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Bugg

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Day 73

Craving The Sims badly, I won’t give in though. My mood has improved drastically and with it my motivation to eat right and exercise has also increased. Things are indeed looking up, finally. I think the improved mindset is luring me into a false sense of security with thoughts of ‘when these 90 days are over perhaps I will be able to play PC games and my DS in moderation’.. only time will tell if this is something I will explore or ignore. 

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Day 75

Feeling a bit rubbish again. I cant believe how far I’ve come and yet how close I was to gaming yesterday - and honestly if it wasnt for the accountability of the 90 days, I probably would have too. Progress is slow. 

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Well, today I reinstalled Sims and played for just over an hour before realising there was no fun in it. All of those cravings for something that ultimately I didn't want - and playing didn't solve any of my problems. The day is still crappy regardless, and now I guess I fucked up my 90 days too. *sigh* well shit. 

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Day 1. 

Starting the 90 day detox again. On day 75 I played for an hour, on day 76 I played for several more. Why? Self sabotage? I dunno. I gave in because I just didn't have the strength to ignore the cravings, I wanted them to go away and so in those moments I was weak. I'm getting straight back into the detox though. Yesterday I played more because ''I'd already fucked up, so why not play a bit more before starting over'' ... which was silly, but that's the excuse I went with at that time. Starting again today means no more days like yesterday.

What was going well? Drinking plenty of water. Writing gratitude, albeit not daily. Getting out of the house a little more. Socialising a little more. Finally seeking professional help for anxiety and depression, and getting some blood tests to see what else might be wrong. Playing guitar, albeit not often enough.

What was not going well? Motivating myself to do much of anything. Having really poor self-discipline. I stopped meditating frequently. I am still not feeling up to being social a great deal. My workout routine has been really hit and miss, my diet has been really hit and miss, my mood has been awful. I've continued to escape through Netflix and Youtube, my days off from work have become meaningless, and as a result when I'm at home I want to be at work, but work sucks and when I'm there I just want to be home, therefore, I am never happy. Coming in from work so tired I can't do anything. 

What needs to happen? Continue to drink plenty of water. Meditate daily! (Seriously, how is it I convince myself I don't have 10 minutes to spare when I can spend so much time mindlessly online). To be more mindful, in each and every moment, but especially in the tough times. Keep writing gratitude, daily if possible. To read more. To keep up with guitar. To keep trying to socialise more often. To watch far less Netflix and Youtube (giving them up entirely doesn't seem to work for me). To determine a workout routine that is achievable and that I can stick to, to find alternative cardio from jogging since that is causing too much knee pain at the moment. To stick to a healthy diet and not give in to emotional eating. To find a home from work routine that works. To improve self - discipline. 

I have work this afternoon and I'll be there all day tomorrow too, home briefly the following day but then back again. By the time my next evening at home rolls around I'll be exhausted. It is during this time things tend to fall apart, and on my days off when I just need to recuperate I struggle to be productive. Gotta work on this. 

 

Further thoughts. When I got to day 75 I was thinking ''Cool, only 15 more days and I can game again'' and then this lead to ''Whats the point in detoxing at all if you're just gonna go back to that, might-as-well just play now in that case''.. and thus, I played. I am struggling to imagine a life without games beyond the detox. There is clearly still part of me that cannot let go. I think I feel a sense of injustice, as though it's unfair that some people can enjoy the pleasures of games without problems, but that I cannot. But then what pleasure is there to be had in escape? Is it possible to play for fun without the escape? Will I ever be able to play for the simple pleasure of it? But do I truly want that? 

