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Bugg

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@giblets
I'll look forward to ep14 :P 
The skipping seems to occur when an interview is about to begin, it doesn't happen on laptop only my ipod classic and can't be a streaming issue as I'm offline, I have already downloaded it and I am listening from local :P There must be a tiny discrepancy in the recording when it switches to a where a new audio file is added and my iPod is picking up on it for some reason and having trouble. It's ok tho, when it skips I just go back and find the point where it's having trouble and I start from 10 seconds after that point, then it continues as normal. 

Hahah, yeah, that is pretty pretentious! :P 

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6 hours ago, Bugg said:

 8. My onesie

This :17_heart_eyes:

 

6 hours ago, Bugg said:

Not enough. 

Not cool enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not dumb enough, not adhd enough, not thin enough, not fit enough, not sick enough, not anxious enough, not depressed enough, not gay enough, not male enough, not addicted enough, not kind enough, not selfless enough, not compassionate enough, not sustainable enough, not talented enough, not committed enough, not determined enough, not strong enough, not wise enough, not loving enough, not productive enough. 
Not good enough for greatness. 
Not hopeless enough for help. 
Not perfect. 
Nothing.

The healthy part of this is the desire (or hunger) it is going to give you for personal growth. The unhealthy part of it is thinking that you're all those things right now. As @Cam Adair has told me many times; understand where you are in the process. You are working your way towards achieving these things and they won't happen overnight. Look at the small victories or the small steps to achieving them and becoming that person. Sometimes I take two steps forward and two steps back with my emotion/impulse control, but what it does do is build my awareness to it and so I can work on it a little bit better next time. Look at how positive it becomes if you add one word:

Not enough yet

Not cool enough yet, not smart enough yet, not funny enough yet, not thin enough yet, not fit enough yet, not kind enough yet, not selfless enough yet, not compassionate enough yet, not sustainable enough yet, not talented enough yet, not committed enough yet, not determined enough yet, not strong enough yet, not wise enough yet, not loving enough yet, not productive enough yet
Not good enough for greatness yet.
Not perfect yet.

I really like it now!

 

6 hours ago, Bugg said:

I'm still having cravings to game but over the weekend the urge to watch Netflix was stronger, I think because I know games are off limits but Netflix isn't.. I'm questioning myself.. Do I need to give Netflix up too? I know the sensible answer is yes, but I really enjoy anime and there's still so much I'd like to watch. Anime is another big passion alongside games, and to give that up too.. I'm not sure if that's too much all at once. Plus I love watching the natural world documentaries on there too.. I dunno. Moderation is hard.

It depends on your intent behind Netflix. Is your intent to relax for 20 minutes as a reward (or loot box as Jason Welwood puts it in one of the podcasts) or is it to escape from what you should be doing? Put in a different way, The Minimalists would ask if you are getting value from watching Netflix. Are you learning from your documentaries to make yourself a better person, or are you recharging your brain with the anime? If the answer to those questions are yes, and your intent is in the right place, then there is no issues with it at all. What you'll find during the early days of the detox is your intent will be to replace gaming with consuming content to escape what you should be doing, like being productive or finding hobbies. Try to avoid this.

 

Oh and the cravings will persist for a while longer. I really battled with them until the ~24 days mark, then I was home free. So only roughly ten more days for you :10_wink:

Edited by giblets
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6 hours ago, Bugg said:

While I was on the coach yesterday I was also having some pretty crappy thoughts, I don't know why they surfaced then, maybe just too much time to sit and think, but I wrote a thing to get them out of my head. These thoughts are so common they practically keep me company.

Continue doing what you do. In this case, write them down. Your world, the way it used to be, starts to fall apart. These thoughts come up because the screen is switched off. They like to come up when you are not distracted. Accept them, do not try to suppress them. If you feel capable, you can also start to work through them. Like, ask yourself why you have these thoughts. But work through them one by one, one day at a time. I think these thoughts might show you why you kept gaming excessively in the past.

In sum, I think you are making great progress and by facing your thoughts and feeling, you will soon know where your construction sites are and how to grow out of this old lifestyle. Keep your head up, you have this whole thing under control!

Really fascinated by your rapid and highly conscious progress.

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@giblets Thanks, I guess that's a good way to look at it, I think there are many things about myself that are less about changing, and more about accepting, but I certainly can see the merits in your idea. 

