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10 hours ago, Canaus said:

SHello your journal for the past 30 days has been quite inspiring and has given me courage to face the emotion hurdles which lie ahead.

I once went without eating any food for 18 days and relying only on salted water and vitamins and found the best way to deal with my cravings was to go to op-stores. I cannot recommend enough checking out at least 2-3 stores in your vicinity you won't believe what second hand goodies you'll find. Since I'm into role playing games (DnD and such) I have found a plethora of adventure books from the 80's and 90's which I've scavenged the maps, illustrations and ideas into my own games. Some of my great finds include a perfect leather back copy of Lord of the Rings with all the super detailed maps and appendixes, a painting some guy did of Xena the Warrior Princess in 2003 for his university art assignment, some ye olde looking tankards, a miniature samurai suit, model race cars, some kitten paintings and a heap of books about the Napoleonic wars. May I also add to this soon to be gigantic block of text investing in a vinyl player if your finding yourself with big blocks of time to spend. Just, sitting back on a comfy chair and listening to your favorite album can also be incredibly relaxing and fulfilling too.

How are you going to celebrate Day 30?

I’m really glad my journal has given you inspiration :) I’ve never heard of an op-store, is that the same as a charity or thrift shop? I do really need to remember to listen to music more often to just chill out. Thanks for the suggestions :)

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Day 30.

Officially one third of the way through my detox. What have I achieved so far? Well, I’ve let go of a significant part of my life, that in itself I think is a huge accomplishment. It is true that in letting games go some other less desirable coping strategies have resurfaced, but ultimately this has only cemented my resolve in working towards improving my life and wellbeing, so that those coping strategies won’t be needed. I’m working on developing healthier coping mechanisms. This is a journey. 

@Canaus What am I going to do to celebrate? To be honest I don’t feel much like celebrating yet, things have been far from ideal and so I will save the celebrating for when I am feeling a little better about my progress. 

Today I am really feeling the urge to game quite intense. I miss games. There is an aching in my chest, a longing for that feeling of mastery - to feel as though I am good at something. I know this is because I haven’t been really achieving much else in my life lately. I think one of the reasons I managed to game so little whilst studying was because I was gaining this sense of accomplishment from my good grades. I found it hard to write gratitude today, it took longer than usual. 

I am learning a lot about myself through this process... or rather taking things I already knew but being able to piece them together into the bigger picture. It’s interesting. 

I’ve become aware that I need to learn how to accept helpful insights from others. I have a terrible habit of automatically diving into all the reasons why that solution is ‘not for me’. Instead I should learn to just say thank you. Whether or not I find something to be useful right now, it may be one day, and constantly thinking of all the reasons ‘why not’ automatically dismisses it in my mind. I do it here on the forum, in real life, even in therapy. I can be so quick to dismiss suggestions from others, and I really do not like this character trait in myself. 

With regards to working out I’ve been experiencing a total lack of commitment. Today was my first session in a week. I’ve been similar with guitar and German too,   I need to further develop my skills in self discipline. I think perhaps with working out I sometimes set my expectations to high, if I expect myself to work out for an hour this can be off putting, so instead I’m setting a goal for at least 20 mins per day. That is achievable and not so off putting, after all, it’s not like I’m trying to be a bodybuilder anyway, I just want to be a bit healthier. I like Joshua Fields Millburns goal (The Minimalists) of working out 18 mins per day. He does that because it’s realistic to him, I need to set goals that are realistic to me. I’m introducing the goal of having a tbsp of apple cider vinegar each day, in an effort to regulate my insulin levels and curb food cravings; an experiment if you will. These food issues are really getting me down but I know that when I can stick to a workout routine this makes healthy eating easier for me. Lately the loop has been to binge on an evening, then feel so ill the next day I don’t work out, and so the cycle goes on. Today I worked out despite feeling ill, I’m trying to break the cycle.

So it would seem my 30th day is a day of reflection. A day for summarising. A day for moving forwards, past the problems and moving onto solutions. 

