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Everything posted by Peluconus

  1. Hey @fawn_xoxo. You are completely right about planning, I know that scheduling my days is the way to go for now. Actually, in my career (Software Eng.) they teach us that planning is crucial for a project to succeed, and they gave us some advices to do it properly, so I'm going to put those on practise and I'll create a good routine for the remaining days of this semester (few weeks only). If I can stay focused and committed, I'll pass all the 5 subjects I have, and that would make me feel better so I won't need to binge anymore. Let's hope everything goes well in these weeks, I'll do my best. That's a very powerful sentence. I'll remember it the next time I feel anxious or hopeless so I won't stop studying or working hard to reach my goals. Thank you for your words. Keep up the good work.
  2. Holy shit. Seriously, holy shit. It's been months since my last entry. I really wanted to do so many things in this academic year... And I achieved very little. Well, I'm not gonna lie: I relapsed (kinda). Honestly, I came here just to read my journal, but I saw that the last entry was in the journal of @Phoenixking so I went to read it, and saw that he recently started to quit again. It was a strange feeling. I started reading some other journals of people I remember from the summer. And then, like a sign from the skies, I received an email from @Cam Adair saying that we have a 2.0 version of it all. Like, wtf? All the stars lined up, so I felt like "yeah, why not starting again?". So here I am ready to make this year better than every other. But the truth is... I don't feel like videogames are the reason behind my failures. The truth is that I feel like I binge DO everything, from eating to playing to watching series. I just can't stop. And I think this is the biggest problem in me. The second biggest problem is that I need to boycott everything I do, and yesterday I came up with an explanation for that: I'm afraid of failure. I can predict my own failures if I just don't put enough effort on things or make them go bad intentionally (or semi-intentionally). I can't deny videogames might be behind this behavior, because I'm used to win and even to optimize every situation I can. So maybe this habits are hindering me in my way to reach my full potential and my dream life. I guess I need to see a phycologist asap to get more advices to confront those things. In the meantime, I think I'm committing to stop playing video games again. It will be hard, because my roommates and I usually spend time playing together and having beers, but if I tell them that this is becoming a problem again, I think they will understand it. My other friends, on the other hand... I think they will keep asking me to return to games, but I can handle that. Actually like I said before, I think videogames are not the problem because it's been a week since I don't play any game, but a tool to escape real life problems, so even if I quit them, I need to sort out other things in my life. So I decided to commit to stop binge doing bad things like eating junk food and watching series and films or other time consuming activities (for example, the last one was sorting out my music library - I spent 5h straight to go through 500 songs, and that's just less than 10% of the whole thing. I still feel the impulse to finish, but "luckily" the laziness of starting again is stronger). I need to set up a schedule for my everyday life, so I can decide when I'll have free time and plan ahead what will I do in that time, like going to the gym again or watching one or two episodes at most in the same day. The exams and presentations of jobs at uni are very close and I need to focus. Oh yeah, the focus... I lost it completely. I can't focus on anything. Even when I'm playing I feel distracted. My attention span is shorter than ever. My memory is worse every day. I think I need to see a doctor to get some medical tests and see if I have something else to look after. I'm pretty concerned about this. Well, I think I'm not going to write too much here because of the amount of work I've been delaying during the holidays, and after that I will return to my awful routine... I'm thinking about writting a paper journal too, just for me, to vent some shit that I need out of me, even if nobody reads it. It's something, I suppose. This is all for the moment. I'll keep you updated. Thank you if your going to read, follow or comment here. See you soon.
  3. I understand what you want with this, but in my experience, it won't just fade if she says no. I usually overthink everything all the time, so maybe you can get rid of it and continue with your life, but it may hurt. Be careful, and most importantly don't let yourself sink into games if you feel discouraged. The other only advice I could tell you is this: if you're really going to ask her out, do it as if you think she is going to say yes. Don't accept the defeat until she has declined your offer. But don't misunderstand me, if she says no, then it's no, there's no need to insist and make things weird. Just go with the right mentality. If you ask her out thinking that you will be rejected, she might notice it and actually reject you, but if you show up and talk with confidence, your chances will be higher. We are here to support each other. It's your life mate, I don't need an apology, I just tried to show you a different view, but the decision is yours and, at least me, I will support it, no matter what it is. You are strong, just find the strength inside you.
