Mohammad's Journal

[Mohammad]

On 12/9/2020 at 8:57 PM, Jason70 said:

Yeah, for the past 10 months it's been like this. We would do our work and then our hobbies and then the day would end. In fact I have had the thought that besides quarantine, that's what every day has been like at least for people who don't live their life to the fullest and get stuck in a 9-5. Which is unfortunate. Idk time is weird, days are weird. We should just do our best to carve out time and make the most of every day. Also we have some promising vaccines that have been approved by countries so hopefully it will die down early next year?

 

This makes me happy

 

Best 

Jason

Thank you @Jason70. Yes, thankfully, the vaccine is getting us through this pretty quickly. 😄 

[Mohammad]

Day 53 to 57:

 

No gaming and no temptation. It's all good in the right direction.

 

 

[dasvira]

Keep on @Mohammad, best of luck!

[Mohammad]

Day 57 to 64:

 

I did not have any temptation in the past week. However, today, my bro sent me a message to see if I was up for a game. I have not been playing with him since childhood. The game he offered was a game we used to play 15 years ago so it was very nostalgic. I was tempted to play and said okay. I looked at some youtubes too. Playing with my bro won't probably make me addicted because that is a different game; not the game I am addicted to. However, I ended up watching some youtubes about the game I was addicted to and I was tempted to play it after I saw a new update has arrived; it is one of the biggest update in the past year. I remembered the last day that I decided not to game again. In fact, I had that feeling written in my notes, so I went back to my notes and read through them. My feeling was very horrible that day! I felt desperate and disappointed about myself. The horrible feeling of that day was present today, and saved me today.

I think I should make sure to read that note of my feelings every day to make sure that I do not forget how miserable my life can get if I come short resisting my gaming temptation.

 

 

 

Edited December 20, 2020 by Mohammad

[dasvira]

I also have problems adequating my commitment to change myself with my social life. Notably, I feel like if I am ever invited to watch TV, games or drink (only one glass of wine), I would do so even if not to be rude and look like I am judgmental. Internally, however, I would do my best not to get hooked on those things.

I wonder if your family and friends know about your intentions of quitting games?

[BooksandTrees]

Good job resisting the urge. I used to get caught up reading updates from time to time. It's not worth it. I think it's smart to write notes about your emotions. That's why I was telling you for the past year to write your emotions down in this journal. Some days I feel so upset about life and read through my emotions from years ago and see how much progress I've made. It's impactful.

[Mohammad]

Day 65, 66, 67:

On day 65, I played for an hour with my brother. I won't consider this a relapse because I played because I didn't want to say no to him, and it wasn't the game I am addicted too.

@dasviraNo, they don't. They know I have wasted a lot of time with gaming, but they don't know about my addiction.

I didn't really enjoy the game I played. However, I feel it is too risky to play again with him. I might got hooked in. I know it can trigger my addiction and I might ended up relapsing. Therefore, I will make excuse the next time and avoid gaming altogether.

 

Thank you @BooksandTrees. You definitely helped me out of gaming. The fact that you followed my journal and gave me valuable advice really was the reason I came back here and continued writing.

 

I did not play in day 66 and 67. In fact, I have been doing very well with my work and life in the past two months.

in total, I have read 13 books from Nov. 2019. The last book I finished a few days ago was "Elon Musk" by Ashley Vance. I loved the book. I am now reading "zero to one" by Peter Thiel.

I am set to get my PhD! Finally, I received permission to go to the oral examination on January 11th. I need to be vigilant; more than before!

 

 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Mohammad

[Mohammad]

68, 69, 70:

Unfortunately, I could not resist the temptation and I played with my bro again on day 69 and 70 for about two hours. I don't know what to do! I see that I am getting hooked again. I woke up today cleaning out the house to get some positive energy. I am going to go through my feelings and contemplate on my goals. 

It is really a bad time to relapse. I have to finish up my final thesis revision and defend it on January 11th! I am very scared of the situation! 

[Bugg]

4 hours ago, Mohammad said:

68, 69, 70:

Unfortunately, I could not resist the temptation and I played with my bro again on day 69 and 70 for about two hours. I don't know what to do! I see that I am getting hooked again. I woke up today cleaning out the house to get some positive energy. I am going to go through my feelings and contemplate on my goals. 

It is really a bad time to relapse. I have to finish up my final thesis revision and defend it on January 11th! I am very scared of the situation! 

Hi, I’m sorry to hear you are having a harder time today. Perhaps go back over what you wrote when you decided to quit again and try and keep those feelings close moving forwards. It’s ultimately your choice to count this as a relapse or not, but either way try not to beat yourself up, it happens! The fear is probably a good thing, it shows that you haven’t just given in completely, you are still aware of what you want and my bet is that you still want to fight for it, so keep fighting! Get right back into your detox and just focus on your thesis for the next few weeks to get you through, you can reevaluate after that. Good luck!

[BooksandTrees]

Sorry you relapsed. Have you discussed with your brother about your gaming addiction issues? If you have told him and he does not respect your issues with gaming then you need to cut him off for a period of time. I had to cut off everyone in my life who gamed until I was healed.

