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Gaming the System 006 - James' First 30 Days As a Digital Nomad in Thailand!

Phoenixking

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Day 27

So that was it. The heatwave won. I was gagging and almost threw up at work. After less than an hour there, I left for the day. Headed to the doctor's office. Heatwave, low blood pressure, not enough salt and probably that barbecue meat. Spent the day at home. Bittersweet feeling. Huzzah! No work. But DAMN. I felt baaaad. So weak. Could barely ride my bike home.

In the end, I ended up removing my limiter from Netflix. I wasn't about to clean or go shopping, I could barely function. Bed, cold water and Netflix. I also fell asleep at some point.

When I came to, some food, more Netflix and a cold shower. I ended up going to my friends place a few towns over.

My friend from the other town... He's a bit of a story. He used to be this introverted science nerd. He's still nerdy today (Pathfinder, Star Wars, Marvel, ...) but something inside of him changed. He is a fine example of me bringing light into another's life. I am very proud of him and the person he's become. We met at improv, he wanted to enhance his social skills and deal with some anxiety. He's a funny dude and we started to get along. I lived in his town back then, this was a few years ago. When the girlfriend I was living with there broke up with me, I was a shell of a man. Went on a drunken sex bender with a Czech girl and some other girls. It was wild and rather self-destructive. I had a reputation for being a bit of a playboy. Not creepy or anything, I'm very respectful. But I definitely know how to flirt and did it often. I'm not sure who came up with it, but we ended up travelling to Spain for a roadtrip. Others had warned him of my reputation. That I might suddenly disappear because some nice girl winked at me and he'd be left all alone. What happened was the opposite. Long story short, the introvert started to come out of his shell because of me. I talked him up, he met a girl and she just ravished him! When we drove home, he was still scratched all over from that sexy hellcat. He had never been travelling like that, the parties, the nature, the food, the adventure, ... All of it. I naturally tried to find myself a hellcat too. I'm not too proud to admit I was jealous. But in the end, after spending an extra night and thus wasting an already paid for hotel room, after letting 'my hellcat' tattoo me in her kitchen, she just wasn't that into me. Yes. I thought we were into each other. Yes, I did dumb things. And yes, to this day I still have a crappy tattoo of her making on my shoulder and she has a similar one on her leg. I find it hilarious and a great keepsake. I'll tattoo over it one day. I vowed to allow myself to erase that bit of my past when I feel ready. When I feel like I have conquered myself, I will tattoo a Phoenix King over her crappy ink. Hence my screen name.

On the drive back home, he cried tears of joy. He never knew life could be like that. So adventurous and wild. I opened that kid up and he became a man. He is still grateful to this day. A couple of months later, I did a huge house party. I wanted to convince myself that I'm more loved than I thought I was. It turned into something like Project X. It's during that party that he met his current girlfriend. They live together now and I just got back from their place. I am honored to have played such a humbling role in his happiness. He might not realize it, but seeing the effect I have had on him makes me feel like a better person. Like I made a positive impact on the world.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Saw my friend and we basically talked for 7 hours, almost non stop. 

Body/health

The heat won. Threw up, low blood pressure, the works. I'm kind of okay now. But I hope solace comes soon. I just have to mind what I eat more. 

Mind/soul

Still too hot to think. But seeing my friend and his girlfriend so happy made me feel proud and warm inside. Great evening. I invited him over to mine for next time.

What progress did I make today?

I eased up on myself. Nothing bad happened. Also I figured out that using stuff like 'Anaconda' still counts to me as porn because of what it does to your natural rewards system in the brain.

What went well today:

Cooling down. I have a great shower. The nap did wonders too.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Minded my food more. I collapsed partly because me not eating (properly) enough.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Pay attention to my body more. And take care of it more.

Goals:

Go have lunch with my friends. They're a couple I met through my ex. They want to hear my side of the story. My goals is to remain calm and civil and enjoy lunch with them. Also, send some chocolate over to the UK to a friend of mine. Also pick a date for food with another friend next week and pick a date with my sister to go see my grandparents. And work down the to do list. And try not to overexert myself and let go of some of these goals if necessary and forgive myself for that.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Waw, Matt. Thanks! Damn! 
I appreciate the advice. I hadn't thought of the progress I want to make in such a way. It's true that my brain is probably used to achieving goals much quicker that reality permits. I had a conversation with a job counselor recently and one of the things she noted right away was that I'm rather impatient. As if I need immediate results for just about anything. If it's my personality, I'll need to work on that. If it's my brain recovering from years of gaming, it'll subside on its own. Still a creepy thought that something deemed so innocent can be so destructive if you allow it to be. 

Thank you man. I'll try not to be so hard on myself. A part of me is just scared that if I let up, I'll slide back into chaos and it'll be harder to crawl out every time after the previous one. I think I judge myself rather hard for all of the lost time. My dad's a schizophrenic and an alcoholic. I will probably never inherit anything because of his money issues. Obviously I'm a completely different person. But I'm also all I have. I have no parents to rely on or to guide me or teach me. I have a great place to live now, I pay for every tiny thing myself, everything I have or achieved, is only because of myself and nobody else. Somewhere along the road, it's like I've put this extra load of responsibility on my shoulders. Like, I not only have to do just okay, I have do be great. I cannot allow my parents' mistakes to lead to a sub-optimal life for myself. Maybe I'm overthinking this; but you're totally right. I need to mellow out on myself. It's just that I'm scared what might happen when I do. I don't want to damage my progress.

I am humbled and honored, Matt. I hope you draw as much inspiration as you like from any ordeal, joke or write up of mine. If there's anything I can ever do for you, just gimme a shout ?

Thanks, Phoenix.  The impatience will go away over time.  You're going to learn to be comfortable with yourself and trust yourself during specific time frames.  You'll gain this confidence over time so just allow life to happen.  One of my regrets while making these changes in my life was how focused I was on making my life a good one.  The accountability you worry about is going to prevent you from ever failing.  Just remember that.  If you worry too much it will promote more doubt in yourself versus confidence in yourself if you do this for too long.  Be strict to create your mental, emotional, and physical structure, but be trusting of the structure once you've built it.  If it needs modifications, do so in hope of progress versus self frustration.

I appreciate the friendship and the offer is mutual.  We'll succeed because we want to succeed and nobody can take that from us.

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Day 28

I got out of bed rather late. It's weekend, what else would I do? ^^ 

I had lunch with a couple that I got to know through the ex. The girl has been friends with the ex since childhood. Of all the people in the world, she'd be the one to talk to about all of the mayhem of the past few months. I knew it would be a difficult and confronting conversation. But they were worried about me and wanted to hear my half of the story of our breakup. People who look at the world like that, will always deserve my respect and time. Very open minded.
We talked for about 3 hours. In the end we all felt like I had dodged a bullet. We swapped stories about her and the biggest takeaway from all of it was how immature and egocentric she was. It was so nice to feel like my worries were legit. Apparently they had wondered from the start of the relationship how long I would last. She's probably going to keep gathering up failed relationships. We also talked about how she was doing.

That where my day kind of went down the drain. She had been apparently doing horrible but was posting pictures online as if everything was fine and dandy. In reality she's a mess that is basically only surviving on cigarettes, booze and anti-depressants. But when you take a look at the stories she tells, the pictures she posts on her social media, you'd say she's having the summer of her lifetime. Pictures of her in bikini, her being happy she's lost a lot of weight (from not eating), her in her make-up and about to go hang out with her new foreign friends, her on vacation on some exotic beach. She's also on Tinder now.

It felt my stomach churn. I don't know what was worse. The fact that she was miserable and lost so much weight because she wasn't eating, the fact that she clearly is not handling any of it with even an ounce of maturity or the thought of her dating and seeing other guys. We've been apart for less than a month. It felt like having my heart ripped out a second time. How can she behave like that? As if our relationship meant nothing. I gave her the best of myself, I sacrificed so much and was preparing to move in and go on a very expensive holiday. I feel like such a fool. How could I have ever fallen for such a trashy person. In less than two weeks it's like she went from "I miss you, I need you back, I will change everything for you." to "I am fine, look at my boobs in bikini, everybody! Oh, look at how many new penises there are here!" 