  4. I can relate to this as if it was me who wrote it. So I 100% support your decision, I even find it beneficial for yourself. I used to talk about my relationship with my mother with my psychologist and she told me that it wasn't good to make such a great effort if my mother wouldn't even care to worry about the problem and admit she was wrong and was partly to blame too. I know I am not perfect, but c'mon at least I'm trying to improve, she wasn't even trying. And I'm not willing to bear all the guilt just because she is too immature to accept it. My psychologist suggested me to keep my communication with her as calm as possible and just tell her to talk later if things started to get tense. I had to talk to her for many reasons, but I see you don't have to because you sustain yourself, so I agree with you on this: You have gone through a lot of things in the last weeks and you have been strong enough to not fall into the addiction again. You can allow yourself to be happy for it, it's a good achievement. Life will bring good and bad moments, knowing how to properly deal with them is the key to self-improvement and self-maintenance. I'm happy for your achievements, keep up the good work. You got this!
  5. Hey @Deku, I went through a hard time when I tried to have a relationship with a girl while I was addicted. It didn't went good. Damage were done in both ways. I don't know if I should say we were "lucky" because we had just started to date when we parted ways, but we both were excited in the beginning. What I want to say is that you have to be in a good mood to start and mantain a relationship. Actually both persons have. So if you are still struggling with something as big as games addiction (OR whatever makes you struggle, it doesn't has to be just the addiction), I would suggest to wait until you feel like it's not such a big deal anymore. If you can't keep your feelings inside you, be sincere with the girl and tell her what you feel and why you can't be in a relationship right now. That could help too. You wrote that a girl asked you out the other day. That means you are attractive. So don't worry about other chances, they will come someday and you will be prepared for it. Hope this helps.
  6. Day 59 (I think) This is the moment when I regret taking the decision of not writting every day. I don't know which day it is. I've counted them in the calendar having in mind that day 1 was the 7th of July, so if I did the counting right, this should be day 59. I hope it actually is. Probably the last entries are wrong. But well, who cares anyway? I haven't relapsed in almost 60 days and I'm not planning on doing it in at least two more weeks. I am finally free. My father helped me with the move yesterday, and now I live in a city different from theirs. I have to do two exams in the following weeks, and after that I'll have like 1 week and a half before the new academic year starts. Even for that week I'll be busy with other matters that I've been delaying because of the exams, so I wouldn't call that holidays... I guess it's better than nothing. My roommates and I have found some trouble with our new flat. We have to talk with our householder about them, but we don't know her too much so we don't know what her reaction will be. I hope we can discuss and fix everything as soon as possible. We also have to make other things here, like getting internet connection and set up a cleaning schedule. Anyway, our relationship seems to be good for now. It can't be worse than last year, neither for me nor for them - at least one of them, I was in his flat and oh my god, that was terrible in many ways. Both of them are studying this weeks too, and somehow that helps me focus more than usual. This always happens to me, I can focus better when the people arround me are studying too. I hope I can study enough to pass my two tests, that would be amazing and it would help me recover some self-esteem. I have almost all my things sorted here. The last year I didn't even cared about putting my things in their places, I just picked what I needed from the boxes or the bags, and never used the furnitures. That made a very bad impact in my life, so this year I want to keep my room tidy and as clean as possible. Hopefully this will have a good impact and improve my general mood. Even now that I'm far from my parents and living on my own, I haven't felt any urges to play or watch gameplays. This is the typical situation when I would just screw it all up and play the whole time for some kind of "revenge" against my parents, but now I feel like the best thing I could do is finish my career and start earning money to be as far as possible from them, and this means that in the near future I need to pass these exams. I need to study to achieve my goal. Add the fear of failing to that. Those two things combined are enough to make me run from anything related to videogames. It's like, I have so much to gain and so much to lose, that it's just not worth it. Tomorrow I have things to do, I'll be busy and that will keep me away from gaming too. I feel happy overall. The more happy and confident I feel, the easier becomes to be strong and put videogames far away. I never thought the spiral could go upwards instead of downwards. It's amazing.
  7. @Phoenixking Thank you, this means a lot to me. The old me only wanted to play videogames for hours whenever my parents made me anxious, and now I'm starting to manage these situations without needing that. I think this is my best achievement, and even if I haven't reached my peak yet, I know that I'm on my way. We can do this.
