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Bugg's Journal


Bugg

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9 hours ago, Bugg said:

 

  • I've had the strength to sell my PS4, TV and to give up games for this long.
  • I'm fairly successfully incorporating a meditation practice into my routine.
  • I'm keeping a gratitude journal and noticing the positive effects of this habit.
  • Comfort eating is still present but I must acknowledge how it is now far less destructive than it has been in the past.
  • I've had some dark days, some pretty crappy moments, but I got through them and have emerged smiling. 
  • I've been adding bits and pieces to my blog.
  • I've continued to minimize my belongings.
  • I have a clear vision of what I want to achieve in a career and a good idea of how to get there.
  • I have become more in tune with a sense of style and design. This last point is interesting as I've never been interested particularity in fashion, but since approaching it from a minimalist perspective, and becoming more aware of how to express my sense of self through clothing, I have been paying more attention to this. Perhaps because I'm spending less time in a virtual world I'm now more aware of how I look in the real world. I actually feel more inclined to make an effort now. (But still low-maintenance effort :P)

This is very important to re-read whenever you're feeling demotivated, you've made progress and that progress is yours.

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Day 51 (Day 1 NoNetflix & NoSugar)

Earlier update as I have work later today. Today marks then start of a proper Netflix detox, I also decided that I will give this sugar thing a go, if I don’t I’m gonna end up relying on that to soothe any emotional turmoil that arises. I really need to be able to just sit with discomfort. 

What a world we live in that we must detox ourselves from the things that have come to make up the very fabric of our society.

I’ve meditated, wrote in my gratitude journal, had a healthy breakfast and prepped my food for work. I plan to do a workout this morning and then play some guitar before heading off to work. I had a little sing yesterday too :)

I had a meeting at work on Monday and it went a lot better than I had anticipated, I think that has gone a long way to allieviating the underlying sense of anxiety I’d been feeling. I don’t think I’d really acknowledged just how much those concerns were affecting me. Often if I mention my stress or worries to friends I will do it in a really casual and joking sort of way, as if it’s not a big deal, I think over the years this attitude has perhaps been assimilated into my self-honesty, preventing me from really appreciating the severity of certain issues in my mind. Food for thought.

 

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No sugar will be a huge challenge! A lot of prepared or prepackaged foods and loaded with sugar, especially if they are American (sorry lads). If you have spare time, one of the most effective ways to avoid sugar may be to prepare your own snacks and foods from home. There are some great recipes for natural muesli bars online you can try, though if you are taking the vegan route (sorry a little behind with your journal) it might be a challenge to find an ingredient to get them to stick together - but keep searching you will find something. The great thing about the interwebs is that no matter what you are trying to do, probability says someone has already tried it and posted their musings online!

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@Giblets, I already don't eat prepackaged anyway, I cook all of my meals from scratch :P The only thing I do add containing sugar is Sriracha, which i'm gonna miss tremendously over the next few weeks. I really just need to regain control over my urges to buy and eat whole packs of biscuits and treats though, when I'm having a rough day; that is a real challenege for me! Simply not having them at home hasnt worked in the past, I just find myself making a trip to the corner shop like some sort of sugar-zombie. Lol. It's cerainly gonna be an interesting few weeks, and it's sure to be emotional, so I'm trying to be prepared for that.

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Day 52 (Day 2 NoNetflix & Sugar)

I looked at the free games this month on PSN. There was an ad, I clicked it, I really shouldn’t have. 2 games I really wanted to play. Oh well, I know it’s better in the long run. I know I’m not really missing out. To play them would be to miss out on real life.

I had work this morning, I have work tonight, for now I’m home in limbo. 

Today I received some devastating news, I don’t want to share any details on here, but I am feeling upset, stressed, defeated. I want to play Pokèmon so badly right now, but I realise this is a golden opportunity to prove to myself I can cope with turbulence without escape. So I will be spending my day drinking tea, living in the moment, and allowing myself to fully feel. I won’t run away. 

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Day 53. (Day 3 NoNetflix & NoSugar)

Feeling alright today, been living in the moment, no escape. Game cravings have been unexpectedly strong, mild urges to watch Netflix; I did absentmindledy check the app but only for a moment and didn’t watch anything. Sugar cravings are practically non existent until I eat a meal, then afterwards the battle of wills commences. I’ve just eaten and right now I feel ravenous, even though logically there is no reason for me to feel that way - I seem to be more hungry after I’ve eaten than beforehand :s weird, and it’s only carbs in particular that I’m craving. 

Got a bunch of chores to do over the weekend so gonna get stuck into some of those this evening. I’ve enlisted the help of a friend to help me do some gardening, figured it could be quite fun with company, hopefully the weather will cheer up a bit, it’s currently a bit soggy. 