Edited by Bugg
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Day 5

It hasn't been a good day. I've watched a few movies, lay on my bed and watched the ceiling, lay on the floor and watched the carpet for a while, rolled around on the carpet for a while and contemplated how I got to this place... I'm frustrated that these meds aren't working and I'm swiftly losing hope, I'll give them a month then I'm at the doctors again for a review. I hate that I'm taking antidepressants now. I have a long and complicated history with prescription meds and my family, but I've hit a point where I'll try anything to feel better. I've spent a large portion of the last few weeks thinking of how easy it would be to hang myself given what I have around the house, and wondering how long it would take my family to get over the loss; but I absolutely hate feeling this way. I don't want to die, I just want feel normal. I'm utterly demotivated. Or I was. Then I remembered my Distress Tolerance Help Box full of miniature flashcards that I made a while back, and after looking over a few and completing a few tasks (putting on music, lighting an oil burner, dancing with my teddy <--lol) I finally feel a little better. I managed to eat a bowl of oatmeal and I'm contemplating something healthy for dinner in a little while. 
I wanted badly to game today, but I just keep thinking how vapid it all seems to me now, there really is no more appeal there. I still have a huge problem with Netflix though, and moderation does not work for me, like, at all. I want to watch The Revenant tonight, since it won loads of awards and stuff so I guess it must be good, but after that I'm gonna have to give up Netflix too for this detox to work properly. One thing that resurfaced (with a vengeance) after I quit games; my tendency to rely on food as a coping strategy, which then creates even more problems for me. Netflix further exasperates this as I seem to link TV with eating. To move forwards Netflix has got to go. And then the battle will inevitably be with YouTube; I can't quit that, I use it for guitar lessons and other useful stuff, but I must stop binge-watching content. Tomorrow I am resetting my timer to day 1 again, not because I gamed today, but because I spent so much time watching Netflix. 

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Day 0

Today is a new day zero. It would have been day 1 but I didn’t finish The Revenant last night so I still have 40 mins of that to watch tonight when I get home from work. I want to start off with absolutley no Netflix or Games so tomorrow will be Day 1. With YouTube I think I need to avoid it unless I need it for a specific reason, I need to ignore the cravings to open the page out of boredom and lonliness. I think a lot of the content I end up watching allows me to live my life vicariously, which is a habit I need to get away from. Less watching, more doing. 

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Hey! I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time lately, expecially the medications part. If you don’t mind a word of short&straightforward personal advice, my opionion is that after getting rid of Netflix you should stop using Youtube too. It’s not true you “can’t quit” it. There’s other ways to learn how to play the guitar, both online and offline. I suggest you the second option: why don’t you take lessons? That’s a social activity as well (expecially group lessons) that can help you cope with stress and/or boredom. (I play the guitar myself... I mean not really, I almost don’t play anymore, but I used to spend a lot of time in it).

On a more general level, I hope you can beat whatever is haunting you. You showed perseverance and strenght in the last months, I’m sure you can succeed if only you regain your confidence!

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@info-gatherer Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, perhaps you’re right, there are other ways besides youtube. I think I should give it up completley then. I have considered taking lessons but they are quite expensive, tho when I move up home in a couple of months I plan to take lessons alongside my mum (she’s just started learning and I’d quite like to go back to basics), she likes this idea too so we’ll see how that goes.

Yeah I really hope so too. Thanks again! 

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Soooo this is gonna be fun. I’ve finished The Revenant, watched one episode of Pokemon, quit Netflix and YouTube and now I’m sat staring out of the window with no motivation to do anything. I want to climb into bed, but thats a total waste of an evening so I won’t. I should do a workout but I feel ill thanks to the snacks I consumed as soon as I got in from work, I could go cook a healthy meal but I dont wanna eat anything else today due to the aforementioned snacks. I’ve written myself a list of daily reminders; drink water, meditate, gratitude, work out, guitar. I’ve written a list of things I wanna achieve; healthy eating, fitness, guitar and music, singing and theater, bird and wildlife identification/birdwatching, photography. Physically there is nothing stopping me from getting started on any one of these things (besides maybe some binoculars which I’m gonna request for my birthday).. but I’m sat here, with no motivation, feeling bored and lonely, and so I am typing this. I think I’m gonna go make a cup of tea and drink it mindfully (I’d like to spend more time with the ceremony of tea making), and then I’ll read my book for a while. It's not often I really commit time to reading, I end up picking my book up at the last minute and then I get frustrated when I can’t read for as long as I’d like, so this is a good opportunity for that maybe. 