@Regular Robert Thanks, I don't feel like I'm really making much progress at the moment if I'm honest, but maybe you notice things I don't. In response to the comment about my highly conscious progress... I'm just a thinker, I've always analysed myself anyway, and I've had a paper journal habit for well over a year now, so maybe that part just comes naturally, I dunno. 

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Hey,

There really is no need for shame - rather it's a reason to be glad, because it means that the numbing caused by videogames is finally subsiding. It's the sound of progress - Sry for that reference D:

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3 hours ago, Bugg said:

I cried in work yesterday, that was so ridiculously embarrassing, I know I shouldn't feel shame in those emotions, but I do, that's tied up in a whole lot of history. I hadn't cried for ages before that incident, and now I'm sat getting all tearful again at home. 

Cry. Do it. Crying is a great way to heal. If you repress it, the pain will stay inside. If you let it out, you can free yourself of it. Try not to judge yourself for being fed up, sad and what not. This is all part of the process. There was a reason why you kept gaming. The pain has been there all along. Now you have the chance to let it out and let it rest. And afterwards, you will most likely return to being happy and bubbly. ;) Just treat yourself and your condition with acceptance and love.

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That's an interesting thought you had about your writing possibly making you feel more sorry for yourself. It probably does temporarily, but then again writing about your successes probably makes you feel great temporarily as well. 

If I look back on my personal journal entries, I see they're predominantly coming from a negative place. I guess that's when I'm the most inclined to journal, for the catharsis. And I think that's the important thing, the catharsis and the gradual deepening understanding of yourself. Sure my entries may be influenced by my emotions and maybe they're not always the perfect truth, but they do represent a little part of me. I think every one of your journal entries is important, and if you see some sort of victim mentality in the words one day, that's important too, even if it doesn't seem right. It's a little piece you can add to the puzzle that you're putting together. Keep that bigger picture in mind after you write, and see where it fits in.

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Day 16. 

It's morning, I've had breakfast and replied to another emotional letter. So far I've not met any of my goals for the day and I'm struggling to bring myself out of this slump I'm finding myself in. I have work later today, which I'm not looking forward to either - but hopefully the issues at work will pass soon and then I can at least enjoy that again. I am at the very least going to meditate. I'm not sure I have the energy to work out so instead I'm going to put on some music and dance like a crazy person for a while, hopefully that will help shake some of this nervous energy. As for my other goals, we will see.. baby steps. At least I'm not gaming. Silver linings.

I obviously knew I had an issue with gaming, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place, but I didn't actually appreciate just how much of a release it had been for me. In the past when I've felt like this sure I'd have wallowed for a while, and struggled and stressed, but ultimately I'd have put on a game, gotten lost for a while, and I'd have felt much much better, temporarily at least. I never truly appreciated the extent to which that rung true for me. Until now at least. I won't give in.

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Meditated. My mind was very busy and hard to calm today. 

Gratitude; 1. Blue skies 2. Green leaves 3. Fluffy clouds 4. This beautiful notebook 5. Peace and quiet 6. Birdsong 7. Cold, fresh water 8. A comfy bed 9. Little Pip 10. My favourite teddy. 

I sometimes notice a tendency in my mind to want to contrast the gratitude list with a list of negative things I want to change or cope better with ... I realise that defeats the purpose of setting my mind into a place of positivity and gratitude. It's certainly not a tendency I allow to drift within my thoughts for long. But an observation none-the-less. 

Update: Despite my stupor I got up and danced, and enjoyed it. Then my calendar reminded me to practice some German, so I did that too. That was really hard work given my difficulty concentrating at the moment, but I'm glad that I did it anyway. I wrote a quote in my paper journal and then doodled a mandala for a while, whilst singing a little. I love to sing. I haven't had a proper sing in a very long time. Perhaps I need to schedule that in too. My calendar then reminded me to practice guitar, so I did that too. Motivating myself to play is always difficult, but the playing in itself if almost always a pleasure; I'd do well to remember that. I guess the more I play the easier it will be to motivate. I definitely do feel better now, and much more ready to face work later on. 

