing picture. I'll add it below!

Body/health

I didn't have my shake so I had a bit less energy. But fine overall. I looked goooooood last night. But I do need a haircut. I have an appointment on the 20th.

Mind/soul

A tad nervous but also excited. My social skills were active. But as always I'm a tad critical of myself. I don't want to come over as too forward.

What progress did I make today?

Followed the Art Of Charm's advice on clothing and breaking the ice. Connected with a few people (aka girls)

What went well today:

The parties!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat more and healthier.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Do my fucking chores. The place is a mess.

Goals:

Recover from the hangover, clean up the place and then do something else that's useful.

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Day 64

Well, I just about did nothing today. 

I slept in and dragged my butt through the hangover. Not a painful headache or anything. Just a lazy slow Sunday. I spent the biggest part of the day on the couch. I watched anime and that was about it. I had a phone conversation with a friend of the ex. She's cool because she wants to hear both sides of the story. Though I like her for that and appreciate that fact, it's also a closed chapter for me now. It's a tad annoying she kept bringing it up. I get it, the ex is véry dominant. The command all her friends to keep an eye on my social media because I blocked her account and her phone number. After the whole money-withholding-drama, I decided I'm 100% done. 

I had a bit of a lame day. I couldn't get out of the couch. I cleaned up the place a bit and did my dishes but that's about it. Nothing insane happened. I just laid on the couch and fiddled with my laptop and social media. I kept checking Facebook and Instagram A LOT. As if I was trying to fill a hole.

I'm noticing there's turbulence in me. I'm not very good at being alone. I start grasping at all kinds of straws, I get unruly and restless. I would text random girls or just do whatever. I've only been single for 3 months max in my life. I've always had girlfriends. I don't really get close to people. I have a hard time opening up. But when I'm in a relationship, it goes a bit smoother. I notice that I really use attention and flirting to compensate for that. And I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that and stopping that kind of behaviour. I guess it's because I haven't figured out fully why I do that and what I can use to quit the bad habit and replace it with a good habit. 

I think that's why I was on the couch all day today. I miss being in a couple. I'm not used to this. I'm used to always having some flirt or fuckbuddy or steady girlfriend to talk to. It's been weeks since I've kissed somebody or have been touched in any way. A part of me empathizes and recognizes it's a very basic human need and that it's okay to flirt and fuck around a bit if you're single. But another part of me also doesn't want any of that hollow shit. 

It's as if as soon as I have some form of inner peace, I find another part of my personality to hold under a magnifying glass and analyze it to bits; just to drive myself crazy.

Ugh. I just want somebody to tell me I'm pretty and kiss me and proceed to screw my brains out. It's so tempting to relapse and watch porn and drink rum all day. I haven't done anything like that. But I can feel the urges are growing when I feel things like these conflicting emotions.

I might take a trip soon to clear my head. Or maybe in January. I don't know. But I think a little holiday would benefit me. But I need to see if I can get off work and also money...

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I look at my entire Instagram feed and cleaned it up a little. I've done, seen, met and visited some crazy stuff.

Body/health

Hangover is gone. I'm looking forward to Krav Maga on Tuesday. I can finally test out my new gear!

Mind/soul

Conflicted. Learning to deal with being single/alone and how I deal with it by flirting and how good/bad that is.

What progress did I make today?

Did the dishes, took out my pasta sauce for tomorrow when my friend comes over, Discord conversation because our D&D podcast goes public tomorrow!

What went well today:

Tidying the place up.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Be a bit more active. Deal with that I feel and why. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try and do a half-decent job at work. Or just survive the day. Talk to my friend and have an emotionally healthy night. Ask his opinion on this matter.

Goals:

Try not to be too hard on myself. Cook. Enjoy my friend's company and play boardgames.

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Little addition: I got off my butt and did something about the way I felt. I reread the part about the Feedback Loop From Hell out of the book 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'. I feel way better now. Rum & Coke in my hand, some improv to get my giggle on and off to bed. Happy I have that book now.

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Day 65

Work was sooo chill. My coworkers and I kind of admitted we don't really do much work and just talk all day. It was kind of a relief to admit that. When you look at it like that, it's totally true. We text, joke and talk all day. We had a lot of banter today, it was a funny day.

I went out with a buddy of mine, he seems to really appreciate the company. He's a generous, warm and loving person who loves boardgames. He véééry much helped me out. I'm not sure if we'd be friends under different circumstances. But he's so kind and nice and handy. I would just about say yes to anything he would ask me. I owe him so much. It's like I don't deserve him. 

The podcast went live today. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I was so excited and nervous àll day long. When the madness finally happened and we all shared the posts and stuff got shared around, it felt amazing. We got lots of like, followers and listens. We might make the first 100 by the second or third episode. There's already two B-list celebrities on whom's radar we're on. And we even received our first sponsor! Can you believe that?! We'd be getting free dice, towers, ... All of them laser etched with our logo! I can't wait for that to happen. 

It has been an exhilarating day.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Podcast went live, boatload of reaction and a sponsor contacted us.

Body/health

No real issues. But the knees hurt a bit. I might have to start looking out for my knees again and start up my exercises.

Mind/soul

Today was less of a battle with the whole being single thing. I think I might blow off some steam this weekend, there's a singles party planned with a buddy.

What progress did I make today?

Prepped my sports bag for Krav Maga tomorrow. Cleaned up the place a bit. Found a manual for my dishwasher ànd my microwave. Collected all of the malfunctioning lights. Small victories.

What went well today:

Laughing with the coworkers. Dealing with the social media for the podcast. I truly have an interest in it. I have the first meeting with my jobcoach on Friday. I will totes mention this.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Be less glued to my phone.  

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to let the phone be the phone and not have it glued to my hand. 

Goals:

Kick ass at Krav Maga and use my new gear for the first time. Survive work.

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Day 66

Work was boring. Holy shit. My coworker is back from his holiday so all of the interesting things have gone away now. Thank heavens I have my jobcoach set up for this Friday. I really need to find something else to do. The launch of the podcast has shown me that I'm really a digital native kind of guy. I should do something with PR or social media or something... We'll see what the coach thinks.

Krav Maga was fuuuuun! My body hurts from blocking blows ? But I sometimes get compliments about my form. I seem to just like fighting. And I have good control over my body. My physical therapist says the same thing. I learn and adapt fast. Maybe in a different life I could have been an pro sportsplayer or something. My arms hurt a little but overall I feel good. I'll sleep well tonight.

Afterwards I made veggie wraps. I bought a buttload of veggies and I don't want them to go bad so I better eat them quickly! There is something oddly satisfying about that. I guess it's an affirmation that eating way more healthily has become a common habit of mine and not something new I have to focus on and try to maintain.

