TheCrystalLake

Day 732. What a number. I would have thought that i would celebrate the 2 years. But because of covid crisis its still not possible to go out and meet people. Last week has been kind of very rough for me and i think too for other people trying to stay off gaming. Literally caught in your home its hard to find anything beside cleaning and tv you can do. I really watch a lot of tv nowadays and i could barely pull myself from ordering a ps4 the other day. Still would be better than PC though cause i wont play online but still a way into the wrong direction. Cause Corona will end and so will my isolation. I cant really understand how i did this when i was still gaming. Not leaving the house. Not having social contacts in real life. Not moving. Day after day. Now iam really suffering from it and all i want is to socialise and even go to the gym. You realize the things you had when they are gone. Still i think thats also a good point. Its also a time to think. About what you really want from life and who you are. Who am I? Beside a mixture of always sleepy and hungry, i dont know .. ; P Maybe i will find out. Theres still 3 weeks left of the no contact orders the government did.

So back here for now to remind myself not to start gaming again. With corona around the block and a shutdown of all social places in my city from today on iam really at risk. Cause there is nothing i can do anymore.... no meeting people, no parties, no bars, no gym. Only work and my home. And what would be a better time for gaming than now. Iam nearly 2 years off gaming but thinking about it still gives me chills and i stillll have the urge to play, despite of allll the things i achieved in the past year, being it a new job, living in the city i love, a nice guy, new people in my life. Its never enough. Nothing fills the void like gaming did. Thats a fact. But i will stay strong. I must. Cause maybe there will be a time after corona.

Hello lovely community, its been a while i posted on here cause life has been really stressful and changed a lot since i quit gaming 1,5 years ago. So yes i didnt touch a game for that long. Never had the intention to do so but once i started i extended the 90 days to 180 and so on. So, the 1,5 years have really not been easy cause i had and still have to deal with a lot of psychic bs, found a new job, quit it again, moved to a very big city for a new job 1 month ago. And idk what it is. My life is pretty filled. I have hobbies. I dont have friends yet but some people to hang out with and iam very open when it comes to meeting people. And then, out of f****** nowhere i promise, it hits me. This urge to play again. And this happened the complete last half year. I even have dreams about playing...something i never had when i first quit games. So i have read quiet some journals here and i know craving is nothing super weird when you stop.. but after such a long time? Anyone else who has been off gaming for a long time experience this? Iam super scared to relapse, cause i know im my current situation not going out anymore and meeting people would be my social suicide. And i dont wanna be that overweight unhappy person anymore i have been 1,5 years ago. Anything i can dooo? I really dont know what cause i keep me busy, my job is demanding, i have some guy i see on and off, i dont even feel lonely .... But iam scared of myself and that b**** who just wants to sit at home and play ;((((

First welcome to the forums. It can be liberating being finally able to talk about the things that you are dealing with. We all are here for the same reason as you, we want to change our life to the better. Have you ever considered searching professional help for your depression? If you are suicidal you need to open up to somebody in real life who can help you. If you dont want to tell friends or family a professional would be good. I have been dealing myself with depression ect since i was 13, so i know how bad things can actually get. It could help you writing a journal here and starting the 90 days detox. This way you can look if and how your life changes to the better if you stop gaming. Its what helped me cause me too didnt want to stop all gaming. So i told myself, after the 90 days you can play again. 90 days can change your whole life. You are still so young. I know this sounds like typical grown up talk. But even if you dont see it now.. there is so much possibility before you you should not waste in front of a screen. You will never get back those years where you are able to decide so many things. Again. If you really feel suicidal please seek help. You are not alone.

I had a lot of withdrawl symptoms without first even knowing it were some... when i stopped from one day to the other i could not concentrate for about 3 weeks anymore. I forgot things i wanted to say 2 seconds ago, i became poor at spelling .. Additionally i was suffering from really bad insomnia for nearly a year. I was constantly nervous. I even fell back into selfharming behaviour again for a while. My depression and anxiety got worse. Slowly but constantly this all changed. I think the symptoms depend on various things. Some people may not even get them. But i think when you have been a really heavy compulsive gamer like i have been its normal cause the brain is simply not the same anymore and seeke the constant "high" just like with other drugs.

