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About TheCrystalLake

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  1. TheCrystalLake

    ☆☆Waves become wings☆☆

    So this is my first autum without gaming. And while summer was easy cause there was always something to do outside i feel like its very hard right now. You know its cozy inside and you dont wanna move out cause its sooo cold^^ So yes. A challenge is coming. And while time goes by and i read many stories from other people saying they dont miss gaming at all ect.. i cant agree for myself. I mean, i dont miss it 24/7. There are days i even dont think of it. But then iam constantly feeling so... disconnected from everything around me. I went to this therapist 2 weeks back and at least she did not laugh at me when i told her about my gaming problem.^^ And she gave me another appointment, which is rare at least if you consider the situation of getting a therapy here. So i hope something will improve again. Maybe iam too unpatient. Today when i was driving to work i asked myself why iam constantly feeling like shit. And then when i was digging more into my feelings and looked back on what has happened this year i recognized that life has become a lot better and its improving. So then i asked myself how shitty life has been before when this here was already the "better". Fuck this. Sorry. Kids, dont curse 😉 Its hard for me right now not to replace one addiction with some other one. I know its not good and that i should look out more for my health and emotional growth. I met a guy last week who was nice and we are going on another date on friday. So yeah iam a bit nervous right now and hope i wont drink too much cause iam shy af -_-
  2. TheCrystalLake

    Looking for German speaking people.

    Wenn Du magst schau es Dir mal an, das sind 2 Deutschrussen die ne Youtubeserie machen und dort wird deutsch und russisch gesprochen... ist aber auch nicht jedermanns Humor.... 😄
  3. TheCrystalLake

    Just told myself enough is enough

    Hi and welcome. Your sentence above reminds me of a quote i once read: Recovery didnt open the gates of heaven and let me in. It opened the gates of hell and let me out. I know this void you are describing very good myself, i guess most of us here do. But you seem to have many goals you want to achieve plus deleting your accounts was a very good step as well i think so you dont get tempted. I wish you all the best 😃
  4. TheCrystalLake

    Looking for German speaking people.

    Sie ist eine sehr formelle Anrede, Du kannst Du sagen 😛 Es gibt eine sehr lustige Serie namens Ost Boys auf Youtube, kennst Du die? 😄
  5. TheCrystalLake

    Looking for German speaking people.

    Iam german. About what you want to chat? 😛 Btw i started to learn russian a while ago but its so difficult omg -_-
  6. I quit about 7 months ago and there is still craving but i found out it is triggered by certain things. I have bought a laptop so i dont have to use my gaming PC for normal internet stuff ect. But there are certain times i need something from this PC. Sitting at it alone with my gaming mouse in the hand triggers me. I then start watching my gaming recordings. Then the craving comes. And i need a lot of willpower to shut this down. I am now thinking of maybe selling the gaming PC so i dont get those triggers anymore. What i wanted to say is, craving is normal and everyone has a unique technique which fits to stop it once you found out what works best. For me its eliminating the triggers so the craving does not have a chance to come out.
  7. TheCrystalLake

    ☆☆Waves become wings☆☆

    Thank you 🙂 Thats what i try to do every day. But yes, there is a lot that can go wrong. The only thing between me and my PC is my will not to play. And we all know how weak ones will can be. But i try my best 🙂 Thats nice 🙂 Some encouragement now and then cant be wrong. Especially on days when like me today you are sick af and have to stay home with nothing to really do -_- Well i try to fill my free time with normal things other people do... like meeting friends, going out, reading, i have started learning a new language, i listen to music ect. Finding something to do is most times not the problem. Its more like the moments when you are sad and alone that i get tempted to play. I then have this thought like omgggg, it would be so nice to sit down now and play an hour. Like switching everything off inside the head and just go. Well. I think i wont though 😛 I plan on travelling the USA and canada in the future. Right now its always a matter of money cause i simply dont have any^^ I hope this soon will change and then life will get a bit easier 🙂 Day 210 Yeah my sobertimer told me its 210 and i spent about 22 Million heartbeats without gaming. Thats a huge number ugh... Today was risky cause i am sick with some influenza and not able to go outside or to work. There is a new game out now which i want to play and just on my birthday next year a game which iam looking forward to for 2 years now will be released. But until then i think i will totally stay away from any gaming and not just from the heroin game cause i think it could still trigger me and iam not in a stable mood yet. Today i have finally made an appointment with a therapist in november and i really hope she wont laugh at me when i tell her about the gaming addiction or directly wants me to go into mental hospital like the last therapist i went to^^ I think my problem is that without gaming i am feeling all those feelings i numbed so perfectly. And its simply too much that is there. So iam in an neverending cycle of being overwhelmed and mostly depressed 90% of my time. But iam like fucking proud i didnt relapse once since march even though iam feeling like shit so many days. And so i think that just at one point i will be over it. That the urge to play will vanish completly at some point. And that i will be able to embrace happiness and wholeness in my life 🙂
  8. TheCrystalLake

    Can gaming change your personality?