  8. Day 52 It's been a while, huh? Well, here I am, not playing at all after 52 days straight. I had many opportunities to do it, but never did. I can finally say that gaming is out of my routine, I don't see it as an obligation or the only thing I can do to relieve stress. I don't want to go back to gaming right now, and if I can, I won't do it. My life is not the best right now but the least I can do is recognize the benefits of quitting. If I'm not completely back in track is just because I am a mess myself. But I'm definitely going to change that from this Saturday. Yes, this Saturday is day 1, but that's not the reason. I'm moving to my rented flat that day, and I'll be finally away from my parents for a longer time. I'll be free to sort my things on my own, take my own decisions, live my mother f*cking life as I want. Oh my, I really need to leave this city... This days haven't been the best of my detox. I haven't seized all the days as much as I wanted, and I have spent too much time watching shows and movies. Once I move, I will take action and I will control my time to orginze myself better. It will be easier, because I won't have to stop or cancel my schedule because of my parents anymore. I need to pass those tests so please, inner me, don't screw this up! One night I was out with two of my friends, the ones that are more linked to videogames, and they were talking about a streaming of some new game. Their intention was to reproduce the streaming on one of their smartphones, in the middle of the street. In that moment, I realized that I'm not as interested as before, and somehow I felt good. I just focused on myself and my smartphone and they watched it for like 5 minutes, but then we moved so they stopped it and never played it again. I didn't want to look at all. It was strange for me, but in a good way, and I'm happy for this. My mother is putting me under high pressure lately. I can't explain with words how much I would like to not see her ever again. I'm angry, but most of all, I'm disappointed. She's a hypocrite, and claims to be very talented at psychology but always fails to understand how others feel when she talks or acts like she does. And it's just useless to make her understand, she won't rectify at all. Geez. I don't know who's to blame, but I don't care. The only thing I know is that we can't be together without arguing. My father is not a piece of cake either. He is mostly annoying because he is used to live alone, and wants everything done his way. I feel judged every time that I'm in his visual range. He can criticize every single act that I do, every decision that I take, every word I say. We usually don't argue, but this is exhausting. I just want to live without this feeling. And he needs my complete attention full time, or he tells me I'm egoist, ungrateful, or something in that line. C'mon, leave me alone for some time! I guess the main reason I'm writing here is because I needed to put this pressure I feel in words and free myself a little bit. Even with all of this, I haven't played or watched gameplays at all in this 52 days. It's good to know I can take some time and distance from something that was my whole life literally, from waking up to going to bed. I've been close to relapse, but managed to dodge it. I've taken other good habits, like the ones related with my health and working out, and that's very good too. All in all, I'm happy. And I have the power to keep improving. See you soon.
  9. Hey @Some Yahoo, I think I've read enough about nihilism to tell you what it actually is about. There's some widespread lies about nihilism and I can understand the reasons, it's a dangerous path and many people can't make it through the first few steps. What you say is just not true. But I don't say you are a liar, I understand that some ideas don't really sink into the people the first time. So let's talk about it. Nihilism's main point is that nothing in the world has inherent value or meaning. What does this mean? Well, it means that religion, social conventions, etc. are not as meaningful as others want to make us believe. But this is only the first step. Many meme pages and misinformed people decide to stop here because it's more useful this way, or just don't follow their own beliefs. The second step is to understand that we are free to give everything the value we think they deserve. It's just pointless to strip away the value and leave the world empty, what would be the reason to live then? Every person has to live according to their own values, not according to some values of thing that we maybe don't want to follow. This is the reason why many people say that nihilism is similar to atheism, because usually nihilist people don't give religion any value at all. But we go even further, because we understand that some people want to give religion their own value and that is as respectable as any other thing, as long as they don't try to force other's values. A person that wants to be nihilist must be very aware of what is going on in his life to choose correctly. Values might need to change over time, because life is dynamic, priorities change. It needs balance and revision. But it's possible to live a good life and be optimistic about things while being nihilist. I hope I've been clear enough, but if you have any doubts, I'll be glad to help.