"You are not strong enough to withstand the storm" the devil whispered into my ear. Today i replied " Iam the storm" 374 days without gaming. Wow. when i think about that it sounds weird. But it feels good. Every day there are moments where i tell myself... you would not do this or that if you still would be a gaming zombie. You would not study a language, you would not go to the gym, you would not express creativity... And even though. Its. still.so.hard. Idk why... but the cravings dont go away. No matter what i do or with whom iam... there are those moments out of the blue where i think... omg... i so would want to relax with a game now... THE game... and drown. My goal has been the one year. First it was 3 months, then i extended it and so on. Now i dont have a real goal. You would think after such a long time life should be stable enough to not have cravings anymore. Its very weird. I would never want to go back to this time when i was still gaming. Yet i miss exactly this time despite the fact, that it did nothing for me, just stealing my life, my time, my friends, my shape, my hope. I hope that some day i will just grow out of this....

I have read a bit in your journal and i think the progress you made since starting here is great! You have goals and you know what you want to achieve. And i think its realllyyy good you do drawing. For me when i stopped gaming i started to write again which i literally stopped 10 years ago (not because of gaming) cause it was at least something i could drown in. And creating something instead of consuming is always good ? I found this link you shared to that nosurf article very interesting. I can relate to many things there, and i have noticed it myself while writing. Many times i cant focus longer than lets say 20 minutes, then i need to check on insta or facebook. Right now as iam writing this i see how horrible this is lol -_- Maybe im gonna read that book too mentioned there. What you wrote about your gaming friends i can also relate at least 80%. I have lost contact to many people from my old clans who i had very deep conversations with. To others iam still connected via FB or whatsapp. But many of them could not understand i really have a problem with gaming, so at one point i got tired talking about that. What is a problem to me is that even talking with those people about other things, rl things, is triggering me to game. Cause its people i got to know through gaming and spent to 19 hrs a day with in my worst times. So somehow you can be lucky you dont have them in your life anymore.... idk how its about triggers or maybe i overread it, so pardon me. Keep up the good spirit ?

Welcome to this community of lovely people. I think what you need is a cut. Since mobile gaming seems to be very much of a problem delete all games from the phone. Since you came here for a reason, many of us have started and fullfilled the 90 days detox and it changes your mind completly. For some people doing this is easier than for others, i think it depends on if you got someone having your back or not. So you have a little family, and thats even more of a reason to stop. Cause a father or husband whos constantly psychologically absent is the same as being physical absent and may harm your child when it gets older. And when you say you feel like you have not accomplished things. Thats not true. Cause in fact you made this exam even with your addiction plus you have your family. Thats more of value than money could ever be. I know... there is this thought of how life could be without having wasted so much time on games. But this thought does not help. If you stop now at least the rest of your life wont be wasted. I wish you the best of luck and strenght.