I invited my mom for my birthday. Partly because I should. Out of principle, you know? But she's so harsh. You can't depend on her. She'll flake and hurt you and not care. Crude woman. I haven't heard from her in months. Despite her knowing of me moving, my crisises, the break-up. I truly feel like she does not care one inch. She's never even stepped a foot in my previous apartment and only met the ex twice. One of those times, she behaved very rudily. My sister emplores me to give it a shot and see if we can't smooth things over. I keep telling her that I have tried to have a proper relationship with her, but all attempts end up with me losing steam. It's always a one-sided initiative. She just simply doesn't care. I'm meeting her this Sunday. My sister is putting in a lot of effort to help both of us out. I can communicate about how I feel easily. Mom can't. I have little to no compassion for that. If you're in your fifties and haven't matured to the point you can deal with yourself and how you feel, in a world where therapy and books about communication are ubiquitous, then you're just lazy and not trying. I am none of those things and I will move the fuck on if you can't match my speed. Mom or not. If you're going to treat me badly, why would I keep on investing time in you when all I get is a bad feeling at the end of the day. I'd rather spend that time on myself and progress and grow and learn. Or spend it with my friends or hypothetical girlfriend. I understand that family implies loyalty. But my dad flaked out of my sister and me when we were rather young, he stole our entire life savings, the money we would receive to get us through college or to pay for a car or a marriage. He kept on popping up and increasing how fucked up it made us as people. There are hundreds of thousands of other people out there with legitimate big issues with their parents. Why is it so weird to want to cut ties with them? I mean, you'd do the same if it was a close friend or a boy- or girlfriend, right? I've never been close with my mom and if she's causing me all kinds of mayhem, then that's just too bad. Sure, that sucks. But if I cut her out of my life, at least I can control exactly how much that sucks. I don't hear from her anyway and she doesn't really support me in any way, financially, emotionally, ... If she were to not speak to me for another year, I'd probably not notice much of a difference. The whole ordeal is made worse by the fact that she's coming to my birthday and I have trouble uninviting her. So it's facing her on a day I'll be stressy and happy at the same time because I want it to be a great time. But she'll find a way to fuck it up. I don't need kind of mess. My sister convinced me to give it one more shot. I told her I had no faith in it working out at all. She changed my mind but I made it clear that I'm doing this for her. I showed her a text I had received from my mom. She said I was only welcome if I were to apologize. To me it proves that she's already behaving preemptively hostile. Rather than trying to establish a base of communication and respect, she's already setting terms. I assume it's going to be a clusterfuck and I'll plan for something nice I'll do for/with myself on Sundayevening. I will anticipate the chaos, face my demons, unshackle and unleash them, and I'll smile. If I can quit games, porn, survive a job I hate for so long, a breakup and moving and living alone, I can totally face this too. Easily. I got this.

Holy shit. There's only 24 more days before I hit the 90-day-mark... I wonder what will happen then. I'll probably do the challenge. But I'll miss this forum and doing the diary. Maybe I'll continue. I don't know. What do people do usually?

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The instructor kept using me for his demos. It felt like an honor. Like he could trust me. 

Body/health

A bit bruised but happy and healthy overall.

Mind/soul

Less issues with being single. Excited for the singles party on Friday. A tad miffed because of Mom. 

What progress did I make today?

Printed my microwave's manual at work (sneaky!). Prepped some veggie wraps for tomorrow. Got some cooling fluid for my car. 

What went well today:

Krav Maga practice. Talking to my sis about Mom. Trying to deal with the whole sitch with healthy communication.

What I could have done to make my day better:

That third episode of Terrace House was too much. But it was sooo exciting! I'm rather tired now.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to make work interesting, I guess. Maybe I'll make a list of birthday shit I need to arrange.

Goals:

Survive work. Eat healthy. Have a productive and fun evening to myself with chores and shit.

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10 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

There are hundreds of thousands of other people out there with legitimate big issues with their parents. Why is it so weird to want to cut ties with them? I mean, you'd do the same if it was a close friend or a boy- or girlfriend, right? [...] Sure, that sucks. But if I cut her out of my life, at least I can control exactly how much that sucks.

I can relate to this as if it was me who wrote it. So I 100% support your decision, I even find it beneficial for yourself. I used to talk about my relationship with my mother with my psychologist and she told me that it wasn't good to make such a great effort if my mother wouldn't even care to worry about the problem and admit she was wrong and was partly to blame too. I know I am not perfect, but c'mon at least I'm trying to improve, she wasn't even trying. And I'm not willing to bear all the guilt just because she is too immature to accept it.

My psychologist suggested me to keep my communication with her as calm as possible and just tell her to talk later if things started to get tense. I had to talk to her for many reasons, but I see you don't have to because you sustain yourself, so I agree with you on this:

11 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I will anticipate the chaos, face my demons, unshackle and unleash them, and I'll smile. If I can quit games, porn, survive a job I hate for so long, a breakup and moving and living alone, I can totally face this too. Easily. I got this.

You have gone through a lot of things in the last weeks and you have been strong enough to not fall into the addiction again. You can allow yourself to be happy for it, it's a good achievement. Life will bring good and bad moments, knowing how to properly deal with them is the key to self-improvement and self-maintenance.

I'm happy for your achievements, keep up the good work. You got this!

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11 hours ago, Peluconus said:

I had to talk to her for many reasons, but I see you don't have to because you sustain yourself, so I agree with you on this

Thanks for the feedback and backup man. When I read some of your entries, I could totally relate. It was like I was seeing a younger version of myself. I left the house when I was like 18 but for money I still had to depend on mommy for a while. The job I do is shit. But it does allow me to feel safe. I have some savings too. Not too much. But enough to hold my own if my car broke down or I needed a new laptop. I understand you will still have to face them sometimes for some reasons. I follow what your psych says, try to just get by as calmly as possible. At this point, we have nothing to prove to our parents because anything we'd do, will not have the effect we desire and deserve. The love and all of that will come from friends, from ourselves, others, partners and achievements.

I'll just have to accept and live with the fact that she doesn't care and she's a horrible and stupid person for not wanting to see how awesome and strong I'm becoming. That's her ass missing out. There's lots of family members who have my back on this. And I try vigourously to not let it affect the way I look at myself. It's not because my mom looks at me with a stoic ease that I'm less valuable as a person. I just hope they haven't gotten to you in a way like that, man. You deserve happiness and as you keep fighting, the obstacles will lessen ?

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Day 67

So work has gotten back to the point of epic dullness. I once again find myself doing personal stuff during work hours. Today I was able to plan my entire birthday party. And I got paid to do it ? And there was lots of wisecracking and talking and just lounging about. I feel like the other two millenials who work there feel the same way. Well, kind of. We just tend to slack and shoot the shit a lot. Come to think of it, it's not a very disciplined office. I truly wonder what's going to start happening with my perception of me, my current job and where I want to go after this Friday's first session with my job coach.