The quote for reference: ''The thought manifests as the word, the word manifests as the deed, the deed develops into habit and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and it's ways with care, and let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings. As the shadow follows the body, as we think so we become.'' - Dalai Lama 

I've had that quote on my wall for years, it's moved house with me 3 times, I found it in a book written by The Dalai Lama and I've had it scribbled on so many different pieces of paper. Now I'm embracing a more minimal life it's become time to take it down, but I shall forever remember it. 

Second Update: I was stood in the kitchen just now preparing an early lunch and I-kid-you-not ... for a brief moment I had a memory of having completed a mission on Borderlands and the calm and peace I'd have felt afterwards, after escaping into Pandora for a while. But, it wasn't just a memory. I was/am feeling that calm of escape, the same calm of escape I get from playing games, and I haven't touched a game. I think the game-memory was triggered by this emotion. That's pretty damn cool. So whaddya know... forcing myself to do hobbies rather than gaming ACTUALLY WORKS! Haha. No offence @Cam Adair .. I'm not implying I didn't think it would work... I'm just, surprised at how well. :P It's actually kinda spooky... I have goosebumps. 

Edited by Bugg
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3 hours ago, Bugg said:

Day 16. 

It's morning, I've had breakfast and replied to another emotional letter. So far I've not met any of my goals for the day and I'm struggling to bring myself out of this slump I'm finding myself in. I have work later today, which I'm not looking forward to either - but hopefully the issues at work will pass soon and then I can at least enjoy that again. I am at the very least going to meditate. I'm not sure I have the energy to work out so instead I'm going to put on some music and dance like a crazy person for a while, hopefully that will help shake some of this nervous energy. As for my other goals, we will see.. baby steps. At least I'm not gaming. Silver linings.

I obviously knew I had an issue with gaming, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place, but I didn't actually appreciate just how much of a release it had been for me. In the past when I've felt like this sure I'd have wallowed for a while, and struggled and stressed, but ultimately I'd have put on a game, gotten lost for a while, and I'd have felt much much better, temporarily at least. I never truly appreciated the extent to which that rung true for me. Until now at least. I won't give in.

There is also one important fact that we shall not forget: Humans love familiarity. If it feels familiar, we feel at home. Even if it is pain, that is familiar. The same goes for gaming. That was how you lived your life. Now it has changed. Now, you start to feel emotions again that were locked away before. Change can be scary and it sure as hell leads to uncertainty. You cried, you were sad, you were scared. And now, you remember gaming and can see the benefits it delivered. And for some reason, in many journals, that happens at around 14 days into the detox. You change. The decision you made two weeks ago slowly turns into something real. You sold your console. You changed your habits and behaviors. All of this can be frightening. Be sure to write about whenever you feel it is necessary. Trust me, your feelings will have changed in 7 days max. You will start to adapt to the new life and you will be able to let go. Just keep on doing what you do. :)

 

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Just skimming through your journal and you seem to have played some of the same games and are into the same hobbies! I too am quite nervous to go into theatre. I didn’t take it for further study as I didn’t think I was any good. But I realised too late that that didn’t matter as long as I enjoyed it! 

How are you practising guitar? I just go on ultimatetabs and learn a song that takes my fancy but I feel like I’ve skipped the basics!

(also very reluctant to give up pokemon! Gonna hang on to those personally for a bit.)

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@Tycoon I always wanted to take Drama in school too but I already had music and art in my arsenal and I wanted space for triple science. I'd love to go back and study theater though.. even if I am rubbish at it - it looks like a lot of fun! 

Generally I just look online for tab to a song I like, and if the tabs not way beyond my level I print it out and learn it. I'm trying to perfect Drive by Incubus at the moment. I'm not very skilled with guitar.. yet :P I enjoy it though. I also have a printout of loads of chords, I go over them every now and then just to get the shapes into my muscle memory. I'm not learning music theory yet though. With the basics or a particular technique, I just wait until I hit a stumbling point in a song I'm learning and that usually flags up a gap in my knowledge, then I go away and learn it then :) 

I'm still not sure I can ever give up my pokémon games, but I feel kinda guilty for that :s

Oh, I just noticed you're UK too, I can't work out how to get the little flag on my profile though, unless it does it automatically and I just can't see it? 

 

 

Edited by Bugg

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@Bugg ah printing out the tabs/chords sounds like a good idea! Scrolling down my tablet as I play is not very convenient.

Ooh another Brit! I’m on my phone atm but I believe you can make the flag show under Account > Profile. Can’t seem to find the setting on my phone but changed it when on my PC! 