Edited by Bugg
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Hang in there! I can relate to depression a little bit, it's horrible. Can't exactly give advice on that right now, BUT regarding youtube I might have a tip: You can keep off youtube completely while using a service to download certain things as mp3/mp4. For me it's very different emotionally to watch a video on youtube and to watch it pre-downloaded inside a media player. Those online websites download pretty slow anyways so you can't really binge-watch and you have no recommendations and such. So you can download tutorials for the guitar for example. I also download some self-help stuff as mp3 and listen to it as short podcasts while commuting. clipconverter.cc works good as long as you use adblock and learn to click on the right buttons :7_sweat_smile:

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@JustTom wouldn't that be dealing with the symptoms rather than the cause though?

 

Try some motivation clips @Bugg. I use Jocko Willink's Psychological Warfare "album", but I know people like Terry Lewis and The Rock also do some. You can get those on iTunes so you don't need to go onto youtube.

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@JustTom Thank you for the info but I think @giblets is probably right, I need to just stop with the content rather than finding new ways to watch it I think. I dont use vids for tutorials often anyway so I’m sure I can do without. I do occasionally use YouTube for music but then if I do that I’m generally not watching vids I’m just listening to it in the background whilst I do something else, so I think I have the self control to manage that at least. Thanks for the motivation clips tip, I’ll check that out on Itunes. I’ve had to stop with podcasts tho as I actually find it a little overwhelming after a while (i like space to think which music offers and podcasts dont) so I’m not sure if I might have the same issue with your idea. I’ve also come to the realisation that the only person who can truly motivate myself is indeed myself, so with that in mind I think it’s also poignant for me to stop seeking motivation from external sources perhaps. I dunno, just thoughts.

Day 1 

Had work, that went fine, came home and rather than going straight to watch vids to relax, which would have ended up with unwanted snacking too, I put my laundry away and prepared my evening meal right away. I’m making soup so it can just sit in the pan til I’m ready to eat, which will probably be pretty soon tbh... 

The thought of an evening without games, netflix or youtube is actually pretty daunting. Those things keep me company and without them things are just too, empty? I put some music on as soon as I got home from work which is so far working to keep me company, as it were. I could seek out actual human company but I am pretty tired from work, plus I wanna learn to cope independantly, otherwise I’m probably gonna end up relying on others too much. I’m also a total introvert, so whilst I do get lonely, I think this is more about the quality of my own company recently, rather than that of others. I generally really enjoy being alone, but perhaps thats because I always find ways to escape? Maybe I still need to find a balance.

Hopefully once I’ve eaten I’ll feel like doing something productive with my evening, but in all honesty, after a day at work that doesnt sound appealing at the present moment. I really need to find a home from work routine that works well for me. My morning routine is great now though and I had a great before bed routine last night too that I’ll try and replicate tonight. 

On a morning I wake up at 6.30am, I try not to snooze as I want to start my day with discipline, drink 300mls water (half of my water bottle), get washed, meditate for 10 mins, write 10 things in my gratitude journal, get breakfast, take vitamins and meds, drink another 300mls of either water or have a cup of tea then shower if needed early and get dressed. If I have time before work I’ve started putting on some mascara and lip balm which makes me feel as though I’ve made an effort. If I don’t have work til later or if it’s a day off I’ll do a workout and shower after. 

I try and get thru another 600ml bottle of water by lunchtime, and then if I can drink one more through the rest of the day I consider that a win. I usually go over though and finish up the day just above 2000mls.

On an evening I try and read from 9pm if not a little earlier, it’s bedtime at 10.30pm. I often have a hot drink at 8pm which I really enjoy, last night I lit a candle and had my solar fairy lights on, but that cant be truly appreciated with the reading light on so I turned that off and decided to listen to music quietly before bed for half an hour, I really enjoyed that so I’m gonna do it more often. 

Just gotta settle into a good home from work routine now...