So after lunch and that horrible news, I wanted to leave for home. Instead I played sad music and just went to a quiet place near the water. The sun was shining, birds flying by. It was peaceful. I truly love living in this city. Moving here was a great decision. Despite how expensive my rent is ? 

I've been wondering what people do when they have to deal with heartbreak. Well, the answer seems to be anything. Anything that soothes the soul. Anything at all. So I just sat there. Existing. And doing nothing else beyond that. Just sitting there and allowing myself to be sad. Because that's all I could do. I didn't want to drink or run, I didn't want to call her and shout or scold. In a weird way, looking back, I was at peace with the pain.

I ended up making the first photograph in ages and posting it online. It felt right. I cleaned up my Instagram so there's only people on there I want to keep an eye on or in touch with. I feel like I won't abuse it because there's nothing much to mindlessly scroll through. After that my niece sent me a message about the picture. She was nearby. We ended up going for drinks, talking about books, psychology, our family, getting over exes, ... It felt freeing.

I let go of my responsibilities of the day. I just wanted to go home, watch a movie and sleep. Get the day over with. I am proud I was able to do so. Not being so hard on myself is difficult sometimes. But it turns out I find it easier when I give myself a 'get out of jail card' when there's stuff that rocks your world a bit. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Took an amazing picture. 

Body/health

The lunch was proper Italian Pizza and wine. Quite a heavy breakfast. Other than that, if I mind what I eat tomorrow, I'll be fine.

Mind/soul

Uprooted once again. And starting to worry a bit about money. I'll be keeping an eye on my budget.

What progress did I make today?

First picture taken, new fun habit started. Dealt with sadness and tough news. Let go of pressure and responsibilities for the rest of the day.

What went well today:

Talking to my niece. She's intelligent and kind and I enjoy her company.

What I could have done to make my day better:

The news that the ex is on Tinder and going out and doing who knows what with who knows who kind of floored me. I felt like nothing I could have done would have been noticeably better.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Not sulk. Sleep properly. Eat properly. And try go on with my life. Try not to think about her.

Goals:

Enjoy my buddy's company, go to Ikea and find a new couch and kitchen/dining table with chairs. Also clean up the place a bit and mind my budget.

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Day 29

1 more day untill I can say I reached 30% of the detox!

I had so much trouble falling asleep. The news about the ex partying it up and posting sexy pictures, popping anti-depressants and combining it with alcohol and using Tinder had totally (and understandably) wrecked me. I felt horrible. I was so sad. It was the closest I had come to relapsing. But I didn't. Well, maybe in a mellow way. I masturbated to Nicki Minaj's Anaconda video. It felt like cheating on the promise I had made to not watch porn because of the shit it does to your brain. We're not biologically designed to be able to conjure up sexy images like that at will. I also did not meditate, I did not do my exercises, I did not eat properly... In the end I fell asleep with an old bad habit of mine: with Netflix. I spun up a comedy show, unplugged the laptop so the battery would die eventually and it was therefor the first night I spent here without earplugs.

I woke up late and didn't really do anything special in the morning. I had lunch with a friend of mine and his girlfriend. We perused Ikea and I bought a little trashcan for the bathroom. 

After that, things picked up. I had my sights set on a specific couch and table from another furniture store nearby. My friend suggested we visited an outlet store in a fancy part of town. I found an amazing table, crazy comfy chairs and all of that at super discount prices. They will take about 10 days to deliver it to my home but whatever ^^ The we went out and bought an fucking couch! It's comfy, huge and I love it. The only issue I have is figuring out where the fuck I should put it ? The kitchen and living room area is 1 big open space. There are outlets and tv-connections everywhere so anything is a good option. I have no idea what to do with the interior decoration. 

My two friends also gave me a big goodie bag of stuff they no longer needed. Long drink glasses, wine glasses, a set of kitchen knives, a juicer, ... It's insane! I am so grateful. I thanked them about 100 times. We popped some champagne I had bought earlier this week, played some board games and they left me to revel in my newfound euphoria ^^ 

It's not been an extremely productive day on the one hand. No budget was made, I didn't clean anything, no dishes were done, ... But on the other hand, I have a fucking amazing couch now!!

I'm slowly learning to mellow out on myself. It's so weird how much effort it takes to tell myself that today was in fact a good and productive day, despite my ass comfortably resting on the new couch.

I also clearly notice a pattern. I suck at following my usual healthy routine in the weekends. Usually because of sleeping in, alcohol or going out and getting back home late. I still need to find peace with this fact. It's understandable and almost completely normal. But I notice I still judge myself for this. As if I'm somehow failing at something just because I go out and have fun.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I got the couch on the same day I bought it, no waiting time. And my friend helped me put it together.

Body/health

Fine ^^ Nothing to report. I did make a mental note to exercise more.

Mind/soul

My friend's company and the victories of the day have made me euphoric.

What progress did I make today?

Bought new furniture. Got new stuff for the kitchen. Installed the couch. Met some people online who are fans of 'Gaki No Tsukai'. There will be a viewing party with drinking games involved. I will try to participate and enjoy this. I'm really getting into everything Japanese.

What went well today:

Shopping for furniture and getting over my bad mood of yesterday.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Exercises and proper breakfast. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Exercise and mind my food. 

Goals:

Survive work. Get something off the to do list. Be nice to grandparents when I visit them (long story). Get my deposit back from previous landlord. 

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Day 30

I survived work. It was fine. Nothing fancy but just okay. The longer I do this boring job, the more I realize that the job counseling was a great idea.

After work I went by my old apartment and saw my old landlord. I got my deposit back. The sum in itself was big enough to cover the cost of my new couch and my chairs and new table.

And then I fell asleep...

I was sitting on my new couch for the first time. It was comfy. I had a snack, made my list of the things I still had to do this night (cooking and eating a proper meal, among other things). I ended up relaxing by watching some Netflix. I got a bit sleepy. I always try to listen to my body so when I'm hungry, I eat and when I'm sleepy, I sleep. I figured a nap couldn't hurt. 

Bam! All of a sudden it's 10:30 pm. Evening is over!

So yeah. I'll just go to bed I guess?

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I got my deposit back, easy peasy.

Body/health

Tired, apparently. I wonder if it's a signal of some kind.

Mind/soul

Groggy. But I feel as if some part of me is at peace with the entire situation.

What progress did I make today?

Got the deposit back, made dinner reservations, ... 

What went well today:

Despite today being a tad chaotic, I felt confident. I felt like I had a handle on things. It felt good to not feel like everything is spinning out of control.

What I could have done to make my day better:

That's a good question. I think falling asleep like this is either a symptom you shouldn't ignore, so I did fine. Or I feel like I should have done more productive things, as soon as I got home. But I also don't want to stress myself out. So all in all, I feel like it's okay.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Not fall asleep. Actually DO things! I need to clean the place up. 

Goals:

Survive the day, mind my health (and sleep apparently?), go to my job counselor, clean the place up and work on the to do list!

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

I always try to listen to my body so when I'm hungry, I eat and when I'm sleepy, I sleep

The body can be deceiving though. Feeling sleepy can be induced or interrupted quite easily. Hunger is also not objective sometimes. I can't nap properly even if they paid me a million dollars, but that's just me haha!

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22 hours ago, JustTom said:

The body can be deceiving though. Feeling sleepy can be induced or interrupted quite easily. Hunger is also not objective sometimes. I can't nap properly even if they paid me a million dollars, but that's just me haha!

I will give you that one. That is indeed true! It was weird though... I had a couple of rather short nights and the heat is also kind of draining. I figured I was just really tired. That or I am secretly in love with my new couch. Bit of column A, bit of column B, haha! 

After I woke up and did the diary I couldn't sleep. It was too hot and suddenly I was wide awake. At midnight I got up and had a snack, watched a funny video and read my book until I fell asleep. I figured I'd need less sleep because of the nap but I still slept weirdly. I vowed to make the next night as normal as possible ?

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Day 31

Yay! One third of the detox down! It went by so fast! So much growth, so many lessons and progress. It's crazy what can happen in 1 month! SUGOI!

