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Bugg

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18 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

I can definitely relate lol. I used to run a lot and when i tried to go back into it somehow I injured my shins so bad they started hurting when walking so I had to take like 5 months off. half a year D: x_x btw, how did you add a signature to your posts?

That type of shin pain sounds like what’s called a ‘shinsplint’, thankfully I’ve only ever had that quite mild, it tends to happen if you run for a long period when your legs aren’t used to it. 

I added the signature in my account settings. Where your pic is in the top right corner there is a drop down menu and it’s in there :)

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Day 36

Just got in from work, being away from home 24 hours at a time sucks, I’ll be sure to try and avoid this type of working pattern in the future. I’m really tired today, not sleepy tired, but my brain and body feel drained. I’ve eaten really well the last few days, slept well, drank plenty of fluids, got some exercise, and still I feel like crap. I’m wondering if my body is trying to fight off some kind of bug after all, or worse, I’m concerned my low energy might be the result of a nutrient deficiency from being vegan, but then I work really hard to make sure I get all the vitamins my body needs. I dunno. I’ll reassess when I get back from the week away with my family that I have coming up soon, maybe if it persists I’ll ask my GP to do some blood tests or something. 

I’ve been having major intense cravings to play games, I keep reminding myself why I quit. My brain keeps wandering into the realms of “this is so silly, why have you given up on something you loved so much” “everyone else enjoys them just fine, why can’t you” “you’ll regret this in a year” etc. I have to keep forcing myself to remember all the negative emotions I would feel after sitting glued to a game for so long, reminding myself of that distinct lack of control over my own life that games brought about. I feel like I had more commitment with games than I have had with any other area of my life, I need to find a way to generate that same level of commitment with other stuff that’s more worthwhile. 

Edited by Bugg
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On 4/8/2018 at 3:51 AM, Bugg said:

@AssellusPrimus It makes me happy to know my journal is providing a source of inspiration for others. Sorry to hear about your relapse, but I congratulate you on your honesty, and you’re still here - that’s great. Just keep trying, you’ll get there! Have you identified what went wrong this time so that you can recognise that earlier next time?

 

Hey Bugg, thanks for sharing your experiences I think you hit the nail on the head by acknowledging you are ready to move past this stage of your life and removing the source of the addiction. I did manage to recognize what went wrong, I hadn't fully committed to moving on because I still held on to the things that caused the addiction, the consoles it was so accessible causing me to relapse regularly. After removing this, I found it much easier to avoid gaming and I am successfully on Day 2, with no sign of looking back. I think this really highlights the importance of planning and preparation which I found more helpful then exercising will power in the moment!!!! Thanks for your insights!

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Day 37

I had, an awful night. I won’t go into too much detail, but I’m very unhappy with myself right now, and just unhappy in general. Got an emotional day ahead too, but again, don’t wanna go into detail.

On the plus side, I reacted unexpectedly to the new Spyro remaster trailer (I watched the trailer 3 times just to be sure my reaction wasn’t a fluke, lol). Previously I’d looked forward to this like nothing else, Spyro was a massive part of my childhood, and last year I replayed all the games on PS1 with someone who is really special to me. When I first saw the trailer on my feed I tried to scroll past, but I just couldn’t, I needed to see. But then I watched it, and all I thought was how I had no interest in playing it. It’s cool that this remaster can bring Spyro to a whole new generation of kids, and I appreciate that is was such an influence on my own childhood, but now I’m ready to move past it. I simply have no need to play those games. The memories are enough.

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Day 38

Was at work, came home, packed for holidays, did a lot of thinking, been watching a few things, haven't been tremendously productive, met some of my goals but not all. 

This may well be my last post for a week depending on internet access while I'm away, and even then I'd rather spend the time with my family than online so I'll probably just update once I'm home. First trip away that hasn't seen my DS get packed... feels weird. General mood today has been pretty neutral, physically a bit ill, I hope I feel a bit better soon.

So I guess it's ttfn, I hope everyone has a good week and I'll be back soon. 

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Good on you for skipping past Spyro! I bought the Crash Bandicoot remaster when it released because of nostalgia. But if I wanted nostalgia I could have just played the originals sitting in a box under my bed!

Your 2nd paragraph on Day 36 is extremely relatable right now - hit the nail on the head there.

Hope you feel better and have a lovely holiday!