Hope you’re bouncing back from your stressful day! Doesn’t sound like an ideal working environment but good that you’re getting away soon!

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@Tycoon I keep them organised in plastic wallets in a folder, but I have a foolproof space saving system :P If a tab is printed on multiple pages I put all the pages in one wallet with the top page facing out - obviously .. but as you turn the plastic page the 'back' of the wallet displays the top sheet for another set of tab for a different song. It allows for 2 songs per wallet, and once I've learned a song often all I need is to see the top page to jog my memory, if I need more I can just take the pages out.  It's nice to flick through as a sort of learning library. 
Haha .. I get a little over exited when it comes to organising stuff :P 

Hmm, I'll have another look :) 

Thanks, I must admit I just ended up comfort eating my feelings away and now the Jack Daniels has emerged. It's just been one of those days. I'm sooo glad there's light at the end of this tunnel though, I honestly don't know how I'd cope otherwise.

 

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Day 18

A weird day. Obsessive thoughts of the clutter in my space has led me to abandon mostly all else in order to sift through my things to donate a bunch of them - I felt compelled to start this task even before I ate breakfast. I literally rolled out of bed and got to work. I did manage to practice some German, although this decision was very much in-the-moment. I did a quick workout too, in order to expend nervous energy, which was also very much a split-second decision. In fact, my whole day has been very distracted, disjointed and impulsive. I know I need to meditate, but honestly, I think there's so much stress and fear in my mind today that I genuinely can't bring myself to, I don't want to stop and feel it. This is a strange feeling to have - I've never felt this way in my life. I realise this isn't healthy, and at some point before bed I will eventually need to. I had wanted to go for a walk while it was sunny, but I had to stay home for a delivery, by the time it arrived it was raining. I'd really rather not go out walking in the rain right now. I just wish there was less on my mind right now, and whilst I could journal it all out here, again, I just don't feel like I really want to truly sit with those thoughts and feelings right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Update: In a weird way I think it's perhaps a sign that my mindset is changing; that I don't want to think about the bad stuff - that I'd rather just be getting on with something. This may seem counterintuitive, but I can remember so soo many occasions in the past where I've lost days to just sitting and dwelling, and worrying and wallowing, and getting myself so worked up. I think perhaps sometimes when there are difficult thoughts present - yes we do need to face them - but maybe it is still important to recognise the right time to do so. I just don't think today has been the right time. Maybe that's OK after all. 

Edited by Bugg
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Slowly but surely making my way through my daily goals. 
Gratitude: 1. Hot chocolate 2. Jack Daniels 3. Tidy spaces 4. New iPad 5. Not living totally alone 6. Little Pip and his good health 7. Game Quitters forum 8. Podcasts 9. Music 10. Determination. And one bonus gratitude for the day too, 11. @Cam Adair. Thanks for being such an inspiration, and being there for all of us when we needed you :) 

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Something else springs to mind. A while ago I'd thought I'd donated my dice from when I used to play DnD, and I was sad about this. But today I found them. I'd wanted them so I could roll stats for the adventure books I have (Steve Jackson/Ian Livingstone). I still really want to replay these books, especially now that I have the dice, but I don't know if that is a good idea. On the one hand they aren't a video game, on the other hand they aren't social like board games either. So.. what to do? 

 

Edited by Bugg

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Would be good if I could just do one entry per day, but alas, I prefer to post in-the-moment. So anyways, just a quick note to remind myself really.... I had a little sing this evening... and daaaaammnnnn did it feel good. But I'm so out of practice too. I kinda want to add this to my daily goals, but then, it seems indulgent. Why improve my singing ability if I don't ever use it in public? But then there's little chance I'll get the confidence to do so if I never practice. I used to sing loads, then I hit 25 and just though, why bother? But I really enjoy it, perhaps that's enough. I kinda feel similarly to guitar too. Food for thought. 

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Hi,

If you enjoy it, it's already worth your time. Also, it's a skill you'll improve over time and maybe with practice comes confidence to sing in front of others.

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Whatever you think your good at you can develop as a skill and feel more confident about your abilities. The time we've spent gaming has been a long period where we have neglected attributes about ourselves that are worthy of attention.

We're gonna need as much positive confidence we can get to build the social lives we desire and deserve. I believe in you :)

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