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Day 54 (Day 4 NoNetflix NoComfortEating)

Last night was not a good evening for me, ended up messaging a friend to chat and going for a late night coffee.. I’m glad I did, it helped. 

Today I did some gardening then went for a meal with another friend. Just not feeling like being alone at the moment. I had dessert at the restaurant - it’s not often (barely ever) I can have a vegan dessert when out and this one sounded amazing - it didn’t let me down. I’ve updated my no sugar rule to no comfort eating. In hindsight I don’t think it serves me well to quit sugar cold turkey, I think that would make things worse in the long run. It’s the emotional eating I need to get a grip on (I see no harm in the rare dessert when out with friends). 

Tonight I am going to watch a movie and have some nice comforting cups of tea while I battle the usual evening emotions that arise around this time. Is escaping to a movie the best course of action, perhaps not, but tonight I’ll allow it. 

It’s slow progress, but progress nonetheless. 

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Day 55 (5 NoNetflix NoComfortEating)

Got up early and started chores right away after meditating and going for a jog, didn’t stop my chores until it was dinner time then I made dinner and prepped meals for work. Then had my first bath in 4 years! (I do shower tho, honest :p) Having a bath was kinda nice, kinda relaxing, kinda boring, and waaaaay toooo hot :s .. If I have any more baths I’ll be having them colder. All in all an alright day, lots of housework, a good distraction. Gonna make the effort to avoid screen time this evening (I’m only 5 mins past my ‘deadline’ as I type,) so after this I’m gonna call a friend then read for a bit. The no gaming thing is far more difficult once I’ve removed Netflix from the mix too, but now I am forced to be more productive. I even updated my CV... that’s been on my todo list for months... 

Edited by Bugg
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Day 57 (Day 7 NoNetflix NoComfortEating)

Since giving up Netflix my productivity has seen a marked improvement. The lack of Tv has made it easier to avoid comfort eating too; although I am still finding that a real challenge. My energy levels are pretty low, not sure if I’m just not eating enough or if this is readjustment from the overeating previously. Nothing new to report otherwise, life’s a challenge but it would be hella boring otherwise. I’m constantly learning new things about myself. Just when a I think I’ve got something figured out I am presented with something new. Still not finding much relief from anxiety, I meditate, I live mindfully and intentionally, I practice breathing exercises, but nothing really seems to work. I think I just need to learn to live with it. I’ve definitely been becoming more depressed recently, I’d speculate a lack of escape playing a part perhaps, but I’m working on it, always moving forwards. 

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And so in the last 4 hours I have done nothing even remotely productive. I did end up comfort eating, so it’s back to day one on that front tomorrow, and although I didn’t watch Netflix I did instead spend my evening online and on YouTube watching vloggers. I did try to play guitar or read, but I just couldn’t concentrate, it took an hour of staring at the wall trying to concentrate for me to finally give up and head to the shops (for food) before returning home to YouTube. *sigh* I’m just not having an awesome time right now :/  14 hour shift tomorrow, followed by a sleep in at work and another 7 hours the following day. This isn’t the life I want to be living, not at all. 

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Day 59 (Day 9 NoNetflix)

Hmm. I've been working a lot, as per usual. Worrying about the future a lot, again, as per usual. Still not gaming, the Netflix quit is also currently a success. Nearly 60 days in and still having pretty intense urges to game, particularly when I'm in a low mood, same goes for Netflix. I'm not getting bored much per say; there's tons I can be doing, but I keep getting so low that I just can't bring myself to do anything at all. I'm not bored, just immobilised. Lately I've spent too much time staring into space. I'm trying to at least use this staring time to instead research different ways to cope with life, in general. 

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Day 60 (10 days NoNetflix)

Went to bed early last night as I just couldn't face the evening any longer, woke up in the same crappy mood. For today I have a bunch of chores to get through as I'm off work, then it would be nice to do some crazy dancing or something, I need to work out at some point today too, but right now I'm really not feeling up to it. 

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Decided to go for a long walk in the park, it was lovely to get out (without being headed to work or back) and I took some good photographs of the trees and plants. Did some grocery shopping on the way home and got lots of greens and some fruit. Wrote myself a ‘Vision for the future’ mind map, so I can try and focus some attention on what I am aiming for, and focus less on how crappy I feel at present. I do feel a little better now. I tried to get a doctors appointment for the chronic fatigue I keep experiencing, but I couldn’t get through so I gave up. :/

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4 hours ago, Bugg said:

Decided to go for a long walk in the park, it was lovely to get out (without being headed to work or back) and I took some good photographs of the trees and plants. Did some grocery shopping on the way home and got lots of greens and some fruit. Wrote myself a ‘Vision for the future’ mind map, so I can try and focus some attention on what I am aiming for, and focus less on how crappy I feel at present. I do feel a little better now. I tried to get a doctors appointment for the chronic fatigue I keep experiencing, but I couldn’t get through so I gave up. :/

Hang in there Bugg! 