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Day 43 (I think)

Still away on holiday but got access to WiFi atm so just a quick update. Still no games, physically I’m still feeling a bit rough and now I have an eye infection - tho the eye does seem to be improving. Mentally I’m in a pretty bad way but I’m just plodding on. Don’t really want to go to therapy again so I just gotta keep going I suppose. One thing is for sure - I won’t be using games as an escape any more. 

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Day 44?

Still making the most of mums WiFi while away from home, still feeling a bit crappy. This morning I’ve made a commitment to myself not to entertain my negative thoughts any longer. They come, they will go, from today I’m renewing my efforts to stop dwelling. Positivity ftw. 

As far as cravings go, I’ve definitely felt the sting of not having my DS with me on my travels. Netflix and YouTube are still a bit of an issue for me, but the stuff I’m watching is at least inspiring/educational/motivational for the most part. I’m not far off having watched the stuff on my Netflix account that I wanna see, following that I still plan to cold turkey it for a while, and then possibly reintroduce some sort of ‘An hour on the weekends’ sort of rule. I’m implementing a zero screen time after 8.30pm policy, to reduce the effects of blue light, and once I return home from my travels I plan to do an 8 week sugar detox, to help get my insulin and dopamine responses back to a more normal state, and to stop myself going to sugar as an immediate pacifier. 

As for productivity, google calendar and digital resources are proving to be causing more stress than I anticipated. Over the years I’ve managed my adhd and general disorganisation with paper methods and since abandoning these I’ve definitely become less organised, I don’t think I’m well suited to the electronic calendars/planners etc, I find they make it harder for me to visualise what I need to do. As much as I want to reduce my paper use, I also want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and so I’m going to go back to a paper planner and see how it goes. (I’ll be sure to look for FSC paper.) For now I’m going to use an old notebook to make a planner, and then as the new year rolls in I may invest in a custom one, if I can find what I’m looking for. I’ve spent my morning planning out what I am am going to include in my new planner, and I have come up with the following;

Day by day, probably a double spread, each day needs space for;

  • The days events, planner style, written in pencil!
  • The days todo inc; meditation; exercise; guitar; German.
  • A spot for planned breakfast, lunch and dinner.
  • (Possibly a spot for gratitude in the future, but right now I have a separate notebook I enjoy using for this).
  • A spot for accomplishments. (Finished todo’s can be added to this little area too)
  • A spot for a few thoughts.
  • A weekly review; what have I achieved, what are my goals moving forwards.
  • A monthly review; same as weekly.

Making my own planner for now will allow me to assess what sections work well and what I need to change. I think this will work well with my no screen time after 8.30 pm rule, as I can then spend some of that time looking over my planner. With less reliance on digital media I hope to further reduce my screen time and distractability.

Edited by Bugg
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Bugg- 

When it comes to being worried about nutrients while being vegan, I'm gonna ask, are you getting your blood work done every 6-12 months? Usually I've found low energy being associated with lack of B12, d, or iron. Which usually means I'm not spending enough time outside (I don't supplement d) or I'm not eating enough veg or leafy greens. Or I just don't eat enough Nutritional yeast. 

Sun and fresh air is most important. 

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On 18/04/2018 at 6:01 PM, Natasha said:

Bugg- 

When it comes to being worried about nutrients while being vegan, I'm gonna ask, are you getting your blood work done every 6-12 months? Usually I've found low energy being associated with lack of B12, d, or iron. Which usually means I'm not spending enough time outside (I don't supplement d) or I'm not eating enough veg or leafy greens. Or I just don't eat enough Nutritional yeast. 

Sun and fresh air is most important. 

I haven’t been getting the blood work done but I do supplement and I eat loads of nutritional yeast too, and I try and get as much sun as I can. But yeah I think I probably should get some bloods taken just to check, thanks for the advice :) I know my iron levels are really good as they test those whenever I donate blood.. saying that it’s a while since I’ve been :s

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Day 46? 

Finally home after the travels, had a good sleep and rehydrated. I’m working later today but for now I’ve spent the day catching up on chores and sitting in the garden in the sun reading a book. Still making an effort to stay positive, still making an effort to improve my diet. Was craving games all week while away, since returning home that has not improved, still not giving in. 

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On 4/20/2018 at 1:19 PM, Natasha said:

What book are you reading?