  10. Hey dude, I see you are making progress lately on the social side, and that's pretty good. People and other resources usually tell us how to start the relationships or the conversations with others, but there is always some lack of advice on how to keep that relationship once it is born. I see you are now struggling with that phase, so I'll try to help you. Have in mind that I don't know all the context of your relationship and maybe some of this advices are outdated for you, just take the ones that you think can actually help you. So you have made contact with other people and you seem to get along with them. This is the early phase of a potential friendship. But don't run too fast: the social convention tends to dislike when someone goes faster than usual because it means you lack something that you want to get as soon as possible to fit in the norm, and that thing in this case are friends. Don't worry, even if it takes some time to grow an actual friendship, the outcome is worth the wait and effort. Now that I have spoken about what NOT to do, let's speak about what to do. Let's say you met one person or a small group of people for the first time, you talked to them for the first time and there was a good atmosphere. You want to be their friend. The first thing you want to know after the initial convo is what do you have in common with them: hobbies, shows that you like, films, books, whatever. This will set up a good bunch of subjects you can draw when you want to talk to them again, so you won't fall into an uncomfortable silence. Once you have talked to them like three or four times and you feel like they are happy to talk to you and/or you have enough things in common to maintain a good conversation (it can include many subjects or it can be long enough), it may be the time to actually meet and hang out. The first think you need is a way to meet with them, most likely, their number. If they seem like they won't give them to you, you can take the first step and give yours to them. If the phone is not an option, you can try with social media like Facebook, Twitter, etc. Afterwards, you have to set up the meeting. Maybe a pub and have a beer or a soda, whatever you and the other person want to drink. Or maybe a walk over the city. Something than can give you the opportunity to talk about one of those subjects you previously figured out. Once you feel confident enough, you can try to know something about them or their lives, and you can open yourself too, maybe an anecdote. Talking about your lives and memories will tighten the bound and create a confidence atmosphere. Remember to be calm about this: if you rush, they will take it as a weird behavior and may back down a little. Once you have successfully completed the first meeting, you are ready to try and set up the next one. The more you can meet with someone, the more your bound and your friendship will strengthen. Remember to keep in touch with the people that you are more comfortable with from time to time if you can't meet many times. Some side notes: - Try to look confident when you talk to others. But don't get me wrong, being confident doesn't mean you have to be an overproud dickhead or dishonest. If you overact, they will notice and take it as weird. You have to act like you are doing all of this because it's just natural, so be calm. - If they refuse to meet with you twice in a row, don't force them anymore. It will result annoying and it may break the relationship. Twice is my personal preference, you can choose your own limit, but this has worked fine for me. - Not all the people are good people. I know we aren't supposed to judge and all that rainbow shit, but be aware and alert for toxic behavior, and try to stay away from that kind of people. - Even if you have bad luck and your first attempts turn out bad, don't give up. There will come worthy people at some point. - This is an advice I took from a good friend: Not all the friends you make will give you the same treatment. You have to understand that everyone is unique, so their behavior will be different. Never ever expect something from someone. You have to learn what every single person can give you and what are you willing to give to that person in return. - Friendship is not static: it may change overnight. It only needs one word in a concrete moment and place to change everything, for worse or for better. Therefore, the previous note has to be in constant examination. And I think this is all I can tell you. I hope it helps you somehow. Again, I don't know all the details, so I don't know if all of this information is outdated to you. If you think it is useless, just tell me and I'll delete it. Be strong and keep up the good work mate, you can do this ?
  11. Hey @TheCrystalLake, That is something very important to be aware of. At least for me, even if I don't have urges to play or even don't think about gaming for some days straight, there are always situations and triggers that make my foundations tremble. As addicts, I think it's very important to accept what we are and live with it. Never think you have overcome the problem, on the contrary, always have in mind what have you been through, why you decided to quit, what defines you now; all of this will help you stay strong against the urges and the low moments. On the other hand, I think @Phoenixking's answer was just spot on, and I relate to every single word: It may take time, but once you start enjoying the real things that the real life can offer, videogames sound like cheap imitations, quick and not very durable patches that keep you asleep and away from the real, durable, tangible happiness.
  12. Day 44 Two days ago I came here to write about the bad day. I wanted to come today, to write about an average day. Nothing special, I didn't even went out tonight. The most average day of my summer. But I am totally happy with this. I made it. A great, balanced day. I woke up and had breakfast. Then I studied and it was very productive. I had lunch and took a very short nap (15 min). Then I watched some Netflix show, and made some chores. I had dinner and went to the gym (it's a 24h gym). I returned home after a good session and a good shower, and I'm now laying on my bed. It feels very good to finish an average day without any urges to play. This means I am making progress! And it means I can have good, standard days without feeling like I need more action. I enjoyed the calm and focused on what I was doing. I felt like this had to be written here, too. My future me might find this useful somehow. Not every day can be bad, and not every day can be outstanding. Be aware of that and find joy in the everyday things.