Work was hella boring. Obviously. But I managed to get some stuff done. Made an appointment with the bank for the deposit, arranged some things that needed arranging. It's sad that my feeling of completion comes from doing errands and little to-do's at work instead of the work itself. I guess that's why I'm looking for a good job counselor.

I went to see my grandparents with my sister and I saw my second job counselor.

The former was meh. I have 1 set of grandparents, old, stereotypical and not very pleasant company. I also have a widow grandma. Grandpa was great but while he could fix just about anything, he couldn't fix his lungs. Cancer from asbestos got the best of him. Grandma sulked for a few years but she's a lively one! She's my best friend of her age category! Her social life is bigger than mine! Always busy, always volunteering, ... Huge heart that kind woman. My other grandparents, not so much... They're rather narrow-minded, racist too and all they do is bitch and moan. They're my alcoholic Dad's parents. So it's all rather sensitive. They think he's an angel. Me and my sister thoroughly disagree. They often forget we have a mind of our own and we have often fought or walked out when they spouted their lies about him being an upstanding man. They were never able to properly communicate about their feelings, did not get a proper education and they married out of necessity (grandma got pregnant). Grandpa is a nut about his grapes, potatoes and his garden. To be fair, I don't know what the fuck the man does, but his produce is often so big, I have wondered out loud if he uses plutonium. Grandma doesn't hear very well but loves to gossip. Sometimes it's funny because she'll mishear something. More often than not it's either sad or vile. She likes to stir the pot and it doesn't matter to her who gets hurt. We didn't visit them for about 6 months. I barely noticed. A part of me is horrified I can be so callous. There once was a time when they actually took me into their home for a while and they often still slip me some money. But they way they view the world and treat others. It's just so wrong and malicious. I often dodge opportunities to see them. I love them, but there is no proper conversation to be had with them. I've read book about conflict management and have spent hours trying to get rational answers out of them. They'll just blankly stare at me and continue their discourse. 

I picked up a shitload of boxes of mine from their garage. One more car load and I will have àll of my stuff in one place for the first time in my life.

The job counselor was great. She was intelligent, cheerful and appreciative. We talked about my skills, my love for Japan, ... It was really a match! I loved talking to her. I told her the Japanese word for tea was 'ocha' and she served my ginger tea in a unique Japanese cup! We talked about 'ikigai' and what kind of job I longed for. Way better than the previous one. I still have an appointment next week and another one in the last week of August. These other two will have to be amazing to be able to blow this one out of the water. Part of me wants to impulsively follow my gut, cancel the others and just go with it. But my new, more rational and calm side knows better. They're not going anywhere and I have enough to do as is.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The meeting with the job counselor was amazing. We really hit it off. 

Body/health

I ate soooo much. I feel healthier than last week!

Mind/soul

A tad vexed that the work is piling up. This place is a true mess. But I am always busy or out doing stuff. So a bit annoyed but waaay less than usual. So I guess I'm more at peace with my limitations?

What progress did I make today?

Arranged the paperwork with the bank for the deposit. It's a big amount. It's paying for my new furniture! Met with the job counselor. Went to grandparents to get my stuff. There's only a few boxes left!

What went well today:

Going from place to place without being late, communicating properly to all parties involved and eating properly.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I didn't have the energy or will to clean and work down the to do list. I remember my energetic week, 2 weeks ago. And last week I was a mess because of the heat wave. Maybe this week is something in between?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Clean the place. I arranged alarms and a timeframe to make sure I have at least 2 hours of cleaning time set up for myself. 

Goals:

Clean and also have dinner with my friend. Last time it was a bit awkward and I was a bit of a dick. So I want it to be cheery and fun!

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Day 32

Today was okay ? Work was rather boring. But there's not actually a lot to do, not much commotion. So if I spend the better part of my day researching stuff about travelling in and to Japan, nobody notices. I still find it annoying that during those 8 paid hours, I find so little fulfillment and challenge in my job that I have to resort to doing what I'm not supposed to. But on the other hand, I do get a lot of joy from actively engaging in what I find interesting, without any distractions. The rebel in my heart secretly likes breaking the rules and getting paid for it. I just hope the job counseling will work out and will leave me with a more fulfilling job situation. I know that it will take work and time and that it will be ME who is doing all of that and not the counselor. They'r just there to guide me. I guess from that angle it's a good thing that I'm not doing everything at once. It still takes effort to hold my ass to my daily routine.

I cleaned! There's still dirt and dust and lots of boxes to unpack. I was mentally drained when I got back home so I wanted to chill out with a soda for a bit. A bit turned into 30 minutes. Then I showered and I got cracking. Trash was removed, dishes were done, ... In the end I was in the zone but I had to leave to go get dinner with my friend. I was texting my niece as well and she dropped by when I got home. I love living here. It's all so spontaneous. I'm so happy with all of these interesting, intelligent, engaging friends here. My friend talked about movies, her girlfriend, her work (she's a writer), psychoanalysis, her family, ... My niece about psychology, our family members and poetry. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm really fucking smart to be able to follow all these highly educated people around me. But then again, there's also a LOT that I don't know. But for a guy with no degree, I can handle myself rather well. 

I'm falling in love with Japanese television. It's such an interesting way to pick up a couple of words here and there. I just finished watching a drama about Jimmy Onishi and have started watching Terrace House. It's a calm and slow reality series. I feel like it's educating me on how polite and minute Japanese society is. 

All in all it was a nice day. But amazing, but not completely boring either. I look forward to reading my book and my friend borrowed me her book about Japan. I'll finish mine tonight probably so I'll have something cool and new to dive into! ? Yay!

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I got a book about Japan from my friend! We also spent about an hour or 3 constantly talking and joking. It was lovely to reconnect after not seeing her for 1,5 years.

Body/health

So much food in my belly! Even went out and got a milkshake. Also, yay! No dishes!

Mind/soul

I'm starting to feel more balanced and at ease. Sure there are still things that stress me out. And lots of things require more discipline or attention. But there is definitely a level of peace now.

What progress did I make today?

Dishes, cleaned the place up, held myself to what I had planned.

What went well today:

Hanging out with my friend and working down the to do list.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I have difficulty answering this. I guess I could have started my chores instead of chilling out for 30 mins. But I just felt mentally exhausted from my boring job so that's fine by me.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to clean more. Cook a proper meal instead of eating out.

Goals:

Get car checked out. Cook. Clean place up. 

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Keep up the good work.  I have a friend who had recommended a few Japanese TV shows to me.  She was describing how different they were to US and UK television.  I only really watch anime or Godzilla movies, but I'll have to give one a try one of these days.

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

Keep up the good work.  I have a friend who had recommended a few Japanese TV shows to me.  She was describing how different they were to US and UK television.  I only really watch anime or Godzilla movies, but I'll have to give one a try one of these days.

I'm totally falling in love with 'Terrace House'. I watch it to see if my friend's stories check out. He spent a while there and told me stuff like how they can suddenly turn distant. He had spent a lovely and romantic night with a girl, they slept together and suddenly she wanted to go to bed so he needed to leave. There's a few other stories. Their culture in terms of empathy, politeness, etiquette and how they view and handle emotions is véry different. Fascinating though. Just watched an episode where somebody asked another person what they were planning on doing with their life. That person started crying because of the way the question was posed. WTF? In any case, it's super interesting to me. Kind of feels like it's an excuse to watch Netflix without feeling bad for procrastinating ?

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

Keep up the good work.  I have a friend who had recommended a few Japanese TV shows to me.  She was describing how different they were to US and UK television.  I only really watch anime or Godzilla movies, but I'll have to give one a try one of these days.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know ?

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Day 33

I woke up because of a nightmare this morning. I dreamed that I heard my front door rattle. The sound of a key being inserted into the lock in a way as if the person doing it had done it a hundred times. I thought to myself: "Holy shit, this is really happening. I'm going to have to defend myself from this intruder." I instinctively grabbed for the machete I keep by my bed (Long story short, it was a gift somebody brought back from Africa) and pulled it from the sheath. The intruder was nearing the bedroom. I slashed at the shadowy figure but the blade didn't cut, it was blunt all of a sudden. The blow didn't have any strength behind it. Suddenly, I was powerless. I could see who it was now... It was the ex. I panicked, wanted to scream but my lungs didn't fill up properly. She pushed me towards the bed and crawled on top of me. She had her way with me against my will. I woke up after that. I remember thinking how fucked up it was that I felt fear like that. That I had such strong negative emotions connected to somebody with whom I used to be so close with. I took a shower after that and let it all go. 