Nearly finished Mort by Terry Pratchett and moving onto the next one; Sourcery, soon. I want to read some books on my personal development reading list but I'm loaning the discworld books from a friend and have a limited time to read them before I move away :) 

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Day 47?

Was at work, weather was lush so decided to walk part way home to make the most of it, ‘twas nice, came home and cooked/did chores. Spent some time online and on Netflix. I feel guilt for not being more productive, but I just really don’t feel like guitar or German or anything right now. I just had a little skip in the garden and an really short impromptu jog up the street and back. I’m really out of shape. My workout habits have slipped, I’m trying to get back on track. There’s just so much in my head atm it’s kinda immobilising, I want to escape to games but I know that will only make me feel worse in the long run. Generally, feeling crappy, about myself, about life. *sigh*

edit: I meditated and did gratitude this morning. Just about the only goals I meet with any level of consistency.

Edited by Bugg

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Well, if you can do those first two goals, then you can achieve the others too.

Focusing on the positives is hard when we have negative self-talk but try to catch it when you talk negatively about yourself and replace it with the positives. It is neural pathways that we use - if we don't use the negative ones, they eventually die out (over many, many weeks). And the more you use your newly formed positive neural pathways, the stronger they become. The trick is to catch yourself in the moment of negative self-talk and hold yourself more valuable than to be subject of beating yourself up, because you understand that path serves you no good in growing to where you want to be.

What I say when I hear negative self-talk is "These thoughts aren't helpful me  to grow as a person, instead I choose growth. Today I have done ___________ as steps to becoming the person I want to become" Or "the reality is I have actually progressed when I look at the beginning of my detox and where I am now - I now do healthier activities such as running, cooking, etc"

The point is to reframe your subjective feelings into a more rational point of view. From there you can actually see that you have and are in fact succeeding, instead of the feeling of climbing an unassailable mountain. You may not be able to catch it all the time, but practice it when you can and it will become an easier habit :)

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So this is a bit dark, but thoughts wander, and I wanted to share in case anyone else has felt the same and can relate. 

I want to start with a disclaimer that in talking about the following I am not suggesting I am going to do anything awful. It's hard enough to think this way and not talk about it, and so I’d like to find a space to discuss this without worrying anyone. So please, don’t worry, but please do feel free to share thoughts. 

So, like many of us, I used to game to escape bad feelings. It became a really effective strategy to stop myself doing other destructive shit. Without gaming some of those bad habits are returning and that is in turn making me feel super crappy.

In the past when I was really down and, for lack of a better description, just plain old didn’t want to be alive any longer, I would tell myself; wasting my life away playing games isn’t a waste if it keeps me alive. I know, that’s not a great place to be but I was there for a long time. I thought I was over all of that but recently I’ve been feeling pretty low and that thought comes back. Not necessarily that games would be keeping me alive, since I’ve grown too much as a person since those dark days to allow myself to entertain those awful notions for long, but I do find myself thinking about happiness, and wondering what the point of being here is if I can’t be happy, and if gaming makes me happy then does it make everything that tiny bit more worthwhile? That’s rhetorical, I know the answer. Gaming won’t make my life worthwhile, but it makes it bareable. I’m searching soo hard for worthwhile uses for my time to make life more bareable, but then when it comes down to it my motivation just falls away, leaving me feeling empty. A failure. 

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@Arch I didn’t actually realise you’d posted when I wrote my prev post, so don’t take it as a reply. I’ve actually given the same advice of the neural pathways to others frequently, it’s something i try to be really conscious of, although sometimes those thoughts are just there demanding to be heard :/ 

But thank you for the wise words and the friendly reminder none the less :) 

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Hi Bugg! Opening up and talking about what's going on inside is a big step. Thanks for doing so. Sometimes we have to go through some bad times to really be able to appreciate the good times. 

Have you read any good books lately? And have you thought about doing some volunteer work? I keep thinking I should volunteer somewhere with some organization to feel more purpose helping others, to help make a difference, and to build my resume. I think it would definitely help with ennui and that feeling I get when I think I should work on one of my projects but can't seem to motivate myself to start. What do you think?