  13. Hey! This is something that happened to me too. I am very lazy and subconsciously I always try to not leave the house. But it is all in the point of view. For example, I remember when I was playing hard, I wouldn't even leave the house for more than 5 minutes per day, and I wouldn't even had left at all but I lived alone and had to buy food. One of the first steps that helped me quitting games and being more prone to not cancel or abandon things was acquiring the habit of going out the house for at least 1h30min every day. I would just walk around the city with my headphones or go somewhere to do something I needed. Just stay out and enjoy the sunlight. The second thing that helps too is having a friend that goes to the same activity you want to attend, so you would push each other to go. You are more likely to go if you share that activity with someone you can talk to about it, share opinions and make progress together. You won't feel alone in the process. If you manage to go for some time, and taking for granted that you don't play games at all, adding a new activity to your routine will be easier the more you make it. All that empty time you have now will be filled with it, so you will even want to go because you are doing something that keeps your mind busy, and your mind likes that more than being bored. This is all I can tell you, all based on my experience. I hope this helps you.
  14. Day 42 Today was a bad day. My father is in some friend's house for the weekend, so today I was alone. Every time I am left alone, I just can't control my impulses. I eat a lot more than I should, do not progress in studying, do not care about my health... It's like I need to let myself do things wrong in purpose, like some way of escaping from... something. I don't know how to explain it. This is becoming a very bad habit and, now that I am cleaning myself, it has to end, but I seem to be unable to do it. At least I did not play or watch. What I actually did was binge watching Netflix while eating shit, and it took away too much time. I went out with my friends, so that's something I guess. I'm writing here today because I wanted to write this day, so maybe the next time I am left alone I can come here and read it, and make me realize how bad it feels to do things wrong on purpose. I need to find the root of this, but in the meantime, this post may be useful to prevent it. I also noticed that urges come stronger (not as strong as the other day, but a bit more than usual) when I am in this spiral of wrongness, which means I should prepare myself for being alone. Being aware of things and planning are great tools that I need to use in this occasions. In the middle of all the self-destruction, I took the chance of being alone to clear my mind a bit from the thing I wrote in the spoiler. That's probably the only positive thing I did on my own today, but well, it helped. Not everyday can be perfect, and that's something I need to be aware of, too.
  15. Day 41 I'm still alive, and still haven't played or watched gameplays. It was easy during last week because of the festival, but this week has been more difficult than all the other days combined. Last week Last week I was a that festival, like I said. It was a blast. I got a pick from Kamelot's bassist! It's amazing. I had a great time there seeing some bands that I love and some that I didn't know about but I liked too. It was good to relax myself from stress. I'm still tired even though I returned last Sunday because sleeping was difficult in the camping with so many noisy people, and I had to run to get a good place to see the bands, but this tiredness feels good anyway. However... (ATTENTION: Incoming long, emotional, mildly drama-filled post) If you are interested in heavy metal or want to know something about the fest, I'll be more than happy to answer you, but right now I think the other things that happened there are not of any interest for the sake of the journal. This week This has been a tough week. My main computer is dead now, the problem is in the hard drive. I tried to format it in many ways but none worked, so I'm buying a new one. This situation adds to the situation I described before, so my anxiety is growing very strong. I had some cravings the day before yesterday for the first time because of this. I really need to face that sh*t and come up with a solution asap, because it only needs a couple of things to mess everything up. The computer has a simple solution, which is buying a new hard drive, but there will come a moment when other serious things will come and I need to be ready to face them, and right now I don't feel strong enough to face anything. At least I could study today, because I have a laptop too, which fills the place of the main pc while the HDD arrives. I still go out with friends at night and I haven't been drowning my sorrow in alcohol (like I sometimes did before) so I would say that, even though it's been tough, it's been bearable. I've been feeling dizzy and sleepy lately, probably because of the lack of sleep and high physical effort during the festival. If this carries on, I'll go to the doctor because I'm a bit concerned. I'm also concerned because I let down a friend of mine yesterday. I was in a middle of a mental breakdown while writting this, and I had an appointment with her to take a look at her laptop and try to fix it but I was just so emotionally bad that I just declined in the last moment... This feels incredibly bad because she always supports me and this was the right moment to make up for that. I don't want to beat myself about this too much because I really wasn't available to make anything, but I disappointed her and that's sad. I hope I can help her in the future when she returns from the travel or at least I hope we can still be friends. And that is all that happened in this time. I'll be posting soon again if I find the time and something worthy to be added to the journal. Be good and keep up the good work, it really makes a difference.