Gratitude; 1. Friendship, 2. Raindrops on the window, 3. Optimism, 4. Determination, 5. Control over my own life, 6. New ideas, 7. Help and support resources, 8. Kindness, 9. Patience, 10. Understanding.

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Day 30 update.

Goals achieved: plenty of water, meditated, gratitude, did a workout, played guitar, practiced German, drank ACV. 

I have work later today until tonight so for now I’m gonna chill a little. I intend to read before bed this evening, I won’t be able to comfort eat since I’ll be at work but I have packed a sensible supper to have. 

Currently I feel peaceful. I had a little chat with myself. I recognise my life currently lacks anything to drive me towards my passion; eg animal welfare or environmental sustainability, and this is causing a constant state of anxiety and dissatisfaction, guilt even. However I also realise that my current temporary situation very much prevents me from committing to any endeavours of this nature. And so I have let myself off the hook, for now, I know that once I have moved up north in August I can begin that journey in earnest, for now I am focusing on recovery and self care, as those things are important too. I am happy that I have achieved most of my goals for the day. 

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6 hours ago, Bugg said:

And so I have let myself off the hook, for now

Letting yourself off the hook with your passion? There's nothing you can do, even a little bit?

I wouldn't recommend looking for sources of "drive". It's not always going to be there. But as you work, your passion will grow.

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16 hours ago, JSmith said:

Letting yourself off the hook with your passion? There's nothing you can do, even a little bit?

I wouldn't recommend looking for sources of "drive". It's not always going to be there. But as you work, your passion will grow.

Yes, for now at least I am. I need to volunteer as my next step, and my work rota makes that pretty impossible, no-one will accept me as someone who can only commit to one day every 3 weeks, and that wouldn’t serve me very well anyway. I work full time and have to frequently cover overtime on top of this, I don’t have the time to commit to volunteering. If I wasn’t planning to move soon I’d look for a new job to solve that problem, but at this late stage there would be no point. I am doing all I can at home to further my knowledge and keep my passion alive through research and documentaries, I have emailed some old contacts in the area of local sustainability to see if there are any opportinitues I could be a part of, for now that is all I can do. 

You’re right, I think drive was the wrong word, what I meant was that I am not making any significant progress in moving towards the goals I am passionate about.

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Day 31

Got in from work this morning, have to go back this afternoon, have spent my free time eating healthily and preparing my meals to take to work. I also did a work out which I am proud of. Constantly feeling as though i am not good enough is getting me down, I’m trying to deal with it as best I can. I did gratitude, but I’m a bit rushed currently so I’ll skip posting it here.

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Day 31 update

I’m feeling unhappy with myself for sharing so much in my journal, I feel that journaling here has caused me to neglect journaling in my own private paper journal. I appreciate the support here, but also sometimes I think it is better for me step back and just analyse my thoughts without input from others. I have deleted some previous content. Moving forwards I will continue to journal, but I will likely keep a little more to myself. I’d rather not justify this decision to anyone else, I feel it is the right thing to do for me, and that is enough. Sorry. 

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Yea.. I've shared some stuff in mine that sometimes did feel like too much, but I figure why not? It felt good to get it out there. But yea, its different for everyone. I don't think you have to apologize though its your journal :P

congratulations on 30 days! :)

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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Day 32

Today has been ok, work was fine, mentally I feel well but physically I am tired, and I think I am coming down with a slight cough/cold. I hope it will pass soon. Still having cravings to game, still resisting them. I just keep reminding myself of my reasons to have given up in the first place. I have decided I am going to get rid of my Tv too.. I just have no need for it anymore. I’m really enjoying my daily meditation practice, even if it is a little hard to just sit sometimes, I get so restless. I also really enjoy keeping a daily gratitude list, the birds feature on it regularly, and my family of course. My mum just bought herself a guitar, we are both looking forward to me teaching her a few things when I have moved closer, and then for us to be able to jam together. German practice is going well, although it is hard work and slow going.

I worry about a close friendship of mine, it was based a lot on playing games cooperatively together, that person still wants me to be able to play games with them after my detox, but I feel this is not good for me, I worry about the future of our friendship, but what will be will be. 