[Mohammad]

On day 71, I did not play. I had strong urge but managed to control it and focused on my thesis revision.

@BooksandTreesThanks for your advice.  Honestly, I do not blame my bro. He did not really persuade me. He just offered and it was enough for me to relapse. I think I might have relapsed anyway because I had some temptations in the last few days. I think the main reason is that I am off for a week and I know that I should rest in this short period of time. As such, I am thinking why not game for a few days and then get back to work like before. So my main problem is that why taking it too seriously if I can start a new detox after the break?

@BuggThank you for your message. I am clear about my goals. I know how important it is for me to become financially independent. Focusing on my goals, I managed to avoid gaming on day 71. About the fear, I think it is going away because after spending a day on my thesis, I realized it is totally under control. As such, I have no strong motivation not to game on my days off.

I think the main reason I am trying not to relapse is that I do not want to reset my detox! This is not good enough to block the temptation. It is clear why I am feeling urged to play (having some time to spare) and I found it hard to convince myself out of it. I am not resetting the detox for now because it would be easier to continue relapsing if I do so. 

 

Thanks and I appreciate your feedback on this.

 

 

Edited December 27, 2020 by Mohammad

[BooksandTrees]

18 minutes ago, Mohammad said:

@BooksandTreesThanks for your advice.  Honestly, I do not blame my bro. He did not really persuade me. He just offered and it was enough for me to relapse. I think I might have relapsed anyway because I had some temptations in the last few days. I think the main reason is that I am off for a week and I know that I should rest in this short period of time. As such, I am thinking why not game for a few days and then get back to work like before. So my main problem is that why taking it too seriously if I can start a new detox after the break?

I think it's important to realize what you're here for. Are you gaming for hours and having it prevent you from doing activities, working, seeing family, and bathing yourself/eating? If gaming is not interfering with your life in a detrimental way then it's not an addiction and maybe you're just upset you're not doing something more productive. Either way, give that some thought.

[Bugg]

Well done for getting through day 71 🙂 

I guess it’s worth asking yourself if you really do want to game on your days off? If you really do want to stop gaming?  I’m not suggesting that it is the right or wrong thing to do, and thinking of what @BooksandTreessaid about addiction, I’m not so sure it matters either way? If gaming on your days off would truly make you happy, then go for it, however, if gaming on your days off would make it harder to resist on the days you should be working, or will lead to feelings of guilt because there are other things you’d really rather do, then perhaps it is not so good. If that is the case then perhaps that is the motivation? Addiction or not though, if playing games has become a long term source of unhappiness for you, then continuing with your detox is probably a good thing. I haven’t read your whole journal but I’m guessing you came here for a reason, can that reason motivate you now? What made you begin the detox in the first place, what led you to this forum? 
 

I started gaming again around 70 days into my detox, a year later I had convinced myself I could live a productive life with games in it and bought another console, a year after that and here we are, I’m thinking of giving up games again. Had I continued without games in my life for those 2 years and had I exercised more self control in the other area’s of escapism, perhaps I would be happier and more fulfilled today, perhaps not, I don’t know. I don’t think I suffer an addiction, but I do use gaming as a crutch. I can go days sometimes weeks without gaming, but then I’ll spend days or weeks where all I do is game and afterwards I feel awful for it, and that leads to more gaming or zoning out in other ways. I don’t think my issue is an addiction, but I think I do allow games to have a detrimental impact on my life. The guilt effects my mental health, which makes it harder to enjoy hobbies and function effectively at work etc.

That’s just an example of where I’m at and I’m sure your experience is different, we’re all individuals, but I agree with @BooksandTrees, it’s definitely worth thinking about.

[Mohammad]

Thanks for your comment @BooksandTreesand @Bugg. Gaming is fun but it has some negative impacts on me. I feel lazy when I play. I was free for two weeks and I did only two workouts! That is bad enough.

I spent the past two weeks gaming for about 3-4 hours per day. I don't think it is detrimental, but surely, it is a waste of time. I could do something worthwhile with that 30-40 hours spent on useless video gaming. 

I got to start a new detox. I am happy with my 70-day detox and I do not mind to start over. 

 

For the better, here we go with a new detox as of Jan. 3rd 2021. 

I am having some urges for gaming, that is completely normal. I have to commit myself to the plan and continue writing here to be on track. I will do workout, meditation and read before going to bed.

 

 

 

[BooksandTrees]

27 minutes ago, Mohammad said:

Thanks for your comment @BooksandTreesand @Bugg. Gaming is fun but it has some negative impacts on me. I feel lazy when I play. I was free for two weeks and I did only two workouts! That is bad enough.

I spent the past two weeks gaming for about 3-4 hours per day. I don't think it is detrimental, but surely, it is a waste of time. I could do something worthwhile with that 30-40 hours spent on useless video gaming. 

I got to start a new detox. I am happy with my 70-day detox and I do not mind to start over. 

 

For the better, here we go with a new detox as of Jan. 3rd 2021. 

I am having some urges for gaming, that is completely normal. I have to commit myself to the plan and continue writing here to be on track. I will do workout, meditation and read before going to bed.