  16. Hey @DRCC. First, I want to say that I wrote this the first day I started here, and my mind has changed a lot since that. For example, some people that successfully quit games for 90 days straight usually don't find the same emotions when they try to play again, so they just don't want to play anymore. I understood that there are different approaches to this matter, and not everyone wants to return (like I thought when I posted this). When I quitted the first time, I found myself in a very good situation overall. My parents were very comprehensive, I had only 1 or 2 subjects at university, I found a lot of new friends... This context gave me the willpower that I needed to keep games at bay and be in control. But it was just that, the context. For some months I had everything I needed to carry on, so it was easy. When things started to crumble, I relapsed and the spiral started. What I really learnt in this forum is that the goal is not quitting games for 90 days and "see what happens". The goal is reaching the version of yourself that you want to be. And that version is not gaming for 10 hours or more every day, maybe it's not playing at all. The point of the 90 days thing is that it is the average time someone need to realize games are making a bad impact, and you have all those days to figure out that version of yourself that you want to achieve. I still don't know what will I do about videogames after doing the tests in September, maybe I'll try to play responsibly or maybe I will just stay away from it or maybe I will only play if I'm not alone... Anyway I will decide it when the time comes. Because if I decide now, I will feel bad with any decision. I have other things to focus on.
  17. Day 30 So this is it, 30 days without gaming or watching gameplays. This kinda reminds me of the first time I seriously quitted. For now, I don't feel any urges to play. I miss it as if it was an abandoned hobby. I know that I can't let myself play or I will screw up all the work I have done during the summer, so I just simply won't play. It's easier once you find a solid, tangible reason: No playing means passing tests and getting better marks, and that's the most important thing for me right now. Watching gameplays is just unmanageable. One video could make me lose not only the opportunity of passing tests on September, it would also make me lose everything about my health, relationships... Basically, I would lose myself again. I know it. So again, I won't let myself do it, because I would lose so much. The studies are keeping me busy enough to keep boredom away, and the gym gives me a strong impulse of good feelings every time, even if I go alone. I relax watching anime or Netflix shows, and I have set a rule to keep me safe from binge watching: Only 1 episode if it's +40 minutes long or 2 episodes if they are 20-30 minutes long. So far, this rule is doing its job. Tomorrow I'll wake up very early because I'm leaving for a metal festival that will last until Sunday. There are a few bands that will sign autographs, they'll be there so we can talk to them a few phrases and take pictures with them. I'm looking forward to do it. This edition won't be as intense as the previous ones for me, because there aren't many bands that I want to see this time, but there are enough to make me excited about it. Last Thursday I moved to my father's place. He loves to keep me busy as long as he can, which is good and bad at the same time. I stay away from games and my mind is occupied, but I'm also away from studying and hanging out because there always is something to do. I tried many times to make him understand this but he is just unwilling to listen. Anyway I'm leaving for a whole week tomorrow, and the 1st of September I will leave again for the rest of the course because university, so I think I can stand this weeks with him. So far it's been much better than the month with my mother. My problem with eating too much is decreasing as well. My mother is a bit obsessed with having food in the fridge, but my father buys the food the day before, so he controls everything. I can't sneak and break into the fridge because he will notice. And there isn't anything in the fridge that I can eat between hours. I'm forced to eat properly, which is good. The next entry will probably be some days after the fest. It's impossible for me to play there, so there's almost no point in writing just when I return. I'll let some more days pass after that to see if I can stay strong after that. Be good and keep up the good work. See you next week.
  18. Dude, I can definitely relate to this. I remember how my ex used to appear in my dreams sometimes, more usually the first months. I woke up every time feeling like shit. If the dream was good, it felt like I betrayed her for letting her go and not doing enough. If it was bad, it felt like I was betraying my memories of her. The thought she had put on me was that I didn't love her enough and all the blame was on me. And for a long time, I believed it. Even in my dreams. I couldn't escape from her. But hey. We all have demons inside our minds. It's human nature. Some of them take familiar faces and shapes to deceive us and make us bend the knee. We have to be strong enough to keep them in a controlled zone. Remember, their goal is to take control over you. Don't let them even try. It's a matter of patience and training your feelings. Saying that it's possible to kill the demons is a bit unrealistic if you are just starting, but you should at least be able to make them small and weak. I know you are strong enough to make this. You will overcome anyone or anything that tries to manipulate you again. Remember, patience and training. Some time ago, I watched a show called "Samurai Gourmet". Episodes of 20min, the story is about a retired man that goes to different restaurants everyday. Sometimes he has visions blah, blah samurais blah, blah but the core idea is that every episode shows a bit of their gastronomic culture. It's very relaxing and even educational to see it. It's on Netflix, if you have an account.