The day was boring as usual. I got stuff done. But I got more interesting stuff done in the stolen moments between coworkers passing by my computer screens. As soon as somebody's back was turned, I continued my secret quest: knowledge. Today I was able to read the entire Wikipedia page about Japan. I read about it's culture, it's history, geography, ... I loved feeding my brain like that. My job doesn't mentally challenge me but in the evening I'm so tired that I seldom do anything that truly pushes my to my limits. It's like it's slowly numbing me during the day and I need to find something to reset my brain when I get back home.

This evening I had my car checked out. Everything was fine ? One less thing to worry about! I had to pass by my ex's town so I was a bit troubled by thoughts about her. I got home at about 7 pm. I cooked a proper meal with veggies and rice and meat and spices. I packed up the leftovers and froze parts of the fresh bread I had bought. It takes a lot of time, though. I still haven't been able to get this place truly clean. I did do the dishes and cleaned the stove. But it's so annoying that there's all these pesky boxes here.

I did notice that I get more shit done when I plan ahead. If I put down a specific task in my schedule rather that accumulate a to do list, I find it easier to manage. So from now on, every Sunday, I'll take a look at my schedule for the week and plan some of my to do thingies.

It wasn't the most productive of days. But I did spend some time simply getting the car checked and cooking and eating. I think about that week when everything went so smoothly. I wonder what's different now. I wonder what I need to change. I don't want to become the type of person who gets upset about exactly how many minutes I have to get shit done as soon as I get back from work. The ex was like that. I am way more mellow. But however stressed she was, she did get shit done.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I read the entire Wikipedia page about Japan!

Body/health

The heat is annoying. But I'm drinking lots of water and ate a home cooked meal today. I'm going to go to bed early today.

Mind/soul

Every single minute my inner monologue switches to Japanese. It's always been in English and Dutch, my native language. For as long as I can remember, English has been a part of me and the reason why I sound like a native speaker when I talk, is because my inner me speaks it to myself. But since this month, Japanese phrases and words have been popping in too. I feel like there's a true passion here. I hope I can settle into some kind of routine with my Duolingo, I want to feed my voracious appetite more! But there's so much to do that's a priority...

What progress did I make today?

Car got checked and approved, food was made and eaten, leftovers were saved, things about Japan were read.

What went well today:

Cooking

What I could have done to make my day better:

Stress out less about the to do list and pour it into an easier to follow schedule; also accept that a huge to do list, will take weeks of time

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Enjoy work (my colleague is gone so I'm his replacement, more work, less boring), crack some jokes with colleagues during the barbecue after work, 

Goals:

Clean the place up to a standard where I can have a visitor over. Enjoy the work barbecue. Use the post office to send my friend Belgian chocolate for her birthday.

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

I remember thinking how fucked up it was that I felt fear like that. That I had such strong negative emotions connected to somebody with whom I used to be so close with.

Dude, I can definitely relate to this. I remember how my ex used to appear in my dreams sometimes, more usually the first months. I woke up every time feeling like shit. If the dream was good, it felt like I betrayed her for letting her go and not doing enough. If it was bad, it felt like I was betraying my memories of her. The thought she had put on me was that I didn't love her enough and all the blame was on me. And for a long time, I believed it. Even in my dreams. I couldn't escape from her.

But hey. We all have demons inside our minds. It's human nature. Some of them take familiar faces and shapes to deceive us and make us bend the knee. We have to be strong enough to keep them in a controlled zone. Remember, their goal is to take control over you.

Don't let them even try.

It's a matter of patience and training your feelings. Saying that it's possible to kill the demons is a bit unrealistic if you are just starting, but you should at least be able to make them small and weak. 

I know you are strong enough to make this. You will overcome anyone or anything that tries to manipulate you again. Remember, patience and training.

On 8/1/2018 at 10:48 PM, Phoenixking said:

I'm falling in love with Japanese television. It's such an interesting way to pick up a couple of words here and there. I just finished watching a drama about Jimmy Onishi and have started watching Terrace House. It's a calm and slow reality series. I feel like it's educating me on how polite and minute Japanese society is.

Some time ago, I watched a show called "Samurai Gourmet". Episodes of 20min, the story is about a retired man that goes to different restaurants everyday. Sometimes he has visions blah, blah samurais blah, blah but the core idea is that every episode shows a bit of their gastronomic culture. It's very relaxing and even educational to see it. It's on Netflix, if you have an account.

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22 hours ago, Peluconus said:

Some time ago, I watched a show called "Samurai Gourmet". Episodes of 20min, the story is about a retired man that goes to different restaurants everyday. Sometimes he has visions blah, blah samurais blah, blah but the core idea is that every episode shows a bit of their gastronomic culture. It's very relaxing and even educational to see it. It's on Netflix, if you have an account.

I do! And I just totally added it to my list! Thank you for the referral! 

22 hours ago, Peluconus said:

But hey. We all have demons inside our minds. It's human nature. Some of them take familiar faces and shapes to deceive us and make us bend the knee. We have to be strong enough to keep them in a controlled zone. Remember, their goal is to take control over you.

There's this great quote from Suckerpunch that I love: "Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it's us. It's everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. And finally this question, the mystery of who's story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things? Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free... It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"

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Day 34

So I'm kind of drunk. I've been drunk before and I just realized that even under the most dire of circumstances, I've always let go of my daily routine (meditation, gratitude journal, physical exercises...) except for this diary. This diary and not watching porn or playing games has been my consistent maintenance of my vows. I'm rather proud of that. I've never given in to either urges or laziness in a long time. I've had more problems with porn than games. But I've never skipped the diary. ?

So work was not exactly challenging today either. My coworker is gone so I had hoped there would be more for me to do. But nope. I instead started reading the D&D Dungeon Master's Guide. I'm excited! It sounds so cool to create my own world. I definitely have some creative ideas about use of magic and what kind of people, creatures and gods inhabit that world. I got to about page 30. So safe to say it was a rather boring day.

I didn't get to send my friend in the UK the chocolate. It's a super hot period and the post office guy reminded me that the postal truck heat up a LOT during the day. It would become a rather liquid gift after an hour. So I'll wait it out.

I got invited to a Glitter & Glamour party in 2 weeks. The prerequisite is that I dress formally and add glitter to my bushy beard. I accepted. There's already pictures of me somewhere with a glittery beard and I thought it was hilarious.

I had fun at the company barbecue. But I can't hold my liquor anymore. I had a couple of beers and some wine. The steak tasted great. But when I got home, I crashed onto the couch and fell asleep for a while. I seriously love this couch. So I'll probably go to bed now.

I'm going out tomorrow. I'm having lunch/brunch with a friend and going shopping. I have a birthday party to attend in the evening so the shopping is meant to find a gift for my other friend. It might be a tad weird. I haven't seen her in a while and apparently she's in a wheelchair now. I just frivolously assumed she's be fine with shopping and drinks and stuff. But I had to stop and ask if that was actually physically okay. She developed something in her spine, like a buildup of fluid. So the wheelchair is there to make sure there's no extra pressure on her back. It's able to tilt backwards and so she drives around town, basically lying down on it. She used to be this jumpy, energetic, improv girl with colored hair and a spring in her step. I had no idea how I should react to her casually mentioning she's basically handicapped now. I always advocated treating everybody exactly the same. But the shock of a friend of mine suddenly losing a major chunk of her mobility took me by surprise and I found a foot in my mouth. 

In any case, tomorrow will be interesting. I think I'll just address the elephant in the room first, get it out of the way asap and then enjoy the day with her.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Tasty barbecue at work!

Body/health

The heat still sucks. But I'm doing okay in terms of food & health.

Mind/soul

Every now and again the ex still pops into my head. I manage. Video games or ads are annoying/tough sometimes too. Porn not so much. I still masturbate regularly, though. So it all feels healthy and normal nowadays.

What progress did I make today?

I read the first part of the D&D-book about being a DM. 

