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TheCrystalLake

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About TheCrystalLake

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  1. First welcome to the forums. It can be liberating being finally able to talk about the things that you are dealing with. We all are here for the same reason as you, we want to change our life to the better. Have you ever considered searching professional help for your depression? If you are suicidal you need to open up to somebody in real life who can help you. If you dont want to tell friends or family a professional would be good. I have been dealing myself with depression ect since i was 13, so i know how bad things can actually get. It could help you writing a journal here and starting the 90 days detox. This way you can look if and how your life changes to the better if you stop gaming. Its what helped me cause me too didnt want to stop all gaming. So i told myself, after the 90 days you can play again. 90 days can change your whole life. You are still so young. I know this sounds like typical grown up talk. But even if you dont see it now.. there is so much possibility before you you should not waste in front of a screen. You will never get back those years where you are able to decide so many things. Again. If you really feel suicidal please seek help. You are not alone.
  2. I had a lot of withdrawl symptoms without first even knowing it were some... when i stopped from one day to the other i could not concentrate for about 3 weeks anymore. I forgot things i wanted to say 2 seconds ago, i became poor at spelling .. Additionally i was suffering from really bad insomnia for nearly a year. I was constantly nervous. I even fell back into selfharming behaviour again for a while. My depression and anxiety got worse. Slowly but constantly this all changed. I think the symptoms depend on various things. Some people may not even get them. But i think when you have been a really heavy compulsive gamer like i have been its normal cause the brain is simply not the same anymore and seeke the constant "high" just like with other drugs.
  3. "You are not strong enough to withstand the storm" the devil whispered into my ear. Today i replied " Iam the storm" 374 days without gaming. Wow. when i think about that it sounds weird. But it feels good. Every day there are moments where i tell myself... you would not do this or that if you still would be a gaming zombie. You would not study a language, you would not go to the gym, you would not express creativity... And even though. Its. still.so.hard. Idk why... but the cravings dont go away. No matter what i do or with whom iam... there are those moments out of the blue where i think... omg... i so would want to relax with a game now... THE game... and drown. My goal has been the one year. First it was 3 months, then i extended it and so on. Now i dont have a real goal. You would think after such a long time life should be stable enough to not have cravings anymore. Its very weird. I would never want to go back to this time when i was still gaming. Yet i miss exactly this time despite the fact, that it did nothing for me, just stealing my life, my time, my friends, my shape, my hope. I hope that some day i will just grow out of this....
  4. I quit gaming cause it took my life away. My time, my friends, my possibilities for creating a life with a partner in my 30s. At one point it was the decision between ruining everything and comitting suicide one day or saving myself from myself. Sounds drastic but thats how it was. I would never want to go back to this time cause last year was one of the hardest years of my life. 374 days without gaming
  5. I have read a bit in your journal and i think the progress you made since starting here is great! You have goals and you know what you want to achieve. And i think its realllyyy good you do drawing. For me when i stopped gaming i started to write again which i literally stopped 10 years ago (not because of gaming) cause it was at least something i could drown in. And creating something instead of consuming is always good 🙂 I found this link you shared to that nosurf article very interesting. I can relate to many things there, and i have noticed it myself while writing. Many times i cant focus longer than lets say 20 minutes, then i need to check on insta or facebook. Right now as iam writing this i see how horrible this is lol -_- Maybe im gonna read that book too mentioned there. What you wrote about your gaming friends i can also relate at least 80%. I have lost contact to many people from my old clans who i had very deep conversations with. To others iam still connected via FB or whatsapp. But many of them could not understand i really have a problem with gaming, so at one point i got tired talking about that. What is a problem to me is that even talking with those people about other things, rl things, is triggering me to game. Cause its people i got to know through gaming and spent to 19 hrs a day with in my worst times. So somehow you can be lucky you dont have them in your life anymore.... idk how its about triggers or maybe i overread it, so pardon me. Keep up the good spirit 🙂
  6. Welcome to this community of lovely people. I think what you need is a cut. Since mobile gaming seems to be very much of a problem delete all games from the phone. Since you came here for a reason, many of us have started and fullfilled the 90 days detox and it changes your mind completly. For some people doing this is easier than for others, i think it depends on if you got someone having your back or not. So you have a little family, and thats even more of a reason to stop. Cause a father or husband whos constantly psychologically absent is the same as being physical absent and may harm your child when it gets older. And when you say you feel like you have not accomplished things. Thats not true. Cause in fact you made this exam even with your addiction plus you have your family. Thats more of value than money could ever be. I know... there is this thought of how life could be without having wasted so much time on games. But this thought does not help. If you stop now at least the rest of your life wont be wasted. I wish you the best of luck and strenght.