When I came home, I wanted to get some shit done. But now I can hardly remember what I did. I planned out my birthday a bit more, did some emails, prepped my appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I found somebody who's an expert on ADHD. I want her to help me understand the way my brain is wired and IF I have ADHD in the first place. I remember experimenting with Ritalin as a dumb young twentysomething in college. It was amazing. Like some kind of fog was suddenly lifted from my brain. Not the pills but the experience was addicting! It's like I had been smart all of my life but I never was able to use it. Suddenly I felt like human computer, all of this useful stuff kept bubbling up. 

But I also have a personality that tends to get addicted to stuff very easily. So I'll have a clear talk with her about that too.

I ate healthy and made a batch of pasta sauce filled with veggies. I do love cooking. It cheers me up. I listened to some Critical Role. I read some comments on my podcast. This shit is picking up, you guys. I think we hit some kind of accidental jackpot. Episode 1 and we already have a partner! There's this D&D merch company that wants to give us free shit. And there's lots of positive comments. I'm so proud and happy! The next episode will air on the 17th. I can't wait for the reactions to flow through!

I also had a bit of a melancholy mood. There was this sad song stuck in my head and it kind of swept me away. I miss the ex. I miss being kissed, loved and told how kind I am. I miss compliments and being loved and nurtured. I can't count on my mom so I've always compensated with relationships and loving girlfriends. I know vééééry clearly that there's no way I should go back to the ex. That ship has sailed and sunk! But it was so nice to laugh with her, she and I shared so many beautiful moments.

I just overtook me and I let it. I think it's because I felt like it would be healthy to be sad for a bit. I just laid there on the bed, staring at the sealing, letting the music rip my heart to shreds.

And then I got up and continued my life.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I started a Whatsapp group with my 2 coworkers. I'm really starting to get along with them. I care about them. Look at me! I'm connecting and stuff!

Body/health

Oh my god, I'm so sore! Training kicked my ass! ? But I kind of like it.

Mind/soul

I'm okay. Not amazing, not horrible either. Just okay ?

What progress did I make today?

Lots of small seeds planted. Prepped the birthday party and planned the tasks well ahead of time. Some mails, some random things. Meal prepped. 

What went well today:

Having a relaxing evening while also getting some shit done. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

A tad less Netflix, I guess. But Terrace House is so good! I often wonder what my experience in Japan would be like. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to be a bit more active when I get home. Though I understand if that's difficult because of my job sucking the life out of me ?

Goals:

Survive work. Eat healthy. Have a good meeting with the psychiatrist. PHOTOSHOP. I have procrastinated long enough!

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Day 68

I slept badly. I kept thinking and worrying about the conversation I'll be having with my mother this Sunday. And also what could happen and what I'd do if it went badly and they'd show up at my party. I should be above it but it fucked me up. After a while I decided this was either way below me and I'm way too cool nowadays to deal with this, or it's way above me and I don't have control over what'll happen. So either way, I had to stop worrying. Didn't stop me from wasting a few precious hours of sleep, though. But that's okay.

Work was hilarious today. My two millenials and I swapped sex stories. We giggled all day long. I even cried a little, that's how much we laughed. I'm going to miss these two if I ever do quit my job. They are what makes the mess worth it all. So funny. They'll be there at my birthday too! How cool is that? I actually have colleagues now whom I care about. I've never ever had that, it's such a strange thing to me. So I didn't do much today, except for bullshit and talk and jabber. And I got paid for that. I'd of course do something way more fulfilling! But as far as shitty jobs go, this one is doable for now.

I went to see the ADHD-specialist. Technically speaking she's a clinical neuropsychologist. We did an intake conversation. About my youth, life decisions, views, relationships, academia, jobs, siblings, general health... What's going to follow is a clinical interview, then a battery of tests and then the results. It's going to cost me about 200 bucks. But I'll know for sure if I have ADHD or not and then I might get some form of treatment or some kind of counselor if I want. I'm not super excited but I feel it's véry valuable to see if there actually are a few wired done differently than others in my head. 

I finally started the photoshop project! I'm so happy! Out of about 100 pictures, I selected the ideal one and what I was going to do to it. I downloaded the right materials. All there is left to do is fiddle with it. I'll need to make one with filters, one with text, one with text and filters above it and one with filters and text below it. It sounds like gibberish, but I'll explain properly one of these days. 

So overall a productive or at least funny and sexy day ^^

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Talking about anal when a colleague called on the phone. I couldn't hold in my laughter and had to wipe away a few tears. My coworker's boyfriend is right, we don't do much other than talk and joke around.

Body/health

Still a tiny bit sore but okay.

Mind/soul

Kind of excited and nervous for tomorrow night. Job coach and a singles party; And the day after that it's japanese food with a friend and a wedding! Such an exciting weekend!

What progress did I make today?

Photoshopped. Adhd specialist meeting. Talked to sister about prepping the food and groceries for the party. Paperwork is ready to go to government bureau for housing to officially make me a citizen and be done with all of these papers!

What went well today:

Bullshitting at work.

What I could have done to make my day better:

A tad less Netflix, I guess. I should probably put the limiter back on. We'll see.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to haul ass and not procrastinate or watch Netflix too much. Got places to be and people to see.

Goals:

Survive work. Eat healthy and buck up some energy, I'll need it. I want to party hard and have fun and not be insecure about myself or how I look. I look forward to my jobcoach. Don't get too drunk, you have a whole weekend of mayhem planned. Tipsy is okay. I'll be by bike anyway. I just want to have fun and be happy like I know I can ?

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Day 69

Work was okay. I went a half hour earlier so I got to quit sooner too. I was in full weekend vibe! Dancing on my bike home, in the hallway, in the shower. My friend had cancelled but a friend from improv had my back and stepped up.

Before she came over for some pre-boozing, I went to see my jobcoach, the very first time! It was great. It was amazing. She showed and learned me so many things. It's 5 am though and I'm tired as fuck. So I'll talk about that later sometime. Basically it was a long talk about when I feel happy and what I'm doing when I feel that, from moments like those she distilled what my talents are and what makes me happy and passionate. I also got about 30 pages of homework. So lots of introspective shit. I am very grateful to have met her. This is scary, but the good kind of scary.

Then the improv friend came over and my niece texted she'd tag along too. The improv friend and I hadn't seen each other in about 1,5 years. In that time she had become single and beaten cancer. In that time I had met the ex, had my life turned upside down and turned it back around again. It was a great conversation. We've always gotten along great. There's some kind of chemistry there. Our friends always assumed we'd end up together but nothing ever happened. I like her though, but she's flirty with everyone. It's difficult to figure out if the interest is mutual. Despite that, we talked for 3 hours straight, giggled and were amazed and drank bubbly. It was great! 