What went well today:

Socializing and joking around with coworkers at the barbecue. I thought it would be more stiff but it was okay.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Find a little project I could work on during working hours. The DM-guide is fun and all. But it doesn't make me feel like I spent my time usefully.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Just let go. Enjoy me time with my friend. Maybe clean some stuff in the morning (because I'll obviously fall asleep after this and it's not even 11 pm yet and I'm seeing her over lunch). Not get too drunk at my friend's birthday party. 

Goals:

Get the wheelchair elephant in the room out of the way and joke around. Find a great gift for my friend's birthday party. Not worry or stress about cleaning.

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Day 34,5

 

I can't sleep. I figured I would just watch Netflix and doze off. But the alcohol and my stomach had other plans. I first fell asleep as soon as I got home. I am madly in love with my couch. She gets me. After I woke up, I wrote the journal entry and went to bed. The problem is that I slept my buzz off. And that I had already taken a hefty nap. I wasn't sleepy anymore. So I watched Netflix, listened to podcasts, read my book, ... Nothing helped. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I wouldn't say that I'm restless. But it's almost 4 am and I'm still up. This is not like me at all. I should make sure if this ever happens again I either mind my alcohol intake or make sure I get to bed properly to start it off with. Sleeping on the couch is lovely but I have to make sure I sleep a full night. This is the second time that falling asleep on the couch has caused me some grief. It also makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic. Which I'm not. A couple of beers and I fall asleep ? A part of me would want to suggest to myself to maybe quit drinking for a while. Another part of me thinks it's folly. For the moment, it's the only thing I have that takes the edge off. I'm not doing improv yet, Krav Maga starts soon but not right now and my new job situation remains in a constant state of flux. I wouldn't say that I nééd to drink. But I feel like it would be a lie if I were to say I could quit any day and would have no issues. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Making a bigger deal out of it that it actually is. I just like ordering cocktails (flavor is amazing and refreshing) when I'm out and everything is so fun and cheery when you're tipsy.

I guess if drinking is actually an issue, I will wake up to it one day. Clearly I'm aware of it and it's potential dangers, but I'm also aware of my magnifying things and being super critical of myself.

And then there's this girl.

Obviously I can't say her name. It's also not about the girl, it's about me. I'm a flirty dude. I used to talk for a living so I'm pretty good with picking up girls and being all charming and smooth. That skill developed into some kind of coping mechanism. I have had many girlfriends. I'm usually not single for a very long time. I used to be on Tinder before I met my ex and that's where I met this girl I'm referring to. I apparently kept her on my Instagram. She's pretty, dyes her hair, has a nose piercing. She's a teacher, great with kids, seems kind, caring and deliciously crazy. And I totally want to ask her out, hang out, get to know her, ... I saw on her feed she was 2 minutes away from me, at a local festival I passed by twice today. It took a lot of willpower to not go there and spark up a conversation. First off, it would have been creepy behavior. It would have felt stalker-y. I'm not like that and if I am or was, I don't want to be like that anymore. Secondly, she's not going anywhere and if she is, there's plenty of fish in the sea. I caught myself actually thinking "But what if somebody snags her up and suddenly all of the cool, cute girls are taken?". The idea that my identity and happiness are determined by another human is preposterous. And yet, that where my brain went. And lastly, I'm no longer like that. I used to fill the holes in my soul with sex, attention, tinder, drinks, dates, flirts and mindgames. A part of me seriously enjoys that. The mental tug of war. I always say that the best kind of sex is the one where you're never sure who's actually fucking who. And that kind of power, that level of ambivalent tension starts with the first conversation. But I vowed to not go that way this time. It's not like it gave me trouble or anything. I've never had a pregnancy scare, not a single STD ever, I always communicate properly what I want or how I feel. I don't want any broken hearts or bruised egos. But it takes up a lot of my attention and time. It would make my insides tingle, sure. But I think it would be a poor investment. 

Of course, this could be another classic case of my being hard on myself. I'm just not sure if I'm protecting myself from a bad habit or not.

In any case, I was in a relationship for a year. It feels wrong to do something with another person so quickly. It's been only a month. I know that the ex doesn't look at it that way. She's on Tinder and living it up. But I want to be different from that. I want to be better than I used to be. I'm just not sure that secluding myself from these kinds of things is a good step or not. 

 

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Day 35

Couple of things happened today.

My wheelchair friend came over. We mainly joked about the darn thing. We went out for drinks, talked about what was going on in our life. I told her the entire story about the ex, I asked her about the wheelchair. I figured I needed to get the elephant out of the room and after it was smooth sailing. It was clear that she was still a bit eccentric. More loud or energetic than I am. But that's fine. I was a tad tired. I ended up pushed her blasted chair all day. That was véry rough. I do not envy her. 

I bought a second-hand bike. Mine was busted. Tire blew out. It's cheaper to buy a new one and I have a full year of guarantee, yay!

I went to my friends birthday party. It was great. It was rather clear that my friend, myself and the Portuguese girl were the party starters. The rest of them were rather quiet or talked among themselves. I ended up going by car and not bike and I made sure to not drink enough to actually be drunk. I am happy and proud of that. I had a buzz going on and that's about all I wanted and needed. To me it's proof that I can maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol without overexerting myself.

And then there's that girl... She was cute, intelligent, interesting and funny. But my birthday friend has a thing for her, despite him having a pseudo-girlfriend. I hanged back a bit, I didn't want to be thàt guy. I have respect for Bro Code stuff. But at the end, we were a bit flirty and I found her on Facebook. If he's cool with it, I might ask her to hang out sometime. She spent some time in Japan so I'll have 1000 questions at the ready. She's from across the border though, so 2,5 hours away. With a little luck something might happen, if not, no losses.

I also have been keeping my eye on this other girl nearby. I deducted from her Instagram feed that she lives a couple blocks away from me. She seems kind and caring and funny. I'm curious about her but it's weird that I see what she does and who she is through her Instagram. I'm a fan a regular human contact and getting to know somebody spontaneously. But I also don't want to throw away all of it.

I guess I'm thinking about girls now a bit more. Things are growing more stable, slowly but surely. I wouldn't say that I'm lonely. I have a lot of social contact with lots of people. But I miss a bit of romance and flirting. I'm probably a bit rusty. But I miss being kissed and touched. I miss being wanted and being able to turn somebody's cheeks red. I said that I would be single for a year. But not celibate for a year. But I'm kind of scared that one thing might lead to another. It's silly to throw away the baby with the bathwater. But a part of me is terrified that if I start hanging out with girls, I will make my life more complicated and that's not what I need right now.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had amazing conversations with a Portuguese girl a my friend's party 

Body/health

The heat is horrible. But I'm fine. Managed to get the drunk thing out of the way.

Mind/soul

I notice I'm thinking about girls way more and I'm still figuring this new element in my head out.

What progress did I make today?

I got a new bike, made arrangements to go swimming tomorrow, got my friend a couple of cool gifts

What went well today:

Had a blast at the party. I suggested we play Circle Of Death. We spent a couple of hilarious hours.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I should worry less. But that doesn't mean I should be more impulsive. Maybe I need more meditation?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Have a nice, chill day. But also try to prep for Monday when the furniture arrives.

Goals:

Go swimming with my niece. Enjoy the sun. Don't get burned. Clean up a bit.

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Day 36

Did not have a hangover this morning. I decided I could be tipsy but no longer drunk and it felt great. All the benefits I like without the mayhem it causes. Still takes a toll on my body. I never guessed that when you're 27 you would need a whole day to recover from a party. I messaged the cute Portuguese girl but her reply was minimal. If I never see her again that's fine, but at least it was a great conversation and lots of jokes. That was a great night. I wonder if I left too early... Maybe something could have happened? But then again, I'm confident I could not have done that to my buddy. I'm not sure if he had feelings for her or if it was just lust. In any case, it was vague enough to not make any clear moves on her. I've been thinking about seeing other people and it's still a bit of a gray area so it's better nothing was rushed, I feel.

I ended up cancelling on my niece though. My friend called and asked if I could move some furniture around. He was the one who dragged me through the break-up. I owe him so many favors now. True friend. So when given the choice between helping him out or going swimming with the niece, though it's a sucky choice, I go for the friend. But he only needed me in the afternoon. So suddenly I had time. ...