I still feel as though one day I will return to my pokémon games, I envision a future where I do not own a console but I play the odd game on my DS. Only time will tell whether or not this will indeed be the case. I don’t know why I cannot let go of this at the present time.

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Day 33 Quick morning update.

I have a bad habit of using tech first thing on a morning when I’m not feeling my best mentally, I should work on that. But alas, I’m posting because I had a nightmare about relapsing, I dreamt I’d forgotten I was doing a detox and then about an hour into Horizon ZD I remembered, I was of course really disappointed in myself. Woke up feeling a sense of relief, but then I remembered the actual relapse going on in my life at the moment, unrelated to games, and I figure that’s probably where the nightmare came from. Gonna do some chores today, meet my goals, and offer myself some compassion. 

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Day 33

Today has been a bit tough, struggling to deal with things, having issues with self control and motivation, poor coping strategies for negative emotions. I was at least able to recognise a specific trigger today, so hopefully that knowledge will aid me going forwards. I’m feeling low, frustrated, disappointed in myself. It’s as though trying to be compassionate to myself just ends up with me making excuses not to do the things I know I should do, otherwise I allow myself to do things I know I shouldn’t. It’s 9pm and I still haven’t meditated for the day, that’s supposed to be a morning goal. I practiced my German but didn’t play guitar. I’ve spent a ridiculous chunk of my day online, watching YouTube or Netflix and being generally unproductive. I often use YouTube to try and inspire myself out of a slump, I watch a lot of self-improvement type stuff, but ultimately sitting and watching a video isn’t gonna change my life, I need to be an active participant in that process, not a spectator :s I’ve written out a specific plan of action for tomorrow so I can hopefully get back on track. I think this is gonna take a lot of forcing myself to do things; listening to my own voice of reason is proving easier said than done. I’m trying to remain positive. I finished Respawn today, even that took longer than it probably should have. I’ve given up games, but frequently I find myself filling that void with other mindless entertainment. There’s plenty of stuff I can be spending my time on that is more worthwhile, but I still lack the motivation to just get started. I did such a short workout today it was barely worth it. I’ve low energy, I feel listless, I’m just drifting. I don’t want to drift. I’m finding this difficult, but then I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Tomorrow is another day, I just hope I can get a decent nights sleep. I think I might not set an alarm tomorrow, I wonder if letting my body tell me how much sleep it needs might help. Not sure whether that’s gonna be helpful or not, but I guess it’s worth a shot. Another day off work tomorrow, let’s make it count. 

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3 hours ago, Bugg said:

I often use YouTube to try and inspire myself out of a slump, I watch a lot of self-improvement type stuff, but ultimately sitting and watching a video isn’t gonna change my life, I need to be an active participant in that process, not a spectator

This is often so understated. Very well said. I struggle with it myself. We all have to become more of a producer than a consumer. Especially when we already know everything we need to know. Watching this kind of content can give a false sense of achievement, which makes us feel good and that's why we keep watching. It's like a subsconscious excuse to not take action. Very dangerous. 

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@Bugg

Hey Bugg, been following your journal for some time now! Just wanna say I think your doing amazing, regardless of how your feeling, down or up, your are accomplishing what you set out too accomplish! I have been back and forth relasping the last few days, feeling up and down, but you have managed to stick to your resolve which is an incredible feat! I think motivation will come with time, as you explore new things and find purpose, I have a tattoo that says "He who sweats more in training, bleeds less in war", I have always thought of growth as growing pains. Part of addiction is a recognizing the void that it once filled up, the void was always there but now that your growing your next step is healing through it, and you can do it! Look how far you've come! Great job! Any advice you could share with me about how you manage to keep yourself away from the games would be appreciated, I would love to make it to the 30 day mark! 

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@AssellusPrimus It makes me happy to know my journal is providing a source of inspiration for others. Sorry to hear about your relapse, but I congratulate you on your honesty, and you’re still here - that’s great. Just keep trying, you’ll get there! Have you identified what went wrong this time so that you can recognise that earlier next time?