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Not long after my last post my housemate came and asked me if i wanted to go for a drive with her and a few of our friends (thats pretty cool since I’ve been feeling like we’d been drifting apart recently and we used to be best friends). I said yes which I almost certainly wouldn’t have done if I’d been watching stuff online or gaming. We went out to the moors and I climbed a really big rock - which was awesome for me as I have a fear of heights, so it felt great to try and overcome that, I climbed barefoot too which felt really primal :) - and we stroked some wild ponies and foals which were so fluffy and adorable :p Then we got coffee and chilled back at our mates place for a few hours. I felt totally at ease the whole time which I think shows my meds are working on my social anxiety at least. Anyways, just got home and I need to goto bed soon (past bedtime but not sleepy)  but I just wanted to update. I socialised, I feel great, it didnt feel like this huge waste of time like it used to (I would try and spend time with people and constantly worry that I could be spending that time working through the neverending list of games I ‘needed’ to play, or the video’s and tv I ‘needed’ to watch). It was nice to realise that in reality I didn’t need to do anything tonight but be present and enjoy the company of my friends, which I did, and it was awesome. :) 

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Day 4

Got home from work and had a little snack, which I told myself I wouldn't do but I was just soo hungry. Then I cooked and ate my evening meal. Work was ok, but I'm totally shattered now. The 24 hour shifts are destroying me, but then tonight marks the start of an 11 day holiday, woohoo!! Today is supposed to be arm day on my workout rota but I'm just so tired, hopefully after an hour or so rest I will feel up to it - even if it's a short session, better that nothing right? I'm really craving games, but then when I catch my thoughts and really think about it, I don't actually want to play anything. I sat and wondered; ok, so if I was to allow myself to play right now, what would I play, what would I really enjoy playing... and the answer? Nothing. I wouldn't be able to sit and truly enjoy any game right now. All my old favorites I used to enjoy I've already completed so I see no sense in playing them again, like I used to, and anything new coming out, well it's all just the same really. I feel like I've had the experience, and now it's time to do something new. 

I'm massively craving to sit and watch something though, particularly anime. Perhaps it's the bright colours, or the quirky characters, or the art style, music, probably a combination of it all, but all I wanna do right now is sit and watch some anime. I'm so tired that I don't wanna have to concentrate on anything, but I know if I allowed myself to watch something I'd just end up glued to it for the rest of the night, and it's only 6pm. I'm also really wanting to eat sweet things, probably a dopamine thing. I'm just bored, and tired. 

I did an interesting exercise the other day that I'd like to share. It helps you to get in touch with different parts of yourself that are often conflicting, experiencing how each one feels in the present moment. It feels a bit crazy at first, but it's weird how effective I found it, especially moving between the different seats. You place out 3 seats (I just used 3 different spots on the carpet) and you position them in a circle facing inwards, label each seat; The criticizer, the criticized and the compassionate observer. Now, go sit in the seat of the criticizer, think about an issue that you've been giving yourself a hard time over (i.e: telling yourself you're too lazy, too fat, don't try hard enough, a failure, not good enough, etc etc). When you sit down express out loud what this self-critical part of yourself is thinking and feeling. Eg: ''I hate that you're always late and you don't plan ahead''. Notice your tone of voice, posture, what sort of language you use and how you are feeling.. angry, worried, exasperated? 
Next take the seat of the criticized and, out loud, speak to the criticizer and tell them how you are feeling, how do they make you feel, eg ''I feel so hurt by you, I feel unsupported'' .. Speak whatever comes to mind. Notice your tone of voice, body language, posture, how are you feeling? Sad, nervous, childlike? Conduct a dialogue between these 2 positions for as long as you need to. I found it really helpful to go back and forth a few times. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself. Allow each to fully express your views and be heard. I was quite perturbed at how much my emotions fluctuated between the different seats.
Finally, sit in the seat of the compassionate observer. Using your deepest wisdom, all of your compassion and caring concern, address both the criticizer and the criticized. You may say to the criticizer ''I understand that you are frustrated, and that you are only trying to help'' or you may say to the criticized ''it's ok to  feel upset, it must be really difficult to listen to this every day''. As the compassionate observer try and relax and let your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth, what is your tone of voice; gentle, kind, understanding, warm? Your body posture? 
Continue the dialogue until you feel like it has ran it's course, take as long as you need. 
Now, take some time to reflect. Have you discovered any patterns in your thinking? Perhaps any new ways ways of thinking about a situation that are more productive? As you think about this, set your intention to be kinder to yourself in the future. ''A truce can be called in your inner war, peace is possible, your old habits of self criticism don't have to rule you forever. All you need to do is to listen to the voice of compassion that is already within you - even if it is sometimes a little hidden''. 