And there was this girl. I started talking to her a year ago. On Tinder and then on Instagram. It was before I had met the ex. I am still not on Tinder. Because I don't want to fall back into that old coping mechanism and because it's a tad artificial... On her Instagram feed I kept seeing her go to parties nearby and stuff. And she was doing this thrift shop festival nearby. On Saturday morning and I was debating if I should drop by or not. It's kind of creepy, I felt. I decided not to but I loved the rush of it all. This morning, though. I went for it. It was a two-day thing apparently and I was curious about her. She's kind of cute and funny, turns out. Uhm... Long story short, I have a date with her next Friday. We've started talking and haven't stopped. I have no sexual or romantic aspirations. But she seems like I could have a fun and interesting evening with her. That seems like something I might enjoy. So why not, I guess? She's a bit of a tomboy, a tad politically left and a tad odd. But I'm fairly confident it might be a nice evening. What could possibly go wrong?

I've set up my housewarming/birthday party date. I'll take a day off to go snowboarding and whoever of my friends wants to or is able to come, is welcome to go. I might go alone, which suits me fine. And I'll have some friends over for drinks and giggles. I hope nobody breaks anything ? The cleanup might be a bitch but it'll be worth it. I just hope it'll be a fun night... Having parties always makes me nervous because I'm scared nobody will show up or it will be disastrous. I'm already a bit nervous right now... But I feel like it's important I invite people over and start this new chapter properly!

My daily/weekly organization is getting messy... I notice I postpone of procrastinate a lot. I'm not sure if I'm planning things wrong, am being too easy on myself or maybe it's just the weekends or drinking that messes things up. But in any case, I'm not happy with it. I'm going to spend some time tomorrow figuring out how to deal with it.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I met the girl while thrift shopping, I made my first proper coffee and had a great morning walk in the sun.

Body/health

Seriously, the heat. No hangover and more veggies in my belly. Yay!

Mind/soul

My mind is less busy with the ex and more with myself and my chores and what needs happening. And since recently, girls... The jury is still out on that last new element in my life.

What progress did I make today?

I got a set of binoculars (prop for a photo shoot later this week). I'm afraid that's about it. I feel a tad guilty.

What went well today:

Enjoying myself and feeling carefree! There was a moment, driving home, where I felt infinite. The presence of this girl, the party from last night, seeing my friend, having a drink, the perfect music, the sunshine, going home to my favorite city in my new apartment... It all just clicked. ❤️

What I could have done to make my day better:

Probably do more chores or not procrastinate

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Seriously think about the chores and how I organize myself. I need structure to function. But I seem to slowly throw it overboard.

Goals:

Clean the place up a bit and get the furniture delivered. I would like a productive day.

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Day 37

I feel like the days are going by so fast, it's all a blur. Today wasn't very productive. I moped around the house, slept, ate and went to D&D. I also spent some time browsing the internet because I felt sad that I wasn't being productive. I had agreed with myself I was going to sit down today and do something about that. Figure out what I needed to change and so on...

I think it's the heat, to be honest. The heat and this girl.

We're reaching the end of the second heatwave. Yeah. Second heatwave in a few weeks. Exercising has gone down the drain since the beginning of summer. I picked it back up again but I slipped once the heat started. Even my physical therapist said that it's a rough time for his patients. 

I went to sleep really late last night. I was so restless. My room was way too warm. And I've been chatting with this girl. She's from a couple block down. A teacher, loves plants, ... I'm getting to know her. And we have a date on Friday! She's a night owl, also has ADHD and is also a restless sleeper. So we talk a LOT.

All in all, I guess I can forgive myself for the slacking. I do have a tendency to raise the bar impossibly high. I'll try to make a realistic or minimalist planning in the next days. Like, do 10 minutes of chores as soon as I get home before I start relaxing or cooking... Stuff like that.

It also doesn't help that this is a period of flux. There are always crates, boxes or furniture where they shouldn't be. 

2 more days. The heat should die down a bit by Wednesday... And I hope that by then I can turn over a new leaf and can restart the routine without having to battle heat, lethargy and exhaustion.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I had fun at D&D, I built one of the chairs, my bike works!

Body/health

Fuck this heat. But my food is healthy. 

Mind/soul

I've been thinking about this girl. But not too much, and not in a weird way. I think my brain is just kind of fried. In any case, I feel rather happy when I'm not pissed about the chores.

What progress did I make today?

I built one of the chairs. I'm afraid that's about it. Hence my pissiness.

What went well today:

Continuously falling asleep. Didn't break the Gratitude Journal habit, nor this diary habit.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Probably do more chores or not procrastinate or exercise

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Just take the day as it comes. I honestly don't have the courage to properly answer this question right now...

Goals:

I don't have to achieve anything new tomorrow. Just survive the day without fucking anything up that I've created. So no porn or games, mind my water and food intake, ...

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Day 38

It's finally storming! It sound like a Nirvana concert to me. The rumble and the flashes in the back of the sky sound ominous. The heatwave should break now and I should start turning back to normal. THANK FUCK.

I was so tired of feeling so exhausted and defeated and lethargic.

My workday was fine. Some fun colleagues came back from holiday so it's a more cheerful bunch. We joked around about my dating life. It was funny. I'm used to being the one that sets up jokes ^^ As long as everybody laughs, it's fine. And I get to dole out a few jabs myself ?

I went to the third job counselor. It was only okay. The second one still sticks out majorly. I don't feel like it was a waste of time but it didn't add any value either. I'll make my choice in about 2 weeks. I have my final appointment on the 24th. After that, my path starts anew.

I went out for sushi and drinks with my D&D-buddies. We exchanged stories about the girls we're seeing, the shit we've pulled in the past, just joking around. Great dudes. 

Hearing the stories made me realize how crazy I used to be. I had véry spicy sexy times. A bit of submission & dominance, dressing up, spicy dates, doing it in public places, ... When did I get so vanilla?! I was told that the kindergarten teacher I'll be seeing on Friday will have a wild side. Something about repressed sexual feelings they can't get out at school because of the kids. Shit... If that's true. Sign me up for some crazy stuff! Hearing all of the stories had me hot and bothered. I miss doing crazy shit. Thank hell, I'm single now.

So there was this bunch of girls in the sushi place. Cute, loud .... OMFG. IT JUST STARTED RAINING! GLORY HALELUJAH!!!

Anyway. They were seated across from us. Cute, young things. I don't know where the fuck my nerdy buddies got the balls from. Usually, I'm the talker and charmer. But before I knew it, our delegation headed over there and invited them for drinks. They had to work and politely blew us off. But the act itself was so empowering. I forgot that I'm capable of this. I am able to walk up to anybody I feel is cute or hot and interesting and just plainly ask them out. Just like that! It's insane!

I feel like I'm texting the kindergarten teacher too much. I'll back off a bit. The same goes for the Portuguese girl. It seems that when I'm single (or at least going through a break-up) I have only 2 modes: "OMFG, please marry me now." and "I'm James Bond, I'm cool and will fuck anything."

I'm happy I'm not on Tinder. But I feel like I would really like to have a little bit of rebound fun with that kindergarten teacher.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I just stuck my head out the window and enjoyed the rain. Also my nerdy friends just walked up to a bunch of cute girls and asked them out. 

Body/health

With this storm, I hope the heat will subside. 

Mind/soul

I look forward to finding myself again after the heatwave has stopped. I can't wait to get back into an upswing like a few weeks ago. I need some new good juju.

What progress did I make today?

I don't think you could look at anything I did today as progress towards a set goal. I just had fun with my friends. I relaxed. I did come to the insight I would like a rebound. I'm open to that now.

What went well today:

Joking around with colleagues, joking around with friends.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Less heat and lethargy. But that's slightly out of my control.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

If the heat lets up, I'll try to do at least 1 thing from the list.

Goals:

Survive the day. Go to the beach/lake with my niece and have fun at the huge waterpark event. Maybe do 1 useful thing from the list, if possible.