  19. Hey Matt! Meditation seems to have had a huge impact on you, and that's great. Keep on doing it if it releases your mind. I see you were struggling with taking too much at a time. If you are still struggling, this might help you. When I stopped gaming for the first time, my life was a complete chaos. I almost dropped college, my health was dancing on a string, I was alone, I had no other hobbies... But I decided to set up my priorities. I needed to improve my health habits, so I focused on that first. After two or three days, I decided that I needed to go to college and attend the classes, so I forced myself to go for the rest of the month. The first times it was a true test of will power, but every day was a little less hard. And then, when I didn't even had to think about going, I added more improvement. What I'm trying to say is that prioritizing your needs is a huge help in this case when you want to improve everything. Just choose what do you want to focus on, keep doing it until you feel like it doesn't require too much effort, and then add the next thing on the list. This technique will have multiple benefits: you will feel a sense of growth, because every time you master one more good habit, you will feel great about it, like acquiring a new skill; you won't feel overwhelmed by having to be perfect at everything since day one, you can have all the time you need to master that skill and get used to it, and then choose the next; the list acts like a reminder of your progress and makes you aware of your needs; and the first things that you will start to care about are the most urgent or important, so they will make a big difference once they are solved. I hope this helps you in some way. I don't know if you already had this in mind, if that is the case, sorry for bursting here with useless info?
  20. Day 25.5 It's been a few days since the last entry. I have not relapsed. Everything is going... Well, let's just say that they are going. I spoke to the man of the band. He taught me a bit of their songs and general hints of their playstyle. I'm not sure if I will be able to be a part of that band. I don't feel like we have a good chemistry between us, it's a weird and tense atmosphere. We will meet in september with the rest of the band. For now, I can only keep practising the songs in my free time to do my best acting in the rehearsal. I have been making little progresses each day in my studies. I should be more consistent and more productive but I just can't focus. The situation in my house is killing me. I just can't stand my mother and the way she is. It doesn't matter how many times or the way I tell her, she is the same woman everytime and I can't have a close relationship with someone like her. The most important thing for me now is to find a job, so I can just cut all bounds with her and live my f* life on my own. Luckily, tomorrow I'll leave this house to live with my father for the rest of the summer. He isn't the best roommate, but at least I can have a good conversation with him and we get along good enough. I hope I can be more productive with him. Actually, I need to be more productive. The next week I'll go with some friends to a metal festival. We'll leave the city on Tuesday and return on Sunday. Almost one full week out. I am very excited because there are some bands that I love, but I am also afraid because it's one week that I can't study and I may be short on time. Anyway, after the festival is over, I'll make an extra effort and will study all the time possible to make it on time. I also have to decide if I'll miss some parts of the subjects in order to be able to study the most important things. I'm still going to the gym following the pattern 2 days going - 1 of rest. The important thing of going to the gym is that I am moving my body and going out of my house. I have a good time there, even if my muscles are more tired than usual. But this is a great feeling. No more things to say. I think that gaming was just a patch for other issues, like anxiety and stress. The good thing is that I am facing those situations now instead of hiding in gaming and even if it is exhausting, is a proof that I am maturing. Now I only have to get used to this life, away from games and into personal development. I won't be writing everyday anymore. I'll write every once in a while to update my situation, and I will of course offer my support to everyone that needs it and I'll be active in the forums. But the journal is not a priority for me now. Like I said in a previous post, writting the journal requieres a long time for me because of translating my thoughts, choosing the words, thinking about what I want to say, etc. I will be completely sincere if I ever relapse. I'm not hidding from you, I just feel like I don't need the journal anymore. I will continue reading the other journals, answering questions or taking part in debates. See you guys. Be good and find strenght to keep on fighting and developing.