Then the party. It was... Odd... She had no problems talking, flirting, kissing, ... Guys flocked to her. I was uncomfortable though. I tried here and there but nothing stuck. At a certain point there was a Spanish girl that kept grinding and grinding me. Véry new to me. Huge sexy butt. But that was all that was, though. I found it so very fucking weird that she would do that but nothing further. It was a very sexual thing but maybe it's a Spanish thing? Not long after that I decided to leave. I used to be better at this. But I also used to be more shallow. 

When we left, I felt like I had nothing to lose. Somebody wanted to get in and needed a bracelet. I told her I'd give her mine for a kiss. We hugged the wall and played tonsil hockey for a sec and traded numbers. Sara. 4 letters, she said. Then we went to another party.

On the walk there, jokingly, the improv friend kissed me. It was because of a joke about lipstick. So nothing really legit, just a peck. But then I realized that I totally wanted more. 

After the second party, Sara showed up. We kissed a bunch again, danced and walked home. She was kind of rude and coarse. I might not see her again. She doesn't seem very nice. 

I texted the improv friend that I wouldn't mind a longer kiss from her. I would not have done that before. But fuck it. Apparently not thinking about things and just going for it works out.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The jobcoach session was amazing.

Body/health

Fine ? tomorrow might sting, though ?

Mind/soul

Reeling from the coach session. Reeling from the night. Lots of things went through me. Lust, disappointment, fun, uncomfortableness, ... I feel like I might work through some shit tomorrow.

What progress did I make today?

Jobcoach. Made myself pretty. Cleaned up a bit.

What went well today:

having fun and dancing and losing myself in the music and the jobcoach session

What I could have done to make my day better:

Think less, be less insecure about myself.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to let go of that insecurity and be confident in who I am and how I look.

Goals:

Eat Japanese and treat myself. Sleep in. Go to the wedding and have fun and be kind to my friends. Try and do some useful things in the middle of those.

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Day 70

I woke up slowly. Still reeling from the night before. So many things happened. I knew that there was going to be a point where I would have to untangle the mess inside. But first, RAMEN!

Fuck, it tasted good. Breakfast! I also went a little crazy and used a bit of the hair of the dog ? So I had a Japanese beer too. It did feel rather good to treat myself like that. Great start of the day. My friend was supposed to come with but she had to cancel because of work related stuff. She's a screenwriter and I know how hectic it can be. 

After that I went into a frenzy ? I had to be there on time but it was quite a drive. I also had to pretty pretty as fuck and get my suit. I also had to go and buy the gifts, wrap them and so on... So I just went for it. But tiny things kept going awry. It was so frustrating. The box ripped, no tape for the wrapping, not enough wrapping paper, ... I was so frustrated and annoyed. I noticed I was putting so much pressure on everything! Everything had to be perfect. So many things I HAD to do.

So I sat my ass down in my car. And I had a conversation with myself. I'm a tad proud of that. I felt the mess inside and I just untangled it with myself ? 

I was annoyed about last night and learned that the whole superficial shit was not my cup of tea. I don't like Tindr and I should probably not go to a party like that. If I do, that'd be fine but my expectations were too high. I should have just gone to enjoy myself and dance, not pick somebody up. So that's a lesson learned.

I thought about the improv friend. I'm sure she's not doing well. It stands to reason that cancer and losing her boyfriend probably sent her to a tough place. I think she flirted at Mach 3 to compensate somehow. We do have amazing chemistry though. I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her. She's cute, funny, smart and we have great conversations! I liked the kiss. I am curious if there is something else there. Normally I would not go looking for it because I don't want to ruin the friendship. But I totally want to hang out with her more and see where it leads. There's cancer involved. I'd never forgive myself for not taking the shot if she were to.. Well... Die. That idea scares me. I try not to think about too much. I want to make her smile.

And then there was the wedding. I was a tad nervous. My phone had almost no signal. It was in the middle of the woods. I was an hour early and was asked to wait a bit because there was still an intimate dinner going on. I wasn't going to drop in on that. I didn't really know anybody there. But I tried seeing it all as a big positive challenge. A learning experience! Get to know people! Talk! Be open and engaging! If you strike out, no biggie, there are tons of people there! There's bound to be a few fun and interesting folks.

It turned out to be one of the best nights of my life. Forum, something has awoken in me. The wedding was filled with people like me. Emotionally awake and communicative people. Freelancers and worldtravellers. Open, loving, great, smart, amazing people. I was so happy. I almost cried when I saw the newlyweds dance. There were drinks, food, acts, ... It all started slowly. I ran into an old colleague. Having nobody to speak to, we got to talking. I didn't really know him but he had an interesting life! Lots of things reminded me of stuff my jobcoach talked about. Suddenly, it all fell into place. Another old colleague dropped by. It all felt so meaningful and interesting. Everybody was so kind and happy. We talked about work, love, life, goals, what we think is important. We danced, we drank, we ate, we joked and told funny stories. It was so clear that there was soooo much love there. Every person there just honestly wanted everybody to smile and be happy. I hope I will never ever forget that night. It was legendary.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The wedding. And I untangled my own mess with myself.

Body/health

Bit hungover but I'm fine ? 

Mind/soul

I feel awoken in a positive sense. So appreciative of life. I am so happy. I'm so lucky to finally experience this profound sense of joy so spontaneously.

What progress did I make today?

Got the gift, treated myself, talked with myself and worked through the emotions messing me up a little, I let go of my expectations and pressures. I viewed what made me insecure as something positive and challenging.

What went well today:

The wedding. The talk with myself. A lot of things, really. In many ways.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Be a tad more mindful of my internal feedback loop from hell. Think less and dare to do more.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Let go a bit more of my fears. Clearly they solve nothing.

Goals:

Clean the place a little. It's messy. And go and have the talk with Mom and just be calm, communicative and stand up for myself.

IMG_20180908_142253_201.jpg

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4 hours ago, IvanSaw said:

70 Days Good Job

Thanks man! ? 20 more days to go! I feel like this detox has started a whole new me. One of the best decisions I've ever made!

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2 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

Sounds like you had an awesome night ? And this "Suddently it all fell into place" reminds me of a quote i read a while back: Maybe things are not falling apart, maybe they are falling into place. ? Congrats to the 70 days.

I did man. The best night ^^ 
Thank you and great quote. I guess we sometimes just see it all falling, but we don't always see in what way. ?

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Day 71

I can't believe I've been detoxing for so long. It almost seems like an eternity. When I look back I acknowledge the struggles. I think this has both been the hardest thing I've ever done but it's also the most fruitbearing period of my life. I feel like I'm growing as a person on a daily basis and it feels amazing. I am so happy nowadays. And not the superficial kind. True happiness that comes from within and from accepting yourself. There's still lots to be done, lots to be learned and dealt with. But I'm starting to be sure I can handle it. As long as I don't fall into the same old pit: putting pressure on myself. My jobcoach taught me to use "have to" a bit less and replace it with "may" a bit more ? takes the pressure of what you express but not the intensity of how important it is that it gets done. 