That’s an amazing quote, I feel like displaying it somewhere in my room for a while! Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot.

Hmm advice.. I think I’ve just known I wanted this for so long, that finally doing it is such a breath of fresh air, with each day I succeed I am inspired to carry on. That being said, if I hadn’t sold my PS4 then I’m not sure I’d have managed to go this long. But after making such a big decision to sell that, a big part of me let go of gaming in the process, without having that link to the past I’m finding it easier. I was never a big PC gamer anyways apart from sims, and now I am able to clearly see the irony in wasting my life away living a literal virtual one, I just can’t bring myself to waste time on that any longer. I get big cravings to play sims still, but I just find something else to do until it goes away, cravings can be intense but they always go away eventually, you just need to learn how to cope with them in the moment. Unfortunately for me a lot of this time is spent on YouTube or Netflix, which is another bad habit I’m working on. The only big craving I often struggle with is for my DS and Pokémon as it’s still really accessible to me and I can’t seem to let go just yet. When I get those cravings I reminds myself my DS will still be there if I want it when this is all over - I’m still not sure yet if I will actually play my DS again though. I guess it depends if it becomes a problem behaviour, and only future experimentation can show me that. I guess my biggest issue through this detox has been to replace gaming with other unhealthy sources of that dopamine hit, I’m not out of the woods yet so to speak. 

Good luck on your journey!!!

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It’s always hard to let go of your past. I can relate to your gameboy nostalgia. But when I really look into it, I find that what I miss are the sweet childhood memories, playing with friends all together everyone with his own gameboy while talking to each other... Last summer I played Pokemon again after years. I closed myself into my room while all my friends were at the seaside, and finished Pokemon Black in two days. Was I happy? No, I felt like shit. In the end I must acknowledge that what I miss are not the games themselves, but the needs they easily satisfied: easy social interaction, avoiding boredom, measurable progress, meaning, and so on... Pokemons are old friends, like the toy puppy we slept with when we were child. But now we have grown up and we can let them go, even if it is painful. They would understand. They were our friends after all, weren’t they? I don’t know if this applies to you, but I thought I’d share :)

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On 07/03/2018 at 8:00 PM, Bugg said:

Day Two? Day two. It feels longer. :s

Woke up at work (I work 24 hour shifts) so came home around 4pm, first thing I did was some jump rope in the back garden, which I'm super proud of as I normally come home tired and veg out, but I decided; not this time! So jump rope: I only did 3 minutes, haha, and my max was 71 jumps without tripping, but as pathetic as that may be I'm happy I motivated myself to do it, and now I have goals to beat. :) 

Replied to an important letter (I may or may not elaborate at a later date but for now we'll go with, I have a pen pal, and writing can be emotional). Tonight was no exception. This was an emotional letter. I've finished writing it and now I feel drained. I cooked myself a healthy meal as I know I've been really letting myself down recently with the healthy stuff, and now I'm logged on and typing and trying to deal with the crappy things I'm feeling. Normally I'd hop right on playstation or zone out to netflix or youtube in this situation, but I'm trying not to. Made myself a hot chocolate (sugar free) in an effort to somewhat comfort myself. 

Sugar, that's another thing. Always hit the sugar to feel better. Gonna be really mindful of that during this detox. Pointless replacing one dopamine hit with another right? 

is it actually possible to get rid of an addiction without replacing it with another addiction?

Edited by Alexis
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@info-gatherer I guess that kinda applies, but then I still watch the anime, lol. I still play the games socially too (like in person, not  online). Maybe I just have an innate fear of growing up. I’m good at being independent and acting like an adult when I need to, but sometimes isn’t it just nice to let our hair down and embrace our inner child? You said when you played Black you weren’t happy, I think this is where we differ, when I play my favourite pokemon games (not the latest one, it sucks imo) they make me incredibly happy. Haha. But you’re right, they’re still just games at the end of the day, but then I’m not against games in general, I’m just against them being a problem in my life. I dunno, am I just making excuses to give myself permission to play? Hmm.. 