    Idk if it changes your personality, but it totally can change the way you interact with people. For example when i started gaming in the beginning i was more a shy but rather social kind of person. I didnt insult other players, i always played fair, i never destroyed the other teams fun of baseraping in a round for 1000 tickets. Sooo. This all changed over the years. Ingame i became a toxic, selfish evil t***. Make the enemy rq, great, work done. In my real life my behaviour slowly changed too. I began to lie to people. I was more aggressive. I easily lost patience. In some way i lost my ability to really socially interact with people and lost interest in it too. Excessive gaming has an impact on your brain, so iam pretty sure it can change your personality (whatever that is as already written above). But theres also good news. Its not irreversible ?
  9. TheCrystalLake

    ☆☆Waves become wings☆☆

    Today its day 180. Its double the time i think i would make. When i started the 90 days i thought oke, lets try. I got nothing to lose. Now i see how much there was to win. And still after 180 days i feel the urge to play. But i keep going day after day without. Try to fill my free time with other things. But iam very unsatisfied with my life in general. I would like to travel and to see the world finally. Next year i will get.. well... very old. And i havent left europe on my travels so far. I feel like iam trapped in my life and this makes me weak to relapse. I think i will change job and city again next year. Iam not happy here where iam. It sometimes feels like the end of the world. When i came here i was running from my breakup and all the ghosts hunting me for years. So a town at the end of the world was perfect. But now that i want to get back into life this one is simply not the right place. Everyone has a family and kids here and this is simply not my way of living. I have known it all along since i was young that this family thing is not mine to have. I want adventure and excessive feelings and happenings. Maybe thats why iam so attached to gaming and other substances. Iam still reading "The realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate, which is an absolutly excellent book if you want to know more about addiction and how it happens, especially how the brain is involved in it. He also writes about non substance addiction, which makes this book even better.
  10. TheCrystalLake

    Mohammad's Journal

    This is a very beautiful picture! ? Maybe you need some other strategy to cope with stress, sports or meditation for example? Or maybe calling a friend or relative when you feel like gaming? You did good until the very end of the 90 days but it sounds like your progress is indeed a bit in danger. Getting out of gaming requires constant discipline and work for some, while others as it seems can do easier. Some are even selling their gaming equipment or they give it to a friend so its out of sight, maybe thats an option for you too?
  11. TheCrystalLake

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Sounds like you had an awesome night ? And this "Suddently it all fell into place" reminds me of a quote i read a while back: Maybe things are not falling apart, maybe they are falling into place. ? Congrats to the 70 days.
  12. Hey, first of all it sounds like you dont know exactly what you want to work as? Why you write applications for jobs you dont want? Now i have been there myself. Unemployed. Sad. Depressed. Gamed all day. But in fact it only gets worse when you do nothing. I am not very satisfied with my education cause its not really what i want to do in life. But at one point you simply have to make a choice. And believe me ANY job ist better than sitting at home and gaming all day. So at one point i simply took one of the jobs that was offered to me. It meant leaving my home for half a year and leaving the PC behind. And although i quit that job again in the meantime it was the BEST decision i made in the past 5 years. Cause it meant to break the routine of gaming, depression and feeling like shit. And i dont think your parents hate you... actually whatever you do unless they mentally disturbed, parents never hate their children. They are maybe helpless cause they see how you throw away your life although you apparantly have a good education. Something has to stop the downward spiral. And you are the only one who can do that. And you can.
  13. TheCrystalLake

    Responsible gaming: is it possible for an addict?

    Thats a very good point @seriousjay i never saw it that way. I dont have much patience at all but i think cause of the immediate satisfaction you get in a game this might have even change to the worse... But what you wrote about the couples seems... weird lol. My experience is that you want to see each other as often as possible. Still i agree on slowing down on many things and about what @Phoenixking said about being kind to ourself. Thats maybe the most difficult part.
  14. TheCrystalLake

    Responsible gaming: is it possible for an addict?

    Yeah you are quiet right. Its disturbing though how important such a virtual identity can become to ourself. Iam aware that this maybe just filled a void i had in my life, although i never completly lacked friends in real life. But what attracted me was to be part of a group and to be useful for a group too. I ofc now try to find that in real life and friendships and work but nothing so far gives me this feeling. And yea lol, i feel silly about it. I maybe have to keep on searching. Maybe i should not be so unpatient ?
  15. TheCrystalLake

    Responsible gaming: is it possible for an addict?

    Well.. i feel every day that i dont have overcome the problem cause iam fighting very strong against my urges to play every day. I think so too that @Phoenixking very precisly pointed out what interested me in videogames when they were just an ordinary hobby. I dont know why but i keep thinking that i could maybe go back to this point. Where i just played single player games for their story and their graphic. I didnt even play every day, sometimes not for weeks or months. It was just a simple hobby. But yeah iam aware that my brain is a bitch now and since it has experienced those dopamine rushes it wants more of it and always will want, and that even playing a single player game now could be different and dangerous for the process of recovery. When i quit i chose the 90 days off like many here did to see whats gonna happen. So now iam 5 months done and although many things have changed in my life to the better theres also still so much urge to play. So i set myself another goal now cause i seem to need this and extended the 90 days to 360 days. @Peluconus its not that iam not enjoying the real things in life. But i think you are very right when you say, we need to accept who we are. Maybe one day i wont be even sad anymore about all this. Idk. On some days it still feels like i have lost a big part of myself cause i had build up a certain reputation in my game. This is really silly ? Thank god there is this forum here with all you wonderful people ❤️