Yea maybe thats the reason. My brain is totally hooked on dopamin and there are times where i think soooo much about gaming that i can feel my synapses to shake lol... But idk... i miss of having something to absolutly drown into and not doing anything. Gaming always had very much of a relief for me. Sit down and starting to play was like breathing out all of the bad feelings i had and just deeeeeeply relax. Idk.. i wasnt able to find this feeling in anything else until now. Not meditation, not writing, not alcohol, not other drugs (kids look away pls, drugs are not good for you) so yea iam kinda lost and hope i can withstand the urge to play ? Thanks for your kind words ? Oh a fellow girl ? Well iam not having that much of a free time due to work and social activities... my problem is more this low energy level iam feeling so often and then i feel overhelmed by everything and dont want to go out... and i try not to give in like i always did when i was still gaming. But maybeeee i will take your advice and look at this list again, ty ? Idk how many days exactly i have now, i think its about 9 months shortly and yea... its christmas eve so i think its a good time to do a summary of this year. This night is also called silent night and this year it indeed made me feel very silent and calm inside. I think its this time of the year to look back on the year that has passed. Maybe thats a thing only older people like me do lol, but i thought i share my thoughts on this. This year has been a hell of a challenge for me. Starting with the earlier break from gaming end of last year i decided to quit the whole gaming thing after relapsing like a f***** junkie for 3 months straight. I knew it was my life or gaming. So yea, like this stupid anti drug slogan from the 90s i chose life. Without knowing that i chose something being absolutly broken. I had no job, no friends, depression and anxiety all over the place. So wtf. Why chose this. Cause gaming was worse than all this. Gaming was the illusion of having a purpose (job), friends (friends...), feeling happy (depression) and being strong and powerful (anxiety). And when the fog cleared from my head i saw what i already was fearing. I felt what i pushed away for so many years. That i was completly and utterly alone. Many of you are young and still live with parents or relatives. Or are maybe older and have their own families. But if you dont, then the only reason to get your shit together has to be yourself. So how you do this when you hate yourself so much that you wish you gonna die every morning you wake up. Simple. Every day you make a decision. Our every day life is full of decisions but for people who are addicted, may it be to substances or non substances like us, the very first decision every day is to not relapse. And maybe you make this decision various times a day. Iam sure some of you who were deep enough down into the hole know what i mean. So yea, thats how it all started. And i would never believe that i would make it until now without touching any game at all. i withstood all the temptations. So now iam here. I still am. During this year have been a lot of times where i thought i would not make it. But i think thats what i learned. I learned how to survive alone. Sounds dramatic, cause after all iam not living in a country where iam threatened by war or starvation. That would be another level f survive. I think i mean more of survive mentally. Not and never to give in. That the only thing being worth doing this for should be myself. And this one life i have. That being said i am very grateful for this fucking difficult year and what it tought me. For 10 years i did not feel as much joy and pain, laughter and tears, light and shadow than in this one.

So this is my first autum without gaming. And while summer was easy cause there was always something to do outside i feel like its very hard right now. You know its cozy inside and you dont wanna move out cause its sooo cold^^ So yes. A challenge is coming. And while time goes by and i read many stories from other people saying they dont miss gaming at all ect.. i cant agree for myself. I mean, i dont miss it 24/7. There are days i even dont think of it. But then iam constantly feeling so... disconnected from everything around me. I went to this therapist 2 weeks back and at least she did not laugh at me when i told her about my gaming problem.^^ And she gave me another appointment, which is rare at least if you consider the situation of getting a therapy here. So i hope something will improve again. Maybe iam too unpatient. Today when i was driving to work i asked myself why iam constantly feeling like shit. And then when i was digging more into my feelings and looked back on what has happened this year i recognized that life has become a lot better and its improving. So then i asked myself how shitty life has been before when this here was already the "better". Fuck this. Sorry. Kids, dont curse ? Its hard for me right now not to replace one addiction with some other one. I know its not good and that i should look out more for my health and emotional growth. I met a guy last week who was nice and we are going on another date on friday. So yeah iam a bit nervous right now and hope i wont drink too much cause iam shy af -_-

Wenn Du magst schau es Dir mal an, das sind 2 Deutschrussen die ne Youtubeserie machen und dort wird deutsch und russisch gesprochen... ist aber auch nicht jedermanns Humor.... ?

Hi and welcome. Your sentence above reminds me of a quote i once read: Recovery didnt open the gates of heaven and let me in. It opened the gates of hell and let me out. I know this void you are describing very good myself, i guess most of us here do. But you seem to have many goals you want to achieve plus deleting your accounts was a very good step as well i think so you dont get tempted. I wish you all the best ?

Sie ist eine sehr formelle Anrede, Du kannst Du sagen ? Es gibt eine sehr lustige Serie namens Ost Boys auf Youtube, kennst Du die? ?

Iam german. About what you want to chat? ? Btw i started to learn russian a while ago but its so difficult omg -_-

I quit about 7 months ago and there is still craving but i found out it is triggered by certain things. I have bought a laptop so i dont have to use my gaming PC for normal internet stuff ect. But there are certain times i need something from this PC. Sitting at it alone with my gaming mouse in the hand triggers me. I then start watching my gaming recordings. Then the craving comes. And i need a lot of willpower to shut this down. I am now thinking of maybe selling the gaming PC so i dont get those triggers anymore. What i wanted to say is, craving is normal and everyone has a unique technique which fits to stop it once you found out what works best. For me its eliminating the triggers so the craving does not have a chance to come out.