I really enjoyed the exercise above and hopefully someone else will find some value in it too, it really helped me. I found it online at http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

For this evening I really need to motivate myself to do something productive. Perhaps I will read through my camera manual and learn a few things. 

 

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Ahhh poop. 

I decided to have a bath to unwind and kill some time, did that and still felt really tired so ended up on social media for a little while before snacking again and then settling into my book. But, then I somehow ended up on Youtube. I just drifted onto the app, and before I knew it I’d watched 2 vids by a couple of vloggers I follow. *sigh* I think this is a loneliness thing. I think I might just stop trying to count days as I dont seem to have a very consistent level of motivation/commitment at the moment. At the very least, I am able to avoid/generally not be interested in playing games all day now, so I guess I’ve made some progress.

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This is a long overdue update just to say I’m currenly gaming again. After that relapse it was really hard to stop, then I made a new friend and we spent a few days gaming together - it felt great. I know I should stick to my guns, and I remember the reasons I wanted to quit in the first place, but through this detox I learned that my problem is less about games and has more to do with escape in general. As soon as I removed the games I just replaced them with something else. I’m gaming, but I’m working on the escape side of things. If I can overcome that, I can game in moderation, Hell, I’ll be able to do anything in moderation. This is only a goodbye for now, although I’m not currently a ‘gamequitter’ I’ve come to enjoy this process, and this community, so I’ll be back with an update at some point, and may even be back to quit again if this doesn’t work out. Took me a while to post this, felt kinda bad about it, but I owe you all, and myself, the honesty. And for those of you who are quitting, best of luck guys :) xx

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  • 2 months later...

Bugg's back for a quick update. 

I've finally moved up North, feels like starting again; looking for a job, a house, n all that stuff. 

On the game front I really haven't been playing that much at all. I'd say on average I might game a couple of hours a week? Since I did the detox it just doesn't hold me the same way it used to, however a cold-turkey quit just didn't suit me long term.. I really enjoy being able to play a little, and it's pretty cool that it doesn't seem to be addictive like it once was. I'm ever mindful though, if this is a part of who I am and I allow that to be the case then I do need to pay close attention to how much time I end up spending on it. 

But yeah. That's it really. I did the detox, I failed before the 90 days, but here I am, gaming in moderation. Who'd have thought it :O 
I know that's not for everyone, but I sure am glad it's working for me <3 

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  • 2 years later...

How long has it been? Just over 2 years. So much has happened, personally and in general. What a ride. All this time I've kept reading the emails Cam sends, I knew I'd be back at some point.

When I moved back up North just before my last update I didn't own a console, but I got into a relationship with a gamer and ended up really craving that escape, so I bought another ps4, and I've continued to play sims on PC too - Sims; I still can't fathom how something so mindless is so addicting to me.. living vicariously perhaps.. but here I am, now 30 years old, and still gaming and feeling bad for it. I'm debating giving up again, but some part of me still doesn't want to. It reminds me of when I tried to give up smoking weed a long long time ago, and I was grieving the loss before I had even stopped. As it happens, I started smoking green again during that 'gamer' relationship in late 2018/2019 .. I wrote in my own journal a lot during that time, about wanting to quit smoking and not being able to again. I did manage though, I haven't smoked for well over a year now. The experience reinforced my understanding of how I manage my emotions, and my inability to moderate. That relationship didn't work out either, but we're still friends. My grandmother passed away in 2019 and I gave up alcohol for a year in her memory .. it was a really interesting time and I am really glad I did it. I barely drink these days, I find it negatively affects my state of mind for some time afterwards. Sometimes I miss it, but not really. I don't miss smoking. When I don't play games though, I miss those a great deal. I'm really glad I did Respawn way back when as well, even though I guess it didn't work out in the end, I still learned a lot. 