Today has been a stereotypical lazy day. The place is still a mess to be honest ? I was tired and lazy today. In a way, today was my way of celebrating how well I am nowadays. Last night confirmed that there is lots of happiness to be felt and that I am on a path of really cool and positive changes. I've been texting with a few girls so that craving has been satiated ? I had some Scotch today to celebrate how well I'm managing to do all of this. I'm truly proud of myself, I'm kind and loving to myself and I try to notice how I feel and communicate with myself. That's crazy to me. That's such a huuuuge transition for me. So I spent the better part of the day, as I tend to often do on Sundays, on the couch ? Going out for 2 days tends to whoop your ass ? 

Oh, and the big talk with Mom. My sister called and I explained to her my car troubles. She didn't want to come and pick me up. (Really? After all of the drama and so close to the finish line she's acting all snooty?) She said she's too scared to drive her car in the city center and she doesn't 'do' highways. Honestly, I have no ounce of patience with that. If you're an adult, you drive your car and pay your taxes and stuff. If my car breaks down and I need a ride, I'm not going to get my bike, go to the train station with a hangover, pay for a ticket, take a train ride, have you pick me up at another train station and then I would have to take the wheel and drive us to Mom with her car? My god. So convoluted! Yuck. Be an adult and just drive your bloody car. There was nobody to help me out when I was learning to drive. I had to pay for my own car, my own driving lessons from the school, nobody ever helped me. And it was hard and terrifying. Psh. Get on my level, little sis. After a while I just said to leave it like that. I'll drive my broken car. It wasn't worth the drama. But in my head I filed it under "Proof of my prejudiced opinion that she hasn't changed and is still unreliable and flakey". She's going to come over on my birthday and help out with the cooking. But I'm mentally prepared to find a backup last minute. It's horrible that I have to do that though. I should learn to keep my distance from her a bit more. She says she's changed but I'm totally not convinced.

We had agreed to go in the late afternoon. But my sister kept pushing it out in front of her. In the end we'd be arriving by 4:30 or something. Turns out that Mom and her BF had planned a dancing class at 6. So I was a tad miffed that she hadn't even had the common courtesy to actually free up some time for a huge conversation like this. Not talking for over a year is not something that you will be able to conveniently plan in your late afternoon schedule. You MAKE time for that. The whole deal is that she never takes it seriously when there's something going on and everything has to be on her terms, she wants to do as little an effort as possible and no matter how often you call her out on that, she won't change that. So when I heard she intended to let everything go on in her home instead of somewhere on neutral ground, I felt myself taking a step back. That wasn't at all what we had agreed upon. 

We had agreed upon meeting somewhere on neutral ground. The drama from my screaming sister about not wanting to pick me up, combined with Mom already crawling back on a couple of agreed things and a foul message she's sent me earlier this week confirmed what I had thought: this is not a good idea, this will take up time and energy of mine and the conflict will make me end up hurt and disappointed once again. I had made a point of this earlier that week. I told my sister that I wanted to cancel because I could already predict that all of the effort would have to come from us and that I'm not going to be doing that. If she wants to build a bridge, she has to show me she wants to, not just say it. We live a 20-minute-drive apart. It's a small effort to send a text saying "How are you?" or to drive over. I told them. I don't want anything at all, except for some attention. I want her to want to know me. If she doesn't want that, that's fine. I'm a bit of an oddball; I can accept that not everyone will find me fun to be around. That's only normal. But then don't be surprised that there's this huge gap in between us. And then don't act all hurt if I'm the only one trying to repair things and I stop and take a step back. 

Her boyfriend called. He wanted me to hear him out. He started off with "I don't want to meddle, but..." And the he proceeded to meddle for about 15 minutes ? I told him it's a tad hilarious to hear a grown self-proclaimed smart man say those words and then behave that way. I get the idea that this tedious man just wanted to monologue for a while. He didn't really let me finish whenever I spoke. He interrupted often. I don't get the idea he wanted to listen or understand me. He just wanted to hear the sound of his own voice and hear me tell him he's right. That shit don't fly with the new me. You want a relationship with me? Sure. I'm open to that. But I'll be on guard because you have a bad rep and you have to obviously show some good will. That's not there? Then you're on thin ice. You go back on agreements last minute despite all parties knowing how sensitive and important this talk is? Then it's clear to me that this conversation will be similar to that bad behaviour. And I have no problem with just minding my own business and accepting that my Mom is just not that into me and moving on with my life. To me, this chapter is clearly closed. All of this clearly confirms that this is not something I want, I should put energy into and I will get anything positive out of.

I was asked if they could still come to the birthday. I said that they could but I made a clear statement that if they did anything to further the conflict, I would kick them out. I used different words to make it sound a tad more polite obviously. The boyfriend understood and agreed. I told my sister the same. Looking back on that, I'd rather just not have them come. I want to sidestep the risk completely. I don't trust them to be able to behave themselves. I fear they might ruin it. I'm going to let it all rest for a bit and take this up with my sister one of these days, or talk to my aunt and grandmother. They'll not like my decision, but I feel like after I tell them all of this, they'd at least understand. I have a new life now and I will protect my happiness fiercely.  

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I held my own in a conversation with my sister and my Mom's boyfriend. 

Body/health

Bit hungover but I'm fine ? 

Mind/soul

Tad pissed because of the Mom situation. But overall still happy and appreciative of life.

What progress did I make today?

Was kind to myself and loyal to what I find important.

What went well today:

Holding my own in the talks. But it's tiring to keep going around in circles like that.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Maybe cut their shit shorter. It's a wast of my time.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Do some chores. The list is a bit too long right now and it annoys me. There's lots to do and I want to do it. 

Goals:

Get some secondhand retro clothing for an event next weekend. Go to a meeting about improv. Cook food. Do my chores and clean the place up a little bit.

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Day 72

I'm a bit stressed out, to be honest. It's like there aren't enough hours in a day sometimes. My chores keep piling up. And I'm so tired! I told myself to go to sleep early today. But it annoys me that I'm not able to clean any more or prep for my birthday party more. And because of my new hobbies and busy schedule, there's lots of things that I can't do. I really want to go to Krav Maga twice a week. There's improv now too. I think I might be planning a bit too much. Maybe I should plan some chores or something. The stuff I plan, get done usually. 

Anywho! I'm going to try and let all of that go now. I'll see what's truly important, plan ahead and just make the best of it. There's lots to do, being tired won't kill me and I can't increase the hours there are in a day. I'll just have to accept all of that and try to adapt. 