  7. Yea maybe thats the reason. My brain is totally hooked on dopamin and there are times where i think soooo much about gaming that i can feel my synapses to shake lol... But idk... i miss of having something to absolutly drown into and not doing anything. Gaming always had very much of a relief for me. Sit down and starting to play was like breathing out all of the bad feelings i had and just deeeeeeply relax. Idk.. i wasnt able to find this feeling in anything else until now. Not meditation, not writing, not alcohol, not other drugs (kids look away pls, drugs are not good for you) so yea iam kinda lost and hope i can withstand the urge to play 😉 Thanks for your kind words 🙂 Oh a fellow girl 🙂 Well iam not having that much of a free time due to work and social activities... my problem is more this low energy level iam feeling so often and then i feel overhelmed by everything and dont want to go out... and i try not to give in like i always did when i was still gaming. But maybeeee i will take your advice and look at this list again, ty 🙂 Idk how many days exactly i have now, i think its about 9 months shortly and yea... its christmas eve so i think its a good time to do a summary of this year. This night is also called silent night and this year it indeed made me feel very silent and calm inside. I think its this time of the year to look back on the year that has passed. Maybe thats a thing only older people like me do lol, but i thought i share my thoughts on this. This year has been a hell of a challenge for me. Starting with the earlier break from gaming end of last year i decided to quit the whole gaming thing after relapsing like a f***** junkie for 3 months straight. I knew it was my life or gaming. So yea, like this stupid anti drug slogan from the 90s i chose life. Without knowing that i chose something being absolutly broken. I had no job, no friends, depression and anxiety all over the place. So wtf. Why chose this. Cause gaming was worse than all this. Gaming was the illusion of having a purpose (job), friends (friends...), feeling happy (depression) and being strong and powerful (anxiety). And when the fog cleared from my head i saw what i already was fearing. I felt what i pushed away for so many years. That i was completly and utterly alone. Many of you are young and still live with parents or relatives. Or are maybe older and have their own families. But if you dont, then the only reason to get your shit together has to be yourself. So how you do this when you hate yourself so much that you wish you gonna die every morning you wake up. Simple. Every day you make a decision. Our every day life is full of decisions but for people who are addicted, may it be to substances or non substances like us, the very first decision every day is to not relapse. And maybe you make this decision various times a day. Iam sure some of you who were deep enough down into the hole know what i mean. So yea, thats how it all started. And i would never believe that i would make it until now without touching any game at all. i withstood all the temptations. So now iam here. I still am. During this year have been a lot of times where i thought i would not make it. But i think thats what i learned. I learned how to survive alone. Sounds dramatic, cause after all iam not living in a country where iam threatened by war or starvation. That would be another level f survive. I think i mean more of survive mentally. Not and never to give in. That the only thing being worth doing this for should be myself. And this one life i have. That being said i am very grateful for this fucking difficult year and what it tought me. For 10 years i did not feel as much joy and pain, laughter and tears, light and shadow than in this one.