I moved back in with my parents when I moved up North, I'm still living here. I'd gotten a job I liked, but it wasn't full time. I kept it for nearly 2 years before leaving for something else that was full time, but that didn't work out, and now I'm unemployed, which is definitely fueling the escapism. Mum decided to get herself a ps3 during the lockdown, she's really loving Skyrim, but it's weird how much of myself I can see in her. A least she does other stuff too, and she's back at work now so gaming less. My step dad plays it too (they had both never really played before and so it has been entertaining to see them learn how), but he plays all of the time. He's not working either, so if he's not gaming he's sat watching TV, it's a stark reminder of a life I don't want to live. 

On a positive note, I've been learning piano for around a year now, I was inspired by an anime and I decided to dig mums old keyboard out of the loft. I enjoyed it so much I bought myself a lovely electric piano in April, and last month I sat my Grade 1 exams.. I got a Distinction in Music Theory and a Merit for the Piano exam. I am immensely proud of myself, and conscious of how much more quickly I can develop my skills if I spend less time mindlessly. I've continued to play guitar too, and mums learning as well so it's been nice to play together. I use the term 'mindlessly' rather than just 'gaming' because I am fully aware that my issues are not through gaming alone - it's escape in general for me, and being able to moderate that. Reading a book is considered an achievement in my eyes.. (though I have also hit my 20 book reading challenge this year, so that's a plus!) When I don't game I watch too much Netflix, I use a relatives account so there is still no financial incentive not to, plus I know if it wasn't for the compulsion to 'clear my watchlist' I'd be glued to Youtube instead anyway. It really bugs me how much this stuff bugs me .. how 'first world' all of these 'problems' are. And yet, I still cannot commit to living the life I truly want to live. A sustainable, minimalist, truly present and mindful life. It's like I want to be two different people, all at once.

So, I have a plan. A small plan, but a plan none-the-less. I guess it's a mini respawn. And somewhat of an experiment. I haven't decided that I definitely want to give up games again. Part of me feels as though I should, but then as I know it's only part of the problem, I need to go deeper than that, and if I can get to the root perhaps, just maybe, there's a chance I don't have to give up. (Where have I heard that before.. )

Well, anyway, in January I'm self imposing 30 days of no TV, no games, no Netflix, no YouTube, no Social Media. (I do use YouTube for Yoga, and I do plan to also complete a 30 day Yoga program alongside this, so that is the only exception). I'm not worried that I won't have have the self control as I know I can easily accomplish this, and I am even quite excited, but I am already thinking of what comes after. I am keen to see what comes up throughout January, what I can accomplish, what routine I fall into, what habits may begin to form - for better or for worse. I know very well by now that when one crutch is removed another so often falls into place for me, but my eating disorder is well in remission now and whilst my mental health has been a little unsteady I am generally coping ok (and not currently medicated) so .. yeah .. just interested to see what happens. 

I actually didn't plan to post anything here today, I was just checking through my emails and I'd saved a Game Quitters one as a gentle reminder to myself, I figured I'd log in and I found myself re-reading my old posts, so I just decided to make another entry. 

I probably won't write in here through my 30 days, I feel that would be counter productive to reducing my screen time, just another form of social media, but I will still be reflecting in my personal journal, and perhaps I will update sometime afterwards. Perhaps I will decide to give up gaming for good (the thought of ever selling my Pokémon games still makes me feel sick.. ), there's obviously still a part of me that wants to otherwise why would I have kept a thread of connection to this community. The rebel in my brain screams 'Why should I have to?? Why should I have to give up something so beautiful!? It's there to be enjoyed!!'' .. it's like a quiet tantrum in my mind. But I know that just because I can, does not mean that I should. I truly do not know what to do as far as the gaming decision goes, so for now lets just get January out of the way. 30 days isn't enough for a true detox I know, but I have to start (again) somewhere.

Oh, and I hope everyone has a truly Merry Christmas, however we end up spending it. (That is of course if anyone else even reads this rabble).

Edited by Bugg
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