So work was boring. What else is new? After seeing my ex-colleagues at the wedding last weekend, and after the meeting with my job coach, it sparked something in me. Clearly my passions will lead me elsewhere. It's exciting! But it also creates a lot of contrast with what I'm doing nowadays. I'm starting to find it véry hard to care about my work. I just half-ass things sometimes and nobody bats an eye. Easy money, I guess. I'll try and get some stuff done from my chores at work. It'll save time, give me a sense of accomplishment (and a bit of adrenaline and excitement because it's frowned upon) and it spruces up my day a bit.

I called my mechanic. I'll have to drop my car off tomorrow after Krav Maga. My grandma told me she'd help me get home. It's a tad annoying it needs fixing. It throws a wrench in some plans because my mobility is affected. I hope the repairs aren't too expensive.

But it's a great opportunity to see grandma again. I've let the whole Mom/Birthday thing die down a bit. I'm going to call my sister one of these days and ask her what she thinks. But I'll ask grandma for advice. It's her daughter after all. She thinks I should respect Mom more. But when I explain everything to her, you can see she starts to struggle with her beliefs. If a loving woman like herself is caught in turmoil in terms of her own point of view, it means that shit's really hit the fan. I'm going to suggest not letting Mom come after all. After all I've seen and heard, I don't want that energy in my new home. I just hope they'll understand. 

After work, I went to the second-hand clothing store to pick up some fun new duds. My birthday is a theme party so some Old Timey things were in order. The theme is "Monocles and Tiaras". I told people to fill it in how they'd want to. I've heard some outfits being described to me. The pictures are going to be interstellar!

As fate would have it, the improv friend was one block from the store. We've been texting. She'd been doing workshops and teaching and coaching. I am jealous of the fun shit she gets to do. Freelancing is amazing if you have a steady flow of work coming in. It was also a nice excuse to meet up for a bit. We only had about 15 minutes, but it was all I needed. I was unsure about her; I figured she went loco this weekend to compensate for her battle with cancer and het boyfriend dumping her. I saw a smidge of sadness in her eyes, she came across a little insecure but sincere. We both initiate conversations, we crack wise. It's nice. I'm trying not to fall for her, though. I don't want to end up hurt again. But there's something about her I keep wanting to explore. I keep wanting to talk to her. I just want her to smile. I've always had a tiny crush on her. She's not a model, tough. Just average looking. But her personality and her mind? She's so interesting. I would come over waaaay too eager, but I would want to ask her out asap or invite her to my home again or whatever. I'm trying to simmer down a bit. I'm single and this is how I get: tunnel vision. I get a bit anxious because I know that I can easily slip into old bad habits and I don't want any broken hearts or hurt feelings. 

I've been texting with this girl I randomly kissed, she also insulted my hair. Well, I wanted to leave it like that. She kept texting. I guess I'm just curious what she's like when she's not drunk. And to be honest, she doesn't look bad. I could use a bit of a fling. I'm not emotionally invested and I kind of like that. I don't want anything serious. It's kind of nice to know I'd be able to walk away from her whenever it's just no longer fun for me. (Do I sound cold when I say that?)

I guess there's all of this new attention from girls. I missed this. But I also know that this tends to make my head spin ? I'll have to stay mindful

I finished the day with an improv meeting. About making a format and try-outs and stuff. I missed this. I missed the jokes and being funny and making other laugh. I'm going to LOVE getting back on stage. My first gig is in November. I can't wait!

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I ran into another ex on the street. Dang, she looked gooooood. I was able to 'steal' 15 minutes with my improv friend. She's so cute. There might be a little crush brewing.

Body/health

A bit tired. I should go to sleep early tonight.

Mind/soul

Lots of exciting things going through my mind. All positive. And a bit of stress. I try to focus on the former and deal with the latter.

What progress did I make today?

Made dinner. Improv meeting. Let go of chores to go to sleep properly. Arranged car stuff. Talked to coworker about mom and the improv girl. 

What went well today:

Putting my butt to work and making dinner. Shopping for clothes. Waking up despite fatigue. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Do more, dawdle less. Got shit to do, places to be. Shit. But also be mindful of my bad habit of putting too much pressure on myself. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try and make a realistic, proper planning of all the chores and that will destress me. Allow the crush to be what it is and not fret about it. Enjoy it even! 

Goals:

Get some Krav Maga done! Make that chores list at work. Get the car to the mechanic. Talk to grandma about Mom and maybe call the sister.

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 72

"I'm a bit stressed out, to be honest. It's like there aren't enough hours in a day sometimes. My chores keep piling up. And I'm so tired! I told myself to go to sleep early today. But it annoys me that I'm not able to clean any more or prep for my birthday party more."

I had this feeling all summer and finally took a day to do 4 months worth of bills and mail along with cleaning. Trust me, it's gonna suck, but you'll feel better.

"I'm starting to find it véry hard to care about my work. I just half-ass things sometimes and nobody bats an eye."

This happened to me this summer.  Don't make the mistake I did in thinking it was because you made terrible life decisions.  You might need some restoration and peace of mind to allow yourself to refocus.  

"But it's a great opportunity to see grandma again. "

I saw my grandma for my vacation last week. It was the only two days that i didn't play video games.  The days were longer and I remember them better than the times I was playing games.  I really enjoyed it and hopefully you will too.

As fate would have it, the improv friend was one block from the store. We've been texting. She'd been doing workshops and teaching and coaching. I am jealous of the fun shit she gets to do. Freelancing is amazing if you have a steady flow of work coming in. It was also a nice excuse to meet up for a bit. We only had about 15 minutes, but it was all I needed. I was unsure about her; I figured she went loco this weekend to compensate for her battle with cancer and het boyfriend dumping her. I saw a smidge of sadness in her eyes, she came across a little insecure but sincere. We both initiate conversations, we crack wise. It's nice. I'm trying not to fall for her, though. I don't want to end up hurt again. But there's something about her I keep wanting to explore. I keep wanting to talk to her. I just want her to smile. I've always had a tiny crush on her. She's not a model, tough. Just average looking. But her personality and her mind? She's so interesting. I would come over waaaay too eager, but I would want to ask her out asap or invite her to my home again or whatever. I'm trying to simmer down a bit. I'm single and this is how I get: tunnel vision. I get a bit anxious because I know that I can easily slip into old bad habits and I don't want any broken hearts or hurt feelings. 

I guess there's all of this new attention from girls. I missed this. But I also know that this tends to make my head spin ? I'll have to stay mindful

I finished the day with an improv meeting. About making a format and try-outs and stuff. I missed this. I missed the jokes and being funny and making other laugh. I'm going to LOVE getting back on stage. My first gig is in November. I can't wait!