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Day 39

I had wày more energy today! Waw! Lots of colleagues are back from their holiday. At least the fun ones. So more chatting at work, better atmosphere. I actually worked today! I (almost) had a fully normal day at work of what I'm supposed to do. I did spend some time on Reddit though. I also needed to send an email or two but I didn't get to it. 

All day long I noticed how considerably colder it was. It had dropped like 10 degrees centigrade! I felt so happy! I was back! Normal, non-lethargic, motivated me took over again!

The big beach/lake event with the huge inflatables was cancelled because of weather and security issues. LAME.

When I came home I wanted to try this new system. Do 10 minutes of some chore as soon as you get home, before you start relaxing. I ended up picking my bike from my to do list. I had to fix the saddle, the steering column and check out the brakes. I loved tinkering with it. I had some music on as well. I was totally in the zone. I didn't even think of checking if the 10 minutes were over. I just wanted to fix my bike and 'play' with my toolbox. 

After that, I felt so productive, I just went for the furniture and after that the trash. So I built my 3 other chairs and my new table! All of my furniture is out of the boxes now. I was enjoying myself. Loud music! Die Antwoord, Watsky, The RZA, Postmodern Jukebox, Run The Jewels, ... A little bit of everything but totally me. I was topless and having a beer. I felt so fucking masculine. I also made sure to take out the trash. That may not sound like much but there's a trash pickup strike going on. And because of the move I have A LOT of trash. All of the packaging, the cardboard boxes. It's more than 2 cubic meters of stuff. I put the in my storage unit. 

After that I cooked some pasta, prepped a meal for tomorrow and started watching some comedy and some Terrace House. After that I talked to the Kindergarten Teacher a bit, I showered and had a cold shower beer (This is a thing you must try!) and I basked in the glory of having been super masculine, planned out some stuff and set some alarms, having had good food and prepped for tomorrow, ...

I truly feel like this is proof that it was the heat that has been fucking me over and not my personality or anything else. I'm so happy that's over now. I'm ready for this new upswing!

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

One giant wave of productivity and happiness washed over me after work, along with some beers and great music and a lovely shower.

Body/health

Healthy food is good for me! I hope the beers don't fuck me over, though. I know I'm sensitive to booze nowadays.

Mind/soul

I'm so happy right now. I'm also trying to be aware of the Kindergarten Teacher. We tend to talk daily. I've been reading up on FWB and relationships and stuff. I might be overthinking things. But I just don't want anybody to get hurt. I hope she doesn't have any romantic expectations for our date. She seems like a party girl but in my experience their hearts are fragile.

What progress did I make today?

Trash was taken out, majorly. Furniture was built. Plans for the next days were made with set alarms.

What went well today:

Surprisingly, work. And my wave of productivity after work went by like it was nothing. I was in the zone!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eaten my apple at work. Comparing myself to my peers, I do have a boring ass job and it totally does drain the life out of me.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to maintain this upswing and enjoy myself while doing that.

Goals:

Follow my set course of tasks, wake up and start the day with exercises. (Not likely but giving it a shot. Morning Me is a huge dick.)

Go to Krav Maga for the first time. Enjoy it, have an open mind and be diligent.

 

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Day 40

I am being eaten alive by bugs... There are bites everywhere! Every few minutes there's something biting me. And I went out and got the strongest deterrent I could get my hands on. It chases away the mosquitoes but not all of the bugs that bite me are mosquitoes. UGH.

Anyway. The weather is okay nowadays so I feel way better. I notice that my discipline and productivity is way up. Today was a boring day at work and everybody was clearly slacking. All of the bosses have overlapping holidays so nobody's really feeling pressured to actually work at all. Today was my own personal last day of slacking. Since a coworker is going on a three week vacation, I'll be taking over his job in logistics, combining it my my job at the reception desk. It's still rather boring. But at least it's the diverse sort of boring.

I went to the post office to send my friend from the UK some Belgian chocolate, came home and showered because I was riding my bike like hell. After that I cleaned up the place. I didn't clean it yet, like with a vacuum cleaner or water, but now there are no more boxes or anything else and I have sort of started arranging the furniture how I'd want it to be set up as. So the place looks rather nice now ^^ There's still a long way to go. But there is no rush and I also have to think of my budget!

The rest of the evening was spent either lazily or mildly productive. Nothing to be super proud of but also nothing actually wasteful. Honestly, if this is my default setting, the next couple of years will be great compared to my past!

I've also tried to plan ahead a bit. I notice I respond better to lists of chores when it's done in small bits and pieces. So I made a bit of a schedule with some deadlines to follow. Gotta love 21st century apps! I'll also be getting my vacuum cleaner this Saturday together with a blender. This means I can clean my place and I can start getting fresh fruit again and starting every day off with smoothies. I'm trying to increase my list of great habits ^^

Krav Maga was cancelled due to the weather. I was honestly saddened. I was looking forward to it so much! It sucks. But just 1 more week without physical excitement is okay. My reaction teaches me that it was a good move of mine to start doing it. I'm more happy with having figured out that it'll be good for me than I am sad it got postponed.

Kindergarten Teacher and I still talk daily. This is rather new to me. I've been reading some stuff on Reddit about dating and Tinder and stuff like that. At first I thought this would be a bit constricting. After all, we don't really know each other but keep talking daily? What are we, married? But I guess it was just a small freak out of mine. I enjoy our conversations and I'd be lying if I haven't thought of things getting physical. I wouldn't mind. I'm trying to not get my hopes up. But for now, there aren't really many ways I'd get to meet new people. This was just a social media coincidence. Krav Maga starts next week and improv starts in a month. I'll get to meet some new people there. But for now, this is all I can get. A part of me is a tad desperate, I'll admit. But I can see that for what it is and realize I have nothing to truly crave right now. But I would definitely enjoy a little wild adventure.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Place got all tidied up! And I asked 2 of my coworkers to come to my housewarming. That's a first in my life. I've never worked somewhere long enough to develop a bit of a friendship.

Body/health

I should mind my sleep. I have trouble falling asleep properly. I nod off because of the meditation but 10 minutes after that, I'm wide awake for another hour. I admit to having used Netflix twice this week now. I was desperate. This is also why I didn't work out this morning. I was so tired from falling asleep so late, I just stayed in bed for as long as I could. Willpower doesn't exist before 10 am.

Mind/soul

Very happy with my bike, my place, how everything is slowly going towards where I want it to go. Life is good. Not waw or amazing. But good. And when you're coming from addiction and a bad relationship, good feels fantastic.

What progress did I make today?

Did some paperwork, some planning, tidied the entire place up, lots of small things that took time and effort.

What went well today:

Bullshitting with the colleagues and surviving work. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Not too much really. If I had a better job, it would have a better day. But my evening was okay.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Get something to combat the bugs!!!

Goals:

Enjoy the date with the Kindergarten Teacher. Try not to blow it. Be cool, calm and in control. Don't be nervous, there is nothing to fear. Be yourself and follow what your gut tells you. Stop and breathe for a second from time to time to put into perspective what you are unsure about. Just chill and ride the waves. You'll do great.

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Day 41

Today was a nice day. Work was fine. A colleague brought some amazing cake she had made. I'm basically doing two jobs at once nowadays because another coworkers is on vacation. So I'm challenged a bit more. It's still boring crap. But at least it's diverse and the stakes are raised.

I was nervous for the date. First it was kind of nervous and then suddenly REALLY nervous. Suddenly I realized that it wouldn't be like when I first started dating the ex. It would probably not be an entire evening of romance and odd things coinciding. Suddenly it felt like I knew it wasn't going to be amazing, and that I shouldn't settle for less. It wasn't going to be like her.

I realized that this was bad juju. I was getting cold feet and a part of me wanted to cancel. I'm still not sure if it was because I wasn't ready for a new thing. But it was just supposed to be drinks. Nothing serious. I texted just about every friend an ally I had. I ended up calming down. I tried not thinking of it as a date but as just a couple of drinks with a new friend. I also hate cancelling last minute, I wasn't going to be that guy. So I went through with it.

I enjoyed the build up. Getting ready, picking out the clothes. I'm an actor at heart so I love the process before going on stage. 