  21. I was seeing a phycologist some years ago for approximately a year, once every week and then once every two weeks. She helped me think deeper in what the addiction meant in terms of what I was loosing, how to detect the reasons I wanted to play, methods to calm myself instead of playing videogames, etc. The thing is, I was already seeing her before detecting the addiction. When she told me how videogames were my problem, I had no idea about what to do, and she put me on the good way right there. I can definitely say that it helps if you are lost or lacking knowledge. Your case might be that you already are on your way to quit, so you don't really need that kind of help. Besides, I don't know how good can be having online sessions instead of real life meetings. Or maybe it's just your therapist, or your relationship with him/her. If you really feel like you need a professional, try to find one that you can meet and talk to in person. It's more relaxing and makes you feel more safe, and he/she can judge your gestures and help you say what you have inside or guide the conversation better.
  22. @Blazing Man Dude, are you even reading the whole posts before answering? You seem to be cherry picking some lines and putting them out of context, maybe trying to justify your belief that games are not bad. If you just wanted to know if they are bad or not, you could have started asking that in the first place. So you go by the fact that some people play videogames and are still productive. But that is not the point. We are here because we detected a problem with our lives, not theirs. And that problem is videogames. They have taken control over our lives in one or another way and we decided to quit. I didn't quit because games were bad in general, I quitted because they were bad for ME. I would even dare to say that everyone or almost everyone here that quitted did it for the same reason. You say we all mature through life. Well, again, I disagree, because we all know that there are evident exceptions. But leaving exceptions aside, this stages of maturity are still different from one person to another. In general terms well, yes, we go through a number of phases with some characteristics, but not all of them or this characteristics will be present in everyone. So it's not true that we are all the same and react equally to a given stimulus like videogames. Besides that, it's not only the maturity level what influence the gaming addiction. Like I said, there are other factors that feed the fire. I hope I have set my point clearly enough this time. I love debating btw, sorry if I'm sometimes too rude!
  23. Yeah, well... I disagree. But don't get me wrong. There are a lot of things that interfere in how we develop our minds: family, genetics, environment, culture, friends, etc. These things interfere in our behavior and the way we respond to stimuli. No two people are exactly alike. Therefore, in my honest opinion, you should never compare this kind of topics between persons. Like I said before: This means that there aren't good or bad videogames, in the sense of being bad because they are harmful. They have bad impacts in some peoples lives but that can't imply that they are evil. From my point of view, it's a mixture between what the games offer us (that can be addictive), and the way we react to the stimuli we receive from games. Two dudes playing the same game won't react the same to it, and exposing them to the same number of hours can result in one becoming addicted and the other not. Quitting games is something that has to be done willingly. You have to be the one that notices the problem and the one that wants to fix it. Hearing from someone that gaming is inherently bad or being forced to quit without being aware of the bad impact that it's having on you, will result in relapses. So don't care about the others - identify the goals you want to achieve and the way you want to reach them, and how is gaming or other habits hindering you.
  24. I don't think the problem is that playing one or another kind of games is harmful by itself. The point in quitting games is that we don't want to replace other things in life with gaming, so we put that aside. Of course we can say it's addictive for many reasons, but our context and sometimes our biology is what make us prisoners, because games offer this things that we lack. Anything can become your new addiction as long as it prevents you from reaching your real goals and proves to be hard to quit. So we shouldn't really separate games by their topics or kind. We have to be aware of what is hurting us and making us fail. Trying to find legal vacuums to feed your cravings won't make you reach the life you want to live. The same goes for overthinking and serching for the "easy and flawless solution with no effort 100% assured results" - it doesn't exist. Work hard toward the life you want. Quitting games is the first step but not the only one. Arcade games by themselves: they are highly competitive, so they can be very addictive. It's like playing a competitive game but your opponent can be yourself or other people's scores online. For example, I am very competitive, so I would try to be the best and get the maximum score. I could spend hours, days, weeks trying to improve my score, even if I'm playing offline I would try to be better than myself again and again. And this is the same effect as any other game: lots of hours in front of the screen, mindlessly playing, ignoring real life responsibilities and social connection.
  25. Day 21 Not in the mood for writting actually, I feel a bit stupid. The guy I was supposed to meet today didn't appear. It's not the fact that he didn't appear or even cared to write me. It's the fact that I'm still too naive and was excited, just to see how it failed. Like every time I create expectations about something. It just crashes. The rest of the day was ok. At least I practiced with my bass for some hours, which is not a total waste of time. I've set another meeting for monday. It better work this time. My stomach feels like shit. I should eat something more smooth tomorrow. My mother has an unbearable pain in her dorsal muscles and I'm worried about her. She has an appointment with the doctor for monday. Let's hope it's something that can be cured. No gaming or gameplays watched.