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Day 61 (11 days NoNetflix... tho nearly gave in!)

Once I got home from work I spent a whole bunch of time working out if I can overcome this slump on my own or if I need professional guidance, again. I'm still undecided, but for now I'm trying to be patient, kind and understanding with myself. It sure would be easier to escape into a virtual world to get away from all of this, but that isn't really the solution. 

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Day 62 (12 NoNetflix)

So very nearly gave into the sims, I’m just feeling so down right now and nothing distracts me the same way as a game does. In trying to sit with and deal with my feelings I’m just going round and round in circles in my own head. I search online for self help advice and realise I know all the tips and tricks, there isn’t an endless supply of advice. There is no magic answer. This is frustrating.

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@Arch, my sleep isn’t too bad and I’ve been trying to excersize whenever I can, I have a knee conditoin though which makes leg day or jogging more difficult somtimes. On those days I do go walk tho. @Dannigan yeh I do really need to see a doctor for the fatigue and dizziness too, but I just cant get thru. I really need to have a walk over there on my next day off. I have been getting out though, I go out of my way to walk outdoors on a daily basis and on days off I do that in the park so I can get some nature into my life too. I’m in no doubt now that I’m depressed, but again, the only one who can help me there is myself. I wont take meds and I dont want to keep seeing therapists, so I gotta just tough it out. Thank you both for the advice, and sorry I have been neglicting reading your own journals (I’m trying to stop myself spending all day on here either) :/ 

Day 63 (13 NoNetflix)

I spent today walking in the park, sitting and reading under a tree and at a friends house helping to decorate the house. It was nice to have someone to talk about some worries with. I’m making an effort to avoid excessive internet use. Meditated and wrote in my gratitude journal as I do pretty much every morning now, when I came home this evening I played a little guitar. Now I’m winding down for the evening. I might watch a movie or just read. As far as other goals go, I have been drinking plenty of water but I have lost interst in learning German.

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@Dannigan Yeah I hear ya. I dont mind so much if my stuff stays here for others to read (I may change my pic eventually tho), but I do find it a little counter productive when I want to spend less time online but then I need to be online to post here. I do tend to write a lot more in my private paper journal, usually on an evening jsut before bed. 

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Day 64 (14 NoNetflix)

Today has been alright. I felt ill this morning so no workout, but I still meditated and did gratitude. I reinstalled some social media apps on my phone yesterday night so I could upload a few pics from my walk in the park... this morning I checked them briefly and responded to some notifications and then I put my phone down, this small act made me refrain from turning on the laptop or ipad, and thus I actually found it easier to refrain from mindless web browsing. Gonna trial this and see how it goes, I think I’ve finally reached a point where the web no longer holds my interest like it once did, much like the process I went through to give up games. I’ve also gotten rid of email notifications and now I just check my mail once or twice per day, this has helped to keep me away from my tech. I got loads of chores done this morning, have left the house on 2 seperate occasions already (and have to go to work later too) and also managed to get some blood tests done.. so hopefully I’ll find out the cause of this fatigue and dizziness. I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I watched any Netflix. There’s a few times I’ve thought it would be nice to sit and watch one or 2 episodes of something, and I think at some point I am gonna allow it back into my routine, but I want to be sure I am capeable of living without it, so that when I do eventually start to watch a bit of Tv again I can do it in moderation. I have been watching the odd episode of Pokemon, like no more than 20 mins per day, and I have found this has actually increased my focus; when I know I’ve only got this for 20 mins I can sit and enjoy it and make the most of it, whereas previously if I was watching content all day I’d be contanstly distracted and flitting between tasks, pausing and unpausing, etc. 

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You've established some very clear boundaries, which is most likely why you are more focused! Before when you would play games endlessly or watch netflix endlessly you didn't have a clear target or stop point, which was a lack of will or self-discpline. You're doing really well now!

My experience with the focus piece is quite similar - if I know I only have a 20 minute break during the day, then I work really hard until it comes around, then make sure I maximise the break time (no distractions etc) so I can recharge as much as possible.

You'll gain a lot of value out of tracking your time and where it goes - as @Cam Adair said to me once, "what gets measured, gets managed". Very powerful. I haven't found an effective time management tool that works for me though so unfortunately I don't have any recommendations.

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Day 68 

Longest I haven’t updated since I started the detox.. still avoiding games but I’ve been watching some Netflix. Saw a doctor and we found a few reasons for my fatigue and also have resolved a few (hopeful) solutions.. dont wanna go into detail here tho. Fingers crossed I’ll feel a bit better soon. Had work today, have work tomorrow, same old really. Still trying to fit more exercise into my life but still too knackered most of the time. Meditated this morning too. Drinking plenty of water; which I actually really enjoy :)

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