Thank you ? Thats what i try to do every day. But yes, there is a lot that can go wrong. The only thing between me and my PC is my will not to play. And we all know how weak ones will can be. But i try my best ? Thats nice ? Some encouragement now and then cant be wrong. Especially on days when like me today you are sick af and have to stay home with nothing to really do -_- Well i try to fill my free time with normal things other people do... like meeting friends, going out, reading, i have started learning a new language, i listen to music ect. Finding something to do is most times not the problem. Its more like the moments when you are sad and alone that i get tempted to play. I then have this thought like omgggg, it would be so nice to sit down now and play an hour. Like switching everything off inside the head and just go. Well. I think i wont though ? I plan on travelling the USA and canada in the future. Right now its always a matter of money cause i simply dont have any^^ I hope this soon will change and then life will get a bit easier ? Day 210 Yeah my sobertimer told me its 210 and i spent about 22 Million heartbeats without gaming. Thats a huge number ugh... Today was risky cause i am sick with some influenza and not able to go outside or to work. There is a new game out now which i want to play and just on my birthday next year a game which iam looking forward to for 2 years now will be released. But until then i think i will totally stay away from any gaming and not just from the heroin game cause i think it could still trigger me and iam not in a stable mood yet. Today i have finally made an appointment with a therapist in november and i really hope she wont laugh at me when i tell her about the gaming addiction or directly wants me to go into mental hospital like the last therapist i went to^^ I think my problem is that without gaming i am feeling all those feelings i numbed so perfectly. And its simply too much that is there. So iam in an neverending cycle of being overwhelmed and mostly depressed 90% of my time. But iam like fucking proud i didnt relapse once since march even though iam feeling like shit so many days. And so i think that just at one point i will be over it. That the urge to play will vanish completly at some point. And that i will be able to embrace happiness and wholeness in my life ?

Today its day 180. Its double the time i think i would make. When i started the 90 days i thought oke, lets try. I got nothing to lose. Now i see how much there was to win. And still after 180 days i feel the urge to play. But i keep going day after day without. Try to fill my free time with other things. But iam very unsatisfied with my life in general. I would like to travel and to see the world finally. Next year i will get.. well... very old. And i havent left europe on my travels so far. I feel like iam trapped in my life and this makes me weak to relapse. I think i will change job and city again next year. Iam not happy here where iam. It sometimes feels like the end of the world. When i came here i was running from my breakup and all the ghosts hunting me for years. So a town at the end of the world was perfect. But now that i want to get back into life this one is simply not the right place. Everyone has a family and kids here and this is simply not my way of living. I have known it all along since i was young that this family thing is not mine to have. I want adventure and excessive feelings and happenings. Maybe thats why iam so attached to gaming and other substances. Iam still reading "The realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate, which is an absolutly excellent book if you want to know more about addiction and how it happens, especially how the brain is involved in it. He also writes about non substance addiction, which makes this book even better.

This is a very beautiful picture! ? Maybe you need some other strategy to cope with stress, sports or meditation for example? Or maybe calling a friend or relative when you feel like gaming? You did good until the very end of the 90 days but it sounds like your progress is indeed a bit in danger. Getting out of gaming requires constant discipline and work for some, while others as it seems can do easier. Some are even selling their gaming equipment or they give it to a friend so its out of sight, maybe thats an option for you too?

Sounds like you had an awesome night ? And this "Suddently it all fell into place" reminds me of a quote i read a while back: Maybe things are not falling apart, maybe they are falling into place. ? Congrats to the 70 days.