Let me know how improv goes.  I'd love to try doing comedy one day, but I'm afraid of hecklers.  I have a vicious temper and don't want to explode on anyone for being a waste of a life.  I'd insult them in a cutthroat way until I felt like I made them feel like the smallest speck of life this planet had to offer.  I might not be ready yet, haha.  Enjoy the women and just learn from it slowly.  Always a good experience even if it is stressful.

 

 

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20 hours ago, Matt S said:

I had this feeling all summer and finally took a day to do 4 months worth of bills and mail along with cleaning. Trust me, it's gonna suck, but you'll feel better.

I made a little schedule. I accepted I don't have enough time to do everything. And though it sucks, I can't change that. Now I just try to finish the schedule as much as I can. So it's better now ? I tried looking at them as goals and less as chores. Because when I complete one of them, I feel good again. So it's basically a list of stuff to do that'll make me feel good ?

 

20 hours ago, Matt S said:

I really enjoyed it and hopefully you will too.

I did. We had a great conversation and she cooked and gave me some soup to take home with me ^^ bless her.

 

20 hours ago, Matt S said:

Let me know how improv goes.  I'd love to try doing comedy one day, but I'm afraid of hecklers.  I have a vicious temper and don't want to explode on anyone for being a waste of a life.  I'd insult them in a cutthroat way until I felt like I made them feel like the smallest speck of life this planet had to offer.  I might not be ready yet, haha.  Enjoy the women and just learn from it slowly.  Always a good experience even if it is stressful.

I will! I look forward to finally feeling funny again and being in front of a crowd. I have been doing improv for a while, there's always 1 heckler. But you just go with it. I did comedy for about a year and it's not so bad. You learn to deal with it, to be honest. You kind of have to put them in their place to maintain your authority as a performer. If the heckler wins, you lose and you're done. BUT! If you come up with a funny response, you get double points. So it's less of a heckler, and more of a potential bonus level! ?
 

Thanks for that last bit of advice. When it comes to women, I need to take a chill pill. I've literally been texting 6 of them all day. It's insane. But the attention is nice and I don't feel like I'm being somebody I'm not, I'm not sacrificing anything that's valuable to me or anything that I'd see or experience as bad. So right now, I'll just go with the flow. I hope something happens with the improv friend, but if it doesn't, that'd be okay.

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Day 73

Work was boring ? Nothing special happened.

I stuck to my chores today and shit is getting slowly done. Slowly, sure. But bit by bit we'll get there.

I got some help from a colleague, she helped me plan out all of the prepping and cooking for my bday ^^

Krav Maga was nice! Felt relieving. But I kind of hurt my wrist. Two more people asked if I had done something similar in the past already. 

I dropped off my car, hopefully the repairs won't be easy.

There's bugs. I hate bugs. I had a bunch of grapes and bugs started eating them and now they're everywhere! XD They even followed me to work!

I talked to my aunt and my grandma about the whole Mom situation. I shared everything with them and asked for their advice. I told them that I had invited her despite it all but I want to take it back. I don't trust the entire thing at all. There's going to be a messy conflict that ruins the day and I'm not taking any chances. I've worked hard to be where I am and I'm not letting something like social conditioning get in the way of that. I'll talk to my sister soon to ask for her advice. I feel like I should properly explain myself to Mom why I'm revoking the invitation. I'm going to properly show why I don't want them here that day. It'd just be too much and I don't trust them to behave. 

In the end my grandma and aunt were amazed at how well I am nowadays. There were caring and loving and expressed how proud they were and how happy and relieved they were to see me become this capable and balanced person. I felt so loved and happy to hear that. Those two deserve statues. It feels good to be able to love and accept yourself.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

A colleague asked me out. She's no model but she's okay. It's an amazing black tie, luxury event, free fancy food and drinks and a performance by the London Philharmonic in a huge cathedral. Bit of a catch, it's on the day I had planned to go snowboarding. I'll just move the day, I guess. A philharmonic in a cathedral is worth it!

Body/health

My wrist hurts a bit. I'll see tomorrow if it's serious. I should mind how I punch at practice.

Mind/soul

Proud. Happy. Relieved. All good ?

What progress did I make today?

Dealt with my stress and chores. Made a proper planning. Got the car to the mechanic. Went to practice. Talked to grandma and aunt about Mom. Arranged the party more in detail.

What went well today:

Being positive and happy. I was singing all day through the office. And spending time at the office arranging shit, like my chores ?

What I could have done to make my day better:

Stress less about all of these girls. I should just try to have no expectations at all! Just respond and act and not overthink shit ^^

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Let go of the overthinking when I see my improv crush and just have fun and joke around.

Goals:

Survive work. Send letters to the neighbours about party and noise. Do some more chores. Go to improv and let go of everything and just enjoy and make jokes!

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Day 74

So work was boring. What else is new? I did manage to get some stuff done though. I feel like my daily task at work is trying to not do what I'm supposed to go, get away with it and instead attempt to get my chores done or whatever's on my schedule ? Today I made some signs to put on my bathroom. It doesn't lock. So during my birthday party, I'll have to make sure people feel comfortable going to the toilet. So I made a little sign warning them of the lack of a lock and to make sure they knock.

I also made reservations. There's this thing in my country next month. Every year they highlight culinary young talent. I'm talking up and coming chefs who are younger than 35 or something like that. Other young people, those under 30, get to go and eat at their restaurant with a huuuuge discount. It's crazy popular. There's an online queue of about 10,000 people! But I was able to score two reservations for two people! One time with my sister, and the other reservation is kind of blank right now. I'll need a date. My sister can't afford it, my improv crush is a vegatarian and my best friend is a really picky eater... But I'm sure it'll be fine. I have a month to find somebody!

I also got some tickets to something cool. Via a coworker I got tickets to a fancy dinner and drinks in a crazy fancy hotel lounge (all free!) and after that there's a huge performance by some random person and the fucking London Philharmonic. And get this, it's a in a cathedral! It's a rare opportunity to witness something so epic! It's on my birthday, when I had planned to go snowboarding. So the Monday after my party. But it's worth it to move my day off around and go some other time. My best friend is coming. We're going Godfather! Suits and ties, fancy drinks and classical music. The boys on the town!

After work, my coworker showed me some good shops to go and buy good but cheap food. I'll need that for the future. My shakes take up lots of ingredients and my party food required some specific ingredients. I'm grateful she's educating me like this. I also went to a secondhand shop to buy some crappy trophies. I'll hand them out at the party for the two best dressed people ? 

I made dinner, cleaned up a bit, sent some letters to my neighbours about the upcoming party and left for improv.

My crush was there. But so was another new girl. She was waaaay cuter than the crush. And suddenly I realized how relative it all was. The crush makes me smile and makes me feel good and is flirty. But I'm starting to wonder if it's maybe just the attention I like. I deeply care about her wellbeing, sure. I'm just a tad confused. I'm new to this. I used to be super dependant on women to compensate for not loving myself. It's an odd experience to realize I have the option of not flirting. It's like it used to be compulsory. 