 

 

 

I agree with you. I just wanted to hear you say it. It shows you're willing to commit. 

[Mohammad]

I don't know what to do. I am not determined enough to start a new detox! I have played for about 2-4 hours everyday . I removed my steam account about a month ago to stop playing dota and now I am playing league of legends! LOL is even harder to abandon because my two brothers are also playing it! That reminds me of my childhood so there is quite of lot of positive feelings playing with them. However, I should do exercise and read books instead of gaming to be able to have a good night sleep and achieve long term satisfaction. Gaming at night makes me tired in the morning and it affects my productivity for the day. That is not acceptable so I know I gotta get rid of gaming anyway! It is just so hard to convince myself out of it and fight against strong temptation. I will try  to focus more on my goals and plans to be able to resist the temptation.

[BooksandTrees]

On 1/9/2021 at 10:12 AM, Mohammad said:

I don't know what to do. I am not determined enough to start a new detox! I have played for about 2-4 hours everyday . I removed my steam account about a month ago to stop playing dota and now I am playing league of legends! LOL is even harder to abandon because my two brothers are also playing it! That reminds me of my childhood so there is quite of lot of positive feelings playing with them. However, I should do exercise and read books instead of gaming to be able to have a good night sleep and achieve long term satisfaction. Gaming at night makes me tired in the morning and it affects my productivity for the day. That is not acceptable so I know I gotta get rid of gaming anyway! It is just so hard to convince myself out of it and fight against strong temptation. I will try  to focus more on my goals and plans to be able to resist the temptation.

It seems you're missing the camaraderie of being with your brothers and doing an activity. Keep searching for why you're relapsing. 

[Mohammad]

I am back after a month of relapsing. I spent the last month playing 2-3 hours per day. It was not detrimental to my life and I enjoyed playing with my brothers. However, I was not able to do workout and read books in the past month. I spend the whole day working behind my desk so I believe two hours of gaming per day is very bad for my health anyway. 

 

It is interesting that my brothers are quite similar to me! After I told them that I want to delete league of legend account, my older brother agreed and he immediately removed his account as well. My younger brother who does not suffer from gaming addiction only removed the game from his computer. 

 

Today was the second day without gaming. I did daily workout and read books. I am on track again 🙂

[BooksandTrees]

Excellent. It's a mutual struggle. Maybe them quitting will help you. Maybe you 3 can find a new activity. 

[Mohammad]

I have not been playing in the past 19 days. 

I am feeling tempted to play games again! The reason could be the long weekend! Not sure what to do now.

 

@BooksandTreesThat's a very good idea. But, what kind of online activities can we do together! I cannot think of any. It is fun playing together! But, I know it negatively impacts my life so I really do not know what to do about it. 

[Mohammad]

Day 20:

 

I played one game on day 19, but didn't play on day 20.

[Jason70]

On 2/13/2021 at 7:26 PM, Mohammad said:

I am feeling tempted to play games again! The reason could be the long weekend! Not sure what to do now

Urges are tough. Sorry you gave into one game. However, they are things we have to face, sit with them, realize they're there and   They will eventually pass. 
 

Take it one day at a time. One day at a time. Stay strong

Best 

Jason

[Mohammad]

I relapsed again and have been playing 2-3 hours per night in the past 20 days. I am feeling very bad about it. I have a tough deadline next week and due to gaming, I won't be able to make it. I am very stressed and not sure what to do. 

 

Also gaming every night kinda disrupt my sleeps. I am in trouble and can't really bypass this shitty gaming habit. when I don't play, I am bored yet very productive. When I play, I am kinda happy because it's fun but I am feeling very bad about my work and life. I am not spending enough time with my boy. I am not cooking and not cleaning my apartment. I hate this lifestyle!

[Mohammad]

On 2/16/2021 at 10:30 AM, Jason70 said:

Urges are tough. Sorry you gave into one game. However, they are things we have to face, sit with them, realize they're there and   They will eventually pass. 
 

Take it one day at a time. One day at a time. Stay strong

Best 

Jason

Thanks man for the support. I can't do it. I have been trying for more than two years and I am relapsing all the time! I am embarrassed and not sure what to do

[Mohammad]

I am back after seven months. I bought a high-end computer and monitor in March 2021 and totally gave up on quitting. Here is what happened:

I have been working 7.5 hours, five days a week, and gaming 3-4 hours every night. On the weekends, I have been with my son during the day and start gaming at nights. It’s been very upsetting for me since I am literally behind my computer most of the waking hours either working or gaming.

I feel very depressed and my physical health is deteriorating due this hectic lifestyle.

 

in 2020 that I was active here, I was going to the gym 3 days a week on average and I finished 12 non-fiction books. During my detox, I felt so happy and strong: in control of my life. This year, on the other hand, I have finished one book and have been to gyn 4-5 times a month on average.

This gaming disorder is killing me slowly. I need to stop it to gain my strength, motivation and happiness in life. The temptation is so hard to resist so not sure what I should do.

I am here again to give it another try because that’s all can do. This is my first day for a 90-day detox.