The date went fine. We had food and drinks and switched locations several times. I'm not sure if there's a deep connection but there's a bit of fun. She talked A LOT though. I have a lot of difficulty gauging the night. I'm not sure if there was any sexual tension or anything similar. I just went with all of it. We didn't kiss or anything. There wasn't any real flirting to speak of. But we did talk for about 7 hours straight. 

I guess I'll figure out how I feel and how I feel like it went tomorrow. At the very least, it wasn't a bad evening. Quite the opposite. 

I wouldn't have minded a kiss or something of the sort. She's really cute. But a part of me is also terrified that I'm rushing into things. I wonder if I'm dating too soon. It's not as if I'm dating with the intent of finding romance or sex. But it's also not as if I would exclude them. I guess it's a gray zone.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I lost a skeleton key to the company. After 15 minutes of panic I found it in a drawer. Dodged a bullet right there.

Body/health

Doing fine, to be honest. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Mind/soul

I was hella nervous today. My mind was going back and forth. I still think about the ex and the madly deep connection we had. If she had only treated me better... I truly hope she's changed. But I know it's a bad idea to go back to her. But what if it's not? I really, really miss her. My mind plays tricks on me and it's hard to maintain distance. I'm really unsure if I should contact her or not.

What progress did I make today?

Survived work, got something to fight the bugs with, went on a date and had fun, nothing amazing but nothing bad either.

What went well today:

Surviving work and surviving the date. The latter was not a mindfuck but it was a nice evening though.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Stress less, breathe more. I'm a bit of an overthinker sometimes.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to let go of it all and just be me. And be happy with that latter.

Goals:

Get a vacuum cleaner, a blender for smoothies, do the chores I had planned and help my friend out with his proposal to his girlfriend

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Day 42 & 43 & 44

I fell. 

I fell hard this weekend. I fucked up, you guys. - Slight warning, there is sexually graphic content here -

I had a productive Saturday. I know have a blender and a vacuum cleaner and I'll eat way more veggies and fruits now that I can liquify them. Everything from this point on has lead to the fuck up so it's a minor good point.

Ever since my cold feet before the day last Friday, I have had this urge in the back of my mind. I realized this girl was not going to be like Caren. There would be no familiarity, uncharted waters. No inside jokes and no guarantees of a good time. I felt awful for the kindergarten teacher. I was about to cancel, that's how strong that feeling was. I was afraid I would be moving too fast. It's been just over a month. That's too soon to date, I think. It kept fucking with me. During the next 48h I would get these urges, these tiny mood swings, these emotional waves. They would remind me of Caren and all the good times we shared. The laughter and the fun. Everything. I tried focusing on my rational thoughts. That there was so much bad stuff, I had to leave her. But the heart is a fickle and stubborn thing. I went from enjoying music and Taratino movies to "OMFG, I miss her!" and then back to "ooh, I love this song!".

That night, I went out with my friend after I helped him out with info about his proposal. We talked about rings, settings, words, ... It was great. I was happy to support and help him like that. We went to see a metal musician friend of ours perform. It was fun and great. Again, a couple of twangs of missing her. But I hit on a few girls and had fun. It was there that I felt myself get a bit more slutty, like I used to be when I was younger. I would hit on anything with a heartbeat. This is both a superpower of mine (I can strike up a conversation with just about anybody and be witty and funny) and my downfall (I will drop everything and everyone to talk to a hot girl, my priorities are screwed). I also told my friends about the feelings and the thought about the ex. They made me delete her number. I thanked them for it.

I went home that Saturday evening and realized it was only 11 pm and I lived in the center of town. A buddy of mine was going out and I joined in. A smoking hot woman hit on me, I had a cheery conversation with a milf, and then my friends and me? We drank, laughed, shared stories, smoked weed and hash, drank cocktails and whiskey, it was a beasty night! Throughout this all, the kindergarten teacher kept popping up. We kept texting and I went over to her corner of the woods to say hi. My friends caught wind of this and, drunk as they were, started following us around for shits and giggles. Eventually she left and I went to my buddy's home. I was drunk and high and they kept fucking with my phone. They had texted her and she had replied. The sly devils had arranged that I could go and spend the night with her. I basically flew away like a supersonic jet towards her bed. The night was okay, we didn't fool around, it was just nice and tender and warm.

The next day however... She had some muscle issues, vaginisms, so we didn't have sex. My dick went flaccid because of the pressure, excitement and the fiddling around with the condom and her too tight pussy. I never even was able to physically get in. My tongue however... She ended up cumming six times. Morning well spent, I'd say. The entire experience was like a hallucination. She kissed differently from the ex, her body was different, ... I did feel a bit slutty, though. Not long after that, the hangover hit me. I spent the better part of the day on the couch, watching movies and chilling out. Very suave day. I did end up calling my sister once again to talk to her about the urges. I told her that I had realized that I know the ex's number by heart. The thought of me being able to call her any second, broke something in me. Something that had been building up. She was obviously against it and talked me out of it. This was about the 9th time that I had called or talked to somebody to help me overcome an urge to call her or contact her. I didn't last the tenth and final time.

I was reading this story on Reddit about a guy with abandonment issues and his girlfriend who forgives him for the crap he pulls on her and he forgives her for the crap she pulls on him. I  read the whole thing. It was masterfully written. A couple of minutes I started writing my journal, this journal. I opened my laptop today and I saw the tab was still open. I had written 4 sentences. The last one was that I was being driven mad by the thought that I want to know how she's doing. 

That's when I called her. I wanted to hear her voice, joke around with her, feel our old connection still be here. We care about each other but we destroy each other. I realize now that this is exactly the relationship I have with my parents. They abuse me and teach me it's love, so I go looking for shit like that. I destroy what I care about. I'm a masochist, I think.

We talked about everything we could think off for an hour and a half. The last half had lots of dirty talk. Something in me snapped. I was done. I didn't want to work on this journal or meditate. I was tired and angry that I had to pour so much energy in so many things. Coping with the broken heart, living alone now, no parents to rely on and having to do and figure out everything myself, dealing with the fact that I have no patience and want all of my challenges to finish fast, the detox from games and porn, the picking up of new habits and hobbies... There are so many fucking things that were stressing me out. All of them were positive changes that I still stand behind; but it was too much for me. It felt like I had spent over 40 days building this gorgeous and well-crafted sand castle. And on Sunday I was so angry that it takes so long to build something so intricate and beautiful, I was so stressed because of the spent effort and the idea that it's far from over, that I wrecked it. I told her I was coming to her and to get ready.

I could have stopped myself or called a friend. I could have done a thousand things but I didn't. I wanted it. I wanted to crash, to feel the burn of shame and pain and regret. I wanted the sadistic bitch on top of my masochistic face. I wanted to numb everything and only feel sex. I wanted to flee from it all because it was so hard. And yes, I am proud and making big positive changes. But for one night, I wanted to say fuck those changes...

It wasn't even good sex. It was embarrassing and degrading. It was a bit sick. You can imagine a normal kinky couple saying dirty things like "I want you to call me Daddy." or "Fuck me harder". Her thing was "Tell me you missed me." or "Tell me you love me!". It felt like she was digging her claws into her prey. 

I am ashamed and embarrassed. I broke.

I went to the kindergarten teacher to tell her all of this. She deserved to know. I felt like it was the right thing. I told her about my addiction-prone personality, my parents and my fucked up way of dealing with love and sex and escapism and then finally I told her about my ex and the sex. She understood, we agreed we would remain friends but would not fool around. I am grateful. I just hope she doesn't ghost me. It would be well within her rights. I hurt her. Me not being able to deal with my shit, hurts others.

A painful lesson was learned. Don't listen to your dick. Never stop fighting the urges. Chill the fuck out and don't put so much pressure on yourself. Find a way to relieve that pressure.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had a great d&d-session. The shit of legends.

Body/health

No more hangover.

Mind/soul

Chaotic. Now I'm just tired.

What progress did I make today?

I fell hard. But I got back up.

What went well today:

Surviving work. Admitting everything to the kindergarten teacher

What I could have done to make my day better:

Be a more respectful human being and be more aware of myself and what I do to myself

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I'm not sure yet. But something will happen. Of that I àm sure.

Goals:

Don't do anything stupid. Go see my podcast friends. Do something useful.

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