Update: when I say ‘I still play the games socially’ I of course meant before my detox. 

Edited by Bugg
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11 minutes ago, Alexis said:

is it actually possible to get rid of an addiction without remaplacing with another addiction?

I think it is, but for those of us with an addictive personality we have to work extra hard. Thing is, when we replace addictions that way what we are really doing is masking a deeper problem. We need to work out what that problem is and then address it, and move through it. I think only then are we able to truly overcome our additions. If you want to learn more about that, research coping strategies, or maladaptive coping strategies, that will give you some info on why some people become addicted in the first place. 

Tho sometimes addictions do just happen because something is just so good, and then it can be easier to break without diving into another addition, if that makes sense. 

Edited by Bugg
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Just now, Bugg said:

I think it is, but for those of us with an addictive personality we have to work extra hard. Thing is, when we replace addictions that was what we are really doing is masking a deeper problem. We need to work out what that problem is and then address it, move through it, I think only then are we able to truly overcome our additions. If you want to learn more about that research coping strategies, or maladaptive coping strategies, that will give you some info on why people become addicted in the first place. 

Interessting. Do you think a lot of people have that "addictive personality"?

I've seen a lot of people talk about "healthy addictions", although I do not believe in them. One example of what some people call "healthy addictions" is working out instead of playing videos games. My reasoning behind this follows the saying "the dose is the poison". No matter what you are doing, too much will cause trouble.

The part about the deeper problem is intriguing. Seems like a very scary and hard thing to deal with, and will probably take a while to solve. You seem to have your strategy down though, I'm happy for you, you're taking it seriously, and I feel it's a very important thing a lot of people don't do.

I know it's none of my business, but how old are you? You don't have to answer, I'm just an overall curious person.

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@Alexis Yeh I’m not sure any addiction can be truly considered healthy to be honest, to be addicted is to have lost control over your own life, surely that can’t be good.. there are people who are addicted to exercise, it rules their life and they often suffer depression if for some reason they don’t get their ‘fix’ ... I’m not actually sure how many people have addictive personalities. I know I do, tho I didn’t realise it for a long while. After talking to my parents about this we realised that they both do as well, perhaps it’s genetic or a product of environment (or both), but people with a lot of hardship in their lives I think are more likely to become addicted to things as a method of escape. I’m not a psychologist tho that’s just my thoughts on it all. 

I’m 27, I don’t mind sharing that :) one of my biggest sources of discontent in my own life is feeling as though I haven’t already achieved enough by now, and my biggest fear is to not achieve my dreams. Those things certainly cause me to ‘escape’ just to get away from those bad feelings. 

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Day 34

A fairly good day, still having a bunch of negative thoughts, but I've been working through them rather than just ignoring or blocking them out. I made a real effort to eat well today and I feel much better for it, and thanks to that I was able to add two more recipes to my blog too, hooray! I managed to go jogging this morning but now I've injured my knee and it hurts pretty bad, I hope it'll be ok tomorrow. Met some of my other daily goals, blogging took so long I completely forgot to practice guitar, but i guess I can't do everything all in one day. Not having an alarm this morning was a good decision, I awoke naturally only 1 hour later than usual and I've had much more energy today. I might do the same tomorrow, but the next day I have work earlier so it will be back to the alarm from then. My usual sleep cycle is to get 8 hours from 10.30pm - 6.30am, that generally works pretty well for me. Also on the plus side, the weird bug I was feeling yesterday has not been present today. Woop :D

Edited by Bugg
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Day 35

Posting earlier as I have work today until tomorrow afternoon, I have met all of my goals for the day besides productive reading. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to relax a little before work this evening, since I shall be sleeping directly after my shift. Today I am feeling neither good nor bad, not apathetic, just neutral really. I did a work out this morning despite my injuries, it was interesting to find excersises that avoided too much strain on my knee or my wrist, but I just about managed. 

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I can definitely relate lol. I used to run a lot and when i tried to go back into it somehow I injured my shins so bad they started hurting when walking so I had to take like 5 months off. half a year D: x_x btw, how did you add a signature to your posts?

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