Hey, first of all it sounds like you dont know exactly what you want to work as? Why you write applications for jobs you dont want? Now i have been there myself. Unemployed. Sad. Depressed. Gamed all day. But in fact it only gets worse when you do nothing. I am not very satisfied with my education cause its not really what i want to do in life. But at one point you simply have to make a choice. And believe me ANY job ist better than sitting at home and gaming all day. So at one point i simply took one of the jobs that was offered to me. It meant leaving my home for half a year and leaving the PC behind. And although i quit that job again in the meantime it was the BEST decision i made in the past 5 years. Cause it meant to break the routine of gaming, depression and feeling like shit. And i dont think your parents hate you... actually whatever you do unless they mentally disturbed, parents never hate their children. They are maybe helpless cause they see how you throw away your life although you apparantly have a good education. Something has to stop the downward spiral. And you are the only one who can do that. And you can.

Thats a very good point @seriousjay i never saw it that way. I dont have much patience at all but i think cause of the immediate satisfaction you get in a game this might have even change to the worse... But what you wrote about the couples seems... weird lol. My experience is that you want to see each other as often as possible. Still i agree on slowing down on many things and about what @Phoenixking said about being kind to ourself. Thats maybe the most difficult part.

Yeah you are quiet right. Its disturbing though how important such a virtual identity can become to ourself. Iam aware that this maybe just filled a void i had in my life, although i never completly lacked friends in real life. But what attracted me was to be part of a group and to be useful for a group too. I ofc now try to find that in real life and friendships and work but nothing so far gives me this feeling. And yea lol, i feel silly about it. I maybe have to keep on searching. Maybe i should not be so unpatient ?

Well.. i feel every day that i dont have overcome the problem cause iam fighting very strong against my urges to play every day. I think so too that @Phoenixking very precisly pointed out what interested me in videogames when they were just an ordinary hobby. I dont know why but i keep thinking that i could maybe go back to this point. Where i just played single player games for their story and their graphic. I didnt even play every day, sometimes not for weeks or months. It was just a simple hobby. But yeah iam aware that my brain is a bitch now and since it has experienced those dopamine rushes it wants more of it and always will want, and that even playing a single player game now could be different and dangerous for the process of recovery. When i quit i chose the 90 days off like many here did to see whats gonna happen. So now iam 5 months done and although many things have changed in my life to the better theres also still so much urge to play. So i set myself another goal now cause i seem to need this and extended the 90 days to 360 days. @Peluconus its not that iam not enjoying the real things in life. But i think you are very right when you say, we need to accept who we are. Maybe one day i wont be even sad anymore about all this. Idk. On some days it still feels like i have lost a big part of myself cause i had build up a certain reputation in my game. This is really silly ? Thank god there is this forum here with all you wonderful people ❤️

I have been asking myself the same for a while now. Its been nearly 5 months since i played the last time but being abstinent i learned is not the same than actually recover from the addiction. Actually cause of the fact i only lost control over one game and wasnt even interested in other games anymore during that time i think i maybe could handle it. But then maybe the triggers will be too bad. Maybe its the same like with other addicts to alcohol and stuff, you do one drink and its over again. Like you said when gaming responsible there only had to be a hard time and it was your coping mechanism again. I so wish this could be a normal hobby again, cause i loved just drowning in a story for some hours just like i do with books or writing now.

So i stopped counting the days since i quit gaming. I think thats a very good sign. This weekend i literally had the best weekend in 5 years. I went to another city with a friend for a concert and theres only one word for this: perfect. Everything was so perfect. The weather, the mood, the people, the music, the food, the city, the party we went to.... I would never have experinced this with my gaming routine. We met a friend there which i last met 2 years ago. She was and still is a gamer and back then we shared our stories about gaming and i was happy to meet someone like me back then. When we now met she told me that she did not recognize me anymore cause i looked so..i think she used the word stylish lol ? But i got to say.. when i look into the mirror these days i see a different woman. I think i can say i havent looked that good since about 7 years. So much has changed omg and i still hardly can believe it. I still have urges to play but mostly when iam in a stressed or depressive state of mind. But if i need one reminder to never be a gaming nerd again then it is this weekend. Quitting gaming was the best decision i made in the past 5 years. Its hard sometimes but its so totally worth it! Iam so thankful right now that there is this community and that i saw theres a way out of this and theres other people like me. I stopped feeling silly and stopped lying to myself about having a very very big problem. And slowly iam taking my life back ?