Edited by Natelovesboardgames
grammar
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I had those exact thoughts sometimes when I turned to gaming during depression. Actually, I remember being in therapy once - since it was free for college students - and the therapist was trying to help me make a support plan for if I ever feel suicidal. She asked what I do sometimes when I feel like that, and one of the things I said was 'play games'. I remember her saying that was a good coping mechanism. However, although it kept me alive, it was conducive to a loop between gaming and depression. Im just glad to be out of that dark place now :)

I've been experiencing similar things as well with replacing chunks of time to productive uses. something that I've come to realize is that more than a hobby, I'm super willing to spend time on something that would be helpful to my career in a more direct way. After reading your post on my journal I'm thinking you might be the same way, maybe its just a phase within this journey that will mellow down as we get more 'stable' in our habits. Other than that, I'm easy on myself for now as I've been on a slow upward trend in terms of using my time. But I just want to say that remember you're not a failure. The fact that you're pushing yourself hard to find that new thing / habit and improve is proof.

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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@Natelovesboardgames Thanks, yeah you’re right, hopefully getting thru this will make me even stronger in the long run. I’m busy reading the discworld books at the moment, there’s a bunch of self improvement reads on my list but I have a limited time to borrow these books off a friend before I move away so sticking to Pratchett for now. I used to volunteer and I loved it, and I found it really helped with these sorts of circular thoughts, but my current work rota makes it impossible for me to volunteer, probably a contributing factor to my current state of mind, I’d look for a new job to combat that issue, but I’m moving away in 3 months anyway and I already have a plan (and backups) to enable me to make the most of being able to volunteer again once I’ve moved. I hate waiting though. I’d move sooner but that isn’t an option either :(

@BigOlBearticYeah, when I was in therapy last year we spoke a lot about my guilt over playing games and he considered it progress when I was able to game and enjoy it without feeling guilty.. of course that didn’t last.. how could it when I was so literally wasting my life away. I really need to be a bit easier on myself too, I guess it’s just hard. Thank you for the kind words.

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Day 48

Got up this morning and meditated, wrote in my gratitude journal and had a healthy breakfast. I knew I needed to do a workout, I picked core since I haven't done that in ages. I put on my workout gear and decided that since the weather was so nice (and because I'm trying to shed some pounds) that I'd go for a jog instead. I headed out to the park and quickly found that my capacity for cardio has decreased significantly, not only that but my knee problems kicked off pretty quickly too. This makes me really sad, I love jogging and I hate to think my knee issues are going to prevent me from regaining my progress. I ended up spending a fair amount of time walking through the park, but on the plus side I was able to do some bird watching which made me insanely happy. I think I really need to find some bird conservation related volunteering.

I'm listening to music and realising I've been spending so much time on podcasts I haven't really listened to music in quite a while, which is damn bizarre. I've spent some more time thinking about hobbies and interests, and guitar and singing. I find myself considering guitar and singing, a lot, as they're both things I really enjoy to do, but both things I spend barely any time on these days because it just seems so pointless. (I know something that makes me happy shouldn't be pointless, but then that same point can be applied to games too so I think that argument is mute.) A big part of me feels guilt over enjoying the music of other musicians whilst not having the drive, confidence or ability to contribute to the field myself. Another part of me experiences sadness when listening to a moving piece of music, sadness over not being able to produce something myself. My happiest memories are at music festivals with my mum. I know nearly everyone enjoys music in some way, but I think I enjoy it more than anything else I can think of, I'm not sure if everyone feels that way? This is all stuff I've escaped to games from over and over again. Common thoughts in my mind, menial to most, but for some reason they are such a big deal to me. I have to either accept what is or make a change, but I seem capable of neither. It's weird that I don't feel this way about other arts; I love to watch performance and dance, and view art, and whilst I do want to join a drama group and I do make art on occasion (I have a Fine Art degree, lol), I don't feel the same guilt in not giving my all to these hobbies. The biggest sources of guilt in my life stem from three places; not contributing to the world in a positive way (ie; wanting to work in animal welfare or wildlife conservation), not making the best choices for my health, and not being able to contribute musically. The first two make sense, I understand why I feel that shame and I'm working hard to combat those, but the third, the music, I don't know why I feel this way. I'm thoroughly perplexed. @Cam Adair, perhaps with your love for DJ'ing you might have an insight here?

I'm spending a lot of time thinking about this stuff because I want this constant sense of discontent to go away. This relentless uneasiness is what makes me seek to escape, and I feel that if I can just deal with this, then I will finally be content. I'm not searching for everlasting happiness, I know that doesn't exist. But to just be content, that sure would be nice.

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