  8. So this is my first autum without gaming. And while summer was easy cause there was always something to do outside i feel like its very hard right now. You know its cozy inside and you dont wanna move out cause its sooo cold^^ So yes. A challenge is coming. And while time goes by and i read many stories from other people saying they dont miss gaming at all ect.. i cant agree for myself. I mean, i dont miss it 24/7. There are days i even dont think of it. But then iam constantly feeling so... disconnected from everything around me. I went to this therapist 2 weeks back and at least she did not laugh at me when i told her about my gaming problem.^^ And she gave me another appointment, which is rare at least if you consider the situation of getting a therapy here. So i hope something will improve again. Maybe iam too unpatient. Today when i was driving to work i asked myself why iam constantly feeling like shit. And then when i was digging more into my feelings and looked back on what has happened this year i recognized that life has become a lot better and its improving. So then i asked myself how shitty life has been before when this here was already the "better". Fuck this. Sorry. Kids, dont curse 😉 Its hard for me right now not to replace one addiction with some other one. I know its not good and that i should look out more for my health and emotional growth. I met a guy last week who was nice and we are going on another date on friday. So yeah iam a bit nervous right now and hope i wont drink too much cause iam shy af -_-
  9. Wenn Du magst schau es Dir mal an, das sind 2 Deutschrussen die ne Youtubeserie machen und dort wird deutsch und russisch gesprochen... ist aber auch nicht jedermanns Humor.... 😄
  10. Hi and welcome. Your sentence above reminds me of a quote i once read: Recovery didnt open the gates of heaven and let me in. It opened the gates of hell and let me out. I know this void you are describing very good myself, i guess most of us here do. But you seem to have many goals you want to achieve plus deleting your accounts was a very good step as well i think so you dont get tempted. I wish you all the best 😃
  11. Sie ist eine sehr formelle Anrede, Du kannst Du sagen 😛 Es gibt eine sehr lustige Serie namens Ost Boys auf Youtube, kennst Du die? 😄
  12. Iam german. About what you want to chat? 😛 Btw i started to learn russian a while ago but its so difficult omg -_-
  13. I quit about 7 months ago and there is still craving but i found out it is triggered by certain things. I have bought a laptop so i dont have to use my gaming PC for normal internet stuff ect. But there are certain times i need something from this PC. Sitting at it alone with my gaming mouse in the hand triggers me. I then start watching my gaming recordings. Then the craving comes. And i need a lot of willpower to shut this down. I am now thinking of maybe selling the gaming PC so i dont get those triggers anymore. What i wanted to say is, craving is normal and everyone has a unique technique which fits to stop it once you found out what works best. For me its eliminating the triggers so the craving does not have a chance to come out.
  14. Thank you 🙂 Thats what i try to do every day. But yes, there is a lot that can go wrong. The only thing between me and my PC is my will not to play. And we all know how weak ones will can be. But i try my best 🙂 Thats nice 🙂 Some encouragement now and then cant be wrong. Especially on days when like me today you are sick af and have to stay home with nothing to really do -_- Well i try to fill my free time with normal things other people do... like meeting friends, going out, reading, i have started learning a new language, i listen to music ect. Finding something to do is most times not the problem. Its more like the moments when you are sad and alone that i get tempted to play. I then have this thought like omgggg, it would be so nice to sit down now and play an hour. Like switching everything off inside the head and just go. Well. I think i wont though 😛 I plan on travelling the USA and canada in the future. Right now its always a matter of money cause i simply dont have any^^ I hope this soon will change and then life will get a bit easier 🙂 Day 210 Yeah my sobertimer told me its 210 and i spent about 22 Million heartbeats without gaming. Thats a huge number ugh... Today was risky cause i am sick with some influenza and not able to go outside or to work. There is a new game out now which i want to play and just on my birthday next year a game which iam looking forward to for 2 years now will be released. But until then i think i will totally stay away from any gaming and not just from the heroin game cause i think it could still trigger me and iam not in a stable mood yet. Today i have finally made an appointment with a therapist in november and i really hope she wont laugh at me when i tell her about the gaming addiction or directly wants me to go into mental hospital like the last therapist i went to^^ I think my problem is that without gaming i am feeling all those feelings i numbed so perfectly. And its simply too much that is there. So iam in an neverending cycle of being overwhelmed and mostly depressed 90% of my time. But iam like fucking proud i didnt relapse once since march even though iam feeling like shit so many days. And so i think that just at one point i will be over it. That the urge to play will vanish completly at some point. And that i will be able to embrace happiness and wholeness in my life 🙂
  15. Idk if it changes your personality, but it totally can change the way you interact with people. For example when i started gaming in the beginning i was more a shy but rather social kind of person. I didnt insult other players, i always played fair, i never destroyed the other teams fun of baseraping in a round for 1000 tickets. Sooo. This all changed over the years. Ingame i became a toxic, selfish evil t***. Make the enemy rq, great, work done. In my real life my behaviour slowly changed too. I began to lie to people. I was more aggressive. I easily lost patience. In some way i lost my ability to really socially interact with people and lost interest in it too. Excessive gaming has an impact on your brain, so iam pretty sure it can change your personality (whatever that is as already written above). But theres also good news. Its not irreversible ?
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