We keep texting though. She's a big fan of Japan and she's basically the only one I can think of who could understand the fun that is Gaki No Tsukai. So I invited her to come check it out sometime. I have no idea what'll happen. But if there's a spark, I'm going for it. At the very least it'll be fun and I feel like I have nothing to lose anyway. Part of me is still on the fence, though. I strongly suspect I might be a rebound. And I'm not so sure how I feel about that. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I got into two top restaurant for crazy discount prices.

Body/health

Arm hurts way less today. I look forward to next class ?

Mind/soul

Happy. Productive. The little bugs still annoy me. I'm always off doing something else instead of cleaning. Tomorrow will be the day I tidy up!

What progress did I make today?

Enjoyed Improv. Reservations. Minded my arm and my food. Cooked dinner. Bathrooms signs made. Sent the letters to the neighbours.

What went well today:

Enjoying improv despite being totally rusty. The reservations getting done at work.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I should try to get some more fruit for my blender. I think I'm out right now. I should have a talk with myself again about the whole girls thing. I'm reading about values and what things are good and bad for your soul. Self-respect is pretty high up there and I think chasing after girls might be a tad too superficial to sacrifice this current joy for.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Mind my food a bit more. Try and bite through laziness or lethargy a tad more.

Goals:

Survive work. Enjoy Krav maga. Clean up the place. Mind what I eat. 

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Day 74

Work was odd. It was boring. And quiet. There was a general meeting so lots of coworkers weren't there today. This gave me a bit of leeway in trying to not do anything at all and secretly getting some chores done. I bought some trophees for my party yesterday so today I decorated them. I also had a loooong conversation over Whatsapp with the maid of honor from the wedding I went to. We really clicked to be honest. It was nice. I hope I get to see her soon. I also pranked my colleague. We have a prank war going on ? I covered her desk with post-its. Last time she sowed foam chips on my seat. 

I came home and had some quick food and got ready for Krav Maga. It was brutal. It was intense. I loved it. The warm ups already knocked me out. I was one of two beginners there. The other one dropped out midway. So I was in a room filled with people who knew Krav Maga, trying to hold my own. My inner masochist loved it. I learned how to escape from chokes and how to defend from simple straight punches and how to kick and deliver a good solid punch or two. 

And then the exercises started. Holy shit. I got out my new gloves and armor. One on one you were supposed to hit each other, no rules, but only at 10% of your strength. Fuck me. That 10% went up to 30-50% after the first couple of seconds ? That was intense! And these guys were buff! I loved it!!! Kicking ass and getting my ass kicked. Finishing everything with a respectful nod, implying everybody has control over their aggression. Amazing.

Then I went home, had some food, watched Ultimate Beastmaster and now I'm going to try and tidy some shit up before going to bed.

And there's this cute girl from my Krav Maga classes and she's coming to my party. She's even coming a bit sooner to try my homemade cheesecake! How cool is that? A month ago, there was no Krav Maga, no girl and no idea I could make a proper cheesecake! Heck! A couple of months ago, there wasn't even an apartment. It's crazy how life can suddenly change...

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I was asked at Krav Maga, for the third time since I've started, if I'm sure I haven't fought before. I haven't! Such a cool compliment! I must have some sort of knack for it?

Body/health

It's going to hurt tomorrow. But I'm starting to love that. It implies progress ? 

Mind/soul

Okay. I think next week is going to be véry stressful. But we'll just have to take things as they come. I think I'll sleep great tonight after the training session.

What progress did I make today?

Kicked ass at Krav Maga. Asked the Krav Maga girl to come taste my cake and she said yes. Decorated the trophees. Ate properly. Bought veggies and fruit for my shakes. Cleaned up a bit.

What went well today:

Krav Maga. Conversation with the maid of honor. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

I had less focus because I didn't have my morning shake. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Be more awake at work and try to get through my (personal) mails and check my B-day planning a tad.

Goals:

Survive work. Go pick up grandma's car. Drive myself and niece to cool event and enjoy it carelessly. Don't go home too late. Wake up early enough to get a good start.

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Day 75

Work was slow and unfulfilling. At least I have fun colleagues to chat to. They admitted they also try to get as much out of everything as possible. By that I mean taking things sometimes or printing things. 

I quit earlier and got on a bus to my grandma's, got her car, drove my ass back, changed into my retro outfit and left with my niece. It was fun! Great event! It was themed after the sixties!

I'm glad I went with my niece, we laughed uncontrollably. I could have taken that nymphomaniac friend of mine but that would have turned out ... complicated. We went on rides, ate, drank, laughed, took pictures and had fun.

We went to see a singer perform. Mainstream stuff, balads and pop. A singer/songwriter type dude. But it was gooooood! What a great performer! His voice sounded just the same as on the radio, that's some pure voice there! The bandmembers were in sync. It was overall just a really great performance. But the backing vocalist reminded me of my ex... The height, body shape, singing capability, hair... I could not unsee it! I tried but after a while I told my niece I was going for some air. I just took a walk and ended up at a coffee stand.

Where suddenly a random gay dude starts talking and flirting with me! I was flattered. And he was fun and happy and positive and energetic. So I quickly forgot my troubles and got to know him and his friends. My niece came by to find me. It was just a fun bunch of people. He's really positive and fun. I'll hang out with him sometime. He works for a company that does PR and online marketing. I think I'll have to hang out with him sometime and learn some stuff from him. He told me he could set me up with some nice girls too. He apologized but I told him that I was okay with the flirting. I took it as a compliment. I'm not that insecure about myself and my masculinity that a guy hitting on me would make me feel uncomfortable. If he does something that I don't like or want, I'll just say it or stop him; duh!

Overall, great evening!!! Fun stuff, memories, new people, free drinks and food.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I had a shitty moment and took some time for myself. Had an amazing latte and got to know a new friend ^^

Body/health

The knees hurt a little but my arms are fine. 

Mind/soul

I'm clearly not completely over the ex. But that's okay. 

What progress did I make today?

I listened to myself and took a little walk when I needed some breathing room. Got grandma's car. Got home at a reasonable hour. Tested my retro outfit. 

What went well today:

Having fun with the colleagues. The event in general. Apart from the job itself, it was a good day. I made a shake this morning so my energy was back!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Not eat french fries for lunch. It makes me sloooooow and slouchy.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to get some chores done. That list needs to shrink. And maybe find a way to kill the bugs using a trap of some kind. 

Goals:

Sleep well. Go to the culture event and help advertise our improv group. Flirt with my improv crush. Go home and be productive. Have fun at the party in the bar I frequent but not get wasted.

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